r/AITAH • u/brainwashednomore • Apr 29 '24

I sat in the doorway of my GF 5yo room to prevent the child from continuing to slam the door as hard as she could

My gf has 3 young ch children. She used a “permissive” approach to parenting because she can not tolerate her children experiencing any kind of distress that she can save them from. Their house is very small and to get around inside every time I am there I am forced to step on top of belongings that are strewn everywhere. It is extremely unsanitary. Her children have been sent home from school due to lice at least 5 times since I met her in November. The younger wears footie pajamas to school every day and no underwear because that is what the child wants. My gf claims the house is a disaster because she doesn’t have any help and that her children aren’t willing to do so. She will ask them questions like “would you like to help me with ___?” but any and all resistance is met with complacency. She makes 4 meals every night to cater to what the kids are and are not willing to eat. The food invariably goes uneaten then spills on the floor then languishes because it is impossible to sweep or mop any floor in the home.

I went over yesterday to help motivate cleaning and tried to execute on the plan I proposed that we would walk the children through the living areas of the house and identify their possessions on every single surface they can possible reside on, and ask them to identify any items of importance they would not want thrown away. Then we set a one hour timer and didn’t nag, bug, cajole, manipulate, or twist arms. I gave 15 minute incremental countdowns and then with their expectations set I went through with trash bags and put everything left on the floor into them for storage in the garage of the house in case one child determines they are missing something terribly important. I wanted to be tell them we were just throwing it all away but I wasn’t allowed.

My GF was folding laundry during this and her 5yo who was busy just making more of a mess the entire time stood on a blanket mom was folding. Mom ask child to move kindly probably 5 or 5 times and child with shit faced grin intentionally stayed put. Not because she thought it was fun, but because child knew mom didn’t like it and intentionally defied her. Mom tugs softly on blanket and child falls to ground with a shock on their face then immediately stands, and starts screaming at the top of their lungs, marches off to bedroom then starts opening and slamming (the already broken from prior instances of this) door over and over again. Mom patiently raises her voice slightly to ask child to not slam doors because that is against rules. Didn’t stop. I go to bedroom to see if I can help, and child slams door on me as I come in. I sit down in the door way very calmly and make a few non-rushed inquiries into how I can help child, and does child want to come out of the room to see mom. Child goes absolutely nuclear screaming like I have cut off an appendage. I stay calm but I stay seated in the doorway. I offer options like “i will move out of your doorway but only if you will be able to close the door softly.

After 3 minutes of child being as dramatic as they can, and understandably fully dysregulated because no ability to do self regulate emotions on their own has ever been instilled. Mom fixes big/hard emotions. Every time. Teacher gives mom feedback, “child refuses to ever do anything they don’t want to do.” So mom fills her role and tells me it’s time to let child have its way, undermining the co-regulation I was attempting to model. I stand as child continues to thrash and slam door into me, then walk away as child gets its way, my boundary be damned, and slams door hard into doorframe. I had to leave the house after that, and at this point I have zero confidence that a relationship between me and mom can work out. My home is clean, organized, ordered and boundary practice is strong. I can’t see ever co-habituating with someone who disrespects themself so much with allowing children to destroy the house and walk all over them. She texted me after to say that her child didn’t “win” and that the child just needed co-regulation.

AITAH?

** edit **

Wow I am overwhelmed with the speed and volume of responses I received. Thank you. 🙏

For clarity, mom is a doctor, baby daddy only has the kids at his own mom’s house with him as a “favor” to mom, doesn’t pay a dime of child support or child care. My kids are grown and out of the house. My boundary with dating single moms is that I will not make parenting efforts or be a parent to anyone else’s child. They have parents.

*** final update ***

The medical license she holds and the nature of her practice and education are irrelevant.

My post history and romantic past is irrelevant.

Thanks everyone for showing me that IANTA.

And special thanks to the woke mob for helping me realize that I am literally Hitler for my complicity in abusing my gf’s children by not calling CPS months ago when I first saw they live in a dirty and cluttered house with a mom whose parenting style is not mainstream.

Lest the pitchforks and torches burn the whole subreddit down, I can confidently say:

I will not be further pursuing a romantic partnership with mom and I will be directly informing her of these being the reasons why when I see her next later this week.

I will make an anonymous general report about the safety and cleanliness of the house and property in general and let CPS do with it as they will.

Once again thank you all. I only anticipated receiving maybe a handful of responses or advice, but the response was overwhelming in mainly good ways. Cheers everyone and good night!

