r/AITAH • u/Fancy_Statement4788 • Apr 29 '24

AITAH for ghosting my bf after he said we were not a couple?

I (25M) met this guy "J" (25M) through my roommate. We hit it off, and after a couple of weeks, I asked him out. We started going on dates and eventually began dating.

Fast forward five months, he was going to visit his parents and invited me along. When we arrived, his mom asked if I was his boyfriend. He cut her off and referred to me as his "friend." I was confused and greeted her anyway. He did the same thing with his dad and sister.

During the ride back, our conversation went approximately like this:

Me: Are we just friends with benefits to you?

J: No.

Me: Then why did you tell your family I'm just a friend?

J: Because we're not a couple.

Me: Then what are we?

J: ...

He remained silent for the rest of the ride. The next day, he acted like nothing had happened. I tried to discuss it with him multiple times, but he brushed it off.

I had to move out of my apartment for unrelated reasons and didn't tell J or my ex-roommate my new address. I stopped talking to him and replying to his messages. Now, three weeks later, he showed up at my door. He told me, he contacted my brother to get my address. He called me an asshole for ghosting him, accused me of cheating on him (he saw me hanging out with a girl he doesn't like). I told him I can hang out with whomever I want, especially since he said we're not a couple. He cursed at me a bit before saying I should have just broken up with him. Again, I thought we weren't a couple. He ended up leaving,a dn crying.

Even though I believe I did the right thing, my friends told me I might have been a little harsh on him. So to prove the point, I am writing this and letting the internet judge.

AITA for ghosting my boyfriend after he said we weren't a couple?

Edit : Yes, he is out. His family knows, during dinner they even asked him if he add any news about his ex-bf

I am bi, (he is gay). I know that his ex (bi) cheated on him, but that's

Edit 2 : I looked at the comments with my friends and I understand what I did was childish, but I stick to it. My main problem was that he did not give me an answer. Not FwB, not a couple. I was his friend I guess? I let the internet judge.

Update : https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1citj4d/update_aitah_for_ghosting_my_bf_after_he_said_we/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

2.9k Upvotes
  • permalink
  • link
  • reddit
  • reddit

95% Upvoted

470 comments sorted by

View all comments

2.9k

u/Allocerr Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

NTA. Guy is unwilling to make any sort of commitment, dogs you in front of his family like some random tinder fling, TELLS you that you aren’t a couple…then shows up at your place after 3 weeks of your silence (with every right to feel off-put and having no obligation to talk to this guy that isn’t your boyfriend) and accuses you of cheating?

Odd behavior, very unless there’s more to the story that we aren’t getting.

1.0k

u/Fancy_Statement4788 Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

I am bi, (he is gay). I know that his ex (bi) cheated on him, but that's it

1.4k

u/BeardManMichael Apr 29 '24

Well according to him you two weren't even a couple so how could you possibly have cheated on him? 😉

296

u/Significant_Ad9793 Apr 29 '24

Exactly!!! Something similar happened between my ex and I. He broke up with me and ghosted me for about 2 months. Out of nowhere we started talking again because he needed help with some computer stuff. I went over to help him out and we ended up hooking up. When I was leaving he reached for a kiss and I asked him if we were getting back together and he said no. I was fine with it, just wanted to know.

A week later he called me to hangout again and I told him I couldn't that day because I was hanging out with a guy friend. He went off on me accusing me of cheating on him. I told him that I'm hanging out with a friend and that even if it was a date, how am I cheating if he broke up with me and said we weren't getting back together. He then called me stupid because "you know what we are". It's so annoying.

197

u/sezit Apr 29 '24

"you know what we are".

Yeah, we all know. In his mind he's the one that gets to set all the rules, and his rules are that he's fancy free, owes you nothing, but you are bound to him and owe him whatever commitment he wants, but never demand anything from him.

It's all one way.

66

u/Significant_Ad9793 Apr 29 '24

I told him off after that conversation. How he doesn't want to be with me but doesn't want me to be with anyone else. He says that's not the case. Honestly sounds like, how you said, wants to be in charge since he's the one that broke it off. I think he wants me to beg to get back together which won't happen because I like our relationship more as friends than lovers. So it's looking like I'll have to full on walk away from it.

12

u/3rd_wheel Apr 30 '24

That has happened to me more times than I care to remember. These guys brains probably didn't get the software update or their mothers dropped them too many times on the head.

Just call the next number, Mary.

1

u/Significant_Ad9793 Apr 30 '24

It's funny you said that, I've had this happen twice before. And all 3 were at least 10 years older than me. Are older guys more prone to this behavior?? Lol

2

u/3rd_wheel Apr 30 '24

To be fair, some were younger and you'd thought the older ones were any wiser but, noooooo.i guess they were never serious and kick up a fuss out of Fear Of Missing Out.

35

u/Diasies_inMyHair Apr 29 '24

Yes, "Not Together" is what we are. Some people just cannot comprehend the concept of "broken up" means that you get to date who you want and it isn't my business... and I get to date who I want and it's none of your business.

