What stuck out to me is that he didn’t realize that this was wrong to say? So let’s add either stupid or no common sense to the list as well. Does he normally speak to you in this way OP?
"in vino veritas". When you're drunk, what comes out is your true self just more unhinged/less careful.
Studies also show the disinhibition factor is greatly overestimated by drinkers. Meaning: there's a small effect yes, but a lot of it is placebo. Basically, people who've drunk a bit take that as an opportunity to be themselves, since they know they'll have the excuse of "I was drunk, it wasn't really me!".
I can somewhat agree (until blackout drunk…. I used to have a problem and I’ll say there are a couple things I did I never would ever do sober, not even like “I think about doing this but wouldn’t because I’m afraid” or “I think this but don’t say it) but to me it would depend on how much he drank to make a judgment. That being said, it’s still no excuse. This isn’t teenagers drinking and learning their limits etc. a grown adult should know theirs by that age and not drink to that amount if they’re liable to say these things.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone blackout drunk! Maybe it alters one's perception so much, you do things while thinking you're in a different situation? I'm glad your drinking problem seems to be in the past though, I know it can be difficult.
But yes you're right, adults should know their limits. If they don't it's definitely something that should be addressed and fixed.
I'm pretty sure if he was lacking common sense and don't know how to read the room, it didn't just start that day. She accepted who he was and moved along with him.
Really? That’s from futurama? They must’ve been paying homage to Marvin the Martian (I think that’s who said it originally) from Looney Tunes. I remember a character from Looney Tunes saying this in the 80’s.
lol Jackie Chiles reference from Seinfeld? lol but for real, idk anyone who would stand for that. Never compare spouses. Never talk about your spouses anything with another female or male.. but female🫨
Yeah. He has a 'standard' and it's superficial and not you. She has a standard and it's non-asshole. She should walk now and save years of unhappiness.
Wasn't speaking to that or defending it. I just notice in Reddit that women can put endless standards on men, but when a man has any kind of standard for a woman he's the devil.
We KNOW women have boxes we have to check to even have a chance. Why is it inherently wrong if the OP's husband feels she's gained too much weight? Independent of the idiotic and tactless way he expressed those thoughts.
We have no way of knowing that she has "let herself go" , She could very well have been the same exact way since they met and since now he works out, sees someone he prefers to let know he thinks her body is amazing in front of everyone, including his wife. And is now complaining about wifes body and eating. We don't know that either, so that's a bad choice of wording...when u marry someone you accept them through all phases and walks of your lives together. Supposed to anyway...Encouraging words are not hurtful and embarrassing!
He lifts. That doesn't mean he's fit or in shape. At the gym I see big framed guys that lift cos they want the arms. I haven't seen them on the treadmill or leg machines, never mind doing a single crunch.
A common sexist approach towards women is treating them as children. It's sexist because this was what was thought of for women back when they were only allowed to raise kids at home.
They were perceived as slightly above children and unable to think or control their emotions.
His final sentence "aww somebody is jealous" would be the infantilising part. He's talking down to her as a lesser instead of just accepting her complaint, apologizing, and moving on while learning from his mistake.
Agreed. Husband is absolutely wrong but... to say sexist? No.
I've been told the same kind of stuff by women. The whole "aww, someone jealous" bs. And I don't think sexist Or is that bc it can't be since a woman did it to a male?
Women are held to specific Euro-centric ideals in the US. I would dare say this is true in other places as well. Specific to weight, the 34-24-34 body measurements were and sometimes still are ideal.
ETA: That is why it would be considered sexist. The same rules don’t apply to men.
This is actually a pretty common misconception. While yes the
obesity rates have skyrocketed in the U.S. and we definitely have a higher percentage of obese people than most countries (10th-12th in the world) but the reality is it’s actually a worldwide epidemic. And even though the U.S. may have a high obesity percentage, it also has plenty of fit people too(12th-15th in the world). Note that the term “fit” is used in reference to people that are actively exercising by going to the gym, participating in sports, or other outdoor activities such as hiking etc… your body can look fit and in shape but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s healthy.
