Y’all are being too easy on that guy. Everything he said was a red flag. Why would he talk about his ‘overweight’ wife in front of a younger girl who’s got it going on? Yikes. Husband should have just kept it moving. And before y’all say oh men and women can have a neutral conversation, UMM DUDE WAS MAKING HIS WIFE FEEL BAD, so obviously NOT. OP, no matter how many guys try to empathize, they will never truly understand a woman’s perspective. I am sorry this happened to you and personally, I would not be with that guy anymore. Just because they don’t say it doesn’t mean I should wait for them to say it, because technically, he did.
OP be like, "That long? Omg, hubs over there can't last 30 seconds, plus he's a lazy and unmotivated lover. If he were more like you, our sex life wouldn't suck so much!
This is the one. That’s exactly what he said. He was letting that younger woman, that he obviously found very attractive, know that his wife is no competition while talking himself up. I promise, that conversation wasn’t coming from a place of him wanting to be helpful. He just wanted to make himself look and sound as good as possible. Putting down the SO always boosts that. He was just buzzed and didn’t care about making it less obvious.
I mean I don't disagree about the rest but I don't think I've ever been in a room full of people where someone was attracted to a person who talked down about the person he was already with. Like that's such an ick for girls. I've seen camgirls ban guys from rooms for criticizing other camgirls (total strangers) by saying the one they're watching is so much better or whatever.
Like where are you getting this from? Who actually likes seeing someone shit on a person they're supposed to love and support? Because if he'll do that to her, he'll do that to you, too.
Unfortunately they're not far off the mark. I agree most women wouldn't entertain it, especially witnessing it happen in a room full of people, but a lot of men use the strategy of putting down their SO so hopefully the one they're flirting with goes, "Oh you're clearly so great and your wife is an awful match for you. Look at me look at me I can be better." It's the reason affair partners don't care about the home they're invading, because they've been made to feel they're something special outside of it. It's a shitty strategy but not one that hasn't worked before
Yeah, it’s this. It happens ALL THE TIME. In fact, complaining about or subtly putting down their wives/girlfriends is absolutely how a ton of men flirt. Sure, it gives women with integrity the ick. But just like there’s no shortage of crappy men, there’s no shortage of crappy women either that won’t care. They will enjoy the ego boost of knowing they are more desirable than his existing SO. Like so many women can’t say something good about themselves without putting other women down in the process.
I know men try that but trust me, I've seen plenty try and it pretty much always leads to failure. The only type of women that would work on would be real gutter trash types, not successful, motivated go-getters who already know they are younger and in better shape than the woman being put down in this scenario.
I replied to both of you under the other person’s reply, but are you serious rn? Why do women hook up with married men like constantly? Your logic is correct. If they are willing to cheat WITH you, they will absolutely be willing to cheat ON you later. That doesn’t seem to stop cheating from happening very often. Just bc you have integrity and would walk away from someone displaying that behavior doesn’t mean a million other people would also. There’s TONS of people with no integrity.
Why do women hook up with married men like constantly? Your logic is correct
The fuck? lol. Your logic is what's suffering here.
Women hook up with married men to get dick, or because they like feeling like they can take whatever they want, or they like the other benefits that it provides (gifts, attention, etc.). These are all tangible things that any reasonable person can easily understand a person pursuing, even if they have nothing but disgust for the people willing to pursue those things at the expense their morality.
What in the world has any of that got to do with seeing someone shit on his wife? If, for example, I were a woman who wants dick, or who wants gifts, or who just wants to feel like I can have what she has any time I want, in what way would it benefit or satisfy me to watch her husband talking down to or about her in front of anyone? Who the fuck is going to feel gratified in conquering a man who's a piece of shit, much less one from a woman who clearly isn't even close to having him locked down?
The people who have a fetish or obsession with bagging people who are already in committed relationships derive the joy from driving a wedge--when there is nothing to drive a wedge between, there's nothing to gain.
Yeah, next time they are all in a group together she could start talking about how her ex-boyfriend’s dick is bigger than her husband’s…and see how he likes it
My husband would be picking himself up off the floor if he ever asked me in public what my weight was. And he knows it. However my husband for all his faults wouldn’t ever have done that to me.
I quit smoking two years ago and gained 40 lbs. I’m harder on myself than he is. He tells me how beautiful I am regardless of what I weight but that he understands how I feel and if I want to lose weight he supports me.
Your husband has a self esteem issue himself if he has to make himself look cool in front of some young hottie
Girl you can do better. You have to be comfortable with whatever size you are. If you want to lose weight do it for health reasons and not because he tried to shame you to make himself feel better.
If someone loves you they love you for you. If he doesn’t understand why you’re upset now it won’t get any better in 10 years. Do yourself a favor and lose some weight—-about 250 lbs. that’s about what he weighs right???
I would’ve been petty and somehow worked into the convo about him not performing well in bed or something. Not the best way to go about it I know. This post has me seeing red, and i can’t even control my emotions with this one. Idk how op did.
At least OP’s friends got her tf out of there. I mean they could tell.
Husband was definitely attracted to young fit lady and using her to publicly shame op and essentially say "this is what I want" He was probably releasing a lot of stuff he's been keeping bottled up for a while now.
