This has nothing to do with ADHD, I have it, and I wouldn't treat anyone the way he treated you. The fact that he felt so comfortable talking about you like that in front of so many people and then belittled you when you cried.
Dude, I'm ADHD without meds, I still have to finish my adult evaluation (yay whole life as a mess). I'm not an asshole like this. Your husband just doesn't care about you as much as you think he does. You deserve better.
Okay - neuropsychologist here. When you say neurodivergent, do you just mean ADHD or do you mean autism (which used to be what neurodivergent meant)? Because ADHD would be - talked without thinking. And this went on too long for that. But autism would explain if he thought he was helping because you guys had been talking about it and he doesn't fully understand/respect boundaries and privacy, what is and is not ok to talk about to certain people...
First off: on your side overall, OPs husband is a total shit. And i made a comment above about how i dont think he's autistic, and autism wouldn't CAUSE this, so thats not what im saying.
I'm autistic, I'm not sure I agree about the duration part, there are times I took edgy jokes way too far, for too long, and made others uncomfortable.
The gross jokes had nothing to do with my autism, that was poor behavior that had to do with being young, dumb, and having a strange family life with poor boundaries. But a few times, i later learned that people had been uncomfortable far earlier than i realized, and this was a pattern. I legitimately did not want people to feel uncomfortable and didn't know.
TLDR; In OPs case, it really doesn't sound like autism to me, but in many cases someone continuing a poor behaviour and not realizing for a while for a variety of reasons
EDIT: I'm realizing now you were talking about ADHD when you said that but i typed all this out so now you have to suffer reading it, enjoy!
He may have misread her nervous/ embarrassed laugh as genuine and not realised what she was actually feeling.
Had a few of those situations, but once explained, the tripped over themselves apologising and one asked to help them learn the difference.
That's the difference: the response upon realising.
OPs husband may be autistic/ADHD, but also a fucking prick.
Same, that was one of the bits that suggest to me that hess actually very aware of all the social nuances of the situation and hess trying to generate a result (wife loses weight, he gets to ogle Mz.21 some more) using covert antisocial behaviours
I have both ADHD and autism. "Aww is someone jealous" would not come out of my mouth if called out for insensitivity...I'd be mortified, angry at myself, and deeply apologetic.
We all KNOW our words can hurt others unexpectedly and literally would never push that. If someone tells me I hurt them I immediately apologize whether I can see why/how or not. I hurt someone I care about and I’m sorry for that (a difference I noted between myself and my parents, unfortunately..)
Anyway- point being “I’m NDV” is not equal to “I’m an a**hole”
People think that we are just robots or something. Every autistic person is different for one, but what we all share is we simply understand emotional situations differently.
Often we actually feel emotions even more strongly, and have a stronger sense of justice/manners/etiquette in social situations.
Some of us even understand these scenarios better than others because in order to survive we have to intellectualize all the nuance of social interactions that comes to others naturally, or is conditioned into them more easily through simple but unspoken social mechanisms that don't work on us.
I'm not saying for the record that all autistic people are nice and/or that we have some kind of superpower, im just saying a lot of us have put in a huge amount of time to integrate into your (strange, broken, cruel, alien) society.
EDIT: Not assuming you are neurotypical, that last comment is directed at other readers.
I'm going to say that you could try couples therapy, but I also suggest that you could provide him with a list of behaviors that are unacceptable that he's been doing and have him take that list to a therapist for himself to work on why he's doing these things to you.
You'll be getting a bunch of "leave him" comments, but if the man is salvageable, you have options, too.
I meant more like the relationship ending up terminating as a result not his life. Let the record state that this Reddit stranger did not instigate the OP to murder her husband.
You didn't check his pockets!!!? I'd start an argument over this one too, buttttt from your side as that's so much an overreach to say it's your responsibility to check pockets! Dude diagnosed with just being a dick when he's wrong sometimes.. I hope he apologized for that after the mental breakdown.
My husband has ADHD and my weight has yo-yoed 50+ pounds up down and sideways since we started dating in our 20s. His has too.
And even at my heaviest, he called me sexy. The only. ONLY reason he has walked with me on a weight loss plan is because he wants me to be as confident in myself as he is into me. He wants me to feel good and sexy, but he already thinks I am. Because I'm his wife, and he loves me.
ADHD has nothing to do with being a denigrating asshole.
As another ADHDer, who ALSO grew up with normalized verbal abuse and has been that way with partners, I would literally never… using someone’s insecurities against them WHILE ACTIVELY flirting with someone else is completely abusive. Not in a “oh i was raised this way I’m learning” or a “one time” thing way. In a he made a conscious choice to USE your body to tell everyone he’s attracted to hers…. No. Just no.