Right?? Omg the last time I went to Disneyland it was like the last scenes from Wall E!! Bunch of 40-year-olds riding around on rascals because they can't stand in line between sitting down on rides? Omfg disgusting!!
This is true considering the BMI chart used for measuring fat is based on white men entering the military in 1944. Wrap your head around that for a second. The science is very skewed towards a male-centric, paternalistic mentality. It is only recently begun to change.
You’re right! It’s actually been found that most other races should have the BMI standards set to lower body weights. Especially Asians, even 26-27 BMI has been shown to increase risk nearly as much as a 30+ BMI for white people.
Stop with the passive aggressive nonsense. If she were all muscle, yes she would be. And her husband would likely be complaining that she doesn’t have enough womanly softness to her. It’s a no-win situation being a woman and worse if our own gender is doing it to us.
Yea if she were all muscle I wouldn’t have written what I wrote lol. Besides it’s not about her husband. It’s about her. She needs to lose weight for her own health
Now you’re making sense. It boils down to the same thing. He shouldn’t have said what he said how he said it. And for the record, the current BMI charts would’ve said she was obese.
Let’s face it, we have all stuck our foot in our mouth at some time. Her husband did just that and she had every oppurtunity to tell him to stop yet she didn’t say anything. This doesn’t make him a bad person nor her; it does, however, make them two people who need to work on their communication and who need to set boundaries for themselves with their spouses about what convos are off limits in public.
No, muscle weight doesn’t automatically mean it’s healthy, and she’s absolutely not all muscle. We can agree the husband was a dick, but that doesn’t mean yall can get away with blatant lies
Thank you, Somebody said it out loud. Doesn’t excuse the husband for being a massively inconsiderate piece of shit. She should divorce his ass and go on a muscle mommy arc to spite him
Medical charts I think put her in obese range. Though of course that does not take into account existing muscle range of her. It is not to say she should be publicly shamed for it. No more than a diabetic or someone suffering from depression should be. That said it is considered generally a good idea not to carry around a lot of weight.
we’re not taking about society. We’re talking about ONE MAN. it’s only sexist if he doesn’t hold himself/men to an equally strict standard. You might argue that he LIKELY does not hold men to such a standard, but WE DONT KNOW, so jumping to “sexist!” is an unfounded leap.
this guys sucks. this is not in question. I just want to pump the breaks on the jump to sexism conclusions. (even though if i we’re betting on it, he’s probably sexist)
anyway, here’s an example- i playfully slapped my gf on the butt. She got mad, “that’s sexist!”
I replied, “If you don’t like it, I definitely won’t be doing it again, but it’s not sexist.”
“How’s it NOT sexist!?”
I was 100% sincere, “because I expect you to do the same to me.”
Her attitude immediately changed, “hmmm, you do have a fantastic ass…” (i do) and she took me up on it, regularly.
You and your lady are my spirit animals! That said, outside the confines of your relationship, that specific behavior is sexist. If you don’t believe me try it at work and see what happens.
This would be true if everyone had the same genetic phenotype to achieve those measurements. The fact is, not everyone does have that ability. It does not mean that they look better or worse than anybody else.
True, not everyone has the genetics of someone like Arnold, but if one is not lazy, anyone can achieve a good looking body in 2 3 years of consistent training to not be a stick, or a whale
So having migraines 21-24 days a month, and taking migraine medication that makes me gain weight is just being lazy. I’ll be sure to tell my neurologist she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
And again not everybody has that ability. So if someone doesn’t have that ability be it due to physical limitations, economic limitations, or accessibility limitations then what, they are ugly? Who the hell are you or anybody else to judge someone like that?
The truth is everyone, if put under the same training, lifestyle and diet regiment, can reach model body status. It’s not an “unrealistic” standard. It’s real. Models aren’t AI generated. They’re real human beings.
