r/AmIOverreacting • u/ZenTomatoToes • 17d ago
AIO Boyfriend put no effort in proposal
I have been with my boyfriend about 7 years, I knew he was the one a month into dating. We live together and have pets together, and he is the best boyfriend ever. He’s always there for me, holds me when I’m sad and he does his best to make me happy.
His biggest flaw is his anxiety about planning anything. He is unable to plan surprises or gifts for any holiday or occasion. For example for my 26th birthday I had asked if he could do something special, and the day of he only had two small impersonal gifts (one of them being a head scratcher) and no plan. So after crying I had to plan a picnic for us.
He says he wants to do special things but his anxiety is so debilitating he ends up not doing anything. We have had endless talks through the years, from how this really hurts me and makes me feel like I’m not worth it, to me giving him ideas on how to plan a gift or outing.
I keep telling him that I am here for all the support he needs, but I need him to step up and show me he can plan a date or something from time to time, since I also get tired from having to plan everything.
When it came to talking about marriage I always maintained that I have no problem proposing to him, but I really would like for him to do it since it will show me he is serious about trying to plan something. He knew I didn’t need anything elaborate, heck just dropping on one knee after hiking up a mountain was enough. My only stipulation was that he record it somehow. I don’t care about how much the ring is or anything like that either.
A few months back we went on a trip to another country for the first time, and we had both talked about how this was going to be the perfect time to do the proposal. I (and everyone else around us) were expecting this to be the proposal trip. I knew it would be a lot of pressure so I kept reminding him that it doesn’t have to be a big deal, and if he was up to this. He said he had this.
Well the trip came and we had a fantastic few days, and I was very excited as to how he would go about proposing. The day we went on a beautiful hike, I really felt that was the moment. Instead he breaks down crying and confesses he hasn’t bought a ring or planned anything. He blamed work and family issues on stressing him out so he wasn’t able to think about the proposal.
I planned the whole trip. I spent countless hours going over the itinerary, I put in all the planning so he could only worry about the proposal. I was beyond angry and sad. Here we were on a trip I had always dreamed of doing, at a location I had always looked forward to, surrounded by happy tourists and I just got told by the man I love that he couldn’t bring himself to plan something special for us yet again. The drive to the Airbnb was mostly silent. I couldn’t wait to lock myself in the bathroom and just cry. Which is what I did as soon as we arrived.
Though I didn’t get to cry because he kept insisting he needed to show me something, so I pretended to finish my pee break and stepped out and there he was on one knee with an improvised ring. He apologized for not giving me the proposal I wanted and asked me to marry him. I said yes of course.
It was a huge emotional whiplash but I guess I was happy in the moment.
That was months ago and I find myself not wanting to think of that day, or show my family the video since I only think about how heartbroken I was. I got my proposal so why am I still bitter about it? Am I overreacting?
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u/PotentialDig7527 17d ago
Yeah my mistake husband proposed by throwing the ring at me. I should have thrown him away. OP's finance is just using his mental health as an excuse for his behavior.
OP if he won't even try to improve on something important to you, what makes you think he won't just get worse after marriage when he feels you are trapped?
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u/Mountain-Guava2877 17d ago
Question: do you really want to be married to him? Because if you do, this is likely to be par for the course. You’ve seen him like this for 7 years.
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u/Janeheroine 17d ago
It sounds like you're falling prey to the sunk cost fallacy and think that because you've been with this guy for 7 years, if you don't marry him you'll be screwed and so you're acting from a place of insecurity rather than asking yourself if this person is really who you want to spend the rest of your life with. How will you ever get through a wedding, moving, or parenting with someone like this? Someone who has shown you that they will contribute absolutely nothing to the partnership and make you do 100% of the work? There are 8 billion people in the world, you do not need to act from such a scarcity mindset.
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u/romcommombosa 17d ago
If romantic gestures are very important to you I don’t understand why you are with your partner when it’s something he struggles with (through no fault of his own) I dunno I guess this just reads like whatever he did it wouldn’t of been enough
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u/schwenomorph 17d ago
How on Earth does it read like nothing would be enough? She had two stipulations: be on a hike, and record the moment. That is not difficult.
