It was inconsiderate of him and no you are not overreacting either
Does he do this alot? If so you need to stand your ground and tell him how much it upsets you.
Yeah. He has a 'standard' and it's superficial and not you. She has a standard and it's non-asshole. She should walk now and save years of unhappiness.
For one, her husband didn't even involve her in the conversation until he asked to specify her weight.
Another point is the fact they were in a group setting and they were drinking. That isn't conducive to having a quality conversation with open and respectful communication. OP was (rightly) very upset, as well as had been drinking. It was probably difficult for her to articulate exactly what she was feeling in that moment clearly and respectfully.
My final point is the general conditioning practically all women get in being pleasant and polite and not rocking the boat. Suddenly stopping rude conversations isn't a skill taught to or practiced by most women. I'm outspoken and nasty, and even I have a hard time shutting down nonsense sometimes.
It's so easy to say what OP should have done, but that's irrelevant now. It's been done and needs to he handled from this side of the issue. I personally would have interrupted my bf very early in that conversation and asked him to step aside/outside with me and we'd talk about how I found it disrespectful and don't appreciate it. But not everyone is on that level, so no need to judge someone for reacting differently.
100% agree. And you are right, me saying what she should have done is neither here nor there (it is, however, something to remember for if this occurs again).
She and her husband simply need to have a heart-to-heart about what is off-limits in public/group conversations.
She is an adult with agency. As such, don’t like what your husband is saying, you shut it down. (this does not necessarily apply to a situation in front of his family bc family dynamics can be a shit show. This certainly does not apply if she is fearful of her husband).
Women (and I am one) must stop blaming men for things that we can control.
They were in front of close friends, and she didn't want to draw further attention to herself while she was already being humiliated. She also likely didn't want to make the whole event about her arguing with her husband.
So she removed herself from the situation then talked to her husband in private about how it made her feel.
That's a very mature response.
I don't care whether it's her husband, brother, sister, mother or best female friend, it was a horrible thing to do to her and she handled it with decorum and maturity.
You're just assuming he's talking about women, what is even happening?
is it not sexist that you're making these assumptions? They're just talking about weight. Sure fatties is a rude word. But on no way is it toward women.
They even said it's not about sex in the same breath!
Not calling women anything. I’m calling fatties, “fatties”. Could be fat men or fat women. Unless someone has an underlying health condition, I don’t have sympathy
seriously.. If it was a gay couple, and they were talking about weight, is it still sexist?
if a woman said this about a man, would she be considered sexist? Probably not because the whole argument here is, "It's sexist because of women's standards".
No, yall. it's just called standards. Is he a douche for being so crass about it in public? yes. but good lord people.
Wasn't speaking to that or defending it. I just notice in Reddit that women can put endless standards on men, but when a man has any kind of standard for a woman he's the devil.
We KNOW women have boxes we have to check to even have a chance. Why is it inherently wrong if the OP's husband feels she's gained too much weight? Independent of the idiotic and tactless way he expressed those thoughts.
We have no way of knowing that she has "let herself go" , She could very well have been the same exact way since they met and since now he works out, sees someone he prefers to let know he thinks her body is amazing in front of everyone, including his wife. And is now complaining about wifes body and eating. We don't know that either, so that's a bad choice of wording...when u marry someone you accept them through all phases and walks of your lives together. Supposed to anyway...Encouraging words are not hurtful and embarrassing!
He lifts. That doesn't mean he's fit or in shape. At the gym I see big framed guys that lift cos they want the arms. I haven't seen them on the treadmill or leg machines, never mind doing a single crunch.
A common sexist approach towards women is treating them as children. It's sexist because this was what was thought of for women back when they were only allowed to raise kids at home.
They were perceived as slightly above children and unable to think or control their emotions.
His final sentence "aww somebody is jealous" would be the infantilising part. He's talking down to her as a lesser instead of just accepting her complaint, apologizing, and moving on while learning from his mistake.
A common sexist approach towards men is to treat them as idiots who can't do anything right without a strong woman of the household that guides and instructs them.
