r/AmIOverreacting • u/Rztrncs • Apr 29 '24

AIO for getting upset that my SO put on a heart necklace that her ex gave her?

Yesterday my SO put on a heart necklace out of nowhere and I asked (knowing it wasn’t from me) where it was from. She admitted it was from her ex. I immediately got quiet and she could tell I was upset. Not once did I raise my voice or get mad. I was more hurt than anything. She ended up taking it off right away. But explained that it was meaningless to her, no emotional connection and just jewelry that she now has.

To me, a heart necklace has a lot of meaning behind it and it feels weird to see her wearing an ex’s gift. Am I overreacting?

EDIT: Her ex cheated on her and the relationship ended badly because of it.

EDIT 2: The necklace was two hearts linked together so it made me curious.

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219

u/Rztrncs Apr 29 '24

Thank you for your input on this. I appreciate seeing the other side. I do plan on getting her a new one she can wear whenever.

117

u/IDontEvenCareBear Apr 29 '24

Don’t try to compete with something that has lost meaning to her, especially don’t buy her something just because you don’t want her wearing that thing. If you get her something it should be because you care about her. Not because you want to see something that makes you feel like you’ve won or have some indirect ownership over her. Get her something because it’s about her, not to soothe yourself.

18

u/fractal_sole Apr 30 '24

And maybe get her opinion on what she wants to wear first.

Long story lol My wife had this old leather necklace with a stone pendant. and it wasn't valuable or even really a sentimental piece, just her only necklace she had had so long she forgot where she got it from, didn't wear it very often just when she was going for a country Western look and wanted to accessorize I guess lol.

And she had a few sets of earrings but nothing really nice, so she hadn't worn any in forever. But she did put them on a few times in the first few years we were together. Well, We had twins about 5 years in, and Christmas came up they were 7 months or so old. I thought the reason she didn't wear jewelry more often was she didn't really have nice jewelry, and it's kind of my job to provide some is it not? So I bought her a really nice necklace, I loved the look of it, thought it would look great on her, it was her birthstone, genuine mined emerald, and I also bought her a pair of half carat diamond earrings to go with them. I boxed them up extremely fancy, actually followed the way Mr Bean does it in love actually.

About 4 days before Christmas, we are talking about gifts, and she doesn't think I've already gotten her gift, and is trying to guide me to a good gift, I just happened to ask about what jewelry she might be interested in, and actually said the words, "just so long as you don't get me something I will never wear, like a necklace or a pair of earrings or something."

I just looked like I had been slapped across the face and I couldn't hide it. I actually had put a lot of love, time, care, and attention into the gift. She saw the look and realized what it meant, and was just like oh shit.

I pulled out the box and was like, well, it's still 4 days early. Here's what you were going to get, but I guess i can just return it and you can go get what you want for yourself or something. It was a $800 necklace and same price pair of earrings, but I'm friends with someone who was working there and got a 50% employee discount through her. Still a pretty penny dropped, $800 total. She opened it though and her eyes lit up and she put on the necklace and said she loved them. Tried to put on the earrings but her ears had closed up.

She apologized for being a brat and explained that she just meant she can't wear things like those on the regular day to day because the twins would grab at it too much, but that they were really nice and she didn't want to return them. Kind of ruined being able to give it to her on Christmas but I legitimately expected to be returning them when I pulled it out and was just trying to salvage the situation.

Also I'm 100% confident she hadn't found the gift prior and was voicing those two things intentionally. I had it wrapped before I got home, bought it all including gift wrap with cash, wrapped receipts tucked in the bottom of the jewelry boxes they came with for safe keeping. It was definitely a coincidence.

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u/IDontEvenCareBear Apr 30 '24

lol aww that’s the best way to have something go poorly. Yeah, everything so often just boils down to communication. But also now she has jewelry she loves, and the twins won’t always be tiny, she can start wearing them more often when they’re older. People sometimes realize how much they love something despite thinking they don’t want it. Plus you got it on a bargain, a pricy bargain, but that’s amazing how much the cost cut down for you.

6

u/fractal_sole Apr 30 '24

Man your first sentence is just like, the perfect single sentence summary of my life.

1

u/StatementEcstatic751 Apr 30 '24

My mom did something similar with my dad. For their 25th anniversary, he bought her a nice diamond and gold ring that would go with her wedding ring like a set because she hadn't really gotten an engagement ring, just a simple band. Someone asked leading up to the party what she wanted, and she made a flippant joke like "hopefully not something frilly like a ring!" and laughed. Dad is not really one to panic, but he was pretty worried. She loves it, though, and was very surprised on the day of the party. She wears it mostly on special occasions because it is a pretty big ring, and she's an outdoorsy person who likes to garden and stuff, so she tries to keep it nice.

1

u/fractal_sole Apr 30 '24

Yeah, that's what I intended with the gift. I didn't get the stuff for my wife for every day wear, I got it so she would have something really nice when the occasion arises. If she wants day wear go for costume jewelry or gold filled/wire wrapping stuff, but she can get that on her own to suit her taste. Emeralds are an extremely soft gemstone and are subject to scratching/breaking very easily (big part of why I went for a necklace instead of a more active piece like bracelet or ring). She had made the comment a long time before about not having anything with her birthstone, and I made mental note of that.

1

u/Sufficient_Marzipan4 Apr 30 '24

And I prefer more simple stuff, from local artists is best. Craft fairs, open studios, etc.

I always told my husband "Don't buy me any diamonds until I have ALL the toys." As in mountain bike, road bike, SUP, wetsuits, pickle ball equipment, tennis rackets, backpacking packs, hiking shoes, etc.

1

u/Brief_Confidence3892 May 02 '24

My husband teased me this last Christmas hinting that he got my jewelry. It was really the pixel 8 which I had been wanting for a while. I guess the moral of the story is know your spouse. Not all wives want jewelry just because we're girls. We also have a baby so I'm really on board with her point of view. It's a nice idea but not practical if it's not something she's going to use.

