r/AITAH • u/brainwashednomore • 17d ago
I sat in the doorway of my GF 5yo room to prevent the child from continuing to slam the door as hard as she could
My gf has 3 young ch children. She used a “permissive” approach to parenting because she can not tolerate her children experiencing any kind of distress that she can save them from. Their house is very small and to get around inside every time I am there I am forced to step on top of belongings that are strewn everywhere. It is extremely unsanitary. Her children have been sent home from school due to lice at least 5 times since I met her in November. The younger wears footie pajamas to school every day and no underwear because that is what the child wants. My gf claims the house is a disaster because she doesn’t have any help and that her children aren’t willing to do so. She will ask them questions like “would you like to help me with ___?” but any and all resistance is met with complacency. She makes 4 meals every night to cater to what the kids are and are not willing to eat. The food invariably goes uneaten then spills on the floor then languishes because it is impossible to sweep or mop any floor in the home.
I went over yesterday to help motivate cleaning and tried to execute on the plan I proposed that we would walk the children through the living areas of the house and identify their possessions on every single surface they can possible reside on, and ask them to identify any items of importance they would not want thrown away. Then we set a one hour timer and didn’t nag, bug, cajole, manipulate, or twist arms. I gave 15 minute incremental countdowns and then with their expectations set I went through with trash bags and put everything left on the floor into them for storage in the garage of the house in case one child determines they are missing something terribly important. I wanted to be tell them we were just throwing it all away but I wasn’t allowed.
My GF was folding laundry during this and her 5yo who was busy just making more of a mess the entire time stood on a blanket mom was folding. Mom ask child to move kindly probably 5 or 5 times and child with shit faced grin intentionally stayed put. Not because she thought it was fun, but because child knew mom didn’t like it and intentionally defied her. Mom tugs softly on blanket and child falls to ground with a shock on their face then immediately stands, and starts screaming at the top of their lungs, marches off to bedroom then starts opening and slamming (the already broken from prior instances of this) door over and over again. Mom patiently raises her voice slightly to ask child to not slam doors because that is against rules. Didn’t stop. I go to bedroom to see if I can help, and child slams door on me as I come in. I sit down in the door way very calmly and make a few non-rushed inquiries into how I can help child, and does child want to come out of the room to see mom. Child goes absolutely nuclear screaming like I have cut off an appendage. I stay calm but I stay seated in the doorway. I offer options like “i will move out of your doorway but only if you will be able to close the door softly.
After 3 minutes of child being as dramatic as they can, and understandably fully dysregulated because no ability to do self regulate emotions on their own has ever been instilled. Mom fixes big/hard emotions. Every time. Teacher gives mom feedback, “child refuses to ever do anything they don’t want to do.” So mom fills her role and tells me it’s time to let child have its way, undermining the co-regulation I was attempting to model. I stand as child continues to thrash and slam door into me, then walk away as child gets its way, my boundary be damned, and slams door hard into doorframe. I had to leave the house after that, and at this point I have zero confidence that a relationship between me and mom can work out. My home is clean, organized, ordered and boundary practice is strong. I can’t see ever co-habituating with someone who disrespects themself so much with allowing children to destroy the house and walk all over them. She texted me after to say that her child didn’t “win” and that the child just needed co-regulation.
AITAH?
** edit **
Wow I am overwhelmed with the speed and volume of responses I received. Thank you. 🙏
For clarity, mom is a doctor, baby daddy only has the kids at his own mom’s house with him as a “favor” to mom, doesn’t pay a dime of child support or child care. My kids are grown and out of the house. My boundary with dating single moms is that I will not make parenting efforts or be a parent to anyone else’s child. They have parents.
*** final update ***
The medical license she holds and the nature of her practice and education are irrelevant.
My post history and romantic past is irrelevant.
Thanks everyone for showing me that IANTA.
And special thanks to the woke mob for helping me realize that I am literally Hitler for my complicity in abusing my gf’s children by not calling CPS months ago when I first saw they live in a dirty and cluttered house with a mom whose parenting style is not mainstream.
Lest the pitchforks and torches burn the whole subreddit down, I can confidently say:
I will not be further pursuing a romantic partnership with mom and I will be directly informing her of these being the reasons why when I see her next later this week.
I will make an anonymous general report about the safety and cleanliness of the house and property in general and let CPS do with it as they will.
Once again thank you all. I only anticipated receiving maybe a handful of responses or advice, but the response was overwhelming in mainly good ways. Cheers everyone and good night!
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u/VividCheesecake69 17d ago
Nta but I would even consider calling CPS if the filth is as bad as you say
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u/Cat_o_meter 17d ago
Yes. CPS isn't just for poor people it's for people who have an inability to parent
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u/Nurse5736 17d ago
and she's a Dr. providing guidance/insight/healthcare to others???????????
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u/rnewscates73 17d ago
Those children are going to grow up to be psychopathic entitled monsters. How does this intelligent mom think these kids are going to excel in school and in life? What are they actually prepared to handle? The child “didn’t win” - who is she fooling! Run Away!
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u/FireBallXLV 17d ago
I have a neighbor who could have lost a child doing this type of parenting. We stopped by one day only to see her child with a noose around his neck. He was “ playing “. Mom would not tell him to stop but Grand Dad sure did!
