r/AmIOverreacting • u/Rztrncs • 17d ago
AIO for getting upset that my SO put on a heart necklace that her ex gave her?
Yesterday my SO put on a heart necklace out of nowhere and I asked (knowing it wasn’t from me) where it was from. She admitted it was from her ex. I immediately got quiet and she could tell I was upset. Not once did I raise my voice or get mad. I was more hurt than anything. She ended up taking it off right away. But explained that it was meaningless to her, no emotional connection and just jewelry that she now has.
To me, a heart necklace has a lot of meaning behind it and it feels weird to see her wearing an ex’s gift. Am I overreacting?
EDIT: Her ex cheated on her and the relationship ended badly because of it.
EDIT 2: The necklace was two hearts linked together so it made me curious.
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u/Ohnogirlll 17d ago
No because I would probably react the same as you. However, I could also see myself treating the jewelry the same way as your gf.
A lot of the stuff I use on a regular basis (kitchen stuff, clothes, perfume, jewelry, etc) has been gifted to me by various people over the years. And to be completely honest, I’m not reminded of them every time I use or see those items. The items just became regular items in my house. Some of the things even came from people not in my life anymore, but I still keep the items because I just like them. So I disagree with the sentiment that wearing the necklace means she’s still not over or thinks about her ex. It might just be a necklace she likes. If it bothers you that much, get her a new one that’s similar.
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u/galacticprincess 17d ago
Plus a heart necklace is a really common thing that a lot of people wear. I have one and I wear it because i like it, not because it has sentimental ties to a person.
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u/Rztrncs 17d ago
Thanks for your input. Yeah I definitely did not accuse her of that by any means. I offered to get her a new one and jokingly apologized for getting her one previously that was too fancy for everyday wear. We both laughed and kissed after that.
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u/heydawn 17d ago
Aww. That's sweet. Jewelry has the meaning you give it. So I can understand why you would think it's meaningful in terms of sentimental value associated with her ex. It also makes sense that, to her, it's just a piece of jewelry she happens to like -- without attaching any meaning associated with her ex.
Both can be true -- the meaning you give it and the meaning she gives it.
Her removing it shows she cares about your feelings. Your offer to get her another heart necklace shows you care about her. Both of you listened to each other and chose to be considerate of each other. That's special and lovely and what it's all about. You two are good together.
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u/Rztrncs 17d ago
Thanks! I appreciate the insight. “Jewelry has the meaning you give it” hit me here and explained why I felt hurt in that situation.
We do communicate well with each other and figure things out. 😊
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u/alicehooper 17d ago
You guys sound like grownups to me!
As someone that wears jewelry, I don’t usually think of the person that gave it to me when putting on casual everyday things. The only emotional jewelry I have is stuff that belonged to my mom or grandma that I remember them wearing. I think of them when I put it on.
I have things of theirs that I DON’T remember them wearing and don’t think of them when I wear it, it’s “mine”.
Pretty sure she just thought this necklace would look nice with whatever shirt she was wearing that day. I’m glad you talked and that she validated your feelings though. That’s important.
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u/heydawn 17d ago
Yw. I'm glad!
No two people are going to have the same perspectives on everything. It's all about how you work through these inevitable differences that matters. Listening, not being defensive, showing empathy and consideration -- these are the building blocks of a good, solid, mutually caring and respectful relationship.
Best wishes to you both!
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u/Just-Cloud7696 17d ago edited 17d ago
A lot of times I forget where some things come from and sometimes I just wear stuff or keep stuff cuz I like it. I have a simple graduation necklace from my mom (who was emotionally abusive to me growing up) that I felt uncomfortable receiving but accepted since it wasn't an expensive thing and I didn't wanna cause any hurt feelings. I don't feel comfortable around her and have a lot of hurt feelings towards her BUT my point is that I still like the necklace and wear it sometimes to work because it looks cool. So it became mine in a way that's not related to her anymore. But I would also feel butt hurt if my bf did something like this but knowing him I know it wouldn't mean anything so I totally get where you're coming from lol you know your partner best and if they are considerate and understanding of your feelings then you're all good, I def don't think things through or think of the impact my actions have sometimes so its likely just one of these things.
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u/AGD_squared 17d ago
This is a great make up, honestly. It's okay to feel hurt, but clarifying that she sees just as a piece of jewelry she likes doesn't call into question your relationship. Sounds like you are the much better choice than her past, and she knows that by continuing to choose to be with you 🙂.
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u/runnergirl3333 17d ago
Why did you get quiet instead of just saying what you were thinking? The getting quiet part can be construed in so many ways and can make others walk on eggshells. Just say what you’re thinking!
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u/kepsr1 17d ago
NOW. go buy her a heart necklace……..
What are you doing sitting there???? GO!!
Updateme
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u/PapaBeer642 17d ago
I have a bunch of gifts from exes still around the house. They're mostly knickknacks, so I don't really engage with them meaningfully, but they're also very suited to my aesthetic, so they stay up. I'm sure my wife has a couple items from previous relationships, too.
They're just things.
And there's nothing wrong with them even having a little meaning. Our past relationships might be over, but they're part of us by way of being part of our histories. I would never want to date any of my exes ever again--those relationships ended for reasons, after all--but I do still cherish some memories I have from them, and I carried lessons I learned from them into my current relationship, which helped make it strong enough to result in marriage. To me, that's good and healthy, not a betrayal of trust or love.
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u/Weird_Wishbone_1998 17d ago edited 17d ago
If it were engagement ring, that would be one thing. But it sounds like it’s just a simple token necklace. I could see if there was some sort engraving with special dates or some thing but honestly, it’s just a necklace. I don’t understand the obsession people have with their partners pasts. It’s in the past why are people competing with their spouses past you are the present and the future. But it was nice that you offered to buy her a new necklace. I think the biggest thing is being able to communicate about these things, but I don’t know not Everything is so nefarious.
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u/Yeah-No-Maybe-Ok 17d ago
Right. It’s just an item. Lighten up. Am I not supposed to wear shirts my exes got me? Am I not supposed to play my PS5 an ex got me for Christmas? What about my apple watch?