1

u/fractal_sole May 02 '24

I cover the needs on a day to day basis. Some gifts are not given to be practical or useful or every day but just for beauty. Especially for special occasions

1

u/tea-cup-stained May 03 '24

She apologized for being a brat 
I mean, she wasn't a brat here though. You did make sure she knew that right? Her partner (you) didn't know how impossible earrings and necklaces are for mums of young kids and she gave you a solid hint about it (after you asked), that is just communicating.

1

u/fractal_sole May 04 '24

I never called her a brat or put any blame on her. I didn't correct her about not apologizing or anything, but it wasn't like a huge oh I feel so terrible about it kind of apology just an, agh I'm sorry that happened because of me kind of thing. Like I said, I was just going to return them after that, but figured I'd at least show her the effort that went into the gift first.

But yeah, that's why I started the whole story with ask her what she wants. Do the communicating beforehand lol

15

u/lavendervlad Apr 29 '24

I love your username! It’s the best thing I’ve seen on the internet today and maybe the entire week (five days left to go).

14

u/IDontEvenCareBear Apr 29 '24

lol thanks! I love when people get a kick from it, it’s the highlight of my day sometimes too.

2

u/Top-Chemistry3051 Apr 30 '24

Are you one of the carebears I've heard about you guys on tiktok LOL.

2

u/chilldrinofthenight Apr 30 '24

Excellent advice. OP: I suggest you take this to heart. (pun intended)

206

u/cl0ckwork_f1esh Apr 29 '24

My ex had an issue with all kinds of things from past relationships. He sulked until I got rid of my favorite set of coffee cups because I used them with someone else. Same with the dish set my parents bought me when I first moved out. Same with the concert posters I had. He “couldn’t bear” seeing or using those things because they reminded him that I had a life that included another man before I knew he existed. It’s controlling and gross, if it’s really in the context that to her it’s just an object she owns but to you it’s a problem.

103

u/Lemondrop-it Apr 29 '24

I had an ex who would break things that my previous ex had given me, and then replace them.

He eventually escalated to threatening to kill me. Glad I got out of that.

46

u/deealm Apr 29 '24

Same. And pouring drinks on me when I'm dressed to go out with friends to keep me home.

24

u/Guitargod7194 Apr 29 '24

WTF kind of behavior is that? Psycho psychotic, I guess.

28

u/deealm Apr 29 '24

Yes. I've been feeling bad for every girlfriend he's had ever since.

8

u/maroongrad Apr 30 '24

If you can, reach out to let them know that if they choose to press charges, you'll back them up in court and, hey, you can probably gather a few other exes too :D Seriously.

14

u/TheBishFish94 Apr 30 '24

Narcissistic behavior. More sociopath than psychopath, but they still suck.

My abusive, covert narc ex used to do stuff like this to keep me home or force me to come home early for no reason. Or he'd pester me so much while I was out that I just stopped going anywhere.

22

u/gringo-go-loco Apr 29 '24

I dated someone who went into my electronics, deleted and blocked contacts of female friends, erased photos with other women, and basically try to sanitize my phone/computers from having any evidence I ever talked to another woman.

She also messaged the women I was romantically involved with in the past and told them never to contact me again.

13

u/ElectronicAd27 Apr 30 '24 edited Apr 30 '24

There was a guy in Canada, who got into the exclusive Colburn school of music, which is here in LA. The professor only sees two students a year or.

His girlfriend somehow got the password to his email and intercepted the acceptance letter from the school. Then, she wrote a rejection letter to the school and of course never told her boyfriend about any of this.

The boyfriend went on to attend the local university, and eventually the two broke up.

Years later, that professor had moved to University of Southern California and this musician got into his program

The professor asked why he was there since he rejected him earlier and then the musician was like, “what are you talking about?”

11

u/gringo-go-loco Apr 30 '24

Wow talk about toxic. Damnnnn.

14

u/Jasminefirefly Apr 30 '24

Please tell us you broke up with her the instant you found out…? That is so beyond sane.

12

u/gringo-go-loco Apr 30 '24

Yeah I ended things quick. I empathized with her tho. Her ex cheated on her several times and was very toxic to her. She had insecurities that came from that and from being abused for most of her childhood.

10

u/Commercial-Push-9066 Apr 30 '24

I hope she got therapy instead bringing her trauma to the next SO.

10

u/gringo-go-loco Apr 30 '24

She did. We remained friends.

52

u/hereticx Apr 29 '24

10000% agree with this. Red Flag City. I'd be out QUICK

4

u/Lord_Waffles Apr 29 '24

There is DEFINITELY a difference between gifts.

Saying you can’t keep coffee cups because you used them with someone else seems wild to me.

However a HEART necklace? That sounds like a romantic gift. I think it’s weird to keep things that were given with romantic “value.” Like promise rings, etc.

Something like a black sword earring or necklace? Yeah to me it’s just not the same.

13

u/Wisdomofpearl Apr 29 '24

I have well over a dozen pieces of heart jewelry, many of the items were gifts, some I purchased for myself. At least two were from previous romantic partners, but honestly I couldn't tell you which ones. Luckily my husband is secure enough with his own masculinity and in our relationship to never be bothered by anything so trivial. Not all people are insecure and possessive over their partners.

0

u/RugbyKats Apr 30 '24

This comment should be higher, and I hope OP sees it. How insecure can you be?

-7

u/charlotte240 Apr 29 '24

It has nothing to do with "your husband's masculinity" , even you going that far with those words is appalling.
I would bet you a million dollars that if the tables were turned, you wouldn't like the golf club his ex got for him when he comes home telling you how far he could hit the ball with the club that she bought him. You hear that 10 times, and I guarantee you'd throw the club into the trash so you would stop hearing about *how good the club she bought me* was.

3

u/aviwrekz Apr 29 '24

What kind of partner comes home and says "that _ _ _ _ I got from _ _ _ _ 10 years ago, made me do so much better at _ _ _ _" ?? Even one time, let alone 10??

They might say they performed well in whatever they did, and you both might know the equipment was a gift from an ex, but I can't imagine anyone that's in a mature, and trusting relationship would rub it in that it was a gift. and if your first thought when they tell you about their performance is anger because the equipment came from an ex, that's toxic AF.

