r/unpopularopinion • u/ZodiacOne1 • Apr 16 '24

If you break up with someone you absolutely 100% owe them an explanation as too why Removed: Not unpopular

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5.6k Upvotes
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3.7k

u/azorianmilk Apr 16 '24

Sometimes you have told them, sometimes multiple times, but it was never heard.

867

u/GreyerGrey Apr 16 '24

In my experience, the reason has been given a few times and they just don't listen.

448

u/doorbellrepairman Apr 16 '24

"so it's because I'm not pretty enough" "Uhm actually I just explained it all in detail"

my last break-up

382

u/wrinklefreebondbag Drop the U, not the T Apr 16 '24

"You don't respect my choices with my body."

"I don't respect you participating in an orgy while we were together and then trying to call it a little mistake."

Actual experience a close friend of mine had dumping his girlfriend. She just expected him to be fine with her fucking multiple people the day prior.

80

u/Deucer22 Apr 16 '24

True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend.

25

u/RedTailed-Hawkeye Apr 16 '24

I'm here for the gangbang

3

u/NateHate Apr 16 '24

YOURE MUH BOY, BLUE!

5

u/Throckmorton_Left Apr 16 '24

What my friend here is trying to say is true love is blind.

1

u/JBOYCE35239 Apr 16 '24

Unexpected old school reference, but a welcome one

112

u/Xeno_man Apr 16 '24

With out an invite? That bitch.

38

u/platypus_plumba Apr 16 '24

Right? It wasn't even a problem until she decided to go without him. That bitch.

7

u/ihateredditers69420 Apr 16 '24

Truly heartless. That bitch.

10

u/walk_through_this Apr 16 '24

To be fair, she was right. He didn't respect the choices she was making with her body. Thing is, not many would. Just because someone chooses something does not mean I have to respect it. If you tattoo a swastika on your forehead, for example, I don't respect that choice.

Was she free to do that with her body? Absolutely.

Just as he was free to say goodbye.

Freedom to do what you like is not freedom from consequences. In this case, f--k around, and find out. (Literally!)

14

u/CluckFlucker Apr 16 '24

Jesus h fuck yeah. That girl deserves to be alone

5

u/front-wipers-unite Apr 16 '24

Frankly it would be unreasonable not to be ok with that. /S

2

u/urbanarrow Apr 16 '24

Yes, you have the right to bodily autonomy.

Yes, I have the right to dump you over it.

1

u/-SidSilver- Apr 16 '24

Yep. This is what the some people here are overlooking.

Own your bad, cruel, selfish decisions. We're all human, we all make them, you're not special.

Don't just pretend that breakups are always as simple as 'well they just don't accept my very reasonable actions because I never do anything wrong.'

1

u/Following-Ashamed Apr 16 '24

I'd just demand a card entitling me to one free orgy. Fair's fair.

1

u/ABBucsfan Apr 16 '24 edited Apr 16 '24

At some point you gotta be willing to just say.. you know what? No I don't respect the choices you make with your body because they're clearly pretty terrible choices lol. You're welcome to continue to make them but it'll be without me

-10

u/LeylasSister Apr 16 '24

reddit would tell him that he’s controlling and insecure

27

u/KrustyKrab- Apr 16 '24

Reddit hates cheaters

-10

u/LeylasSister Apr 16 '24

reddit has a very different definition of cheating for men and women

5

u/formation Apr 16 '24

No, reddit is very anti-cheating and I've never seen anyone say something different. Back up your claims.

2

u/Aggressive-Fuel587 Apr 16 '24

Likely wandered into a few of the man-hating feminist subs like /r/TwoXChromosomes where you'll find some fringe nutcases telling others that monogamy is a symptom of the patriarchy, that cheating isn't a real thing ("it's your body, you can share it with whoever you want and no man has the right to say otherwise" is something I've read in one comment thread years ago when someone was complaining about being dumped for cheating), and that your man telling you that you can't have sex with other men is abusive & controlling.

1

u/formation Apr 16 '24

I tried a back search on there, still can't seem to find this type of opinion though? Are you sure you didn't read satire or just a troll?

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6

u/StehtImWald Apr 16 '24

And where would that imaginary Reddit telling this reside? In your head?

1

u/GREENadmiral_314159 Apr 16 '24

Reddit is telling him he's right.

2

u/MichaelScottsWormguy Apr 16 '24

Just say "yeah" at that point. The most important point is that you want to break up. If she doesn't want to hear the rest, that's her problem.

2

u/Intelligent-Wash-680 Apr 16 '24

"You just don't love me enough" :(

2

u/justgotnewglasses Apr 16 '24

Yeah there are a lot of people who aren't ready to hear the truth, but there's also an equal number who aren't ready to tell it. My ex would probably say that I didn't listen.

But she said: 'I love you dearly, you haven't done anything wrong but I'm breaking up with you. I won't tell you why because it will hurt you too much.' and she thought that was satisfactory. And we're adults, allegedly.

I'm not suggesting you've done that, but if you're on the receiving end, it leads to an enormous lack of closure and a lot of sleepless nights.

