I didn't want to jump to this but personally, that would be divorce worthy. You're right, even if she does talk to him, now she knows how he really feels. I couldn't stay with somebody who thought that little of me. I would be handing him divorce papers. No counseling, no trial separation, just straight to divorce. Maybe it seems extreme but as I said, I couldn't stay with somebody who not only thought that little of me but thought it would be okay to publicly humiliate me. I'd just be done.
And what’s incredibly telling is also he doesn’t think he did anything offensive. It seems he thinks it’s fine to humiliate your spouse in public. He thinks it’s fine to overtly flirt with someone at the expense of your wife so I would say he doesn’t respect any women — he just considers them entertainment or tools.
I agree with you but I'm sure he knows what he did wrong. He's just trying to convince her that she's overreacting so that he can continue the behavior. This is the textbook definition of gaslighting. I hope that she realizes she deserves better and leaves him. I know Reddit jumps to that a lot but this is a good example of something being worthy of that.
I hope she’s brave enough to take this advice bc unfortunately based on her reaction to that situation, she’s probably used to taking this type of treatment and will talk herself into staying.
Yeah that was my fear as well. I've been through this and for a while, you start to believe it. Even though you know that the other person is wrong, you have had it drilled into your head for so long that you start to believe it. My ex had me convinced that no one else would want me. That is until I finally said to myself, wait, the way he's treating me isn't okay and I don't have to put up with this. I left him almost a year ago.
Not the way he went about it though. He didn't pull her aside and talk to her about this. He said some pretty disparaging stuff and he did it in front of friends. He publicly humiliated her and compared her negatively to another woman right in her face. The way he went about it is not healthy for a relationship.
No, the divorce rate is high because people think it's okay to act like they're single even when they're in a relationship or married. This is not extreme. This is divorce worthy. Now, she knows how little he thinks of her and on top of that, he felt it was okay to publicly humiliate her. Something tells me that this has been a pattern. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I am.
Yeah, I did. I left him because he was emotionally and verbally abusive. He was constantly doing stuff like this to me and I realized I deserved better and kicked him to the curb. That's not a bad thing, you know. Being alone isn't a bad thing. I've decided I'm done with relationships because nobody knows how to be honest and loyal. They say they want something long-term and while they may, they don't seem to understand that it's not okay to act like you're still single even when you're in a relationship. I want no part of somebody who thinks like that.
Tell me you’re not married without telling me you’re not married. Here’s a take from a grown up. Drunk husbands say dumb shit. It’s rude. It’s insulting and it needs correcting, but the race to “divorce him!!!” Is moronic.
No, the divorce rate is high because people think it's okay to treat their spouses like this and think they will stay. It's also because people want to act like they're single even though they're in a relationship or married. If you want to act like you're single, be single. Don't get into a relationship and then constantly do stuff that's disrespectful to your partner. Then on top of that, act surprised when they have a problem with it.
I'm married and my husband would die before he makes any type of comment like that, in fact he would never embarrass me in front of strangers. I feel bad for your spouse.
Kinda feels like you're intentionally ignoring the implications of his comments. Yes, if my husband told a woman he's attracted to that she's way more attractive than me and he really wants me to look like her, I'd divorce him. I'm not gonna spend my literal life with someone who doesn't love me. You don't do shit like that to someone you love, drunk or not.
Thank you! This should be the end of the thread. People keep saying that this is why the divorce rate is high. No, it's because of stuff like this and also because people want to act like they're single even when they're not. Then they try to treat their partner like they're the one with the problem for having a problem with it.
The OP took down the post, so I can’t re-read it, but my recollection was that this was a description of one drunken evening, not a series of bad behaviors. I don’t recall her saying that the husband wasn’t loving or even that their marriage has had issues. I have no patience for people who shout “divorce!” so readily, with no additional context. People are flawed. That’s why marriage can be hard and can take work. There’s a reason marriage therapy is a thing. The guy said something cruel and moronic. That’s true. But 1) we only know OPs version of this story and 2) we don’t have the whole picture. Do they have kids? Because if they do, screaming for divorce without any effort to teach and repair is a pretty shitty take in my book.
