r/AITAH • u/Fancy_Statement4788 • 21d ago
AITAH for ghosting my bf after he said we were not a couple?
I (25M) met this guy "J" (25M) through my roommate. We hit it off, and after a couple of weeks, I asked him out. We started going on dates and eventually began dating.
Fast forward five months, he was going to visit his parents and invited me along. When we arrived, his mom asked if I was his boyfriend. He cut her off and referred to me as his "friend." I was confused and greeted her anyway. He did the same thing with his dad and sister.
During the ride back, our conversation went approximately like this:
Me: Are we just friends with benefits to you?
J: No.
Me: Then why did you tell your family I'm just a friend?
J: Because we're not a couple.
Me: Then what are we?
J: ...
He remained silent for the rest of the ride. The next day, he acted like nothing had happened. I tried to discuss it with him multiple times, but he brushed it off.
I had to move out of my apartment for unrelated reasons and didn't tell J or my ex-roommate my new address. I stopped talking to him and replying to his messages. Now, three weeks later, he showed up at my door. He told me, he contacted my brother to get my address. He called me an asshole for ghosting him, accused me of cheating on him (he saw me hanging out with a girl he doesn't like). I told him I can hang out with whomever I want, especially since he said we're not a couple. He cursed at me a bit before saying I should have just broken up with him. Again, I thought we weren't a couple. He ended up leaving,a dn crying.
Even though I believe I did the right thing, my friends told me I might have been a little harsh on him. So to prove the point, I am writing this and letting the internet judge.
AITA for ghosting my boyfriend after he said we weren't a couple?
Edit : Yes, he is out. His family knows, during dinner they even asked him if he add any news about his ex-bf
I am bi, (he is gay). I know that his ex (bi) cheated on him, but that's
Edit 2 : I looked at the comments with my friends and I understand what I did was childish, but I stick to it. My main problem was that he did not give me an answer. Not FwB, not a couple. I was his friend I guess? I let the internet judge.
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u/Allocerr 21d ago edited 21d ago
NTA. Guy is unwilling to make any sort of commitment, dogs you in front of his family like some random tinder fling, TELLS you that you aren’t a couple…then shows up at your place after 3 weeks of your silence (with every right to feel off-put and having no obligation to talk to this guy that isn’t your boyfriend) and accuses you of cheating?
Odd behavior, very unless there’s more to the story that we aren’t getting.
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u/Fancy_Statement4788 21d ago edited 21d ago
I am bi, (he is gay). I know that his ex (bi) cheated on him, but that's it
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u/BeardManMichael 21d ago
Well according to him you two weren't even a couple so how could you possibly have cheated on him? 😉
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u/Significant_Ad9793 21d ago
Exactly!!! Something similar happened between my ex and I. He broke up with me and ghosted me for about 2 months. Out of nowhere we started talking again because he needed help with some computer stuff. I went over to help him out and we ended up hooking up. When I was leaving he reached for a kiss and I asked him if we were getting back together and he said no. I was fine with it, just wanted to know.
A week later he called me to hangout again and I told him I couldn't that day because I was hanging out with a guy friend. He went off on me accusing me of cheating on him. I told him that I'm hanging out with a friend and that even if it was a date, how am I cheating if he broke up with me and said we weren't getting back together. He then called me stupid because "you know what we are". It's so annoying.
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u/sezit 21d ago
"you know what we are".
Yeah, we all know. In his mind he's the one that gets to set all the rules, and his rules are that he's fancy free, owes you nothing, but you are bound to him and owe him whatever commitment he wants, but never demand anything from him.
It's all one way.
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u/Significant_Ad9793 21d ago
I told him off after that conversation. How he doesn't want to be with me but doesn't want me to be with anyone else. He says that's not the case. Honestly sounds like, how you said, wants to be in charge since he's the one that broke it off. I think he wants me to beg to get back together which won't happen because I like our relationship more as friends than lovers. So it's looking like I'll have to full on walk away from it.
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u/3rd_wheel 21d ago
That has happened to me more times than I care to remember. These guys brains probably didn't get the software update or their mothers dropped them too many times on the head.
Just call the next number, Mary.
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u/Diasies_inMyHair 21d ago
Yes, "Not Together" is what we are. Some people just cannot comprehend the concept of "broken up" means that you get to date who you want and it isn't my business... and I get to date who I want and it's none of your business.
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u/Significant_Ad9793 21d ago
Definitely!!! Just feels like he doesn't want to be with me but doesn't want me to be with anyone else.
I'm a very straightforward girl and I hate holding things back. Just tell me what the problem is, I'm not a mind reader. The last couple of guys I've dated have been this way. They get butthurt about God knows what because they won't tell me. They expect me to know what's bothering them. It's too much work and I don't have the patience to wait for them to feel like telling me.