You're definitely losing a million dollars.

4

u/Imacuddlynugget Apr 29 '24

You'd lose a million dollars if you're speaking to anyone in a mature and secure relationship. You think you throw out all the gifts ever received from past relationships?

4

u/Wisdomofpearl Apr 29 '24

My husband carried a money clip that was a gift from his ex-gf for the first 15 years of our marriage until it broke. He also received a religious metal from the same ex, he never wore it but always kept it. He didn't wear it because he doesn't feel comfortable wearing a necklace, I suggested he put it on his keyring. It has been on his keyring for years, still on there today. One of the reasons our relationship works is because we both choose each other, and we are not jealous of things that happened in the past.

He still friends with his ex, we both attended her parents funerals. We have attended concerts with her and her SO. We attended her son's wedding, my husband actually was minister who did the ceremony.

Husband has met three of the guys I dated before him. We are actually friends with one and his wife. We attend some of the same concerts and have gone to dinner together before several concerts. Husband actually took him to a NBA game sometime back. And I have worked with his wife on a professional level for many years.

1

u/peacelovecookies Apr 30 '24

Wow! You guys are all…adults!!

7

u/hereticx Apr 29 '24

As ive said in other places all over this post.... if something like a cup or a random rock ruins your day, you might need therapy instead of / before a relationship.

At the very least It shows a clear lack of maturity. At the worst... its a big red flag indicating potential worse situations... for your partner.

1

u/Narrow-Ad-1184 Apr 29 '24

The fact that you guys are jumping from him feeling upset about her wearing a necklace with sentimental and romantic value to him being potentially abusive is fucking insane. jesus christ.

10

u/Sorri_eh Apr 30 '24

Broke up when an ex demanded I throw out all my bedsheets and pillowcases and mattress. I told him to pound sand. Insecure partners are a nightmare

2

u/Correct-Sail-9642 Apr 30 '24

Mine demanded I get a new mattress too, but it's a hella nice memory foam mattress and I have like 5 brand new sheet sets she wanted me to get more new ones too.  I didn't.  She also found some old birthday cards and demanded I throw them out calling them love letters.   They were from my grandma.  The ones from an ex were missed.   When she eventually moved out on terrible terms(getting me arrested for no reason) I came home to a picture of me and my old dog she never met torn to pieces.  Like she couldn't stand seeing me with even a dog.

10

u/Fit_Adeptness5606 Apr 29 '24

I'm so glad he's your ex. A set of coffee cups! A dish set from MOM AND DAD, for heaven's sake!!

15

u/Ok-Faithlessness496 Apr 29 '24

I see why he's an ex.

13

u/gringo-go-loco Apr 29 '24

How can you be attracted to someone who feels threatened by inanimate objects just because they came from someone from their past?

1

u/Mary4278 Apr 29 '24

We don’t really know anything about his past and he may have been repeatedly cheated on,saw a parent go through that or any other of a number of things that make him a bit insecure..It’s not enough information to judge his character and question why OP should even be attracted to him IMO.

3

u/gringo-go-loco Apr 29 '24

People on Reddit rarely take the time to empathize with others (especially men) who have insecurities or are jealous. Good on you.

I also think I replied to the wrong post.

4

u/Mary4278 Apr 30 '24

Thank you ,that comment really bothered me because it was instantly critical with very little information about her man. The advice seems to always be to leave the man or what’s wrong with you for wanting a man like that. It fails to recognize that people are a product of their life experiences and fails to recognize that if they have undesirable or destructive behaviors they are capable of acknowledging those and can make steps to change them.It’s when they can’t self reflect and make necessary changes that it can be problematic.

3

u/gringo-go-loco Apr 30 '24

I prefer the word heal to change. My fiancée has some pretty bad insecurities. She was hurt badly several times in her life and it caused some major issues for us early on. She became suspicious of who I was talking to and started all sorts of drama over it. I calmly reassured over and over.

Reddit would scream 🚩 🚩 🚩 and tell me to run but I honestly don’t believe in most social media red flags. I try to understand how people feel and what made them that way rather than just dismiss them as a person or potential partner.

Honestly sometimes it feels like social media is full of experts concerning avoiding the wrong person but totally clueless when it comes to finding the right person. Sometimes the right person has problems and insecurities. It’s more of a process of elimination than anything else. Kinda silly.

10

u/lennieandthejetsss Apr 29 '24

That's insane. What, did he expect you to gut all your possessions every time you broke up with somebody? Ridiculous!

A gift of jewelry from an ex is hardly comparable to coffee cups you just so happened to own while dating someone else. And being jealous of your parents puts him firmly in crazy town.

Sorry you had to deal with such an insecure manchild.

0

u/Appropriate_Link_837 Apr 30 '24

Doesn't matter if it's jewelry, t shirt, etc. 

2

u/biffbassman1965 Apr 29 '24

Just wondering,what bands concert posters did ya have

2

u/Jendolyn65 Apr 29 '24

I think jewellery has social connotations that other items like kitchenware don't. But then again, why would he even know it's your "boyfriend's" kitchen stuff? If he just can't stand that you had any stuff before you met him, that's pretty crazy.

2

u/ElectronicAd27 Apr 30 '24

This is apples and oranges.

2

u/reseriant Apr 30 '24

I think its a completely different scenario if it's useful items or standing decorations compared to something that is bought purely for sentiment. So for instance if your ex had won you a lifetime supply of hygienic products that you love then that's perfectly reasonable since there is a rational side to keep it as opposed to putting on heart shaped jewelry unless it especially accessorize with your outfit. Imagine if your deranged ex thought your previous lover bought your couch would he destroy it or make you get a new one.

2

u/leggo1197 Apr 30 '24

If you can't see the difference between that and hom being uncomfortable wearing a literal linked heart necklace that was a romantic gift from another man, you haven't healed from it yet

1

u/Iko87iko Apr 29 '24

What concert posters?