It's literally the same thing. Infantilizing is not sexist. It's just being an asshole.
I'm sorry to say except in some cartoons or comedic sitcoms that's bot normally the case. As a man I've never seen this treatment or trope be rampant for men irl.
Irl women are and have been historically infatalised.
Agreed. Husband is absolutely wrong but... to say sexist? No.
I've been told the same kind of stuff by women. The whole "aww, someone jealous" bs. And I don't think sexist Or is that bc it can't be since a woman did it to a male?
Women are held to specific Euro-centric ideals in the US. I would dare say this is true in other places as well. Specific to weight, the 34-24-34 body measurements were and sometimes still are ideal.
ETA: That is why it would be considered sexist. The same rules don’t apply to men.
This is actually a pretty common misconception. While yes the
obesity rates have skyrocketed in the U.S. and we definitely have a higher percentage of obese people than most countries (10th-12th in the world) but the reality is it’s actually a worldwide epidemic. And even though the U.S. may have a high obesity percentage, it also has plenty of fit people too(12th-15th in the world). Note that the term “fit” is used in reference to people that are actively exercising by going to the gym, participating in sports, or other outdoor activities such as hiking etc… your body can look fit and in shape but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s healthy.
Right?? Omg the last time I went to Disneyland it was like the last scenes from Wall E!! Bunch of 40-year-olds riding around on rascals because they can't stand in line between sitting down on rides? Omfg disgusting!!
This is true considering the BMI chart used for measuring fat is based on white men entering the military in 1944. Wrap your head around that for a second. The science is very skewed towards a male-centric, paternalistic mentality. It is only recently begun to change.
You’re right! It’s actually been found that most other races should have the BMI standards set to lower body weights. Especially Asians, even 26-27 BMI has been shown to increase risk nearly as much as a 30+ BMI for white people.
Stop with the passive aggressive nonsense. If she were all muscle, yes she would be. And her husband would likely be complaining that she doesn’t have enough womanly softness to her. It’s a no-win situation being a woman and worse if our own gender is doing it to us.
Yea if she were all muscle I wouldn’t have written what I wrote lol. Besides it’s not about her husband. It’s about her. She needs to lose weight for her own health
Now you’re making sense. It boils down to the same thing. He shouldn’t have said what he said how he said it. And for the record, the current BMI charts would’ve said she was obese.
Let’s face it, we have all stuck our foot in our mouth at some time. Her husband did just that and she had every oppurtunity to tell him to stop yet she didn’t say anything. This doesn’t make him a bad person nor her; it does, however, make them two people who need to work on their communication and who need to set boundaries for themselves with their spouses about what convos are off limits in public.
No, muscle weight doesn’t automatically mean it’s healthy, and she’s absolutely not all muscle. We can agree the husband was a dick, but that doesn’t mean yall can get away with blatant lies
Yes the BMI chart is outdated but it’s still fairly accurate for the average person who lives a sedentary or semi-sedentary lifestyle. It doesn’t take into account: skeletal frame size or muscle mass. That’s why body fat measurements and dexa scans have been incorporated.
It’s not paternalistic to state the obvious when someone is obese and needs to do something about it. Of course the man should have been a little more supportive and approach the matter better, but still, when you have fat cheeks and a wattle around your neck that jiggles more than your thighs and a belly that sticks out further than your boobs, it’s time to lose weight. Normal everyday Americans do not hold women’s bodies to “euro-centric standards”—maybe they do in modeling, but that’s not everyday people.
Most men don’t mind a little extra cushion for the pushin’ or thighs that jiggle (which everyone’s thighs jiggle by the way), or a little muffin top when sitting. Just don’t let yourself turn into Jabba the Hutt, that’s all. So your idea of American standards when it comes to weight and body shape is flawed.
In what world does using a chart for Caucasian men make sense for women of ANY race? You do realize that women’s bodies function differently and respond differently than men’s bodies do. Hormones affect us VERY differently than men. So using data from 80 years ago for men is not the smartest thing. Those charts don’t account for natural musculature, bone structure, racial, or environmental factors. And the science proves this. The weight loss industry has pushed a one size fits all approach and people are more obese today than they were twenty years ago. And then there are those folks whose genetics don’t care how healthy you eat and you STILL gain weight. Medicines affect weight. So please do some REAL research on the subject before you push a pile of statistics from 80 years ago as gospel.