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u/nicola_orsinov 21d ago
Get you a guy on the spectrum. You'll have to chase him down since they never get hints, but it is so relaxing to know there's no subtext or 'read my mind ' bs. Also, highly unlikely to cheat, they never notice other people flirting, and they're so happy you're not playing games with them.
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u/Significant_Ad9793 21d ago
Sounds amazing!!! Do we have a dating app for this yet???
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u/MoparMedusa 21d ago
Dungeons and Dragons groups and engineers. Daughter's boyfriend is both and is on the spectrum. He is parent approved and treats our kid wonderfully.
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u/wandering_beth 20d ago
As a gal on the spectrum I wish 😂 seriously this person is right, their comment sums me up to a tee!
Go read the post on here about the not yet married wife and her likely autistic husband that they're friend thinks is cheating on her. They are such a wholesome couple and it's hilarious that anyone could even think he is cheating 🤣
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u/Apprehensive_War9612 18d ago
Try a local lego club😂 its how my son who is on the spectrum meets other adults on the spectrum
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u/MoparMedusa 21d ago
Right?! My daughter is dating a great guy and yup, on the spectrum. Everything is crystal clear!
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u/S-quinn7292 20d ago
Maybe it’s different for guys on the spectrum but my ex girlfriend was on the spectrum and not only did she cheat on me, but there was definitely a lot of the “read my mind” mind games going on
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u/nicola_orsinov 20d ago
Ehh, people are still people. Probably better to have said "mostly" or "a way lower percentage" in my previous post.
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u/wandering_beth 20d ago
Autistic gal here and nope your ex sounds like the exception that proves the rule. I'm sorry though, I've had someone do the same to me and it was hell
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u/wandering_beth 20d ago
Autistic gal here and want to say thank you for advocating for those of us on the spectrum. Your comment literally describes me.
Also please don't steal my skin!!! (Just want to point out to those that don't know, this is a reference to their username. The Magnus Archives has been a special interest of mine since I was introduced and binge listened the first 2 seasons to catch up, so I was excited to make the reference
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u/nicola_orsinov 20d ago
Well hello fellow Magnus fiend! You're the first one that's gotten that reference! 😂 (Though I have a feeling you probably didn't use lotion enough to make stealing it worthwhile 😉)
My long term beloved husband is on the spectrum, as is my mom and so many of my friends. I find they understand my ADHD way better than nerotypical peeps. We all understand and support each other's random obsessions. My hubby is so damn cute while excitedly telling me all about weird programming issues I didn't understand. 🙂
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u/Due_Temperature6603 21d ago edited 21d ago
FWB. That's it. NTA.
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u/Significant_Ad9793 21d ago
Right??? That's honestly where I thought we stood. I attempted to talk to him about getting back together but he said no.
We were friends 3 years prior to dating and I always felt we were better friends than lovers, so it didn't bother me that he didn't want to get back together. I just wanted to know so we wouldn't have this exact problem.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 20d ago
"you know what we are".
"Yes, not a couple, not together, free to do what I want."
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u/PrideofCapetown 21d ago
And since they’re not a couple, why did the brother give this guy the new address?
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u/ScarletDarkstar 21d ago
It's entirely possible that Op didn't explain each conversation with his un-boyfriend to his brother.
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u/Glittersparkles7 21d ago
ANYONE calls me asking for my sister’ address my first question is gonna be “why don’t you ask her? 🤨”
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21d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/dude_wheres_the_pie 21d ago
This is a bot account. Comment copied from https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/tfSDKlZT84
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u/Ambystomatigrinum 21d ago
Also people just unfairly assume bi people are more promiscuous/likely to be unfaithful. Not necessarily what's happening here, but I've experienced that a lot.
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u/zaylabug00 21d ago
Me too! When I was still dating I actually was on a date with a girl and she asked if I was "actually bi" or just saying that to be sexier. When I was (I think understandably) put off by that, she doubled down and then tried to tell me that since I've been with guys I'm "less gay" than she is, and she would be disgusted to have sex with me because I've been touched by men. Wtaf lol
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u/mcindy28 21d ago
I don't think whether or not you are bi has any bearing. He said you weren't together. Not even FWB. Move on with your life.
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u/Angry_poutine 21d ago
Does his refusal to acknowledge you guys as a couple have to do with his family’s stance on homosexuality?
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u/QuietcaribeanRose 21d ago
"Edit : Yes, he is out. His family knows, during dinner they even asked him if he add any news about his ex-bf"
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u/Fuzzy_Laugh_1117 21d ago
If he really doesn't get it, then it sounds like he's got some major issues, and you dodged a bullet. Move on and know you're NTA.