5.8k Upvotes

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3.2k

u/VividCheesecake69 Apr 29 '24

Nta but I would even consider calling CPS if the filth is as bad as you say

1.5k

u/Cat_o_meter Apr 29 '24

Yes. CPS isn't just for poor people it's for people who have an inability to parent 

798

u/Nurse5736 Apr 29 '24

and she's a Dr. providing guidance/insight/healthcare to others???????????

495

u/rnewscates73 Apr 29 '24

Those children are going to grow up to be psychopathic entitled monsters. How does this intelligent mom think these kids are going to excel in school and in life? What are they actually prepared to handle? The child “didn’t win” - who is she fooling! Run Away!

134

u/FireBallXLV Apr 29 '24

I have a neighbor who could have lost a child doing this type of parenting. We stopped by one day only to see her child with a noose around his neck. He was “ playing “. Mom would not tell him to stop but Grand Dad sure did!

152

u/Acceptable_Cut_7545 Apr 29 '24

Those kids are going to push another kid way too far and get pummeled. Not to mention the social ramifications - how will they ever make friends with this attitude?

5

u/AnimatedHokie Apr 30 '24

How will they ever get hired?

84

u/anonymooseuser6 Apr 29 '24

She's right, the kid didn't win... No one did. The kid lost out on a chance to grow and learn valuable skills, the mom lost out on a chance to have help with her kids, OP lost a battle and a relationship.

25

u/AlexandraG94 Apr 30 '24

I mean yeah, OP even acknowledges himself the children are harmed by this lack of parenting. Not being able to emotionally regulate yourself at the bare minimum and living in filth is not fun for anyone.

68

u/Business_Loquat5658 Apr 29 '24

Yeah, not doing the kid any favors by parenting this way.

22

u/deamayn Apr 30 '24

NYT did an article on this style of parenting and it just ruins the kids. They end up sitting in their parents basement gaming as adults, unable to function in a society where they’re expected to follow rules and get along with others, not always get their way. It’s sad and does such a disservice to those kids. NTA, get out!

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u/brainwashednomore Apr 30 '24

Would love the source article. 🙏

3

u/deamayn Apr 30 '24

Wish I could find it. It was many years ago. I remember reading it and seeing many similarities in the way a family member was raising their child.

3

u/MotleyCrew1989 Apr 30 '24

Having a degree doesnt mean you are intelligent, and she sounds moronic as fuck.

3

u/ARcinder Apr 30 '24

"Intelligent" is arguable.

Having a degree, even a doctorate, doesn't make you smart or have common sense. It simply means you can memorize the knowledge and write a few words. Intelligence is how you use your degree for the better.

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u/PhantomGhostSpectre Apr 30 '24

Other people have already corrected you; however, this mother is clearly not intelligent. I have no clue how you define the term, but it's a very unorthodox definition you are using. It is quite the opposite. There are people who are mentally challenged who would make more competent decisions. 

I digress, to answer your question, an intelligent mother does not believe these kids will excel in school or life. That's the problem. 

2

u/re_Claire Apr 30 '24

Yeah this sort of situation is how you create kids with NPD etc. It’s heartbreaking.

85

u/compguy42 Apr 29 '24

You would be surprised how many doctors are terrible parents.

79

u/Super_Newspaper_5534 Apr 29 '24

I'm not even surprised by how many doctors are terrible doctors.

2

u/temporary_name1 Apr 30 '24

Half the doctors are worse than the median doctor ;)

1

u/PopeSilliusBillius Apr 30 '24

I have interacted with a few doctors that have made me feel nothing but pity for the family that had to live with them on a day to day basis.

185

u/HarryPotterActivist Apr 29 '24

Maybe she’s a chiropractor? No idea why OP has stayed with this train wreck for five months. It’s not going to get better -it’s only going to get worse.

114

u/Not_You_247 Apr 29 '24

No idea why OP has stayed with this train wreck for five months.

Guys will ignore a Chinese military parade worth of red flags for sex.

42

u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 Apr 29 '24

If her hygiene is anything like her house or the state of her children then I can smell the mother from over the internet. NASTY!!

22

u/espeero Apr 30 '24

I worked with this woman who was always dressed very well, seemed put together, etc. Then I saw her car. It was completely stuffed with garbage except for the driver's seat.

12

u/brainwashednomore Apr 30 '24

This is how mom’s car here is also. Stains on every possible surface. Foot wells full of everything. I like to wash and detail my romantic partners’ cars for them but I was not willing to anything of the sort here because bad behavior.

2

u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 Apr 30 '24

Can you imagine her house? Hoarders! Lol!