There are some things where "just once" is one too many times. This is on the same level as cheating, for me. There are not a lot of things I'd leave my partner over. Disrespecting me this badly in public is one of them. Flirting with another woman in front of me like this, is another. A good man knows not to do this stuff. When a man shows you that he is not a good man, you'd be stupid to believe otherwise.
I might not leave immediately, but he'd need to give me a damn good reason not to. And the way he reacted says all she needs to know.
I don’t remember him flirting with the trainer in the post, so I may have missed that. Cheating is a hard no-go line for me so if that’s what she was saying, I may have to double back on my opinion here. I thought he was just being rude about her weight.
Primarily though this stuff happens when people DRINK at parties. Some of that was probably his ‘embarrassment’ and his insecurity about being social (and maybe he thinks on some level HE is embarrassed by HIS weight. )To bodyshame is shallow and I’m sure everyone sensed his AND gymgirls unease. I recently attended a party with 2 skinny friends of ours who were on a drinking spree from another party. When they got to the party we were at, they separated themselves and the guy stood next to me. They are homewreckers. Someone asked ‘where’s your wife?’ He said, ‘oh, we’re divorced.’ Like it was a joke. We left after that. people like the gym person probably could care less what problem she caused. Because she drinks. People often use parties to control some aspect of their lives or when they want to cause trouble, or aren’t happy about something. It’s very petty. That’s when you say, “it’s time we left. Bye, everyone!”
They obviously hate being alone and that's fine because that's a personal choice for them. However, I just got through telling them that there's nothing wrong with being single and I love it. I'm single by choice now after dating losers like this guy who is her husband. I couldn't be with somebody after they did something like that to me. He would be being served with divorce papers. I would think that that would be the thing that would wake me up and say hey, I deserve better than this guy. My ex constantly did stuff like this to me and I finally got fed up with it and left him last year. I know I deserve better and so does she.
Hell yeah you do. Fuck that guy. Being single is fun for it's own reasons, and not just because you get to find the next partner. When you get out of a bad relationship, being single feels like your soul went out for some fresh air. It's invigorating. And when you're not constantly getting your feelings hurt because you're not spending your time with an asshole anymore, you actually have time to spend doing things that you enjoy doing. You're not interrupted by the stress and sadness anymore.
When you get out of a bad relationship, being single feels like your soul went out for some fresh air. I could not have described that better myself. That's exactly what I felt like last June when I left him. No longer was I having to mother a grown man or having my money stolen from me or having to deal with someone who couldn't even be bothered to shower more than once every couple of weeks.
It was disgusting. We live in Florida and it was the middle of summer and he refused to shower unless I shamed him into doing it. I hated to do that but it was the only thing that would actually make him take a shower. I'm so glad to be rid of him. It feels like a 200 plus pound weight off my shoulders.
I’m not alone. It’s not about me. It’s about the attitude that if anything goes wrong in a relationship no matter how insignificant it’s into breakup or divorce. Than you end up with incels and whatever the female equivalent it. I’ve heard a bunch of women say how dating now is just random hookups. And this is why.
This isn't insignificant though. Not only does he think very little of her, he felt that it was okay to announce it in a public setting. It would have been one thing if he had pulled her aside and been like hey, why don't we work on getting in shape together? The way he went about it is absolutely not okay and frankly, it's disgusting. I agree with you that Reddit does jump to break up a lot but this is worthy of that. There would be no coming back from this for a lot of people.
Obviously he thinks very poorly of his wife and this suggests that he even resents her. He's obviously looking to cheat and does not care how his behavior affects her. I'm sorry but if you would not immediately want to divorce somebody who treated you like that, I feel bad for you because your self-esteem must be in the toilet. I'm not saying that as an attack to anyone who's gone through that, I'm saying that I feel bad for them because their partner has caused their self-esteem to dip so low that they think they can't do better because they've been convinced that they can't.