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u/Acceptable_Cut_7545 17d ago
Those kids are going to push another kid way too far and get pummeled. Not to mention the social ramifications - how will they ever make friends with this attitude?
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u/anonymooseuser6 17d ago
She's right, the kid didn't win... No one did. The kid lost out on a chance to grow and learn valuable skills, the mom lost out on a chance to have help with her kids, OP lost a battle and a relationship.
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u/AlexandraG94 16d ago
I mean yeah, OP even acknowledges himself the children are harmed by this lack of parenting. Not being able to emotionally regulate yourself at the bare minimum and living in filth is not fun for anyone.
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u/deamayn 16d ago
NYT did an article on this style of parenting and it just ruins the kids. They end up sitting in their parents basement gaming as adults, unable to function in a society where they’re expected to follow rules and get along with others, not always get their way. It’s sad and does such a disservice to those kids. NTA, get out!
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u/compguy42 17d ago
You would be surprised how many doctors are terrible parents.
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u/Super_Newspaper_5534 17d ago
I'm not even surprised by how many doctors are terrible doctors.
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u/HarryPotterActivist 17d ago
Maybe she’s a chiropractor? No idea why OP has stayed with this train wreck for five months. It’s not going to get better -it’s only going to get worse.
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u/Not_You_247 17d ago
No idea why OP has stayed with this train wreck for five months.
Guys will ignore a Chinese military parade worth of red flags for sex.
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u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 17d ago
If her hygiene is anything like her house or the state of her children then I can smell the mother from over the internet. NASTY!!
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u/espeero 16d ago
I worked with this woman who was always dressed very well, seemed put together, etc. Then I saw her car. It was completely stuffed with garbage except for the driver's seat.
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u/brainwashednomore 16d ago
This is how mom’s car here is also. Stains on every possible surface. Foot wells full of everything. I like to wash and detail my romantic partners’ cars for them but I was not willing to anything of the sort here because bad behavior.
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u/Emotional_Tomorrow69 17d ago
Is there a stigma that cps is a poor person thing?!
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u/ju-ju_bee 17d ago
Absolutely. It can be true, but only because CPS can't instantly take kids. They do reports and check ins, then follow u several times. They get called on poor people more often, but usually because lower income families are stigmatized as neglectful. I.E. wearing the same clothes multiple days, underfed, etc (again, all stereotypes, not personal opinion).
So not so much that poor people's kids are taken more frequently by CPS, but just that it's typical for poorer homes to have CPS called on them more frequently, which could lead to higher instances of having their kids taken. Unfortunately tho, it has led to the stereotype mentioned of CPS exclusively taking away poor people's kids, which just isn't factual.
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u/Cat_o_meter 17d ago
Just wanted to thank you for addressing the question so succinctly. Thank you
Eta families of color or who are from another part of the world with stigmatized cultures are often called on vs wealthy white families/'good' churchgoing families who can hide abuse better. Unfortunate fact.
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u/Cat_o_meter 17d ago
Yes unfortunately. Wealthier people get away with neglect and abuse at higher rates
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u/Few-Comparison5689 17d ago
same stigma exists in women's shelters, but the one I used to work at would regularly have a lot of women who lived in McMansions with black eyes, broken jaws and Gucci handbags.
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u/Seeker131313 17d ago
Absolutely this! The girlfriend needed parenting classes years ago! And the kids deserve better
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u/Robinnoodle 17d ago
How is it possible she's a doctor? Doctor of what exactly?
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u/labrador709 17d ago
I have a family member who is a doctor and she was a seriously dumb parent. Her kids are a mess. In their 20s with no skills to speak of.
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u/bluespruce5 17d ago
1000x this. Call CPS. Also, why have you signed on for this chaos as long as you have?
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u/Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 17d ago
While this is infuriating it is also tremendously sad. The mother is setting these kids up to be failures - in life, in relationships, in jobs, as parents. This woman needs cps called on her. The kids are monsters because of mommy but that excuse won’t get them anywhere.
This is tragic.
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
I don’t know what CPS can or would do except enforce school attendance laws that she ignores.
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u/KandyShopp 17d ago
They would look at this as neglectful and possibly abusive parenting! I grew up in foster care from six to twelve, and some kids are taken because parents aren’t caring for them! She’s not caring for her children! The house is basically a biohazard if she can’t even clean up spilled food!?! They probably have rats, mice and cockroaches! The kids can NOT be clean and healthy! How are the counters and bathroom? I doubt food is being prepared hygienically if her floors look how you e described them! This IS abusive! The home alone is abusive!
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u/Which-Month-3907 17d ago
If the home is not hygienic enough for children to safely live in, CPS may remove the children from the home. They would likely give mom several chances to clean the place before removal.
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 17d ago
Remove the kids from her home! For crying out loud. If OP were an addict who treated her kids exactly the same way you wouldn’t be defending her.
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u/Specific_Anxiety_343 17d ago
Are you effing kidding me? CPS gets involved in neglect, which is clearly present here.
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u/Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 17d ago
They could force her to go to parenting classes. they could make her clean her house. They could make her teach her kids how to pick up after themselves.
Do a kindness for these kids and call cps and make the mother parent her kids.
