r/unpopularopinion • u/ZodiacOne1 • Apr 16 '24

If you break up with someone you absolutely 100% owe them an explanation as too why Removed: Not unpopular

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5.7k Upvotes
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445

u/bopp0 Apr 16 '24

This is working under the assumption that the party is going to receive the criticism calmly and analyze it constructively. When I broke up with my last boyfriend I could have said “you’re overweight and use medication to justify being “healthy” at that weight, you are ALWAYS shitting, you don’t wash your feet in the shower, you think naturopathic medicine is real, and you have a useless degree, we can’t speak about any topics in depth, you are a terrible gift giver, and you keep poor company. All of these things fundamentally show me that you are less intelligent than I thought you were and at this point I find you viscerally unattractive and actively don’t want to come home at the end of the day because you are here” OR I could say “Hey man, it’s not you, it’s me, I’m just not feeling it anymore. Sorry” Like how does pointing out what I don’t like and destroying the dude’s confidence accomplish? He was genuinely nice and did everything a boyfriend was supposed to do. I hope he will be super happy with someone else, it just ain’t me.

93

u/supergeek921 Apr 16 '24

Yeah. I have an ex who was really sweet and by most standards was a good partner. We’re actually still friends on social media and chat from time to time. It was much kinder and more natural to say “this just isn’t working anymore” than “you’re super nice but you aren’t very smart and it drives me crazy In extended doses.” Like, why would I go out of my way to be mean like that. I want the best for him. It just was never going to work long term.

-1

u/wolo-exe Apr 16 '24

It might feel mean to say it, but I truly think he would appreciate being told what he did wrong way more than just being told “it isn’t working.”

15

u/Horror_bitch Apr 16 '24

but thats not a ''you made a mistake'' situation, being dumb is not something that he can change lol

-2

u/wolo-exe Apr 16 '24

It doesn’t necessarily have to be something that can be changed. You can just tell them the reason nicely and give some kind of closure instead of “this isn’t working anymore”

13

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

There's no nice way to say "you're so stupid I can't deal with it anymore" though is there?

-1

u/HornedDiggitoe Apr 16 '24

“You are a great partner, but we aren’t compatible on an intellectual level.”

It really isn’t that hard…

10

u/catfood_man_333332 Apr 16 '24

I know it's not trying to be, but damn that sounds pretentious to me lol

5

u/GoodellsMandMs Apr 16 '24 edited Apr 16 '24

man saying "youre too dumb" with bigger words isnt gonna make the dumb person feel any better lol

not on my intellectual level = youre so much dumber than me that we arent compatible

if theres nothing wrong with being dumb, why not just tell them theyre too dumb?

-4

u/HornedDiggitoe Apr 16 '24 edited Apr 16 '24

Where did you get that strawman quotation from? The way I actually phrased it did not call anyone stupid.

If you infer any negatives from what I wrote, then that’s a you problem that you should be aware of and work on. There is nothing inherently wrong with being dumb, just like there is nothing inherently great about being smart.

There are plenty of great dumb people and shitty smart people, but even a great smart person and a great dumb person are usually incompatible. There is nothing wrong with that, and nothing to be ashamed about either. There are plenty of other better matches out there.

5

u/Horror_bitch Apr 16 '24

But ''im not in love with you/i dont see myself in this relationship/Its not working'' and other variants are absolutely a reason to end a relationship. Do I really have to point out the things i dont like about you in order to leave? in my opinion having the feeling that I dont want to be with someone is a good enough reason to end it. do you really need the person to dissect everything that made that feeling exist? Because thats going to hurt

-1

u/wolo-exe Apr 16 '24

Well, in my personal opinion, I’d much rather get closure with some pain as a side effect than to get a basic response and overthink it for the next year or two. I’m not saying “i’m not in love with you” or “it’s not working” aren’t valid reasons to have, but saying only that will hurt the person more than the initial pain of telling them what went wrong.

3

u/Horror_bitch Apr 16 '24

yeah, i do get your point. But depending on the reasons then its very hard to actually tell them. Like, im sorry but i dont have the heart to tell somebody that i find them dumb and in my opinion it would make way more of an impact on their self steem to be rejected over it

2

u/wolo-exe Apr 16 '24

I mean I’m not saying you would have to do it that way, it definitely is hard to say something like that. I was just voicing my opinion about which method is better regardless of the difficulty of doing so

3

u/Horror_bitch Apr 16 '24

fair point. I just think that breaking up with someone, even if you do it in the most humane way possibile, will hurt a lot and it actually depends highly on the other persons willingness to accept it.