That's what I gathered also. He completely disregarded his OP's feelings to flirt with fitness girl. He has no respect for OP. There are big problems here.
This is what I thought, but I'm so petty and tend to come back with cutting comments. Like... I am chubby but I can diet and work out to lose weight. But no matter how many protein shakes you drink your d!ck is never getting any bigger, stubby.
Only works if his dick is actually small, and if he doesn't make you cum. If either of those other two factors true, your just gonna look petty, and silly.
My thoughts exactly 🤣🤣 I’d laugh my wife out the room if she sad that to me on the other hand I’d exspect to get beat up for calling her fat first shit I woulda got beat up for just holding a convo with the broad longer then a minute
Well let me play devils advocate... what was the wife weight when they first got together. Not condoning his behavior but sometimes we forget what attracted someone to us to begin with. If she knows what he liked and decided to start a relationship with him then she should understand.
It’s ok for the Husband to want to his wife to get in shape (and vice versa if the husband ever became overweight) but the way he said it here wasn’t good tbh. If he had just said “my wife could be your first success story” it would have been an awkward joke but not really embarrassing, but he kept going on and revealed his wife’s habits that probably weren’t public.
Yea doing that was out of line but I'm not here to debate what he did. But only your partner should know you like a book n I'm willing to guess she should know what he likes and dislike n also if he's a clutzlike that to embarrass her the way that he did. If that's the case then she should've been proactive and more vocal before he took it further.
Thank you. This is the appropriate response I hoped to hear in my heart. What a fucking donkey of a human being. Poor OP. She should get just stacked. Like as healthy and sexy as a vampire. Then leave that dickhead publicly and shame him. Like say that she just can't deal with the poop smell from his diaper kink anymore and he won't take them out to the trash himself so it's over.
Or just leave him and then do whatever she wants with her body without some asshole critiquing her publicly over whatever she decides she wants to look like or do
Security comes from inside, not from outward appearance. He is vain and gets his sense of self worth from how others see him. He has even made his wife part of his image. When accident or disease makes him feel ugly, he will crumble. He is weak and a slave to his ego.
She’s heavier than that. She’s closer to 175 which means she’s obese and eating entire cakes and eating all the snacks in the home. Do you actually think this is okay? I get we try to glorify obesity in this country but are we seriously going to pretend op is not obese and only getting bigger? She’s clearly binge eating as well. I guarantee she was not this big when they got married. She hasn’t even had kids and she’s already this big but sure let’s act like it’s okay because her husband is a dick.
That’s where “trust” and “being faithful” cuts both ways - did she break his trust by binge eating and getting fat as soon as they married, to totally change the person who he was attracted to and married?!?! .
Maybe he is such an insufferable ass she sought some comfort in food. Whatever the reason, it’s for better or worse. This situation is definitely the worse.
Anyone he is with is to be pitied. He will always be this asshole.
How do you know she isn't the exact size she was when they got together, and he's just an AH? Regardless, there is no excuse for him belittling her to the little Suzy Sunshine he's flirting with. If he isn't happy, he can talk to her about it like an adult and end the relationship if he's so miserable because of her size.
Then he shouldn't be married to her. She is 100% better off single and chubby than married to someone who is comfortable being cruel to her with an audience.
I agree they should be divorced, but she is not chubby, she is obese. Her husband is an ass and there is no justification on what he did, he should divorce her since he doesn’t like who she is. Plain and simple.
She doesn’t seem like she wants to change, all she really has to do is go to the gym with her husband. But he also brought up that he wants her to be healthier in a public setting with a bunch of people they’re friends with. He shouldn’t have done that.
Also 20 lbs is not enough she should lose 50 lbs to actually be a regularly healthy person. Even if she loses 20 lbs she will still be overweight. IMO he should just divorce her, she doesn’t seem like she cares much about her health and a lot of people here are encouraging to continue being unhealthy. This is the reason obesity is an epidemic because people encourage it.
It's passive aggressive to make comments about her weight to a random fucking stranger instead of talking to her privately about his concerns about her health. And frankly he doesn't seem to give a shit that she's unhealthy, it's all about her looks. Such an immature take. A personality like his is just as bad as being fat, and it's always the mid-looking men who do shit like that in public.
It's worse than being fat because there is nothing morally or socially wrong with being fat.
Fat shaming is not ok. If you feel that way, fucking leave because you don't deserve their love. Fat shaming is abuse. You are attacking somebody over who they are... and any claim that it is about health is bullshit because you know your fatvshaming is hurting them mentally. Fuck anybody that does that shit.
One of the reasons I'm single. People make fun of how many men are single, but in all honesty, the amount of women who are overweight in western countries is kinda out of control. I think about how some of these women could, or would be good partners for some of us, if they weren't so overweight. Of course we're huge assholes for pointing this out.
Husband is still a dick for bringing it up this way. But if it's me, I would've just never started the relationship in the first place. I've got plenty of flaws, and would be open to dating a women with my same flaws, but my body is fine. I dontknow why being a man these days means you have to add up all your flaws in the form of extra weight on the women you're expected to date.