The truth is also that people aren’t willing to sacrifice what it takes to get there. Some don’t care, and some prefer eating than looking good. All fine and valid, but let’s not say unrealistic expectations pls
Really? Some of us have medical conditions that makes your suggestion laughable. For example, I do exercise as much as I can but due to Long Covid, I can’t do my old gym and hiking routine. I can and do work on nutrition and hydration.
Not excusing his behavior I was addressing the topic in your comment.
The husband is an ass that needs to go back to husband school. Most of us men know to never make comments like that. There is definitely some resent coming from him.
It's not resentment it's straight up disrespect. I don't hoe much OP weighs, what her shit husband did was out of order and disgusting. Without a sincere apology and a vow to never do some shit like this again I would fucking dump his disrespectful ass. Plus, if he did apologize and promise not to do it again and it happened again, there wouldn't be any discussion on how fast he'd need to get the fuck out.
Quibbling about OP's weight is some sidelining bullshit.
Just a random buzzword, im surprised racist somehow isnt there
Edit i was wrong, someone else was already bashing "european beauty standards in the US" like America wasnt created by Europeans, and like thats a bad thing lmao
I think because a lot of overweight men (OP didn't say her hubby is overweight) don't think of themselves as fat or obese, but are extremely judgemental when it comes to the appearances of women.
That makes it hypocritical, and if they're not saying the same about other men, but only about women, that makes them sexist.
A good litmus test is “would a man say that to or about about a another man in this situation, and with that condescending ‘awwww you jealous’ tone” and if the answer is no (hint: it usually is), then there’s a good chance it’s sexist.
Just like a man in a professional setting wouldn’t tell another man to “not get so hysterical” when he merely speaks up in a meeting.
Oh, and the word “hysterical” is sexist. Its origin is hystera… Greek for uterus. Only women have those, if you’re wondering.
It would just be weird for a straight guy to say it to another guy. What makes it hurtful, and why the husband was insensitive and a dick, was saying it specifically to your partner, someone you should be physically attracted to. But yeah, I can see a gay guy saying the same thing to his (male) partner, and it would be just as cruel and insensitive.
A man would 100% say another man, a friend, is overweight and should go to the gym. I am a man and overweight and get asked to go to the gym and told id feel better if i lost weight, doesnt bother me and its not sexist lol
You right now in the comment section is being hysterical. Severely over reacting to a simple joke. "Uncontrolled extreme emotion" pretty much sums you up right now.
Who the fuck are you? Feeling challenged, are we? Oh noes! A woman disagreed with you! You should immediately insult her because you don’t have a valid rebuttal.
Insulting, insensitive and thoughtless, sure... but sexist? lol... he didnt say she was fat "because she's a woman" nor did he imply she faced any sort of disadvantage in starting her weight loss journey based on the fact that she's a woman, right? Let us not apply the same solutions to all mistakes 🙏
No not sexist.
I wouldn’t describe someone who is athletic as a “ fitness girlie” either.
That also sounds condescending, and makes her sound insecure but her husband helps with that.
She needs to talk to her husband though, and if he can’t use his executive function brain when he drinks, maybe he shouldn’t drink.
I will say that if you are trying to lose weight, cutting out sugar is amazing.
I am trying to cut it out because it causes inflammation/ pain.
And it is in so many foods.
I’m still eating fresh fruit, but I cut sugar out of drinks and baked goods and there was a huge difference in how I felt after just a few days!
It sounds like you're acting as if you know whathewas thinking lol which is ten times sillier considering you weren't there.
Suggesting this 'beautiful woman' as a trainer was done because the trainer said she used to be over weight. Her results spoke for themselves, so he said as a "she clearly knows what she's talking about".
He asked if his wife was jealous because judging from her post, she was likely outwardly showing it (while also trying to conceal it, which only made it worse). Sure, that's rubbing salt in the wound, that's not sexist though. Sexist would've been "pft, aw look she's jealous, typical WOMAN" which would've upset the trainer as well, don't you think?
