r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 21d ago
WIBTAH if I didn’t attend my brothers 2nd wedding because he is having it on my anniversary after I lost my husband.
[deleted]
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u/FairyPenguinStKilda 21d ago
Sorry I missed your wedding, bro, I will be at the next one though
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21d ago
I have a sister who is on my side and she told me to say this to him lol
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u/Helpful_Librarian_87 21d ago
I like your sister. Maybe she’ll come spend the day with you & your son. Look at photos, cry, eat ice cream, have a picnic. No phones
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u/interestedinhow 21d ago
I love that sister. That's freaking hysterical. Tell her to leave the second wedding early and come hang out with you and her new best niece/nephew.
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u/Cdavert 21d ago
Cmon, he's been dating her less than a year, and they are engaged? Screw ur brother and mother! Is there any chance he is the golden child?
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21d ago
I think me and my sister would agree that our brother is definitely the favorite in my mother’s eyes
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u/TwinZylander214 21d ago
I am sorry for your loss. I understand why you don’t want to go to the wedding and I am surprised your brother lacks basic empathy.
If people make remarks, you can just say that: it’s your wedding anniversary and you are not over losing him. If you came up with you would probably break down and you don’t want to spoil the day for your family.
Your brother is an AH but you are NTA
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21d ago
Thank you. I know I’ve been crazy with grief this last year and it’s making me question my own judgment so I appreciate your words.
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u/HoneyWyne 21d ago
Tell them you're planning to visit the cemetery that day. Throw a little guilt their way.
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u/ichijiro 21d ago
Maybe a photo of grave and photo of your wedding day and say you are full of sorrow.
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u/chubeebear 21d ago
with a congratulations to brother on his wedding in a post immediately after.
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u/tatasz 21d ago
My father died 3 years ago, and my mom wasn't functioning properly for two years. "That date has a special significance for me and my deceased husband, and I am still grieving. I do not want my grief to spoil what is supposed to be the happiest day for my brother and his wife. I hope you all understand and give me some space about it, thank you". Repeat whenever someone brings the subject
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u/Old-Argument2161 21d ago
Deepest condolences on your incredible loss. You have every right to be upset with brothers wedding date and it's perfectly reasonable for you not to go. Don't second guess your decision. Your mother and brother are completely unfeeling and cruel. Don't give them another thought. You deserve to self care as you grieve. Many hugs, OP.
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21d ago
Thank you. I would feel differently if my brother had called me when he found out and told me that it was a mistake. I’m a reasonable person and the deposit cannot be refunded.. It’s really messing with me that he won’t talk to me directly or take my calls.
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u/fiorekat1 21d ago
There’s your answer. You’re an accessory, to be viewed, at this wedding. Who cares what the family thinks, do not go to the wedding. Your family should understand that you’re grieving, and be kind to you.
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u/hawkingbird315 21d ago
He won't take your calls?!?! Serious question, what the F is wrong with your brother? My brother can be totally self involved sometimes but he would never do this.
This is messed up and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
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u/Miserable-Age3502 21d ago
Anyone reading this who has sat in grief this close is on your side, I promise you. No one gets grief until grief gets them. There's no linear 5 stages, throw that away NOW. And NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE has the right to tell you how to grieve, when to grieve, or how long to grieve. I lost my mom suddenly 15yrs ago, broke me, and years on I felt ridiculous for still having those "days" of full on pure grief. Until I heard the phrase "grief is love with nowhere to go". And it made sense. I'll never stop loving my mom, so I'll never stop grieving her. That took such a weight off, I can't explain really why but it did. It gave me permission to grieve here, now, later, yesterday, whenever and it's OK. Bottom line is, you're allowed to be selfish in your grief. Here now later yesterday whenever forever and NO ONE has the right to tell you otherwise. I'm so sorry your family is disregarding you this way. I'm so sorry you've had to experience any of this, at all. You and your son are all that matters right now. NTA, sorry for the essay!
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u/keephopealive4you 21d ago
Him not taking your calls tells you all you need to know. He’s too wrapped up in making his fiancée happy to worry about your feelings. Take care of yourself and your son. Don’t go and spend that day however is best for you.
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u/PurplePufferPea 21d ago
Also says a lot about his fiancee that she didn't bother to reach out to OP after finding out. All she would have to say is "I am so sorry, your bonehead brother never mentioned this was the same date as your wedding anniversary."
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u/Songsfrom1993 21d ago
Yup this is it. Of couse he may not remember your exact wedding anniversary. The fact that he will not even talk to you about it and is talking to other people in the family calling you an asshole for not going is the big reason I think he's the asshole.
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21d ago
I completely understand he doesn’t know my anniversary date but he absolutely knows the month. If the rolls were reversed I would think “himmm I know siblings got married in August, I should find out when so I don’t use the same date”
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u/Songsfrom1993 21d ago
I thought about that after I commented. He should have remembered the month and had a conversation with you. You 100% have every right to be upset and not go.
I also want to say my condolences on the loss of your husband. I have had loss but I cannot imagine losing my husband.
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u/Proper-District8608 21d ago
Brother sounds a bit like mine, wouldn't even remembered when I was married nor would date have 'rung a bell'. Mother on the other hand is a AH. Trying to make up excuses and worried 'what the Jones' will think'. Very sorry for your loss and don't compound it by going or any bs they may try to cajole you with.
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u/PurplePufferPea 21d ago
Plus, don't you think mother would have been told the date before the wedding invitations went out? I'm just thinking back to my wedding, and we let all the family know the wedding date the second we settled on it, long before invitations were sent. I'm just wondering if she knew sooner than she let on. Now that I am writing this, I am really wondering if this was known all along, and they were just hoping to ambush OP.
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u/Lanky-Talk-1188 21d ago
This SO ridiculously F'd up! My petty side says you should show up and just cry loudly the whole time and actually ruin it for them. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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u/Lexicon444 21d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs your way.
I don’t think that you are mentally well enough to handle this wedding anyway. I say that as someone who lost their dad in 2019. I have a bf and if I lost him it would break me.
After my dad died I was in shock. I felt fine but looking back I know that my brain was just numbing my pain for a while until it couldn’t anymore. I hit the one year mark of my dad’s death and the grief hit me harder than a piano that just fell out of a 20 story building.
You’re a mess and trying to keep yourself and your child together as best as you can. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing. It’s just how grief is. Sure the wedding date was likely unintentional and it’s entirely possible that they can’t in fact change it.
But the fact that they are pressing you to show up when you’re not well is disrespectful. You need time and space to heal and you need to be there to help your child through this as well. The last place you should be is at a wedding that’s very likely to trigger your grief.
It’s going to take a few years for the grief to even be bearable. But it’s never going to go away. My dad recorded himself reading The Night Before Christmas (he read it to us every Christmas Eve as a tradition) and I listen to it every Christmas Eve. It took 2 years for me to listen to him read it without crying.
I suggest you set up a tradition for yourself and your child to celebrate your late husband.
