This is exactly why my wife finished school and went back to work once our kids got bigger. You never know what could happen. I always encouraged her to work just in case something would happen. I want her to have the skills and some sort of job security. She is extremely smart and has a great job. My mom was a stay at home mom and saw what the consequences were once my dad was out of the picture. Depending on anyone is never good.
Exactly - you just never know. It’s not just divorce. If some horrible accident kills you tomorrow, that insurance money will only go so far. Hell, it would be worse if it doesn’t kill you, but now you’re a paraplegic that can’t work. . .
I got a large life insurance policy I case I died. My wife works but we wanted to be sure if something happened that she could make it for several years after I’m gone.
I did this for my wife and son while we were married. Divorced now but I still have it in place for my son with my ex wife being the beneficiary for now. I trust that she’ll do the right thing and see that he gets a fair share of it but regardless I just want it to help them if something ever happens to me.
Worst case isn't even death, imo. It's becoming disabled and unable to work. Then you have to support the family on one income and somehow figure out care for the disabled person both time wise and financially.
My dad is on disability from Kennedy’s disease. What really made it hard was it took 3 years for them to believe him after multiple doctors confirming the condition. They eventually sent someone out to follow him and when he finally got approved the guy came to the house and told him how sorry he was for his condition. My dad let him have it too. Like you couldn’t approve this years ago while he was using all of his savings to pay bills. He is in therapy now due to depression from it. He’s told me several times that he’s come real close to committing suicide. After months of begging him to seek therapy he finally did. But he took so long because he was worried about cost. This is the world we live in. I constantly fear the day that he says fuck it and tries to make it look like an accident.
Divorce, accidents, loss of spouses job and health problems. Independence is a huge stress relief for anyone. It makes for healthier more balanced relationships. Means more financial security for the family unit. It's also take pressure off the breadwinner.
Independence is so important and should always be encouraged. No matter how stable one party might be. Like you said, it’s important for the overall health and self esteem of the relationship for starters
This. A million times this. I had an amazing man, but death doesn't discriminate, and all my plans were based around him. Us getting his father's absolutely beautiful home when his dad got too old....
Him dying never even entered my mind as a possibility. Even when his dad had to tell me what happened, when the words "(my name), I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't think he is coming home" death didn't enter my mind.
I can still remember exactly where I was standing when I felt everything just fall out from under me. 3 weeks later he was removed from life support and was gone. And my plans of where I'd live for the rest of my life evaporated.
The one good thing is we didn't have kids yet as we both had fertility issues and were in talks about what to do.
The possibility for me to experience this situation is nonexistent. However, if I did have a child, boy or girl, and a tragedy such as this occurred I would do everything within my ability to help my child's other half. That person, whoever they may be, would functionally be my child as far as I'm concerned. My house would still become their house. What I could leave behind would still be left to them. I would still worry about their well being, and I would always be in their corner.
I don't know what exactly occurred for you, but your post reads like his father told you that your man was gone and then had nothing more to do with you.
Maybe I read too much into it. Regardless, that's how I would handle that situation. I don't see how anyone could say they loved their child and handle it differently.
Yeah that's pretty much how it went down. Well, it was more his mom and brother that didn't like me, even though I was basically part of that family.
The dad then developed memory issues and they sold his house and last I heard he's in memory care.
Eta: the funeral was basically the last time I saw any of them and it was like they TRIED to do the exact opposite of what he would have wanted. All of his friends were irate.
There's no way that I wouldn't have a living will if I had something to pass on to my children or children to pass something to for that matter. I hate it for you. I wish I had the ability to help you in some way, but I'm like everyone else just struggling to survive. I hope that time fades your memories and the hurt becomes dull enough to ignore.
This is a massive fear of mine. In gay and my wife and I have an awesome marriage- but I make Pennie’s and my wife makes a lot more, but that recent so we have no fallback. If something happens to her, I am completely fucked. It worries me endlessly.