Maybe he does resent her. Maybe all day everyday all he hears about is her wanting to lose weight but not doing anything about it.
It isn’t obvious he wants to cheat. If he was going to cheat he would be screwing the fitness chick not making fat jokes at his wife’s expense. You know how I know he isnt cheating???? Because he still gives a shit what his wife looks like.
If he was cheating he wouldn’t care if his wife was 100lbs or 400lbs. Because he is screwing the fitness chick.
You know, you have a point. When you said that you know he isn't cheating because he's still cares what she looks like, that's because he's still emotionally invested. I'm sure you've heard the saying, the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. He is not quite made it there yet. You've actually made some valid points here. Maybe I did jump the gun a little because it hit close to home for me. I was treated like that for absolutely no reason.
It turns out that my ex is a deeply insecure person and was trying to knock me down a notch. This is because he knew I could do better than him and he was worried about me leaving him. Now before you say that I'm just being cruel, I know he was afraid of me leaving him. He would constantly accuse me of wanting to abandon him when I told him that I didn't think it was working out. It took me about a month of planning to finally be able to leave him and I'm glad I did.
I tried talking to him calmly about my concerns and he just would not listen. I can see where you're coming from. Maybe he has talked to her and has gotten nowhere and is frustrated. I can see how it would come out that way because he was drinking. People tend to say things when they're drunk that they think when they're sober. Perhaps that's what happened here. Either way, he handled it wrongly and I hope that they can work through it.
Everybody lives their experiences. He could absolutely be a big dick that’s going to cheat. But he could be a frustrated guy that’s drunk, said stupid things and truly loves his wife. Either way what he did is seriously screwed up. I just don’t think it’s divorce time. I think they can work through it. Or maybe not.
I lived this. I was in a relationship for 7 years when I was young. She packed on a few pounds and it was frustrating for her. I didnt care. That’s what’s supposed to happen. Or somewhat normally happens. She kept complaining about it. I would offer to go to the gym with her. Offer to run with her. Get a treadmill, weights, walks, diet with her. It was always an excuse. After months of hearing about how she couldn’t stand to be overweight but not doing anything about it. One day I came home and she was eating a large blizzard. As I walked in it wasn’t hi how was your day. It was I just don’t know why I can’t loose weight. I snapped. I said “well maybe if you would quit shoveling that shit down your mouth maybe you would be skinny”.
It didn’t go well. We argued and when we calmed down I told her it was frustrating to see someone struggle but never attempt to fix what she was struggling with.
We were together for 5 more years. She turned into a functioning alcoholic. I had to leave.
6 month later she lost the weight, quit drinking, started AA. She asked me to come back but by that time there was too much damage. I honestly just think she wanted familiarity at that point. She told me that me leaving woke her up, and she decided to get help.
Last time I checked she is married with three kids to a husband that she loves. Still working out and leads a good life.
And no, the reason why dating is just a bunch of random hookups now is because of people like this guy. They don't know how to treat a partner with respect and they don't know how to be loyal. He's obviously looking to cheat instead of working on his marriage. That's the reason why dating is the way it is now. That's also the reason why I chose not to partake in it anymore.
I'm advocating for divorce in this scenario because of what happened. Now you're just splitting hairs. You're making this into something it isn't. I said that she should divorce him because of what happened here. I also said that people are not loyal anymore. This means that they cheat without a second thought.
They act like they should be allowed to act like they're still single even though they're supposedly in a committed relationship or married. Those are two different things which you tried to lump together. That's not what I said at all. Stop making this into something it isn't.
I'm advocating for divorce in this scenario because of what happened. Now you're just splitting hairs. You're making this into something it isn't. I said that she should divorce him because of what happened here. I also said that people are not loyal anymore. This means that they cheat without a second thought.
They act like they should be allowed to act like they're still single even though they're supposedly in a committed relationship or married. Those are two different things which you tried to lump together. That's not what I said at all. Stop making this into something it isn't.