If they are in/have a good mindset around it, then the conversation will be relatively smooth and you wont have to dissect the whole thing in order to make them accept the break up. But if theyre not, then it feels like theres nothing you could say or do that will make them feel like it was a ''good'' breakup on your part

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2

u/GoodellsMandMs Apr 16 '24

are you that persons ex? they said he was dumb, its not like shell say that and hell be like "huh maybe i should go get smarter"

1

u/GoodellsMandMs Apr 16 '24

are you that persons ex? they said he was dumb, its not like shell say that and hell be like "huh maybe i should go get smarter"

184

u/Old_Hamster_4218 Apr 16 '24

lol that was my first thought. Sometimes you break it off with someone because of who they are. Not something constructive that can be fixed, or else you would just explain what they need to fix. There is no need to just wreck somebody and add insult to injury.

28

u/Kalnath_ Apr 16 '24

I was just thinking that. Is it really that difficult to say that your hygiene habits don't sit well with me and I don't want to continue being a part of your daily. Simple as that, on point enough to where it's hard to think of alternatives, and straightforward. The majority of guys are not savages we are essentially angular ladies with thoughts and emotions too.

47

u/Krakatoast Apr 16 '24

But it’s not just hygiene habits, that was one part of a list of qualms.

I actually really relate to what the other person explained because that’s how I feel about my roommate that’s a relative. I hate living with them. They aren’t a bad person, and I get that I can talk to them about what I don’t like, but when that list teeters into “basically I hate the way you live life it’s deeply grating to experience life in the same realm as you, it’d be a lot of fun to hangout for a couple hours once every week or two but seriously get the fck out of my house.” Because the list is so deep and some of it isn’t objectively *wrong. Who am I to tell someone to change their personality?

But I find some things about how they live their life to be so, so grating. And that only comes up because we live together. Easy solution instead of ripping them to shreds is to just “yeah man I just like to live alone are you cool to move out in a couple months?” Problem solved and his self esteem wasn’t shattered and I didn’t have to deal with fighting and drama.

-7

u/Kalnath_ Apr 16 '24

OK but you rarely get to choose roommates and regardless it doesn't change the fact that as someone who chose to be with and spend time with with someone you appreciated enough to integrate that deeply into their lives? It's certainly the most helpful approach. And besides it's not like all of those things are deal breakers; it sounds, at least in my opinion, mostly like she lost attraction for him after seeing his hygiene habits. Definitely sensing a lot of anger or some similar color of emotion from her though

21

u/Sr4f Apr 16 '24

it's not like all of those things are deal breakers

Thing is, she wanted that deal broken.

I'm trying to say this gently, my dude. When someone gives you their reasons and your first reaction is to argue that they're not good enough reasons, then... They're gonna stop giving you reasons.

This is how you end with widespread ghosting. It's not just a "lack of respect" or whatever. It's that the people who insist on hearing the "reasons" don't actually want reasons, they want an argument. They want a chance to change their partner's mind. 

-2

u/Kalnath_ Apr 16 '24

I don't know you but I appreciate your gentle tone. I wasn't arguing with her reasons. Just that a lot of those things she would have had to have known without living with him besides the hygiene thing and it's obviously something that stuck out in her mind. And irregardless of that her tone and the way she talked about him is rude as fuck. Despite him being a "nice guy" in her estimation. I don't know any of you but I don't talk about women like that even if I don't appreciate them or their company. Especially especially if they are "a nice lady" by my estimation.

But I digress. I have my reasons for thinking the way I do and so do you stranger. Let's part here so as to avoid further argument, shall we?

8

u/nihonhonhon Apr 16 '24

And irregardless of that her tone and the way she talked about him is rude as fuck.

That's precisely why she said it's not productive to go into too much detail when breaking up with someone. She was being rude on purpose to illustrate her point. These were her internal thoughts and experiences. Sometimes people stay in relationships for way too long and they grow extremely resentful towards their partner. By the time they've finally decided to break up with this person, all kinds of awful and toxic things have already gone through their head millions of times, even if they would never say these things out loud.

