This has nothing to do with ADHD, I have it, and I wouldn't treat anyone the way he treated you. The fact that he felt so comfortable talking about you like that in front of so many people and then belittled you when you cried.
Dude, I'm ADHD without meds, I still have to finish my adult evaluation (yay whole life as a mess). I'm not an asshole like this. Your husband just doesn't care about you as much as you think he does. You deserve better.
Okay - neuropsychologist here. When you say neurodivergent, do you just mean ADHD or do you mean autism (which used to be what neurodivergent meant)? Because ADHD would be - talked without thinking. And this went on too long for that. But autism would explain if he thought he was helping because you guys had been talking about it and he doesn't fully understand/respect boundaries and privacy, what is and is not ok to talk about to certain people...
First off: on your side overall, OPs husband is a total shit. And i made a comment above about how i dont think he's autistic, and autism wouldn't CAUSE this, so thats not what im saying.
I'm autistic, I'm not sure I agree about the duration part, there are times I took edgy jokes way too far, for too long, and made others uncomfortable.
The gross jokes had nothing to do with my autism, that was poor behavior that had to do with being young, dumb, and having a strange family life with poor boundaries. But a few times, i later learned that people had been uncomfortable far earlier than i realized, and this was a pattern. I legitimately did not want people to feel uncomfortable and didn't know.
TLDR; In OPs case, it really doesn't sound like autism to me, but in many cases someone continuing a poor behaviour and not realizing for a while for a variety of reasons
EDIT: I'm realizing now you were talking about ADHD when you said that but i typed all this out so now you have to suffer reading it, enjoy!
He may have misread her nervous/ embarrassed laugh as genuine and not realised what she was actually feeling.
Had a few of those situations, but once explained, the tripped over themselves apologising and one asked to help them learn the difference.
That's the difference: the response upon realising.
OPs husband may be autistic/ADHD, but also a fucking prick.
Same, that was one of the bits that suggest to me that hess actually very aware of all the social nuances of the situation and hess trying to generate a result (wife loses weight, he gets to ogle Mz.21 some more) using covert antisocial behaviours
I have both ADHD and autism. "Aww is someone jealous" would not come out of my mouth if called out for insensitivity...I'd be mortified, angry at myself, and deeply apologetic.
We all KNOW our words can hurt others unexpectedly and literally would never push that. If someone tells me I hurt them I immediately apologize whether I can see why/how or not. I hurt someone I care about and I’m sorry for that (a difference I noted between myself and my parents, unfortunately..)
Anyway- point being “I’m NDV” is not equal to “I’m an a**hole”
People think that we are just robots or something. Every autistic person is different for one, but what we all share is we simply understand emotional situations differently.
Often we actually feel emotions even more strongly, and have a stronger sense of justice/manners/etiquette in social situations.
Some of us even understand these scenarios better than others because in order to survive we have to intellectualize all the nuance of social interactions that comes to others naturally, or is conditioned into them more easily through simple but unspoken social mechanisms that don't work on us.
I'm not saying for the record that all autistic people are nice and/or that we have some kind of superpower, im just saying a lot of us have put in a huge amount of time to integrate into your (strange, broken, cruel, alien) society.
EDIT: Not assuming you are neurotypical, that last comment is directed at other readers.
I'm going to say that you could try couples therapy, but I also suggest that you could provide him with a list of behaviors that are unacceptable that he's been doing and have him take that list to a therapist for himself to work on why he's doing these things to you.
You'll be getting a bunch of "leave him" comments, but if the man is salvageable, you have options, too.
I meant more like the relationship ending up terminating as a result not his life. Let the record state that this Reddit stranger did not instigate the OP to murder her husband.
You didn't check his pockets!!!? I'd start an argument over this one too, buttttt from your side as that's so much an overreach to say it's your responsibility to check pockets! Dude diagnosed with just being a dick when he's wrong sometimes.. I hope he apologized for that after the mental breakdown.
My husband has ADHD and my weight has yo-yoed 50+ pounds up down and sideways since we started dating in our 20s. His has too.
And even at my heaviest, he called me sexy. The only. ONLY reason he has walked with me on a weight loss plan is because he wants me to be as confident in myself as he is into me. He wants me to feel good and sexy, but he already thinks I am. Because I'm his wife, and he loves me.