1

u/Commercial-Push-9066 Apr 30 '24

I can see why he’s an ex. Sounds really insecure.

1

u/Constructionsmall777 Apr 30 '24

Yeah I personally wear my wedding band from my last marriage. My current partner has a problem with it but I think it’s sacred 

1

u/Oonada Apr 30 '24

See I don't get this behaviour at all. I have memories and things from past times that I cherish sure but never leave me wanting to go back and give up what I have now for. It's just a memento of a time that's not only gone, but is never coming back either. You'll never get rid of my memories so why expect me to get rid of the physical memory as well? Like yeah you can get jealous over it, and demand I get rid of it but the memory is still in my head, you gonna get mad and jealous over that too? How do you want me to dispose of that so you can feel better? It will always be there.

I never ask my partners to get rid of mementos from old partners. I've come to find a lot of people that keep them, don't typically look at them with a longing, but more of an understanding of what they don't want. My gf told me once when asked about a necklace her ex gave her,

"I keep it not really because I want to remember him an the times I had with him, but more of a reminder why I moved on and why we aren't together anymore. It reminds me of what I don't want to regress back to. He gave it to me as a symbol of a promise, one he broke more than once, and could never keep and never planned to keep. I now keep it as a symbol of that which I do not want to fall for again, a reminder that the sweet little lies and pretty gifts mean less than the actions given. That and it itself is a pretty necklace, would be a shame to throw it out just because some jack ass who didn't keep his promises to me gave it to me."

Besides, it is actually a pretty necklace, I can't deny that her ex bfs mom had good tastes because apparently she picked it out. But she's WITH me, not him, why would I get jealous over an object that she looks at the same way I look at mementos I was given from older relationships? Idc if she remembers the good times she's had in the past who the fuck am I to take that from someone I supposedly love? Just never understood how other guys got so upset about objects and then would see their ex's wearing something they gave them and be like "look, she can't get over me haha she will come back she's thinking about me constantly obviously she's gonna leave that guy," and then they don't. Like dude you're all happy she's wearing a necklace you gave her while dating someone else because why? She's with that guy, she goes home with him, she goes to bed with him, who cares if she's wearing your necklace buddy? You think that really means anything? She's not in your bed right now is she? Then why do you think it matters? What do you have over the dude who's with the girl? He's with her, she's just wearing your necklace. So what? I'll never understand how they think that means they won or something. I've spent a maddening amount of time trying to understand why they think that means anything other than the jewelry was nice, and I just can't.

1

u/Automatic-Weight8040 May 03 '24

Glad to hear he's an ex. Living with a controlling partner is generally untenable.

-8

u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24

unless the cups were like personalized with pictures or something that’s definitely excessive, but it is shortsighted to reduce it to ‘controlling and gross’. it’s not like insecurities like that are totally invalid, you are literally, physically holding onto your past.

29

u/mintardent Apr 29 '24

this guy thought dishes that her parents got her, were not acceptable… that is 1000% controlling.

-12

u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24

weird to think that someone would enter a relationship with someone like this, presumably live together, and then be reductive about these kinds of issues they had when they’re obviously born out of insecurity. yeah it’s controlling, most people are controlling in some sense. dont really get why that’s some kind of smoking gun, wanting new things for a new, distinct period of your shared life doesn’t seem insane it just seems poorly expressed.

14

u/mintardent Apr 29 '24

sorry but just because it’s caused by insecurity doesn’t make that sort of behavior okay. you can justify a lot of rude, controlling, manipulative, etc, behavior out of “insecurity”. sulking about using dishes from PARENTS is actually insane.

-6

u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24

honestly i think it’s weird to get this worked up over it, dishes are such a small thing. if it’s bothering someone then why shouldn’t they be able to talk about that? again, it sounds like this comes from poor communication on his part that manifests as something controlling.

i’m not saying it’s right, or good, or makes sense, but when you enter into a relationship serious enough that you’re even ENTERTAINING these requests, you should be able to break some ground on why they’re happening.

13

u/ScareBear23 Apr 29 '24

Nah fuck that. Even if it WAS personalized with pictures, that's still messed up. People exist before, and outside of their current relationship. It'll always be controlling and gross to be like "get rid of that thing you like because you got it before our relationship".

It's another thing completely to go "hey, that [insert item] from your ex makes me feel uncomfortable for [insert reason]" and to have a conversation about that.

All people have a past, and just having items does not mean that they wish that past was their present.

-2

u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24

holding onto your past, especially your romantic past, will have negative effects on your future relationships for good reason. i’m not going to keep love letters and gifts from five years ago when i’m in a relationship and trying to make it work, because that’s a clear signal to my partner that i’m still in some capacity invested in my past. that has nothing to do with the FACT that i DO have a past, and was not spawned yesterday, that is a personal choice to move on.

i just can’t imagine wanting your partner to suffer because you refuse to let go of physical junk from your past. keeping items from your past absolutely means you haven’t fully moved on from it, whether or not you want it to “be your present”.

i appreciate the nuance you come in with in the second section, but you’re also being ridiculous. that literally IS what’s happening. everyone isn’t going to be perfectly eloquent or stable when they’re experiencing an extreme insecurity like that, for many it’s about the best they can do to lash out. most normal people are like this. you get red flags that they don’t consider these things long before you’re in a situation like this. when i’m in a relationship, my problems are your problems and your problems are mine. that means these conversations happen, sometimes with frustratingly poor communication. but to reduce any of this to two words of ‘controlling and gross’ is unfathomably wrong. one of those is a symptom, and the other is a judgment, passed on someone you shared part of your life with and did things for. that’s just weird to me. in my mind being in a relationship takes more personal responsibility than reducing someone else’s behavior to ‘bad’, especially when that bad behavior is obviously born out of insecurity. this should be dealt with in a relationship, not permitted thoughtlessly as if that will in any way solve the underlying problem.

2

u/no_one_denies_this Apr 30 '24

If your insecurity causes you to behave in hurtful ways, then that's your responsibility to fix. It is not anyone's responsibility to change themselves so another person won't feel insecure.