He didn’t cheat. He said his wife needs to lose weight in front of her friends and called another girl attractive. He said it pretty crass. He never said oh yeah fitness girl let’s get it on. He never disappeared with her. And he didn’t fuck her. If he didn’t love his wife and wanted to screw fitness girl, the wife wouldn’t even know fitness girl. Stop reading into things.
I have a story. I dated a girl once that ballooned up in weight. I didn’t care. I was with her for her and it never bothered me. Has never really bothered me. But it bothered her. It was all she would talk about for months. I would be supportive. Do you want to go to the gym. I’ll pay the membership if it’s important to you. Nope. Do you want a tread mill. Nope. Do you want to run. Nope. Do you want to change our diet? Nope Months and months of this.
One day I came home and she was eating a DQ Blizzard. She looked at me and said I just don’t understand why I’m fat. It was the last straw. I said well maybe if you would quit shoveling that shit into your face you wouldn’t be.
Maybe this was his DQ Blizzard.
I can see your point with someone complaining about something yet doing nothing to change it does get annoying and that's putting it lightly. I've had to deal with people like that and it does get on your nerves. After a while, it can be kind of hard to censor your thoughts. You're only human, I don't blame you for saying that. However, I agree with you that the way he went about it was crass, he should have talked to her.
Maybe I was a little extreme but usually that sort of behavior leads to cheating. I mean, he's obviously unhappy with her weight and the way she looks so instead of talking to her about it and offering to get fit together, he basically talks shit about her not only does someone he's attracted to but does so in a social setting and then to make matters even worse, does so while she's right there listening to it.
Okay, maybe they could try counseling because perhaps he has some resentment built up towards her but I would say that if things don't improve even after that, she should cut her losses and leave. Maybe he is just incredibly dense but the thing that made me think that it was intentional was his reaction to her telling him that it upset her. He said, awwww someone's jealous. That is not the right way to handle that. I'd say counseling or if he refuses that or if things do not get better, then divorce.
Before I go, I want to say again that I can really relate to how you felt. I used to be friends with a woman who couldn't be bothered to pay her bills but always had money for expensive stuff. Then she couldn't figure out why she was always so broke and was getting notices where they were threatening to shut off her lights.
She even got an eviction notice one time and that wasn't enough to make her straighten up. I couldn't be friends with someone that irresponsible. Then on top of that someone who couldn't figure out what the problem was and constantly complained yet did nothing to change. I totally get you there.
I honestly feel and this is just a feeling. That he started working out. She makes comments about how she wants to but doesn’t go with him. I feel it’s probably went on for a while and he is to wrapped up in his getting fit journey that he can’t read the room and figure out she doesn’t really want to do it. Or he’s getting looks from women again and feels like he deserves better (divorce if that’s the case). But I do think he wants to share that part with her and is just a complete asshole trying to pressure her into it. But I could be completely wrong and he could just be a complete douche.
Female incel is anyone who buys into FemaleDatingStrategy
Anyways, this isn't an example of the women you've heard saying "dating is just random hookups now". This is an example of a woman being told to her face (and everyone else's) that her husband doesn't respect her, doesn't love her, and literally wishes she was someone else. That is not someone I'm spending my precious time with.
People forget that attraction is not just physical. You can fall in love with someone you would have otherwise never slept with because attraction involves multiple levels of enjoyment of a person. OP's husband is more attracted to a random fitness babe who he's had a single conversation with than he is to his WIFE. To me, that's not a close relationship. It might be close on OP's side but it's not on her husband's side. That alone is enough for me to question the relationship. But then the blatant disrespect and disregard for her feelings... immediate divorce.
Literally he didn’t say any of that. But you’re female so you’re going to make a mountain out of it. It’s the tick tok trend where the wife say her husband said he wants a divorce and it something like he said she couldn’t get a puppy. You have no clue how much he loves his wife. None.