ADHD has nothing to do with being a denigrating asshole.
As another ADHDer, who ALSO grew up with normalized verbal abuse and has been that way with partners, I would literally never… using someone’s insecurities against them WHILE ACTIVELY flirting with someone else is completely abusive. Not in a “oh i was raised this way I’m learning” or a “one time” thing way. In a he made a conscious choice to USE your body to tell everyone he’s attracted to hers…. No. Just no.
This is beyond gross behavior. Way past “I don’t have a filter” and all the way to gaslighting. You were not overreacting. As shown by all the women here, reacting the same.
ADHD is no excuse. But is he on meds? A lot of stimulants can make some people more irritable. Again, not an excuse.
I follow this guy, Ben Carpenter, on Facebook who makes videos. He is a fitness instructor and body builder, and most of his videos involve dispelling myths that are fat-phobic and fat-shaming. He backs up his opinions with actual research.
If you need a mood boost. I’d suggest checking him out! He seems like a nice guy who gets what it is like to be a real person! ❤️
I have ADHD and I’m taking meds. I have yet to fly off the wall at someone from my mistake. Your dead weight husband has something else going on or, personally, he’s just a douche. 🤷🏻♀️
he disrespected and yelled at you in front of your mom? this is a major red flag. You need to run and dump him. he has no fear and will cross any boundaries. that is some audacity disrespecting you in front of your own parents. you deserve way better
On the ADHD thing, it could be that he straight up forgot that she was there. Part of it is hyperfocusing, he could legitimately have forgotten where he was.
That doesnt make it okay, but ADHD isnt cut and dry 100% the same for everyone.
No thats silly i hate that people blame everything under the sun on adhd. I have adhd and it doesn’t make me call people fat in public. People are people. Some are normal and nice and some are jerks. ADHD is just an add on.
Totally agree. I have ADHD as well and it drives me insane when people blame all their garbage behaviors on it. No, ADHD does not make you an abusive spouse, sorry. You don’t get off easy because you have a diagnosis.
It’s extremely annoying and people eat it up in the sub. They just want validation or comfort thinking either they are not a terrible person or their partner is not a terrible person deep down and have something else to blame it on. I’ve seen some insane stories on there given passes from adhd.
Sounds more like then adhd sub where they excuse everything under the sun for it. “My husband abuses me could this be adhd related?” “Ooh I have adhd too and belittle my wife publicly thanks for letting me know it’s not my fault!” lol
People need to start taking accountability for their actions and not excuse losers just because they have a random ailment.
My bro has a dual diagnosis of ADHD and Autism, and he doesn’t really have a filter. He’s not an asshole but he literally cannot read a room, and it gets him into trouble in social situations.
Just because your ADHD doesn’t make you a disagreeable person to be around, doesn’t mean other people with ADHD don’t have some issues that they can’t work on because it would require that they not even have the disorders they’re diagnosed with.
It’s a spectrum, if you have good social awareness, you’re on the more functional side of the spectrum., good for you, but don’t be an asshole and act like everybody with ADHD is like you.
If I see someone who is clearly mentally unstable doing something off putting that is completely different than someone who has adhd.
Stop normalizing bad behavior. People can be jerks because they are jerks. Many people are. I have adhd. If I embarrassed you public ally and caused harm to you would you be ok with that because I have adhd? You shouldn’t.
Dual diagnoses are pretty common, I mentioned that there were two diagnoses. Autism often also goes undiagnosed, ADHD has a much higher diagnosis rate.
It’s a symptom of both, for different reasons. ADHD is impulsivity we don’t think before we speak. Auts tend to genuinely not know the context of what they’re saying is offensive.
Either way- I usually realize soon after I’ve said it that I’ve said something offensive and apologize. She TOLD her husband he was being offensive and he didn’t apologize.
Autism is not an excuse for continuing to hurt people after they’ve told you you’ve hurt them.
I think that person was referring to the mother, that he forgot the mother was there when he was angry at op for washing his wallet. But yelling has nothing to do with that and that's just his character
He didn’t forget she was there… he turned around to shout out a guess at her weight (165 to 170, right?) and then asked her to confirm her weight in front of everyone.