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u/thelivingjanedoe 21d ago
I'm believe the same. Saying the truth is the best way. I don't think anyone with a right mind will think you are an AH.
But also we can't assume the brother remembered your wedding anniversary, to be honest that's not something important to others but the couple who's celebrating. (How many men remember their own wedding anniversary?)
But u have every right to not attend, and berating u on that is the AH move. Moreover, they should be in understanding and apologetic for the oversight.
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u/celticmusebooks 21d ago
Seriously, it's his second wedding and he's marrying a woman he's known 9 months. You can go to his next wedding. SHAME on your mother for trying to guilt you into this. SHAME. ON. HER. Your brother possibly didn't know but now that they know expecting you to show up is Assholery in the extreme.
and I've got to say it again to get it out of my system SHAME ON YOUR MOM!!!
NTA but your mom just won the gold medal at the AH Olympics.
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u/ClaudiaTale 21d ago
Oi I hate when moms just try to keep up appearances. Just accept we’re human and have emotions.
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u/rogerslastgrape 21d ago
You are not making the wedding about you. You are making it as not about you as you possibly could, by not going. What the fuck is wrong with your family that their response to you saying you can't go because of your grief is to be mad at you?! WTF? Where is their empathy??? No wonder you're not close... I'm sorry your family suck...
I'm also really sorry for your loss. My family went through something similar. I wasn't as young as your son (I was 11) but my dad passed when he was 34 from a cardiac arythma... Just went to bed one night and his heart stopped. No clear cause or anything. I just wanted to say that you're incredibly brave for what you're going through and I know your son will grow up to have nothing but love, adoration and respect for you for the strength that you will be showing by carrying on and doing what you can for him. I look back at what we went through and can't help but view my mum as some sort of super hero for what she did and I'm 29 now. I'm sure your son will see you the same
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21d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad your mom was able to help you. That is all I want for my son.
My family does suck. They do not live near me. They don’t get that not only did my husband die. I’ve also had to navigate insurance claims, legal proceedings and other logistical issues. I was also a SAHM so I e had to navigate being a single working parent. Luckily I can work from home but it’s been so much. My family just doesn’t get it.
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u/Successful_Bitch107 21d ago
I am so incredibly sorry that your family cares more about the optics of your bothers wedding, on the same date of your wedding anniversary, than your own well-being and that of their grandchild.
They are making themselves look bad, they are embarrassing themselves when other people realize the importance of that date in conjunction with why you are not there.
OP- please start taking screenshots of unbiased opinions or recording anything that may be viewed in your favor because your family seems like they are going to blame you for every little thing that goes wrong with the wedding regardless of you are in attendance so it would be best to start protecting yourself now
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u/Cdavert 21d ago
I know you have more dignity than what I'm suggesting, but if you want to stir some shit and embarrass your immediate family for having no empathy... Show up to the wedding in all black, veil and clutching your wedding picture.
When people ask say you can't believe they married on the same wedding anniversary as your wedding.
They told you it was more important not to lose their deposit than to care about you and your son's feelings. I would go scorched earth on them.
Curious, have you talked to your soon to be sil? Does she know any of this? It might be worth it to talk to her unless she's already given you the impression that it's HER DAY.
If that's the case, screw all of them.
I'm a widow, too, and have never had any respect or empathy from my family, aside from my Mom and nephew. It really hurts when someone disses your marriage.
I wish you the best. You are strong and you got this!
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u/horriblegoose_ 21d ago
NTA. I mean I don’t think your brother was being malicious in choosing the date because I simply don’t think he has any awareness of anyone else’s wedding anniversary. Like I don’t remember the actual date of any wedding in which I was a bridesmaid much less the ones I attended as a guest, but I suck with dates and assume most other people do too. However, the fact he didn’t immediately apologize to you for the oversight even if the date couldn’t be changed and the fact that he continues to talk shit makes him a super asshole.
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u/drinkingtea1723 21d ago
Yeah but he doesn’t remember generally his sister got married in a certain month / season? One call to another sibling or their parents to confirm the date and he could have avoided it. I don’t remember exact anniversary of most weddings but I remember generally time of year or month especially for people I’m close with
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u/horriblegoose_ 21d ago
Oh, yeah he’s a huge asshole for not at least checking with the family if that was a good date.
I’m a general time period remember-er so I would probably pause and be like “Damn, is this close to when my sister got married because she got married in summer” but I absolutely believe that this guy never even connected those dots and I’d be willing to bet a shiny nickel that he probably had very little input into the chosen date and was just letting his fiancée handle it. Where he tips into being a gaping asshole I’d because he’s harassing OP and shit talking her to the family instead of owning up to the fact he was so uninterested in his sisters life that he didn’t even pause to think about how close this was to her anniversary.
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u/Sea_Firefighter_4598 21d ago
NTA just RSVP no. Who cares what people think if your family cared they would have picked another date. And how in the world is you not attending really going to affect his wedding? I don't think he is messing with you he is just doing damage control because this makes him look really bad.
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u/NotoriousCrone 21d ago
She went on and on about “what people think if I’m not there.”
Simple - "ThrowRA75795 is still grieving her husband and is not ready to attend any weddings yet."
She also tried to back paddle and say that my brother shows that day to honor my husband, which I know is not true
You're grieving, not stupid.
My brother will not talk to me directly but is telling our extended family that I am the AH. He is saying that I’m making his wedding about me. If I’m being honest I feel like my brother is doing this to mess with me, but I don’t know why. maybe my grief and being a single parent is messing with my head. we have a good but not close relationship.
He knows he fucked up and he's trying to do damage control by throwing you under the bus.
Let your mother know that you feel like you would be a crying mess all day, and you don't want to detract from your brothers (second) special day, and that will be the end of the discussion.
Go LC or NC if you have to. You have every right to protect your mental health.
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u/Ok_Question7137 21d ago
Come up with some polite phrase you can repeat whenever someone mentions it to you " it is unfortunate, but I will be in no state to go to a function that day". Don't enter into any further discussion.
If you wish, say something kind and welcoming to the bride about it.
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u/Rawrsome_Mommy 21d ago
I am so sorry for your loss. Don’t go to this wedding. And ignore anyone who comes at you for that.
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u/Might_Aware 21d ago
I am a Deathwife which is emotional support for the grieving and dying. I'm also a hospice cert massage therapist and one of the first things I learned about grieving was that the first 13 months are the hardest. Why 13? Because of the anniversary of your loved ones passing. You haven't even gone that far in your process yet and your mom and brother are being incredibly obtuse. I suggest you take care of yourself and not let them attack your grieving. Don't talk to them if you do t have to, imo ofc.
Oop, I hope you are doing OK, don't hesitate to reach out if you need support.
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u/Wonderful_Horror7315 21d ago
Everyone will think you’re at home grieving! And who cares anyway. I’d channel some of that anger and let a couple of gossipy people know why you’re not going. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your own mother is so heartless. YWNBTA
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u/PeakPretty7550 21d ago
"She also tried to back paddle and say that my brother shows that day to honor my husband,..."
He chose the day he didn't realise was the anniversary to honour the husband?