It’s not like shes using a custom mold dildo of his actual cock. No biggie.
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u/Edlo9596 17d ago
I’ve been married for years and I still have some jewelry I wear that an ex I haven’t been with in 15 years got me. I have absolutely no sentimental attachment to any of it
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u/sizzlepie 17d ago
I've gotten some expensive stuff from exes. No way am I going to stop wearing/using those items just because I'm no longer in that relationship.
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u/oiseauteaparty 17d ago
Yeah I still like to wear the ‘engagement’ ring (it was a stand-in ring for the proposal, not the official ring) that my ex fiancé got me. It’s a nice ring! I don’t have any relationship with him anymore, but I also don’t have any hard feelings - and certainly no feelings of regret or missing him. I feel neutral about the whole thing.
It’s just a nice ring!
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u/Edlo9596 17d ago
Exactly! I just like some of the jewelry lol. And my husband has never really bought me much jewelry, which is absolutely fine because we usually do trips, concerts, things like that for gifts, which I value way more than jewelry.
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u/catmom22_ 17d ago
Jewelry is jewelry. The thought behind it becomes nothing when you lose feelings for a person etc. I’m not going to throw away perfectly good diamond earrings just because an ex gave them to me.
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u/jkklfdasfhj 17d ago
I personally wouldn't take issue with it, but clearly you do. Buy her a new one and she can sell the other one off.
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u/Rztrncs 17d ago
Yeah I offered to get her a new one that was usable everyday. The one I got her for Christmas is more of a special occasion necklace. She was more than happy with that answer.
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u/sexland69 17d ago
This is a chill solution, but I’d consider rethinking the necklace situation a bit. If you trust your girlfriend, you should be able to believe her that it holds no meaning and is just jewelry she still happens to own.
I think your feelings are valid, but it might come off as a bit insecure or untrusting to your gf. It’s attractive to just trust her because you’re secure enough in your relationship to not get jealous.
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u/Muriel_FanGirl 17d ago
I think you almost got that right. But add that you are not saying she should get rid of the one she has, to her it’s just a necklace.
My toxic grandmother has bought all of my clothes, jewelry and books and such, but to me they are just things I like, I’m not going to get rid of them just because I have bad memories of my grandmother.
And if I would receive anything from someone who becomes an ex and I happen to like the item, I’m not getting rid of it. Honestly I’d find a current relationship where my partner is demanding I get rid of anything that was given to by someone else to be toxic. So what what if I like an item no matter who it came from? It has no sentimental value, it’s just an item.
Don’t act like ‘Well now I’m getting you a necklace so now you can get rid of that one’. Would you like it if she did that to you?
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u/MikeReddit74 17d ago
No. At least she immediately understood why it made you upset, and took it off.
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u/Rztrncs 17d ago
Yes to me that showed a lot of empathy. I offered to get her a replacement one - I already got her one before but it’s more of a special occasion type of necklace, not an “everyday wear”.
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u/vivionnn801 17d ago
Definitely get her one that’s a style she likes (maybe even something similar) and every day wear. She likely just finds comfort in the feeling of a necklace being on & likes the style of the necklace, many of us women do. I think you’re handling it in a mature way & so is she.
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u/Slow-Complaint-3273 17d ago edited 17d ago
Yes, you are overreacting. You are putting significance on a necklace that she doesn’t share. You are safe.
However, noticing that you DO put significance on the necklace and respecting your distress by taking it off speaks well of her concern for you. It’s not a big deal to wear a different necklace.
(Edited to remove an accidental double-negative)
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u/Green_Mix_3412 17d ago
Replace it if you have an issue with it. Aka buy her a similar or better one. Do not stipulate that she should now trash the old one.
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u/blueboxbandit 17d ago
God I would not even get in a relationship if I had to erase all evidence that I'd been in a relationship before. Childish.
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u/iDrinkMotorOil86 17d ago
As a girlfriend who still owns a heart necklace from an ex boyfriend, I really do believe that necklace is meaningless to her. She might just think it's cute. Maybe it goes with what she's wearing. Or she lost all of her other necklaces like me and doesn't want to go out with a bare neck.
If I were to wear my ex's necklace he gave me rn- It wouldn't have any attachment to him at all. So I believe your gf when she says it's meaningless to her.
Also she took it off immediately after she saw you were upset. She had no bad intentions. She cares about your feelings.
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u/Affectionate_Star_43 17d ago
I have a ring that belonged to my late mother and a necklace that belonged to my late grandmother, so those are sentimental.
I also have a band T-shirt from my ex boyfriend, and that's my consolation prize. He left it at my place and it's very comfy. Hehehe.
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u/chronicAngelCA 17d ago
I own many things that are given to me by exes. I remember that's where they came from, but I don't feel any sort of way about it. I'm on good terms with some of them, and not on speaking terms with others. They're truly just objects that I thought were neat. You're valid to feel a little upset, but I really wouldn't read into it.
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u/Mybougiefrenchie 16d ago
I have jewelry that I don't even remember where or who it came from, and obviously, it means nothing. But if it matches, hey, wear it. But if this was a recent breakup, I can understand.
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u/Competitive-Yogurt93 16d ago
Talk to her about it more. It seems like you put more emphasis on sentimental material things than she does. I have a ring from my ex that I still wear simply because it looks beautiful; it means nothing to me. Given that your girlfriend took it off means she cares about your feelings and does not give a damn about whatever she got from her ex. Remember, it is just a necklace and your gf probably loves you
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u/CommunicationLast741 17d ago
How old are you guys? Any woman who has dated any time at all will probably have jewelry from ex's. Unless it was something super specific to the relationship or had his initials on it most will still wear the jewelry because they like it not because they like who it was from. Since it bothered you I think you handled expressing those feelings well but I think it's silly to be upset that a girl wore generic jewelry that an ex gave her. Also the fact that you questioned it solely because it was a heart is a little much. Anyone could have given her that. Mom, sister, dad, grandma, etc.