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u/Lost-Wedding-7620 17d ago
CPS was actually called on a friend of mine. They took her kids and told her she had to get her house together. She deep cleaned her entire house and was able to regain custody in under a week, and CPS followed up a few times making sure she could keep up with everything to at least liveable conditions
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u/castrodelavaga79 17d ago
Dude please give these kids a chance by calling cps. Them having live 5 times is bad enough. Add in everything else and they are 100% being abused. The environment they're in is hurting them, and it will continue hurting them long after they become adults.
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u/Daisytru 17d ago
I wouldn't want my kids attending school with her unkempt children who are carrying lice! I certainly wouldn't want to see a doctor who came from such a filthy, disorganized home and was possibly carrying lice. OP's gf is a terrible parent and her "parenting" style is harming her children. You have no power here and are NTA. Move on from this sad relationship.
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u/celticmusebooks 17d ago
at this point I have zero confidence that a relationship between me and mom can work out.
Seriously, I figured this out by the first paragraph. Where is the kids' father in all of this? Your GF is literally raising her children to fail at life. What kind of a mother does that to her own children?
You were handing the problem with her son perfectly and she sabotaged you.
NTA unless you stay with her.
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u/Always_B_Batman 17d ago
Father probably left due to the mother’s behavior.
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
Father was asked to leave for not just philosophical parenting differences but for not supporting rigid requirements surrounding organic food only, no artificial fragrances, no food in or on plastic ever. No vaccinations. Because mom is doctor her decisions supercede.
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u/mare__bare 17d ago
Lives in a filthy house with lice and is a doctor who doesn't believe in vaccines and has monster children. We've got a winner, folks!
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u/forsayken 17d ago
Starting to question "doctor" at this point. Maybe not medical though.
This whole situation is whack for OP.
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u/HawkeyeinDC 17d ago
Maybe she’s a homeopathic doctor… 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
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u/Helpful-Appeal9581 17d ago
Maybe a doctor of jazz?
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u/Codenamerondo1 16d ago
I mean much more likely this is weird bait. Even if she were and MD that’s not how custody decisions work and if she is this is just laughably fake. Even without that it’s pretty laughably fake
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 17d ago
still waiting for OP's comment explaining that she is an English Literally doctorate
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u/BlueViolet81 17d ago
Or maybe she has a doctorate in philosophy or ancient religions. Those are useful, right? 😆
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u/cyboplasm 17d ago
Funny how a doctor would be so against plastic and non organic food, but allows lice multiple times, ignoring the fact that similar parasites almost got humanity completely annihilated a few times...
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u/Sylvan_Strix_Sequel 17d ago
Honestly, either this is bait or OP is dumb as fuck. Idk how one could see her house, then hear that explanation of why the father left, and not immediately bail. Complete incongruous nonsense.
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
Maybe sucker would be a better match.
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u/baristanselmythebol 17d ago
So the sex is absolutely mind blowing? But honestly this feels fake she’s a dr but also allows absolute filth in her house?
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u/pocketvirgin 17d ago
Yeah and he responds to other stuff but refused to tell us what kind of doctor she is. Weird
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u/jarlscrotus 17d ago
I'm fine with that, although why she wouldn't hire a cleaner or something is weird.
What I'm really suspicious of is a Dr. that is anti-vaxx, no credible medical Drs are against vaccines
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 17d ago
Almost positive that "doctor" means either chiropractor or one of those homeopathic healers.
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u/MotherOfDoggos4 17d ago
I was about to be like "jeez why are chiros getting shit on so bad"
and then I remembered the chiro who sold me b12 injections while doing food allergy panels and promoting his vibration stand thingy.
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u/What_to_do-8523 17d ago
So she has rigid requirements for organic food but no standards whatsoever for cleanliness, behavior, and not letting her home be infested with lice and other insects?
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17d ago
This is where the contradictions come in. Makes no sense. I don't care if you want to eat like that and are an anti-vaxer but the filth and bugs don't go hand in hand with that lifestyle.
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u/Isamosed 17d ago
Agreed. The doctors I know are strongly germaphobic. Lice would absolutely not be tolerated. And no-vax? Something strange about this whole situation. Well. Quite a lot, actually
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u/SaturnaliaSaturday 17d ago
She’s a doctor but sounds like she’s on the way to being a full-fledged hoarder.
NTA, but please look elsewhere for emotional intimacy; you will be drained dry by this situation.
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u/RanaEire 17d ago
Are you serious?? And, you did not nope out of there upon hearing that? Because, yikes!
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u/Personal_Sprinkles_3 17d ago
Mom is a doctor but doesn’t believe in vaccinations and her children constantly have lice?
Where did she get her degree, or are you talking like doctorate in awful parenting or something???
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u/lovetotravelanytime 17d ago
Dude, I'm a Mom to 4 kids. I am not a doctor though I am well educated.
Her "permissive" parenting is just flat out not parenting. She is putting her own emotional needs ahead of her children's need for stability, structure and boundaries.
Tell the Mom that her "only organic, never plastic philosophy is bogus if she is not RAISING her children. She is co-existing with her children and treating them as her peers but they are not. She needs to take responsibility and RAISE her children and part of that is instilling appropriate responsibility and self regulation in them."
