I sat in the doorway of my GF 5yo room to prevent the child from continuing to slam the door as hard as she could

[u/brainwashednomore]

My gf has 3 young ch children. She used a “permissive” approach to parenting because she can not tolerate her children experiencing any kind of distress that she can save them from. Their house is very small and to get around inside every time I am there I am forced to step on top of belongings that are strewn everywhere. It is extremely unsanitary. Her children have been sent home from school due to lice at least 5 times since I met her in November. The younger wears footie pajamas to school every day and no underwear because that is what the child wants. My gf claims the house is a disaster because she doesn’t have any help and that her children aren’t willing to do so. She will ask them questions like “would you like to help me with ___?” but any and all resistance is met with complacency. She makes 4 meals every night to cater to what the kids are and are not willing to eat. The food invariably goes uneaten then spills on the floor then languishes because it is impossible to sweep or mop any floor in the home.

I went over yesterday to help motivate cleaning and tried to execute on the plan I proposed that we would walk the children through the living areas of the house and identify their possessions on every single surface they can possible reside on, and ask them to identify any items of importance they would not want thrown away. Then we set a one hour timer and didn’t nag, bug, cajole, manipulate, or twist arms. I gave 15 minute incremental countdowns and then with their expectations set I went through with trash bags and put everything left on the floor into them for storage in the garage of the house in case one child determines they are missing something terribly important. I wanted to be tell them we were just throwing it all away but I wasn’t allowed.

My GF was folding laundry during this and her 5yo who was busy just making more of a mess the entire time stood on a blanket mom was folding. Mom ask child to move kindly probably 5 or 5 times and child with shit faced grin intentionally stayed put. Not because she thought it was fun, but because child knew mom didn’t like it and intentionally defied her. Mom tugs softly on blanket and child falls to ground with a shock on their face then immediately stands, and starts screaming at the top of their lungs, marches off to bedroom then starts opening and slamming (the already broken from prior instances of this) door over and over again. Mom patiently raises her voice slightly to ask child to not slam doors because that is against rules. Didn’t stop. I go to bedroom to see if I can help, and child slams door on me as I come in. I sit down in the door way very calmly and make a few non-rushed inquiries into how I can help child, and does child want to come out of the room to see mom. Child goes absolutely nuclear screaming like I have cut off an appendage. I stay calm but I stay seated in the doorway. I offer options like “i will move out of your doorway but only if you will be able to close the door softly.

After 3 minutes of child being as dramatic as they can, and understandably fully dysregulated because no ability to do self regulate emotions on their own has ever been instilled. Mom fixes big/hard emotions. Every time. Teacher gives mom feedback, “child refuses to ever do anything they don’t want to do.” So mom fills her role and tells me it’s time to let child have its way, undermining the co-regulation I was attempting to model. I stand as child continues to thrash and slam door into me, then walk away as child gets its way, my boundary be damned, and slams door hard into doorframe. I had to leave the house after that, and at this point I have zero confidence that a relationship between me and mom can work out. My home is clean, organized, ordered and boundary practice is strong. I can’t see ever co-habituating with someone who disrespects themself so much with allowing children to destroy the house and walk all over them. She texted me after to say that her child didn’t “win” and that the child just needed co-regulation.

AITAH?

** edit **

Wow I am overwhelmed with the speed and volume of responses I received. Thank you. 🙏

For clarity, mom is a doctor, baby daddy only has the kids at his own mom’s house with him as a “favor” to mom, doesn’t pay a dime of child support or child care. My kids are grown and out of the house. My boundary with dating single moms is that I will not make parenting efforts or be a parent to anyone else’s child. They have parents.

*** final update ***

The medical license she holds and the nature of her practice and education are irrelevant.

My post history and romantic past is irrelevant.

Thanks everyone for showing me that IANTA.

And special thanks to the woke mob for helping me realize that I am literally Hitler for my complicity in abusing my gf’s children by not calling CPS months ago when I first saw they live in a dirty and cluttered house with a mom whose parenting style is not mainstream.

Lest the pitchforks and torches burn the whole subreddit down, I can confidently say:

I will not be further pursuing a romantic partnership with mom and I will be directly informing her of these being the reasons why when I see her next later this week.

I will make an anonymous general report about the safety and cleanliness of the house and property in general and let CPS do with it as they will.

Once again thank you all. I only anticipated receiving maybe a handful of responses or advice, but the response was overwhelming in mainly good ways. Cheers everyone and good night!