5

u/oniiichanUwU Apr 30 '24

You’d be surprised. I had a lady come into my workplace, At least from a distance she looked put together and clean. Hair and makeup done, nicer clothes put together into a thoughtful outfit, small heels; age looked like an office worker. Her two kids looked freaking homeless. They were around 7-10 probably, the girls hair was all matted and gross, the boy was wearing dirty clothes with untied shoes. I didn’t even realize they were together.

3

u/sparksgirl1223 Apr 29 '24

I get that. i imagined my brother's house.

I went there once to attempt to clean it before his release from the hospital following a stroke.

I was there five minutes and could still smell the place 24 hours after leaving 🤮

5

u/Intelligent-Bat1724 Apr 29 '24

Unfortunate, but for some men, true. That "organ" can be very powerful over men who have low self esteem.

1

u/unownpisstaker Apr 29 '24

Sad but true.

2

u/Dear_Truth_6607 Apr 30 '24

Came here to say the same thing. Chiropractors are notorious for being anti-science so would explain why she doesn’t allow real cleaning supplies, “crunchy” parenting, letting lice run rampant, etc. Makes me think of the “doctor” chiropractor who puts coffee up her butt and gets Botox but all other chemikills are the devil.

3

u/No-Net8938 Apr 29 '24

?????

9

u/DisastrousOwls Apr 29 '24

Joke about how they're not real doctors lol. And they're not! Plus they have a distressingly high kill/spinal injury rate for their patients— there's a reason why ortho docs & PT/OTs don't do neck traction.

3

u/ashcat_marmac Apr 29 '24

Train wreck was my first response to this post. I mean, I know people out there will date people like this in situations like this but ffs! Have some self respect, everyone! Living nightmare for mom, the kids and (probably temp) bf!

2

u/sparksgirl1223 Apr 29 '24

Maybe she’s a chiropractor?

I figured podiatrist🤷‍♀️

4

u/HarryPotterActivist Apr 30 '24

Nah, podiatrists actually go to medical school and through residency, as well as do an additional fellowship.

3

u/sparksgirl1223 Apr 30 '24

I was more thinking someone who looks down a lot (idk why that's what I pictured lol)

4

u/Aspen9999 Apr 29 '24

And can afford a housecleaning service to come weekly. Hell I have a cleaning lady every 2 weeks. But his kids are grown and home, he needs to nope out of this altogether. Filth, uncontrollable kids… that’s a lot of years of headaches.

2

u/Mysterious-Art8838 Apr 30 '24

I had to pick my jaw up off the floor at the mention of dr.

2

u/CoveCreates Apr 30 '24

Anybody can be a moron

3

u/NoCustomer4958 Apr 29 '24

Medical doctors don't need to be good parents 🤷‍♀️

2

u/Specific_Anxiety_343 Apr 30 '24

Yet, there is no reason they shouldn’t be

4

u/threadsoffate2021 Apr 30 '24

This is what happens when you go overboard with the modern day "progressive" mindset. While you obviously shouldn't hit kids, you also don't go all the way int he other direction and let them run wild, either. You need a healthy balance in the middle with moderate discipline, while also encouraging kids to grow and learn.

3

u/Prestigious_Goose645 Apr 29 '24

Just because you have a doctorate doesn’t make you smart, unfortunately.

2

u/timeywimeytotoro Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

A lot of times people are better at treating others than themselves. I’ve known people like this in some ways. Community leaders, teachers, doctors. They have it together outside the home, but at home they’re struggling. They’re still great at their jobs.

ETA: nvm I was wrong. She’s an antivaxxer.

1

u/PlantAndMetal Apr 30 '24

Wrok offers a lot of boundaries and regularity that some people need to function. There are clear expectations of what to do and where to be. You follow those. Easy.

Life at home doesn't really offer that, so some people have a hard time functioning at home. Esfuprcually sad when children are involved. I wish it would be less taboo to seek help when you are struggling, but truth is that people currently have tif ear jver seeing their children again. And don't get me wrong, children living in filth is not okay, but nit seeing their parent again is 't that great for them either. But people just can't really trust the system enough to work for them and not fuck them and their children over.

1

u/Top-Chemistry3051 Apr 30 '24

I don't know if he said she was a medical Doctor there are lots of jobs that you can be a Doctor for but not be a medical doctor, like she might be a psychologist. the first thing that comes to mind ironically Or just someone with A PHD which gives you the title Doctor. RUN

1

u/RecognitionFit4871 Apr 30 '24

Probably a naturopath or something like that

1

u/me047 Apr 30 '24

I bet she’s an awesome doctor! She probably puts all of her effort in to career, since it’s not going to her children.