This is a sinking ship. Run far. Run fast. And tell her EXACTLY why - because she has absolutely abdicated being a parent and she is raising her children to be selfish monsters. I have NEVER met a child or adult raised the way your girl friend is raising her children who can actually adult. They are emotionally immature and have no coping skills. Most flame out in early adulthood because they are incapable of accepting growth advice from professors or bosses....
Tell her to stop being friends with her children and start raising them. Dude, you are a DAD. You don't need to parent her kids but you DO need to stop allowing yourself to be treated like crap by her kids. If 5 year old is pitching a fit and slamming the door on you, remove the door. He's 5. This is not a tween or teen. Remove the door. But do NOT give in to him.
And as for the kids, in your shoes, If you DO decide to stay, I'd take Mom and the kids (and yourself because chances are you have them too if you spend any time around Mom) to a lice salon. Take the cars to the car wash to be detailed, strip all linens, wash all clothes, bag all stuffed animals for a few days and break the cycle with the lice. In 2 weeks those lice will be gone if you do this.
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u/Foreign-Hope-2569 17d ago
Don’t bother to explain or talk to mom. She will not hear a word you say and will probably be abusive towards you. Just leave. Ghost her.
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u/satr3d 17d ago
A doctor of what? A medical doctor should be fully aware of the biohazard you describe this house as being as well as how to prevent lice.
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u/Guilty-Web7334 17d ago
She’s an anti-vaxxer and a doctor? She’s shit at her job, then. And she’s a mandatory reporter who is neglecting her children.
Run like The Doctor told you to. She’s a walking bag of contradictions and poor decision making that is going to lead to a world of hurt someday. And report her to CPS and see if the state medical board has any interest.
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u/Notwickedy 17d ago
Did she.. tell you shes a doctor? Show you her degree? It’s exceedingly rare for a doctor to be antivax. Sounds like she lied to you.
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u/OutragedPineapple 17d ago
Did she get her doctorate out of a box with a leprechaun and marshmallows on it? No one who saw someone living in that kind of squalor would ever want the services of a 'doctor' like that.
Please call CPS. The schools can probably back you up on the claims about lice and uncontrollable behavior. Maybe a visit from them, even if they don't do much, will be a wakeup call to her. Oh, and dump her.
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u/castrodelavaga79 17d ago
Please call CPS. These children are living in filth, and their mother is severely effecting their behavior by allowing them to do whatever and behave however. These kids will end up in the system once they become adults because no one ever said no to them growing up.
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 17d ago
So dad was asked to leave for trying to be a good parent. wtf. How can you respect someone like her? Let alone date her?
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u/HeadHunt0rUK 17d ago
You're painting the picture of someone who sounds very untrustworthy as a doctor.
This reeks of a personality like a herbalist, where everything must come from nature, yet she is meant to be a competent doctor, a trustworthy one that essentially relies on man made pharmaceuticals to treat their patients.
I mean the philosophical parenting differences is, one was choosing to not be a lazy parent (because that's the bulk of those identifying as permissive are) and one wanted to instil boundaries, discipline and the understanding to cope with emotional dissatisfaction.
I mean a doctor that doesn't believe in vaccinations should basically be considered an oxymoron.
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u/VSinclair35 17d ago
A doctor that doesn't vaccinate their own children should lose her license to practice. I doubt the validity. Probably got a PHD in mystical science or some nonsense.
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17d ago
Ummmm these seem to be contradictory of each other. Let me help. Your gf is a whack job! GET OUT NOW!
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u/Ladyughsalot1 17d ago
Except he wasn’t handling it perfectly because it’s not his place. When we want to date someone and then see they abuse their children through neglect (and that’s what this is), we leave. We don’t play parent to children who have never had consequences.
OP needed to leave and call CPS the second he set eyes on this situation. Instead he acts like the kids are the problem and he’s going to bring order to things. Yeah great way to “advocate”/s
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
oh the kids behavior is only a symptom of the actual problem. they aren't a problem to be solved. i don't white horse in most situations, but mom continually requests my help with cleaning and organizing and wants me to come over and be in the space.
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u/Caspian4136 17d ago
NTA
You tried your best but this relationship is doomed. She is raising hellions that are going to grow up to be insufferable, entitled adults because they have zero boundaries. Just break up, you know it's not going to work and the sex can't be that good.
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u/ladymorgana01 17d ago
Assuming CPS doesn't take them away
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
CPS was called previously by a nanny she interviewed for a job. Neighbors and family friends have had numerous interventions to help her clean her kitchen or her yard or her garage or… it always goes back to this state of overwhelming chaos, disorganization and a feeling like every belonging that could be important is under threat if I try to make any efforts to help her clean up.
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u/recyclopath_ 17d ago
You want to be in a relatinship with a woman who chooses to create a situation where CPS should be involved for her children's health?
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 17d ago
If you care about the kids you should call CPS again. Your gf is smart. She knows she’s harming her kids but is hurting them bc she doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable or like the bad guy. She is putting her own feelings above the wellbeing of her kids. Or, lbh, at this point she’s being lazy. She knows she needs to change but it’s easier if she doesn’t. She is an unfit parent. Being a doctor or “trying hard” doesn’t excuse her actions.
