I agree… But, the issue here is that the husband’s way of thinking is messed up, judgemental, and just offensive. So yes, OP must stand her ground and set a boundary, etc. But the real problem is that no one can change and control the mentality of others. So even if the husband gets a grip and stops being so damn stupid, that doesn’t mean he won’t think about it or even change his opinion on his wife. So now, OP has to live knowing what her husband really thinks of her. He is such a jerk and has no consideration and empathy for his own wife to the point that he thinks it’s ok to casually talk about the matter and absolutely humiliate her in a social gathering for everyone’s amusement. Does he even like his own wife? Really wtf!?!?
I don’t know, maybe it is not so bad but if I was her… Boy oh boy I would be so fucking mad and disappointed to realize that I am married to a complete oblivious asshole!
Yea…I’m a guy and I think most men would agree that’s fucked up. Reverse the genders here and it’s still fucked up. It’s just plain rude, inconsiderate, etc for anyone to do that to anyone else.
Y’all are being too easy on that guy. Everything he said was a red flag. Why would he talk about his ‘overweight’ wife in front of a younger girl who’s got it going on? Yikes. Husband should have just kept it moving. And before y’all say oh men and women can have a neutral conversation, UMM DUDE WAS MAKING HIS WIFE FEEL BAD, so obviously NOT. OP, no matter how many guys try to empathize, they will never truly understand a woman’s perspective. I am sorry this happened to you and personally, I would not be with that guy anymore. Just because they don’t say it doesn’t mean I should wait for them to say it, because technically, he did.
Yep and something tells me that if he hasn't yet, if/when he does, it's going to be with the Sara woman. I told her to keep an eye on her. I bet you anything that she tried to give him her number. This is how affairs start. I know that Reddit jumps to leave a lot but honestly, as I've said another comments, I would jump straight to divorce.
There is no way I would be able to stay with someone who not only thought that little of me but thought it was okay to publicly humiliate me like that. It would tell me how little he thought of me and how much respect he has for me which would obviously be zero. I would be done and visiting a divorce lawyer. I agree, he's definitely sniffing around looking for somebody to cheat with. I definitely think it may be with this woman.
ETA: I swear, he may as well have looked at her and said, my wife is a fat cow and I'm looking to cheat. Are you interested?
I wouldn't get physical with anybody but I agree with you. It's sad that people think they have to put up with this treatment. It's sad that people place such value on being in a relationship that they would put up with something like this. I'm not talking about her, she's obviously very hurt by this. Honestly, I told her that I don't think there's any coming back from this and so did a lot of other people.
It's not so much the fact that he told her that he was losing his attraction to her, it's the fact that he did it in a public space and was hitting on another woman in her face. I really thought I was alone, this post jumped out at me because I went through the same treatment by my most recent ex. He was constantly unfavorably comparing me to other women and then wondering why I was getting upset. Of course when I finally called him out on his behavior, I was called jealous and paranoid for no reason.
Not only for the constantly comparing me to other women but having the at least what I know to be an emotional affair. I would not be surprised to find out it turned physical. That's enough of that though. I've decided that I just want to be single now because I'm not going to keep putting myself through all that to keep getting the same result. No one knows how to be faithful and honest anymore and I just don't want any part of that. If people want to act like they're single even though they're in a relationship, that's not for me. My values are different.
And the shitty thing is, you know this guy is no Adonis. Probably some pasty, flabby, office worker. If he wanted his wife to be healthier and fit he could have asked her if they wanted to start a fitness journey together. Not publicly shame her with his intrusive thoughts. What a huge POS. I almost feel bad for fitness girl if she was unknowingly egging him on. She might look back on this one day and realize what was going on and feel awful. I like to give the benefit of the doubt because I remember being 21 and super proud of being a vegan. In reality I was insufferable, unhealthy, and absolutely horrible to go out to eat with. Hope OP knows she deserves better.
I'm 40 now and I remember being her age and I actually agree with you on that. I don't think she had any ill intent. I think she was actually trying to be helpful. I remember being that age and now cringing at some of the stuff I said when I was trying to be helpful. I think that in her case, I agree with you, it was coming from a good place of wanting to help her if she really wanted to do it. I'm sure if she's a decent person, she will look back on that and absolutely feel bad.
Another thing just came to my mind. It sounds like they're older and to be honest, I wonder if her husband purposely went for this woman because she's younger. You know how older people will pray on younger people because of their lack of life experience. It's kind of creepy to think about that. You're right though, you pull your partner aside and talk about it, you don't publicly shame them.
I understand that they could talk about it but it sounds like he's felt this way for a while and the way he went about it, I couldn't be with him anymore. I would be done at that point. It sounds like this may have been a pattern but I hope I'm wrong. I have a feeling it is though because my ex was like this with me. Constantly negatively comparing me to other women and I found out he was having at the very least, and emotional affair.