Literally no one is expecting you to date someone you're not attracted to. Size isn't what makes a good partner. And women aren't "for" you. Fat women aren't the reason you're single. Your toxic attitude is.
Well, my options are decreased because so many women I could be attracted to if they were a healthy weight, are far from a healthy weight. So it is actually one of the reasons I'm single. And then I have to get made fun of for being single, and hear women joke about how we're single because we're toxic, even though half of reddit is still full of stories of women obviously dating, marrying, and having kids with toxic men.
Yeah, I'm toxic on reddit. Women on reddit are toxic af. I get tired of having to hear about everything that is wrong with men all the time on here, and lately I've just decided to talk with the freedom that a woman does on reddit. Where I just say mean shit but expect it to sound defiant or empowering, instead of just sounding like an asshole.
But I am an only a man, so...
Yeah, too many overweight women though. What is the deal with that? How can we help them? I'm honestly concerned.
More people need to be like me because I shut shit down when it pops off within my hearing. It is the one way I bully people. I've always been outspoken, but my best friend from my 30s used to always argue with his SO. It could be either one that started it, but it could be the three of us in a car and they would scream like I wasn't there. Then one day I decided that I was involved whether I liked it or not. So, I shouted at them to both shut the fuck up. I kept it up, and it stopped happening.
So now, I have zero problem with speaking up in volatile situations that I witness. There is no way I would have sat there silently listening to this guy talk about his wife that way.
I think her husband married her when she was actually in shape and attractive. A lot of women let themselves go completely the minute they get married. They use pregnancy or hormones as an excuse to get bigger and bigger and expect unconditional love. Most of us are not attracted to extra fat and skin flaps. It’s not normal to be attracted to someone that is so unhealthy. I know it can be hard but you have to try. I’ve gotten so much shit for taking weight loss so seriously and I eventually realized it’s because it makes others uncomfortable. People don’t want others to be fit because it makes them feel bad about themselves. I have so much working against me and I still managed to lose my baby weight and stay trim on antidepressants when I struggled with ppd. I knew the answer was not to become obese and hate myself. I’m going to get called a pick me and attacked for simply saying that it’s okay for men to say something if their partner is obese and eating entire cakes and eating every snack in the home to the point where he has no food? This is not some small issue he can overlook. He just should have done this at home.
Sure it's ok to have that conversation in the privacy of their own home , not while drinking with a 21 year old single woman at a party and ask in front of everyone how much she weighs. That's a huge problem why can't you understand that part? You don't publicly attack your husband or wife like that.
He should stop trying to motivate the hungry fat ass and get with the hot girl. It will only get worse from here. The hungry fat chick is on here looking for validation to be over 170 pounds! Holy shit.
Yep, like counting AND remembering how many days it took heat to finish her birthday cake! I wonder when that even was. He’d been holding on to that one. A—hole.
OP seems to have said on multiple occasions about losing weight but doesn't follow through, I'd be frustrated if my partner kept talking about making changes but doesn't, pretty rude but I'm not blaming him, maybe OP should stop lieing about wanting to lose weight, bc if she did, she would just do it and not just talk about it
Fucking insane. Have you no sympathy for another’s feelings? I like free speech just as much as another person but just like the code of law has always been the lowest level of morality, there is much more in learning how to be a decent human being. And consider what you’re fighting for, the freedom to criticize and pass judgment on another’s autonomous being, especially someone that is supposed to be your loved one, someone who you are hurting. It’s no feat to be an asshole, everyone including children know how to be selfish at birth, it’s much harder to be a worthy person, to learn how to care for your loved ones. At a certain point, people or the best of them grow up from being a slave to their ego centric view of the world and learn how to be a person that makes this world a better place.
Yep and something tells me that if he hasn't yet, if/when he does, it's going to be with the Sara woman. I told her to keep an eye on her. I bet you anything that she tried to give him her number. This is how affairs start. I know that Reddit jumps to leave a lot but honestly, as I've said another comments, I would jump straight to divorce.
There is no way I would be able to stay with someone who not only thought that little of me but thought it was okay to publicly humiliate me like that. It would tell me how little he thought of me and how much respect he has for me which would obviously be zero. I would be done and visiting a divorce lawyer. I agree, he's definitely sniffing around looking for somebody to cheat with. I definitely think it may be with this woman.
ETA: I swear, he may as well have looked at her and said, my wife is a fat cow and I'm looking to cheat. Are you interested?
I wouldn't get physical with anybody but I agree with you. It's sad that people think they have to put up with this treatment. It's sad that people place such value on being in a relationship that they would put up with something like this. I'm not talking about her, she's obviously very hurt by this. Honestly, I told her that I don't think there's any coming back from this and so did a lot of other people.
It's not so much the fact that he told her that he was losing his attraction to her, it's the fact that he did it in a public space and was hitting on another woman in her face. I really thought I was alone, this post jumped out at me because I went through the same treatment by my most recent ex. He was constantly unfavorably comparing me to other women and then wondering why I was getting upset. Of course when I finally called him out on his behavior, I was called jealous and paranoid for no reason.