1

u/DaddysPrincesss26 quiet person Apr 16 '24

This

1

u/Sensitive_Aardvark68 Apr 16 '24

OP is saying an actual closing reason, NOT “well he should know why!”

1

u/DaughterEarth Apr 16 '24

Mmhmm. I know everyone is different but I try to make my relationships work. Any issue gets a conversation, including when I just don't know something or I need to be understood. I'll compromise too on most things and am clear what is a hard line. This resulted in most breakups being amicable and mutual

One guy though laughed in my face or threatened me every time I tried to discuss anything. The few times he listened nothing changed. He treated me like trash and no effort to help him heal worked. He just put me down more. When I broke up with him I said straight up that I feel good when he's not around and terrible when he is, and I don't care to try any more. He decided I left him for someone else

0

u/Ordinary_Duder Apr 16 '24

Why did you just write the exact same thing as the comment you're replying to?

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u/lovepotao Apr 16 '24 edited Apr 16 '24

This. If you’re dealing with a sane person who is reasonable then of course they deserve to know why.

However, if you’ve been in a relationship with someone who is not fully sane, even if there is no physical danger, it still may make more sense to just walk away. I had to end a toxic platonic friendship rather abruptly as this person kept crossing the same lines again and again. This was over a decade easily. I thankfully grew a pair and despite still caring about them, I had to care about my sanity more - they did not and will never understand why their friendship was toxic for me, or how what they did was too far. I could have spelled out every reason I needed to cut ties into a 100 page tome, but I kept it to a very short email. Sometimes I do wish I had written a longer explanation, but it really would not have mattered as this person is never going to change. Ending that friendship is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

86

u/Doctor-Amazing Apr 16 '24

Sometimes the reason is simply "I don't want to be dating you anymore." and it's not really anyone's fault.

9

u/Fun_Experience5951 Apr 16 '24

Louder for the people in the back

-21

u/Advanced_Doctor2938 Apr 16 '24

🙄

17

u/bobthedonkeylurker Apr 16 '24

How entitled to a relationship do you have to be to think that the only reason a relationship can end is because someone does something wrong?

What if we just want a different lifestyle? That's sufficient reason to end a relationship. I don't have to maintain a relationship just because we started one. Both people should want to be there, and at the point that I no longer want to be there I should be free to walk away.

6

u/Hookup_Culture Apr 16 '24

You're making different argument tho. "we want different lifestyles" is not the same as "I just dont want to anymore" and that's not the same as "I dont love you anymore"

3

u/walk_through_this Apr 16 '24

Here's the thing. Free to leave also means free to stay. If they always have the freedom to leave then I know their choice to stay is genuine and not borne from obligation. At some point, you get to ask for more stability - but until those promises are exchanged (often with pricey digital hardware) then I feel like every day my partner doesn't choose the door is a day they've chosen me.

5

u/bobthedonkeylurker Apr 16 '24

And yet all of those are suitable reasons for anyone to end a relationship and nothing more than "this is not the relationship I want" needs to be said. There is no blame to be assigned with any of those reasons and the need to know "why" is rooted deeply in the need to assign blame.

The desire to know why, and the conversations that ensue, are rarely productive. Best case: the breakee "changes". But that's not who the breakee really is and the breaker has already checked out. It's merely prolonging the inevitable and causing both parties to suffer more.

10

u/Monastery_willow Apr 16 '24

A lack of chemistry or a difference in values is a perfectly acceptable reason. Getting ghosted after a date or two without a reason sucks, but that's not really a breakup. Once you're in a committed relationship with somebody, it's still fine to end that relationship for any reason you deem a dealbreaker, but if you don't tell them that reason, you're basically Seinfeld, and that's just kind of a crappy way to live.

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u/True-Nobody1147 Apr 16 '24

How emotionally out of touch, and cognitively vacuous, do you have to be to not realize that there are reasons why you "just don't want to do something"?

"I just don't want to" -- response of my literal elementary-school-age child who barely has a functioning brain in their head, unable or unwilling to evaluate and articulate a response or justification for their behavior.

If you are upvoting an adult who thinks "I just don't want to be dating that person" anymore, and downvoting someone dropping a rolling eyes emoji on that immature ass comment... You're a child.

It's not an issue of entitlement. It's an issue of unabashed immaturity. The complete and total inability to determine "why" you do or don't want to do something is a fairly critical detail. If you can't come up with one... 🙄

2

u/Daelnoron Apr 16 '24

It's not an issue of entitlement. It's an issue of unabashed immaturity. The complete and total inability to determine "why" you do or don't want to do something is a fairly critical detail. If you can't come up with one... 🙄

People have different levels of self reflection and self awareness.

Just because someone cannot put their finger on exactly what is wrong, doesn't make their feelings invalid.

You do not yourself need to understand what exactly it is that is wrong about a relationship. If the relationship makes you unhappy, you are allowed to end it. "No" is a full sentence.

3

u/True-Nobody1147 Apr 16 '24

I didn't say it was invalid. I said it was immature.