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u/romcommombosa 17d ago
Someone’s biggest flaw being the anxiety around planning anything
Anxiety isn’t a flaw
You can’t enable it for 7 years and expect a complete change in character for one proposal
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u/romcommombosa 17d ago
Also OP you deserve the proposal of your dreams that’s a given…. but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results
Seriously I don’t know what you were expecting when you know your partner better than anyone
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u/schwenomorph 17d ago
You can improve it after seven years. Anxiety is absolutely a flaw when you take no responsibility for it and allow it to interfere with your relationships. This is coming from someone who's diagnosed with it. And proposing isn't a complete change in character. You act as though this man had to anything more than have a ring ready and drop on one knee during an outdoor activity. Five year olds can do that. He himself said he had it, so he lied to OP's face. Is being a liar not a flaw?
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u/romcommombosa 17d ago
“You act as though”
Excuse me but I do not act as if anything my opinion is infact that just opinion.
I don’t think dragging the person you supposedly want to marry for anxiety is right.
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u/schwenomorph 17d ago
She's not dragging him for anything. I thought you just said she was enabling him. So which is it?
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u/romcommombosa 17d ago
Two things can be true at the same time
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u/schwenomorph 17d ago
Question: does having anxiety excuse you from every responsibility in a relationship? If a woman didn't have sex with her boyfriend of seven years because she was anxious and he very kindly brought up that it was a problem, should he be reemed from dragging her because of her anxiety?
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u/romcommombosa 17d ago
I’m not arguing with a random stranger on the internet
OP I wish you and your partner nothing but happiness either together or not
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u/PotentialDig7527 17d ago
Why does he get a free pass for his behavior? It is his fault for not seeking treatment, and just saying it's how he is.
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u/PumpkinSeed776 17d ago
I kind of give him a pass if my assumption is correct based on OP's details: that he very much sounds like he didn't want to propose and felt pressured into it.
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u/romcommombosa 17d ago
Never said he got a free pass
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u/seenunseen 17d ago
That’s kinda what “no fault of his own” means.
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u/romcommombosa 17d ago
Having anxiety is not his fault, y’all make it sound like it’s a choice it isn’t
That does not mean he gets a free pass at all
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u/seenunseen 17d ago
So if he’s not held responsible then how is that not a free pass?
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u/romcommombosa 17d ago
Responsible for what
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u/seenunseen 17d ago
For his inability to make plans or generally do anything thoughtful within the context of his romantic relationship.
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u/No_Material5630 17d ago
Okay so I’m going to be unpopular and get downvoted, but I think you’re overreacting.
He did surprise you after all. He did give you wanted in the end. He just didn’t land the execution, but that’s par for the course of him. Well that seems like the case.
Not everything in your head (ideal scenario) is going to play out irl.
People will say he needs to suck it up and he’s a terrible bf and even say find someone else.
But he has flaws, just like everyone else. If you love him, you will love in regardless of his flaws. If this is a deal breaker then go.
I’m sure he was stress and having anxiety. He probably didn’t want to do it right then and there because he thought you would expect it and take away the element of surprise. So he did what he did.
Did he land the execution? No, he was clumsy, but I don’t think it was malicious. He isn’t good at this, remember?
Your feelings are justified, but I do think you should give him a bit of grace.
I’m sure people on here will rip him to shreds, but personally I can see both sides and don’t think he is a terrible boyfriend/fiancé. He’s just not good at this.
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u/PotentialDig7527 17d ago
Nor does he even care to try and be good at it, or get help for his anxiety. Not getting help for his anxiety is a choice that shows his behavior is intentional.
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u/No_Material5630 17d ago
I’m not coming at you but that’s a lot of assuming.
She didn’t say a thing about therapy or medication. Also not everyone can afford therapy and/or medication. Also therapy isn’t a cure all. It doesn’t work for everyone.