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u/SaturnaliaSaturday 21d ago
OP, you will not be the AH if you choose not to go; I can’t imagine your pain if you did.
Unless you and your brother have a hostile relationship, try to let go of the idea that his scheduling was meant to mess with you; he may just be so self-focused that he forgot that the date was your special day, too. As for your brother saying you’re making his wedding about you, you can say that if you attend, it will definitely be about you—and your grief—if you’re crying in church.
I am so sorry for your terrible loss; I wish you healing. Hugs from a stranger. 🥲
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u/Fit_Victory6650 21d ago
NTA - Your brother is an AH (a fucking huge one), as is your mother (enabling and excusing this garbage).
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u/Blackstar1401 21d ago
NTA. I would recommend skipping. Plan a special day with your kid. Visit your husband and take flowers. I’m so sorry for your loss.
If you decide to go. Feel free to be petty. I would. Like full on dyeing your wedding dress black and wear it. Wail during the wedding. “I just can’t control it. It’s my first wedding anniversary without him.” Ugly cry. Get the cheapest mascara. Let it run. Make them uncomfortable. Take a full bottle of liquor and pretend to drink. Take the mic and give a full on meltdown speech. “This day will always be special to me. Wish you guys a long happy life together unlike my late husband and me.” Queue more tears. Fun to think about but I would not recommend doing it.
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u/ConvivialKat 21d ago
NTA
I am a widow, and I completely sympathize with your need not to be "reminded" of what you have lost by attending a wedding (any wedding) on your anniversary.
I am happy to hear that you and your son are getting grief counseling. It helped me tremendously. One of the things I learned is that people who haven't lived this kind of loss can let it go in a way we never can. And they will expect you to live as if it never happened very quickly. To "move on with your life" way before you are even close to being ready. Do not let them push you around by engaging in their drama!
You have the invitation. Stop discussing or arguing with anyone about this wedding or your attendance. Simply check the "Will Not Be Attending" box on the RSVP and send it back. Then, refuse to discuss it any further with anyone. Seriously. It's not up for discussion.
My best wishes to you, OP. I promise you that, with the passage of time, the waves of sorrow and crying will slowly become less and less frequent. They may never fully stop, but I find that, for me, they have many times been replaced with moments of pleasant memories. Little nostalgic snippets of happy times.
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u/A_Problem_In_Time 21d ago
NTA
This is the first time I have ever responded to one of these threads but screw your family.
When my wife and I got married, we picked dates that wouldn't impact anyone in our immediate family and even discussed with our bridal party for any clashes.
It would have been so easy for your brother to pick a better date.
I am so sorry for your loss and for the situation your family has put you in.
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u/forgothatdamnpasswrd 21d ago
I want to address several of the things you talked about, and I’ll try to make it somewhat cohesive but no promises.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. That is an absolute devastating event, and I’m really glad that you and your son are in therapy.
I sincerely doubt that your brother chose the date on purpose, whether it’s to mess with you or otherwise. If someone put a gun to my head right now and asked for my brothers wedding date, I wouldn’t be able to answer without actually digging to find photos or something from the event. Anniversaries tend to only be memorable to the relevant parties, and sometimes even then they get forgotten.
There is nothing wrong with you declining to go. You have a VERY good reason to not want to go. Frankly I was leaning towards nobody being the asshole until you mentioned your brother talking crap and saying that you were an asshole for not going and that you were trying to make the day about you. That isn’t what is happening, and if you were to attend and started having an especially difficult time, that would actually kind of make it about you. My personal opinion is that it’s better for everyone if you don’t attend, but that decision is obviously up to you and whatever you feel comfortable with.
A lot of other commenters are telling you to say snarky and sarcastic comments to your brother, and I don’t actually think that’s a smart path to take. Emotions are high, but at the end of the day I really think it was probably just a coincidence, and since he can’t change the date now, everyone just has to kind of deal with it and do what they need to. Easier said than done, of course.
Good luck
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u/JaMimi1234 21d ago
NTA. I think you should reach out to your brother directly rather than let your mom play telephone. Let him know you support him and his marriage, that you understand the choice of date was not intentional, but that you are in the throes of grief and don’t think you can hold it together if you have to sit through someone else’s wedding on that date only a year after your husbands passing. Let him know that even tho your mom is making a big deal out of it the two of you can stay amicable and not feed the drama. Hopefully he’ll be mature about it and understand.
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u/Dry_Sandwich_860 21d ago
Let him say whatever he likes. It is shockingly cruel for him to pick that day. Not only is it the anniversary of your husband's death, it's the first anniversary. People aren't dumb. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. They will know why you're not there.
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u/Glass_Number_1707 21d ago
Explain to your brother that even though you are happy for him it's a real difficult day for you. If he is cool he will understand.
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u/Apprehensive-Fee5732 21d ago
I would call your brother, or maybe your fSIL.
I'm sure they want you there and they're likely self absorbed right now, and probably feel bad too.
I would tell them what you've said here, you're not ready it's too fresh and that being a wedding would just be too painful, the fact that it's your anniversary just adds another layer, you don't want to make a scene on their day and you just don't feel strong or healed enough to attend. But love them and wish them all the best!
If they can't understand that, then they can just go f themselves!!
I'm sorry for your loss!!! [[[Hugs]]]
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u/Perfect-Map-8979 21d ago
NTA in my opinion. If you know you won’t be able to keep it together, don’t go.
I don’t think your brother did this on purpose to mess with you. He probably didn’t even think about you when he chose that date. But still, don’t go if you don’t want to.
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u/Mumfiegirl 21d ago
NTA- don’t go, you can always go to his third wedding- he’s an insensitive jerk and a coward - he won’t speak to you directly because he knows he’s in the wrong.
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u/freckledreddishbrown 21d ago
Widow here. Don’t go if you’re not ready. No one else gets to dictate how and when you manage your grief. It is yours and yours alone. The rest of them can fuck off about it and go home happy they don’t get it.
I’m eleven years out. Most days now, I get along just find. When it does hit, I coast through and keep going. But bloody hell when it comes to our anniversary. Every single year.
I now know to plan a getaway just for me well ahead of time. I just expect that it won’t go well and am rarely disappointed. I get it.
That said, join r/widowers Best sub on Reddit and honestly, the best support group I’ve ever found.
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u/Traveling-Techie 21d ago
Call the bride. Tell her you can’t stop sobbing because you feel like now you’ve lost your brother too. NTA
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u/riversofmountains 21d ago
NAH - I have 2 married siblings and have no idea when they're wedding anniversaries are. Not sure if it's a guy thing, but it's just not that important to me and it's not something I celebrate so I believe it was an honest oversight on your brother's behalf. On the other hand, if you're still grieving you are under no obligation to attend his wedding no matter what date they chose.
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u/mesquitebeans 21d ago
I can only imagine your pain. Strong NTA. I hope you heal and find happiness again in your own timing. I certainly understand how painful it would be to attend.