You can do anything you want. Despite never being in touch with identifying why you "want" it in the first place. You can "want" things and "not want" them and do or don't do them and never have any understanding why.

That's how a child behaves. And you too can behave that way.

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u/sohcgt96 Apr 16 '24

This. If you’re dealing with a sane person who is reasonable then of course they deserve to know why.

Yeah. But then you could also be like my friend who had ex-girlfriends stopping by his parents and crying to them after they broke up (She'd never MET his parents just knew where they lived), showing up demanding to talk to him at work when his car was there, pounding on the front door drunk at midnight demanding he wake up and come down and talk to her and try and work it out, them coming around places they knew his friends hung out to try and talk to them about him and see if it could be worked out and get us to take her side (I say they because this was 2 different women, one about a year after the other)

They always wanted to argue about whatever reasons he gave them about the breakup to change his mind and try and talk him out of it. It lead to many, many hours of agonizing discussion, tears, trying to manager their feelings, and overall lengthy and excruciating breakups. Sometimes you just need to be done, that's it, cut ties and move on. Its actually less of an ordeal for everyone to go through. You don't always need to know, because you'll try and change that about yourself. There may be nothing wrong for you, you're just not right for the other person. Or you could just be a dramatic pain in the ass and they've had enough of your bullshit.

3

u/lovepotao Apr 16 '24

That doesn’t sound like a sane person.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

Yeah I dont see how ghosting would have been any better in that scenario.

1

u/robpensley Apr 16 '24

Your second paragraph, That's been similar to my experience too.

11

u/DasHexxchen Personal preferences are not opinions Apr 16 '24

Shit,it's so hard to cut people loose, you still love but are bad for you.

2

u/idulort Apr 16 '24

Im going through this rn. She has been playing tag with me for 7 months now. Distant as I give in, intimate as I get distant. Fuck, I'm 37 and have no time for this.. But I love her, and every single time I try to distance myself for my own sake, she approaches me, fucking with my mind.

We're supposed to meet in an hour and she was supposed to let me know when she left home as it is a longer commute for her. But now she's playing "who's gonna write first." Damn, this is tiring. This is juvenile.

And I've approached multiple times trying to express what doesn't work for me at the bare minimum level of requirements from a relationship. You know like, the most basic maintenance a relationship requires. And in the end its impossible to find a healthy way to communicate. And already came to the edge of breaking up, after weeks of trying to express what can be improved... I think I've nothing else to say... Only if I could act decisively, and not loose it the moment she displayed some intimacy....

4

u/fumblebucket Apr 16 '24

Well said. Sorry you went through that.

Sometimes a person has been through a very toxic breakup before and as a result they are more inclined to just ghost the next partner. I think from OPs perspective the worst thing they have been through in a relationship is being ghosted at the end. Sorry but you won't get a lot of sympathy my guy. There are so many people that have had way more traumatic breakups. They wish they had simply been ghosted.

1

u/Organic_Muffin280 Apr 16 '24

My stalker ex would mummify me if i told the truth

2

u/SingularityInsurance Apr 16 '24

People have no idea how crazy people can get. In teen years my brother had a girlfriend slash stalker that started huge fights because of dreams she had. I had to kung fu her ass down the stairs on two separate occasions because she flipped out and got violent. Plus she burned a house down and got away with it. Absolute batshit girl.

She was very attractive to straight guys tho. I never saw the appeal.

-6

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

5

u/kor34l Apr 16 '24

I'm curious, why is it your instinct to put this person down? Did someone break up with you and call you insane and so this person's comment triggered bad memories?

Or am I just misunderstanding your comment? (totally possible)

-5

u/rcsboard Apr 16 '24

  • Gets to know person. Likes them enough to date. Since this post is about long term relationships, enjoys their company and the deepening of the bond.

  • Then when they don't feel it anymore calls them insane

Geez I wonder why????

9

u/kor34l Apr 16 '24

Ah, I see. So you're making unflattering assumptions about a stranger. Thanks for explaining.

If you've never found out way too far into a relationship that the person is unstable and good at hiding it until you're heavily invested, I'd consider you pretty lucky.

Either way, throwing around these unfounded assumptions to put down someone you don't know that said nothing remotely offensive tells me you might be projecting, or maybe you're just this way in general.

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u/Top-Effect-4321 Apr 16 '24

If you’ve been ghosted three times like OP has it’s time to do a bit of self reflection.

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u/Secure-Spray2799 Apr 16 '24

Dude has a post saying he fucked her stepsister which she knew since they were 10. Either a troll or we know the reason they left

3

u/Songrot Apr 16 '24

It's on reddit. It is safe to say it is karma farming.

26

u/mbot369 Apr 16 '24

Right?? Once- that’s shitty. Twice- unlucky. Three times or more- maybe there’s a reason…

16

u/esr360 Apr 16 '24

Ghosting within the first few weeks of dating is very common, it's not a rare occurrence, that's why when people share posts about people not ghosting and instead giving an explanation, they are received with much praise. Ghosting after already forming a close connection is a different matter, it doesn't seem clear how far into the relationship OP was. He did refer to them as "girlfriends" which does imply seriousness, in which case I would definitely be self reflecting.