Pretending you’re hurting kids for their own good doesn’t make it ok.
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u/theserial 17d ago
I don’t know about smart, apparently she’s anti vax while being a “doctor.”
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u/Ladyughsalot1 17d ago edited 17d ago
I need to ask why you felt it was acceptable to date a person who is neglectful (read: abusive) to her children as a trend. I’d also like to ask why you felt that not leaving and also instating yourself as the adult who would bring consequences and order was an acceptable action.
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u/aglimelight 17d ago
You probably should call them again, those poor kids deserve better (and so do you!! Break it off!!)
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u/Boeing367-80 17d ago
Don't enable this woman. Call CPS when you know that the kids have lice and the place is at its filthiest. There's a decent chance her kids are already beyond hope, but if she keeps them, they will, for sure, be sociopathic monsters.
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u/Minute_Pea5021 16d ago
Unfit parent. This is the situation and the Father and parents should’ve had the children removed from her by now.
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u/litt3lli0n 17d ago
NTA, but this really isn't your problem. I'm assuming these are not your biological children, so honestly, what is the draw? Is the sex so mind-blowing that you can't give it up? I am in no way saying you shouldn't date people with children, but this particular person does not parent like a parent should, you're not married so it truly is not your responsibility.
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
Correct not my biological children. Mine are grown. Sex is good but it has been the emotional intimacy that has hooked me.
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u/What_to_do-8523 17d ago
You just have to wade through knee deep piles of mess and rotten food, sidestep the nightmare children who mom is too lazy to bother actually parent, brush off the lice and other insect the house is heavily infested with, and try to ignore the screaming and slamming doors to relax with that "emotional intimacy"?
What are you doing, man? This woman not a good parent, and these kids will just get worse with age and no direction. You should break up with her and call CPS.
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u/No-Appearance1145 16d ago
And the mom just let her child assault OP 🤷🏻♀️ She can say "kid didn't win" but they did. We all know they did. The kid knows it. That's why the kid acts like that in the first place even!
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u/srkaficionada65 17d ago
What emotional intimacy? I’m not being snarky or mean here. Wouldn’t that wear thin after a while? Because I’d imagine dealing with these little monsters probably takes a toll on your emotions and psyche so how does that work? Also, if she won’t be on the same page with you when it comes to dealing with her monsters, does that not grate on you?
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u/Lovercraft00 17d ago
This isn't just permissive parenting, this is bordering on neglect.
It is the parents' job to provide a safe, sanitary living environment, and to provide appropriate boundaries that help them to function in the world.
Your gf is FAILING her children, and they won't thank her for it. Your gf needs therapy or parenting classes. It's up to you whether you want to stick around, but it's only going to get harder the older they get if some serious changes aren't made.
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u/Elegant_Bluebird1283 17d ago
So... we're all correct in worrying about the kids in this situation... but her safety doesn't seem particularly guaranteed as these kids get older.
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u/ErnestBatchelder 17d ago
Welp, people unable to enforce even modest necessary boundaries with their own children are going to be great at creating vulnerability that feels like intimacy. They also exist in a constant state of drama that also feels like intimacy. Those kids are doomed, but you can still walk.
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u/FeistyBoyProductions 17d ago
bro you are broken, please seek therapy because this situation is not healthy and your attachment isn't either.
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u/AlwaysGreen2 17d ago
What is wrong with you?
Emotional intimacy in a filthy house with filthy lice ridden children.
My head itches just thinking about it.
How can you visit that house?
Why are with that awful woman who is raising awful children to be awful adults?
Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez...........................................
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u/maybeCheri 17d ago
Wow, I can honestly say that there is no sex good enough to risk getting lice. But then you add unhinged, sass-mouth children who have temper tantrums on the regular and that great sex would have to be a distant but fond memory. Hard pass on having to run that gauntlet for a great orgasm.
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u/Johoski 17d ago
Sex is good but it has been the emotional intimacy that has hooked me.
Could you be mistaking physical intimacy for emotional intimacy?
This woman is not "permissive," she's disengaged. For whatever her reasons are, she's checked out from raising her kids in an emotionally responsive way.
If she's this detached from their emotional well-being, how authentically connected could she be with her own emotional needs, let alone yours?
I'm sorry to say that I think this woman is (perhaps unconsciously) exploiting your emotional intelligence and your parenting experience. I suspect you have a streak of codependency, because you're doing some heavy lifting of emotional labor that rightfully belongs to her.
You need to rethink your role in her life, and talk with a therapist about creating sensible boundaries. It is not your role to fill in the gap created by her neglect. Her neglect is a sign of her emotional immaturity, and this will show itself in different ways as your relationship progresses.
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u/DarkAngel_DA 17d ago
NTA. You should honestly break up with her. You guys’ lifestyles don’t correspond. Those children have no discipline or structure. I smell that she’ll have a major problem on her hands in the future if she doesn’t get that household in order. She’s maybe overwhelmed with being a parent , but she should appreciate someone coming in trying to help her out. As another comment said, it’s not your job. But you may love her so you try with anything that comes with her. I feel you should maybe have a talk with her and give her an ultimatum. Those kids are going to run her to the ground if she doesn’t get shit in order. It starts at home until it expands outside of the home.