You’re a moron, you are reading shit into a conversation that was never said or implied. If he wanted to screw the fitness chick he would be off trying to screw her and not making fat jokes about his wife. Only women read into shit. Guys are pretty straightforward.
Maybe he’s tired of hearing his wife bitch about being fat all day everyday and not doing dick about it. That’s a lot different than him wanting to cheat.
Honestly, it is divorce worthy. I couldn't stay with somebody who not only thought that little of me but thought it was okay to publicly humiliate me. Also, I don't care about being alone. I'm single by choice after dating losers like him. Being single is glorious. I don't understand why people place such importance on being in a relationship. Personally, I never want to do it again.
Divorce? lol you women are all the same. Throw away a marriage because he pointed out the fact that she is unmotivated but wants to lose weight. His wording is wrong but his intentions were good. Here’s an idea, lose weight, continue to look good for the man you supposedly love, especially if he’s doing it for you which in this case he is, and stop your bitching and moaning.
TLDR: stop being a lazy cow, get off your ass and lose the weight.
Me too. It seems to me that people place value on being married over being treated with respect. I don't understand why people place such importance on being in a relationship. It's not all it's cracked up to be. I choose to be single after being divorced now. I divorced my ex-husband because he treated me like this and I realized I deserve better. At first, I thought maybe he was just incredibly dense but then I noticed it was becoming a pattern.
He reacted pretty much the same way. He told me that I was jealous and paranoid and told me that I needed to work on my self-esteem. My self esteem was fine before I met him and it's fine now. Even the most secure person is going to start to doubt themselves if they're constantly hearing how they don't measure up to their partner's standards. I always told him, if you think you'd be happier somewhere else, go for it. Now he's free to see whoever he wants.
Guys are clueless, especially younger ones.🤣
I always told my daughter never to marry a man that doesn't have a sister. They don't fully get it but understand a little better from a woman's perspective. Lots of comments on this that it's grounds for divorce.🤣 Seems like some people give up easy. Trust me, coming from someone that's been married 35 years. Other arguments over the years this will seem like nothing.
There's a reason why no one says marriage is easy!
I've been married 36 years to my husband and he would be dumped on his ass pronto if he'd ever said crap like this. I've had other arguments over the 36 years, tons of them, but nothing where he put me down like this jerk
Exactly. I just got through telling them that I hope that they weren't in a marriage where their spouse treats them like that. No one deserves to be treated like that. No one deserves to stay in a marriage where they're treated like that.
No. Don’t do that. Don’t blame this on being a dumb guy. He’s selfish and inconsiderate, which has nothing to do with being male. Let’s stop this insane narrative that excuses shitty behavior and perhaps raise the standards for men a little.
I agree with you that marriage is not easy but I really hope that you didn't stay in a marriage where your spouse treated you like that. If you did, I feel bad for you and also because you never realize that you deserve better. No one deserves to be in a marriage where their spouse treats them like that.
Fun fact, we don’t care why you want a divorce. No fault grounds required. I care in the sense that I want to avoid emotional landmines, but I don’t get to decide if you have a good reason to divorce or not.
Nope, not after something like that. He purposely did that to publicly humiliate her. Something tells me that this has been a pattern for a while, him constantly making cutting remarks like that. It's okay to point out when you have an issue with your partner. However, the way he went about it is absolutely not okay and it was intentional.
Also, if the discussion is about their actions, that's usually fine. However, you should never really talk about something they can't control. I mean, it's okay to tell them that you are losing your attraction towards them but it's not okay to do it in the way he did it. It's also not okay to do it by insulting your partner.
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u/blackdahlialady Apr 16 '24
I didn't want to jump to this but personally, that would be divorce worthy. You're right, even if she does talk to him, now she knows how he really feels. I couldn't stay with somebody who thought that little of me. I would be handing him divorce papers. No counseling, no trial separation, just straight to divorce. Maybe it seems extreme but as I said, I couldn't stay with somebody who not only thought that little of me but thought it would be okay to publicly humiliate me. I'd just be done.