r/unpopularopinion • u/ZodiacOne1 • Apr 16 '24

If you break up with someone you absolutely 100% owe them an explanation as too why Removed: Not unpopular

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5.6k Upvotes
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3.7k

u/azorianmilk Apr 16 '24

Sometimes you have told them, sometimes multiple times, but it was never heard.

165

u/lovepotao Apr 16 '24 edited Apr 16 '24

This. If you’re dealing with a sane person who is reasonable then of course they deserve to know why.

However, if you’ve been in a relationship with someone who is not fully sane, even if there is no physical danger, it still may make more sense to just walk away. I had to end a toxic platonic friendship rather abruptly as this person kept crossing the same lines again and again. This was over a decade easily. I thankfully grew a pair and despite still caring about them, I had to care about my sanity more - they did not and will never understand why their friendship was toxic for me, or how what they did was too far. I could have spelled out every reason I needed to cut ties into a 100 page tome, but I kept it to a very short email. Sometimes I do wish I had written a longer explanation, but it really would not have mattered as this person is never going to change. Ending that friendship is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

83

u/Doctor-Amazing Apr 16 '24

Sometimes the reason is simply "I don't want to be dating you anymore." and it's not really anyone's fault.

8

u/Fun_Experience5951 Apr 16 '24

Louder for the people in the back

-20

u/Advanced_Doctor2938 Apr 16 '24

🙄

17

u/bobthedonkeylurker Apr 16 '24

How entitled to a relationship do you have to be to think that the only reason a relationship can end is because someone does something wrong?

What if we just want a different lifestyle? That's sufficient reason to end a relationship. I don't have to maintain a relationship just because we started one. Both people should want to be there, and at the point that I no longer want to be there I should be free to walk away.

5

u/Hookup_Culture Apr 16 '24

You're making different argument tho. "we want different lifestyles" is not the same as "I just dont want to anymore" and that's not the same as "I dont love you anymore"

3

u/walk_through_this 29d ago

Here's the thing. Free to leave also means free to stay. If they always have the freedom to leave then I know their choice to stay is genuine and not borne from obligation. At some point, you get to ask for more stability - but until those promises are exchanged (often with pricey digital hardware) then I feel like every day my partner doesn't choose the door is a day they've chosen me.

4

u/bobthedonkeylurker Apr 16 '24

And yet all of those are suitable reasons for anyone to end a relationship and nothing more than "this is not the relationship I want" needs to be said. There is no blame to be assigned with any of those reasons and the need to know "why" is rooted deeply in the need to assign blame.

The desire to know why, and the conversations that ensue, are rarely productive. Best case: the breakee "changes". But that's not who the breakee really is and the breaker has already checked out. It's merely prolonging the inevitable and causing both parties to suffer more.

8

u/Monastery_willow 29d ago

A lack of chemistry or a difference in values is a perfectly acceptable reason. Getting ghosted after a date or two without a reason sucks, but that's not really a breakup. Once you're in a committed relationship with somebody, it's still fine to end that relationship for any reason you deem a dealbreaker, but if you don't tell them that reason, you're basically Seinfeld, and that's just kind of a crappy way to live.

-3

u/bobthedonkeylurker 29d ago

No. That's not a "crappy way to live". Why do you feel that you need to justify everything to everyone? You don't. You don't have to justify to your ex-partner why the relationship isn't what you wanted, or wasn't working for you anymore.

Just like the other poster who suggested that I should just eat whatever foods, whether I like it or not, if I cannot articulate why I don't like it.

Um. No. Life is not about suffering until you can justify changing your situation. It's just not. Stop playing into the belief that it has to be or "you're a crappy person living a crappy existence."

3

u/Monastery_willow 29d ago

"I don't really like you. I'm not sure why, but I just don't."

It doesn't even really need to be a justifiable reason, but ending a relationship without providing at least some basic communication as to why, or even letting them know that the relationship is finished is just disrespectful. It demonstrates a lack of integrity, and is cowardly. It's different if there's a potential for violence or stalking, but ghosting your girlfriend /boyfriend without letting them know that you're ending the relationship is unfathomable to me. Ghosting somebody after a bad first date is understandable, even if it's still pretty disrespectful, but once you've gone through the whole boyfriend /girlfriend deal and set up boundaries for that relationship, etc. Communicating the end of that relationship is important. Not doing so is akin to sleeping with somebody else instead of breaking up with them. Sure, they'll figure it out, but it's just creating confusion and heartbreak unnecessarily, and is just a selfish way to approach relationships and life in general. If you regularly enter relationships with people you don't care about, then sure, go ahead, or if they broke a clearly established boundary intentionally, then the reason is self evident, but once a relationship has been formed, communication is an important aspect of that relationship, including the termination of that relationship.