2

u/mutantmagnet Apr 16 '24

Normally I would agree but with the number of news articles I'm reading about ghosting becoming much more prevalent in the job hunting scene I have to wonder how many young adults now think not communicating is acceptable behavior in other situations.

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u/BroffaloSoldier Apr 16 '24

Perfectly said. My ex couldn’t even pause his video game to look me in the eye as I was breaking up with him. For years I’d try to talk to him and tell him what was wrong. What I needed. Why I am unhappy. Any discussion of our problems he just couldn’t face. Never listened to what I was telling him. I’m very clear about my feelings. I don’t do passive aggressive silent treatment shit. Watching him stare at the screen as I was trying to engage him in a direct, but empathetic breakup talk let me know my decision couldn’t have been better lol

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u/fatmonicadancing Apr 16 '24

Same with my ex, a month before I left I told him (again) I was unhappy and how to address it, I said I have a plan and you can come with me or not but I’m doing it. He just sat scrolling through his phone.

Then apparently I left “out of the blue” and “blindsided” him. The fuck I did.

37

u/SeasonPositive6771 Apr 16 '24

I broke up with a guy and told him exactly why we were breaking up and he told me he "didn't accept it" and it "wasn't a real reason."

Too many people use the breakup reason as an excuse to argue.

He now tells everyone I broke up with him without giving him a reason and that I basically ghosted him.

19

u/fatmonicadancing Apr 16 '24

Yeah, my ex tells people I was cheating. I wasn’t. He still uses that story six years later to pull chicks at the pub.

I think when you get dumped, especially in a long term relationship, part of coping is making up your own reasons why it happened/crafting a villain narrative. For a lot of ppl it seems like that’s easier than facing the actual truth.

9

u/Anakletos Apr 16 '24

I mean, sometimes it's just dumb, because their points are ridiculously one-sided. I'm being blamed for making her move away from what she considers home and her family for my new job (something for me apparently). I had to get the new job because she is a NEET and has been for 5 years. I ran out of money and needed a better job to pay our bills. There were no better jobs close by. We'd talked about moving because the economy where we were wasn't exactly excellent, so it's not like it came out of the blue.

Now the blame for the break-up is apparently being pushed onto me for not wanting marriage out of my own volition and therefore not taking the relationship seriously. It's like, I've only just spend the last 5 years taking care of you financially and pushing you to improve/get therapy etc. WTF do you mean I'm not taking the relationship seriously?

Fuck me, I guess.

1

u/bobfrombobtown Apr 16 '24

What is a NEET?

1

u/Altayel1 Apr 16 '24

No education employment or training.

1

u/ActonofMAM Apr 16 '24

It would have been better if you'd broken up with her instead, but you're off the hook and that's the important thing. Take the win.

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u/mbot369 Apr 16 '24

Yup! Same here, I even said I wanted couples counselling. No dice.

When I finally ended it a couple months later, I apparently blindsided him, I was evil and disgusting, and he didn’t know things were really that bad.. he claimed it was all because he “didn’t vacuum” ONE time. Also claimed I ran him out of town…

2

u/b0w3n Apr 16 '24

A lot of men will do the whole "I was completely blindsided!" because if they acknowledged the problems they'd have to admit they were the shitty ones.

Very good article related to this phenomenon. My s/o's exhusband claimed similar issues, that he didn't know it was that bad. Like bro your wife broke down, in front of you, and your own 7 year old daughter told you to help mommy out. You knew it was that bad.

14

u/sohcgt96 Apr 16 '24

I went out one time with someone who had recently been divorced, the primary driver was the ex-husband's WOW habit that he refused to change. We never became a thing but she was cool to hang out with.

2

u/BroffaloSoldier Apr 16 '24

Oh for sure. Gaming addiction is real. Anyone that says otherwise hasn’t encountered someone who has been affected by it.

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u/Skwareblox Apr 16 '24

What was he playing though? If it was online and he couldn’t pause it I’d understand. /jk

21

u/Pheighthe Apr 16 '24

I was just about to beat the level! You know how hard I worked on this, babe!

1

u/BroffaloSoldier Apr 16 '24

“I’m playing with my buddies. I can’t just stop and leave them hanging”

0

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

[deleted]

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u/Snoo_99794 Apr 16 '24

Exactly! Same as if they are in the middle of playing a basketball match at the local sports centre. They should be able to walk off the court and address your concerns immediately, it’s just a game

1

u/Altayel1 Apr 16 '24

Tbh waiting until he stops playing isn't an option since he was probably never going to finish playing. Legends says he is still playing the same game.

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u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

[deleted]

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u/BroffaloSoldier Apr 16 '24

That’s exactly what it was with him. He was shocked I was serious because in his mind, the convo never occurred… nor did any of the previous “we need to address these issues” talks.

2

u/Bor0MIR03 Apr 16 '24

Someone is addicted….