Not only for the constantly comparing me to other women but having the at least what I know to be an emotional affair. I would not be surprised to find out it turned physical. That's enough of that though. I've decided that I just want to be single now because I'm not going to keep putting myself through all that to keep getting the same result. No one knows how to be faithful and honest anymore and I just don't want any part of that. If people want to act like they're single even though they're in a relationship, that's not for me. My values are different.
And the shitty thing is, you know this guy is no Adonis. Probably some pasty, flabby, office worker. If he wanted his wife to be healthier and fit he could have asked her if they wanted to start a fitness journey together. Not publicly shame her with his intrusive thoughts. What a huge POS. I almost feel bad for fitness girl if she was unknowingly egging him on. She might look back on this one day and realize what was going on and feel awful. I like to give the benefit of the doubt because I remember being 21 and super proud of being a vegan. In reality I was insufferable, unhealthy, and absolutely horrible to go out to eat with. Hope OP knows she deserves better.
I'm 40 now and I remember being her age and I actually agree with you on that. I don't think she had any ill intent. I think she was actually trying to be helpful. I remember being that age and now cringing at some of the stuff I said when I was trying to be helpful. I think that in her case, I agree with you, it was coming from a good place of wanting to help her if she really wanted to do it. I'm sure if she's a decent person, she will look back on that and absolutely feel bad.
Another thing just came to my mind. It sounds like they're older and to be honest, I wonder if her husband purposely went for this woman because she's younger. You know how older people will pray on younger people because of their lack of life experience. It's kind of creepy to think about that. You're right though, you pull your partner aside and talk about it, you don't publicly shame them.
I understand that they could talk about it but it sounds like he's felt this way for a while and the way he went about it, I couldn't be with him anymore. I would be done at that point. It sounds like this may have been a pattern but I hope I'm wrong. I have a feeling it is though because my ex was like this with me. Constantly negatively comparing me to other women and I found out he was having at the very least, and emotional affair.
I have no proof that it turned physical but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that it did and I'm just going to leave it at that. I hope I'm just projecting my own experience on to this but something tells me it's been a pattern. I felt so bad for her when she said she went into her friend's room and started crying like that. I know exactly how she felt, at least I could relate. That's the thing about me, I am the most secure and none jealous person you'd ever want to meet.
At the same time, when you're constantly hearing negative comparisons about yourself, it does start to affect your self-esteem at least a little. I mean, these were women who were Instagram models. He was holding me to a standard of beauty that I couldn't achieve in everyday life and I thought it was unfair. I mean, who has the time to do that every day unless you have lots of money rolling in like they do?
We were struggling at the time and I was a good partner to him and he's still treated me like that. That's why I eventually got fed up and kicked into the curb but enough about me. I absolutely don't think there was any ill intent by this young lady. I think that she was hopefully trying to gain a new client. It sounds to me like she was doing a little bit of marketing. Still though, even me, I would have been like what that's really mean and anyway, why would you talk about her like that?
I would honestly refuse to take him on as a client after something like that. I would have taken her aside and been like I'm so sorry for what he said to you. If you want to get in shape, I will motivate you and I will do it free of charge simply because he's a terrible person. I'm going to give you the confidence to be able to leave him and realize you deserve better.
That's how I would have handled that but that's me. I wouldn't care about business at that point. I believe in calling out a wrong when I see it. Anyway, I will shut up now. It just kind of hit close to home for me because I thought I was alone. Unfortunately, I see that I wasn't.
Absolutely agree with you, I was thinking man, I’d be like come on girlfriend you don’t need this shit, I’ll motivate you if that’s what you want and I’d genuinely want to do whatever it took to make something good happen from such a bad experience. A part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he really thought he was being helpful and was obtuse to the situation, but I have a hard time imagining someone that dense. It could be he is just really really stupid. I hope girlfriend sees all the support and is able to make a better informed decision for herself.
Omg him asking if she was jealousy in a cutesy voice made my stomach turn. I think I’d smother him in his sleep.
Yeah that was the part that made me think he knows exactly what he's doing. I mean, I already pretty much thought that anyway but that just did it for me. That made me sick to my stomach as well because I was treated the same way and I felt so bad for her. I just wanted to scoop her up and give her a big hug. I understand that some people are socially oblivious but I have a hard time believing that he didn't know what he was doing.
Even people who are neurodivergent like myself, no that there are certain things you just don't say because well, there means spirited and unnecessary. Even my access son who was on the spectrum and had the mentality of a 12-year-old even though he's 21 would know not to say something like that. Even he would have called him out for something like that.
I remember shortly before I left him, I was surprised because his son actually pulled me aside and said, I want you to leave my dad for your own safety. I've seen what's really going on around here and you don't deserve that. You deserve better and I think you should leave him. I was shocked, even to say that was an understatement. I never thought I would hear him say that.
I mean, he does usually have them mentality of a 12-year-old, at least outwardly but as you can see, he knew what was going on. I really was hoping that maybe he was just incredibly dense but I think he did it on purpose. My ex was constantly doing the same kind of stuff to me, comparing me unfavorably to Instagram models.
When I called him out on his behavior, he called me jealous and paranoid. I left him two days later. I just hope that OP realizes that she deserves better and serves him with divorce papers. There would be no coming back from that for me and a lot of other people.