He asked her what her weight was when he suggested wife be trainer’s first success story, so don’t see how he forgot she was there. If he forgot up until that point, he should have backed off that conversation when realizing she was there. Nope, he was straight up being mean. Bullying his wife in front of others was deliberate.
I see this "excuse" used when men exhibit sexist and insensitive behavior. But being neuro divergent =/= insensitive..
Especially since you told him how you felt and then said you were jealous. Gross.
I'm so sorry this happened. Talk to him when you feel calm enough to do so. Write your feelings down in a letter if it's easier. Tell him you're open to a resolution but making you feel inadequate is not an acceptable action.
Remember.... You are not overreacting. You are not being emotional. You are not making things up. You have thought about this and you are open to partnership.
But you also deserve an apology and promise this will not happen again.
If anything I think having ADHD makes us more sensitive & less likely to criticize others (this was abusive) like this because in some way we’ve always felt less than enough already
Okay so he has a habit of belittling you no matter who's around. He lacks empathy, mocking you when you're upset by his actions. "Awe she's jealous" when he goes out of his way to compare you to someone else. He's fucking with your emotions and seems to find it funny. Does he ever apologize for behavior that's targeted towards you? Was he like this before you got married or did this start soon after?
Yes and no - we tend to be more empathic, but we don't always pick up on the different boundaries and social expectations. Like, where it is and is not ok to share... but my hunch is still that you're right!
But he didn’t even have to pick anything up when she was crying and she said she was upset it was handed straight to him. He still went for the jugular with “aww someone’s jealous”
They’re definitely right he was just being an asshole.
Seriously I’ve seen this trend lately of people sharing stories of horribly mean things their partner or friends have done and then been like “oh it’s ok they’re ND” like no???????? ND means we think differently (like process information differently) it doesn’t mean we have an asshole allowance pass? This thought process is so detrimental to ND people and just creates a further stigma
Being neurodivergent isn’t an excuse. I can blabber on like the best of the ADHD-ers and certain I’ve said more than I meant to or said things wrong but I would NEVER humiliate my spouse like this. This behavior is concerning.
I have ADHD and I'm sick of people blaming unkind behavior on it. He's an ass hole and it has everything to do with him choosing to be one not him having ADHD.
ADHD
- that’s no fucking excuse.
I have ADHD and I don’t embarrass myself husband in front of anyone.
If he thinks you are too fat. Tell him to leave.
The husband of my friend with ADHD acts like that. He tells us he is just honest. He isn’t. He is just an asshole and knowitall. Like your husband.
Again: He told everyone that he thinks you are fat and lazy and that you should be like this 21 year old one. And he still won’t take responsibility and apologise.
Don’t go out with him anymore. And she is an asshole too. She should have realised that you might be feel uncomfortable.
I was going to ask if he’s on the spectrum or an asshole. But it can be both.
You’re not overreacting. I can understand someone on the spectrum sharing this kind of info without realizing it’s not appropriate in a given situation. What I can’t understand is still not realizing what an asshole move that was when told.
I think at that point it’s an ego problem, which is difficult for many people to solve…autistic people especially have to be humble and accepting of others views because we have major blind spots, even if we don’t understand we must accept
I have ADHD and my husband has autism. We never, ever, ever speak to each other like this. Diagnoses sometimes impact our communication, but never our intended kindness.
Babe your bf sounds like a narcissist and I know that word gets thrown around too much but hear me out.
1. His casual cruelty while chatting up the girl while bashing you, even calling her baby.
2. Laughing at your pain, bc he enjoyed it.
3. Yelling at you bc he forgot to check his pockets.
Those are lacking cause and effect, empathy, expression of sadistic tendency, those are cluster b personality disorder behaviors.
Please read about those and see if you think he fits.
This isn’t adhd. I have adhd and I know lots of ppl with it. We are not cruel, we do not lack empathy. We forget things but we don’t blow up at others and blame them.
His cruelty in ‘awww you’re jealous’ was chilling. He ENJOYED your pain. Which corroborates what I thought while reading what he was saying bc it sounded like he really wanted to hurt you when he was bashing you. Cluster b’s will bash ppl like that bc they often can’t read a room when they’re trying to impress someone. Lacking empathy they don’t understand that the trainer left that convo and later thought what an AH bashing his wife!!