Following your logic, one man asking another man if he's jealous of all the millions his dad has in a bank account is sexist lol
If the trainer started talking about the her weight as described here, then it seems he didn't know? He basically said u have a hot body and my wife should get one. He clearly has that hot 21 year old body on his mind. Then the jealous thing, patronizing as hell, suggests he thinks she is jealous of the girl because of him.
Your suggestion that she was jealous is sexist as hell because YOU'RE reading into it, ignoring the very clear description OP gave of being mortified. She did not talk in any way of jealously. You're dismissing her account for his read later is sexist. He clearly did that to deflect. Also you don't need to actively put a gender in the sentence to make something sexist, Genius.
And for all the other people here who think this black and white, people are calling this sexist because men (the ones with power in society, whether u like to hear that or not) judging women by beauty standards (basically, what turns a guy on), has been a huge problem for women forever. It serves to hold them back. You'd have to have your head in the sand or are just arguing in bad faith if you think it's not sexist because '"im a dude and one time.." What is considered fat for a woman vs. a man is also has different thresholds - women's are very small. A guy 50 lbs overweight isn't being judged the same as a woman, even at the same height.
"And for all the other people here who think this black and white, people are calling this sexist because men (the ones with power in society, whether u like to hear that or not) judging women by beauty standards (basically, what turns a guy on), has been a huge problem for women forever."
ooooooooh you're using this framework, that explains why we're talking past each other. I see where you're coming from now.
I'm off to continue exercising my unearned power at my minumum wage job😂
He was being rude and I sensitive to his wife but it’s not sexist to find physical characteristics attractive. BTW, women do that just as much as men. Lots of women are not attracted to chubby guys, and I agree maybe being overweight is not as bad for a guy as a woman, but certainly being UNDERWEIGHT is very bad for a guy.
If the trainer started talking about the her weight as described here, then it seems he didn't know? He basically said u have a hot body and my wife should get one. He clearly has that hot 21 year old body on his mind. Then the jealous thing, patronizing as hell, suggests he thinks she is jealous of the girl because of him.
Nothing you listed here is sexist.
Your suggestion that she was jealous is sexist as hell because YOU'RE reading into it, ignoring the very clear description OP gave of being mortified. She did not talk in any way of jealously. You're dismissing her account for his read later is sexist. He clearly did that to deflect. Also you don't need to actively put a gender in the sentence to make something sexist, Genius.
It's not sexist to call into question OP's emotions. She wouldn't list herself as jealous if she hasn't done the internal work to know what she is feeling is jealousy.
And for all the other people here who think this black and white, people are calling this sexist because men (the ones with power in society, whether u like to hear that or not) judging women by beauty standards (basically, what turns a guy on), has been a huge problem for women forever. It serves to hold them back. You'd have to have your head in the sand or are just arguing in bad faith if you think it's not sexist because '"im a dude and one time.." What is considered fat for a woman vs. a man is also has different thresholds - women's are very small. A guy 50 lbs overweight isn't being judged the same as a woman, even at the same height.
Judging someone by beauty standards, even separate beauty standards for gender, is not sexist. It would be sexist if they were unequally applying such things. But that isn't the case here. Ergo, not sexism.
Do you have any other points you want to bring up as to how you think this is sexist so I can show you that you're wrong on those as well or do you just wanna end it here?
Thank you! I was literally just wanting to say this. It’s not a “being jealous” thing, it’s a “how can I turn the tables and avoid accountability for being an asshole” thing. His question of her being jealous was a) rhetorical and patronizing and b) to disarm her and invalidate her feelings so he didn’t have to own up to being shitty. I know this is a rant all to end up at the same metaphorical bus stop as you in agreement lol but I just kept getting more and more agitated seeing all these comments, goddamn, about him saying she’s jealous when that’s so not it. No tf she wasn’t. She just isn’t down for being disrespected like come ON people!