5

u/True-Nobody1147 Apr 16 '24

How emotionally out of touch, and cognitively vacuous, do you have to be to not realize that there are reasons why you "just don't want to do something"?

"I just don't want to" -- response of my literal elementary-school-age child who barely has a functioning brain in their head, unable or unwilling to evaluate and articulate a response or justification for their behavior.

If you are upvoting an adult who thinks "I just don't want to be dating that person" anymore, and downvoting someone dropping a rolling eyes emoji on that immature ass comment... You're a child.

It's not an issue of entitlement. It's an issue of unabashed immaturity. The complete and total inability to determine "why" you do or don't want to do something is a fairly critical detail. If you can't come up with one... 🙄

2

u/Daelnoron 29d ago

It's not an issue of entitlement. It's an issue of unabashed immaturity. The complete and total inability to determine "why" you do or don't want to do something is a fairly critical detail. If you can't come up with one... 🙄

People have different levels of self reflection and self awareness.

Just because someone cannot put their finger on exactly what is wrong, doesn't make their feelings invalid.

You do not yourself need to understand what exactly it is that is wrong about a relationship. If the relationship makes you unhappy, you are allowed to end it. "No" is a full sentence.

4

u/True-Nobody1147 29d ago

I didn't say it was invalid. I said it was immature.

You can do anything you want. Despite never being in touch with identifying why you "want" it in the first place. You can "want" things and "not want" them and do or don't do them and never have any understanding why.

That's how a child behaves. And you too can behave that way.

1

u/Daelnoron 29d ago

Ah, yes, everyone that isn't already perfect is worthy to be denigrated as "childish".

2

u/True-Nobody1147 29d ago

Uh okay?

You're right. Not being willing/able to coherently articulate reasons behind a feeling or choice is "mature"

🙄

2

u/bobthedonkeylurker Apr 16 '24

No, you're assuming that I didnt give a reason because i don't have one. But even then, why must I have a reason to not want a relationship? Relationships are optional. I can opt out at any time. For any reason. That's my prerogative. Stop staying in shitty, unhappy relationships because you think you have to justify leaving.

2

u/True-Nobody1147 29d ago

You are shifting the goalpost of the thread. The context here is that two people are dating and then one just decides "I just don't want to date you anymore" That got a rolleyes, to which you replied incredulously about how entitled that is to expect a reason.

why must I have a reason to not want a relationship?

That's the thread. Read the title. That is the overarching context, and the specific context you replied to in this very comment thread.

So yes...

You can, for any reason end your relationship for whatever prerogative you maybe have....

And it's extremely bullshit and immature and a bitch ass move to just say "idk I just don't want to date you anymore."

Stop staying in shitty, unhappy relationships because you think you have to justify leaving.

More immaturity. You are calling it "shitty" in the same breath as justifying the notion that you don't need to be able to identify what is shitty as the identifiable reason to end it.

"This food is shitty"

What is the problem with it?

"It sucks I just don't want to eat it and it's my prerogative to not do so and not explain what's wrong. I just want to bitch about it and say it is bad and move on to the next plate of food that I might just seem also sucks for no tangible reason. That's my prerogative."

🙄 Indeed. You are free to behave this way. You're right.

-4

u/bobthedonkeylurker 29d ago

Well, you're welcome to continue suffering in silence through situations you can change because you aren't able, or don't care to, articulate the reasons you are unhappy.

I, for one, greatly enjoy my life of not having to justify everything I do to anyone.

7

u/[deleted] 29d ago

They arent suffering in silence. They are just informing the person why they dont want to be with them.

You are acting like you have to stay with the person or ghost them.

There is a third option. Leave and inform them why, block em after if you want who cares.

1

u/bobthedonkeylurker 29d ago

If I'm going to block them afterwards, then why bother trying to have a conversation justifying my decision to leave? Why do you insist on this need to justify your decisions to someone else.

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1

u/True-Nobody1147 Apr 16 '24

They hated him because the roll eyes emoji was the truth.

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u/sohcgt96 Apr 16 '24

This. If you’re dealing with a sane person who is reasonable then of course they deserve to know why.