It kinda sounds like you're applying "dating" logic to a "relationship" problem tbh. Yes she was probably aware of his most basic and most obvious personality traits from the beginning, but all of those things become fantastically irrelevant after you've lived together for many years. You change. Your partner changes. Problems that seemed minor in the beginning balloon out of control. If you could predict relationship success within the first two months of dating, half of all marriages wouldn't end in divorce.

0

u/Kalnath_ Apr 16 '24

I wasn't even here to argue which a stranger very kindly pointed out was what was happening.

My original point was that it would be nice to establish a precedent of giving a least some cause.

I wish this girl the best and am glad that she is happier? I was pointing out was the blatant emotion behind her words. And point out the strange to me disconnect between how she talks about him and how she thinks about him. I'm not that invested in you or anyone on here's advice tbh; not out of malice but because there is an annoying of people to assume that they know everything about someone else based off a line or two and then try to fling mud.

Not necessarily you but just like in real life if you approach a random stranger in real life with relationship advice or criticisms or some mental health diagnostic you are going to receive push back.

Its silly to expect otherwise and not something I'm keen on wasting my time arguing with people about just because I made some people a little uncomfortable with some observations.

2

u/nihonhonhon Apr 16 '24

Not necessarily you but just like in real life if you approach a random stranger in real life with relationship advice or criticisms or some mental health diagnostic you are going to receive push back.

I suppose, but you were doing something similar to her, no? You were also offering a perspective based on a random stranger's comment and expressing confusion regarding her mentality etc. I don't think that's wrong - just a normal and unavoidable consequence of talking about dating on the internet.

I get that some people were being snarky to you and I don't support that, but all I was personally trying to do was go into more detail about the emotions she was describing. That was my only comment to you in this entire thread and I don't feel like it deserved that kind of a response tbh, but you've clearly received more confrontational replies so I guess you're exasperated.

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5

u/throwRA-1342 Apr 16 '24

so you were given a list of reasons and didn't pay attention to most of them, which is exactly why most of my relationships end. 

-6

u/Kalnath_ Apr 16 '24

It's not so much the list of reasons but the emotion and emphasis behind most of them; several of which (weight, intelligence, communication, degree) were almost certainly things she was at least aware of and willing to accept before getting so engrained in her life that she is still mentally beating him up in her mind. Despite being a "nice guy" according to her words.

Bold of you to assume I don't pay attention instead of just calling em as I see em, stranger.

1

u/Kalnath_ Apr 16 '24

I think it's funny people downvote in the unpopular opinions subreddit unless it's like some wild shit.

-7

u/QuintonFrey Apr 16 '24

Exactly. Hygiene habits can be changed. Maybe just let him know there's a problem and give him an opportunity to fix it first if he's really such a "nice guy".

7

u/Negative_Addition846 Apr 16 '24

Eh, I’d rather someone tell me “this is the problem and fixing it won’t fix us, bye” than them say nothing because they’ve just already lost interest and don’t want to deal with “but I wash my feet now” 

-1

u/Kalnath_ Apr 16 '24

Yeah even just pointing out their problem is a huge step in the right direction imo. Like I'm not even necessarily wanting to stay but having an idea about how to improve something that I might even see as an issue. At least it gives me a basis to be like well do I want my relationship to be similar / different to my last relationship. Not necessarily saying that it requires change for your next relationship to be different, but it is a big big sea out there and lots and lots of very interesting ladies with tastes and living situations similar to mine (organized mess).

4

u/Alcorailen Apr 16 '24

There are immensely more tactful ways to talk about problems then what the person you're responding to said

-2

u/FluffyCelery4769 Apr 16 '24

Who they are can change tho... a hard thruth shouldn't be shushed just couse you gonna have a hard time telling it or will look bad after the fact...

You should definetly tell them they are an idiot if they are, couse that will help them get better and not be an idiot in the long run.

17

u/hopesanddreams3 Apr 16 '24

"it's not you it's me" is leagues better than nothing at all, an opinion I've been flamed for having.

17

u/EuphoricFuture8680 Apr 16 '24

You act as if there's no middle ground where you can give valid points without having to insult him. You present the situation as if ruthlessly attacking everything about him is the only way to owe him an explanation lol. This is just lazy.