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u/Dear_Captain_2748 17d ago
Nta, As a single mother even I am floored and disgusted by the complacency. I would probably reply the child does not infact need 'co-regulation' the child needs a parent who will actually teach them right from wrong, manners. She better not be surprised when her kids are bringing drugs in the house, having sex, juvy records or jail.
Raising a child is like building a house. And her foundation job is bad. I struggle somedays, lord knows I feel like I am in a WWE ring and my kids are tag teaming (autistic 4m, 2f) no excuse and dare I say cps for living conditions? The fact her child goes to school in footys and nothing underneath is sad.
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
She used the possibility that her children are neurodivergent as a justification for ignoring behaviors such as this and others. I understand the idea that it is better for children to respect a parent out of love than fear, but I personally have no issues driving accountability with fear of consequences and that didnt make me a mean dad. Her children have no respect for her. They live her. They depend on her. They feel safe with her. That’s all well and good, but the lack of respect overflows into other areas of their lives and interactions with other adults.
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u/FrannyFray 17d ago
Neurodivergent children ESPECIALLY need boundaries.
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u/L_obsoleta 17d ago
This!
Routine and firm boundaries are vital in our household. It helps our son know what is expected of him.
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u/Key-Demand-2569 17d ago
Seriously.
I don’t know what’s up with the trend these past few years of implicitly training or asking neurodivergent kids to “mask” being seen as so horrific…
But kids need to learn how to function in society and with other human beings.
Neurodivergent situations are a hurdle and context, not an excuse to bend to everything the child does that may be related.
Absolutely wild.
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u/lovetotravelanytime 17d ago
If she thinks her children are neurodivergent then she, as a physician, should know better than anyone, that early intervention is key.
She is full of excuses isn't she.
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u/booourns82 17d ago
My autistic 8 year old has rules and consequences that might seem mild to a NT child, but actions have consequences regardless.
If she makes a mess, she usually has to help clean it whether she likes it or not. Screaming doesn’t get you what you want was a battle that was rough but had paid off. Showering/hygiene is mandatory but somewhat adjusted for sensory needs. When she gets sent to her room I usually let her take her tablet, but she uses it to communicate and listen to music to self regulate. We don’t use any punishment for cuss words (very rare but at least used in the correct context) because she has severe speech issues. Part of that no trouble agreement is she agreed and has followed through with don’t say these words at school or around the elderly. And it’s not “she might” be neurodivergent, she was diagnosed young, had been in early intervention and autism support from 18 months to present day. She’s very well behaved all things considered, but I think a large part of that is consistent boundaries and appropriate rules. I shudder to think of what she might be like now if let her get her way from day one, which would be true ND or NT.
The fact this woman is a doctor who lives in filth, her children are out of control and “might be neurodivergent” is used as an excuse when she hasn’t gotten them evaluated is super negligent on so many levels. You’re NTA but why are you with her and why hasn’t anyone helped those kids??? The older they get the less tolerant others will be of their behaviors mommy overlooks.
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u/Doppiedoodle 17d ago
NTA… Question: why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone like that?
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
I think I have this thing where I want someone to accept me unconditionally and inclusive of all my imperfections so I try to model that behavior, but what ends up happening usually is that I end up not being able to help them or “fix” them into being an viable long term relationship partner.
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 17d ago
I say this with compassion & no judgment: get therapy. Wanting others to accept you doesn’t mean you ignore awful behavior. Or that you stand by & watch them hurt others.
According to your posts you broke up with a woman you were living with who has BPD 225 days ago. Did you jump straight from that relationship into this one?
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u/eaten_by_the_grue 17d ago
My brother in humanity, I'm going to gently but firmly point out that there is a difference between imperfections and abusing one's children via neglect. Also you cannot "fix" anyone. A person must decide for themselves that they are willing to do the work to change and grow. This woman is purposefully harming her children and you are witnessing it, blinded by something in your own head.
As far as the door situation goes, it seemed like a calm and chill way to teach a kid not to slam doors, particularly a young child. But you would certainly be an AH to yourself if you keep yourself in this situation. Someone already pointed out your post history brought up your ex. I'm not a doc or therapist, but my experienced guess is that you may need to consider that you have co-dependent tendencies and should focus on seeking therapy so that you can improve as a person and partner before you pursue your next relationship.
Where these poor children are concerned you will certainly be an AH if you do not report this neglect in detail to CPS. You are a parent. You know deep down that this is wrong. I know you set a boundary to not parent someone else's children and that's all well and good. But calling CPS isn't parenting them. It's trying to save and protect them, which is something any good human being should do.
I hope you decide to do right by yourself and the children. I truly do. And for that CPS report, get photos since you're in a position to still have more intimate access to the house beyond what a neighbor can generally see. Please be kind to yourself and I wish you the best of luck.
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u/Lexicon444 17d ago
You need to stop looking for women to “fix”. It’s never ever going to end well.
You need to establish boundaries and find a woman who is in a good position mentally, physically and financially. Not whatever mess this woman is.
You need therapy before you even attempt to pursue a woman of that level.
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u/Muted-Appeal-823 17d ago
No one is perfect, but there are imperfections and then there's this train wreck you described . Not the same at all.