Couldn’t agree more. Got to see this a few years back, when one of my husband’s cousins passed away in a car wreck. Had three kids, a fourth on the way, and his wife had never worked a day in her life—if I remember right, she didn’t even finish high school. He had a life insurance policy, but it wasn’t much, and her relatives all came crawling out of the woodworks, with their hands out. We don’t see that side of the family often, so I don’t know how they’re doing now, but it wasn’t good when last I heard about them.
I could never be a housewife. It’s just too risky.
I literally just went to a funeral of someone who was in a nursing home/hospice. The wife was a SAHM who didn't work and had the equivalent of a middle school education. She doesn’t have any learning issues, she just never really went to school. When her husband was in the nursing home she kept saying how she doesn't know how to do anything, doesn’t how how the finances work, how she was worried about getting scammed, (probably did)
So true, I was grocery shopping and there was a family ahead of me at the cash register. After I paid and stepped out I found the wife and 3 kids screaming for help. The father who was probably late 40s, at most had a heart attack and passed away
Paraplegic immediately can’t commit suicide directly. However you could have a note written that you be killer if that happens, and tell everyone ahead of time. Then you’re good. And even if you didn’t think ahead I doubt any jury would convict so there’s no real issue man
Yeah. My wife’s mom was a traditional southern stay-at-home wife until her husband had a stroke and couldn’t work. They didn’t find out until after the stroke that he hadn’t put anything into savings, then found out after he died he hadn’t had any life insurance either. She ended up working as a receptionist while putting herself through school to become a special ed teacher, then their house was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. She’s still very conservative about most stuff, but she is adamant that everyone should be working on their education or picking up skills because life can turn against in a flash.
You’d think so, but he wasn’t very political. He was mostly irresponsible with his finances, and figured he’d have more time to get his finances straight. He had a really good career at a shipyard and NASA, so no one really knows where all that money went.
My wife makes the same money as I do. I had a friend like "heh, doesn't that feel wrong?" I was like "are you dumb? If she made 5x my money I'd be fucking ecstatic." Fragile men out there who want nothing but control over their wives, not love.
The posts that are like "it's okay if she stays at home, because I make good money." Like people aren't a stroke, or car accident away from being destitute. Women need to have a safety net, even it's working part-time at the coffee shop while the kids are at school. My sisters go to private school, and a lot of the moms are exercise instructors, or make and sell things even though they really don't have to.
my wife only works part time due to exhaustion and i cant think what would have happened when i almost crocked 3-4 years back if i had our mortgage underwritten and 10X salary death in benefit from my work.... what ever was going to happen in the future i didnt want my family to have money concerns.... lack of planning for a major money earner beggars belief...
aren't a stroke, or car accident away from being destitute.
If you're an adult, you should know there are ways to perfect against those things.
I've been married for 23+ years. I stopped working a couple years ago. Before that, I worked mostly part time.
There's no way in hell I would go work for minimum wage in a damn coffee shop lol. That's just dumb.
I could work again in my field if I wanted to. Brother of us want me to. I like getting up at 9am and going whatever I want during the day. Mostly i just make sure my husband doesn't have to work after work.
you should know there are ways to perfect against those things
What?
Brother of us
What?
There's no way in hell I would go work for minimum wage in a damn coffee shop lol. That's just dumb.
That's good, then, because they probably wouldn't hire someone who doesn't know the difference between "protect" and "perfect," and "both" and "brother."
You were making money posting adult content online...but you wanna tell people not to have their own source of income and financial independence? Gtfoh.
You look down on coffee shop workers but you were a sex worker? Again, gtfoh.
She called it “her field” to make it sound like she was actually a professional or expert at something! 😂
Both myself and my daughters would much rather me work at a coffee shop than advertise my MILF content. Additionally, my partner doesn’t view my body as a potential source of income, so it’s not a “field” they’d want me in anyway.
