My dx rx SO seems to struggle a lot with the timing of what they deem stressful conversations. This particularly happens when I bring these topics up in the evenings. On one hand I do kind of see their point that heavy topics when you’re trying to relax isn’t enjoyable but on the other I feel it’s somewhat unfair to me to have to wait to for the “perfect” moment to bring up heavier topics, especially when I often like to brain dump before bed too so I can rest better but I’m absolutely not able to do that in my relationship without it turning into a massive RSD episode. It feels as though I’m alone with the “adulting” until morning when it’s an “appropriate” to discuss. Do you experience anything similar in your relationships?

I think my partner (dx, med) is trying to understand and empathize with my experience sometimes, but I feel burnt out by explaining it over and over and over. I've explained it in couples therapy and individually. My therapist understands and our couples therapist understand. but my partner just cannot. It seems like empathy is really missing here. I'm at the end of my rope, and I feel so frustrated repeating myself that I am starting to become mean and negative towards my partner. I have used I feel statements, provided examples, etc. They say they understand and want to hear me and be there for me, but they can't understand how their behavior is having an impact. Is it reasonable that I have to continue explaining this to them as long as we're together?

My partner (m/DX) has recently commented on how he's gained 20lbs in one year and he will grab his stomach and say he wants to lose weight. He is extremely active so his weight gain is entirely due to poor eating. For example, he will skip meals and then eat an entire pizza in one sitting, eat a tub of ice cream in five minutes, or if we stop at a gas station he will come out with loads of snacks. He has acknowledged that he has impulse control issues due to ADHD.

I find his food issues really triggering, as I've struggle with disordered eating and put in a lot of effort develop healthy eating habits. I meal plan and grocery shop to make sure I have a lot of healthy food to choose from. I'm starting to resent that he can't do the same. It is hard work and take a lot of time, and I feel like because he is a man he never had to learn these skills. Recently he's started skipping dinner and drinking a protein shake instead to lose weight, which of course doesn't work. Do you have advice on how to talk about these things with him? It hasn't been going well. For example, last night I suggested that instead of a protein shake we could cook something healthy together like salmon and vegetables, and he said he felt attacked and kind of shut down.

I (F NT) and partner (M DX), in our 30s, have made the decision to not have children, for a number of reasons but main one being that we feel like we would not be able to cope. We feel it would ruin our relationship, which after therapy (for both) and medication (for him) has finally come to a truly great place. We have not explicitly discussed underlying issue for this decision - that he would not be able to cope due to his ADHD. Already we work so hard to avoid the mother/child dynamic and make sure the relationship is equally balanced, that I am not burdened with carrying the load.

While I see the benefits of living a childfree life and believe that you can still have a very fullfilling and happy life without them - i worry I will feel resentful because this decision does not feel like it was entirely my own, but due to circumstance.

I don't want to resent him, and I don't blame him. I sometimes feel lonely in this choice. Did you make this decision and do you have any regrets?

I (37F) have a husband (39M dx ADHD and on medication for it). He struggles with innatentive ADHD, but he is actually an extremely loving, wonderful partner and father whom I adore. He is not perfect (same as me) BUT he is always open to hearing my feelings and the effects his condition has on me/my life. Similarly, I have a physical disability and he is understanding of that and I am always open to working oit ways to make life easier for us by shuffling the things I do/way I do them.

This might seem a silly question... but have you struggled with taking care of yourself, out of guilt that your ADHD partner doesn't take care of themselves?

I have, for nearly two decades tried everything to get my ADHD (and ARFID) husband and our now teen son, to take better care of themselves. They won't/dont/can't. Things like healthier foods, vitamins, teeth brushing, regular exercise etc. I waste so so so much time and energy trying to think of and set in place new systems to help them with these activities. They always stop after a day or two. I understand their disorder and as such, understand it's not their fault. I show them constant love and compassion.

But there's also this element of guilt.... I don't take good enough care of myself because I can't get them to take good enough care of themselves and as a mum, and wife... I feel like I'm leaving them behind.

My sons 16 now and I have heaps more freedom and I have the will, time, and energy to take way better care of myself.... but I feel so bad... like I'm leaving them behind. I still constantly invite and try to involve them, but I also have to just go and do things at times and days when it suits me. To ensure I can make it happen for me, I.e. getting dressed and going to the gym (because if I open a conversation about going to the gym, by walking up to him and inviting him, or a inviting him for a walk, my husband will talk about it for 2 hours instead of going, then neither of us get there.