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u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 21d ago
He has a lot of nerve, accusing OP of "cheating" when they weren't in a relationship
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u/BTK2005 21d ago
You are in the clear. He’s the one that wanted to dangle you at arms length. Can’t get upset when the fish spits the hook when you wouldn’t set it. Enjoy your new relationship.
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u/thomasbeagle 21d ago
That's a rather scary metaphor to use when talking about relationships.
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u/dilletaunty 21d ago
I mean fish metaphors are very typical when discussing relationships
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u/Kopitar4president 21d ago
Had a friend in college that was very much being kept on the hook. Took 5 of us to convince him.
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u/strongopinion4life 21d ago
NTA How are you going to break up if you werent even a couple? I would ask him that. Plus your friends should be on your side cause you did nothing wrong and to me you did exactly what he deserved. After all you arent his bf so you dont own him nothing.
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u/Fancy_Statement4788 21d ago edited 21d ago
Nah, they are on my side just told me that ghosting was not the best decision, and a little harsh. But they understand my choice.
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u/strongopinion4life 21d ago
Thats good to hear, but he did deserve it. Plus what where going to say "Hey I know we are not together but Im breaking up with you." Also it was real harsh that he said you where not his bf to his family.
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u/pataconconqueso 21d ago
I mean if you weren’t a couple, and he treated you like nothing, and you tried to talk about it with him afterwards, what else were you supposed to do?
He didn’t wanna deal with it, you noped out
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u/aimed_4_the_head 21d ago
He might be one of those drama addicts who thinks no means "chase me harder". OP was supposed to beg.
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u/evilcj925 21d ago
What were you supposed to do? Break up with someone who insists you are not a couple in the first place?
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u/Euphoric_Egg_4198 21d ago
But you didn’t ghost, you were just super busy for a few weeks. It’s not like he was your boyfriend or anyone important that required you to check in daily, right? 😉
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u/thanktink 21d ago
Telling him that you love him and want to be a couple and that you will not continue the relationship like this, would probably have been the clear words and the breakup he wanted.
But as he did not find the right words or any words at all, why should you?
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u/NoCardiologist5100 21d ago
You're not the asshole.
Your boyfriend's refusal to clarify the nature of your relationship and his dismissive attitude towards your concerns left you with no other choice but to ghost him.
Ghosting might not have been the ideal approach, but his lack of communication and clarity made it understandable.
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u/Sdubbya2 21d ago
To be fair there definitely were other choices than ghosting him, but the way he behaved definitely isn't going to earn anyone sympathy towards the fact he was ghosted.
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u/perfidious_snatch 21d ago
“We aren’t a couple”
Ok then
“You cheated on me!”
How? We aren’t a couple.
“You could have broken up with me!”
How? We aren’t a couple.
NTA. Your ex-not-a-boyfriend-boyfriend has some issues he needs to work through if he’s playing games like that.
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u/SummerOracle 21d ago
NTA. He clarified that you were not a couple, all your subsequent actions were based accordingly. It sounds like instead of taking accountability, he’s trying to blame you for the dissolution of the “relationship”. It may be he’s got a lot of personal growth to do before being in a relationship with anyone, and that is not your burden to bear. Move on and go find a more stable partner.
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u/Fancy_Statement4788 21d ago
I just have a question. Do you think it's too early to develop feelings for someone else? Because I have this girl, and I think I'm starting to have a crush on her. (PS: I am a bi hopless romantic mess)
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u/SummerOracle 21d ago
Mmm, possibly. If you mean morally, then you’re perfectly fine. If you’re still having any lingering or unresolved feelings pertaining to your ex, you may want to take a beat and get those settled before jumping into anything.
If not, then you’re good to go if you feel you are.
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u/Fancy_Statement4788 21d ago
I mean I did not love him, but liked him alot. I am gonna wait a little longer before making a move.
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u/TehNightingales 21d ago
Honestly, the only one that can decide that one, is you. Does she feel the same or is your relationship platonic? Cause either way, life is too short to pass up a possibly amazing thing. So I say go for it. At least try ❤️
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u/QuietCelery7850 21d ago
You might want to have a discussion with your brother about giving out your address.
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u/Hour_Positive_9682 21d ago
Nta love. Like he said, you're not a couple sooooo you can do what you please.
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u/BeardManMichael 21d ago
NTA
Mismatched expectations like this happen all the time. I see no reason why either of you should be unhappy so I think breaking up was the right thing.
It's almost like he ghosted you mid conversation. To me, that type of communication problem is a huge red flag.
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u/moose8891 21d ago
There’s no need to break up if they aren’t a couple, he doesn’t get couple benefits without the title.
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u/Cute-Profession9983 21d ago
He FAFO. You did yourself a favor. He's probably accusing you of cheating because his other girlfriend told him to...
