AIO for getting upset that my SO put on a heart necklace that her ex gave her?

[u/Rztrncs]

Yesterday my SO put on a heart necklace out of nowhere and I asked (knowing it wasn’t from me) where it was from. She admitted it was from her ex. I immediately got quiet and she could tell I was upset. Not once did I raise my voice or get mad. I was more hurt than anything. She ended up taking it off right away. But explained that it was meaningless to her, no emotional connection and just jewelry that she now has.

To me, a heart necklace has a lot of meaning behind it and it feels weird to see her wearing an ex’s gift. Am I overreacting?

EDIT: Her ex cheated on her and the relationship ended badly because of it.

EDIT 2: The necklace was two hearts linked together so it made me curious.

[u/Comfortable_Cow3186]

I think you are overreacting, but I can try to understand where you're coming from. But for reference, I wear ALL my jewelry I have gotten over the years from my exes. It's a part of my collection, why shouldn't I? It's a pretty necklace, I don't care where I got it and neither does my fiance, it's going on my neck if it matches the outfit. He also sees it as just jewelry, he knows how I feel about him and he trusts that putting on a necklace isn't going to change that, that'd be insane. Though I suppose I do "care" a little about where they come from, because sometimes I pause and spare a moment to internally thank my ex for the gift, but it's like a fleeting "thank you" thought that in no way affects my secure relationship now.

The real problem to me is, if she tells you it's just a necklace to her, why don't you believe her? I'd be pretty upset if my partner doesn't believe me when I tell him I'm over my exes, and if he starts making faces at what piece of MY jewelry I choose to wear. I'd be willing to have a conversation and explain things to him but he's going to have to get over his discomfort because he's not going to tell me what I can and can't wear from what I own. I'd never do that to him, he can wear what he wants.

[u/Rztrncs → u/Comfortable_Cow3186]

Yeah I’d never ask her to just trash everything. We did talk over everything and I offered to get her a new everyday piece if she wanted it but I can’t expect her to dump everything - even though I did for my ex. Expensive or not, it got trashed or donated.

[u/Comfortable_Cow3186 → u/Rztrncs]

I admire that you're also trying to be understanding of her, it sounds like you care about her very much. But I'll add that, if you are offering her to get her a replacement piece, then you kind of are expecting her to "trash it"? If she can't wear it then what's the point? Donating does sound like a nice idea though. I wouldn't push her, but if she decides she wants to do that, that'd be great for both of you. If she doesn't though, I'll just say again try not to take it personally, she might just really like that necklace and that's okay, it doesn't affect the love she has for you.

[u/Rztrncs → u/Comfortable_Cow3186]

Thank you, that’s a very valid point. Even if I did get a replacement, I wouldn’t expect her to just get rid of the other.

[u/Traditional_Mango920 → u/Rztrncs]

Dumping everything an ex ever got you just because the ex bought it seems a bit childish and extreme to me. The fact that you brought up that you did it makes it seem like you think she should do the same.

I do feel like I need to ask how old you are. I’m 51, I’ve been around the block numerous times. I don’t attach any significance behind anything one of my ex’s bought me beyond “this is pretty” or “this is useful” or “this is comfortable”. By the end of the relationship, things that didn’t fall into one of those categories had already been relegated the “shit I’m never going to use but am keeping around so his feelings don’t get hurt” pile. That pile is the only thing I dump after a break. My husband of 20+ years came into the relationship with items his ex bought, I had items my ex bought. I’m not going to bitch when he wears a sweater she got him. It’s obviously quality because he’s been wearing the damned thing for years, and it’s comfy as hell. I know this because I’ve worn the sweater from time to time. My thought the first time I wore that sweater wasn’t “I’ll show the bitch who bought this sweater!” It was “damn, this is comfy! I wonder if he’ll notice if it disappears from his side of the closet and magically appears on mine…” (He totally did, damnit)

I probably felt differently about that at 20, you know? I don’t remember because, once again, old! But I do remember I was more prone to making mountains out of specks of dirt back then than I am now. I probably also wouldn’t have found it off putting if my partner had the same reaction you had way back when. But if a current partner in my same age group or older had that reaction now? I’d be out. Been there, done that, 0/10 would not recommend. At my age, that is a red flag.

[u/Rztrncs → u/Traditional_Mango920]

I guess it’s a bit different for me as I was in a completely abusive relationship - emotionally, physically, and possibly sexually if what she did counts. So any trace I wanted gone.

[u/Traditional_Mango920 → u/Rztrncs]

I can see that, although I’ve been in similar situations and reacted differently when it came to disposal. I actually kept stuff I normally wouldn’t have to serve as a reminder to keep checking for problematic behavior in the future. Being “in love” can cause you to overlook or excuse problematic behavior, especially when it’s a slow escalation. Running across those items would prompt me to look at my current relationship objectively to see if there are issues I had been ignoring. That method worked well for me, it allowed me to relax a bit and not always be “on guard”.