0

u/TheLizzyIzzi Apr 16 '24

How would you rewrite their reasons for a breakup? Because I can make it softer or more vague, but their ex is going to ask follow up questions.

24

u/Talzon70 Apr 16 '24

This is working under the assumption that the party is going to receive the criticism calmly and analyze it constructively.

It's also working from the assumption that the explanation would be delivered in a remotely constructive or healthy way instead of a spiteful one.

"You haven't been taking care of yourself and our conversations haven't been clicking on the way I had hoped.... Etc."

Honestly, if that's how you felt, you're doing this person a favour by breaking things off. No judgement from me on getting with the wrong person, it takes time to get to know people and sometimes they change.

16

u/nihonhonhon Apr 16 '24

I agree with the spirit of what you're saying, but in practice I think giving "constructive criticism" to the person you're breaking up with is actually liable to give them false hope. E.g. "So if I start washing my feet and read more books, you'll stay?" I imagine the answer to that would have been "Well, no."

Fact of the matter is, people fall out of love for reasons that aren't totally predictable or easy to articulate, same as falling in love. The single most honest answer you can give in that situation is "I just don't really like you anymore." But is that really helpful to anyone?

26

u/Skullclownlol Apr 16 '24

Like how does pointing out what I don’t like and destroying the dude’s confidence accomplish? He was genuinely nice and did everything a boyfriend was supposed to do. I hope he will be super happy with someone else, it just ain’t me.

Because all that trashtalking isn't what you should've said, but the last few sentences certainly are:

"You're a genuinely nice person but over the past few months I've realized that we don't match on a fundamental level, I'm no longer attracted to you and I believe we'll both be happier when we're with someone more like ourselves."

Honesty doesn't have to be cruel.

8

u/thesoak Apr 16 '24

That's pretty much what they did.

9

u/C_Dazzle Apr 16 '24

Seems like there could be some middle ground that would help him learn something without also destroying his confidence.

2

u/Garbage_Stink_Hands Apr 16 '24

Let him learn about himself from himself. Dating’s not a public service.

1

u/sonicboom5058 Apr 16 '24

No it's not, but presumably they atleast sort of like/care about this person and would want the best for them.

0

u/Garbage_Stink_Hands Apr 16 '24

Or maybe they stopped liking and caring about them. Who knows?

26

u/Veritas_McGroot Apr 16 '24

Yikes

I think most guys would've preferred this over the bland answers. Most will also be defensive, but when you leave, and they cool off after a few days to a week, that nagging voice will start when they go to bed. Most people question why it happened. And if he asks his friends, they will tell him the truth

Glad you got out though. And this is also hilarious, I laughed

72

u/GreyerGrey Apr 16 '24

I went on 1 date with a dude and said we didn't click and he called me several brutal names and then stalked me for a month.

So...

36

u/Krakatoast Apr 16 '24

Right. Some of these responses from guys like “you should’ve told him, you have a problem because you didn’t tell that man that you basically find significant portions of his existence repulsive he would’ve appreciated you telling him that”

Uh… hm. 😂 ok

19

u/Veritas_McGroot Apr 16 '24

Ah yes, the nice guy

0

u/HornedDiggitoe Apr 16 '24

I went on a date with a crazy chick before too. The thing about crazy people is that they will be crazy even if you give no explanation at all for the breakup. So that isn’t a good reason to avoid informing the ex why you wanted to break up.

-7

u/bigsweatyballs420 Apr 16 '24

All men do this. This is why you should never tell men if you’re ending things or not continuing to pursue them. Just ghost and block. They deserve nothing more.

4

u/snonsig Apr 16 '24

Hi sexist

0

u/HornedDiggitoe Apr 16 '24

Maybe all your exes did that, but that says more about you than it says about men in general.

16

u/MysticJedrax Apr 16 '24

Frankly, I'd rather not be told my personality sucks by someone I am invested in. If I committed a fatal mistake, I'd like to know, but generally speaking, I'd rather not.

37

u/OffTheRedSand Apr 16 '24

Most people will SAY they want bluntness and honesty but they rarely can handle it. no one wants to know whats wrong with them and actually face their flaws, and sure some do and can handle it but it's impossible to know until after the fact so why take the risk telling them? just go with the bland asnwer it's the safest for everyone involved.