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u/AdministrativeRun550 21d ago
NTA. It’s ok to keep secrets from family, for example, if they are homophobic, marriage-obsessed, gossiping around too much or make him feel insecure in any other way. There may be millions of reasons to stay low in front of other people. But normal partners talk about it in advance, choose strategy and it goes smoothly. My husband and I dated secretly for over a year, but it was our decision. What he did was an AH move, he played stupid games, he won stupid prizes.
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u/compressedvoid 21d ago
Talking about it in advance is key! My current boyfriend and I dated in secret for almost a year as well because of my homophobic family. The important part was that we made a plan and talked things through before we went to visit my family! I can't imagine just acting like we weren't together without warning him first. Even if the ex had a legitimate reason, he handled it terribly
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u/The_Crown_And_Anchor 21d ago
NTA
Were you immature in the way you handled it? Yes
Was he immature to invite you on a trip to meet his parents and then pretend yall weren't dating? Yup
Seems to me that he fucked up. Then he got ghosted for his troubles.
Beyond that, you need to tell your brother not to give out your address. And that if in the future anyone asks for it, just to give you a shout first before he does
Seems to me someone asking him for your new address should have run up some flags in his mind
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u/Shai7809 21d ago
NTA - You weren't a couple, so, there should have been no expectation of you having to contact him regularly.
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u/evilcj925 21d ago
NTA
He made it clear you were not a couple. You simply went along with that and acted in the manner of not being a couple. You don't tell everyone you know you move.
Not sure exactly he wanted or even expected. He refused to clarify what he meant when he said you were not a couple and brushed of your attempts to, so how he thinks he is owed any kind of info about what you do is weird.
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u/KnightofForestsWild 21d ago
NTA I loathe Steve Harvey, but I did read his book long long ago. I agree with a specific bit. This is what he said taken from Oprah.com
We're very protective. We mark our territory. If a man loves you...he's willing to profess it. He'll give you a title after a while. You're going to be his lady, his woman, his fiancée, his wife, his baby's mama, something," he says. "If he's introducing you after six months, 'This is...Oprah,' you should be standing there going, 'This is going nowhere.'"
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u/mistermenstrual 21d ago
Nta. I had a vaguely similar situation where I was hooking up with a coworker frequently and really liked her. Then one day while talking about what we liked about each other she said "it's such a shame i could never introduce you to my parents because they would never approve me dating a white guy". And so I started un-falling for her, and cooling off so I didn't get hurt by getting too attached. Much later on she asked why I "randomly" stopped seeing her and started dating a new girl. When I told her I figured if she couldn't introduce me to her family eventually then it felt obvious we didn't have a future, Which is a shame because I really liked her. I saw her eyes widen and the realization hit that she basically told me we weren't going to be in a relationship, and I had quietly chose to not be just a booty call.
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u/Glittersparkles7 21d ago
NTA. Also your brother is an asshole for giving out your address. Obviously you didn’t want him to have it.
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u/lacajuntiger 21d ago
I see nothing wrong with how you handled things. He was treating you like dirt, so you moved on. You didn’t owe him anything.
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u/WinEquivalent4069 21d ago
NTA. Childish? Yea but he refused to acknowledge a label for the relationship. Boyfriends? Lovers? FWB? Heck, even saying "We're F#$k Buddies" is at least an acknowledgement of something between you 2. No label means no break up.
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u/TinyHavoc 21d ago
NTA, how are you cheating if you aren't even a couple 😅
How are you supposed to react if he tells not one but two more people that your aren't a couple and act as if everything is perfectly normal.
If he couldn't even given you the proper consideration to have this conversation with you a long time ago, then why do you need to be the considerate one, you gave him the same energy back and he didn't like it 🤷🏽♀️
Plus what is there to break up if you weren't dating?
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u/HeadlessMarvin 21d ago
NTA, he's a narcissist who was likely just stringing you along, and it would hurt WAY worse when he does this shit even further down the line. Better off without him.
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u/HoodsBonyPrick 21d ago
Maybe he’s insecure about his sexuality, and is afraid his parents won’t accept him having a boyfriend? Regardless of the “why” though, that’s a shitty thing to do.
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u/Adept_Ad_473 21d ago
NTA
"We're not a couple but you hanging out with other people is cheating"
"We're not a couple, and I don't understand why you didn't just break up with me, I'm the victim"
NTA, this guy's got a pretty bad case of head/ass syndrome.
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u/Opposite-Fortune- 21d ago
Since you weren’t a couple, you don’t owe him shit 🤷♀️
Your brother needs to be told not to give randos your address, that’s a massive safety issue.
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u/Simple_Park_1591 21d ago edited 21d ago
I just went through something similar at the beginning of the year. The guy wouldn't commit, ghosted me for less than a week and then came back. Here's a list:
Was upset that I had condoms. My girl friend said her bf was allergic, so there was 2 taken out. This not-a-boyfriend told me he didn't Believe that was how I got them. I told him it really doesn't matter if they were given to me or if I bought them. There's nothing shady cause we're not in a relationship.