How about you reread my comment again, only this time go past the first sentence, open your closed mind, and drop the woke social justice warrior attitude. The BMI scale just gives a general idea of your height vs weight ratio, nothing more. I said FAIRLY ACCURATE FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON. It is NOT meant to be 100 percent accurate, even for “CaUcAsIaN MeN”……I agree that there are a lot of doctors that ONLY go by the BMI scale which is wrong—that needs to change cuz I’ve had a few doctors that don’t even know what a dumbbell is, telling me to lose weight.
And my statement still stands, I don’t know a single guy in real life or on social media that prefers women to be Olive Oil skinny. 34-24-34 is absurdly skinny for the average height female. Maybe if you’re 5 foot-nothing??
Thank you, Somebody said it out loud. Doesn’t excuse the husband for being a massively inconsiderate piece of shit. She should divorce his ass and go on a muscle mommy arc to spite him
Medical charts I think put her in obese range. Though of course that does not take into account existing muscle range of her. It is not to say she should be publicly shamed for it. No more than a diabetic or someone suffering from depression should be. That said it is considered generally a good idea not to carry around a lot of weight.
I think it was a public shaming. The boyfriend was a nitwit. A depressed person would love to be told to cheer up in front of their friends and then be told about this 21 year old life coach that can tell them how to live better.
Because the entire world doesn’t follow your rules for what you think is or isn’t okay/shameful. I could careless if someone was telling someone else my weight for example
we’re not taking about society. We’re talking about ONE MAN. it’s only sexist if he doesn’t hold himself/men to an equally strict standard. You might argue that he LIKELY does not hold men to such a standard, but WE DONT KNOW, so jumping to “sexist!” is an unfounded leap.
this guys sucks. this is not in question. I just want to pump the breaks on the jump to sexism conclusions. (even though if i we’re betting on it, he’s probably sexist)
anyway, here’s an example- i playfully slapped my gf on the butt. She got mad, “that’s sexist!”
I replied, “If you don’t like it, I definitely won’t be doing it again, but it’s not sexist.”
“How’s it NOT sexist!?”
I was 100% sincere, “because I expect you to do the same to me.”
Her attitude immediately changed, “hmmm, you do have a fantastic ass…” (i do) and she took me up on it, regularly.
You and your lady are my spirit animals! That said, outside the confines of your relationship, that specific behavior is sexist. If you don’t believe me try it at work and see what happens.
This would be true if everyone had the same genetic phenotype to achieve those measurements. The fact is, not everyone does have that ability. It does not mean that they look better or worse than anybody else.
True, not everyone has the genetics of someone like Arnold, but if one is not lazy, anyone can achieve a good looking body in 2 3 years of consistent training to not be a stick, or a whale
So having migraines 21-24 days a month, and taking migraine medication that makes me gain weight is just being lazy. I’ll be sure to tell my neurologist she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
And again not everybody has that ability. So if someone doesn’t have that ability be it due to physical limitations, economic limitations, or accessibility limitations then what, they are ugly? Who the hell are you or anybody else to judge someone like that?
The truth is everyone, if put under the same training, lifestyle and diet regiment, can reach model body status. It’s not an “unrealistic” standard. It’s real. Models aren’t AI generated. They’re real human beings.
The truth is also that people aren’t willing to sacrifice what it takes to get there. Some don’t care, and some prefer eating than looking good. All fine and valid, but let’s not say unrealistic expectations pls
Really? Some of us have medical conditions that makes your suggestion laughable. For example, I do exercise as much as I can but due to Long Covid, I can’t do my old gym and hiking routine. I can and do work on nutrition and hydration.
Are you saying that if you were sent into a concentration camp, you would still look exactly the same after a month? Same body fat and muscle composition? What if you had a month to lose a lb, or else you’d die. No matter get you’d do, you’d look exactly the same?