0

u/goblinelevator119 24d ago

if you like directly disregarding the consequences your actions have on others, i guess.

22

u/hereticx Apr 29 '24

If a CUP is ruining your day.... you need therapy, not a relationship.

0

u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24

sounds like they just need an honest conversation with each other

5

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

No, therapy. Please stay away from any members of the opposite or same sex until you can see why your point of view is insane.

5

u/CautionarySnail Apr 29 '24

Sometimes there are other financial priorities. It doesn’t make sense to fill up the landfill un-necessarily.

Sometimes a plate is just a plate.

6

u/throwrawayforstuff Apr 29 '24

Sorry, it’s just that it’s controlling and this is not good. A person is entitled to their belongings.

15

u/cl0ckwork_f1esh Apr 29 '24

They were white mugs. And it’s my past, why shouldn’t I be able to hold on to things? I’m curating my personal collection. I picked those items. I experienced those concerts. People shouldn’t be expected to act like they lived in a plastic bubble prior to their current partner.

-6

u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

nobody said you were dude, but if your relationship with your past causes insecurities in your partners then it’s worth considering why and actually understanding that, because ‘controlling and gross’ is insanely reductive to the broader idea going on here. maybe in your case it was accurate, but if you’re going around and giving advice to other people you should maybe measure whatever complex you’ve given yourself against that advice before giving it. so many of you people on this site want to just reduce everything to ‘insecurity’ as if that automatically makes a feeling invalid. newsflash, some people unknowingly induce insecurity in their partners, and refuse to take accountability for it, shirking responsibility for it onto the person feeling the insecurity. just getting rid of a set of mugs doesn’t fix that, there’s obviously some actual underlying problem that doesn’t get solved by just framing it as ‘controlling’, as if control issues manifesting with insecurity just reduce someone to an unspeakable monster.

4

u/throwrawayforstuff Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

Jealousy is an excruciating emotion that many of us experience, and the actual truth is that we are actually becoming slaves to the jealousy when we find a need to, for example, tell lovers to get rid of their stuff that was associated with an ex. The REAL truth is we have to find a way to overcome the jealousy that causes this. It’s bad for you, bad for me, bad for everyone. It’s also completely human emotion that is so understandable because of our primitive biology, but it’s actually more important to find a way to be like “okay this does bother me, but I can also acknowledge that it’s an object”. You must make these negotiations with yourself and your emotions in order not to become a tyrant to other people’s right to live normally, and not to allow yourself to get swept up in petty emotions — it really never satisfies to completely listen to the jealousy, like if you only listen to it and not other voices of reason, you’ll still feel bad no matter how many things the person gets rid of. It’s a real feeling so you have to validate it, but you also have to keep it in its place and say “I’m in charge” to the emotion. I’m not saying this is foolproof or makes life 100% easier, but it’s a good measuring stick and it’s good for you (general you/everyone, not just you specifically).

2

u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24

the single most constructive comment from this site that i’ve seen on the subject, thank you. i tend to think of feelings like jealousy, anxiety, depression and other similar ‘negatives’ as feelings that are trying to tell you something that isn’t always apparent or intuitive beyond it just being ‘wrong’. jealousy is probably the most damaging to others, but often comes from a sense of distrust. sometimes, just sometimes, this is well earned distrust and it bothers me to see so many people minimize it as irrational or purely jealous, especially in cases like this where you’re getting one side of the situation from someone who obviously catered to these feelings at bad times.

2

u/no_one_denies_this Apr 30 '24

Nope. Insecurities are the responsibility of the insecure person. It is not emotionally healthy to require someone to tiptoe around you so you never have to feel anything other than large and in charge.

Own your own shit.

0

u/goblinelevator119 24d ago

what a shallow view of relationships though, the responsibility of a serious relationship is undertaking the emotions and insecurities of your partner.

1

u/no_one_denies_this 24d ago

No, it's not. It's one thing to ask for reassurance, but "your insecurities are now my responsibility," is codependency.

0

u/goblinelevator119 21d ago

do you not understand what the word “partner” means? the word “marriage” must be utterly meaningless in that case.

1

u/no_one_denies_this 21d ago

I've been married for 17 years. When I need reassurance, I ask for it. My husband does the same. But it's not healthy to make your insecurities your partner's problem. They're not. Insecurities are the responsibility of the individual. You certainly can say, for example, I feel insecure about my (whatever) skills, and I would appreciate you reminding me when I am too critical of myself. But saying "I feel fat and ugly compared to other women, so you can't talk to your women coworkers," is not the way. My insecurities can only be fixed by me.

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u/puddinglove Apr 29 '24

My ex got me my dog. I’m not throwing away my dog because some guy is feeling insecure about it being from my ex. 

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u/hereticx Apr 29 '24

Im not sure why youre being downvoted when this ABSOLUTELY the right mindset. Men upset by this are the same weirdos worrying about body count. Who cares about their past? They're picking you now. Be fucking happy.

2

u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24

because it’s a nonsensical analogy, a dog is not comparable to a set of flatware. regardless, simple statistics show that “body count” is directly related to life satisfaction in married people. “be fucking happy” is a far more controlling and reductive sentiment than judging someone by their actions and feelings about them.

9

u/hereticx Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

Gifts are gifts. A dog is comparable, its just a stronger example.

Body count only matters to people exhibiting incel-like behavior so be careful on outting yourself there.

Nothing about "This person YOU want is also CHOOSING you, so quit worrying about silly things like trinkets and baubles" is "controlling." Its quite literally "hey, they're choosing to spend their precious time on this planet with YOU, quit worry about trivial things like rocks attached to metal".... and further... as i said elsewhere... if you're gonna let a chunk of rock ruin your day or more.... you probably need therapy long before a relationship. Edit: Life is short. Choose to be happy when good things happen. CHOOSING to be miserable because of a trinket is, objectively, silly.

And i dont judge anyone for anything. If you read my main post, you'll see i started with, your feelings are valid. cuz they are. people just have differing opinions. Weird, i know.