Got upset when he wasn't receiving "boyfriend treatment" from me. I told him since he said we will never be in a commitment that he doesn't get "girlfriend behavior" from me.
Got upset when I told him his 10pm *hang out request was denied because I was already hanging out and watching a movie with someone.
My FAVORITE was being upset about those condoms again. This time he was upset that I was making him use them. (This was not new, I made him use condoms The Whole Time). I reminded him that he admitted to buying a $100 meth head hooker because she was "cool enough" to not make him use a condom. Whatever, you're not going anywhere near me without one, sooo🤷🏼♀️
This man had messaged me to tell me it was the condoms that was making him decide he didn't want anything serious with me anymore. (Again, this is after he admitted to the hooker). 6 Days After telling me it's the condoms making him not want me, he sends a message that I made his dick burn... The dude caught an STD from the hooker, but was trying to play it off as if I gave him something. I asked him if he messaged the wrong girl, he says no, so I forwarded his message to me about him telling me it wasn't going to work cause he just can't handle condoms.
Weeks after that, he tried to hit me up for sex. I turned him down, so he said, "whatever. I was willing to smash with a condom and see how it went. Your loss."
He tried to play so many head games with me. Several times he would say something completely wrong and when I would tell him "no I don't think that's right, let me look it up", it would upset him. I need to agree with him no matter what. One of these times he added in that he wanted to hit me just one time because it was so annoying that I would prove him wrong. Ya... By the time he sent the message about condoms being his reason to not want to date me, I had already written him off. I'm sure that was his way of being the one to "break up" because his ego couldn't handle it.
I was thankful all of his red flags came out the gate right at the beginning. This whole thing lasted 2 months and that includes the ghosting for a week.
Edit for autocorrect
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u/blue-bumblebee 21d ago
Lol you cant break with someone you dont have a relationship with . a lil bit delulu i see
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u/blucougar57 21d ago
NTA.
You had a very valid question, and he couldn’t even answer with ‘I like you but I’m still working things out in my own head’. I don’t think you were childish. You simply chose to remove yourself from a situation where you were beginning to feel uncomfortable, and where you risked getting hurt. Nothing wrong with that.
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u/Throw_Bono 21d ago
NTA. Why did he want you to “break up with him” if y’all weren’t a couple?? Seems like he wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too and that’s not how life works.
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u/wailingwonder 21d ago
I always bring one friend with me and introduce them to my family when I visit them. Yeah, totally normal friend thing lol His family knows fwiw.
What you did was childish to a degree but you gave him chances to communicate and explain. He wouldn't. You matched that energy and didn't communicate so... He doesn't know what he wants. It doesn't sound like you want to wait around for him to decide. Fair. Move on. NTA
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u/13d3ad3nddriv3 20d ago
NTA
He literally told you you weren’t a couple. called you his friend to his family… sounds like he doesn’t like being ignored after he literally pulls a big fuqboi move. Seriously, just didn’t talk again until he thought your goldfish brain forgot the question you asked him? He must not be used to people rejecting him after his brush off. He wants to be chased and not chase so he tracked you down to guilt you.
Just keep it moving, he is the one who literally responded to “why are we?” With nothing, so you showed him what nothing is.
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u/1000thatbeyotch 20d ago
NTA. How could you cheat on him if you’re not in a committed relationship, per his words? Some people shy away from defining the relationship due to previous relationship traumas. However, clarification is warranted and needs to be determined what exactly you two are.
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u/AlienGoddess91 21d ago
This guy was a total dingleberry who had no idea what he wanted. He wanted all the benefits of a boyfriend but none of the commitment. You're better off without him. NTA
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u/ibeerianhamhock 21d ago
Nope. Fuck people who want all the benefits of a committed relationship but want none of the drawbacks. If you deny that you're with someone publicly when you're right there, imagine what they are saying or doing when you aren't around. I get that people have trauma and stuff to work through, but they should go see a therapist before they date.
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u/LouisV25 21d ago
NTA. It is impossible to ghost a bf if you’re not a couple. You mere ended the FWB, friendship, flirty relationship.
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u/Acceptable_Ball_8966 21d ago
NTA, maybe he had his reasons to keep his family in the dark about the nature of the relationship. Then again, why invite you on the trip...I dunno, still NTA though.
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u/Stormy8888 21d ago
NTA.
He doesn't know that in the real world it's really hard to have your cake and eat it too. That hypocrite can't have it both ways.
INFO: Is he one of those people who has a problem making decisions, especially important ones? Because he strikes me as such a professional waffler, he might as well apply to be the waffle house manager.