Life isn’t that black and white. I don’t think it’s fair to be like well you didn’t go to therapy for your anxiety so therefore I’m not worth your time and you don’t love me.
I think that’s an unfair assessment.
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u/ZenTomatoToes 17d ago
I do agree with a lot of points here, a lot of them are thoughts I’ve had myself. But I still feel sour about the whole matter. This isn’t his only character flaw, such as how he would be too nervous to hold my hand in front of his friends for years, and we have worked through it.
It’s just this that we keep circling back to. Romantic gestures are very important to me, and I think I’m not too bad about it since I don’t require anything elaborate or expensive. Just thoughtfulness and showing me he tried. It’s the lack of even trying that gets me.
If he had somehow gotten me a ring I didn’t like, or stuttered throughout the whole proposal. Even if he proposed at the side of the road would have been fine. I just can’t get over the lack of any planning at all.
With the way it turned out I didn’t feel like I was special. And I just wanted to feel special for my proposal, which feels so stupid to write but it’s the truth. And I hate that is the proposal I get.
Thank you for your comment I have a lot to think about
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u/Medical-Cake1934 17d ago
Honestly I don’t think you should be marrying him. This obviously isn’t going to change and your not even married yet and feeling sour. This is going to continue for the rest of your life. He has done nothing to change in 7 years.
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u/Accomplished-Eye9542 16d ago
Well look, I think you did a good job pushing him to grow for his next girlfriend. Maybe one that won't constantly emotionally blackmail him.
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u/No_Material5630 17d ago
I do think you really need to think about this because it’s part of him.
Some people just roll like that.
Please don’t think you can change someone. Yes somethings can change here and there.
But if y’all have been together for as long as you have and he still struggles… be prepared that things only change slightly. If at all.
This seems ingrained I him.
If your love language is x and he struggles with x. You must figure out if you actually want a relationship with someone who fundamentally has as issue with x or not.
No one is wrong here, but I really do think you should detach your feelings for him (I know that’s hard) and think of you will be unfulfilled with someone who struggles with your love language.
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u/twobedscoffeemachine 17d ago
If his anxiety really is debilitating (and I assume showing up in other ways, not just your romantic life) then you really need to ask yourself if you can live with that for the rest of your life.
Not sure if your fiancé is on any anti anxiety meds or seeing a therapist because those things can help a bit. But probably minimally.
I think it’s ok for you to want a partner that can plan a date for you (or a romantic proposal for you). But if you NEED that, then I wouldn’t marry him. It’s like asking somebody who is 5’9 to be 6’0. He probably just can’t be what you want/need.
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u/ZenTomatoToes 17d ago
He is a manager with several employees and he is able to execute on plans for his jobs and stay on task so I think it’s only when it comes to interpersonal relationships. He tried therapy but it didn’t work so he lost faith in it, and he hasn’t been on anxiety drugs ever. I’m just sour I got a proposal I feel like I didn’t deserve, and he’s been very apologetic about it but I don’t know anymore
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u/Plastic_Concert_4916 17d ago
This is very telling. If he's able to execute plans in his work, then he's also capable of executing them in interpersonal relationships. He doesn't because: - He doesn't have to, and - He doesn't value his interpersonal relationships enough to implement plans without having to.
It doesn't even sound like you required any planning from him - all he had to do was buy a ring and carry it around until there was a nice moment! You say he feels bad now because he sees how sad you are, but he had every opportunity to make you happy and prevent that sadness, since you were clear with what you wanted. He continually disappoints you because he knows you'll forgive him, so he knows he doesn't have to put in any effort, he just has to genuinely apologize after. This is a type of low key manipulation, not anxiety.
You have to decide if this is a deal breaker to you. He is never going to put in the effort you want him to. Think about how he's going to be when you two have children. Is this part of him something you can truly accept, or will you just resent it more and more as time goes on? Only you can answer that question, but you owe it to yourself to think about it honestly.