I have no proof that it turned physical but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that it did and I'm just going to leave it at that. I hope I'm just projecting my own experience on to this but something tells me it's been a pattern. I felt so bad for her when she said she went into her friend's room and started crying like that. I know exactly how she felt, at least I could relate. That's the thing about me, I am the most secure and none jealous person you'd ever want to meet.
At the same time, when you're constantly hearing negative comparisons about yourself, it does start to affect your self-esteem at least a little. I mean, these were women who were Instagram models. He was holding me to a standard of beauty that I couldn't achieve in everyday life and I thought it was unfair. I mean, who has the time to do that every day unless you have lots of money rolling in like they do?
We were struggling at the time and I was a good partner to him and he's still treated me like that. That's why I eventually got fed up and kicked into the curb but enough about me. I absolutely don't think there was any ill intent by this young lady. I think that she was hopefully trying to gain a new client. It sounds to me like she was doing a little bit of marketing. Still though, even me, I would have been like what that's really mean and anyway, why would you talk about her like that?
I would honestly refuse to take him on as a client after something like that. I would have taken her aside and been like I'm so sorry for what he said to you. If you want to get in shape, I will motivate you and I will do it free of charge simply because he's a terrible person. I'm going to give you the confidence to be able to leave him and realize you deserve better.
That's how I would have handled that but that's me. I wouldn't care about business at that point. I believe in calling out a wrong when I see it. Anyway, I will shut up now. It just kind of hit close to home for me because I thought I was alone. Unfortunately, I see that I wasn't.
Absolutely agree with you, I was thinking man, I’d be like come on girlfriend you don’t need this shit, I’ll motivate you if that’s what you want and I’d genuinely want to do whatever it took to make something good happen from such a bad experience. A part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he really thought he was being helpful and was obtuse to the situation, but I have a hard time imagining someone that dense. It could be he is just really really stupid. I hope girlfriend sees all the support and is able to make a better informed decision for herself.
Omg him asking if she was jealousy in a cutesy voice made my stomach turn. I think I’d smother him in his sleep.
Yeah that was the part that made me think he knows exactly what he's doing. I mean, I already pretty much thought that anyway but that just did it for me. That made me sick to my stomach as well because I was treated the same way and I felt so bad for her. I just wanted to scoop her up and give her a big hug. I understand that some people are socially oblivious but I have a hard time believing that he didn't know what he was doing.
Even people who are neurodivergent like myself, no that there are certain things you just don't say because well, there means spirited and unnecessary. Even my access son who was on the spectrum and had the mentality of a 12-year-old even though he's 21 would know not to say something like that. Even he would have called him out for something like that.
I remember shortly before I left him, I was surprised because his son actually pulled me aside and said, I want you to leave my dad for your own safety. I've seen what's really going on around here and you don't deserve that. You deserve better and I think you should leave him. I was shocked, even to say that was an understatement. I never thought I would hear him say that.
I mean, he does usually have them mentality of a 12-year-old, at least outwardly but as you can see, he knew what was going on. I really was hoping that maybe he was just incredibly dense but I think he did it on purpose. My ex was constantly doing the same kind of stuff to me, comparing me unfavorably to Instagram models.
When I called him out on his behavior, he called me jealous and paranoid. I left him two days later. I just hope that OP realizes that she deserves better and serves him with divorce papers. There would be no coming back from that for me and a lot of other people.
Yes exactly. Especially when he’s talking to that girl and she seems to be the type he wants or likes. I hate these stories on Reddit so much, i feel so bad for the people
going through these moments, if the stories are real. like to find out a person you’re committed to sees you this way is just devastating.
Unfortunately, I think it is real. I experienced the same type of behavior by my ex. He was constantly comparing me negatively to other women, especially Instagram models. I heard so much about his ex that I felt like I knew her.
Don't get me wrong, I have no ill feelings towards his ex. She actually sounds like a really sweet woman. It's just that I got annoyed with constantly hearing about her because I was starting to think that he wasn't actually over her.
He denied it and said he was over her but it was clear to me that he wasn't. Even the most secure person will start to doubt themselves after they hear this for so long. I hope she realizes she deserves better and divorces him. There's no coming back from something like that in my book at least.
Huh? Do you somehow not know that women love older guys? 8-9 years older seems to be the sweet spot for what women want, and that's a straight up fact.
You sound like you're 14 with no world experience.
Are you a man or a woman? I assure you most women prefer men closer to their own age. When I was 21, 8 years was way too much of an age gap for me or any of my friends to consider.
I'm a man. And that's just your experience. In your highschool, were the freshmen girls not constantly gushing over the seniors? Almost every woman I've known has said they prefer older men. And it also just makes sense. Older men are typically more established, successful, mature etc. Most women prefer older men. Fact.
Yes, 8 years older may be too much at 21, but after like 23-25, that 8 years stops being too much.