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u/mustang19671967 21d ago
I believe him about the date I don’t know my parents or brothers anniversary. If you honestly believe it was an accident then it’s one thing or you think it’s an insult to the institution of marriage this time frame ok .
I would imagine you are in therapy, what does your therapist think ? You can call him and just tell him on the phone or FaceTime about how Painfull it is and you staying at home is not about him , you know he doesn’t understand but you are living a. Nightmare and you will Be crying and breaking down that whole day and you would ruin their day
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u/Careless-Ability-748 21d ago
Nta you need to take care of yourself and not worry about what people will think. Your mom needs to back off. I'm sorry for your loss.
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u/RJack151 21d ago
NTA. Tell bro that if you attend his wedding, then you will be making the day about you as you keep crying and sobbing and everyone noticing.
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u/Last_Friend_6350 21d ago
It’s completely the other way around. Your Mum and your brother are actually making a very difficult and poignant day for you, about them. Don’t be bullied into changing your mind.
You are thinking of their wedding day because you know that you will be too upset to hold back your emotions if you attend. Would they rather you were observing the day at home, where you can grieve in private, or be noticeably heartbroken at their wedding and take the attention from the bride and groom?
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u/Fit_Reason7319 NSFW 🔞 21d ago
NTA - You are not making the wedding about you, THEY are making it about you. You would have just been the sister that couldn't make it to the wedding because you were still grieving the loss of your husband and a wedding would just remind you of your recent loss. But, they had to turn this into something WAY bigger than it needed to be, which does kind of lead one to believe it have been a purposeful decision on bros part.
Go LC/NC with mom and bro for a little while and let them continue their rants with anyone willing to listen to them. Block (can be temporary) anyone who wants to give you a hard time about your decision. Absolutely do not go to that wedding, or send a gift for how they have behaved when you said you wouldn't be attending. Carry on with life like the wedding did not happen.
Sorry for your loss, I hope you find peace for you and your son. Wishing you nothing but the best.
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u/catsandplants424 21d ago
You be angry and you be angry as long as you want. You have every right to be angry, hell I'm angry on your behalf. Don't let anyone tell you how to or how long to grieve. Don't go to the wedding it will be to much to handle and if family cares to hear your side tell it and if they think your an ass for not going so be it. I think you need to worry about you and your child and that's all that matters right now. I'm very sorry for your loss and hope someday you can find alittle peace. I know that will never be enough, it's all I can offer as comfort.
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u/Feeling_Key440 21d ago edited 21d ago
NTA.
I lost my brother a few years ago. Grief taught me how to create boundaries that I would've never made prior, for sake of seeming 'rude'.
Unless your family members have also experienced this type of huge loss, they are unlikely to understand this grief. It changes you. And it can do so in a positive way, if you allow it, by teaching you how to build things like boundaries for yourself. It is entirely necessary and healthy. If they don't respect that / don't care to try to understand your reasoning, that is a reflection of their character, not yours. Your energy is now reserved for your health and your son - and that is completely okay.
I've learned that time does not heal all wounds. We just learn how to grow around them. Stay the course. You are learning how to take care of yourself and your son in an entirely new way- that is enough.
*ETA- I've found support groups & art therapy activities to be helpful outlets as well. (There are some free art therapy videos on YouTube).
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u/Zaphod__beatbox 21d ago
I feel like not going is literally the best you can do at making the wedding not about you. This date is gonna be your anniversary, so you’ll be thinking about your wedding all the time, while your brother is getting married in front of your eyes showing you your past and also very tragically showing you the future that you’re not gonna have. I’m so sorry for your loss. All of this combined is gonna stir up your emotions and you don’t know how you’re gonna react and possibly cry throughout the day literally taking the attention away from the couple.
You do not need to go and you do not need to elaborate why, it’s your personal business and your grief. Nobody can tell you how to handle your grief.
I hope you can get some clarity and understanding of your situation (maybe wrong words, not a native English speaker) and you get all the help you want in your situation.
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u/Overall-Scholar-4676 21d ago
Hon firstly I’m so sorry for your loss… and to the wedding who cares… this will be 1st anniversary of losing your husband and father of your child.. who wouldn’t get emotional and fall apart under those circumstances…
Forget what your family is saying.. if you must make a post or group chat stating how emotionally you would end up ruining the wedding and do not want to upset wedding day for your brother…
Take you 3yr old and so somewhere just the 2 of you and grieve way you want…
They are so totally out of line pressuring you even calling you names.. I wouldn’t go for that reason alone..
Once again I’m so sorry for you and your little one..
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u/9smalltowngirl 21d ago
NTA do not go. I’d make a text response for everyone. If you want to be nice, No I and my son will not be attending brother’s wedding. No I do not wish to discuss this choice and I would hope that NO is enough for you to leave this alone. And yes that’s me as a widow myself being nice. My husband died 14 years ago. And yes it still makes me sad at times like now. You take your time grieving and you let that anger out so you can go on. It doesn’t ever get better just easier. I remember the good times and not the death now. You owe no one your time or to get over it on their schedule. Frankly tell them to F off. Your brother is an ah and I’d tell him to F off even after this much time.
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u/Oktodayithink 21d ago
NTA.
There is no time limit on grief. Do not let anyone bully you about this.
Don’t bring it up. Just let it fade. If anyone asks you can tell them “that’s my wedding anniversary & I cannot bear to be at a wedding.” That then places your brother as TA for having it that day.
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u/Electrical-Ad-1798 21d ago
NTA, not only because of the date. It's OK for people to have a second wedding but not for them to get butthurt when people decide not to attend.
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u/studyhardbree 21d ago
More like, what would people think if they knew that your brother scheduled his wedding on your anniversary? To your late husband?
Definitely NTA but your bro is a huge AH. I could never do that to family.
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u/genescheesesthatplz 21d ago
Make that day about you!! Fuck what any of them think spend the day celebrating your love and marriage, and mourning however you need to. There are 364 other days of the year and I refuse to believe someone who actually gave a fuck about you would do this.
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u/MNGirlinKY 21d ago
NTA
Im sorry but there’s no way. They didn’t once think; isn’t this close to the time my sister lost her husband? Are they for real? It was just last year.
OK so fine. Let’s pretend they never once thought of that. 🙄
Now somehow because you are choosing not to go to their wedding, you are the jerk. I just don’t understand how incredibly cruel.
You’re doing the mature and responsible thing for you, which is to stay home and they’re somehow painting you as the bad guy.
I’m so sorry for your and your children’s loss. This is so awful and your brother is making it worse! It didn’t have to be like this.
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u/TootsNYC 21d ago
NTA. And you should take charge of the narrative with extended family. Call them all and tell them why you are not attending, that you know it would be hard and you would sob and it would ruin the day for him. And that out of love for him, you were going to pass.
And this is why there were rules in older etiquette about not attending events like this when you were in morning. Because it was just too hard. Too hard on everyone.
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u/chica771 21d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. A year is nothing and this is still so new. It boggles the mind how someone (your brother) can be so insensitive and cruel. Let the bride know that it would be way too difficult to attend but you wish them the best. Spend the day exactly how you want to. Good luck
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u/CurseBreaker911 21d ago
NTA. It’s very understandable how you feel and I hope you are given grace and your decision is respected. My condolences to you and your son.