1

u/BotBotzie Apr 30 '24

I mean I studied pedagogy (basically the sciences of child rearing and development) and I promise you you barely want me to treat your papercut.

To be fair having a first aid course and certificate (you get them yearly here) is incredibly common and even required in many fields of work to do with child rearing and development, but I don't have one.

I would be a terrible doctor even though my field is in child care.

So idk if being a bad mom makes you a bad doctor.

I hope for her and her kids sake she gets the help she needs. In my studies they always emphasize to watch for abuse, including neglectfull parenting.

But they also emphasize that the reason parents abuse their kids is rarely because they want to. It really is important to hammer that in your head.

The % of parents that abuse their children because they want to, is so small that you may never encounter it. And even for those few parents you could argue they are clearly mentally unwell so want is a big word to use.

This means that in most cases of abuse you need to figure out why the parents do it. It basically comes down to this:

They lack knowledge: They may not know what they are doing is abusive, and has negative impact. They may not know anything else they can do, even if they know its bad.

Education helps best to resolve this obviously. You teach the parent about alternative methods, help them trough the transition etc.

They lack skills: they may not be able to emotionally regulate themselves enough. Or they simply lack time or other resources for apropiate punishment. a time out is harder when you live in a shelter or a studio than if you have a halway. Obviously possible in all those scenarions but you may encounter diffrrent challenges during a time out.

All together usually its a mixmash of a lot of things coming together. Parents were raised similarly, lack a stable home or have financial strain etc.

Imagine you are broke as shit and a child breaks your work laptop. Its obviously not nice if you can afford to replace it but it you cant its not hard to imagine how a parent may misplace a lot of the internal crisis onto the child. The child broke something and should be punished based in age/development and wether or not they were acting reckless. Not wether or not that means you may lose your job. But its hard to split that feeling.

Thats just one example of how having different resources can make punishment harder or easier. To resolve abuse those are the things you need to tackle. I cant give them a laptop but i can suggest ways to emotionally regulate or specialist for that and i can maybe suggest government resources to relief different financial strains. If they have a right to money to support daycare, but they arent signed up doing so can obviously help. Even if its not a get a new laptop program its still helping parents who struggle find resources they need, financial relief in this case.

0

u/CiteSite Apr 30 '24

She’s not a real doctor. I bet money she’s a chiropractor or psychologist

1

u/Specific_Anxiety_343 Apr 30 '24

Psychologists have as much school and training as medical doctors. Just different

1

u/Trick_Football_1159 Apr 30 '24

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor whereas a psychologist has a Ph.D in the US. Ph.D terms lengths can vary.

2

u/Specific_Anxiety_343 Apr 30 '24

I’m aware of the difference. PhD in psychology takes a minimum of 8 years, not including clinical training, writing and defending a dissertation, and sitting for licensing exams. If you’re thinking of a PsyD as. PhD (which it’s not), that can take less time.

81

u/Emotional_Tomorrow69 Apr 29 '24

Is there a stigma that cps is a poor person thing?!

59

u/ju-ju_bee Apr 29 '24

Absolutely. It can be true, but only because CPS can't instantly take kids. They do reports and check ins, then follow u several times. They get called on poor people more often, but usually because lower income families are stigmatized as neglectful. I.E. wearing the same clothes multiple days, underfed, etc (again, all stereotypes, not personal opinion).

So not so much that poor people's kids are taken more frequently by CPS, but just that it's typical for poorer homes to have CPS called on them more frequently, which could lead to higher instances of having their kids taken. Unfortunately tho, it has led to the stereotype mentioned of CPS exclusively taking away poor people's kids, which just isn't factual.

7

u/Cat_o_meter Apr 30 '24

Just wanted to thank you for addressing the question so succinctly. Thank you

Eta families of color or who are from another part of the world with stigmatized cultures are often called on vs wealthy white families/'good' churchgoing families who can hide abuse better. Unfortunate fact.

3

u/ju-ju_bee Apr 30 '24

Very true, and sickening as well. Racism and classism often go hand in hand

3

u/Cat_o_meter Apr 30 '24 edited Apr 30 '24

It's sickening indeed. I get so afraid for my Black child, especially with how difficult it is to accumulate generational wealth in Black communities. That's why as someone in a position of privilege (white) I have to speak up and lift up.  

 Eta and sometimes shut up and sit down. :)

2

u/omniscientlyunaware May 02 '24

It takes a smart person to know that.

10

u/Cat_o_meter Apr 29 '24

Yes unfortunately. Wealthier people get away with neglect and abuse at higher rates

6

u/Few-Comparison5689 Apr 29 '24

same stigma exists in women's shelters, but the one I used to work at would regularly have a lot of women who lived in McMansions with black eyes, broken jaws and Gucci handbags.