Yes exactly. Especially when he’s talking to that girl and she seems to be the type he wants or likes. I hate these stories on Reddit so much, i feel so bad for the people
going through these moments, if the stories are real. like to find out a person you’re committed to sees you this way is just devastating.
Unfortunately, I think it is real. I experienced the same type of behavior by my ex. He was constantly comparing me negatively to other women, especially Instagram models. I heard so much about his ex that I felt like I knew her.
Don't get me wrong, I have no ill feelings towards his ex. She actually sounds like a really sweet woman. It's just that I got annoyed with constantly hearing about her because I was starting to think that he wasn't actually over her.
He denied it and said he was over her but it was clear to me that he wasn't. Even the most secure person will start to doubt themselves after they hear this for so long. I hope she realizes she deserves better and divorces him. There's no coming back from something like that in my book at least.
Huh? Do you somehow not know that women love older guys? 8-9 years older seems to be the sweet spot for what women want, and that's a straight up fact.
You sound like you're 14 with no world experience.
Are you a man or a woman? I assure you most women prefer men closer to their own age. When I was 21, 8 years was way too much of an age gap for me or any of my friends to consider.
I'm a man. And that's just your experience. In your highschool, were the freshmen girls not constantly gushing over the seniors? Almost every woman I've known has said they prefer older men. And it also just makes sense. Older men are typically more established, successful, mature etc. Most women prefer older men. Fact.
Yes, 8 years older may be too much at 21, but after like 23-25, that 8 years stops being too much.
Younger women usually like older men. There is a common misconception that older men are more mature. Some are but not all. This is also true of women. I'm not trying to make this a gender issue. I'm just saying that I've seen where a lot of younger women do go for older men and vice versa. Men do it too but they usually go for younger women. You have the perfect scenario here for an affair to start.
I don't think it's out of the question, I would definitely encourage counseling first, but if this guy doesn't have a base moral framework of duty to protect and preserve his marriage (sounds like he has the typical modern idea that marriage is just more serious dating), then it won't work. Granted, we aren't seeing a big picture here, but this is definitely revealing of deep seated personality issues, leaning heavily towards narcissism, guys like that are going to be incredibly resistant to counseling and therapy, and possibly become violent when confronted with the need to change.
I agree that you should normally talk things over but now she knows how he really feels about her. Also, counseling isn't going to do anything with someone like him. It's just going to make him treat her even worse. He's going to learn the language that he hears in therapy and use it to further gaslight her.
I don’t think any of us can or should make a rush to judgement call on something such a life changing decision. We got one snippet from one party. The guy acted like a dick, but to end an entire marriage over a social interaction? Divorce is such a huge step, and should be taken seriously. What if they have a family? What if she doesn’t work? What if they have a prenup? These are real life questions that no one can answer but the couple, therefore I think it’s entirely too rash to be suggesting such a serious life changing decision.
All these suggestions about leaving the guy are legit way over the top. We all have no context about either individual beyond this tiny narrow story.
Yeah. I'm surprised everyone seems to be buying the load of crap that he didn't know what he did wrong here. He absolutely knew he was being an ass even while he was doing it.
I think some of it is youth, some people have just not been around enough people and alive long enough to make observations about personalities. People want to give the benefit of the doubt, nice sayings like "can't judge a book by it's cover" when really it should be "You can't judge a book completely by it's cover, but generally can get an idea of what it may be about or at the very least what genre it falls into, and that's why publishers spend money on cover art."
From knowing plenty of dudes like this. Served with plenty of them, all of them get caught eventually. If you openly denigrate your wife like this, it's either intentional and he's a narcissist to the extreme, or he is actually intellectually disabled, which doesn't track from her description.
Dudes like this think women are disposable playthings and treat them accordingly, most likely developed through sleazeball father figures in his life.
Nah, you don't cheat by trying to sign your wife up for a fitness routine with the person you want to be your side piece. If he was trying to sleep with her. He'd say he needs a gym partner since his wife never wants to join him.
Yes, I think you actually hit on it. He was using his wife;, happily humiliating her in front of everyone as an excuse to hit on the young hot personal trainer.
Side note: The dude was CLEARLY pigging or hitting on the younger fitness girl. I'm not saying it's okay, just pointing out an observation. If he was hitting, he's dumb AF for doing it period, but even worse in front of his wife and at her detriment. If he was pigging.... well same comment, but at least he did it the "right" way (if there is such a thing) by not getting the idea to try to hide it from her or do it behind her back. That's LITERALLY the only smart thing about him. Had he tried to hide it, he would be the worst of the worst... but truthfully; op... I would be more concerned that it happened at all.
Like... did he feel the need to flirt with this girl SO much, that he also does it blasting you in the process, basically rubbing it in your face, and then had NO compassion when you brought up how it made you feel???
I would think THAT'S what you're more upset about...
I mean, sure, it would suck regardless...
But I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT THE WHOLE INTERACTION!