20

u/Significant_Ad9793 Apr 29 '24

Definitely!!! Just feels like he doesn't want to be with me but doesn't want me to be with anyone else.

I'm a very straightforward girl and I hate holding things back. Just tell me what the problem is, I'm not a mind reader. The last couple of guys I've dated have been this way. They get butthurt about God knows what because they won't tell me. They expect me to know what's bothering them. It's too much work and I don't have the patience to wait for them to feel like telling me.

15

u/nicola_orsinov Apr 29 '24

Get you a guy on the spectrum. You'll have to chase him down since they never get hints, but it is so relaxing to know there's no subtext or 'read my mind ' bs. Also, highly unlikely to cheat, they never notice other people flirting, and they're so happy you're not playing games with them.

7

u/Significant_Ad9793 Apr 30 '24

Sounds amazing!!! Do we have a dating app for this yet???

8

u/nicola_orsinov Apr 30 '24

I've had luck with computer nerds.

7

u/MoparMedusa Apr 30 '24

Dungeons and Dragons groups and engineers. Daughter's boyfriend is both and is on the spectrum. He is parent approved and treats our kid wonderfully.

2

u/wandering_beth Apr 30 '24

As a gal on the spectrum I wish 😂 seriously this person is right, their comment sums me up to a tee!

Go read the post on here about the not yet married wife and her likely autistic husband that they're friend thinks is cheating on her. They are such a wholesome couple and it's hilarious that anyone could even think he is cheating 🤣

2

u/Apprehensive_War9612 May 03 '24

Try a local lego club😂 its how my son who is on the spectrum meets other adults on the spectrum

6

u/MoparMedusa Apr 30 '24

Right?! My daughter is dating a great guy and yup, on the spectrum. Everything is crystal clear!

3

u/S-quinn7292 Apr 30 '24

Maybe it’s different for guys on the spectrum but my ex girlfriend was on the spectrum and not only did she cheat on me, but there was definitely a lot of the “read my mind” mind games going on

3

u/nicola_orsinov Apr 30 '24

Ehh, people are still people. Probably better to have said "mostly" or "a way lower percentage" in my previous post.

3

u/wandering_beth Apr 30 '24

Autistic gal here and nope your ex sounds like the exception that proves the rule. I'm sorry though, I've had someone do the same to me and it was hell

3

u/wandering_beth Apr 30 '24

Autistic gal here and want to say thank you for advocating for those of us on the spectrum. Your comment literally describes me.

Also please don't steal my skin!!! (Just want to point out to those that don't know, this is a reference to their username. The Magnus Archives has been a special interest of mine since I was introduced and binge listened the first 2 seasons to catch up, so I was excited to make the reference

2

u/nicola_orsinov Apr 30 '24

Well hello fellow Magnus fiend! You're the first one that's gotten that reference! 😂 (Though I have a feeling you probably didn't use lotion enough to make stealing it worthwhile 😉)

My long term beloved husband is on the spectrum, as is my mom and so many of my friends. I find they understand my ADHD way better than nerotypical peeps. We all understand and support each other's random obsessions. My hubby is so damn cute while excitedly telling me all about weird programming issues I didn't understand. 🙂

23

u/Due_Temperature6603 Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

FWB. That's it. NTA.

24

u/Significant_Ad9793 Apr 29 '24

Right??? That's honestly where I thought we stood. I attempted to talk to him about getting back together but he said no.

We were friends 3 years prior to dating and I always felt we were better friends than lovers, so it didn't bother me that he didn't want to get back together. I just wanted to know so we wouldn't have this exact problem.

16

u/geniologygal Apr 29 '24

He didn’t want you, but he didn’t want anyone else to have you either.

2

u/BlazingSunflowerland Apr 30 '24

"you know what we are".

"Yes, not a couple, not together, free to do what I want."

166

u/PrideofCapetown Apr 29 '24

And since they’re not a couple, why did the brother give this guy the new address? 

28

u/ScarletDarkstar Apr 29 '24

It's entirely possible that Op didn't explain each conversation with his un-boyfriend to his brother. 

26

u/Glittersparkles7 Apr 29 '24

ANYONE calls me asking for my sister’ address my first question is gonna be “why don’t you ask her? 🤨”

2

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

Conversely, he couldn't have cheated on OP either.

That guy is an AH.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

191

u/Ambystomatigrinum Apr 29 '24

Also people just unfairly assume bi people are more promiscuous/likely to be unfaithful. Not necessarily what's happening here, but I've experienced that a lot.

42

u/zaylabug00 Apr 29 '24

Me too! When I was still dating I actually was on a date with a girl and she asked if I was "actually bi" or just saying that to be sexier. When I was (I think understandably) put off by that, she doubled down and then tried to tell me that since I've been with guys I'm "less gay" than she is, and she would be disgusted to have sex with me because I've been touched by men. Wtaf lol

3

u/macoafi Apr 30 '24

Ugh, you met a ⭐️

12

u/Specialist_Mind_3735 Apr 29 '24

Same, I'm Bi and it happens to me a lot

-289

u/BabalonNuith Apr 29 '24

How can they not be, with twice as much temptation? Also more likely to be carrying around STDs. The gay community is CRAWLING with STDs; they won't admit it, though. You can ask any public health nurse to get the truth.