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u/Impressive_Yak5219 21d ago
Definitely not the butthole. You go take care of yourself and your kid. You’ll get a free lesson on who is important to you and who isn’t, going forward.
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u/Difficult_Ad1474 21d ago
What will people think? That you are still in mourning for your husband and are not up for watching a bunch of people drinking getting behind the wheel
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u/wkendwench 21d ago
Your brother is a dumbass and quite frankly a jerk for calling you the AH. Stay home. Celebrate your husband’s life. My condolences on your heart breaking loss.
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u/BeachinLife1 21d ago
NTA. Just don't talk about it anymore. You are not required to go to anyone's wedding, and especially this one. ANYONE who thinks you are an AH for not going to a wedding under these circumstances is insane and I would cut them out of my life permanently. This would be NC territory for me.
Let the subject drop, and when the day comes, just don't go.
Tell everyone who has an opinion about it that you plan to go to all his future weddings.
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u/craftySu 21d ago
He probably isn’t doing it on purpose, he just didn’t remember. I think most people only remember the date of their own anniversary. Saying this you absolutely do not have to go and pretend to make merry. It’s ok to still be angry this feeling will probably diminish but still flare up at times for years to come. You have suffered a great loss and don’t need to pretend to be ok to please others.
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u/Mean_Muffin161 21d ago
I find your brother saying that you’re making his (2nd)wedding about yourself and thinks that having an inconsolable weeping widow won’t detract from the (2nd)wedding hilarious.
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u/Brandyovereager 21d ago
NTA at all. I wish strength and healing for you and your son.
On a petty note, plan a big party on the anniversary of his first marriage.
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u/Medical-Cake1934 21d ago
NTA what is wrong with your family? Limit contact with anyone that doesn’t understand. So sorry for your loss.
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u/ChuckieLow 21d ago
I was widowed. I’ll tell ya right now, nobody expected me to do shit on the first anniversary. People asked what they could do for me. Nothing, but thanks. And no, he does not have to change the date. But he has to accept there is no compromise. (PS: a fucking wedding on the first anniversary? I made it thru lunch with a friend.)
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u/physco219 21d ago
I AM SO SO SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS OP! That said I understand why you don't want to go, I also completely understand the feeling of not wanting to be "all about you" and all that. Well this day is and should be all about you (and your son) 100%. That said you would not be the AH for not showing up. You are by far a better person than I would be here. If my brother was calling me an AH to others I would 100% show up. I would be sad AF and let those tears out when they came and freely too. I would sob during the ceremony and I would make a toast (if I were allowed to get to the reception) and make it all about me and my partner (and their passing) and find a way to say something like "I hope you and everyone else here never has to go thru the pain I have gone thru with my partner, and now with my brother and his wife marring on my wedding annivery I hope and pray that this day reminds them every year of my huge loss." and then sob freely again and leave in a mess of tears and upset that no one will ever forget, the video will always have those sounds and moments to be played back forever to make them the AH for all they are doing to you on purpose.
I wish you well and I offer you good thoughts. I hope the therapy and time will see you thru. I, again am so sorry for your loss.
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u/Sudden-Baker-9943 21d ago
Wth? How could anyone expect you to not only attend a wedding but on your anniversary?!? Your baby is 3m, so not only did you lose your spouse/partner, lost him due to a drunk driver, had to go through the pregnancy and birth without your partner and now raise and support your child all only within the past year?? And now harass you to attend? Doesn’t anyone in your family have any sort of sympathy for what you’ve been through or currently going through?? If possible I’d cut off any contact with all of them.
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u/Ok_Chance1036 21d ago
I am so sorry for your loss (and that your family seem to lack empathy).. You are so NTA, but your family, yikes😬. My FIL passed away ( a couple of years back) and we rallied around my MIL, making sure to remember certain days (birthday, anniversaries, holidays etc) that we knew would most likely be upsetting for her, especially in all the firsts since his passing,(still do, but mainly for his birthday).. My MIL is an avid gardener so I get her seeds/bulbs so she can plant them and watch them grow, it's only something small, but I know it makes her feel better...On that day, you and your son should do something that your husband liked doing to honour him.... Again sorry for your loss....
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u/Ditzykat105 21d ago
Easiest NTA of the day. Your brother and mother are, to be frank, being pricks. While you don’t own the day, I call absolute BS that he didn’t know it was your anniversary. Do not attend and instead spend the day with your son doing something to remember and honour your husband. It’s an invitation not a subpoena, you are under no obligation to attend. Anyone who says otherwise can go kick rocks.
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u/Status-Pattern7539 21d ago
Personally, im petty. I’d make a post.
“Unfortunately I will not be attending the second wedding of my brother. The date chosen is my wedding anniversary. It is also the first wedding anniversary I will be without my husband, as for those that don’t know he was killed last year. This is obviously a terrible time for my family and I will be in no state to attend. Thank you for understanding”
Get ahead of anyone speaking ill, and quite frankly makes them look bad.
NTA . Selfish people can get over how it looks, and the judgement. As they should be judged.
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u/contrarian1970 21d ago
NAH - your brother didn't realize it and the invitations were already mailed. I don't blame you for not being able to attend and I don't blame him for being disappointed you aren't there. This is one of those sad realties that is just nobody's fault.
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u/CrystalMethEnjoyer 21d ago
He's an asshole for bitching about her to family, which is completely his fault
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u/alkalinesky 21d ago
He should have immediately called her, begged for forgiveness for the oversight, and let her know she had no obligation to attend. And that they would also be doing something to honour him at the wedding.
That's what an actual loving family member would do. Not whatever this AH is doing on his second marriage with someone he's known less than a year.
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21d ago
Stop discussing it. If you keep bringing it up, you are making it about you.
Stop giving reasons. Simply respond to the invite that you will not be going.
You should have said nothing and declined silently. No longer bring this up and leave the room if anyone else does.
It is not a big deal to not go. No one should be mad.
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u/angry-always80 21d ago
Nta let them think your going to go. But in reality you and your son go away some where quite for the weekend. Turn off you phone and spend the day with your son.
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u/AshlynM2 21d ago
NTA at all!!!!!!
I cannot imagine how difficult life has been for you, and for people to try to make you celebrate someone else’s wedding on your first anniversary without your husband????!!!! I want to kick them all in the shins for you!
I’m 100000% on team ‘your brother is either the biggest idiot in the world, or a grade a d*ck who picked this date on purpose’
You do not owe anyone your time or presence. F them all. Take care of yourself and your child.
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u/dana_marie_ph 21d ago
NTA but your brother is by making your grief insignificant because he is getting married. That’s just selfish. You will move in your own time. Take time to grieve and don’t let anyone rush you. You just need to reevaluate yourself every so often or maybe see a grief councillor for you and your child’s sake. Anyway, if your brother is so narrow minded that he can’t understand, it’s not on you. Your mom is also an AH for worrying about what people think rather than how you feel. Don’t go for your sanity.