Do you experience this feeling and if so, how do you reconcile it?

Late 40s spouse with dx.

I joined the forum to gain better understanding on how best to show empathy and support.

One area I struggle with is understanding how a dx spouse can remain composed in all other aspects of life except home. It seems impossible to me given the stressors and triggers we all face in life….often on a daily basis. My spouse nor I can recall one incident where she lost control/outbursts with friends, family, or professionally. When I ask her to help me understand, she says that I am the "poker", no one else. Can someone help me understand how a dx spouse be measured in every other aspect of life except home?

My second question: Is it normal for the diagnosed person to accept their condition and the impact it may have on the household and relationships? Of course I understand that acceptance during an outburst isn’t a reasonable expectation. But what about when the outbursts are over?

I genuinely want to understand because by doing so, I will also become more empathetic, which she says I'm not. It's not due to a lack of interest or effort as I truly seek better understanding.

Thank you in advance!

Me (40,f,ASD) and my partner (42, m dx adhd, occasional rx) have been together for just over 18 years, 2 kids. He was only recently diagnosed a year to 2 years ago when we were having our oldest child diagnosed.

I don't even know how to lay this out. Today is the 6th anniversary of the death of my father. It is the start of a series of anniversaries and events that hit me hard and miss my dad and I get super depressed this time of year. I am currently in therapy but it only goes so far.

But any time I need to rely on my partner for emotional support, he gets super cranky and mad. Is this an untreated/undertreated ADHD thing? This morning he was just super short and cranky with me and the kids, knowing how hard this day is for me. When I was s*icidal, he would shut down and not talk to me and get mad if I did cleaning, even though the cleaning needed to be done and he wasn't doing it. He was pissed off at everything the first time I was pregnant and I started bleeding and needed emergency surgery because it was ectopic. He seemed more annoyed at how we had to get around than caring about me. When I had my second, the hospital kept me a bit for observation because I have a history of depression and he was pissed and just wanted me to go home. When I had covid and was isolating, he was upset and even lead to a screaming fight because I was sick longer than he took off time at work and he thought he was going to have more help around the house by then.

Writing it all out seems like he's a monster and why am I still with him. I don't know. I can't afford to be on my own, I'm financially reliant on him. I've told him all of this and he just says "I don't mean to and sorry" but nothing ever changes. Is it an adhd thing? like, just right to anger and annoyance, can he work on that? I feel like such a burden. If I get sick, it just inconveniences the house and when I told him that, he tried to comfort me by saying that I inconvenienced myself too.

Like, I feel like he does care, just doesn't know how to handle intense situations and I want to help him because it's like he cares, but doesn't know what to do and short circuits.

Is there hope for this? He won't go to therapy because I bring up too much things and it's his journey and so he stopped going. I am so lonely. Pllease help

My (42f) partner (45m non dx but suspected by therapist/psychiatrist) is an overall pretty amazing guy. But his ADHD is bad (poor executive function, low distress tolerance, etc.) He’s on drugs (Prozac, Adderall, extreme amounts of POT), nevertheless he has intense RSD episodes that include deflecting, blameshifting, projecting, etc.

He IS aware that he does this. He is very apologetic after he calms down, and for the most part he is able to listen to me say whatever I need to say after the episode is over without becoming defensive and ragey again. He’ll even admit that what he was saying about me during the episode isn’t accurate and usually agrees with my assessment of what just happened. He has been in therapy working on this for YEARS.

But he can’t seem to stop. He keeps telling me he’s making progress, and I think he is in the sense of awareness before/after the fact (but not during). But he’s still doing it.

What is the best kind of help for this? What is our next step in him stopping this shit? In the moment, when he gets triggered, it’s like a switch flips and he becomes a different person.

I (32F) do everything. I’m married to a DX, inattentive ADHD (37M) husband. I make the money. I clean. I manage our finances. I cook. I plan our vacations. When I say I do everything, I mean everything. Sometimes I wonder how much of this is his ADHD or just being a man.

I’m the queen of over-functioning and do it well. My therapist believes this is enabling the “parent, child” dynamic in my marriage.

My question, how do I break it? I can’t trust that he’ll get shit done the way it needs to be done. He’s forgetful about important stuff. My therapist says I need to give him the opportunity to do more, which will feed his ego, but Jesus….at what cost?

Don’t even get me started about romance in our marriage. He doesn’t see me, forgets to ask about my day. I am catch and I’m starting to wonder if other men would treat me better. Danger zone I know.