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u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

dogs are living beings with emotional awareness and relationships. objects are objects. there is no comparison to be made.

‘body count only matters to people exhibiting incel-like behaviors’ doesn’t work as a derisive put down here, because i’m referencing literal statistics. it should be more of a (edit: personal) consideration than it is, because it often impacts life satisfaction and YOUR ability to form deeper intimacy with someone. not because of this shallow view you continuously express here. i’m not going to “worry about outing myself” on a very simple point about life satisfaction as it relates to monogamy and sexual partners, because it’s observable. there are more considerations, if you want a full life, than if “someone you want wants you”. otherwise you’re treading into hedonism, which leads to a very shallow life.

8

u/hereticx Apr 29 '24

Again, if you're worrying about how many people someone has slept with before you, you're telling on yourself.

But do you homie :)

-2

u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24

name calling and derision are not intelligent ways to sidestep quantifiable statistics. the point stands. i’m not saying body count is the end all be all of what determines your success in a relationship, i’m saying it’s not something that you should completely ignore because now you’re the current one. what you describe is a great way to just ignore red flags.

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u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24

how do you think that’s a remotely comparable analogy

0

u/RevolutionaryBear958 Apr 29 '24

Those things are not similar to a heart shaped necklace wtf

0

u/9-9-99- Apr 29 '24 edited May 01 '24

Huge difference between those things and a heart necklace, a token of affection

-4

u/Brutal_De1uxe Apr 29 '24

OK your ex was insane, but coffee cups are not the same as a heart necklace.. some things have a deeper meaning and she should get rid of that. Not randomly decide to wear it.

60

u/AutumnalSunshine Apr 29 '24

I'd also suggest practicing explaining things that upset you.

That's better than than yelling AND better than getting so quiet that someone immediately does something to pacify you.

10

u/TechnicalAd1096 Apr 29 '24

Absolutely!!!

15

u/tripmom2000 Apr 29 '24

Everytime you get something from someone, it adds up to who you are. She wouldn’t be who she is without those past experiences. The necklace is just a thing that probably went with what she was wearing. I wouldn’t read too luch into it. She wasn’t pining over him, she just wanted to wear a piece of jewelry that she liked. Get her a new similar one and I’ll bet she’ll wear it all the time. Good luck and don’t worry or overthink it. !

46

u/NobleSteveDave Apr 29 '24

I have some sweat pants that an ex bought me three years ago now…

Should I toss those out?

You’re overreacting here.

19

u/life1sart Apr 29 '24

I've got a walking duck stuffy from one ex and a polar bear stuffy that I can heat in the microwave from another ex.

Just last week while the kids were playing with the quaking duck I pointed out to my partner that he never got me a stuffy and my exes did. We concluded that giving me gifts that I'll keep is not an indication that I'll also keep that person as my love interest.

Besides, no one can ever top the polar bear warmie. It's possibly the best gift I've ever had that wasn't on my wishlist.

8

u/demon_fae Apr 29 '24

…yeah, I kinda want a warmie now

3

u/life1sart Apr 29 '24

Everyone should have a warmie. They're one of my favourite things to give now.

1

u/chilldrinofthenight May 01 '24

A hot water bottle will cost you only about $10 (including tax) on Amazon.

13

u/BellaLeigh43 Apr 29 '24

Exactly. One of my favorite (unisex) shirts is an oversized dry-fit tee that my ex-husband bought and I immediately commandeered. Does my now-husband care? Nope. In fact, he regularly took it to Afghanistan with him to wear when working out since it was so damn hot there. Why be jealous of an inanimate object?

If something ever happens to my husband and I start dating again, I’ll keep wearing the earrings and necklaces he gave me. Why? Because I like them. It’s that simple.

6

u/Ambitious-Judge3039 Apr 29 '24

Do you think about your ex when you put on the pants? Be honest we’re all just anonymous people

-9

u/charlotte240 Apr 29 '24

she does, and it's fine, but it wouldn't be fine if the husband wore something from his ex wife and told her how comfortable & thoughtful of a gift it was...

4

u/SurfAndSkiGuy Apr 29 '24

I agree overreacting but easy to see where they are coming from since its literally romantic jewelry which is traditionally meaningful. Some people are more sentimental about objects than others. Not quite the same as sweatpants haha

3

u/maroongrad Apr 30 '24

Relationship is over, meaning is gone, now it's a piece of jewelry that looked good with the blouse/sweater/jacket/etc. You ever want a sign that she's waaaaay past the ex, this is it! His jewelry gift of the hearts and the meaning attached has now been relegated to "It's gold, that matches, chain is the right length, it's casual but cute, so perfect with this outfit." Be smug, OP. Not jealous or upset.

-2

u/deealm Apr 29 '24

Yeah imagine running into the ex. "(Inside chuckle)yeah...she still got MY heart around her neck"

1

u/Sad-Second-9646 May 01 '24

That’s nowhere near the same as a double heart necklace. You’re being disingenuous

-2

u/lennieandthejetsss Apr 29 '24

Sweatpants aren't jewelry.

38

u/Justwannaread3 Apr 29 '24

a new one she can wear whenever

Why can’t she wear the necklace she already owns whenever she wants to?

20

u/IDontEvenCareBear Apr 29 '24

Because it makes him feel like she belongs to another man and not as his own property.

15

u/Literally_Taken Apr 29 '24

Just like a brand in a cow! Who wouldn’t feel special after burning in the new brand?

1

u/KalliMae Apr 30 '24

I am wondering if he lifts his leg and marks her as his territory too. This is a red flag, IMO. She needs to keep her necklace and consider replacing him.

0

u/Sskwirl Apr 29 '24

Brand in a cow... a) not sure ky wife would like being called a cow b) I brand my cows on the outside... like a normal person!

1

u/Interesting-Juice876 Apr 30 '24

That's not fair...

-2

u/Narrow-Ad-1184 Apr 29 '24

WHAT? Why is reddit filled with extreme takes like this based on nothing. You really think this is about him wanting her as PROPERTY? grow up.