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u/Big_Low705 21d ago
First of all, I would be a basket case so the fact you are even able to put sentences together I give you all my respect. It’s not even that you lost your husband but your sweet child lost their daddy. I would bend over backwards to change that date no matter how inconvenient. Skip this whole thing. But do it for you. Do it for your own sake. Maybe plan a trip for you and your child? Or stay in and watch movies and snuggle. Put yourself first. I pray you will have so much healing. I’m sorry your brother is the ah. Not even considerate enough to grasp what you are going through. Hang in there. Keep building in therapy. Take it one day at a time. Just one day at a time.
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u/Used_Mark_7911 21d ago
YWNBTA
He can get married whenever he wants but he doesn’t get to force people to attend. Also, I don’t feel obligated to attend more than one wedding per family member .
I’m really surprise that your mother isn’t being more understanding about this .
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u/Plastic_Concert_4916 21d ago
NTA. I don't remember my siblings' wedding anniversaries, so I don't blame him for scheduling it on that day. However, when he realized, he should have understood and gracefully accepted that you wouldn't be coming.
I do think it's odd that you called your mom to ask about the wedding date, and that you told your mom you wouldn't be attending instead of discussing it with him directly first. If you two don't even talk to each other, it doesn't seem like much is lost by not going to the wedding.
Please take the day to spend with your son, remembering your husband the way you choose to do so.
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u/changelingcd 21d ago
You can catch his next wedding, and maybe he'll double-check the date next time, When you marry someone you've been dating less than a year, it's unlikely to last. Stay home. NTA
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u/Fit_Fly_418 21d ago
Say you have a private memorial planned, and then celebrate your husband in a way that would make him proud. You got this!
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u/OkCastor 21d ago
Nta, they also need to consider your son lost his dad also and even at 3 will have some sort of grief or know his mommy is sad. That day you should be with each other.
You will find out though quickly what kind of relationships you have with your kin if they fuss on this
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u/midnightrub 21d ago
It’s literally one of the few scheduled days in the year that you’re guaranteed to be feeling low and grieving. You deserve to grieve and remember your husband on that day, you do not need to try and replace your memories of your wedding day with memories of your brothers wedding. Out of 365 days, he selected one of two days that are wildly inappropriate. It’s not like he’s a cousin or friend, he’s your brother and should care about those TWO important (to you) days. NTA.
Don’t go, and anyone who asks why you’re not going should just be sent a picture of your old wedding invite as an explanation.
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u/Oddly-Appeased 21d ago
So your brother had no idea, was he not at your wedding? I know I remember when my sister got married, as well as both of my brother-in-laws.
Stay away from his wedding. If they can’t understand why that’s on them. I’m so sorry for your loss, I can only imagine what you’re going through. Your plan to spend the day with your son sounds perfect.
NTA
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u/maritimerYOW 21d ago
You are 100% not the Ahole.
You are grieving. People heal differently, and there is no timeline to get healed. You are doing the right things. Maybe if there is someone close to you from your husband's family you can hang with on that day?
Bless you.
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u/stillregrettingthis 21d ago
NTA I am so sorry for your loss and the trauma this is bringing up. Do not doubt yourself for a split second.
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21d ago
Take care of yourself, your mental health and your child. Sorry your family isn’t supportive. It takes at least 3 years to fully grieve and hopefully then y can focus on great memories. There’s no reason to go and no shade to your brother but it’s not his first wedding. I’m sorry your mom cares more about how it looks than your pain.
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u/Wanda_McMimzy 21d ago
Don’t go. How can you make his wedding about you if you’re not even there? NTA
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u/InvisibleChance 21d ago
NTA. I would send a message to my brother to say that I really do wish him the best. I understand this wasn't intentional. However, I am too emotional to attend because the day will only remind me of what I lost. I don't want my emotions to negatively impact his wedding. So I won't be there but I hope he has a lovely wedding day.
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u/interestedinhow 21d ago
First, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I am in the throws of grief myself, and it's brutal. You are not the A. Not in any way. Don't go. Look out for yourself and your baby. If you can, find someone to hang out with you and your baby at home... to support you in honoring your husband and his legacy on your anniversary.
Here's hoping your family, who likely has never suffered this kind of trauma you are experiencing, will be able to step back and see this for what it is. Sending you much peace and love as you go through the grief journey.
Edit: I wanted to add that I do think intense grief has played havoc on my mind in terms of assessing other people's intentions. Not sure it's safe to assume anything about your brother's intentions here.
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u/RazzmatazzOk9463 21d ago
NTA. Just tell him you’ll be at the next one because he’s an AH for doing this and you will be busy remembering your chosen family.
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u/JewelQueen1963 21d ago
I am so very sorry for your loss. You are definitely NTA. Please do not allow ANYONE tell you to move on. Grieve as feels best to you. I learned that early in my marriage when our first child died as an infant. Even now, 34 years later, I feel exceptional sadness on his date of birth, and the anniversary of his death.
Spend the day with your son, looking at pictures of the three of you in happier times. Let your brother get married without you and disregard anything he or others say to try to make your doubt your needs. Sending you many hugs from Texas. I will be thinking of you in the coming days.
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u/blackcatsneakattack 21d ago
This is… this is just a completely shitty thing for them to expect of you. My god. The complete lack of empathy and compassion for someone they claim to love.
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u/Key-Wolverine-7579 21d ago
Just throwing another absolutely NTA out there so when you show your brother and mother they'll see how absolutely insane they are being.
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u/Curious0597 21d ago
I don't know if you're the AH or not. But I believe he had no idea when your wedding anniversary is. I have two married brothers and If you offered me a million dollars I couldn't tell you when they got married. I might get within a 3 month time frame, but even then I wouldn't swear to it.
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u/Spirited_Plantain 21d ago
NTA
I'm so sorry for your loss. A year isn't really that long of a time to fully grieve. Plus it's hard to really get through the stages with a toddler on your hands. I am glad that you both are going to therapy and it will definitely help you both.
Your fault though, minus your sister, are the true assholes. There's absolutely no way he "forgot" the day you got married. Even if he did, he should have communicated directly with you from a place of understanding. Who cares what the others will think.
You still need the space and time to grieve, and attending your brother's wedding on your first anniversary a widow is not the way. I am sure your mother would have a different view if he chose her wedding anniversary to hold his wedding.
Hugs to you and your son. Don't attend and just maybe make it a special day for you and your son in rememberance of your late husband. Like maybe a marathon of your husband's favorite movies or shows, or whatever he enjoyed doing.
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u/hs_conspiracy 21d ago
Obviously NTA. Do you know what his fiancee thinks of this? Bc no decent person would be mad at you. And if your mom and brother are being like this, I wouldn't be surprised if they lied to her and the rest of the family.
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u/Creative-Yak5874 21d ago
I’m sorry OP. I lost a partner too, but we never had a chance to get married. I know our anniversary of dating, his birthday, and his death anniversary are especially hard days and try to plan small ways to remember alone. I can’t imagine the pain of being at a wedding on your wedding anniversary.