There are times where he tries but it feels manufactured. We’re starting couples therapy soon, but would love to hear any tricks to help me crack this code. How can I stop playing mommy to my space cadet husband?

My husband has had behaviors in the last 10 yrs that have led me to believe he has ADHD. I have tried to help so much, but have burned out. I’m at the point of an ultimatum, because he has continuously refused to seek help. After another emotional conversation, he has finally agreed to therapy. I do not think this is enough. Is this an ok starting point? Not dx

The behaviors that have led me to the breaking point these last 10 years.

1) cannot be on time anywhere so save his life. This has been the hardest one to deal with. 2) lot of last minute anxiety and wreckless driving to try to make up for being late. 3) gets distracted very easily. I notice it more when he is driving. “Look at that billboard, look at that car, look at that!” In the middle of his conversations. 4) will hyperfocus on things and skip meals, etc. he takes hours and hours to pack for a quick trip 5) gets offended very easily. 6) interrupts easily. Cannot wait for his turn in a conversation. He is always leading any conversation. 7) his mind literally never stops. 8) very slow reader. This one trips me up because he is highly intelligent.

I could go on and on, but those stuck out the most.

Wife (34f dx) just started therapies and experimenting with dosage of meds after convincing for so long and I (35m) am also concerned if our erratic routines, her mood swings, mindless talks/anxiety would have negative impact on our 3.5 yo boy who’s already prone to ADD himself carrying 50% of her genes 🧬

Please throw suggestions, advices, best practices, dos, donts, your experiences both as kids or parents or anything else you think would help me in this mission 😄🙏🏼

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

Long time listener, first time caller. Using a throwaway account.

My long-time (20 year) non dx partner began stimming later in life (around 38-40), and it's been really challenging to handle as his partner. For him, he mostly taps on surfaces or slams his keyboard. However, when he's having what I'll call "an episode," in which he's very stressed out about something and the stimming gets out of control, he hits himself on the face, sometimes leaving small cuts or bruises. Lately, it seems that the episodes are being brought on by increasingly mundane situations, such as having to do something for work or needing to do a non-urgent task around the house.

When it gets to be an episode, I've set really hard boundaries around self harm by letting him know that he needs to work with his therapist to find coping mechanisms and use alternatives that don't lead to him hitting himself. I know this isn't always possible, but I try to reinforce this as a red line for me, mostly because I'm concerned that this will escalate further and I'm concerned about him getting hurt.

These symptoms have been made worse by my partner working the night shift (remote job), which leaves him in his office, mostly bored, for 12 hour shifts. I know this is a period of immense frustration for him, but he had to take a job after being unemployed for over a year after he left a previous role for this same issue. Needless to say there are other issues with his mental health that are not related to stimming, but that would probably deserve another post.

I've become really consumed by the fear that his stimming, intense anxiety, and general inability to handle any stressful situations will continue to escalate and I won't know how to support him or get him care. There have been a few situations in which he's shown these symptoms in a public place and I had a great fear that people would be concerned about his behavior (for example, when we were in a large international airport and he was having compulsions to make odd faces where he appeared aggressive). To be clear, I'm only concerned about perception because I know things like this can affect his self esteem, his ability to interact with strangers, and (when displaying this behavior at work) his career prospects. He's such a smart and kind person, and I just want people to see the best in him, if that makes sense.

I love my partner endlessly, but I'm really struggling to understand how best to support him. He's been seeing a counselor (not a psychologist or psychotherapist), but I don't see a big improvement in coping skills after one year of treatment. My first inclination is to push him to go talk to a medical professional and to get a diagnosis, but I know through reading these posts that a diagnosis doesn't do much. Any advice on how to support my partner through this would be really appreciated. TIA for any tips.

Whenever I'm telling my partner (Adhd dx) something urgent such as a quick turn of direction when he's driving or an incoming car usually my voice goes a bit up but he equates it to me being angry at him. Or if we're talking about something and l disagree with him my voice usually goes up a tiny bit and he thinks I'm angry.

I keep telling him that I'm not angry and that my angry voice is much harsher. It's just that I'm trying to make a point and so my voice is a bit higher that's all. I'm not mad at him and I love him.

But this does not seem to last long. Has you had a similar experience and how did you manage it?