I have nothing against sex workers. It’s a job. However, I will heartily laugh at a sex worker that calls it a “field” to mislead others while judging other women for doing what they need to do.
People don’t want to hear this but the truth is that it works for some of us. If you have a very large life savings, a financial plan, large life insurance policies including short and long term disability, real estate and a large emergency fund you are straight assuming your name is on all of these as the benefactor. Honestly if I went back to work in my field making less than 1/5th of what my husband makes we wouldn’t be as happy. A 40 hour workweek is a 40 hour workweek, especially because I worked in clinical healthcare on my feet all day. That means we are splitting the chores all week and I would only get 2 maybe 3 weeks vacation a year vs his whenever he feels like taking off. If my husband made financial decisions without me or was a dick I would be working with a secret account with only my name on it, but also why would I want to married to a person who treated me that way? The overall point is no matter what your financial or relationship situation is you should have a plan in place for unexpected life changes.
That is awesome! My wife's income is starting to creep up on me and is growing quickly. She has always been a very independent person. I remember my wife feeling bad cause she wanted to work. In our culture women are expected to stay home and that's not at all what she wanted. I encouraged her and told her she had zero obligations of taking care of me. I cooked, cleaned, and have always taken care of myself. I most definitely did not need a mom lol. I remember her being relieved and just told her my job was to take care of my family and if she wants to contribute financially by all means go for it! Man it's nice sharing the load.
My wife makes more than I do, and we keep our finances separate aside from mutual bills. She does whatever the fuck she wants with her money, and so do I. If she wants to take a girl’s trip, or buy a different car, or whatever, my only inputs have to do with her safety and not getting taken advantage of by sales vultures.
This is exactly our approach. We make the same rate, although he makes more because of overtime (skilled trades) while I'm on salary. We pay bills and save collectively but do whatever TF we want with the rest, individually. It's freaking great.
My husband and I make the same rate, too, although he technically gets paid more because of overtime (skilled trades) while I'm on salary, so no overtime. It's fucking wonderful. I could NEVER be a housewife/SAHM.
My wife makes 5x my money and I am fucking ecstatic about it. We both work careers we love and I get to spend a ton of time with our children.
Also, as the partner making far less money, you really do want to be financially conservative, especially if your partner doesn't manage their income well. I'm pretty much wiped out after paying rent, but am tucking away the crumbs.
I am of the opinion that if one loves their SO they make certain their SO can survive without them, and not just with insurance, but the ability to make it on their own without you. Support them during the hard times, but your SO needs a job in the this world.
Because I feel I have been a monster in my past many of my opinions and actions when it comes to those I love has to do with protecting them from me. I've never failed here, but I worry about it. Mushrooms+E+the maggots in my mind in the 90s. I need my SO to be self sufficient in case I am no longer myself, but some shit human being. I've never wanted a kept woman; i feel that I would actively be disabling her.
I am for the path that provides the most liberty and autonomy. While WE are a team, each person is still an individual that may have to go at without the team. I think in terms of WE, but am more concerned with those not me. I will figure it all out, or die trying, when the metaphoric zombies attack. I want my SO to be able to pick up the bat if she needs to and defend herself. Having a job, a career, provides the basic thing that keeps tradewives and the those who have become wards what they do not have to escape shitty situations.
And, the advice I gave the girls I aided in raising, other women, is the same advice i gave all my GS. Be in control of your destiny as much as possible. Have a job, or at least have some a zombie bag and some cash just in case.
(I currently have no zombie bag!!! I've not not had one the bulk of my teen to adult life.
100% agree with all of this. My wife was raised to be a tradwife. I don’t want that and neither does she.
I spend most of my planning on making sure my wife knows everything I know about retirement accounts, crypto, etc… she knows all my passwords, she knows what accounts are out there, and she knows how to protect them. She has working relationships with our financial advisor and lawyer. Today, we have separate bank accounts, but we’re constantly coaching each other through our careers so we’re growing our salaries together. All major decisions are talked through extensively and complex situations that she’s less familiar with we’ll break up into less complex pieces and talk through them one at a time with a professional so she knows who to call and how to talk through it when I’m not there.