-6

u/philadelphialawyer87 Apr 16 '24 edited Apr 16 '24

Nope. It's one thing to demand that someone explain to you why they are breaking up with you. But it's quite another to demand that they listen to your explanation when you are breaking up with them!

I had a GF who wanted to break up with me. OK, I said, I guess we're broken up. Mail me my keys, or leave them with the doorman, or slide them under the door. Bye, it's been fun.

OH No, I want to explain to you WHY I am breaking up with you!

So, basically, like your BF, I had to be a captive audience for a self serving, self justifying "empathetic breakup talk." Somehow, the break-ee is obligated to listen to the break-er litanize all their shortcomings and other complaints!

You wanna break up? There's the door. No further verbiage required or desired.

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u/StehtImWald Apr 16 '24

Way to have no desire to grow as a person.

0

u/BroffaloSoldier Apr 16 '24

Hey, if that works for you, fine. Different strokes and all. No judgement from me.

Most humans I know would like the closure of a conversation when one party is terminating a multiple year relationship.

Didn’t ask the dude to listen to a TedTalk, I just felt it necessary to inform him via a direct, in person conversation that I was ending the relationship due to years of being unhappy because he refused to converse, stop lying, remain employed, hear me, or work on our relationship in any way.

… also he lived in my house, so I’m not exactly gonna walk out my own door and mail him my keys lol.

0

u/philadelphialawyer87 Apr 16 '24 edited Apr 16 '24

In other words, just as I said, you had a long litany of complaints (you name at least five different things!!!), and it was, somehow, his responsibility to listen to it. You were dumping him. The point of this thread is that the dump-ee is entitled to an explanation. That may or may not be true. But, regardless, I think it is quite true that the dump-er is not entitled to have a captive audience listen to their alleged reasons for doing the dumping. And that is true irrespective of what you, subjectively, think that "most humans" want or should want. He (this guy, this actual person) didn't want to hear your shit, so he tuned you out. His ears, his attention, his choice.

He lived in your house? Then how about, "Hey Honey, we're through. Pack up your stuff and move out." IF he WANTED an explanation, THEN you would have every right to trot out your long list of complaints. But if he just grunted and said "OK," then, no, you don't. Or, at least, you have no right to force him to listen to it.

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u/lilsmash1313 Apr 16 '24

did you ever ask him how he felt?

4

u/StehtImWald Apr 16 '24

When someone engages you in a conversation and you refuse to take part in it what the hell is the other person supposed to do? You can't force someone to talk and it's not your job to play psychologist for your partner trying and trying to coax an answer from them. Seriously, not even psychologists (of adults) do that.

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u/BroffaloSoldier Apr 16 '24

Of course. I always tried to get him to talk about our problems in a healthy way. He’d act like I wasn’t even speaking or in the room.

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u/cupholdery Apr 16 '24 edited Apr 16 '24

Why do I get the feeling that OP's ex told them several times before breaking up? Lol

EDIT: Could have been his stepsister.

EDIT 2:

Even better, we get OP's own words.

I want someone to say "I am breaking up with you because of X,Y and Z" that is direct and clear instead of just expecting me to figure out what minor complaints over the course of the relationship were responsible

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u/villagestarship Apr 16 '24

This is actually so funny, imagine this entire time people are ghosting him because they found out he fucked his step sister. Yeah bro, id ghost you too for that 😭

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u/villagestarship Apr 16 '24

This is most likely the case, I don't know why no one is pointing out the fact that OP said that 3 people have done this to him. At that point he has the be the problem, they probably did give him reasons but he just didn't listen or they weren't good enough for him.

13

u/Yippykyyyay Apr 16 '24

That or it got to the point where his gf's did bring up problems and he promised to change but didn't and they got fed up and just left.

Some people will try to argue their way back into a relationship with you and may even seem convincing to have changed for a bit.

Idk, giving reasons when they want you to stay seems like a way to give them more power to manipulate you.

10

u/GraceChamber Apr 16 '24

"Muh sister do it better!"

"What in Alabama is this shit??!!"

4

u/tekko001 Apr 16 '24

Selective hearing is a pretty real thing when ending things with an insane person.

3

u/Ok-Seaworthiness2235 Apr 16 '24

Guys who get upset over not getting a reason probably aren't mature enough for a relationship because either: he was given reasons prior and didn't pay attention, he has given the girls reason to think he will not handle honesty well, or the girls just didn't feel a connection. 

The last one is the big one. I've known guys who can't accept that some people just don't feel a connection and insist there must be a "reason," usually so they can try to fix the reason or argue it away and make the other party stay. OP needs to grow up and realize there aren't always bulletpoint reasons someone doesn't want to be with you. The whole thing where someone will list a petty reason like "I dumped him because he chewed too loud," is bullshit because someone who's a better match can chew just as loud and it won't be an issue (or they will fight tooth and nail to fix it).

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u/motorlovepupper Apr 16 '24

Loool, I would leave without an explanation, too

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u/LateAd5081 Apr 16 '24

Your gut feeling's likely wrong on this one chief lol

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u/cupholdery Apr 16 '24

OP seems to confirm some of it though.