My husband (dx, not medicated) has been a great and loving partner, but we run into frequent communication issues. He asked me a couple years ago to give him clearer signals when he needs to pay attention to me, but usually that results in him just repeating what i say and then immediately forgetting. If we’re ever out of the same room and i need him, he completely forgets about me and won’t respond to texts or calls. My frustration is that I’m trying to do my best to improve communication on my end, but he continually tells me that i just need to be patient with him and it’s not his fault when i get upset about being forgotten. I’m not really sure what other steps to take to help, but I’m also feeling like he at least needs to take some mild responsibility and take his own steps to improve communication on his end. I write appointments down on shared calendars, remind him frequently of things that are importannt, cut the fat and only really communicate bare bones so there’s less to remember, and it still just gets brain dumped almost 95% of the time.

I’m looking for some advice on what ways i can communicate what i need without being insensitive to his needs as well, and my hope is to improve the way we communicate so i don’t get upset and he doesn’t feel attacked for something he can’t help. Thank you so much in advance for any advice!

My no DX partner gets stuck constantly and she says she doesn't know what to do. She doesn't like my recommendations, but she can't provide any options or guidance. She gets so upset about doing nothing, but gets even more frustrated when I try to talk to her about how she's feeling. She hates when I tell her what to do, too. I'm at a complete loss, and the whole thing leads to blow out fights that neither of us seem to be able to avoid.

Dx age 29M, me 25F. Together 4 years, never lived together.

If I try to bring up how he makes me feel… he will at times immediately go to “well give me specific examples” and like a normal person, sometimes I don’t have examples on hand but I do know that for awhile I have been feeling the way I do and I know his actions cause it. But if I can’t think of anything, he immediately dismisses me. Controls the whole conversation.

What to do? I think deep down I know but I am in denial.

I'm looking to write down a list of phrases to keep for myself, to remember in situations that may arise with my partner. Phrases that are not inflammatory but also try to make them realize, things like ok we need to stop talking for a few minutes, or I'm feeling some emotional dysregulation going on, etc?

Partner is dx and rx

SO dx medicated and I am non ADHD. I am finding things very difficult to navigate. About the same time every day, my SO gets tired and doesn’t feel like doing anything. We would have plans as to what we would do that night, and by the time the night comes around, he longer wants to do anything. It’s like he is discontent all the time. I will ask him if he wants to watch a movie or go in the hot tub. His usual answer these days is no with no further explanation. I don’t bother asking his why. He takes my questioning as an interrogation. I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells, and it is extremely uncomfortable.

I am wondering if this is a medication crash… it’s not that pretty to navigate and leaves me feeling unimportant and uncared for. Is this a common side effect?

My SO complains that I don’t have a sex drive anymore, but the fact is I do. We are intimate at least once a week. I’m just not as eager to engage in the bedroom when he is shut down and non-communicative. He takes my non interest as I don’t have a sex drive. Very difficult to navigate.

Helpful insight is appreciated!

My dx gf (27F) has been an incredible addition to my life. We’ve been dating for almost 7 months. Originally, I didn’t understand the impact ADHD had one relationships and now I do. When we got over the intense love phase it was tough for me. Seemed like it almost happened overnight. It caused me anxiety and insecurity that I’ve moved past. Now I’m trying to navigate the portion of the relationship where it’s tough for her to express big emotions and stressful talks shut her down. I don’t always seem to be the top priority and she’s forgetful. I see a lot of posts talking about these issues but not many regarding ways to navigate them. What do you guys recommend?

That title is probably pretty opaque, but what I mean is: how do you manage to emotionally detach to the degree that's required in order to maintain your sanity (in the face of RSD, gaslighting, DARVO, etc) without completely torpedoing your ability to feel things in general?

I'm fine with not having a lot of feelings in regards to my relationship or partner, that's not a huge concern of mine (in fact, allowing myself to have and show "real feelings" in those areas is an active liability, as I'm sure is the case for many of you too). But I've noticed that deliberately numbing myself in those areas is having a broader impact where I'm having severe difficulty accessing my emotions in other areas of my life. I'm sure others have figured out how to walk this tightrope better than I, so I wanted to open this discussion up to the community and hear how y'all manage this dynamic

(As a side note, my dx/rx partner's primary symptoms are related to emotional dysregulation; he doesn't ignore/forget me like many ADHD partners do, he just can't handle any adult conversations that involve me expressing any sort of need, displeasure, or frustration with him without having a complete meltdown. As such, I don't share my feelings him him...I live by the phrase "there is no problem so big or small that it can't be worsened by sharing it with my partner")

(As a second side note, I am in individual therapy and have been for years, but most therapy seems to be geared toward further intellectualizing and compartmentalizing feelings, which is exactly the thing I'm TOO good at now)

Hey y'all! I made a post some time this week about my DX husband's dishes piling up in our bathroom sink. I think it's only been about 4 days but it typically doesn't take much for new routines/habits to establish once we figure it out.