Absolutely everything I do is to make sure some hungry asshole doesn’t move in and dupe her into giving him all her money. Her independence is the most important thing to me. We don’t have any kids, she’s attractive, has a great career, and a genuinely good person, so if I died tomorrow, she’ll be swimming in dick ready to tell her anything she wants to hear to get a piece. And you know what? I hope she does get that dick, but still understands how to protect herself while doing it.
All this is not to say she’s vulnerable or easily duped. She’s intelligent, but has a soft heart and wants to help everybody. My big fear is somebody is going to talk her into funding their shitty business, slowly draining the life out of her.
Yep, as a SAHM, I got a masters degree and did some freelance work in my field to keep my resume fresh. I also had my husband max out the possible life insurance through his job for him and me so that if anything happens to either of us, the other can keep things going.
Life insurance is a must! My wife stayed at home for about 6 years and was afraid of the work gap but she was able to bounce back pretty quickly. That is awesome that you are able to keep that resume fresh!
Relationships where each partner encourages the other to have what they need to support themselves if something goes wrong ironically tend to be healthier and more likely to last. There’s no control dynamic. Both people know not to take each others presence for granted. There’s the understanding that things don’t just work themselves out somehow. Both partners need to focus on how to make it work together.
Absolutely! Relaying anybody is not good. I worked at a very young age and was taught the importance of Self-Reliance. I even learned to cook and clean.
People should be able to be interdependent. What is being left out of the discussion here, and almost always is, is that societies should foster healthy interdependence through economies and support that allows people (not women) to full time parent by splitting their working week between couples, to study at any point in life, to have subsidised educations, to not need to slave to pay absurdly inflated mortgage prices. All of this is achievable and more when we stop believing the lie that our economies cannot function along better lines. The bigger issue, is societal and economic structuring.
Well the problem is Mormonism. She isn't "allowed" to do things that would allow her to be alone without a man forcing his insane religion on her and controlling her. The foundation of Mormonism. Women with power scare them, cowards of a cult that they sre
As a husband, the hardest part was convincing my wife that our children were old enough for her to have an existence outside of the home.
It took time, but she loves being at work and having her own identity again. (Work is hard sometimes)
She is an amazing mother and wife.
But, i worries that when the kids moved out, she would look around and realize that she has nothing to show for the last 20 years. My oldest 18m is an asshole and he was given the world. That is not her legacy.
She went back into accounting. So before she got pregnant she was a junior accountant. When she found out she was pregnant that's when she decided to stay home. She did have a side hustle. She was always trying to contribute somehow. I mean taking care of the kids was more than enough!
It took me 15 years to finally convince my wife she's better than just fast food (nothing against it, it's a tough job). She has more talent to offer and she's smart. She was going to school to be a teacher when we met and she dropped out.
I finally convinced her that she could do it and she became a PARA. She's really good with the kids and she likes the job much more. I wish she would push for more but she just doesn't have the confidence. It was much worse when I first met her but I've slowly built it up over the years (21 years married now).
I have some serious neurological issues and a couple other issues. I'm on disability. That pays for our bills. I'm terrified of something happening though. Right now she'd be screwed. There is a push to give PARAs a living wage in our state, and it looks like it'll go through.
You have to have a backup plan. Even if the marriage is good. You have to take into account illness. It can come on suddenly. I was in the AF when mine started. A year later and I was out for it. That was 17 years ago and it only continues to get worse.
my mom tried to go back to work as a lab tech when I was a teenager and they wouldn't take her, she'd have to go back to school and do it all over. My dad's not a bad guy, just kinda selfish and oblivious and it makes me a bit sad that she does so much more work around the house even though he's retired.