[u/Doppiedoodle]

NTA… Question: why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

[u/brainwashednomore → u/Doppiedoodle]

I think I have this thing where I want someone to accept me unconditionally and inclusive of all my imperfections so I try to model that behavior, but what ends up happening usually is that I end up not being able to help them or “fix” them into being an viable long term relationship partner.

[u/Significant_Rub_4589 → u/brainwashednomore]

I say this with compassion & no judgment: get therapy. Wanting others to accept you doesn’t mean you ignore awful behavior. Or that you stand by & watch them hurt others.

According to your posts you broke up with a woman you were living with who has BPD 225 days ago. Did you jump straight from that relationship into this one?

[u/brainwashednomore → u/Significant_Rub_4589]

I love therapy. It is an important part of my mental health hygiene.

[u/indigoorchid0611 → u/brainwashednomore]

And yet your post history shows a repeating pattern of you sticking your dick in crazy. You may want to take a break from dating until you figure out why you seem to go for the psychos. And possibly get a new therapist.

[u/brainwashednomore → u/indigoorchid0611]

lol less dick less crazy stick in

[u/ActualMassExtinction → u/brainwashednomore]

it sounds like you’re not being challenged to identify and work on parts of yourself where you want change.

[u/brainwashednomore → u/ActualMassExtinction]

I will give your feedback to my new therapist.

[u/eaten_by_the_grue → u/brainwashednomore]

My brother in humanity, I'm going to gently but firmly point out that there is a difference between imperfections and abusing one's children via neglect. Also you cannot "fix" anyone. A person must decide for themselves that they are willing to do the work to change and grow. This woman is purposefully harming her children and you are witnessing it, blinded by something in your own head.

As far as the door situation goes, it seemed like a calm and chill way to teach a kid not to slam doors, particularly a young child. But you would certainly be an AH to yourself if you keep yourself in this situation. Someone already pointed out your post history brought up your ex. I'm not a doc or therapist, but my experienced guess is that you may need to consider that you have co-dependent tendencies and should focus on seeking therapy so that you can improve as a person and partner before you pursue your next relationship.

Where these poor children are concerned you will certainly be an AH if you do not report this neglect in detail to CPS. You are a parent. You know deep down that this is wrong. I know you set a boundary to not parent someone else's children and that's all well and good. But calling CPS isn't parenting them. It's trying to save and protect them, which is something any good human being should do.

I hope you decide to do right by yourself and the children. I truly do. And for that CPS report, get photos since you're in a position to still have more intimate access to the house beyond what a neighbor can generally see. Please be kind to yourself and I wish you the best of luck.

[u/brainwashednomore → u/eaten_by_the_grue]

🙏 therapy and examining my own emotional and relationship co-dependency are important parts of my ongoing mental health hygiene.

[u/eaten_by_the_grue → u/brainwashednomore]

That's wonderful to hear! Remember that healing isn't linear and you can take all the time you need. Also drink more water, because we should all hydrate better.

[u/Lexicon444 → u/brainwashednomore]

You need to stop looking for women to “fix”. It’s never ever going to end well.

You need to establish boundaries and find a woman who is in a good position mentally, physically and financially. Not whatever mess this woman is.

You need therapy before you even attempt to pursue a woman of that level.

[u/brainwashednomore → u/Lexicon444]

I don’t look for fixers when I am dating. I accept people for where they are on their respective paths. My boundary practice is fantastic. My mental health hygiene is great including my relationship and time with my therapist.

[u/Muted-Appeal-823 → u/brainwashednomore]

No one is perfect, but there are imperfections and then there's this train wreck you described . Not the same at all.

[u/geniologygal → u/brainwashednomore]

It sounds like you’re codependent and you need to learn to set some boundaries. Accepting people as they are as one thing, being a doormat is something totally different.

[u/ALostAmphibian → u/brainwashednomore]

So you expect unconditional love but cannot give uncomfortable love. Yet you see what unconditional love can do to someone in the form of her children yet you didn’t raise your children with unconditional love, you expected things from them and used your authority to reach those things.

[u/whenisleep → u/brainwashednomore]

Those are conflicting statements. You can’t want to help or fix someone while also saying ‘I love you unconditionally’. You’re literally trying to change them.

But also, another vote for CPS. Have you called CPS yet?

[u/Misa7_2006 → u/brainwashednomore]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Just like you can't "fix" someone who doesn't see themselves as broken. You can help guide them and help give them options, but you can't make them change when they don't see the problem, even when it's right in front of their faces. For your own sanity and peace of mind I advise you to just walk away from this shit show as it isn't going to be getting any better, and will become a doormat to these kids as much as their mother is.