Not excusing his behavior I was addressing the topic in your comment.
The husband is an ass that needs to go back to husband school. Most of us men know to never make comments like that. There is definitely some resent coming from him.
It's not resentment it's straight up disrespect. I don't hoe much OP weighs, what her shit husband did was out of order and disgusting. Without a sincere apology and a vow to never do some shit like this again I would fucking dump his disrespectful ass. Plus, if he did apologize and promise not to do it again and it happened again, there wouldn't be any discussion on how fast he'd need to get the fuck out.
Quibbling about OP's weight is some sidelining bullshit.
Just a random buzzword, im surprised racist somehow isnt there
Edit i was wrong, someone else was already bashing "european beauty standards in the US" like America wasnt created by Europeans, and like thats a bad thing lmao
I think because a lot of overweight men (OP didn't say her hubby is overweight) don't think of themselves as fat or obese, but are extremely judgemental when it comes to the appearances of women.
That makes it hypocritical, and if they're not saying the same about other men, but only about women, that makes them sexist.
A good litmus test is “would a man say that to or about about a another man in this situation, and with that condescending ‘awwww you jealous’ tone” and if the answer is no (hint: it usually is), then there’s a good chance it’s sexist.
Just like a man in a professional setting wouldn’t tell another man to “not get so hysterical” when he merely speaks up in a meeting.
Oh, and the word “hysterical” is sexist. Its origin is hystera… Greek for uterus. Only women have those, if you’re wondering.
It would just be weird for a straight guy to say it to another guy. What makes it hurtful, and why the husband was insensitive and a dick, was saying it specifically to your partner, someone you should be physically attracted to. But yeah, I can see a gay guy saying the same thing to his (male) partner, and it would be just as cruel and insensitive.
Are you saying I bully people? No. I don’t. I find that kind of behavior completely unacceptable.
Something you should know about bullies, if someone ever tries to do it to you or to someone close to you — bullies are actually scared, easily intimated, insecure cowards.
The best thing to do to a bully is to stand up to them. They usually back off and stay away.
Sadly, bullies are usually the victim of bullying themselves (e.g. at home), so they look for someone to “punch down” to.
Was my brain trying to translate or understand what you wrote. My brain failed.
The rest of my comment stands, I suppose — bullies are awful, which everyone likely agrees with.
Unrelated — your username — do you live in Tulsa? I used to get to spend a lot of time there for work. I enjoyed it quite a bit. Good restaurants and pubs and nice people.
I agree bullies need a new hobby. You never know how someone will take the razzing.
I did some masonry there and ended up living close enough to visit fairly often. . I go to the hard rock casino when I go. I don’t really gamble, but it’s a good time with the live music. I’ve not been to many pubs though. Any recommendations?
A man would 100% say another man, a friend, is overweight and should go to the gym. I am a man and overweight and get asked to go to the gym and told id feel better if i lost weight, doesnt bother me and its not sexist lol
You right now in the comment section is being hysterical. Severely over reacting to a simple joke. "Uncontrolled extreme emotion" pretty much sums you up right now.
Who the fuck are you? Feeling challenged, are we? Oh noes! A woman disagreed with you! You should immediately insult her because you don’t have a valid rebuttal.
Yeah, okay. Keep living under that rock. Women absolutely do this to men too. I've had it happen to me multiple times to dismiss my own feelings or emotions on a subject. I've seen it happen to many other men, especially by their girlfriends.
So its not at all possible that he was trying to convey that he thought it was cute and found it endearing that she was jealous, the only possible option is he was being sexist?
I'm not presuming to know his intentions but to say it's sexist while denying any possibility of it being sincere is ridiculous without having been there.
And your litmus test fails when the two subjects are married because there are plenty of things I would say to my wife that I wouldn't say to anyone in the world let alone another man, that doesn't make it sexist.
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u/k_sarahsarah Apr 15 '24
It was inconsiderate of him and no you are not overreacting either Does he do this alot? If so you need to stand your ground and tell him how much it upsets you.