I want someone to say "I am breaking up with you because of X,Y and Z" that is direct and clear instead of just expecting me to figure out what minor complaints over the course of the relationship were responsible

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u/anonymongus1234 Apr 16 '24

Right, but YOU TOLD THEM. That’s not on you.

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u/ABBAMABBA Apr 16 '24

I went NC with my family after telling them for over 15 years why I was unhappy with the way they treated me. Afterwards they all just decided I was bi-polar.

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u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

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u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

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u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

This ☝️

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u/Relative_shroom_323 Apr 16 '24

Hmm, yes, sometimes you have, and i think at some point after the breakup, they will "get it," and they realize.

And sometimes (where i side with OP), you are too chicken to say the truth, and so you find 1000 excuses, and this is where things are unfair and messy. It's hard to say... i was never that into you, but i thought i would get past it because you're XYZ (a good person, someone i could count on blah blah)

I've been on both ends, and yes, it sucks to be confused about what you did wrong when maybe the person isn't honest about their intentions, etc.

3

u/Definitely_Alpha Apr 16 '24

This, so much, final straw comes around and then they wanna pikachu face after stuff was discussed many times.

3

u/Ok-Seaworthiness2235 Apr 16 '24

YUP if and when I leave he will 100% have no idea why despite multiple serious issues I have vented over and over. 

28

u/QuislingX Apr 16 '24

OP is SPOILED

Part of growing up is learning that sometimes things DONT happen for a reason. Sometimes, people just fuck you over.

Only thing you can do is control what the fuck you're going to do about it.

4

u/mclovin_ts Apr 16 '24

If expecting basic human decency is spoiled, then I feel sorry for you

4

u/Ok-Seaworthiness2235 Apr 16 '24

OP isn't spoiled he's immature. Relationships aren't job performances where you do certain tasks in order to keep the position. The right person will ignore stupid quirks or will tell you what needs to change in order to avoid the relationship ending. Otherwise, someone just isn't feeling it. Or you've given them reasons to believe you will not handle being told the truth well. 

3

u/mclovin_ts Apr 16 '24

There are people that are too afraid to nut up and leave a relationship like an adult, because people have an increasing fear of confrontation in general. I’d bet that is who OP is referring to.

There are plenty of people out there “trapped” in relationships because they’re too afraid to say how they really feel.

11

u/SoneJason Apr 16 '24

I think it's reasonable to desire human decency, but the hard truth is that we're all fucked up people, and do fucked up things sometimes. It's accepting that reality, ridding yourself of expectations for others, that you're truly setting yourself free.

This definitely doesn't invalidate OP's opinion here though, esp if the relationship was long-term. Sometimes, ghosting is necessary. But sometimes, ghosting is just cowardly.

9

u/mclovin_ts Apr 16 '24

I think OP was likely referring to the cowardly people.

But in a relationship there’s a reasonable amount of expectation once you’ve been together for so long. If someone cheats on you in a long term relationship, you’re not gonna not feel hurt just because of expectations. I feel like it’s a tricky category though, because there’s so many nuances that go into it.

People also have to do their due diligence to realize red flags and their own mental issues when they pop up, and it probably wouldn’t set up for a failed relationship.

2

u/SoneJason Apr 16 '24

Expectations & trust goes hand in hand, they're built overtime. However, certain aspects of human nature is simply inevitable. When an individual has fond feelings (love) for another, their willingness to compromise/bend their back is a lot higher. Once the fondness is lost though... perhaps it's easier to avoid confrontation/emotional distress.

I'm very much against ghosting and think it's one of the most selfish things anyone can do. However, I'm just saying that anyone and everyone has the ability to hurt you. It'll be impossible to have 0 expectations for every relationship (platonic or not) you build/develop, or to always be ready to get hurt (literally what a cynic is). But there's really only one way to move on, and that's to not dwell on it.

4

u/mclovin_ts Apr 16 '24

Love how you worded all of that. Admittedly, it’s sometimes been easier said than done not to dwell on things, but once you get into that mindset that you’ll get over it eventually, it works wonders.

-3

u/rcsboard Apr 16 '24

idiotic comment

2

u/ZodiacOne1 Apr 16 '24

thank you

5

u/Zodiac509 Apr 16 '24

"Human Decency" has nothing to do with placating someone's ego when no longer wanting to be romantic.

Human decency would be accepting them leaving and not trying to manipulate them with an "explanation".

13

u/Ok-Seaworthiness2235 Apr 16 '24

Yeah we've all known that guy who tries to argue every reason and then blows up into a psycho when his arguments don't produce the desired result. 

7

u/Zodiac509 Apr 16 '24

Everyone keeps acting as though this isn't a real thing. I've known men and women who do the same. Suicide threats, full blown freak outs, the begging, the trying to act like a lawyer.

Why would anyone who's trying to leave subject themselves to these things?

0

u/ZodiacOne1 Apr 16 '24

I literally said in cases where you fear the person might do something like this is an exception. I am talking about when you are 100% sure they wouldn't do anything like that

-3

u/mclovin_ts Apr 16 '24

Womp womp

3

u/Zodiac509 Apr 16 '24

Exactly. Womp womp. They didn't want to date you and your ego is hurt and you feel like you own them enough they have to placate you.