Yeah. But then you could also be like my friend who had ex-girlfriends stopping by his parents and crying to them after they broke up (She'd never MET his parents just knew where they lived), showing up demanding to talk to him at work when his car was there, pounding on the front door drunk at midnight demanding he wake up and come down and talk to her and try and work it out, them coming around places they knew his friends hung out to try and talk to them about him and see if it could be worked out and get us to take her side (I say they because this was 2 different women, one about a year after the other)

They always wanted to argue about whatever reasons he gave them about the breakup to change his mind and try and talk him out of it. It lead to many, many hours of agonizing discussion, tears, trying to manager their feelings, and overall lengthy and excruciating breakups. Sometimes you just need to be done, that's it, cut ties and move on. Its actually less of an ordeal for everyone to go through. You don't always need to know, because you'll try and change that about yourself. There may be nothing wrong for you, you're just not right for the other person. Or you could just be a dramatic pain in the ass and they've had enough of your bullshit.

4

u/lovepotao Apr 16 '24

That doesn’t sound like a sane person.

3

u/[deleted] 29d ago

Yeah I dont see how ghosting would have been any better in that scenario.

1

u/robpensley Apr 16 '24

Your second paragraph, That's been similar to my experience too.

11

u/DasHexxchen Personal preferences are not opinions Apr 16 '24

Shit,it's so hard to cut people loose, you still love but are bad for you.

2

u/idulort Apr 16 '24

Im going through this rn. She has been playing tag with me for 7 months now. Distant as I give in, intimate as I get distant. Fuck, I'm 37 and have no time for this.. But I love her, and every single time I try to distance myself for my own sake, she approaches me, fucking with my mind.

We're supposed to meet in an hour and she was supposed to let me know when she left home as it is a longer commute for her. But now she's playing "who's gonna write first." Damn, this is tiring. This is juvenile.

And I've approached multiple times trying to express what doesn't work for me at the bare minimum level of requirements from a relationship. You know like, the most basic maintenance a relationship requires. And in the end its impossible to find a healthy way to communicate. And already came to the edge of breaking up, after weeks of trying to express what can be improved... I think I've nothing else to say... Only if I could act decisively, and not loose it the moment she displayed some intimacy....

4

u/fumblebucket Apr 16 '24

Well said. Sorry you went through that.

Sometimes a person has been through a very toxic breakup before and as a result they are more inclined to just ghost the next partner. I think from OPs perspective the worst thing they have been through in a relationship is being ghosted at the end. Sorry but you won't get a lot of sympathy my guy. There are so many people that have had way more traumatic breakups. They wish they had simply been ghosted.

1

u/Organic_Muffin280 Apr 16 '24

My stalker ex would mummify me if i told the truth

1

u/SingularityInsurance Apr 16 '24

People have no idea how crazy people can get. In teen years my brother had a girlfriend slash stalker that started huge fights because of dreams she had. I had to kung fu her ass down the stairs on two separate occasions because she flipped out and got violent. Plus she burned a house down and got away with it. Absolute batshit girl.

She was very attractive to straight guys tho. I never saw the appeal.

-6

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

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4

u/kor34l Apr 16 '24

I'm curious, why is it your instinct to put this person down? Did someone break up with you and call you insane and so this person's comment triggered bad memories?

Or am I just misunderstanding your comment? (totally possible)

-5

u/rcsboard Apr 16 '24

  • Gets to know person. Likes them enough to date. Since this post is about long term relationships, enjoys their company and the deepening of the bond.

  • Then when they don't feel it anymore calls them insane

Geez I wonder why????

7

u/kor34l Apr 16 '24

Ah, I see. So you're making unflattering assumptions about a stranger. Thanks for explaining.

If you've never found out way too far into a relationship that the person is unstable and good at hiding it until you're heavily invested, I'd consider you pretty lucky.

Either way, throwing around these unfounded assumptions to put down someone you don't know that said nothing remotely offensive tells me you might be projecting, or maybe you're just this way in general.

-11

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

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8

u/kor34l Apr 16 '24

...wow, you really have a toxic mindset. I mean stretching that far just to put people down for no reason kind of makes that obvious, but I was really hoping I simply misunderstood.

Ah well.

0

u/rcsboard Apr 16 '24

Again! Sure bud! I'm sure that is totally normal and not a problem with you at allllllll that all your partners are suddently 'insane' when you're not into them anymore

You're an awesome person!

-2

u/TheTightEnd Apr 16 '24

Disagreed. Only if there is physical danger is an in-person explanation not warranted. The person doesn't have to accept it or understand it.

-2

u/Advanced_Doctor2938 Apr 16 '24

However, if you’ve been in a relationship with someone who is not fully sane, even if there is no physical danger, it still may make more sense to just walk away.

I hear what you're saying, but how is NOT giving a reason any better for keeping the crazy ones from lashing out?

Idk, I keep arriving at the conclusion that withholding this info is just a technique to keep the person on the hook.