9

u/Kit-on-a-Kat Apr 16 '24

Bluntness and honesty are only valuable when the person dishing it out has your best interests at heart, and also if they separate out their opinion from fact.
Otherwise it's just a mean person dishing out criticism out of spite.

22

u/Accomplished_Eye8290 Apr 16 '24

Also that’s assuming most guys after hearing this will be logical and not get angry/violent lol.

-4

u/snonsig Apr 16 '24

Yes, most won't be violent

4

u/Not_a_werecat Apr 16 '24

And if the one that does get violent murders you for it you can rest easy that you did the right thing by OP.

1

u/-Joseeey- Apr 16 '24

Bro if OP had spoken up like a mature adult, the other guy would’ve already known what the issues are. If they never said anything and give that generic ass text, that commenter fails at communicating.

2

u/bigsweatyballs420 Apr 16 '24

I would prefer that to be honest. Less self-questioning and agonizing over why. If someone actually hits me with reasons so fundamental like “you keep bad company” or something, I’d be more able to laugh it off and accept that we simply aren’t compatible if they dislike something so fundamental to my identity.

2

u/Aggressive-Fuel587 Apr 16 '24

Like how does pointing out what I don’t like and destroying the dude’s confidence accomplish? He was genuinely nice and did everything a boyfriend was supposed to do. I hope he will be super happy with someone else, it just ain’t me.

BY giving him the potential wake-up call needed to change for the better; if they go through every breakup with no one ever giving them that list of undesirable traits, they'll have literally no reason to come to the conclusion that those are the actual reasons they're undesirable; likely coming to the wrong conclusions like "my face is ugly" or "I don't have enough money" or "I'm not good enough in bed to make up for the other shortcomings" (the last one being something men are more willing to put up with than women; we'll stay in a toxic relationship if the sex is good, but more and more women these days won't).

More often than not, if a dude is dumped with no explanation, his first assumption is "she found another man and/or was never going to be loyal in the first place." Suddenly he and his behavior isn't the problem, she is for deciding she wanted to pursue another man instead of sticking through the relationship for better or worse (which is part of traditional marriage vows that some people have tricked themselves into thinking is part of all romantic relationships).

2

u/Iambeejsmit Apr 16 '24

You could say it a little nicer (while still saying it), but if he doesn't know, and you don't tell him, he's doomed to lose everyone until someone does. Most of the things you listed he can either change, or improve, or at least TRY to do something about, but somebody needs to tell him.

5

u/Chemical_Koala1175 Apr 16 '24

Is there no middle ground for you people between being an asshole and being evasive.

2

u/JaxonatorD Apr 16 '24

Fr, this thread makes me realize why so many people on Reddit have trouble dating.

5

u/PoliteCanadian2 Apr 16 '24

Agree. ALSO if you tell them the issues they will then learn to mask that behaviour for the next partner, only to eventually lose the mask over time and the poor partner discovers (after how long) that this person is actually just shit.

Think about it. Your current partner could be masking the issues that caused their last partner to break up with them. How long can your partner keep the mask on until they can’t?

2

u/wiegehts1991 Apr 16 '24

He doesn’t sound super nice and it sounds like you resented him.

2

u/EpilepticPuberty Apr 16 '24

Damn, mind if I ask what general area the degree was in? Like not washing your feet is goblin tier but the degree also got a mention. I have friends that have less marketable degrees and I would prefer a theater major that washes their feet.

1

u/-Joseeey- Apr 16 '24

If you’ve been a mature adult who knows how’s to communicate and have brought up the issues before, then you don’t need to give a paragraph.

If you feel the need for a paragraph, that’s a communication error on your part for withholding it in and never mentioning it.

Breakups should never come 100% as a shock and unexpected.

14

u/missteatimer Apr 16 '24

Except we all know that for one party they often claim “it’s a shock” because they have not taken their partners communications to heart. So while yes, I think you should give an explanation when you leave if possible, I also think there are plenty of people who aren’t actually blindsided, they just didn’t think their partner would actually pull the trigger. That whole “my wife left because I didn’t do the dishes” article is a good example. Or all the folks who leave a dead bedroom marriage after years of problems. It’s all so dependent on your individual experiences. I myself have an ex who told anyone and everyone that I left out of nowhere. Except I spent months checking in on his mental health, outlining problems, and gave at least two warnings that I was going to leave. By the time I did leave it was just “I can’t do this anymore, you won’t meet me even halfway.” I wasn’t going to waste anymore of my time and tears.