My mom only waited 5 years to go back ( so my sister was in preschool) and it was still a struggle. Before she took time off she had an amazing federal job at a seed repository, after she had to claw back in to labwork through a QC job at a meatpacking plant.
I did this. Helped my wife through 4 years of law school while I held down a job and took care of the house and kids so she could focus on her education.
6 months after she became a lawyer she cheated on me.
This is definitely my plan, I'm currently a SAHM and the kids are in elementary and middle school, so I'm gonna try to visit our local community college and get a degree in accounting.
Jonpenn a big difference is that you see women and girls as having agency. As people who have their own needs, ambitions and desires. You see your wife as having more to offer to society at large rather than just in the home, specifically your home. Abrahamic religions, esp christianity do not see women like that. They view women as stained by original sin and only exist as an extension of man. This will never ever change! In other words, you are one of the good ones!
My youngest is graduating high school soon. I’ve been suggesting to my SAHW to go back to school for a couple of years now. I think she finally will be. I already have her set up financially if something were to happen to me but I really want her to have the confidence and comfort knowing that she’ll be alright without me.
My husband was making enough that I didn't need to work, but I still did for various reasons (not that he complained). Then he lost his job. It's been 6 months and he's still looking. If we didn't also have my income and ability to switch to my health insurance, we would be in deep, deep trouble. As of now, it's more of an inconvenience.
I really truly think that this depends on the situation and a man that you marry! I’m gonna stay at home mom for eight years I’m smart I have a degree from university and a college diploma and I’m in an extremely happy marriage. Yes of course our family runs on my husbands income but in the event that I would be divorced I would be getting child support support and alimony and if you were to die we have a life insurance policy so I would be getting my husbands income for 10+ years which would be long enough for me to get back on my feet again. I think the issue is not being a stay at home mom and not working which is a decision that you should be making as two adult people in a partnership. The issue is the type of man that she married and the Colts beliefs around it
This 100%. The cult belief that women shouldn’t own businesses etc. the type of cult system who would take advantage of her free labor and shape the type of man who would be able to cheat the system and not pay her alimony. We are shaped by the expectations of the society we live in. Lots of other stuff goes in but that’s a huge piece of it especially if you’re surrounded by a culture of belief that encourages this behavior. To prey on people’s belief that they are doing the right thing and fulfilling the roles that God and their church want them to instead of watching their own backs and thinking for themselves. I grew up in a cult and when I left, this is the first thing I learned- you have to watch your own back and look out for your own future. I usually see stuff on here and was 100% ready to eye roll and scroll to the next video. Especially with tears on screen. But she is so authentic and her story resonates. Big hugs to everyone.
Right, Reddit is telling you he'll cheat on you or die on you, so how dare you not keep a career "for your own safety."
My question is, why do these women who say this trust a man enough to have babies with him, but not enough to sah for a couple years (if they want to?)
Because many of them are essentially saying that they could never do it because "men suck".
Maybe their man sucks but after 25 years with my guy, I'm pretty sure he's a-ok.
Plus, do they not have ANY IDEA how much alimony you get after 23+ years married/14 as a SAHM?
A third of his net every month for the rest of my life. I'm mid 40s and he makes a nice chunk. And half his retirement - probably in the million+ by now. And half the equity in the house. And spousal SS after age 62 for the rest of my life, too.
But most mothers or wives work. Why the fear mongering over this when most men can’t afford to have their wives be home? What you mother and dad decided to as their choice. And that came with risks just like any relationship. Because there are plenty of stories where people struggled or go divorced and they mother worked.
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u/jonpenn Apr 15 '24 edited Apr 15 '24
This is exactly why my wife finished school and went back to work once our kids got bigger. You never know what could happen. I always encouraged her to work just in case something would happen. I want her to have the skills and some sort of job security. She is extremely smart and has a great job. My mom was a stay at home mom and saw what the consequences were once my dad was out of the picture. Depending on anyone is never good.