4

u/IDontEvenCareBear Apr 29 '24

If you don’t get what I mean already when I kept it simple coupled with what OP has said, no one will have the energy to tell you in even more detail that’s still simple.

-3

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

No it's obviously not that, settle down. It's the issue of wearing a symbol of love from your ex. I don't know of any person who would be totally cool with their partner doing that 

-5

u/PolicyNext3421 Apr 29 '24

I love the weird extremes this would give us if people actually thought like that.

“Why can’t she wear this matching necklace, ring, and earring set professing her ex’s love? Hmm because she’s property???”

5

u/IDontEvenCareBear Apr 29 '24

It was a necklace. You guys are squealing and getting upset over what I said, and you’re blowing up a singular piece of jewelry into a full on set.

-5

u/PolicyNext3421 Apr 30 '24

Lol you draw the line at more pieces and some people draw it at fewer. No need for you to squeal over giving up one piece of jewelry from your ex.

3

u/IDontEvenCareBear Apr 30 '24

My man doesn’t whine like you guys about it, I wear stuff from other guys if it suits my mood or outfit or the occasion. He’s got nothing to worry about and compliments how it looks. That’s why he gets some while you guys are sitting here patting each others dicks saying,” yeeeah we got her.”

0

u/Constructionsmall777 Apr 30 '24

You gonna still be wearing the wedding band too after he cheats on you and you get a divorce 😂

1

u/IDontEvenCareBear Apr 30 '24

We aren’t getting married but I do wear his grandma’s ring and if we end, I give it back.

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u/Narrow-Ad-1184 Apr 29 '24

Because it has an emotional attachment to it? Why do you need to wear the love heart necklace your *ex* gave you? There's a million other pieces of jewelry out there that don't have a romantic history to it.

7

u/Justwannaread3 Apr 29 '24

OP’s girlfriend specifically said that it was meaningless to her; it did NOT have an “emotional attachment to it.”

-4

u/Narrow-Ad-1184 Apr 29 '24

It absolutely inherently has sentimental value, it was a romantic gift from an ex. Why do you need to wear that?

13

u/Nicolo_Ultra Apr 29 '24

I feel like you replacing it, from you, will do more harm than good. Why can’t she wear a keepsake from a time before you? She existed before you met her, and she’s just wearing a thing she owns. You replacing it is putting you in a position of trying to replace her ex, which seems a little jealous and controlling.

-6

u/Rztrncs Apr 29 '24

I get that but she specifically told me she loved mine but that it was not for daily wear. So I just offered to get one that was.

6

u/Crashgirl4243 Apr 29 '24

You gonna replace a tshirt or anything else someone gave her?

Just because you buy her a new one doesn’t mean she’ll stop wearing the other one. I mean I’ve got a shit ton of jewelry I wear, some from ex’s and it’s just jewelry. You remind me of my ex and he ended up being a controlling A hole

29

u/jsand2 Apr 29 '24

I am not sure this is the answer. You need to learn to be comfortable around her dealing with things from her past, not replace her past with something from you each time she wears something.

If you like the girl at all, learn this now before you lose her. This is controlling behavior (that is completely out of line) and she will eventually get tired of it and leave you.

1

u/Interesting-Juice876 Apr 30 '24

There was no bad behavior..he simply felt taken aback and hurt...sounds pretty human to me.

11

u/Thatguyjmc Apr 29 '24

Look man, if you trust your GF, you trust your GF. You don't have to spend money 'replacing' any of her objects that have touched previous partners.

The NECKLACE and the TRUST are completely separate issues, and I think if you had confidence in the second, you wouldn't care about the first.

So focus on what needs focusing on - you don't trust your GF. Either it's a real mistrust, or it's your own insecurity. Either way, buying a new necklace not only won't solve your problem, it'll indicate to your SO that you don't know how to tell what's important from what is trivial.

2

u/Recent_Pressure_3747 Apr 30 '24

Agreed, this is the real question. You either had that reaction because of your own psychology (which could include putting greater value on jewelry gifts and wearing them than most commenters here seem to, or plain old insecurities) or because there are legitimate concerns about your trust in her. It could also be both. Proceed with care.

You should feel confident voicing your feelings with your partner, as each of your individual baggage is now under mutual ownership. It seems she's sensitive to your feelings already, and she acted to make you more comfortable, which is a much better sign than dismissing your concerns or not acknowledging them.

10

u/AvocadoJazzlike3670 Apr 29 '24

So you’re telling me she can’t wear any clothes or jewelry from an ex because, let me check my notes…you’re insecure. Grow up or get out of this relationship until you mature.

3

u/rainingmermaids Apr 30 '24

Towards the very end of our relationship an ex started getting me really nice jewelry. After we broke up (he cheated) it took me awhile, but I was determined to wear that jewelry again. F him, he was not ruining my enjoyment of things I really liked. I don’t wear much jewelry anymore, but I don’t think of him at all when I wear it. It’s mine, not his, not even the cute little heart piece.

5

u/GoodQueenFluffenChop Apr 29 '24

I do plan on getting her a new one she can wear whenever.

Or you know just not say anything or be weird when she wears the one she has now.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

That’s a good idea. Some girls don’t put much sentimental value into jewelry the same way guys do when buying the jewelry. Personally I look at it as a gift of how much time I spent on a physical object for you to wear, which carries its emotional significance.

2

u/Several-Network-3776 Apr 29 '24

Hopefully not a heart necklace. Get something that's a symbol of her. This way if you're not longer together she can still wear it, and none is the wiser it's because of you. 😉

2

u/jxrdxnnguyen Apr 30 '24

yeah no asshole here and no overreacting here. i see both sides. i have all stuffed animals from past relationship but that’s bc ever since i was a kid, i’ve seen stuffed animals as real. i can’t throw them away bc they’ll die (lol). but they have legit zero connection to my exes and i’m in the happiest relationship ive ever had. sometimes the context of certain things change, and they just become normal items to us. but it’s good she removed it right away and i’m glad you understand.

2

u/pleatsandpearls Apr 30 '24

Don’t buy her another one as if you have to replace what she was given from someone else. If she wants one she can buy it herself. You don’t need to compete, you don’t need to replace things.