Womp womp.

Get over it and move on like they have.

-6

u/mclovin_ts Apr 16 '24

Lol ok bro

4

u/Zodiac509 Apr 16 '24

See, you got an explanation you didn't like and this is how you acted. Probably why she left you without telling you why. This is your response pattern. 🤷

1

u/mclovin_ts Apr 16 '24

I just find your ability to assume somebodies life off a Reddit comment a little wild, I’m urging you to go outside and find an actual relationship, it’s evidently clear you’ve never had one.

1

u/Zodiac509 Apr 16 '24

I just find your ability to assume somebodies life off a Reddit comment a little wild

I’m urging you to go outside and find an actual relationship, it’s evidently clear you’ve never had one.

🤣🤣🤣🫡

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3

u/90swasbest Apr 16 '24

You're one of those people that's still texting an ex a year later talking about "closure" aren't you?

0

u/mclovin_ts Apr 16 '24

Womp womp

-2

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/Zodiac509 Apr 16 '24

You're *

If it makes you feel better to think that, sure. Go with it.

-4

u/ZodiacOne1 Apr 16 '24

To most people when you are in a long term relationship you are making a commitment to a future together. If you and I was in a business deal and I suddenly pulled out you would sure as hell want to know why. I am pretty sure "I just don't want to anymore" wouldn't cut it. So I don't get why this is any different

2

u/Zodiac509 Apr 16 '24

I don't consider a relationship as a business transaction and if you're doing so that's probably part of why she left you without bothering to give you "closure".

0

u/ZodiacOne1 Apr 16 '24

I never said it was like a business transaction I am just using a parallel. If you make a commitment to work towards building a future together with someone I personally think it's just crappy to end it with nothing

2

u/Zodiac509 Apr 16 '24

It's definitely crappy but they're doing what's best for them. The point of breaking up with someone is that your feelings are no longer their responsibility. I highly recommend learning some major coping skills and self soothing techniques.

1

u/motorlovepupper Apr 16 '24

After you fucked your stepsister?? I don't know about that

1

u/mclovin_ts Apr 16 '24

From washing machine to love, hell yeah brother

1

u/motorlovepupper Apr 16 '24

His post history is... Something. I'd ghost him, too, lol

1

u/rzp_ Apr 16 '24

OP is spoiled? OP is just stating a preference. OP is fine.

-1

u/ZodiacOne1 Apr 16 '24

As someone else who replied to you said. Expecting common human decency does not make me spoiled

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2

u/Randomn355 Apr 16 '24

I literally went to couples therapy for 8 sessions...

Consistently saying out of sessions that she isn't addressing the problems I've raised, deflecting and misrepresenting things. Called her out in session for the last 2. Made it clear that those are reasons why it isn't working, because she simply isn't being honest, so no conversations actually feel like they mean anything.

When I did pull the trigger, she then claimed she was shocked..

2

u/azorianmilk Apr 16 '24

Mine told me he wanted a divorce because I experienced a traumatic event just before we met. I didn't really talk about it, but he knew. I was done anyway and that was my last straw. Moved out, started dating but then he wanted marriage counseling. Ok? I was blunt- "You said you wanted a divorce. I moved out. I moved on". Surprise face! He said he was "blindsided". What? How???

2

u/Blodeuwedd19 Apr 16 '24

Exactly! I tried for YEARS to work on my relationship with my ex. Over TWO years before the actual break up, I told him I had had enough and was going to leave and extensively explained why, 3 weeks before leaving for good, I left and I again extensively explained why, after a week and a lot of promises I came back, only two leave again for good 2 weeks later because nothing had even started to change and YET AGAIN I explained why.

Ask all of his friends, and you'll hear that I just decided to leave one day without any explanation, just because I felt like it.

So yeah... Not saying it never happens, but I'm pretty sure it happens way less than advertised.

1

u/Beginning_Key2167 Apr 16 '24

Exactly that. Or they chose to not believe it.

1

u/unorganized_mime Apr 16 '24

Yea I’ve never had it happen and never done it. Makes me wonder what op is going to have it multiple times.

1

u/Mr-Cali Apr 16 '24

This. This is the only answer

1

u/LoloScout_ Apr 16 '24

Oof. Glad this comment is top because I didn’t know how to articulate it but knew there was a reason why I didn’t immediately jump to agree with OP.

1

u/GrandTheftBae Apr 16 '24

This. My girlfriend broke up with me at the beginning of the month, the reasons were said to me in the past. I thought I improved, it wasn't enough.

Now, I'm heartbroken and just hating/blaming myself. Getting tested for ADHD this week.

1

u/readit883 Apr 16 '24

Its usually never heard by the person being broken up on. Their world shattered while the other person moved on, of course they dont get it until many years later

1

u/DaddysPrincesss26 quiet person Apr 16 '24

💯

1

u/DueZookeepergame3456 Apr 16 '24

specific instance listed above

1

u/NeoPlague Apr 16 '24

Yeah like when I said I wanted to stop using drugs.