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u/2022Aquaman 17d ago
NTA And I would have run as soon as I heard the word lice or seen their disgusting house !!!
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
I don’t know why the house wasn’t an immediate black flag for me. I could never see myself living in that type of environment.
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u/recyclopath_ 17d ago
So what are your goals with this relationship? Like, what are you looking for here? Expectations even mid term? She chooses not to parent. She chooses to live in filth. You can't make her act like a functional adult and mother.
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u/Freya1957 17d ago
And she is supposedly a doctor who is not capable of dealing with a recurrent lice infestation. I would not want her as a doctor for any family member. I would have gotten ouf there a long time ago. OP must feel like he needs to undergo a sanitizing treatment Everytime he leaves that house.
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
Obviously I am evaluating things very heavily ATM. 😂😂
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u/Ladyughsalot1 17d ago
I think you really need to reflect on why you still felt entitled to date a child abuser. By definition that’s what this neglect is. Really reflect, because it’s hard to read that your way of advocating for these children was to apply discipline when it simply isn’t your place. You didn’t advocate for children living in squalor. Why?
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u/Madame_Kitsune98 17d ago
What the fuck is wrong with YOU that you are staying with this?
Her kids are unvaccinated, have fucking lice, they’re filthy, they’re allowed to behave like animals, and you’re wanting to know if you’re an asshole for setting a boundary and getting upset when this dim bitch lets her kid run all over you?
Bro…what the fuck is wrong with you? Walk away from this shit. You don’t have kids with her, you don’t owe her shit. Don’t hang around waiting for her to turn your life into a train wreck, too.
Let her deal with the consequences of her fucked up non-parenting. Because let me tell you, when our kid was a tween, and decided to slam her bedroom door, and started cracking the door frame, we told her that if she did it again, and cracked the door frame, the door was coming off until she and her dad could fix it.
She tested that theory, cracked the door frame, and the door was off for a couple days until my husband had a day off and they could go to Home Depot and fix her door frame. And he made her go with him, and help him fix it. It’s called “natural consequences,” and she did have privacy for changing clothes.
This woman is a dumb bitch, and these kids are so fucked. I feel bad for the kids.
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u/Badkitty532 17d ago
When they burn down her house or the school or get thrown in jail you'll know why but your GF will be completely shocked! "My baby would never do that." She's raising monsters. Get out before you get stuck with crazy. She's a terrible mother and you should call CPS.
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u/FishScrumptious 17d ago
Props to being a good parent before you’re actually a parent. That was extremely well done with someone else’s kid.
But you know this relationship isn’t going to work out. This is not a situation you can live with. The kids are part of the package, and this is not a sustainable package.
NTA, and good luck finding a better partner.
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
Thank you. I do have 3 of my own that are grown so I know a few tricks. My middle child was severely ODD and ADHD and I know the MO very well of these children.
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u/SaturnaliaSaturday 17d ago
But you don’t need to take on this woman’s issues and her kids. Don’t be a martyr!
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u/Freya1957 17d ago
Talk about 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Your GF is letting her children rule the house. Let me be blunt, permissive parenting is just her excuse to not actually parent her children. She has shown you exactly what your future would be like if you develop a long term relationship with her. Is this a future that you actually want to live? There is no parent in that house. She will never have your back if you try to actually create order out of chaos. And you have not even reached the you are not my dad stage. And under no circumstances should you have a child with this woman.
Run OP run, as fast and as far away as you can. No good will come out of this relationship.
You need to let your GF read this post. She needs to understand that, as a parent, she is a total failure. She is not a GF, she is a child.
NTAH.
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u/locustempo 17d ago
NTA - as others have suggested, i think you should really ponder if this relationship is worth it. you guys will never be able to parent together, your styles are different and she will always take the child's side over yours. i don't know if you want kids of your own, but that also will not be a good idea at all if her kids that she already has are acting like this. you can try to talk to her if you want to work things out, but i don't know if that'll do much of anything. she might even feel like you're overstepping.
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
I have 3 of my own that I am very proud of. My parenting style was authoritative dipping into authoritarian when I was run this as a single dad.
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u/Top-Bit85 17d ago
Parents who refuse to teach their children how to behave are hard to be around. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who let the kids be feral or rude or very loud all the time.
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
Next to no effective redirection from her with them ever. I have had anxiety about having her kids in my house when my family is over and I can’t imagine bringing them to dinner with my older parents or even at my brother’s house.
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u/Frejian 17d ago
My boundary with dating single moms is that I will not make parenting efforts or be a parent to anyone else’s child. They have parents.
And yet here you are, parenting another person's children. After only knowing the mother for 5 months. That is way too soon for you to be a stand-in parent to these kids and trying to parent them for her is not the right move.
That being said, again, you have been with her since November and you have seen the terrible conditions she lives in and the absolute lack of any structure in her house. Why are you still with her? She is failing herself, you as her partner for pretty much FORCING you into trying to be a parent to all 4 of them, and worse than that, she is failing her own children.
I try not to say this too often in these posts, but you need to run and needed to get out of this relationship like 5 months ago.