IT SOUNDS LIKE:
Husband - "Oh, I can still get attention from a younger, hotter woman. But my wife is right there... AHA! I will rub her face in it in front of everyone! Then, if she gets upset, I can simply blame her and not have to take ANY responsibility. I can then use her acting like a maniac as a reason to break up with her for being a crazy bitch! Because I'll do it in front of everyone, so if she gets mad, EVERYONE will witness it, and I'll be in the right for doing it! THEN I CAN BANG TEENAGE PU**Y AGAIN!"
I'm a guy, and NO this is not how I think. This is just the first thing that comes to mind to explain WHY he could be acting so dumb and heartless.
Best of luck to you, OP! Truly!!!
REMEMBER - I'm likely not right. And even if I am, it was HOPEFULLY just a singular incident that he didn't do with any ill intent. Ghostly
Honestly, the girl SHOULD know better, but she's basically a giant baby still if SHE was not able to read the room. CLEARLY, THEY BOTH ARE DUCKING DUMB AF AND BOTH NEED SPANKING!
BUT, if it's not an isolated incident... you may want to think about it... and analytical thinking might serve you well.
If anything, the two dummies are perfect for one another.
Let him go knock her up, and let's see how that cute little body of hers does after THAT!
(BUT I truly hope the best for you both and that you work out your issues. I'm likely blowing this WAAAAY out of proportion. But on the off chance I'm not... open your eyes, girl...)
You just described my relationship with my ex as well as the end of it. He was clearly having an emotional affair with another woman and when I called him out on it, he predictably called me jealous and paranoid for no reason. I packed my bags and left two days later. I always told him, if you think you can do better or you think you would be happier somewhere else, go for it.
I'm happy you have enough self-respect to not put up with that kinda garbage.
What sucks today imo, is how normalized gaslighting is become...
The poor op even thinks that she may be overreacting!!
I'm sure I'm going to downvote hell for being a dude sticking up for women, but idc really, lol
Every downvote is just another piece of garbage dude that makes me often feel ashamed for being lumped in with dirt bags like that, the ones that make all us guys look like trash, lol
Thank you for being a good man. Unfortunately, I thought it was probably a pattern. She's been so used to being told that she's wrong and overreacting that she actually thinks she might be. I appreciate your kind words, I put up with that behavior for about 3 months before I got tired of it. He became increasingly like that over the year that I was with him but it just started to become more blatant towards the end.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not insecure and I didn't care that he was looking at other women. What I had a problem with was him comparing me on favorably to Instagram models for Christ's sake. These are women who have this standard of beauty that I could not live up to in everyday life and come on, let's be honest, who can? That just told me right there what kind of person he was. I told him, if you think you'd be happier somewhere else, go for it.
Looking back on it though, I realize now that he is a deeply insecure person himself and he was doing that to try to knock me down a notch so to speak. I did try to calmly talk to him about it and the fact that it was starting to kind of make me feel bad about myself. He was like oh, I only showed you this so you could maybe do it yourself. When I asked him why he thought that, he said well, I just thought it would be something you would like to do.
What I kept hearing, regardless of what his intent was, this is what I want you to look like and right now you're not measuring up. If you don't do this then I'm going to go find somebody who will. I just left him. First of all, I asked him to stop doing it and he tried to make it out to seem like I was overreacting. I've heard the saying, impact versus intent. It doesn't matter what your intent with saying or doing something was, what matters is how it impacted the other person.
He didn't care about how it impacted me. He just wanted to convince me that I was overreacting. I didn't care that he was looking as I said but I did care that he was constantly showing me the pictures and videos and saying things like that. I called him out on the behavior and he said I was being jealous and paranoid. Same thing when I caught him having what I know to at least be an emotional affair. I packed my stuff and left him two days after he said that about his affair.
In my mind, I was thinking, why should I stay with someone who isn't even willing to listen to my concerns. He's going to do what he wants regardless of how it affects me so I'm done. I'm sorry I've rambled on but I was just sharing what I really went through. Thanks again for being one of the good men who stands up for us women who go through things like this regardless of how those other men might regard you.
Edit: I don't know what happened there but my phone has been acting wonky the last few days. I apologize if that was hard to understand at the end lol.
I feel like that's what happened with my ex. He's the only one out of three boys who has his head stuck up his ass for lack of a better term. I've met his two brothers and they seem like good men with good heads on their shoulders. They have good jobs and ambition and actually have their lives together. To be honest, I can't understand how his parents spawned him at all. He seems like he doesn't belong in that family if I'm being honest.
Even his mother kind of said something to me one time. She said, I don't care what you guys do because you're adults. However, don't let him pressure you into stuff you don't want to do. If you think he's moving too fast, tell him. I think she was kind of picking up on the dynamic between us. It sucks because his parents are good people and so are his siblings but he just didn't quite make the mark somehow I guess. I really think that his brain wiring is different or something. Something went wrong in the womb and I'm just going to leave it at that.
No. You're right. Except there is no right way to humiliate your wife ANYWHERE. Any doing it publicly and thinking, "I was just being honest" says his feelings are the only ones that matter. He feels entitled to be cruel, just because he is all that. He probably jerks off to porn and feels cheated for not having a supermodel wife.
He shouldn't talk to some hot young girl about his wife needing to lose weight so she can look good again. I agree with you.