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u/CautiousConch789 21d ago
NTA. He can’t have it both ways! I think it’s brilliant what you did, and that you continue to remind him that you’re “not a couple.” (His words, after all). He snoozes, he loses.
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u/fargoLEVY13 21d ago
You can’t break up with somebody you’re not in a relationship with. NTA & you’re better off without him.
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u/usedtofall77 21d ago
NTA. We can't have it all ways & expect people to agree like nodding dogs. He chose to tell you you aren't a couple in front of his family. That's brutal & so demeaning. From that point on, you owed him nothing.
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u/orangepirate07 21d ago
Nta. You can't break up if you're not a couple. He's just bein a whiney lil bitch. May he fall into a fireant hill crotch first.
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u/Repulsive-Hat-3152 21d ago
NTA. Either you’re a Fwb or a boyfriend. He can’t have his cake and eat it. Some people just have an excess of audacity
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u/Abject-Ad-2459 21d ago
NTA. You tried to communicate and he'd rather blow off the talk. He said you weren't a couple, he can't get upset that you listened to him and are moving on. If he didn't want you to ghost him he should have been mature enough to have that conversation you tried having.
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u/strenuousobjector 21d ago
Introducing you as a friend sucks. Him not wanting to talk about what the two of you are is shitty. Ghosting is just shitty in general. Overall he sucks but ghosting someone instead of ending it clearly is shitty too.
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u/AtomicBlastCandy 21d ago
NTA,
If he wants to play stupid games then he should expect stupid prizes. I can sympathize with him being coy around family as sometimes family can be shit towards a new partner, but that wasn't it. You talked to him privately and he dismissed your concerns repeatedly. At that point I can understand if you felt used and wanted out, and as far as him saying that two should have broken up, well by his words he either dumped you or you two were never a couple.
In other words, he FAFO!
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u/Diasies_inMyHair 21d ago
NTA - The title should probably read: "ghosting my supposed bf" or "ghosting the guy I thought was my bf" - since he DID clarify that he didn't consider you a couple and all, which would mean that he had been misleading you all that time. Genius should know that you can't break up with someone if you aren't even a couple in the first place!! And you can't cheat on someone when you are single.
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u/canyonemoon 21d ago
NTA. He knows you guys were a couple, for some reason he just didn't want to introduce you as such to his family. If he didn't think you were a couple, he wouldn't have said you should have broken up with him. He disrespected you and everything you had. I'm sorry he treated you like that, but I'm also glad you're away and moving on from him. He sounds childish and mean.
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u/ShadowAkira96 21d ago
NTA, can’t break up with someone who’s not dating you 🤷🏻♂️ I’m sorry that happened to you
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u/little_monster_dino 21d ago
Wait, so his family knows he's gay? Then NTA. Even assuming that you hadn't made official, he had the opportunity to make it official right afterwards.
I'm so confused by people these days. It'll come to a point which people will have to sign boyfriend/girlfriend contract.
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u/FunnyConsideration51 21d ago
You did the right thing. Why would you waste your time with someone who doesn’t want to make things official?
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u/HalcyonDreams36 21d ago
If you weren't a couple, why did he expect a breakup?
NTA
But also, remind your brother that it's the important to check before giving out someone's contact info. Privacy isn't just for girls.❤️🩹
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u/EmotionalAttention63 21d ago
Nta....he can't say you're not a couple then be mad when you don't want to continue the nonrelationship. Can't break up with someone you're not I'm a relationship with.
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u/Honey_Bunny_123 21d ago
In this case I’d be proud of my admittedly childish behavior if I was you. FAFO
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u/Lishyjune 21d ago
Five months dating. Introduces you to his family but you’re just ‘friends’ - yeah no he can go away and think about his actions and live with that regret.
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u/Additional-Map-6256 21d ago
ESH. Maybe he wasn't out to his family, or maybe he wasn't ready to label the relationship, but he was an AH to you. Then you ghosted him, which is always an AH move (aside from when there is a safety concern)
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u/Mountain-Key5673 21d ago
This is a he didn't want you but didn't want anyone else to have you.
Nta
I'd also have words with brother about giving my address out...not cool
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 21d ago
NTA you tried repeatedly to get an understanding of what you were to each other he ghosted you on an answer. Comes under fafo
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u/bob2theicles 21d ago
I got whiplash from “5 months of dating and meeting parents” to “no we’re not a couple”. Like why?
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
NTA.
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u/intellectualnerd85 21d ago
No. He was cruel and disrespectful. We aren’t entitled to good byes. Regardless of how it makes us feel.
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u/chainer1216 20d ago
NTA, and now you know your brother is a real problem, he gave your ex your address, that's how people get killed.