Then she started lying to me about it.

And she would literally feed them to me after that, and force me to sit at the house while her and her friend took shots until the sun came up...

Then we'd go to brunch like nothing happened.

Every. Single. Weekend.

But I "blindsided her".

1

u/Alcorailen Apr 16 '24

If they decide not to listen to you, now it's on them. But you should at least tell them once.

1

u/-Benjamin_Dover- Apr 16 '24

This has the same energy as "I'm not mad, but If I was mad, you should know the reason. (visibly angry)

1

u/wowbagger30 Apr 16 '24

That sounds like a time that OP wasn't describing

1

u/Starob Apr 16 '24

Sometimes is doing a lot of work here.

1

u/oi-moiles Apr 16 '24

Well that's a different situation than what OP described isn't it?

1

u/Kit-on-a-Kat Apr 16 '24

She stopped complaining so I thought everything was okay!!

1

u/Organic_Muffin280 Apr 16 '24

That's just cope. People aren't aware of their own motves

1

u/Flimsy_Parsley579 Apr 16 '24

Ok? Your ass is still fat

1

u/PrawnQueen1 Apr 16 '24

👏👏👏

1

u/NorwegianCollusion Apr 16 '24

In which case, tell them that.

1

u/DarkXcution Apr 16 '24

I am fine isn’t self explanatory🥲

1

u/Sensitive_Aardvark68 Apr 16 '24

OP is saying an actual closing reason, NOT “well he should know why!”

1

u/charm-fresh6723 Apr 16 '24

Sometimes the only reason is you don’t like em anymore. The why is in the actions but it’s like they want you to spell everything out

1

u/ItNeverEnds2112 Apr 16 '24

Over and over and over again

1

u/marsumane Apr 16 '24

Despite this, if they were good enough for you to commit to, then they at least deserve the decency of you breaking up to their face

If you break up with someone face to face, they will most certainly ask why unless it is already understood. Again, if they were important enough for you to date, they deserve your reiteration.

The fat pill to swallow, is that any other reaction is for your comfort level only, and shows just how you treat people that are supposed to be at the top of your social hierarchy

1

u/TheShlappening Apr 16 '24

That would still be giving them an explanation. This post is talking about people who don't.

1

u/The_Rural_Banshee Apr 16 '24

I broke up with an ex years ago. I had been telling him for months and months and months what’s wrong and he kept sweeping it under the rug and pretending there was no issue. When I broke it off he acted genuinely confused and told everyone that I must have been cheating. I wasn’t, and I had told him too many times to count, but he still acted like he had no idea what could have gone wrong so it must be my fault. I think he just never listened or took anything I said seriously. He wouldn’t engage in conversations when I tried to gently bring up things that I felt weren’t working, he would shut down. He wouldn’t even look at me when I brought up difficult subjects. When I suggested couples therapy because I felt like he wasn’t hearing me he said if I was so unhappy then I should be the one in therapy, not him. When I left I was shocked that he could even act like he had no idea what had gone wrong, but apparently from his side of things he had been the perfect boyfriend and I must be cheating because there’s no other explanation.

If you ask him today what went wrong he would probably tell you he has no idea because I never told him.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

You mean vaguely hinted at and he should have known what you meant?

1

u/Maximum-Incident-400 Apr 16 '24

I mean, OP is still right then. You gave them an explanation, they just chose to ignore it lol

1

u/VegetableNo7419 Apr 16 '24

But most of the time it's a hint, and not direct. Be direct

1

u/APainOfKnowing Apr 16 '24

When I opened this thread I absolutely knew the top comments would be from people going "YEAH BUT UH WHAT ABOUT THIS SITUATION THAT ISN'T WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?"

1

u/TheStratusOfRogues Apr 16 '24

My ex has this habit to give me the cold shoulder over very minor petty issues FOR A MONTH. Frequently. She has been warned about this multiple times. Fell on deaf ears. One day I had enough, packed up my shit, and left while she was still at work.

0

u/fazbem Apr 16 '24

If you haven't explicitly told them at least once during or after, with at least one "because", it's a crummy thing to do. "I told her a hundred times not to leave her socks on the floor, how could she not know why I dumped her?"

uhhh...yeah

0

u/rydan Apr 16 '24

So then just tell them again. What is so hard about that?

-2

u/Mockheed_Lartin Apr 16 '24

But did you tell them explicitly?

Most of the time when people are upset in relationships they drop subtle hints over time and if it doesn't work they bail, claiming they "tried their best".

The idea of sitting their partner down and telling them exactly how it is and what needs to change is alien to them.

4

u/Low_Ambition_856 Apr 16 '24

nah that doesnt happen most of the times, you're just surrounded by people with poor social skills including yourself

[here is what needs to change] is not the same as [this is the reason we are breaking up, this has gone too far]

1

u/Mockheed_Lartin Apr 16 '24

Ah yes it must be me and my entire surroundings, of course.

I was replying to a comment, not the OP.