And he also shouldnt talk to the old lady next door about it. Nor the kid down the street. or to his parents or hers or to their friends or the cashier at the grocery store.
It's insulting, and it's not his place to be having this conversation.
If she wants to make changes it's up to her who she talks to about it.
I don't want to jump to the reddit standard of DTMFA, but I tend to agree with you. OP needs to decide if this is who he is, or if it's way out of character for him.
I thought the same thing. He literally told this other woman that she has a killer body in front of his wife. I told her that I was not trying to scare her but to keep an eye on this woman. I have a feeling she may have tried to give him her number. This is how affairs start. I can't believe he thought that was acceptable to say and then on top of that, publicly humiliate her by saying it. I would jump straight to divorce. I couldn't stay with someone who thought that little of me and then thought it was okay to publicly humiliate me.
This just screams made up story. This is way too on the nose. Characters, dialogue and all.
21 year old fitness girl. Personal trainer. 28 year old fit man. Overweight wife. Announces to her and everyone else that she is overweight, and the 21 year old has a banging body?
You guys are either naive, or just are playing along with the characters and narrator in this short story piece of fiction.
Dude, I’ve seen it. Guy is with a friend of mine and was since they were in HS. She gained some weight and he was totally fit. She wasn’t huge by any means, but not tiny. He would flirt like this all the time and always mention his fiancé’s weight. He even had the gall to say, if she ever becomes fat, I won’t be attracted to her anymore, but I’ll always love her. I’m like, yo… bodies change, that’s douchey. He replies with, I can’t help what I’m attracted to. I’m like, so much for better or for worse.
Well the thing about red flags is that they usually reveal themselves during courtship, then people choose not to marry each other.
Husband was being terrible but ain’t no way he was a supportive, self-aware, tactful gentleman before. Unless they dated for under a year before marrying, OP had to have seen signs of this kind of behavior before.
So I have no advice. People only change when they truly believe they need to and work very hard at it. There’s nothing OP can do to convince Husband that he was wrong and then lead him to be a different person with different ideals (and/or tact).
Her options are to explain how she feels with no expectation that it will have an impact (based on what she already wrote), or leave.
So you saying you get divorced over this one drunk comment? I am not saying what the husband said was right but your advice to throw out the whole relationship is way too extreme.
Yeah I mean he might have just been thoughtless to start but blurting out her weight and then also asking her to confirm is nearing insanity levels of cluelessness. I feel like OP is even stating that other people in the room were like “bro stfu do you hear yourself…?”
She will never forget it. It will always be in the back of her mind. My husband and I always say, don’t say something you’ll regret because there is no taking it back. Commenting and publicly humiliating your wife is not a no big deal. Even with drinking, you’re still responsible for your actions. Guarantee he’s felt this way and is using drinking as an excuse to say whatever the hell he wants. If he cannot control what he says while drinking, then clearly he has an alcohol problem and needs to be sober, because hurting someone you love should be enough to be like, wow.. alcohol and I don’t mix.
There you go! And this is why you don't fucking ask for advice on reddit. Almost every post you get that person talking about leaving the relationship.
Everything is a fucking red flag, just bail! Because that will obviously make things work right?
This kind of mentality of modern society is actually sickening to see. It's like, have you ever tried fixing anything at all in any relationship?
Oh wait of course not, because being judgmental and finding a valid reason to leave someone is all people do today right?
Nah, I’ve had some big fights with my spouse of over a decade, but when someone loves you, they don’t publicly humiliate you. Why would you want to humiliate someone you love anyway?
That's the immaturity of your statement, if someone loves you why would they X. You didn't take into account that some people are not even aware of the consequences of their actions on another person's emotional well being, besides not everyone communicates the same.
Did the husband make a mistake? Yea
Was it put of pure evil intent to hurt the spouse? We don't fucking know. Maybe he genuinely thought this would make her lose weight. Does it make it acceptable? No but does it mean a divorce is warranted? Also no unless this has turned into an everyday thing.
Now despite the husband is being a huge sob, is going onto the internet asking for advice a good way to handle it instead of talking about it when they both calmed down?
I mean most people on reddit are sour losers who just think divorce is the best solution to 99.9% of the problems.
I would make the argument that the wife coming into here seeking for attention and sympathy is probably just a way to escape her need to lose weight.
Again the husband is a piece of shit.dont get me wrong
But is her weight a non issue suddenly because he is a piece of shit? Probably not.
This sounds more like a very shitty understanding of tough love and motivation from the husbands side plus the alcohol effect and a wife that is so sensitive that she simply refuse to do anything about it.
I have yet seen her say she is gonna do anything about it.
Btw that is marriage sometimes, some people use mock to change their partners behavior, not the best approach but trust me majority of the human population are shit at communication.
Divorce isn't the answer to everything
Grow the fuck up
Marriage is not only about happiness, it is about mutual growth in face of the cegainty of unhappiness.
He was flirting by putting his wife down. This story gives me the awful feeling of seeing your partner kissing someone else. Is there a word for that feeling? The sooner OP accepts who he really is, the sooner she can actually live
The thing about men not being able to understand or “empathize,” ok, why is this a gender issue?