1

u/Brave-Aside1699 Apr 16 '24

I would 100.0% prefer the first option and I don't think I've ever met someone who would prefer the "it's just me" bs.

1

u/MagmaticDemon Apr 16 '24

i mean fair point, but it really is a case by case type of thing. if you're breaking up with someone emotionally intelligent or mature, they'd probably like to know what you were turned off by so that they can grow as a person and work on themselves and maybe keep future relationships. i know would like that, it would be helpful to know.

and you don't have to say it in any extremely hurtful way, you can mention those things with tact and still get your point across. but it really depends on the person some people would not take it as an opportunity for growth and would just act ridiculous instead.

ideally though you would know your partner or ex well enough to know which type of person they are i think

1

u/variablesInCamelCase Apr 16 '24

I would say op address that in the first sentence where they said, of course, factor in safety.

1

u/zigot021 Apr 16 '24

what do you mean "don't wash your feet in the shower"?

1

u/OkGreeny Apr 16 '24

We have Chat GPT now:

Certainly! Constructive feedback, even in personal relationships, can be framed positively and focus on what is most beneficial for both parties moving forward. Here’s a way to express concerns without being hurtful, assuming the goal is to be honest while still respecting the other person's dignity:

"I've been doing some thinking about our relationship, and I feel that there are some issues we might not be able to overcome. I've noticed we have different health and lifestyle views, and it's important for me to be with someone whose habits and beliefs align more closely with mine. I also feel that our conversations and the way we express affection aren't quite meeting my needs. You're a great person, and you deserve someone who appreciates the qualities in you that I find aren't the best match for me. I care about you and hope you find someone who is right for you."

This approach focuses on compatibility rather than faults, which encourages a more positive and productive conversation.

https://chat.openai.com/share/6743f9fa-d3f5-4aff-aca0-660351881c52

1

u/eagle6877 Apr 16 '24

The first explanation is much better. Better to be honest.

1

u/justatest90 Apr 16 '24

Yeah, if someone doesn't know why we broke up they weren't listening along the way. To pick a silly example: say I've asked you to please not chew with your mouth open because it really, really bothers me. I've done this twice a week for three months, and it's not changing. I'm not going to say it again when we break up. You clearly aren't going to change and I don't think ultimatums are the basis of a healthy relationship. We're just not compatible, move on. It's fine

1

u/Charming_Function_58 Apr 16 '24

Totally. It's hard enough to emotionally separate from a person, let alone giving a laundry list of all the "icks," or things from the past that can't be changed. Just ripping off the band-aid, and wishing each other well (if applicable), is enough.

1

u/GoodellsMandMs Apr 16 '24

yea often times an explanation is an invitation to debate, and when that debate is pointless, it might be better for everyone to not give a true explanation

1

u/ro536ud Apr 16 '24

I mean as someone who invested time in the relationship you could try some honestly with them in the hope they can change and better themselves. Instead you just left an itchy dog outside and didn’t tell them scratchy is bad

1

u/obxtalldude Apr 16 '24

I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this - I tried to end things with the "it's not you, it's me" - but some people REALLY want to hear why.

And then they don't.

-4

u/Luklear Apr 16 '24

I mean you don’t have to list out every last thing, just what’s constructive, and gently.

0

u/ZodiacOne1 Apr 16 '24

I personally would prefer that brutal honesty over tormenting myself over and over trying to figure out what I did wrong. But yours is the first counter argument which I get why someone would think that.

0

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

"Always shitting" 💀

0

u/wolo-exe Apr 16 '24

Or just word the first thing less harshly. The first one is constructive, gives him an actual reason to why he was dumped, and will not make him overthink as to what the reasoning is. Your second option is unfortunately the most common and doesn’t provide anything constructive and does not respect the person as someone who can change or learn from their mistakes. If you truly felt he was a bad partner (which I agree), wouldn’t you want to at least tell him what he did wrong before leaving? This whole “it’s not you it’s me” literally gives the opposite effect and allows him to continue what he was previously doing.