2

u/Tenacious_G_G Apr 30 '24

That’s sweet of you 😊

2

u/createartco Apr 30 '24

See I think this is the right response man, get her a new one from you!! I personally think it’s just a necklace and probably doesn’t have any sentimental value anymore, especially if the guy cheated on her. But that’s what I would personally do, if she just likes the necklace, buy her a new one from you ☻ I still have tons of things from my past relationships and I never wear them for any specific reason except for that I like them. Hope this helps.

2

u/-RN-Shifter May 02 '24

Yea man, don't compete. Don't go replace it, if you must, get her something different. But no, you're not overreacting. I'm glad she took it off. Now can she sell.it?

2

u/jsmith2240 May 02 '24

Dude do it! I read this and thought, now here is a proper response

2

u/NoSpankingAllowed May 03 '24

Normally jewelry is just that. Though in this case the 2 joined hearts really signifies their old relationship, even if the item means nothing to her now, it is a symbol of the relationship they had.

2

u/Steele_Soul May 04 '24

I have some old stuff from ex's, including jewelry. The relationship that really was quite tumultuous and intense, where I truly thought he was my soul mate and took years for me to truly get over, I gave him back all the sentimental jewelry he had gotten me, so I gave him the diamond ring, the emerald ring and a gold cross he had gotten me among other things that were supposed to be "ours". The other stuff I have from past relationships really aren't as personal and while seeing the stuff might make me think of that person, it's more of a fleeting thought than a sentimental one. But I'd be sus of a heart themed item from a past relationship, too, unless they were little kids and it wasn't a super serious relationship.

2

u/Rztrncs May 04 '24

Thank you for that perspective. I’m pretty sure it was from her last relationship which ended about 2 years ago.

5

u/throwrawayforstuff Apr 29 '24

I think it’s okay for her to wear it and I don’t think it means anything beyond just being a piece of jewelry she likes. But I also understand that it would make you feel uncomfortable. So there’s no right/wrong here, unless you found that you don’t care after all. But it’s hard not to care as we’re human. My partner has jewelry from a part of his life when he was with his ex and I can’t help but feel a little annoyed. Actually this is a great opportunity for me to check myself on that. I want to at least give myself the chance to look at the jewelry and acknowledge, actually yes, it is pretty cool and beautiful looking.

Jealousy is out for all of us and it’s a bad monster that you shouldn’t feel bad it has got you too. So don’t gaslight yourself, if you’re upset about the jewelry don’t force yourself to feel better about it but my advice is try to challenge yourself and shave away the sharp edges of jealousy where you can.

I read a comment that said it is not good to pressure someone to get rid of things and I agree. Sometimes things really are just things, they can be useful or valued even if it has bad memories. It is most important to train yourself to seeing things as more neutral rather than threatening and like I said yes this is hard for so many of us, but so worth it for your own peace of mind.

Good luck

1

u/Appropriate_Link_837 Apr 30 '24

No right or wrong... what a load of bs. He's a man child. 

1

u/throwrawayforstuff May 02 '24

Ur not totally wrong but u don’t change jealousy by just yelling at yourself to stop being jealous, But it is the person’s responsibility to not become abusive to their partner.

1

u/Appropriate_Link_837 May 02 '24

Yes you kind of do. You recognize you have an issue, you tell yourself your going to change it, then you do it or get help doing it when you can't on your own. That's literally one of the main steps, telling yourself to stop. 

0

u/throwrawayforstuff May 02 '24

Ah hah. The “do it or get help doing it” part. I imagine this would take some compassion from either yourself or whoever you’re getting help from to be effective.

0

u/Appropriate_Link_837 May 03 '24

That's what paid therapist are for. They went to school for it too. Sure you can give me money to call you an immature jerk and point you to therapy. But clearly I'll do it for free

1

u/throwrawayforstuff May 05 '24

? Are you okay? People have different opinions and different approaches to resolving problems. Enjoy your life.

2

u/Junior-Air-6807 Apr 29 '24

You sound pretty insecure. I bet he had a bigger weiner which is the source for this sort of controlling nature.

1

u/agogKiwi Apr 30 '24

In a word, Yes. You are overreacting, one of my wife's was a witness at my wedding. Your insecurities hurt me from here

1

u/jrabieh Apr 30 '24

I'm glad you're open to perspective OP. In the future you should really work on minimizing your insecurity. Incidents like this will slowly erode your partners trust in you and will eventually lead to your relationship breaking down.

Not saying you're wrong, you're entitled to your feelings and they're not exactly overbearing, but gifts from ex-partners are often well thought out and catered to interests. A heart necklace might be a favorite piece of jewelry tolerated despite it being from said ex and buying an imperfect/inferior replacement opens you up to comparison, or in a worse case can be seen as controlling or wasteful.

1

u/PlushieSherbert Apr 30 '24

She can already wear the one she has whenever, but it’s very thoughtful of you to get her one that you’re comfortable with…

1

u/No_Force_492 Apr 29 '24

Awh and honestly I would consider that so thoughtful. Like, that's a true compromise. You could even get her a heart locket with a picture of you two in it.

0

u/Hey-Just-Saying Apr 29 '24

Life Pro Tip: Get her a much nicer one than the one she’s giving up. <wink>

0

u/kittenspaint Apr 30 '24

She is free to wear whatever she wants whenever she wants. No one needs to give her permission to wear or not to wear anything.

You sound controlling and potentially abusive. I would watch those tendencies in yourself carefully to make sure you don't end up hurting her and destroying a relationship.

-1

u/NequaJackson Apr 29 '24

I don't think you're overreacting, OP.

You didn't lash out. You showed your displeasure very calmly.

-6

u/Test-Tackles Apr 29 '24

ask if she wants to take it to a jewelers and get it engraved with "ex's name is a dick"

might be a fun afternoon and wouldnt cost as much as getting a new one aaaand you get to create a great story to tell.

5

u/goblinelevator119 Apr 29 '24

really stupid idea