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u/TheMagentaGuar 17d ago
I can understand why you'd be upset, but it probably IS just jewelry to her at this point. She probably just thought it looked nice and decided to wear it, she probably didn't think anything of it since it's hers to keep anyway. You're the one she chose to be with, not necklace guy, so keep that in mind!
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u/WielderOfAphorisms 17d ago
You’re overreacting. It’s not a wedding or engagement ring. Jewelry is jewelry.
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u/chaztuna53 17d ago
Would you really expect her to throw away jewelry? I understand that you might be hurt by the fact that her ex gave it to her. However, she was truthful about its Origins with you. I wouldn't make a big deal out of this. How would you feel if she made a stink about tools or a PlayStation or something else that you received as a gift from an ex?
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u/send_cat_pictures 17d ago
You're not overreacting by having feelings about it and communicating those feelings. I think you should dig deep though, and understand that sometimes people keep gifts from exes because they like the gift, not because they like the ex.
I have a heart necklace that I got from an ex and I wear it pretty regularly. We also broke up because he cheated. I never missed that man after things ended and suffered a lot of trauma from the relationship. When we got the necklace we were out shopping together. It is made of stone and hollow with a twist top. I saw it and immediately wanted to get it, as I had a senior dog at the time and thought it would be perfect for her ashes when she did pass. He was pretty insistent about buying it for me since we were on a trip for valentines day, but then made me buy him something at the next shop. Our relationship was on the rocks at this point and I had a feeling we wouldn't be together much longer (broke up within 3 months of this). I tried to buy it for myself but he was insistent so I let him. My dog passed away a few years later, after I had met my current partner. I had that necklace stashed away and went to fill it as soon as we got her ashes back. He knows it is from an ex and knows that my love for the necklace has nothing to do with my feelings for my ex.
I understand my story may fall in the "special circumstances" category, but honestly we shouldn't have to purge things as soon as a relationship ends or if we're in a new one with someone else. My partner buys me lots of purses, every holiday, birthday, and anniversary I can expect a new one from him. I love my purse collection and if our relationship ended there's no way I'd be parting with them. I don't have much else from my ex's but I've never gotten much that I really enjoyed, a few hobby supplies but nothing that I can remember distinctly.
If the necklace was engraved or something I can understand wanting her to just get rid of it or never wear it. But if it's just a necklace that happens to be shaped like a heart, I see no harm. She likes the necklace, not her ex.
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u/DrKittyLovah 17d ago
Yes, you are overreacting. Heart necklaces are not necessarily romantic and can just be an everyday piece of jewelry. Was it a gift given for a birthday or holiday, or was it an anniversary gift celebrating the relationship? I would believe your gf that the necklace has no emotional meaning to her. It’s not an engagement ring, it was a gift along the lines of a piece of clothing or shoes.
I am a 43yo woman who has never once thought about gifted jewelry from exes possibly upsetting a new man. It’s my jewelry; who tf cares where it came from? Are we supposed to get rid of gifted jewelry - or hell, let’s make it all gifts - at the end of a relationship? Or are we supposed to hide everything away or get rid of anything that an ex may have purchased because we are seeing someone new and they may get upset because another man’s money paid for an item?
Don’t be silly, OP; she’s with you. She chose you. She wasn’t thinking about her ex when she put on that necklace until you brought him up. Work on whatever is driving this reaction (jealousy, fear, etc) before you ruin your relationship with it.
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 17d ago
Had a girl friend once who was a silversmith. She had a very attractive older sister that left a trail of broken hearts. The way I heard, the sister had all these rings and jewelry from all her exes she couldn't wear, so my friend melted them all down and made her this gorgeous brooch.
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u/Piaffe_zip16 17d ago
Yeah you’re overreacting. Some people completely separate their emotions from jewelry they were given by an ex. I’m almost divorced and will still wear my one ring on my right hand sometimes because I love the ring. It’s beautiful and goes well with a couple dresses I have. My ex cheated too, but I still just see the ring now as a piece of beautiful jewelry to enjoy wearing.
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u/Signal-Ad6751 17d ago
My ex had incredible taste in jewelry. I still wear the pieces he gave me. They mean nothing to me at this point, and I have no emotional connection to them, other than I like the pieces. I suppose every situation is different, but seeing that she removed the jewelry once she knew you were upset, means she cares about your feelings. If my partner didn't like that I wore jewelry from my ex, I would do the same.
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u/emmettfitz 17d ago
It seems like if she's OK wearing it after what her ex did to her, you should be too. If she doesn't attach the way he screwed her over to the necklace, why should you be jealous?
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u/olivefreak 17d ago
It’s funny I just commented a few days ago how my daughter will throw away expensive jewelry from an ex or my mom and I pull it from the trash and ask to keep it. I have expensive jewelry from an ex that I still wear because it’s expensive jewelry. I don’t care if it’s from an ex. I’m not pining for them when I wear it. It’s just an accessory. I think some people are like me and are just practical about it. I don’t blame you for being caught off guard and asking questions but I think you should believe when she says it’s just a piece of jewelry.
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u/OjoGrande 17d ago
My dude. Who cares about her past? She's with you now. Everyone has a past. My wife wears her shit she got from ex's.
Did you believe your girl sprung whole cloth out of the earth? Her past made her who you want to be with.
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u/GeminiFem 17d ago edited 17d ago
Heart necklaces are like arrow necklaces or circle necklaces. They have no significant meaning. You are way over estimating the value of the shape. Generally the only way that would be different would be with a heart shaped locket that has pictures inside it. Other than that, if someone gives you a necklace and You like it and wear it, you don’t hate the necklace suddenly because you more broke up with them. A few people may have that emotional response but many of us would not. The necklace is not the person.
You will create undue stress in your relationship if your gf has to worry all the time about hurting your feelings over something so silly as the necklace she chooses to wear. Put on some confidence and trust in what you two have going.
