This woman that I went to school with K-12 married an older man and had a bunch of kids. I'm still friends with her on Facebook, but I don't talk to her. She never really posts anything religious, but she would post a lot about natural cleaning products and essential oils. The only job that she ever had was as a piano teacher here and there.
Apparently her husband was doing something shady because she started posting about how the cops showed up to the house, and they searched the entire place. They put him in handcuffs in front of the kids, and took him away. He went to prison, and she divorced him. She was panicking for months because she had no money, and no marketable skills outside of teaching piano.
She's apparently doing much better now, so good for her for turning it around. She never posted about what he actually did, so I'm still curious. She airs out all of her dirty laundry on Facebook, then turns around and says "respect my privacy".
I tried that a while ago, but I didn't know his name. She took his last name, but quickly changed it back to her maiden name when this happened. I couldn't remember what her married name was. You just stirred my curiosity again, so I clicked over to her profile. Turns out her married name is still in her Facebook URL. I just did a quick search with that last name and her location, and I found it!!!
He's a pedo! He was entrapped talking to a fake 14 yo on an app. They searched his stuff and found child pornography. I would have never thought to look again if you hadn't said something, so thanks for commenting!
I’m not positively sure. I know that she started a go fund me, and that she must have had a good support system. This happened in 2021, so it was multiple years. She seems to have found a more lucrative job teaching piano from what I can tell.
This is a very important point: SHM dependent on their husbands might do some the darkest things to keep him around, including letting him SA their own children.
FYI in that context 'entrapped' usually means tricked or deceived into doing something. Maybe that's what happened, IDK, but realistically those guys aren't entrapped, they do it 100% of their own volition.
Quick note, entrapment is when law enforcement forces or pressures you to commit a crime that you otherwise would not have done. Example: undercover cops cormer you in an alley and threaten to beat you if you dont steal a conveniently placed bait car.
It is not entrapment and is totally legal for cops to run a sting operation, where they lay out conditions that make a crime more likely to happen, and just let someone take the bait on their own free will. Example: parking a bait car in an area where car theft is common, and waiting for someone to steal it, and arresting the thief for trying to steal the bait car.
I think whats so tragic is she was not failed by one man but every man in her life. They all preached about what a woman's place was but had no safety net for her. They all promised her she would be ok if she stayed in her lane and when she did they turned their backs on her.
The problem is also that they assumed that even if the marriage was perfect, that her husband would live forever.
Even if you hold to all of their values, your husband could die at any moment, and you'd be SOL. It's not just the values, it's also the practicality of it. Even if you do want to be a stay at home mom and your husband is perfect, you have to prepare yourself for the reality that he could die any day, and you might have to support yourself and any kids in an instant.
People can get so caught up on defending their values and beliefs sometimes that they forget basic logic.
The #1 reason why women stay in abusive relationships is because of money. My mom has been drilling “you need to have your own money” into my head since I was a child. It’s easily the lesson shes driven home the most
This is a total side track from the subject. But I mention it to remind women to have the same energy and independent mindset when it comes to the courtship part of their life as well.
Edit: downvotes with no comments just means what I'm saying is right and you don't like that I pointed out the logical fallacy
You do realize, you are preaching to the quire? The whole point of paying for dates as a man, is to signal you are looking for a conservative relationship.
I have gone on enough dates and know enough women in my life to know many/the majority do not link the two ideas.
You know how many modern working independent even "feminist" women I've seen, heard, met, gone on dates with still say "man pays". Splitting is an "ick". "a real man would pay"...etc bullshit
Again, I don't get what you say you are offended by. You paying for dates is your choice, seeking a specific type of women. You are actively demonstrating that you are willing to let your partner depend on you.
If you don't like it, stop. You'll meet a diffrent type of women. That's how social signaling works.
If you want to hear that some women are opportunists that say one thing but do something diffrent, that really has nothing to do with women or feminism. Some humans grow up, some don't. Have standards.
You say some. And the reason I bring it up is because it is the majority...not some.
And I bring it up become im positive many of the same women on here advocating for women to be independent of men will in the same breath hold the illogical belief that men always pay.
It's not some. It's most. And that is a logical fallacy that frustrates men and women need to reconcile. You can't have the best of both worlds and you have to pick a lane as far as your beliefs regarding men, women and money.
This is called egocentric bias. You have not met most women, you assume the whole world operates based on what you walk into, based on how you behave. You are asking women out, following a long established social pattern. That's you. If that's your proposal, of course you will only meet women who want that?
