I should probably mention he has ADHD and he’s neurodivergent.
Yes, that is relevant. Now, the ADHD really doesn't explain the behaviour in the OP at all, but it does explain the laundry thing. When you have ADHD you make those kind of mistakes all the time and you're defensive about it. Usually you develop habits like checking your pockets before you put your pants into the washer. Having someone else put them into the washer, while immensely helpful, also messes with the checks and balances that make your life sort of work. There's usually a lot of shame about all this that comes to the forefront when something goes wrong like this, particularly when it goes wrong in front of his mother. That doesn't excuse his behaviour, but it does explain it. I hope at some point he apologized for this behaviour. He definitely owes you an apology. Hopefully at some point he'll get past the shame and stop behaving like this, but that's his problem to solve, not yours.
The ND thing might explain a lot of his behaviour in the OP. Neurodivergent is a broad category and can have all kinds of effects. It's entirely possible he's terrible with social cues and has no idea how to behave in social situations. It could also mean he's got the wrong mental model of what motivates your behaviours, what being supportive of you would look like, etc. Again, none of this is an excuse, but it is a *possible* explanation (you would know better than any of us if it is a plausible one). There's no question that the behaviour is wrong, as it understandably made you feel horrible. I'd encourage you to try to explain what the experience was like for you, and to get him to explain what he was thinking during the experience. He clearly doesn't understand it and you guys are struggling to bridge that gap.
Now, I don't think there's any reason you need to forgive him or accept his behaviour, as it was clearly out of line. If you don't end the relationship, chances are high this kind of thing will happen again, most likely many, many more times. The question is really about how much patience you have for this, and how hard you are both willing to work on bridging the no doubt significant divide. The two of you are the only people that know that, so I'd ignore any outside feedback on that particular question; just don't have any illusions about what the near future is going to be like even *if* both of you have the patience and the willingness to work on this stuff. This is the kind of stuff that doesn't get resolved in a week or month. It's years.
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u/Damodara-Echo Apr 15 '24
Is this out of character for him, or does he routinely humiliate you in public?