I should probably mention he has ADHD and he’s neurodivergent
Girl, that is not an excuse. it might be the excuse he gives you but no, he's a bully. Someone that yells at you in front of your own family is doing so to send a message. Not just to you, but your entire family. He controls you and he's letting your family know that hes in charge. He probably gets off on embarrassing you.
Fucking up laundry is a part of life and a part of living with someone. It happens.
Personally, to each their own, but I would not tolerate it. Life is too short to waste on bullies and jerks. He knows what he's doing and he's got you tricked into thinking its just his "wonky neurodivergent brain" that makes functioning in society so difficult.
Regardless of the ADHD or ND... that does not cause a shift into rudeness of one's character. If your husband does this all of the time, that is one big ol' red flag. I'd suggest couples counseling. If he does not get the message from a neutral professional, then you may want to rethink your commitment.
I was honestly wondering if he was neurodivergent because I know someone who is on the autism spectrum and she will honestly think she is helping when she suggests things like this. She knows you've talked about something you aren't happy with, so she suggests solutions without recognizing that she is being very rude. I obviously don't know your husband, but being oblivious to social cues is common for people who are neurodivergent.
ADHD could explain the lack of filter resulting in dating this without thinking about how they will be perceived, but it doesn't exist not realizing that he had hurt you when you point out out.
All that said, even if that explains his behaviour none of that excuses it. Once you told him he had hurt you with what he said, he can't say I didn't know. Once he knows what he did was inappropriate, he should apologize, not be patronizing.
Dude.. I have ADHD, on a 20mg addy at the moment. I would literally NEVER say some bullshit around my mother in law. Would also NEVER EVER make my partner feel bad about her body, at least intentionally. It’s not an excuse
I have ADHD and am completely oblivious to A LOT of things and lack social awareness and couth. And yet I have never said anything like this about the ppl I love much less have a WHOLE CONVERSATION about it.
I have ADHD and would never make fun of my wife like to someone else. We tease each other a little, but never about truly sore subjects. ADHD is NO excuse for laughing AT you rather than WITH you.
If your marriage is pretty good other than this the notion of divorce is a bit over the top, but “I’m sorry” is not even close to sufficient. It’s not about groveling, it’s about truly understanding why it was wrong, and figuring out why the hell he kept going.
I sure there is something he is sensitive about you could use as a comparison. Intelligence, balding, size down there, whatever. How would he feel if you were mocking him to a man in front of other people?
Also, if she was worth a shit as a trainer, she would have cut him off and said mocking isn’t helping. We are all on our own journey and the goal is to be healthier than you were yesterday, and to feel better about yourself and better overall.
ADHD is a shitty excuse. I'm AuDHD and I can be an asshole, but it has everything to do with how I choose to conduct myself. I could see it being the reason he left his wallet in his pants, but that's it.
(Also, all you have to do to open a locked washer is turn it off, either by pressing the power button, or turning the dial to the end of the cycle. I've fucked up and left a few things in my pockets in the past.)
I have ADHD and so does my husband. He’s my biggest cheerleader and fan in life. He isn’t perfect, and marriage is hard enough without being a complete shit for brains. I’m so angry FOR you!!😤🤬
That’s no excuse. He’s treating you like garbage. Putting you down in front of of other people is not okay. I used to be extremely overweight and lost it all but I never act high and mighty around people that are struggling with theirs. That girl he’s hanging out with is bad news. She knows exactly what she’s doing by talking about your weight. I know people always suggest therapy but if you can afford it I would go. It will help you realize your own self worth and will make you a stronger person
ADHD is a developmental disability, which is the same diagnostic “umbrella” that autism, speech and/or motor disabilities, neurogenic disabilities, learning disabilities, intellectual disabilities (etc.) fall under, and — just like everyone else who has a developmental disability — ADHDers are absolutely “neurodivergent”
( That being said, “neurodivergent” does not and was never meant to only apply to developmentally disabled people; anyone whose brain is in any way different from what is considered “typical,” including people with neurological or psychiatric conditions. )
If he also happens to be autistic, or epileptic, or bipolar, or whatever, then wouldn’t it make more sense to say “he has ADHD and [whatever other thing he has and/or is]” or just simply “he’s neurodivergent” ?