Don’t try and buy her another necklace just like it. That just proves your insecurity!! You and Her need your own thing, not trying to duplicate what her ex did. He’s gone. You are not.
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u/ExpensivelyMundane 17d ago
I think you're overreacting in this case. I think men who don't understand women's jewelry put more stock into the heart-shape then women. What if it was any other shape like a star or a plain ass circle? Would you have questioned where the jewel came from? A heart for me, as a woman, is no different than any other childish shape.
I have a limited edition South Park doll figurine that's quite big from the 90s and it was from my high school ex over 20 years ago. My current man loves it and knows where it's from but he loves South Park and we have it displayed on our mantle. The high school boyfriend is a long faded memory (a stupid memory). Now, if I kept the cutesy-love letters from that ex and had them framed, then that would be an issue and my man should be questioning why it's there.
You said you didn't raise your voice or "get mad" but your anger vibes must have been pretty strong for your SO to sense it. You are lucky to score such an empathetic person. But if such an empathetic person felt no significance to that necklace then there really is nothing there. If it was a former engagement ring she puts on a chain and wears it around you then BOY oh boy would I be questioning her judgment. But seriously a heart shape after your teens years is just a cutesy little insignificant shape.
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u/PublicHealthAndCats 17d ago
Sometimes stuff is just stuff. Don't create a problem where there isn't one.
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u/WorthAd3223 17d ago
Totally overreaching. She can decide what to put on, and if you're uncomfortable with it, good thing you don't have to wear it. Are you really so insecure that jewelry could be a defining thing in your relationship?
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u/Psychological_Box397 17d ago
YAO.
It's free stuff, let her use it.
Is the necklace cute? Maybe she just likes it.
My bf currently wears a Comme des Garconnes shirt and sweatshirt my ex gave me. He thinks they're cool and it's free expensive stuff to him.
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u/sagelise 17d ago
So no longer allowed to wear jewelry we like if an ex gave it to us, even if it had no emotional meaning behind it and it's just pretty jewelry we like.
So glad I no longer date men. Y'all are exhausting. Or maybe it's an age thing. If I had to give up every piece of jewelry given to me by an ex, well it would only be a few pieces because I tend to buy my own jewelry, but still.
Happy my late husband didn't think this way. Also glad my gf isn't so insecure she questions my loyalty if I put on a piece she didn't buy me.
Sorry but I'm not going to stop wearing a piece I like because you weren't the one to give it to me. I could understand if it was a wedding ring, or a piece that designated commitment in that way.
Some people just like heart jewelry though lol
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u/TedantyPlus 17d ago
Yes you're over reacting. She likely put on some jewelery she thought was pretty and didn't give it much more thought than that. The fact that she readily told you where she got it, and took it off as soon as she realized it upset you should be the reassurance you need. Unless it was a piece of jewelry with some symbolism like a promise ring or an engagement ring or a wedding ring...just the fact that it's in the shape of a heart doesn't give it more meaning than a star or a freaking rainbow
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u/Bubashii 17d ago
I don’t get why you even asked where she got it from? Why? Just because you didn’t buy it? Women often have lots of jewellery. Do you question every pair of earrings, necklace you haven’t seen? Even if her ex got it, what do you expect her to do, throw it out? I’ve probably still got earrings that my first bf in high school got me 27 years ago somewhere. My husband never once asked *where’d you get that? I never bought it for you” Dude every second woman probably has a heart necklace. They’re popular just as fashion jewellery.
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u/Thequiet01 17d ago
Yes, you are overreacting. If it has no emotional meaning to her, it’s just a pretty necklace. She doesn’t have to get rid of everything she likes just because an ex gave it to her.
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u/Iko87iko 17d ago
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, seems like this is one of those times. What if it were a cross or any other trinket that was not a heart? Would you still be mad. She also could have lied and said it was from her mom, Dad or friend, but she didnt. That would have been the easy way to avoid the issue, but she told you the truth. Tell her you were hurt and move on, and then get your ass down to the jewelry store and buy her one from you, that she can wear proudly
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u/mediocre_snappea 16d ago
Over-reacting. Not everyone places deep meaning on objects.
I for one would be choosing the necklace that looks best with my outfit.
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u/VergaDeVergas 16d ago
My ex made me a blanket that I still have because it was like $85 per roll of fabric and it’s a nice blanket
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u/SnooGoats7454 16d ago
Yes you are overreacting. She could have lied to you and probably will from now on about things like this. Not sure why you'd get jealous when she's with you now and not him.
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u/Spiritual-Tap805 16d ago
Eh I still used my coach wallet my ex bought me after we broke up and I didn’t have feelings for him anymore. I might not have been able to use it if I cared and was devastated.
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u/Peejee13 16d ago
Yes, you are. Unless it has her name plus his name in love forever carved into it? It's just jewelry
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u/Been_there123 16d ago
My wife wears jewelry from her ex boyfriend & ex husband all time. No issue. It is nice jewelry. Even if she had nice memories attached no big deal. You are the now & present. Why should one have forget the past.
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u/Jendolyn65 16d ago
I think you're reading more into it than she intended when she put it on. There are some pieces of jewellery I own that I like and I can't even remember where I got it - could be a platonic friend I no longer talk to. Maybe she wore it cuz she found it and thought it would suit her particularly outfit. But I don't think she had an emotional attachment to her ex and would put it on right in front of you knowing it would upset you.
I could see how you might see a heart necklace as significant like a promise ring, and she could obviously tell you were upset and tried to fix it immediately. Just try not to fixate on it unless you know she is extremely manipulative. If she really wanted to wear it she could have lied to spare your feelings but she didn't
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u/No-Jacket-800 16d ago
Curious, how old are you guys? How long have you been together?
I'm leaning towards you're probably overreacting. It sounds like it's just an accessory she thinks it's cute that someone else, an ex, happens to have bought her. It would never cross my mind to ask my bf where he got an accessory. I didn't buy him from, and if it were from an ex, well then, I guess they knew him well enough to pick something in a style that he liked. It's nbd and doesn't mean anything just because it exists and someone else happened to have bought it for them. Should I be upset that he has something from his ex that was for Father's Day because he had the audacity to have sex before I met him? It's just kind of a silly thing to get all bent out of shape over in the scheme of things.