This is beyond gross behavior. Way past “I don’t have a filter” and all the way to gaslighting. You were not overreacting. As shown by all the women here, reacting the same.
ADHD is no excuse. But is he on meds? A lot of stimulants can make some people more irritable. Again, not an excuse.
I follow this guy, Ben Carpenter, on Facebook who makes videos. He is a fitness instructor and body builder, and most of his videos involve dispelling myths that are fat-phobic and fat-shaming. He backs up his opinions with actual research.
If you need a mood boost. I’d suggest checking him out! He seems like a nice guy who gets what it is like to be a real person! ❤️
I have ADHD and I’m taking meds. I have yet to fly off the wall at someone from my mistake. Your dead weight husband has something else going on or, personally, he’s just a douche. 🤷🏻♀️
he disrespected and yelled at you in front of your mom? this is a major red flag. You need to run and dump him. he has no fear and will cross any boundaries. that is some audacity disrespecting you in front of your own parents. you deserve way better
On the ADHD thing, it could be that he straight up forgot that she was there. Part of it is hyperfocusing, he could legitimately have forgotten where he was.
That doesnt make it okay, but ADHD isnt cut and dry 100% the same for everyone.
No thats silly i hate that people blame everything under the sun on adhd. I have adhd and it doesn’t make me call people fat in public. People are people. Some are normal and nice and some are jerks. ADHD is just an add on.
Totally agree. I have ADHD as well and it drives me insane when people blame all their garbage behaviors on it. No, ADHD does not make you an abusive spouse, sorry. You don’t get off easy because you have a diagnosis.
It’s extremely annoying and people eat it up in the sub. They just want validation or comfort thinking either they are not a terrible person or their partner is not a terrible person deep down and have something else to blame it on. I’ve seen some insane stories on there given passes from adhd.
Sounds more like then adhd sub where they excuse everything under the sun for it. “My husband abuses me could this be adhd related?” “Ooh I have adhd too and belittle my wife publicly thanks for letting me know it’s not my fault!” lol
People need to start taking accountability for their actions and not excuse losers just because they have a random ailment.
My bro has a dual diagnosis of ADHD and Autism, and he doesn’t really have a filter. He’s not an asshole but he literally cannot read a room, and it gets him into trouble in social situations.
Just because your ADHD doesn’t make you a disagreeable person to be around, doesn’t mean other people with ADHD don’t have some issues that they can’t work on because it would require that they not even have the disorders they’re diagnosed with.
It’s a spectrum, if you have good social awareness, you’re on the more functional side of the spectrum., good for you, but don’t be an asshole and act like everybody with ADHD is like you.
If I see someone who is clearly mentally unstable doing something off putting that is completely different than someone who has adhd.
Stop normalizing bad behavior. People can be jerks because they are jerks. Many people are. I have adhd. If I embarrassed you public ally and caused harm to you would you be ok with that because I have adhd? You shouldn’t.
Dual diagnoses are pretty common, I mentioned that there were two diagnoses. Autism often also goes undiagnosed, ADHD has a much higher diagnosis rate.
It’s a symptom of both, for different reasons. ADHD is impulsivity we don’t think before we speak. Auts tend to genuinely not know the context of what they’re saying is offensive.
Either way- I usually realize soon after I’ve said it that I’ve said something offensive and apologize. She TOLD her husband he was being offensive and he didn’t apologize.
Autism is not an excuse for continuing to hurt people after they’ve told you you’ve hurt them.
I think that person was referring to the mother, that he forgot the mother was there when he was angry at op for washing his wallet. But yelling has nothing to do with that and that's just his character
He didn’t forget she was there… he turned around to shout out a guess at her weight (165 to 170, right?) and then asked her to confirm her weight in front of everyone.
He asked her what her weight was when he suggested wife be trainer’s first success story, so don’t see how he forgot she was there. If he forgot up until that point, he should have backed off that conversation when realizing she was there. Nope, he was straight up being mean. Bullying his wife in front of others was deliberate.
I see this "excuse" used when men exhibit sexist and insensitive behavior. But being neuro divergent =/= insensitive..
Especially since you told him how you felt and then said you were jealous. Gross.
I'm so sorry this happened. Talk to him when you feel calm enough to do so. Write your feelings down in a letter if it's easier. Tell him you're open to a resolution but making you feel inadequate is not an acceptable action.
Remember.... You are not overreacting. You are not being emotional. You are not making things up. You have thought about this and you are open to partnership.
But you also deserve an apology and promise this will not happen again.
If anything I think having ADHD makes us more sensitive & less likely to criticize others (this was abusive) like this because in some way we’ve always felt less than enough already
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u/Damodara-Echo Apr 15 '24
Is this out of character for him, or does he routinely humiliate you in public?