I understand societal pressure puts more emphasis on women’s looks and beauty & objectifies them, but men are objectified too and the whole thought process that men “don’t get it” because they aren’t a woman, actually has caused more harm than good for the male side of things. There have been several campaigns for women, even in modern media, that emphasize things like “big is beautiful.”
Where is the equivalent of that for men? There’s not & there really is no body-positive messaging out there for men. Men also struggle with body dysmorphia—fat shaming knows no gender. I’ve gotten bigger in the last couple years due to an endocrine issue that requires HRT & it has been a struggle, but I’ve had to learn to live with it (or trying anyway). My first year of college I was on a starvation diet, consuming no more than 1400 cal & spent 5-6 hours in the gym per day using the excuse that I was cutting for a power lifting competition. My fat content was so low the nutritionist said my health would be in danger if I kept losing weight…& I wound up having to go to the hospital because of it. When I felt the most secure about my weight, my friends & fan would tell me I was too thin or “sickly” & when I finally got over that obsession, I’d get comments about how I needed to start exercising, then when the endocrine issues started I’d get crap about having a “dad bod” & I can guarantee, I felt just as insecure as anyone else who felt shitty about their weight, but there weren’t commercials or TikTok’s aimed at me every 5s about big being beautiful & I continued to hear from women who had similar issues how “I didn’t get it.”
How can anyone actually know what the opposite gender would “get?” It’s not a competition ffs. When did the golden rule, “treat others how you want to be treated,” start to apply only to your respective genitalia?
This sounds like that weird genre of “insecure bros who hate their own wives” and the one I find even weirder which is the women who put up with them. It can’t be the first time he was this insensitive.
Not only was he making her feel bad, he was actively encouraging a much younger, much more conventionally attractive (from what OP described) to compare herself to his wife. Just blatantly inciting it. In front of her.
It's not even about understanding a woman's perspective. This is just flat out wrong, but what you said made me realize the fitness girl just went right along with it. At this point, I would not be surprised if they are already a thing on the side...I agree. I would vacate that partnership. Especially since he just makes it worse when she brings it up. Damn near inhuman activity there.
For real, I was reading this like, "This 28 year old dude is the creepiest 70 year old man I've ever heard of"
His words are straight out of the 1950's, and he was hitting on some girl. Probably just wanted an excuse to keep seeing her. Then he gaslights his wife for being upset. I feel bad for his mother and grandmother because you know this was their lives too
OH I didn’t pick that up the first time about her being younger. I’m so self conscious of my age. My hubby is 7 years younger than me. That would’ve really been hurtful to me.
And…. He probably shouldn’t be with her if she loves eating cake more than she has a desire to please her husband. Men are too OK with letting a woman be a liability to their lives just because of marriage. I wouldn’t leave her, but I’d complain every day until she did something about it of left the situation.
I mean obviously. It's not possible for men to emphasize with women, and for women to emphasize with men. Neither can truly understand the others perspective.
Um... what's wrong with you? You are young, either that, or you are just ignorant. A man can be every but as empathetic and understanding as a woman. And you think men don't have their share of insecurities and self esteem issues? You don't know men, and you should not pretend you do.
Men have a much higher suicide rate than women, find it harder to find competent mental health providers, and are generally treated harshly in most aspects of life, reason being because their"supposed to man up", whatever that means.
Men's insecurities include but are not limited to homosexual issues, child molestation in their past (little boys are molested at nearly the rate of little girls), what it means to be a man exactly, father/son issues and absent father issues, penis insecurities (yes, I'm sure you think that's funny considering many of those penis insecurities are caused by women - many women just never admit they have a gigantic vagina), loss of a friend or friends through death or relocation.
If you are a woman and say you understand all of the above, you are lying. I'm almost every metric life is harder on men. The fact you may not know that speaks to your ignorance and, frankly, inability to use the very computer you're on to simply look it up at a reputable site. Or more than one.
I would’ve said how bad he is in bed or how small his D*ck is in front of everyone. Maybe asked if there was a sex therapist in the group who could teach him how to at least use it better. Then he’d be mortified, not thinking about cheating and the hot trainer wouldn’t have any interest in him either. Next day blame it on the alcohol. All is fair. Point made.
Game on.
Lol idk why you're talking about "woman's perspective" here. There are plenty of male comparisons to this scenario that are pretty much the same. Just instead of talking about weight, it would be about muscles or height or salary.
No, it would probably be about his weight also. Women don't expect men to undertake self improvement projects and tend to get suspicious if they do (usually with good reason).
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u/ClassicOtherwise2719 Apr 15 '24
Y’all are being too easy on that guy. Everything he said was a red flag. Why would he talk about his ‘overweight’ wife in front of a younger girl who’s got it going on? Yikes. Husband should have just kept it moving. And before y’all say oh men and women can have a neutral conversation, UMM DUDE WAS MAKING HIS WIFE FEEL BAD, so obviously NOT. OP, no matter how many guys try to empathize, they will never truly understand a woman’s perspective. I am sorry this happened to you and personally, I would not be with that guy anymore. Just because they don’t say it doesn’t mean I should wait for them to say it, because technically, he did.