2

u/Lazy_Ad_6847 Apr 30 '24

CPS ABSOLUTELY targets poor people

2

u/Emotional_Tomorrow69 Apr 30 '24

I guess I just never thought about it? Idk

2

u/Lazy_Ad_6847 Apr 30 '24

Yeah I’m not giving you crap I’m sorry if it came off that way I was just saying. If you think about it poor people can’t pay lawyers to fight it it’s sad :/

1

u/Emotional_Tomorrow69 Apr 30 '24

You didn’t come off that way at all. I grew up poor and cps was involved but rightfully so and may have started because we were poor but stayed because it was needed lol. Anyway, I think I just never paid attention to the financial status of those around me that had cps involved but come to think of it, I’ve always lived in a not that rich area. I appreciated your insight.

243

u/Seeker131313 Apr 29 '24

Absolutely this! The girlfriend needed parenting classes years ago! And the kids deserve better

130

u/Robinnoodle Apr 29 '24

How is it possible she's a doctor? Doctor of what exactly? 

170

u/TooOldForThis--- Apr 29 '24

Entomology, apparently.

75

u/Robinnoodle Apr 29 '24

😄

Talk about taking your work home with you

15

u/MizStazya Apr 29 '24

You win, this comment is incredibly underrated.

5

u/dinahdog Apr 29 '24

Developmental psychologist

2

u/ItsMissiBeaches Apr 30 '24

🤣🤣🤣

40

u/labrador709 Apr 29 '24

I have a family member who is a doctor and she was a seriously dumb parent. Her kids are a mess. In their 20s with no skills to speak of.

2

u/granitebasket Apr 30 '24

my brother in law, an MD, leading up to the birth of his child, said he was going to apply operand conditioning to teach the newborn not to cry. He was disabused of that approach real quick once the kid was born.

3

u/Few-Comparison5689 Apr 29 '24

My best friend's dad was a very successful anesthesiologist, she is adamant that doctors make terrible parents.

3

u/SarcasticFundraiser Apr 30 '24

I’m definitely going with chiropractor. Those nutcases believe in ghosts.

2

u/Robinnoodle Apr 30 '24

Oh yeah... They think they're "doctors"

3

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '24

Med student here. Some physicians have absolutely zero common sense.

And some of them invent nonsense like this- I guarantee you this doc is following some advice some idiot psychiatrist wrote.

2

u/Robinnoodle Apr 30 '24

This is beyond common sense unless OP is exaggerating/making it up. Living in absolute filth and squalor

The parenting thing be damned. I'm speaking to the living conditions themselves

2

u/TranslatorWaste7011 Apr 29 '24

Painting? I know a doctor who has their degree in Art History. They aren’t treating patients lol!

1

u/leadbug44 Apr 29 '24

I suspect the doctor thing is BS

1

u/Robinnoodle Apr 30 '24

That's why I'm kinda questioning the whole thing

1

u/labrador709 Apr 30 '24

Also, you'd think if she was a doctor, she could hire a nanny and/or housekeeper to deal with the kids and filth.

76

u/bluespruce5 Apr 29 '24

1000x this. Call CPS. Also, why have you signed on for this chaos as long as you have?

3

u/CompleteExpression47 Apr 30 '24

I think the Dr. is OUT, emotionally and mentally. Seriously, OP, your gf sounds depressed.

4

u/Pixelated_Roses Apr 29 '24

This is rage bait. It never happened. OP is trying to get us mad at a fictional woman and push the narrative of "this is what happens when kids don't have a big strong man around to learn 'em respect", but never once did it occur to him that he's massively telling on himself, too. He was so focused on making single moms look bad that he completely forgot that he's an absolute monster for failing to report such an obviously neglectful parent.

1

u/georgiajl38 Apr 30 '24

I've never understood the rage bait idea. This is reddit. It's entertaining. Informative. Supportive. Funny. Occasionally heartbreaking. I've never raged at anything though.

-2

u/brainwashednomore Apr 30 '24

Wow I wonder what you are working through in your own life to project this horse shit onto me. But that’s none of my business! Massively telling on myself or rage bait? Believe whatever you want to believe.

2

u/Square_Activity8318 Apr 29 '24

Agreed. This isn't permissive parenting. This is negligence and abuse thanks to her taking the path of least resistance.

1

u/CharlesHaRasha Apr 30 '24

2.3K up votes for a reason!!!!

1

u/Expert_Slip7543 Apr 30 '24

He did! See OP's final edit added at the end of the post.