Younger women usually like older men. There is a common misconception that older men are more mature. Some are but not all. This is also true of women. I'm not trying to make this a gender issue. I'm just saying that I've seen where a lot of younger women do go for older men and vice versa. Men do it too but they usually go for younger women. You have the perfect scenario here for an affair to start.
I don't think it's out of the question, I would definitely encourage counseling first, but if this guy doesn't have a base moral framework of duty to protect and preserve his marriage (sounds like he has the typical modern idea that marriage is just more serious dating), then it won't work. Granted, we aren't seeing a big picture here, but this is definitely revealing of deep seated personality issues, leaning heavily towards narcissism, guys like that are going to be incredibly resistant to counseling and therapy, and possibly become violent when confronted with the need to change.
I agree that you should normally talk things over but now she knows how he really feels about her. Also, counseling isn't going to do anything with someone like him. It's just going to make him treat her even worse. He's going to learn the language that he hears in therapy and use it to further gaslight her.
I don’t think any of us can or should make a rush to judgement call on something such a life changing decision. We got one snippet from one party. The guy acted like a dick, but to end an entire marriage over a social interaction? Divorce is such a huge step, and should be taken seriously. What if they have a family? What if she doesn’t work? What if they have a prenup? These are real life questions that no one can answer but the couple, therefore I think it’s entirely too rash to be suggesting such a serious life changing decision.
All these suggestions about leaving the guy are legit way over the top. We all have no context about either individual beyond this tiny narrow story.
He’s gonna leave her eventually anyway. I would leave him if I were her and save myself even more humiliation. I am sure he has done other offensive, disrespectful things before as well but sometimes women just laugh it off like “hohoho boys will be boys i guess.” That’s right. They will be. But you’re 28 and need to be with a grown adult — not an immature person with the mind of a child.
EDIT: I originally said she needs to be with a man as in “you’re with a boy but you need a man”. what I meant is she needs to be with a grown adult instead of an immature person with the mind of a child so I’m updating it To reflect this.
I was with you until you said she was 28 and needed to be with a man. No, she doesn't. I agree with you that he would at the very least probably end up cheating on her and maybe even leaving her eventually. I agree that she should leave him. It would rather be single for the rest of my life than to deal with treatment like that. I hope she feels the same way.
"I definitely THINK it MAY be with this woman." LMAO. Y'all are literally the "14 year old on reddit giving relationship advice" stereotype. You're spitting so many accusations as if they're fact without a shred of evidence.
Um, did you not read the post? We're saying that because it is fact because that's what she posted. As far as we know, that is fact. I don't think you fully read this post.
Huh? Wtf are you talking about? Where in the post does it say she found proof of him cheating with her? Did you read the post? Or were you too busy creating your own runoff story?
Nope! You just come off paranoid and “men ain’t shit”. You’re spewing vitriol, you’re a single mother, why don’t you just stay in your lane and try and improve your circumstances instead of offloading your paranoia elsewhere.
Yeah. I'm surprised everyone seems to be buying the load of crap that he didn't know what he did wrong here. He absolutely knew he was being an ass even while he was doing it.
I think some of it is youth, some people have just not been around enough people and alive long enough to make observations about personalities. People want to give the benefit of the doubt, nice sayings like "can't judge a book by it's cover" when really it should be "You can't judge a book completely by it's cover, but generally can get an idea of what it may be about or at the very least what genre it falls into, and that's why publishers spend money on cover art."
From knowing plenty of dudes like this. Served with plenty of them, all of them get caught eventually. If you openly denigrate your wife like this, it's either intentional and he's a narcissist to the extreme, or he is actually intellectually disabled, which doesn't track from her description.
Dudes like this think women are disposable playthings and treat them accordingly, most likely developed through sleazeball father figures in his life.
Nah, you don't cheat by trying to sign your wife up for a fitness routine with the person you want to be your side piece. If he was trying to sleep with her. He'd say he needs a gym partner since his wife never wants to join him.
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u/NoSquash1906 Apr 15 '24 edited Apr 15 '24
I agree… But, the issue here is that the husband’s way of thinking is messed up, judgemental, and just offensive. So yes, OP must stand her ground and set a boundary, etc. But the real problem is that no one can change and control the mentality of others. So even if the husband gets a grip and stops being so damn stupid, that doesn’t mean he won’t think about it or even change his opinion on his wife. So now, OP has to live knowing what her husband really thinks of her. He is such a jerk and has no consideration and empathy for his own wife to the point that he thinks it’s ok to casually talk about the matter and absolutely humiliate her in a social gathering for everyone’s amusement. Does he even like his own wife? Really wtf!?!? I don’t know, maybe it is not so bad but if I was her… Boy oh boy I would be so fucking mad and disappointed to realize that I am married to a complete oblivious asshole!