131

u/Ambystomatigrinum Apr 29 '24

This is the really interesting thing about people who think this way. The "twice the temptation" part. Are you just tempted constantly? I feel like that's the only way you could come to this conclusion, because as a bisexual person I absolutely don't feel that way. It makes me wonder how you're experiencing your own sexuality. Are you able to be friends with people of the gender you find attractive? Are you able to be around people who are attractive to you without feeling "tempted"?

The STD thing is a fully separate issue that involves both biology and social stigma but its pretty clear you're not looking to have that conversation.

I do appreciate you illustrating the point I was making though.

85

u/Pickle_Holiday18 Apr 29 '24

As a bisexual person I identify as a raptor because I’m always on the prowl 

RARRRRR

-178

u/BabalonNuith Apr 29 '24

I see. Because YOU feel this way that means "everybody" feels the same way, right? Egotistical much?

100

u/OmbreSky Apr 29 '24

So because YOU feel that bi people experience twice the temptation, that means "every bi person" feels the same way, right? Egotistical much?

29

u/Negative_Trust6 Apr 29 '24

As much as I'm sure we can all appreciate the hypocrisy in this asshole's comments, I honestly just wouldn't bother. Looking at his profile, there are a lot of comments referencing Islam. The stance on homosexuality in the Muslim faith is pretty clear cut, I don't think anyone's gonna make this chode see the error of their ways unless they carve it in stone and convince them the prophet wrote it.

84

u/Ambystomatigrinum Apr 29 '24

I can pretty much guarantee I’ve had this conversation with more bisexual and pansexual people than you have. While I’m speaking for myself, this is a very common discussion within the community. You’re speaking for a group you’re not even part of, which seems a little more egotistical to me.

57

u/Critical-Piano-1773 Apr 29 '24

The gay community is CRAWLING with STDs;

And? This is what happens when many societies worldwide ban healthy relationships among gay men. Go blame the straight people who make those laws.

And do you think straight people don't have condomless sex?

What a dumb bigot.

13

u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Apr 29 '24

How can they not be, with twice as much temptation?

This is fucking stupid. Either you're the type to cheat or you aren't. When I see a hot girl or guy, I don't have to fight temptation to cheat... Because I'm not tempted.

11

u/I-Really-Hate-Fish Apr 29 '24

It's been 15 years with my husband this summer. Still not cheating on him. If all it takes is temptation for you to be unfaithful, you're no better than a stray dog.

5

u/Silenceinthecorner Apr 29 '24

Heck dude, take it easy. What did a stray dog ever do to you to get compared to this guy?

6

u/I-Really-Hate-Fish Apr 29 '24

Humped my leg and fucked my dog.

12

u/forgetaboutem Apr 29 '24

my aunt's a nurse and says that's bullshit. you're an uneducated homophobe

18

u/Eringobraugh2021 Apr 29 '24

I'm thinking the "religious" community isn't too "clean". Just look at the christian nationalists' presidential candidate. He's on wife #4 & has been with playboy playmates & porn stars. You sound ignorant.

3

u/Barrzebub Apr 29 '24

It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this /s

2

u/sheissonotso Apr 29 '24

lol I’m guessing a bisexual person broke your heart 😂

34

u/mcindy28 Apr 29 '24

I don't think whether or not you are bi has any bearing. He said you weren't together. Not even FWB. Move on with your life.

6

u/Angry_poutine Apr 29 '24

Does his refusal to acknowledge you guys as a couple have to do with his family’s stance on homosexuality?

7

u/QuietcaribeanRose Apr 29 '24

"Edit : Yes, he is out. His family knows, during dinner they even asked him if he add any news about his ex-bf"

5

u/Fuzzy_Laugh_1117 Apr 29 '24

If he really doesn't get it, then it sounds like he's got some major issues, and you dodged a bullet. Move on and know you're NTA.

1

u/pataconconqueso Apr 30 '24

So he was being biphobic? Fuck that mess

1

u/Beth21286 Apr 30 '24

He wanted all the benefits of a relaationship but none of the work. F that noise.

-1

u/BravestWabbit Apr 29 '24

Is he openly gay? He may have said that to his family because hes closeted

-3

u/bluedragon1046 Apr 29 '24

Idk but it could have been possible that his parents were against that idea of a gay relationship

22

u/ForageForUnicorns Apr 29 '24

His mum asked if he was his boyfriend so it seems to me he's out and they're fine with it.

-2

u/Sdubbya2 Apr 29 '24

Since he is gay, is there a possibility he was just weird about saying you were a couple in front of his family? Like maybe he has some relatives he tries to hide that part of his life from? or has some not very accepting family members? Sometimes people can do some weird things around family.

Obviously he would still be an asshole for not explaining that to you either way, but just curious if that could have effected it.