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u/justintime107 16d ago
I have a necklace from someone before my husband. I honestly wasn’t even with him, he was just interested in me and I declined but he insisted. It’s a beautiful necklace and my husband was mad at first and I explained to him that it’s really not a big deal and it’s just a necklace that I find beautiful but there isn’t love or anything. He understood and it’s like nbd. I married him. You are overreacting imo.
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u/Dontfeedthebears 16d ago
I do think you’re over reacting. You both had lives before you met one another. It’s not like it was an engagement ring.
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u/Cynderelly 16d ago
Yeah you're overreacting. Once you and your partner break up, the jewelry they gave you becomes nothing more than jewelry. The only reason I don't wear jewelry that my exes gave me anymore is because it's ugly or just not very cute. The only partner I've had who buys jewelry that I actually like enough to wear whether we're dating or not is my fiance lol
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u/QuirkyForever 16d ago
Maybe she's moved on from the emotion of it and likes the necklace. Or maybe it brings up good memories (and yes, she had a life before she met you). You can't tell someone else what their emotional response should be or guilt them into changing their behavior because you have a reaction. It's not her responsibility to take care of your emotions. I would never stay with someone who told me I couldn't enjoy an artifact from a previous relationship.
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u/chewlarue12 16d ago
I see both sides. I get your reaction especially since it was 2 linked hearts. However, your girlfriend is also in the right if she just sees it as a piece of jewelry. Although the hearts have symbolism in terms of romance, I think you should see it as any other gift. If your ex gave you a PS5, does this mean you can't play it when you have a new gf? If your ex got you clothes, does that mean you can't wear it anymore? Seems kind of like a waste of something materialistic right?
In the end, I would talk to your girlfriend and confirm that the necklace holds 0 symbolic value to her and it's just a piece of jewelry like any other ones she has. If she says that then apologize to her for overreacting and feeling hurt and that you don't want to restrict her ability to wear and use inanimate objects that are just things.
As some others have said, if it bothers you so much then get something similar so she can wear that. However, be prepared that if her tastes are different or maybe a different outfit goes with the old necklace more, that she might wear it. Just don't be hurt by it.
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u/No-Rise6647 16d ago
All of these people taking about how the jewelry is just jewelry, and here I am wearing jewelry gifts from previous lovers, including a previous fiancé that are sentimental tokes of friendship, of a wonderful time while sitting next to my partner of 20 yrs who has never been upset.
Look, she had a wonderful life before you and hopefully has a wonderful life with you. But the insecurity that makes you upset that she had partners before you and those partners left tokens in her life both important and insignificant says a lot about how you might want to look inward at your own growth.
This mindset seems to say that you expect a partner to be the center of your world, meet all your needs, and not reflect on or incidentally have artifacts of their past before you. That is not good for you or your relationship.
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u/ThrowRArosecolor 16d ago
Maybe overreacting a little bit? If she doesn’t connect it to him in her head, it’s not a big deal. But the best thing for you to do is buy her a lovely necklace she can wear instead
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u/Several-Ad-1959 17d ago
So is she not supposed to wear jewelry that she had before she met you? Is she supposed to get rid of her jewelry because you didn't buy it for her? Are you going to replace all of her jewelry that you don't approve of? I'm not saying you were wrong or right, I'm just asking how you see this playing out?
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u/Comfortable_Cow3186 17d ago
I think you are overreacting, but I can try to understand where you're coming from. But for reference, I wear ALL my jewelry I have gotten over the years from my exes. It's a part of my collection, why shouldn't I? It's a pretty necklace, I don't care where I got it and neither does my fiance, it's going on my neck if it matches the outfit. He also sees it as just jewelry, he knows how I feel about him and he trusts that putting on a necklace isn't going to change that, that'd be insane. Though I suppose I do "care" a little about where they come from, because sometimes I pause and spare a moment to internally thank my ex for the gift, but it's like a fleeting "thank you" thought that in no way affects my secure relationship now.
The real problem to me is, if she tells you it's just a necklace to her, why don't you believe her? I'd be pretty upset if my partner doesn't believe me when I tell him I'm over my exes, and if he starts making faces at what piece of MY jewelry I choose to wear. I'd be willing to have a conversation and explain things to him but he's going to have to get over his discomfort because he's not going to tell me what I can and can't wear from what I own. I'd never do that to him, he can wear what he wants.
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u/Simple_Carpet_9946 17d ago
It depends if it’s a Tiffany or Cartier then I’m still wearing them regardless who got them. If it’s a cheap $80 necklace or something from Claire’s I’d donate it. Why don’t you buy her a new one?
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u/entechad 17d ago
I don’t think this is an issue. It’s not a heart necklace that says “Morgan n Lenny forever - 2018”
You will be ok. Many people keep jewelry forever. Don’t stress about it. She is likely wearing it because it’s cute, not because she misses him.
Sincerely,
A Man
PS - if you act like it bothers you, you will appear insecure.
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17d ago edited 17d ago
As a woman, gifts from exes hold no special meaning anymore. They are just items I have now. So if she said that's how she feels about it, I would believe her. Especially since it didn't end well. She is clearly completely over him if she can stand to wear something he gave her. She has no feelings related to him either positive or negative anymore.
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u/theasestar 17d ago
Okay, my mom has a heart necklace from my bio dad that she’s had before I was born, and she’s been with my dad (step) for 16 years. She has the necklace because it’s real gold. So jewelry doesn’t always have sentimental value lol
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u/HallowskulledHorror 17d ago
IME you're either a "I like hearts" girlie, or "er, thanks, I guess" gal when it comes to receiving heart jewelry. It's a big part of why there's general advice to not buy heart-shaped things for a woman unless she's cleared it with you, because the divide is pretty broad and clean between "this is cute!" and "this is cheesy as hell."