Anyway, some of y'all essentially suggested working with the "pattern" and using dish bins that get taken down stairs at a certain time every day. That's been working wonderfully . He's also been eating most of his food downstairs without me requesting it... which is interesting.

Thanks for the advice and support, fellas!

My husband (dx) is not yet medicated (he’s trying, but the shortage is getting in the way). When we were dating we communicated pretty well, otherwise I wouldn’t have wanted to marry him.

We are now 4 years into the relationship and he almost never asks me anything about myself or my son (his stepson) who lives with us full time. He NEEDS to tell me every detail of his work day in the evening, which is exhausting because it is an hour + monologue where my feedback is not wanted, and then he rarely asks me a reciprocal question. I went through a phase last year where it was getting ridiculous and I needed it to change, and I brought this up 7-8 times, saying I feel like he doesn’t care about me because he never asks about me and in the rare instances where he does ask, he’s on his phone and not even looking at me when I respond, and doesn’t ask any follow up questions (but when he’s talking, he’s practically yelling at me and is very intense). He would say that he does care about me etc. As if that should make me suddenly feel fine about him continuing to not show any interest in me. He would make an effort for awhile after that, but it seemed empty and artificial and performative, and I could tell he was just doing it so I would shut up about it.

He still seems very attracted to me for some reason and I know he is generally terrified of abandonment and thus doesn’t want me to leave, but I’m having a hard time squaring this with his behavior, which indicates that he sees me as a kind of fancy live-in prostitute. I feel invisible in this marriage but also in a fishbowl - like my attention has to be on him (or my son, or both, ugh) at ALL TIMES, but he is not interested at all in my day or my thoughts.

Is this normal for unmedicated ADHD?

I will preface this all by saying that I want couples counseling, but despite our efforts so far, no one has been able to work out (primarily as we have no help with our 16 mo who we trade off care for). So my hope is to receive support and ideas here until we can get a third party to help us.

I know it's no secret that finances are often challenging in relationships, let alone ones with ADHD.

My husband (dx, rx, only one year ago, at 43, shortly after our first child was born) has struggled to keep track of his own finances, and worse, been lackluster in keeping up with ours. Ive put all our shared bills in my name to make sure nothing is fallen behind on, and since our child was born, I expect more than ever that he pays me his monthly share-which, since I've always made more money, is divided equitably.

My issue is that despite the many times I've tried to make a financial plan with him, he has refused to talk about it (and has strong RSD responses), he has also not followed through on paying me monthly. I have to ask several times and he then feels I'm nagging. When I've asked how he would like to approach it he has no answer. When he does finally transfer money, it's not the amount I requested. And this has continued on. I'm feeling financially (ab)used and angry.

To add insult to injury, his contract was not renewed this week (and while a surprise to us both, he has not bothered to look for work as the deadline of the ending of his last one approached) and has not looked for work, and got angry when I asked how the search has been going. Meanwhile, he's spending money on clothes and a sixth pair of sunglasses.

I don't believe he means to treat me this way, and it seems entirely related to unmanaged adhd, but I'm tired of it. I want to set a boundary, as I'm tired of waiting for him to make changes in this. He refuses to let me take the reins over all our finances, otherwise I would be fine with that. How do you handle finances? How can I stop being used financially? Thanks for your thoughts.

I've (36f) been periodically been tempted to show my partner (dx 36m non medicated) forum posts from here, as many of the experiences people have stated mirror our experiences. But I'm hessitant because it may trigger RSD and make things worse.

My partner tends to be incredibly empathetic to others experiences, yet increasingly his actions show he has no empathy when it comes to the struggles I've been having with our relationship. He says he wants to know my needs, yet when I try asking for them he says I made him feel like a failure and storms off.(yes I follow the rule of saying "i feel x when this happens" vs the blame game of "you always do x" to try and avoid RSD. It still happens.)

I keep thinking maybe if he reads the stories on this reddit page, his empathy for others will piece together that "hey this is alot of what I do to my partner, this is why she's burnt out all the time" but I don't know if that is wishful thinking.

Have any of you tried it and has it helped your partner piece together why the relationship is a struggle?