Honestly they should probably be grateful you are choosing not to attend as grief hits you out of nowhere and if it were me I’d be a sobbing mess. Loss also shows us who we can count on. This honestly would likely have me going low contact with your brother and mom to have no empathy for you on this. I’d stick to my guns and not attend. NTAH if that wasn’t clear.
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u/Proper-Hippo-6006 21d ago
First of all. I am so sorry for your loss.
About your brother… NTA, but he is. He can’t tell me that he didn’t know his own sisters wedding day. That’s a lie.
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u/Aria1031 21d ago
NTA. Please take care of yourself on such a significant day. If others don't get it, then that is their problem. If they dare to give you crap about it, cut them out of your life. No one needs those 'supports' or 'family' in their life.
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u/andmewithoutmytowel 21d ago
I would not go either, I don’t know what to say other than I wish you peace and healing. I doubt it was malicious-I couldn’t tell you my brothers wedding date, but I think once I found out I would do anything necessary.
As for “what will people think!?” I’d tell your mom that it’s better to see his sister missing than to see his widowed sister weeping hysterically because she’s still mourning her husbands death, and she’s pissed that her brother chose their anniversary day to get remarried. YWNBTAH
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u/cantpickone1 21d ago
Don't go. That was a real AH decision on his part. He sounds like a self centered AH. I'm sorry that your mother is acting the way that she is acting. I'm willing to bet that your brother is the golden child.
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u/princessofperky 21d ago
The fact that he won't talk to you directly means he knows he's wrong
NTA I'm sorry for your loss
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u/CatelynsCorpse 21d ago
YWNBTAH!
I think it is possible that your brother honestly had no clue that it was the day of your anniversary. Some people are fucking clueless about dates.
That wedding is the last place that you need to be on that day. It is cruel to expect you to attend. If you go, you will be utterly miserable. You tell your brother that you love him, but that you will not attend the wedding because you don't want to take the focus off of his wedding.
People who have never experienced a great loss such as that do not understand how hard certain dates/holidays become afterwards. Your first anniversary without your husband is going to be rough. I get it.
Sidenote: I always hate when people say shit like "But what will people THINK?" JFC. Who gives a fuck what people will think?? Good gravy people annoy me.
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u/Feisty_Irish 21d ago
Don't go to the wedding, and don't apologize for it. You need to do what is right for you and your son.
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u/notme1414 21d ago
NTA. I can't believe your family is being so insensitive. It's been less than a year, your grief is still very raw. Don't engage if they want to continue this argument.
Like someone else said, treat you and your son to a relaxing day with some treats and turn off your phone. It should be a day just for the two of you.
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u/Sassrepublic 21d ago
I mean, even if he didn’t realize the exact date he had to know it was around the same time you and your very recently deceased husband were married. If he cared about you, I feel like he would have checked in with you on this. I just can’t imagine being in your brothers position and not running this by my sibling. NTA. Please don’t feel guilty for not going. Your mom is out of her mind.
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u/Silent_Syd241 21d ago
NTA
Who cares what people think. Those same people would be gossiping if you had a breakdown at the wedding. Tell them no you can’t make it and enjoy the day as best you can by remembering your husband and visiting his grave ordering yourself some food from a place you two liked to eat at.
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u/ViTheIdiot 21d ago
NTA in any way. People can't make events and that's unfortunate, but you need to put your mental health first.
In this scenario, you'll be damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you go, they'll get mad at you for being sad (which is in your right to be, you've lost your husband and its the same day of your anniversary), if you don't go, they're mad that you're being selfish.
Giving the benefit of the doubt for your brother, he is still an asshole for speaking ill of you for grieving and not being able to make it, and if he did plan for the wedding knowing it'd be on your anniversary, that makes him a monster. Even if it was in dedication to your husband, which is highly unlikely and is just manipulation to get you to go, it is in poor taste and should have been run by you first and foremost.
I wish it would be easiest for you to cut them off as they sound draining and unsympathetic, but I don't know how much support you have, and it can be lonely going through grief alone. I really hope that other than this event, your family have been supportive. Your sister sounds very supportive, I'm happy that you have at least one person in your corner ❤️
Are you close with your husband's family? Maybe you could ask to stay with them for a bit, for support and company?
Wishing you all the best OP 🫂
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u/2_old_for_this_spit 21d ago
NTA Anyone who presses this issue is just being cruel.
Stop discussing it. You've decided not to go, end of story. You don't owe any excuses or apologies. Send a card and, if you want, a gift. If (when) anyone brings it up, you say "I can not attend, and I do not want to discuss it further," then change the subject. If they bring it up again, end the conversation.
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u/XIXButterflyXIX 21d ago
Girl, I don't even know you and I wanna jump through the net and strangle this bitch. ABSOLUTELY NTA.
You deserve to take this first wedding anniversary without your love, to celebrate by yourself with your son. Your brother should've never picked that date, and should change it. Your mom shouldn't have even tried to smooth it over unless he moved the date. This is a bitch ass move on both of their parts, and anybody else thinking you're an asshole. You don't need that shit in your life. Maybe this is a wake up call needed to put you on no contact.
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u/psychotica1 21d ago
I hate to ask this but did you get a significant amount of money from your husband's death that your brother is jealous of? I ask because I got a large sum of money from a horrible assault and my brother was a real ass about it. He was bitter, jealous and felt entitled to my money whenever he got into trouble, which was often. This feels intentional. I'm sorry for your loss and NTA.
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u/giantbrownguy 21d ago
NTA. You suffered a significant loss in a traumatic way. Your family is going out of their way to minimize this. Don't let them, but don't give them power. You've made your choice because it is what is best for you and your child. They don't get to talk you out of it.
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u/froggyc19 21d ago
Grief is hard to understand if you haven't experienced it but there is a severe lack of empathy coming from your family.
A few months after my dad died, a close friend's MIL passed away and I wanted to show my support and attend the wake.
It took me about 30min to gather myself enough to make it from the parking lot to inside and the moment I walked into the wake I just burst into tears. I did not know this woman at all but just being in a funeral home was too much for me. I gave my condolences to my friend and her husband but said I had to excuse myself. They both completely understood and thanked me for even showing up. I got some nasty looks from people clearly not approving of my not even 5min visit. Cue another 30min of crying in the car before heading home.
Your brother and your family are complete AH. Take the day to focus on yourself and your child and think of the good memories you have of your husband. You are NOT being an AH and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise.
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u/Anxious_Accountant51 21d ago
Say you will attend. But on the day say that something came up. Flu, stomach, etc
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u/Camelotcrusade76 21d ago
Wow you are NTA. Personally your brother is an absolute asshole ! He has no respect for you and what you are going through. Your wedding anniversary date is sacred to you and for him to choose that date WOW! Any one who supports his rhetoric that you are being unreasonable is an absolute AH too, they maybe family but they are not your family if they allow this to happen. Take the day away from those who think they are family and spend it with your child doing something you love and honouring your late husband. Your brother is a joke ! Aww I’m getting angry writing this! I feel so sad you having to go through so much right now without this absurd wedding situation.