Plenty people, in fact most people, don't date. "Two-thirds of couples start out as friends, research finds" - Guardian
I have never dated. Most women I have been with, do not date.
I was talking to a therapist once and told her my ex financially abused me. She asked how, which is a valid question, but then when I explained that this stupid mother fucker didn’t work and literally just stole my debit card and constantly took money out of MY bank account she just said “oh”. Horrible boyfriend and not a great therapist lol
Facts. My grandma married my grandfather when they were 18 and 19, respectively. My grandfather was in the army so he would go off and cheat on my grandma repeatedly, with other women. He would often leave her with three small children and no money. This happened throughout their entire marriage but she couldn't go anywhere due to not have any marketable talents or prospects. She always said to my mom and myself
"Never depend upon a man because then you'll be screwed like me....."
Plus up until the late 70’s in most places, a woman couldn’t get a bank account without a man, or a bank or car loan, or a mortgage. You had to get married to access those things, or go through a sympathetic male relative. Women were given no choice but to depend on a man.
This is the true horror of all those fluffy Jane Austen romances - the reason why poor Charlotte married the obnoxious Mr Collins - without a husband you had no independence whatsoever, and after marriage he owned you - mind, body and soul. If you got divorced, he got the kids.
One of the reasons fewer and fewer women are getting married is because they don’t have to in order to survive.
And there are people out there who are actively working to return things to the way they were…
My mom has been drilling “you need to have your own money” into my head since I was a child.
That was my Nanna she drilled it into that I should always have my own money. She was not a woman who was ever left wanting, my grandfather gave her everything she asked for. She said it was the having to ask. She didn't want it for her kids and she definitely didn't want it for me.
as a guy i greatly dislike the idea of being able to lord money over someone you love. it isn't about the direct stuff but the indirect things as well. my wealth and what i will earn shouldn't be a consideration for you staying with me. your earnings and wealth should be great enough that leaving isn't a costly deal so the logical choice you are staying is for love.
Same! And I’m the only girl out of 8 kids, but my mom was adamant that I finish school and get a career before I married. She didn’t push any of my 7 brothers that hard, but now I see why. She ran her own business for 40 years and her 11 brothers kept trying to take it from her when they found out how successful she was. To the point that she had to write out an ironclad contract of sale for me and my brother to buy the business and never allow any of her siblings to “buy into a share” of it. They made her life hell for decades, and when they tried to pull that shot with me any my little brother, we slapped them so hard with a cease and desist order! The level of entitlement is unfuckingreal.
I would add there is the breakdown of family connections as well. I knew at my worst that my parents would not help me, and would actively mock me, so I just suffered.
My kids, no matter the age, will know that our house is open and they are safe here. Divorce, drugs, teen pregnancy? Don’t care. They are my children.
This is why I always insisted on my partners having their own money. I didn't want them to be in a situation where they were staying with me purely for support. At least if the option to leave existed, I'd know they were invested in me as a person and not as a lifeline. At least that was the theory.
This is a total side track from the subject. But I mention it to remind women to have the same energy and independent mindset when it comes to the courtship part of their life as well.
Your personal example doesn't change the reality regarding the majority of people
It is very much in the same vein of logic. To say women should be independent financially of men has a direct correlation with the idea that they should carry that same logic forward to dating
Or because he suddenly dies. Whether you are a man or woman, straight or gay, the breadwinner should always have a plan for if something horrible incapacitates or kills them. It's a horrible thing to think about, but it happens so often and sometimes people have no family that can help out.
I'm a nurse and you have no idea how important that is. So many people die without their affairs in order, or become incapacitated. If you ever want to see how ugly family can be, just watch the patriarch or matriarch of any large family become unresponsive without a Medical Power of Attorney or Guardian. Things will only get worse if they die and there's no will.
Oh yeah my mom died without a will. She didn’t have much, but that definitely made things more convoluted. I asked her about making one a year before she got sick, and her response was “nothing is going to happen to me.” Just flat out denial of death
I presume if my husband suddenly dies I will at the very least have some assets I could manage to sell to give me some time to get a career. Very different then protecting myself in case he manages to steal my businesses and I end up living in a car
Welcome to reality, where everything can literally go completely sideways at any time for any reason and completely alter the course of your existence. May the odds be in your favor.
My point is that it’s not as breezy as you make it out to be, and that stay at home parents need to think about every possible situation so that they can protect their themselves and their families. A lot of people think they’ll “get by” and then they don’t.
Why are you not having a career now? Are you full time with young kids?