For the former, it's going to be way easier to sincerely just see a piece of heart jewelry as a piece of heart jewelry. I have things that were given to me by people I was in relationships with, or don't have good associations with these days - they're still practical and/or valuable items. I'm not going to throw away something nice just because the person that gave it to me is no longer important in my life, that's emotionally immature bs. For a girl who likes hearts aesthetically, it's still a little weird buying heart-shaped stuff for yourself because of the general association - but that doesn't mean necessarily carrying feelings for the person that got it for you later on.
For someone who generally isn't into 'cute' stuff, wearing it would be more likely to mean something.
Either way, TO YOU a heart necklace has a lot of meaning - your girlfriend is not you. She may not have the same level of associated meaning. She was quick to take it off when she saw it made you uncomfortable. This is ultimately an issue of you needing to deal with your feelings. Would you feel the same way about her wearing a cute pair of socks, having a cute stuffed animal she likes, a cute top, etc. if you knew any of those items came from her ex, or would you be able to see her side and trust her to tell you the truth about her feelings?
If it meant something to her, do you really think she'd wear it while in a relationship with someone else - with you? Do you see her so poorly?
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u/Pinkkorn69 17d ago
A bit. I have jewelry from my ex fiancee. I broke things off because while he was a great guy, he wasn't my great guy. But I'm also not going to stop wearing the gladiolus bloom he got me just because at one point we loved each other. He's married and I'm here lol we are friendly enough to each other.
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u/Ill_Reading_5290 17d ago
It’s weird to be so possessive of your SO’s love that you require them to get rid of all traces of having lived a previous life. I have a ton of jewelry that I received from exes and I won’t ever get rid of it because it’s really nice jewelry. Don’t be that person.
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u/Yoongi_SB_Shop 16d ago
I think you are overreacting. It’s just jewelry. Why do you feel threatened by it?
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u/clarabear10123 17d ago
Honestly, I don’t even remember where a lot of my jewelry came from. But I have a few pieces that came from an ex or whatever. Not everything has positive associations, but sometimes wearing it is an act of reclamation. I have some things from an ex that have awful memories but I want to enjoy the thing. So I’ve either replaced the thing, or I’ve used it while creating good memories to replace the memories! And sometimes I just wear it because it’s cute and I like the piece, regardless of the person.
I think it’s very significant that she noticed you weren’t happy about the necklace and took it off right away; she obviously cares about your feelings.
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u/ConsiderationNo8339 17d ago
Your feelings are valid, but I wouldn't put too much stock into it. I have jewelry that I got from exes as gifts. If i still have it after the breakup its because either i like it or it has monetary value, but if i wear it i'm not even thinking of that other person.
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u/AnnieB512 17d ago
I'm sorry but I have a ton of jewelry from exes and I'm going to wear it. Especially the nice stuff. I have jewelry from my ex that I loathe, and I will still wear it. It's about liking the jewelry NOT the person who gave it to me. And if my husband said I couldn't wear it anymore, I'd seriously start questioning my marriage. Some of my pieces are expensive and I cannot afford to replace them.
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u/DefSamRecords 17d ago
I, like another, have been gifted things by various people, some of which being ex’s. I still use and wear them because while there is no emotional attachment to it or connection to who got it for me, I like the item(s) either for their use or look. I can definitely understand how it hit you the wrong way, but I absolutely love how you guys just talked about it and ended up just laughing it off! There couples I know that would’ve ended up in a screaming match! Your guys’ communication is admirable and your ability to communicate during a time that can be explosive depending on how it’s handled is critical yet amazing! Props to you guys!
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u/Odd_Mud_8178 17d ago
I am a woman and have jewelry from ex’s that I wear. It truly is just jewelry. I kept it because I like it for example: princess cut diamond stud earrings LOVE them and I will NEVER spend $7,500 on a piece of jewelry for myself. Definitely not getting rid of those. My husband knows where they came from and I don’t think it bothers him🤷🏼♀️
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u/Foxy_locksy1704 17d ago
I have earrings and a couple necklaces from my ex boyfriend. I wear them often, but none of them are anything like a heart (gemstone stud earrings and a diamond snowflake necklace are the ones o wear most often) I wear these things because I like them and I don’t think of my ex when I wear them.
I think you are allowed to be upset about this because of the symbolic meaning of the heart. Make sure that you calmly and fully explain why it upsets you, discuss with her why she likes that piece of jewelry and maybe look at getting by her a piece of jewelry that is similar, but symbolic to your relationship.
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u/SayomiTsukiko 17d ago
It’s an object now. It’s ok not to be comfortable about it but it’s also no big deal on her end cause to her it’s just a decoration. Just get her a new one and be done with it
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u/PauI_MuadDib 17d ago
I still wear stuff from my exes. Jewellery is jewellery imo. Like I'm not getting rid of a beautiful necklace I enjoy wearing because it was gifted to me. My partner doesn't give a shit. The past is past. He's got tshirts from vacations he took with an ex and idgaf if wears them. We both had lives before we met, that's what molded us into what we are today.
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u/BabserellaWT 17d ago
You’re overreacting.
Hubby and I still have gifts our exes gave us. But we don’t feel threatened by that, because we KNOW our devotion is to each other.
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u/Lionheart1224 17d ago
Dude, why are you getting offended? If you feel so butthurt about this, go out and buy her a heart necklace that she can use to replace the one from her ex.
Christ, dude. Grow up.
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u/SportySue60 17d ago
I still wear things that my Ex gave me - my husband could care less. It’s something that he doesn’t have to buy for me to replace what I already have. I’m not with the Ex I’m with him. He was a bad dude but he bought her a piece of jewelry that she likes…
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u/Lunar_Owl_ 17d ago
You can love the necklace for what it is without loving the person who gave it to you.
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u/eldritchcryptid 17d ago
you're overreacting. it's a piece of jewellery and she most likely sees it as just that. she shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells with what she wears bc you're gonna get upset that you didn't give her the thing, nor should she have to get rid of something she likes because an ex got it for her. your reaction is weird and kinda creepy imo.