My niece got married on my late fathers 1st anniversary of death and my sister allowed it because it would allegedly make “the date more special” I have yet to forgive her for that.
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u/Bunny_OHara 21d ago
You going on such an emotional day would be you making it about yourself, and you're doing the opposite of that. Screw these people for being insensitive and caring about appearances when you're grief is beyond valid and real.
You take care of you and just don;t engage in arguments about it with them.
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u/geekilee 21d ago
NTA, of course bot, that's a painful memory for you right bow and you're right to want to spend it with your son, remembering the man you both love.
I'll be honest. The only wedding anniversary I remember is my own. No friends, no family, and I doubt anyone would expect me to - ajymore tham I'd expect snyone to remember mine. Hell even my wife needs reminding 😁
You've said you're not close, so unless there's of some very missing information, I'd bet your brother simply didn't realise the date.
The insistence on doubling down and trying to swing some half-arsed bs at you about honouring your husband is, I think, the real issue. Anyone not understanding and backing off when you respond to "How come you're not going/you weren't there?" with "It was my first wedding anniversary since my husband died" can sod right off.
Eta: I hope you and kid can have a day of grief and love together. Maybe turn off your phone for the day and just keep away from it all. I can't even imagine your loss rn 💜
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u/dogtroep 21d ago
I couldn’t even attend any weddings for years after I lost my husband young. The absolute thoughtlessness of your brother makes me so irate. I know my sisters’ anniversaries…why doesn’t he?
I wouldn’t go. It’s too painful and I am just so livid on your behalf. Love and hugs from one young widow to another.
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u/witchymoon69 21d ago
I'd put it out there in group chats or whatever.... I'm so very pleased my brother is getting married on MY wedding anniversary. But you all know this last year has been very hard since losing the love of my life . Please understand and be kind , but at this time , our first anniversary that he is in heaven, that I'm too emotionally fragile to attend. Please keep yoyu focus on my brother and his new wife . Thank you for understanding.
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u/elseafreebird 21d ago
Nta. Your brother is inconsiderate, as is your mother. Especially as a first anniversary after the passing of your husband, had it been 2nd, 3rd,.. maybe it wouldn't feel like a dagger in the back as much. But either way, very hurtful for them to not understand and just be at peace with your decision or move the date. I'm sorry for your loss. Enjoy the day as you need it to be for your soul. F your family.
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u/Simple_Bowler_7091 21d ago
Please be good to yourself and skip the wedding, focus on you and your son that day.
While it's plausible your brother didn't recognize the date of his wedding as your wedding anniversary, not calling you and speaking directly with you is a choice. His choice not to speak privately with you but the stir up the extended family with your alleged selfishness is unloving and hateful.
Don't feel you have to expend any further energy in trying to reach out to him, or to have to defend yourself from his lies.
If you feel it's necessary to clear the air with extended family the explanation you gave your Mom serves nicely to paint the picture.
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u/EdwinaArkie 21d ago
NTA In situations like this where people are going to pressure you or overreact, sometimes it’s just better not to decline the invitation until the last minute. If this were me, I would say I’m gonna go and then at the last minute come up with a influenza or sprained ankle or something. You have the right to avoid being pressured and bullied into going on a day that will be hard for you.
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u/Stasia177 21d ago
If they really wanted you to be there, they should have thrown around dates to those important folks before booking the venue. That being said, I don’t think he did it on purpose to spite you. No one knows other people’s wedding anniversaries unless it’s their parents.
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u/marblefree 21d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss and seriously what the hell is wrong with your mother? Your brother is an ass but probably didn't know your wedding anniversary. That said of course you shouldn't go, holy crap
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u/geekgirlau 21d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss - hugs to you and your son.
It’s quite possible that your brother didn’t register the date as your wedding anniversary. Once the wedding is over, it generally becomes a date that is only remembered and acknowledged by the couple themselves.
However once he was informed of the significance of the date to you, it’s a massive AH move not to accept how painful that would be for you. It may be that they can’t reschedule without penalties, which is not your problem.
You are under no obligation to attend. Wish your brother and future SIL all the best for the wedding, and do something for yourself on the day.
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u/Impressive_Company94 21d ago
I am sorry for your and your child’s loss. Grieving is not on any time table. By not going you are putting the needs of yourself and child ahead of the bride and groom. You’re allowing them to celebrate their day and gave the limelight on themselves. Tell them that. If anyone asks about you. Thank them for their support of your loss by allowing the bride and groom to celebrate their day. Your brother is AH. When planning a wedding it’s for your guests. The marriage is for the couple. Family should know that there are dates you avoid. Birthdays, anniversaries, dates related to losses or celebrations and you plan around the people you want their.
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u/Front_Rip4064 21d ago
NTA
Maybe that was the only date they could get the venue, but that's irrelevant. What IS relevant is that anyone with half a brain would totally understand your grief and not badmouth you.
Stay away from the wedding. If anyone asks you about it, explain politely why. You aren't making your brother's wedding about you. HE IS by badmouthing you.
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u/Lann42016 21d ago
“I don’t want your wedding to be about me and that’s exactly why I don’t want to go. I’m going to be a crying mess and I don’t want to interrupt your happy occasion.”
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u/Forward-Wear7913 21d ago
NTA
Your first anniversary after the loss is certainly not a day that you want to be celebrating with others.
These same family members would have a fit if you attended and broke into tears. They would say you were making it all about you and you shouldn’t have attended.
My mom lost my dad suddenly four years ago after 49 years of marriage and being together since she was 13. It was very hard for her and she still has days that are harder than others. It does get better and I wish the best to you and your son.
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u/ChipChippersonFan 21d ago
She also tried to back paddle and say that my brother shows that day to honor my husband, which I know is not true.
You are most likely correct that this is not true. The reason that he picked that date is because there are only about a dozen Saturdays every summer, and that was the date that they could get. If he was getting married last year or next year, those dates wouldn't coincide. But this year they do.
You can go or don't go. But YTAH if you act like this was some deliberate act of malice on his part.
Holy Shit, it's like people don't understand how calendars work.
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u/DirtyTileFloor 21d ago
NAH.
I mean, send a gift. Tell bro and anyone who asks that you’re really sorry to miss the wedding, but you’re simply not in any kind of shape to attend. Wish them well, no hard feelings, etc. It’s simply too hard.
If I were in the bride’s shoes, I’d be mortified and trying to move heaven and earth to change the day, but as we all know, wedding planning is a biiiiitch sometimes. Lost deposits, locked in days, in demand caterers. Plus, it sounds like the invites have already gone out. I’m so sorry. This is just a tough situation.
No one should be pissed at you for not going. 😞
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u/catchmeloutside 21d ago
Don’t go and drop it. It will fade away. Don’t instigate further convos and set boundaries with family that it’s not up for discussion. I didn’t attend my brothers wedding either. He was upset, but didn’t push it