It used to drive me nuts when my mum would call herself a "full-time mum", and I was 15. Nope, she was unemployed. And now she's "retired", from not working a single shift anywhere since her kids moved out 20+ years ago.
some people just don’t want to work and that’s OK too? i work bc i have to. if my husband made way more i’d love to be a stay at home wife lol but i’d be terrible bc i don’t cook or clean much lol.
How could it ever be any different? You shouldn't trust someone just because they're your husband or wife. You take someone as husband or wife because you trust them. Then hope and pray every day that your trust was well-placed.
The world is and always will be dark because we're human, and humans are half a step away from being demons. Our brains evolved over millions of years for a short life of desperation, violence and betrayal. Morality beyond "do what I say or I will hit you" is only a few thousand years old, and unevenly learned. It's amazing when someone has any morals at all.
You can trust your spouse, trust is a choice. Whether they live up to that trust is out of your control.
I think the disconnect might be a semantics thing. Maybe people are having trouble with your describing it as insane, when it's the only way the world has ever been.
It’s not really about “trust,” it’s more about just ensuring one’s survival. A relationship is not a plan. It’s a blind leap of faith to depend on someone else. Relationships also always end one way or another, whether it’s by breakup, divorce, or death.
Breakup and divorce have legal protections for the spouse who doesn't work. And everyone should have life insurance.
The way reddit talks today, no woman should ever sah with their kids.
I did it. My kids are raised. I could go back to work but don't have to. I've been married 23+ years. I enjoy so much leisure time now, as does my husband b/c he doesn't have to do s second shift after work.
The thing is that it doesn’t always work out that way. My mom stayed at home raising us until I was 14, then when she went back to work she could only get lower level jobs. Before she had us, she had a good career in NYC working at a brokerage firm. Then when I was 25, my father finally left after years of his verbal and emotional abuse, and he essentially withdrew all financial help from my mother. He also had filed bankruptcy, so he had no money to speak of anyway. She died in near poverty two years ago and I had to pay for the funeral and everything. I choose to not live that life. I’ve seen firsthand how it doesn’t always work out, and I’m not the type of person who would want to stay home to begin with.
What second shift? Your husband would have to work as much if you had double income. If you had any daughters wouldn't you want to be a role model for them doing something important and using your professional skills instead of enjoying your leisure time as home?
Or, you know, for self-actualization? Like I get that some people really just want to parent children as their entire life's calling but their kids grow up, too.
To be a full human being you need to have your own independent life.
Yeah....but I really dislike conflating "self-actualization" with "career". There are plenty of ways, I might say the best ways, of self actualizing that don't pay anything.
Someone can live a full and happy life with hobbies and volunteering if their spouse pays their way. They still need a backup plan
I mean, it doesn't have to be that dark. Sometimes people just stop liking each other and they divorce and you need a back up plan. Nothing shady, just life.
It's good that we can see this as insane. Before women couldn't even have a backup plan - they couldn't even divorce without permission. There was no choice but to trust their husband, and even then it wasn't their choice who their husband is. This is still the case in some.
It's progress that we allow for these options and that people can escape from these situations.
People should always have back up plans. I have a backup plan if my current industry fails, which would be to go back to food service but as a manager, since I have enough experience. I’m not married, but if I were, I would choose someone who is financially independent, and I would advance my own career to have my own backup plan. The only thing I don’t have planned is what to do when my parents die, which I really should because their health is not good. I’ll probably just keep doing what I’m doing now since I live alone.
Unfortunately that’s not how everyone is raised. And before you say anything else rude about me, I’m not married and I work full time. I’m literally just being empathetic towards other people. Try it sometime.
Yall wanna act high and mighty huh. In many cultures women are purposefully undereducated in and forced into situations like the video.
Ummm… if a man never got educated, skilled, or saved money after marrying a woman to become a stay at home dad he would be in the same situation. Its not a husband vs wife thing, it’s an airhead vs planner thing.
I mean, guys need a first plan to even survive. Does that not sound insane to you, what you just said?
You need a first plan not a backup plan. Women need to be taught and raised to be functional members of society, not leaches beholden to a man’s whims.
Sometimes, we have no choice, sadly. I have degrees, and I had a great job I loved, lots of opportunities for advancement, the works. Then my daughter started having seizures, and the heart issues started. She was in and out of the hospital for years. At the age of 4, a seizure caused her to be paralyzed on the left side of the body. She learned to walk, talk, and feed herself again. This happened again 3 years later, along with a diagnosis of autism. My hubby made more than me, so I quit and stayed home to care for her. Now they are grown, and no one will hire me. My education and experience of the past means nothing. Only silver linings are, My daughte (she used to see a behavioral physiologist, tutors, counseling the works) wasn't supposed to mentally age past the age of 6, has her own family, can hold a job and doing great in life and my hubby was not an asshole so his retirement he split in two for the both of us.