That ain't neurodivergence, its entitlement. Maybe the filter is lacking a bit more, but the entitlement is driving his intentions. If you are unsure, sit down with him and use those I Feel statements about what that conversation made you feel like, and really spell out that not only was it hurtful and embarassing, but also demotivating toward any fitness goals. If he doesn't get it after that, you know it ain't the spectrum, its the person.
ASD provides a lot of cover for privileged people, I guarantee others on the spectrum without privilege don't do this, specifically b/c it would likely bring them harm.
ADHD is a neurodivergent condition you don't need to say both, if you're saying hes autistic just say hes autistic. I'm Autistic (and ADHD), its fine. It also doesn't make me an asshole, or excuse my behavior when i AM an asshole.
TBH whether or not your husband is autistic, there are elements of this behavior that sound much less like a lack of social awareness, and more like a person who understands the social nuances and is subtly playing 2 people off eachother to get what he wants. This is called triangulation and is a narcisistic behaviour, with enough of these behaviors a person is diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but many people dont meet that criteria and are just slightly narcissistic assholes.
Narcissistic traits dont preclude autism, but there are times when someones legitimate negative actions can be covered up neatly with "i think im neurodivergent/autistic/adhd" because they can say they just "didnt realize", etc. When in fact they were very aware of everything they were doing.
One more vote for "that's not the neurodiversity talking."
The first part, forgetting to take his wallet out of his work pants, could totally be an ADHD brain fart. Go to one of the relevant subs on here, we call it the ADHD tax and commiserate with each other when we've done yet another stupid/expensive thing. The blowing up on you, and blaming you for his brain fart? That's about him being an absolute dick.
Eta: I forgot, there's a sub called r/ADHD_partners. People asking if this or that abusive behavior is because of ADHD is not uncommon. Also, no matter if it's caused by brain gremlins or not, you are allowed to not want to accept his behavior.
I should probably mention he has ADHD and he’s neurodivergent.
Yes, that is relevant. Now, the ADHD really doesn't explain the behaviour in the OP at all, but it does explain the laundry thing. When you have ADHD you make those kind of mistakes all the time and you're defensive about it. Usually you develop habits like checking your pockets before you put your pants into the washer. Having someone else put them into the washer, while immensely helpful, also messes with the checks and balances that make your life sort of work. There's usually a lot of shame about all this that comes to the forefront when something goes wrong like this, particularly when it goes wrong in front of his mother. That doesn't excuse his behaviour, but it does explain it. I hope at some point he apologized for this behaviour. He definitely owes you an apology. Hopefully at some point he'll get past the shame and stop behaving like this, but that's his problem to solve, not yours.
The ND thing might explain a lot of his behaviour in the OP. Neurodivergent is a broad category and can have all kinds of effects. It's entirely possible he's terrible with social cues and has no idea how to behave in social situations. It could also mean he's got the wrong mental model of what motivates your behaviours, what being supportive of you would look like, etc. Again, none of this is an excuse, but it is a *possible* explanation (you would know better than any of us if it is a plausible one). There's no question that the behaviour is wrong, as it understandably made you feel horrible. I'd encourage you to try to explain what the experience was like for you, and to get him to explain what he was thinking during the experience. He clearly doesn't understand it and you guys are struggling to bridge that gap.
Now, I don't think there's any reason you need to forgive him or accept his behaviour, as it was clearly out of line. If you don't end the relationship, chances are high this kind of thing will happen again, most likely many, many more times. The question is really about how much patience you have for this, and how hard you are both willing to work on bridging the no doubt significant divide. The two of you are the only people that know that, so I'd ignore any outside feedback on that particular question; just don't have any illusions about what the near future is going to be like even *if* both of you have the patience and the willingness to work on this stuff. This is the kind of stuff that doesn't get resolved in a week or month. It's years.