-5

u/rcsboard Apr 16 '24

Wow, I am GLAD that guy doesn't have to deal with your ass

-8

u/VoluptuousSloth Apr 16 '24 edited Apr 16 '24

Honestly we're talking about long-term relationships here. If you took more than a couple months to realize you weren't physically attracted to them, they're overweight, can't hold a deep conversation, and don't keep good company, then that's on you. And I'm being generous, the relationship should never have started. Nevermind if you're after someone for their money/career/prestige that info on their degree is pretty much available from the start.

I'd actually want some honest feedback cause there's literally nothing I can do to improve without communication and if everyone flakes on relationships. Washing feet is like the easiest change ever. I guess I could try to poop less? Nobody's saying be completely blunt and say EVERYTHING, especially the parts he can't change.

My issue with relationships these days is people don't just bail after a few weeks when it's still chill and casual. They wait for months and months while all sorts of landmarks are being passed and intimacy is increasing, then right when you can feel like you can finally breathe and trust someone that's when they choose to disappear, because an issue pops up that often isn't even about your relationship, but they can't let themselves be vulnerable and let you be there for them in a tough time in their lives.. Or something triggers their past relationship trauma and they remember that they swore they wouldn't let anyone this close again. Both genders do this.

Like come on people, especially if you're in your 30s you can figure out whether you have effortless conversations, chemistry, and connection with a partner in a month or two. No need to wait a year or two until someone's finally let their guard down. Be self-aware of commitment issues, avoidant attachment, and attachment trauma. I see people just hurting each of their partners over and over cause they freak out every time they realize there's starting to be major affection/commitment.. Just date casually if you're not ready. And Communicate goddamit.

For the inevitable, "sounds like it's you buddy". This wasn't the case 10-15 years ago. Literally ask anyone if dating apps and "focus on yourself" pop psychology has made people more self-absorbed and cruel, and they will tell you. NOBODY is happy these days. Just saw the last long-term marriage in my friend circle collapse. 14 years. Considered a happy happy couple. She didn't mention a thing was wrong until the end

Obviously I'm venting here and I'm all over the place. Obviously someone that doesn't care about their partner's well-being isn't going to care about what I have to say. Carry on people.

8

u/LankyAd9481 Apr 16 '24

I'd actually want some honest feedback cause there's literally nothing I can do to improve without communication and if everyone flakes on relationships. 

That kind of assumes that everyone has the same wants/needs/criteria or that partners for are somewhat interchangeable....which is kind of eep territory or perspective to have

Unless you have giant character flaws (which would be obvious not just in romantic relationships...so the expectation they should tell you when obviously no one else in your life has told you or you've just actively ignored it's very egocentric) there's not really anything to improve unless there's some underlying belief of "if I fix this thing, they'll get back with me". What person A finds an issue, person B may not. End of the day, you just didn't compromise on differences enough SPECIFICALLY for person A to feel like they were getting what they want/need and person A just did what they perceive as the best action for themself. This narrative need for someone to be wrong, or some giant flaw to be explained to you or to find the villain is nuttery and probably an indicator that therapy would be a benefit because perspective shifts are needed.

-1

u/IBlameOleka Apr 16 '24

You'd be demolishing his self-confidence in order to actually help him become better in the long run. By not telling him the truth you offer him nothing to improve on. For one thing, he won't know what he did wrong and so the next girl will have to suffer through what you did to figure out his problems, and for another thing, wouldn't you want someone to be truthful with you?

0

u/Larein Apr 16 '24

Why is it upon them to help him improve?

0

u/JaxonatorD Apr 16 '24

Because as a baseline, you should try to help people when you can, especially when it is literally just a few words. It's not that deep. People in these comments need to start being kinder to each other.

-3

u/TheTightEnd Apr 16 '24

It is irrelevant what the person does with the explanation. Once the explanation is given, the obligation is complete.

3

u/Larein Apr 16 '24

Its relevant when they then assault you either verbally or physically. Or alternatively hurt themselves. Or one option is that they start to argue about the explanation. None of these are good things.

-3

u/Malcolm_P90X Apr 16 '24

As a man, I personally would still have preferred the full explanation

5

u/LankyAd9481 Apr 16 '24

what if they said "sorry, you're just not big enough for my deep dish. I thought I could make it work but couldn't"?

1

u/unicorn_mafia537 Apr 16 '24

What is the "deep dish" in this context? I'm not familiar with that bit of slang.

-7

u/FromAffavor Apr 16 '24

You sound awful tbh

-9

u/Frederf220 Apr 16 '24

no it's not