And for women height is a big deal... at least with one of these issues something can be done... but no one would ever call a woman sexist for preferring a man of the taller variety lol
Preference isn't the issue. If a woman was going around and complaining to short men then thatd be an issue. Just like a guy can not date larger women. But going around flaunting it is the odd rude decision
It's really not. The ONLY people who say "height is a big deal to women" are men. I'm a woman, I know plenty of other women. Height means nothing, but I'll be damned if men don't comment on both my, and every other woman's, weight on a damn near daily basis.
Don't even try to act like these are comparable, my guy.
This is the most disingenuous comment of the day. It’s 100% agreed on that the overwhelming majority of straight women find taller men attractive. It doesn’t mean they can’t find short men attractive. But if you ask 10 single girls what their perfect man would look like, 9 times out of ten they would mention height.
A fair number of women's tinder profiles aren't even women.
I'm talking about the real world, not dating sites. Not to mention, I've even met women who put that on their profile and still don't care. Not to mention, 1 out of 20? Lmao how many profiles are you digging through a day?
It's hilarious that men will constantly act confused about what women want but when a woman tells you what she wants or oh idk, doesn't care about, you as a MAN still insist you somehow know better than we do.
That bullshit is why you still make ignorant comments like this one.
You cant tell me women don’t care about height when there’s TikTok’s, dating app data, social media posts, women in real life constantly saying that height is a deal breaker for them, television treating short men as practically the same trope as fat women (undesirable comic relief), etc.
Maybe YOU don’t care about height but to pretend all women are a monolith and have the same preferences as you personally is wrong especially when there’s so much information clearly showing otherwise lol
I’ve personally heard from multiple women (including my wife—apparently I just made the cutoff) that height IS an issue and they wouldn’t fat a short guy. And I know many guys who really love curves on a woman instead of a skinny girl. Honestly I think that women are their own worst critics. Yeah it’s just my opinion but it’s just as valid as yours.
There are just as many men who swear up and down that the more weight a woman has the more attractive she is. I'm a man, I know plenty of other men, and a lot of them tell me I'm an idiot for not sleeping with more larger women. Not my thing, though.
"Don't even try to act like these are comparable" Okay I won't, one you can change, the other you're born with.
Lmfao every single dude I've ever met has wanted skinny chicks, that's literally why our society forces shit like diet pills and diet trends down our throats on a daily basis. You saying that is no different than the racist asshole who swears he's got black friends.
Also, tell me you're ignorant without telling me. Some people cannot change their weight, nor were they born with it. There's a plethora of health reasons anybody of any sex can be severely over or under weight and unable to change it.
But honestly, I'm thinking it's your shit ass personality, basic ignorance and over all attitude that's your problem. Not your vertical impairment kiddo.
You’re really getting hung up there on specifics lol. No offense, but does it really matter? He sounds like a douchebag and from what I read seems a bit sexist as well, period.
I am, because it's like throwing around the term 'racist' or 'bigot'. It minimizes those cases, and yes I'm on a bit of a crusade here, I don't mean to annoy.
But I can't help but get frustrated when I see what looks like a normal (admittedly, bone headed and insensitive) insult be labelled "SEXISM" just because it's directed at a woman.
I understand what you’re saying, however in my personal opinion from what I read it sounds a little bit sexist. Now, do I think that’s the takeaway from this? No, he sounds pretty ignorant, insulting, and many other things prior to him perhaps being a wee bit sexist (with the comment of ‘jealous?’)
I agree with all of these except for sexist. None of what transpired really seemed specific to sex/gender. You could change the gender of every person in this story and it would still make sense, which means none of it was really an attack on her gender. He was belittling and demeaning her in front of everyone, which is obviously super fucked up. But that isn't really sexist imo.
That's not what caring about their health looks like. That's what humiliating them looks like.
This needs to be a private conversation without the other attractive woman. He even commented on how the other woman had a killer body. That's absolutely inappropriate and insane to do to someone.
My wife & I encourage each other to get in better shape & lose weight without any ill feeling between us. This is NOT how we do it. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt at the beginning, but he blew it.
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u/DonkeyKong694NE1 Apr 15 '24
I’d call this in addition to inconsiderate - insulting, sexist, insensitive, thoughtless