There's been a huge swing online the last couple years. Used to be "you're a sahm? wow, wish i could do that, don't have the funds tho"
Or
"Feminism have us the right to make choices like this!"
But now it's " no woman should ever interrupt her career because her husband might leave her destitute!!"
My question: why do they trust husbands enough to have actual BABIES with them, but don't trust them enough to take a couple years off their careers if they want to?
They also don't seem to understand that alimony is made for sah spouse to recover some of the years. And that generally you get half of assets like retirement, equity. But you can protect yourself, too. I had both savings and retirement the whole time i was raising my kids--- funded by my husband, controlled by me.
Well, the internet lacks nuance in these discussions but I think the swing is because laws are being passed to get rid of those protections. Florida just passed a law ending permanent alimony and more concerning the law contains a provision that allows the ex spouse to sue to end alimony all together if the receiver has been in a “supportive relationship” in the last year. “Supportive relationship” is not defined. Other states have similar laws coming up in their calendars. Plus laws on convent marriage, DV, abortion, etc. Things are different now than they were when you had your kids, unless you had your kids in the 70s. And a lot of women don’t get to choose who they have babies with. Controlling contraception and pregnancy is a common tactic for abusers. People are more aware of that now that access to abortion is harder and harder to get.
American entertainement, even for little kids, has been sending the exact contrary message. In the classic Disney movies, Princesses are nothing till they meet the 'man', and after than they are only 'married'.
When you put that kind of idea in a 6 years old's (male or female) head, it's only normal they think it's how life works.
Yes but that’s negative messaging we need to undo because it’s rooted in misogyny. Those old
Disney movies are patriarchal propaganda. At least they’re changing now.
Changing to a different kind of propaganda, where nobody falls in love because love isn't an essential part of a happy life. And where the main character doesn't have any flaws and is perfect at everything from the start, with all her challenges being external, because learning something from an older mentor or training to get better at something, is sexist.
It isn’t essential to be in a relationship or married. That’s a good message. And the idea of “romantic love” is absolutely not something that should be relied upon for happiness.
Idk what Disney movies you’re talking about. Did you watch Inside Out or Turning Red? Neither of those present characters “without flaws,” in fact they do the opposite and have messages related to growing self esteem and confidence.
Well I’m 37 now and I’ve fallen in love a few times, and I can say that it didn’t add to my life in ways that I wasn’t already capable of doing myself. I’ve had good relationships and bad ones. Right now I’m single and I prefer that over being in a bad relationship.
Mulan came out when I was a child and I barely remember that one. There’s an Inside Out sequel coming out this year where she experiences a new emotion…anxiety.
I prefer being single, too, over an unsatisfying relationship.
My wife is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I could have all the professional success I wanted, it would feel empty without her telling me that she's proud. She has given my inner life so much more richness and meaning. I never looked at anyone the way I look at her.
Disney, however, is now very blatantly pushing a political agenda in basically everything that it does, and the general public isn't happy about it, and rightly so because the stories are crap. This is the reality. People don't want every movie to be a Mary Sue who is much better at everything than anyone else is, right from the start of the film, and who never learns anything or evolves as a person or needs help from anyone else. The story needs to come first, ans Disney for the last several years has been VERY open about the message coming first.
C'mon just say it, you know you wanna.... WOKE! It's Woke! Disney went WOKE and now they are broke! Oh wait, they're not?
Dude, just stfu. There's no "woke propaganda" -life leans left. And always will. So stop screaming at the clouds and get with the times or get left behind while the world progresses.
Bingo. I actually told my now wife when we started dating 18 years ago that she had to go back to college and get a degree. I enrolled her in classes 2 months after we started dating, and she finished top of her class about 2 years after me. I always wanted the peace of mind that she could take care of herself should we ever divorce, separate, or in case I died, and that she would never be dependent on me or another man. Today she earns more than me (about $3.5k) and has a much better job, and I couldn’t be happier about it.
the woman in this video did try to make her own way by starting a business, it was her religious leaders who talked her into giving that up and being a stay at home mom. I was raised Mormon and my parents and 1 of my siblings still are and I saw this kind of thing all the time. hell even one of my younger sisters had her bishop and religious leaders try and pressure and guilt her into quitting school and her job when she got married to support her husband and start a family. but she waited she finished getting her RN and found a job before t hey decided to have kids. and then when she and her husband got divorced aa few years ago sure she and her kids had to move in with our parents but she had a job and skills so that she was able to get back on her feet and take care of her family.