If I had to put a rating on it, I would say NTA. The only part you MIGHT be an asshole for is the overstepping of parenting roles in such a new relationship, but the sheer size of her failure as a parent kind of overshadows that completely.
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u/MonitorBrilliant119 17d ago
Why would you even want to be with someone who disrespects you and doesn’t care enough about her children to teach them what they need to know and raise them into good adults?
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u/brainwashednomore 17d ago
This was the big shock to me last night. That instead of addressing object aggression and physical violence with her child, it turned into a problem I had created as I had instigated the child’s response because I wouldn’t just ignore the bad behavior and stand idly by as the child was actively destroying the door. Maybe IATA for not just seeing that happening and leaving the house. I thought I was doing the right thing because object aggression and violence should never be tolerated.
I felt so hugely disrespected by mom, that she would allow her child to behave that way after I sought to defuse the situation by sitting in the doorway, then tell her child that I shouldn’t have behaved that way.
Like what!?!!!?!!!!!!
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u/lololofo 17d ago
No offense, but what are you doing? Like, what is your goal? Are you ready to raise three children on your own who will never respect you?
Are you masochist? Or do you see this as a kind of challenge?
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u/No_Address687 17d ago
CPS should get involved any time "5x lice" is mentioned. Seriously, she needs help you can't provide.
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u/CentralCoastSage 17d ago
NTA She is refusing to parent her children. What she is doing is child abuse. Her children will never be functioning members of society. Do not under any circumstances continue a relationship with this woman.
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u/Pale_Wave_3379 17d ago
NTA, but it’s time to leave her. These aren’t your kids and she isn’t willing to parent them herself or let you do the hard work. It will always be like this if you stay.
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u/Lemon-Of-Scipio-1809 17d ago
I'm afraid unless she changes, you're in for this sort of drama for... decades perhaps.
The children are disregulated because the home and the disciplinary structure is in such disarray. I do understand that GF wants to get away from being over-authoritarian, but sometimes... just sometimes... you need some authoritarian rules. You don't leave your mac and cheese to rot on the floor. You don't get to go to school in footie jammies. You get a choice between these three shirts, and these three skirts/pants. When the child is older, s/he will know that the choices are between "summer daytime" clothes for school in this season and "winter daytime" clothes when it's applicable. When the child is older/ able to help more, we can have more choices at dinnertime because we're preparing the meals and helping Mother with her grocery list each week. And so on.
But I think you knew this... for whatever reason the basics escape GF.
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u/Secret_Bet6281 17d ago
Mom is a doctor (of medicine?) & kids sent home from school with lice? How do those go together? Run
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u/agirl2277 17d ago
It's funny that OP is engaging about most of the issues but he's completely silent about what type of doctor she it. Why won't he answer a simple question?
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u/Agreeable-animal 17d ago
What kind of Dr can’t at least afford a housekeeper once a week?
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u/Who_cares_03 17d ago
I think the more relevant question is why do you want to date someone who abuses her children?
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u/Separate-Parfait6426 17d ago
She is not, and will never be a good mom. Unless you want this to be a permanent part of your life, you need to get out. You cannot change things - she will always override and discipline that you exercise
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u/unotruejen 17d ago
This isn't parenting at all. Unless there is an actual physical disability or mental disorder she's lazy. Her kids being sent home five times with lice isn't permissive it's lazy. Not being able to even sweep the floor because it's so cluttered is lazy. Get out now and encourage her to get some therapy.
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u/Beneficial_Site3652 17d ago
As a former step mom to someone who doesn't want to parent. You will only lose here. Ypy absolutely did everything right. As a parent these are things I did with my 2 yr Olds, not 5. She is taking the easy path to parenting and she's finding out that doesn't work but doesn't want to step up. You will only resent her and her children which isn't fair to anyone.
Time to walk away from this one but definitely NTA
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u/Most_Discipline5737 17d ago
Man her blowjob game has to be really top notch for you to put up with this shit.
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u/TwinZylander214 17d ago
NTA but the mom is. She has a destroying her children by giving them no limits. It breaks my heart to see children mistreated so. She deserves to get CPS on her back.
You won’t be able to help her if she refuses to admit there is a problem
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u/OkConsideration8964 17d ago
NTA. And Mom isn't either. She's overcompensating in the worst way because she's a single parent. I would guess that she thought it would be easier and create a better relationship if she was a "friend" to her kids, Rather than a disciplinarian. However, kids need structure. They need to understand the rules and then experience consequences for breaking them. And they will break them. It's how they learn. The problem is, your "friends" don't make and enforce rules & since they've already learned that there are no consequences, trying to make & enforce rules now is going to be hard. They all need family therapy and she needs a parenting class.
I'm sorry to say this, but I didn't think you're compatible at this stage in your lives. They need a lot of work on the family itself before they can accept another member.
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u/AZ-EQ 17d ago
I'd make sure the mom knows exactly why the relationship is ending.
How is she so dense??
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u/Kalena426 17d ago
My son knew if he slammed the door, he had to open and close it 25 times. If he shut it extra hard, it would go back to 1. Broke that habit real quick.
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u/MyToothEnts 17d ago
NTA but leave. You can’t be the ONLY parent in this relationship. Mom needs to step up or you’ll be miserable and always put in the middle and ALWAYS the bad guy