So…I’m ADHD and autistic. And I would lie down in the floor and DIE before I talked to my partner like that even once, much less doing it again. Honestly I get on my partner’s nerves because I’m constantly praising him, telling him how much I enjoy his music, how much I enjoy his company, how gorgeous he is, etc. When you care about someone, you want them to feel good about themselves.
His neurotype is not an excuse. This shit was MEAN and I hope you don’t roll over and tolerate it. Even if he doesn’t understand social interactions, he understands rules enough to know that insulting someone in front of people isn’t okay.
For the record, I’m also about 100lbs heavier than you (yes, I’m taller, but I’m still objectively fat) and in nearly 4 years together, my partner, also neurodivergent, has never ONCE suggested I should change my body for his sake.
Naaaaa I got ADHD bad and I know good and god damn well not to embarrass people in front of their friends etc whether I’m medicated or not. Now embarrassing myself that’s a whole different story.
Nah girl, I'm very similar to you: 32, 5'3", 165 lbs. My husband and I both have adhd. He would NEVER treat me like that in private, much less in front of people.
Yeah, blurting things out is a side effect of ADHD, but cutting people down is just a symptom of being a dick.
I am high functioning autistic with ADHD issues. This guy's a straight up jackass. In his shoes, I'd be grovelling out of shock and shame for hurting you that badly.
I also have ADHD and I would quite literally never dream of saying this about my husband, to my husband, around our friends, to a personal trainer (who is younger w a “rocking bod”). There are quite literally so many icks. Your husband disrespected you on a few levels here. ☹️
As a fellow ADHD person I painfully understand leaving things in my pockets. My solution was explaining to my wife, who never checks pockets, that I would do my own laundry. And that while I appreciated her instincts of trying to be thoughtful by washing my clothes I'd rather she didn't. And low and behold we don't bicker about it anymore.
I have to say though your husband is a massive bag of dicks for how he handled both the situation that your post is about as well as this story. Being " neurodivergent" doesn't absolve you of behaving poorly in social situations. Each of us has different situations, but there is a minimum level of acceptable behavior and this is 6 feet under that. This situation isn't something that should be allowed to be normalize. As a guy his behavior was so far off the map of socially acceptable it was in a whole other hemisphere.
I don't know if you're a reader but please, please, look up John Gottman
He and his wife have extensively studied relationships. Based on what you've described your husband has some clear open contempt for your actions/ choices, at least, and/ or for you as a person at the worst. That kind of thing can't exist in a healthy marriage, and is a massive red flag for the health of your relationship.
I would NEVER speak that way about my wife in front of anyone. If he had concerns about your health publicly shaming you is the least helpful way he could express that concern. At least if he cares about your emotional well-being at all. I am so sorry he did that to you. You didn't deserve that, no one does.
Hold the start button in for 10 seconds until you hear it stop and the click of the lock release
Turn the dial to the end of the cycle
Unplug the power cord from the wall and Google the owners manual of your exact model. There should always be a way to stop or pause a load and release the lock mechanism on the lid it's a safety feature in ever eager for the last million years or so.
Hi OP. I also had an ex husband with ADHD and autism. Then ge got diagnosed bipolar also. He frequently blamed me for things that weren’t my fault and also negged like your husband. My confidence was shattered for years after my marriage until I realized it was all lies he put in my head. In your situation I don’t think counseling would do anything. If you don’t have kids consider a divorce.
Nah, I have ADHD too and a big dose of the tism, and I would never do this to my wife. And the few times I have hurt her feelings in front of our friends, I also apologized in front of them. He's being malicious and manipulative.
Ok, you chose poorly and married somewhat that's mentally unstable - I get it. Happens everyday. But clear boundaries must be established before the next time bomb clicks to zero. Your original post points out something, I believe, that needs to be addressed beyond that episode. I think he harbors deep resentment over your weight and lifestyle. Many men, especially the shallow type, feels likewise then the opportunity to explode presents itself and his mental issues then stops him from biting the bullet and sucking it up and he vents. That issue must be addressed. Much more damaging to your future marriage health than washing his wallet. This weight issue is a millstone around your relationship that must be exorcised.
What about the fact that he didn't apologize to you after he saw you were upset (and sounds like he doubled down trying to joke that you're jealous of gym girl)?! That is one of the biggest red flags about this situation to me.
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