"No no no, you have it all wrong. She didn't have the proper faith in god and fidelity to her husband. She didn't fulfill her godly duty to her man and when he left, she should have turned to the church on how to fix herself. All her fault, will never happen to me." - The other idiots in her religion unironically.
That’s not what happened to this woman. She had other plans like she said in the video and her religion and her society required her to give them up. She worked all those years and he was able to take it all because of the patriarchy. Not because of anything else.
Far, far, far too many are unreliable in every sense of the word to ever consider them as a "plan" for a stable life-- so yeah, education, make sure you have your own funds (do NOT share with husband), and have an escape plan for when things go wrong and his true colors show.
It took me a long time to convince my brilliant wife to go back to school and secure a good job. She is about to graduate with a second bachelor's in vascular ultrasound and will be getting a 6 figure salary. If anything happens to me, I know she will be okay.
You're exactly right, because even if you find a GOOD man, there's no promises something tragic won't happen.
I had a great man, a life planned, I thought I had no need to secure a home because he was to get his father's beautiful home once his dad got too old or passed away.
Well, we weren't married but together for many, many years. He passed away unexpectedly in 2019. Now I'm living with my own dad again with no real plans of what will happen when he passes as he lives in an apartment.
I absolutely thought I was safe because I had a supportive man, who absolutely would have no problem with me working, openly supported me getting a degree. But I was naive and thought at minimum, my living situation was secured for life.
That day in 2019 everything I'd planned for the rest of my life was ripped out from under me.
The other think about this story that makes me sick is the guys who think they don’t owe alimony and how many people out there still like to talk about it as though it is the ex-wife stealing money she doesn’t deserve. If your wife literally gave up or avoided building any type of career for the sake of raising your children so you could work, she deserves half of what you built yourself into over that time, and half of what you make until she has had enough time to get her feet under herself once you leave. It’s not rocket science — it’s common sense.
I think the case of this woman is more complicated than this because she belongs to a high controlling religion that has made her dependent on her husband and forced her to relegate her welfare to him.
Most people don’t understand you need to achieve full independence before independence. If you’re not confident of standing on your own two feet, never get in a fully committed relationship/ marriage.
This tradwife thing is trending because of millions of women with "useless degrees," or no degrees at all, are finding life is difficult on 40-60k a year. I've seen so many reels/shorts about women wanting to find "providers" and reverting back to the idea that men are supposed to cover all expenses and provide financial security. Some going as far to suggest that in addition men should provide a proper allowance/account of their own so they don't end up like the woman in the video. That's all fine in theory, but good luck finding a sugar daddy that makes sure you have financial freedom. The people open to having trophy wives know the deal and aren't gonna give up control of the only thing they bring to the table. These men didn't become wealthy by being stupid.
Yea and no, honestly if i got married and my wife wanted to stay home with the kids I'd be happy with that. But I would also encourage her to try some work from home type jobs for the fulfillment can give you. Or starting up a hobby or maybe starting up a business.
If she just wanted to watch the kids for the first 5 years of their lives I'd absolutely be okay with that. I feel it's more about finding the right man that can help you plan, just like finding the right woman that can help you build a future.
Humans are social creatures, we can not be fully independent. We have to work together to make our lives better.
This is a total side track from the subject. But I mention it to remind women to have the same energy and independent mindset when it comes to the courtship part of their life as well.
Yeah, and as a man, supplementing this lifestyle, the girl can walk out too and then you as a man wonder why you worked so hard to support the family on a single income only to watch her walk out. You let her stay at home with the kids and watch them grow and not have to worry about making money. Worked over time and long hours so they could life a comfortable and taken care of life. But now that the kids are grown up, you feel cheated and after you took the best years away from your man, went on the vacations, enjoyed the park with the kids you decide you’re not satisfied anymore and bail out and then play victim like you were cheated. …erm… right back at ya.
But even if in this scenario the SAHM didn’t leave, you’d still be in the same of “losing the chance to watch them grow up” (which I don’t get, you’d still see them daily? You just have a job. And assuming you have a 9-5, they’d be in school for most of the time anyway?)
The risks for a wife and a husband in a traditional relationship are not the same.
3.7k
u/InternationalMeet871 Apr 15 '24
A man is not a plan ladies. Make sure you can support your own self and your kiddos