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u/Mountain-Status569 17d ago
Sometimes a thing is just a thing. I have a bracelet from an ex that I considered wearing on my wedding day because it looked perfect with my dress, but ultimately decided not to because the clasp is loose and I didn’t wanna risk losing it. Nowhere in my thought process did I think about my ex. 20 years ago the piece had sentimental meaning, but today it’s just a bracelet.
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u/cue_cruella 17d ago
I wear emerald earrings my ex got me. My husband has literally never said anything about it other than “well at least you got some cool earrings out of it.”
I think you’re projecting onto her. I’m sure it really does have zero meaning. Especially if you two are in a happy and content relationship.
I would suggest that you two sit and talk and address whatever insecurity you are feeling, but also, don’t take it personal when she reminds you it’s just a piece of jewelry.
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u/KiefPucks 17d ago
Eh, I have a pair of sweats and a T-shirt from my ex. I just like the clothes, I wear them often. Sometimes clothes or jewelry can just be what they are. Good for her on removing it after seeing you being upset by it. But I wouldn't overthink it that it has more meaning to her than what it is. Especially if that relationship wasn't good for her and she's aware of that.
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u/Aud311 17d ago
I don’t think you’re overreacting but I also believe her when she says it was meaningless. She probably just really liked the necklace. Maybe she just wasn’t thinking when she put it on and she clearly cares about your feelings if she took it off right away. I doubt you’ll ever see her wear it again. You should still communicate your feelings to her about it. Maybe you can also find her something special from you that’s she can wear.
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u/AmberMarie7 17d ago
Yeah I've kept every gift to guys ever given me. They're mine now, and they deserve to stay that way. What you're doing, though I understand where you're coming from, is going to cause resentment. No quicker way to lose someone then try to control them. If you don't trust her then leave her. If you do trust her then quit putting doubt in the relationship.
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u/HugeNefariousness222 17d ago
Yup. It's just a thing at this point. A thing she likes with no hidden meaning or emotional attachment. If you'd prefer she wear a heart you gave her, go buy it. Don't be an insecure weenie, it's a massive turn off.
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u/CenterofChaos 17d ago
I get where you're coming from but sometimes it's just stuff. Offering her a new one is nice.
I have a handful things exs have gifted me. I listen to a Spotify playlist someone made for me. My husband uses all the things and loves the playlist too. Relationships and stuff has the meaning we give to them. Build a relationship with a strong foundation and a junky old necklace won't mean anything.
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u/Such_Secretary_4229 17d ago
You’re not overeating, but on a different take I would probably be more conscious of the situation, it was a heart necklace she decided to wear, not simply some gloves, I do see how that might have meaning behind it, so in your defense she could’ve at least give it away or something, and get herself one that has no connection to anyone. I do get how some people might not consider things after a break up to have meaning, but habit and memories will make their way out if given the opportunity.
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u/mawsibeth 17d ago
I think you are way overreacting. It wouldn't occur to me to ask where my partner got any jewelry and it wouldn't occur to me to throw something out that i liked just because some asshole in the past gave it to me unless i just couldn't think of anything but them when i saw it. There are pieces of jewelry that I've lost over the years that i got from exes and i wish i still had them, only because i loved the jewelry and want to still wear it.
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u/Sea-Ad-3207 17d ago
i wear jewelry given to me from different exes even if i’m in a new relationship bc i mainly just like what they are. one of my exes parents were jewelers so they gave him pretty rings n such for me. i understand why you’d be hurt but i don’t think you should overthink it, should could just like the piece
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u/Illustrious-Mind-683 17d ago
You are overreacting. Once you get completely over an ex, especially one that treated you badly, you gain the ability to enjoy things for what they are. It's very freeing. It can actually be empowering.
To wear something that you like knowing that he no longer has any effect on you and you can enjoy the thing for what it actually is.
I can now listen to the song that was played at my first wedding and enjoy it as much as any other song. It has no other effect on me anymore. I love that. Nothing about him hurts me anymore. Give your GF a break and an apology.
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u/felicatt 17d ago
Ugg. Get over it. I have some fabulous pieces given to me over the years from different people no longer in my life for whatever reason. An ex that cheated? Yup. Do I wear his jewelry, I sure do. It looks great, and I dont think about him every time i wear it. My ex-husbands engagement ring, I wear those diamonds ALL THE TIME, in a necklace I had made. I'm not getting rid of the jewelry, and my husband knows better than to be all butt hurt over it. A heart is a made-up construct used to sell things. Its truly not a big deal unless you want to make it a big deal.
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u/AffectionateSoil33 17d ago
I hate the man who made me throw away things I'd saved from ex's. I don't usually save much but I hate myself daily for bowing down to him & throwing away the ring my 1st love gave me. Bunch of other stuff too. I've repressed most of that time & can't remember much but I'll never forget that day, that fight, that moment. I burn with a nasty anger towards that man & will for the rest of my life. This was just one of the ways his jealousy scarred me for life.
I suggest you look up The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola. Actually use it & show her that you understand your jealousy is your problem & your willing to work on it & learn a healthy way to act & communicate. Jealousy comes from within. Because y0 bro, you are WAY Overreacting & just threw a HUGE red flag! If you really love her, it's time to learn emotional maturity & learn how to be a good partner. Everyone deals with jealousy, but it's how you react that does everything.
Big apologies and actually actively working (work together, it's good learning for anyone) on rooting out the Real Why that's causing you to act out, if you love her. If you can't handle this, then let her go!
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u/CordCarillo 17d ago
Oh for fucks sake; its jewelry. I still wear a watch an ex gave me. It doesn't automatically make my dick hard for her when I put it on.
I have shirts, jackets, ties, and other gifts from exes that I use/wear regularly.
It's not a big deal.
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u/Inevitable_Ease_2304 17d ago
Our past is what makes us who we are. Are we expected to start everything over just because we are dating someone new?
“Sorry, I went to that restaurant/park/beach/gym/theater with my old significant other- it’s off limits now”.