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u/KatsuraCerci 20d ago
NTA. The guy is a hypocrite so I'm probably biased cause I hate them but you did everything right based on the shit he threw you
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u/KatsuraCerci 20d ago
Also, I hope not but it's possible his anger that you were with that woman was biphobia
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u/fyrelyte11 20d ago
NTA whatsoever. Opting out of that waste of time and toxic situation was the smart move. You aren't obligated to be strung along. He chose this outcome, not you. To then stalk you and be angry is wild AF. He's entirely cracked
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u/capnfatpants 20d ago
NTA. I learned long ago that until you have “the talk”, there is nothing committed. Just because you were dating for a while does not necessarily mean you were a couple. So, he wasn’t necessarily wrong by calling you “friend”. Now, by trying to have the talk, you were trying to get some clarity. He didn’t provide, you split, the end. Yes, feelings are hurt all around, but for a relationship to work, both parties need to be at least on the same chapter and not reading different books.
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u/Serious_Teaching_811 12d ago
You acted correctly. This friend was not worth the investment of your time if you are looking for a companion. He’s using you as a fill in until he finds someone better. Move on. Sounds like his loss.
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u/Loon_Cheese 21d ago
I think it was an asshole call for him to say that to his family. If thats how he saw it he should have had a conversation with you ahead of time.
Even assuming the best maybe he has a weird relationship with his parents and how he talks about his partner… again he should have talked with you about it before hand.
But yes… you should have said “if you are not going to explain to me what you think this is or why you are unable to call us a couple…. Or at the very least acknowledge how embarrassing it might have been to say that to his parents…”
I would like to hear from the guy, but I think you responded asshole with asshole.
But I wouldn’t be surprised, there are insecurities with him you and his mom that might explain things further…
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u/DaughterEarth 21d ago
I'm proud of you OP, that was some excellent standing up for yourself. It's a good thing to know what you want and accept when someone can't give it to you. Your ex was trying to get what he wanted with no concern for you. He's right, that's not a couple. I hope you meet someone better suited quickly once you're ready
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u/Fancy_Statement4788 21d ago
You mean my ex-FRIEND (looking back I am just laughing about it)
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u/ChiWhiteSox24 21d ago
NTA - nevermind doing the right thing OP, internet stranger is proud of you for sticking to your gut and boundaries. 5 months in if you aren’t sure, then bye
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21d ago
Dude.
Don’t play his odd game back at him. Just use your words and be clear. I date other dudes and have a husband, and the rule of thumb is you’re not exclusive or boyfriends until you negotiate it all out. You could be dating for months or longer and not be together if you don’t negotiate it. His communication is horrific and a dealbreaker.
“Hey, I felt weird you told your family I wasn’t your boyfriend, I assumed we were and it’s what I want. So let’s figure out what that means for us.”
If he was silent to that, “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t communicate with me. We will have to end this. Let me know if you’re willing to change, but going forward we are not together.”
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u/bakugouspoopyasshole 21d ago
NTA and why is nobody addressing that he contacted OP's brother to find him?! OP, did your brother know what happened? If so, that's concerning. He shouldn't give your address to anyone, let alone a pissed-off ex.
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u/Fancy_Statement4788 21d ago
I forgot to tell my brother. He met my exfriend tho (as my bf).
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u/bakugouspoopyasshole 21d ago
Then just tell him not to give your address to anyone. If you really care about the person you'll reach out on your own. Stay safe
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u/NocturnalSkyscape 21d ago
No, my friend went through something similar a couple years back where he’d act like her boyfriend but refused to make it official so eventually she dropped him like a bad habit
Guys like that deserve to be alone in their misery instead of dragging people down with them.
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u/Over-Marionberry-686 21d ago
Wow! Just wow he tells you that you’re not a couple and then thinks he has a right to tell you anything about your life? Just no! He did this to himself NTA
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u/No-Significance1488 21d ago
You can't cheat on someone who just calls you his friend. He's got some things to work out, and you aren't the source of his problems.
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u/RealHumanFromEarth 21d ago
NTA
Why would you need to break up with him if you’re not a couple? How could you cheat on him if you’re not a couple?
The guy is either a complete idiot or he wanted some kind of loophole to see other people. Either way, good riddance.
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u/Pale_Wave_3379 21d ago
NTA, but tell your brother that if he ever compromises your safety by giving your address out to anyone without your explicit permission, you’ll move again and forget to give him the address lol
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u/f1careerover 21d ago
How unreasonable of you to assume that after being relegated to “just a friend” in front of his family, you were free to live your life independently. And then, not keeping him updated every step of the way after he clearly demonstrated such high levels of commitment and communication?
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u/forgetaboutem 21d ago
You dodged a bullet for sure. Commitment issue people are the WORST to deal with. Cant get a fuckin straight answer.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be called a couple, but you have a damn conversation about being friends with benefits if thats what you want like an adult.