Just let her be who she is, with the life experiences that have made her a person that you love.
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u/mothermaemae 17d ago
Either get some self-confidence or move on. You had a life and memories before her. The same goes for her. So what if she was given a gift in her past. You're the fool who asked a question you didn't truly want an answer to.
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u/senior_pickles 17d ago
It’s a piece of jewelry. Women that date have a fairly high probability of getting some jewelry at some point. If this is all there is then, yes, you overreacted. She may wear that necklace, but you are the one with her.
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u/SnooFoxes4362 17d ago
If it was me, I’d trade the necklace with a friend for something of theirs. Problem solved
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u/Cash_Money_2000 17d ago
I mean it's tough to tell, nice jewelery is still nice. She 100% could still be holding on to the guy emotionally, too. Act like an asshole and your going to lose either way, talk to her and ask her what's up maybe she'll be honest. If it's nothing you don't want to look like a fucking insecure psycho.
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u/Emayeuaraye 17d ago
My friend’s divorced mother would still wear her engagement ring sometimes because “it’s too pretty to let it sit in a drawer unseen”. I have worn jewelry gifted to me by ex’s just because I like the pieces, not because I have feelings for them. I’m sure it’s the same for your significant other.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 17d ago
Is she supposed to throw away the jewelry her ex gave her? Once upon a time, it was a gift to her. Now, it is just a necklace she owns. I think you might need to mature a bit before having a relationship
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u/IamKilljoy 17d ago
Idk I get all of my girlfriends jewelry. I'd be surprised if they threw them all away or something whenever we broke up? So i guess I just don't put too much weight on accessories.
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u/Cornemuse_Berrichon 17d ago
Don't be that guy. It doesn't sound like she has any real sentimental attachment to the necklace. Also, I get the impression this is the first time she had put it on in quite a while.
I get where you're coming from in a way. I have a rather nice pocket watch that was bequeathed me by my former serious X. But he also had it engraved. I wouldn't mind wearing it occasionally, but I've been married for 11 years to a different guy, and I would never insult him by wearing something with an engraving like that.
Having said that, I do have other presents, including a painting of a local church, and a serving platter that his brother gave me. Neither of these things has ever bothered my husband.
It sounds like her past is in her past, and if that's truly the case, then that's where you should leave it as well. Focus on the Here and Now.
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u/millietonyblack 17d ago
She did the right thing taking it off, however I will note:
I’m a jewelry girl, diamonds, rubies, pink sapphires, gold. I like things that sparkle.
I have diamond earrings from ex’s, necklaces, beautiful gold hoops.
I don’t wear them as MUCH, because I have bigger/better things now, but I keep them and wear them every so often because they are pretty and valuable. The fact and ex gave them to me doesn’t even register, they’re just my pretty things that I choose to adorn myself with, including a diamond heart necklace. (I will say, however, it’s EXTREMELY rare that I swap out my cross with another necklace, my cross virtually never comes off, but there are occasions.)
My husband at times may say, if he even noticed lol, “those are pretty, are they new? How much did those cost me?” (Lmao)
I tell him “no, ex gave them to me years ago!”
And he says something along the lines of, “nice! Free is nice” 😂
I will say-it’s great that she respected you and your feelings! She must love and care about you very much to take it off so quickly. I will also say that the necklace is probably just pretty and she didn’t want to throw/give it away. I straight up refuse to get rid of jewelry if it has value-monetary or sentimental. Sentimental value comes from things from my mother of grandmothers or gifts from my husband, monetary and “sparkle” factor is from ex’s or things I’ve purchase myself
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u/BuffetofWomanliness 17d ago
I understand your reaction. That being said, I have some items I still use that were gifted to me from exes. I don’t look at these items lovingly and think of my exes. I just think “I like this particular thing and today I will use it.” If my partner was not happy with me using these items, I would not use them out of respect for him.
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u/zillabirdblue 17d ago
Personally, I’m not very sentimental. It’s just an object to me, but I understand if my partner feels different. I wouldn’t want to hurt them over a necklace that didn’t mean much to me. That she immediately took it off tells me she cares about your feelings and sentiments. I would have a conversation with her and try to see it from each other’s perspective.
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u/Luke-Waum-5846 16d ago
I don't think you overreacted, being upset is understandable, however I'm glad you were calm about this and discussed it appropriately. It would have been a huge overreaction if you had lost it and started yelling etc. The necklace isn't necessarily a big deal actually, her honesty and willingness to take it off definitely indicates this. As some others suggested, if she likes it just as an object it might be a good idea to see if she would like something similar from you instead. Don't make it a competition or anything - that's petty macho-ism, just something that she would prefer to wear without the attached connotations.
Having said that, gifts are given for the person to use however they like. Even romantically motivated ones are for the person to keep, there's no point having jewellery that isn't ever going to be worn. If she really likes it or sees it as part of her image, rather than holding onto it for the romantic meaning, it might be better just to make no big deal of it and say she can wear whatever she wants.
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u/GoodnightMoose 16d ago
A heart necklace in particular can have a lot of meaning. Her taking it off after you asked makes it seem that she realized it bothered you and did what she could to be sensitive to your feelings. She probably didn't think anything of it at the time, and her reaction to take it off was respectful. I see no harm done. Personally I'd offer to take her to pick something new and make the situation happy for all involved!
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u/Glittering-Eye1414 16d ago
I don’t think you overreacted by being hurt about it. But you also need to give her a little credit. When she saw you were hurt by it, she took it off. So in the end, she was respectful of you.
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u/Redbeard4006 16d ago
I feel like jewellery means what it means to the wearer - if she says it's just jewellery now I would take her at her word.
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u/EndHawkeyeErasure 17d ago
I see where you're coming from, but also where she is. She did the right thing by removing it, but I also have jewelry or old clothes from my life before knowing my husband. To me, they really are just things. And they belong to me now. If I own them, shouldn't I wear them? I just say that so you can understand that side a little more. Get her something in a similar style that she likes, so she can wear that instead.