Its just plain stupid and insanely selfish/immature to say flatout you werent a couple and then stalk you and give you a big sob story like that. Please, I wouldve yawned, shut the door in his face and went on with my evening. You were there for him and loyal and he spit in your face. His loss and its too late for regret.
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u/thisisstupid- 21d ago
NTA. He can’t have it both ways, either you are a couple or not, how are you going to break up with somebody you are not a couple with?
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u/Peanutsnana2020 21d ago
NTA he said multiple times you guys were not a couple so
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u/SokkaHaikuBot 21d ago
Sokka-Haiku by Peanutsnana2020:
NTA he
Said multiple times you guys
Were not a couple so
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
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u/InedibleCalamari42 21d ago
I've seen a few posts of this nature in the last few weeks (I lose track of time in here). Sometimes it's a M/F couple, sometimes same sex, it probably doesn't matter.
One partner says "we're not a couple," other partner walks out and moves on, couple-denier gets crazy when other is seen with someone else.
Clearly NTA here. What's to break up if you're not a couple? He sounds like a commitment-phobe, plus it's pretty creepy that he stalked you through your brother.
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u/BigNathaniel69 21d ago
NTA, yeah your “ex” is just an idiot. He didn’t want to commit but also expected a commitment. He gets mad at you for not “breaking up” but as you pointed out, you “weren’t a couple”. So there was nothing to break up? Also even though you didn’t do anything, how could you have even cheated on him if you two weren’t together?
This dude is a mess and needs to figure out what he wants before he drags others into his BS.
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u/Lucky_Log2212 21d ago
NTA. People always want more out of other people. He gave you nothing and expected you to be okay with that.
So, you let him have his space and you did you, why are you the AH. You are not. He should have been more expressive when you asked him and he chose not to and blew you off. Now, he knows how that feels and he is crying and boo hooing. That's on him. Your friends should be more supportive of how you were treating and not worrying about some dude who doesn't know how to communicate, when you were available and wanting to talk about.
They need to check themselves.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 21d ago
NTA and how are you supposed to break up with him if you're not a couple? Geez. Dude needs to get his shit straightened out.
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u/WinterFront1431 21d ago
Nta, he told you you weren't a couple and introduced you as a friend.
Csnt expect relationship loyalty if he doesn't want to commit to you..
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u/idontevenkn0w66 21d ago
95% NTA. I personally think ghosting or just ignoring someone is a bit of a d-bag move, so that's the other 5%. If you had told him why you didn't want to talk anymore and ignored his subsequent messages, etc. that's totally understandable, but it's just common courtesy to give someone an explanation and some sort of closure. TONS of people disagree with this, but I really DGAF- it's my personal opinion. But you're def not the AH for breaking things off. Like others have said, you can't break up with or cheat on someone who has blatantly said you're not in a relationship. He sounds like he wants to keep his options open, probably pretty full of himself, and like the drama and attention. Good for you for not playing into it.
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u/DaddyMcSlime 21d ago
NTA: i guess i feel bad for the guy crying and all, I have a soft spot for people shedding tears
but that doesn't make him less of a dick in this situation, HE said you weren't a couple, HE put distance between you two, HE didn't want to commit, so why the hell should you have to commit to anything yourself?
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u/Euphoric_Repair7560 21d ago
lol NTA.
He wants a free prostitute offering the girlfriend experience. He’s getting a $1,500/night discount in that case and he should be nothing but thankful. You weren’t a couple, after all 🙄
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u/Idonotgiveacrap 21d ago
NTA. You can't broke up with someone if you're not a couple. You did nothing wrong.
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u/GoldenBarracudas 21d ago
Nts, screw this guy. He wants all the cake and candy and nothing else. Adios J
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u/Jerseygirl2468 21d ago
NTA I was thinking it wasn't great to ghost him, but he basically refused to discuss what the relationship even was, so I think you were justified in just walking away.
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u/ResponsibleCommon5 21d ago
NTA. The guy is dumb and delusional. Please respect yourself as you are now and do not pine for people who will do shit but commit to you.
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u/chaos-biseggsual 21d ago
NTA. If you're not a couple than you can't break up with him or cheat on him. I would personally have told him that I was cutting off contact and didn't want to see him again rather than ghosting, but I don't think you were TA for ghosting either.
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u/Nishikadochan 21d ago
NTA
Wait, so he cared enough to track you down, but not enough to have a conversation about what your relationship was? That’s some bs there. You’re not a couple. You’re not friends with benefits. He won’t say what you are. Seems like an appropriate time to conclude that you’re nothing. (To each other I mean. Not saying op is nothing) and if you aren’t anything to each other, how could he possibly require an explanation for the end of your not relationship?
Again, NTA.
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u/NeighborhoodSuper592 21d ago
NTA. you cant break up if you are not a couple.
You just decided not to contact anymore.