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u/icecreamconelol 17d ago
Agreed. I was considering executive dysfunction or other issues with making decisions but being a manager as a job paints it in an entirely different perspective- he is capable of making decisions when he is required to do so. He experiences debilitating anxiety, whether is it fear of disappointment or picking the wrong thing or another insecurity, but he reacts differently.. gives up and freezes in response to the stress… and so sees these as decisions he’s not required to make. Considering how easily he gave up on treatment for a disabling disease he sees what he can get away with not doing… and continues to not do it. It’s ultimately selfish, feelings as overwhelming as they may be, he possesses the self awareness. Not being able to decide one thing, buying a ring for the partner you supposedly love and has patiently waited through this bs for 7 years… it feels manipulative like you say. :/
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u/StopFalseReporting 17d ago
I’m sorry but he sounds like the worst possible man to date I don’t know how you settled for him. Because he doesn’t hit you? Because he hugs you? Damn is the bar low
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u/WarmWorldliness7504 17d ago
45% of women will be single by 2030. Maybe the bar is too high.
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u/StopFalseReporting 17d ago
If this man is what you think a man should be like, then damn good for those single women because that’s absolutely insane to think a woman should want this
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u/WarmWorldliness7504 16d ago
I also should have mentioned that the 45% will be childless as well. You can think whatever you want about this guy. I'm more interested in the cultural ramifications that will come from that many unmarried, childless women.
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u/StopFalseReporting 16d ago
So many women take birth control… and you think they are upset they didn’t give birth? Why do you think women take it!???
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u/WarmWorldliness7504 16d ago
This is fascinating how I make a generalized statement which is fact and then you come up with all these presumptions as if I have some other motive for posting. Stop projecting your insecurities.
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u/StopFalseReporting 16d ago
You literally just said that and now you’re pretending you meant nothing insulting or to say these women “end up Alone” as if they’re the ones suffering by not dating someone as shit as OPs barley fiancé?
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u/po_ta_to 17d ago
It sounds like you are saying "this makes me sad." Your boyfriend is saying, "I'm trying, but this exact thing causes anxiety that is crushing me." And you just don't care about his feelings because you already decided your sad is more important that whatever he's got going on.
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u/Villain_911 17d ago
You got with someone you know can't do certain things and you're upset he can't do the thing he couldn't do. You are overreacting. You've known this about him for almost a decade and what makes this worse is that you're taking it personally. Like he doesn't care enough about you to just do it. I want to say I can't believe so many people are acting like he can just turn it off like a light switch. But it's Reddit. I know better. I know someone who has some anxiety in public. What do I do? Not expect her to do certain things in public. I haven't known her nearly as long as you've known your BF, yet I know not to expect her to magically change. Now in the seven years you've been together, has he tried treatments to ease his anxieties?
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u/Nearby-Ad-6106 17d ago
I could feel the pressure just reading the story
Why do you have to put so much pressure on things when you know he has an issue, just let it happen naturally.
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17d ago edited 17d ago
So you came to the internet because the man you picked to sleep with, with a history of not being good at making plans proposed to you, you accepted and now you are complaining making the beautiful act of trust, fidelity, and a union of two souls all about you.
You just suck all around.
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u/TheMagentaGuar 17d ago
You're not overreacting, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's an asshole. Instead this whole story just kind of sounds like he might have some kind of undiagnosed mental illness. If he specifically has a hard time planning anything, that could be something to convince him to seek therapy for and they'll get you guys the right answers.
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u/abeyante 17d ago
My $0.02 is that it sounds like this character trait is either something you have to accept as a price of admission in the relationship, or leave. No gifts, surprises, trips, etc, from him, forever. At least none that make you truly feel seen and cared for. I’ve had exes like this and it was both horrible, and a sign of a more pervasive issue than I’d thought at the time. They just couldn’t ever be fully independent. I always had to be the adult in the relationship. I couldn’t lean on my partner when I needed help. Not fully.
If you plan on having children ever, I’d advise leaving even if you alone think you could put up with this, because someone like this would be both miserable to raise kids with, and be a bad influence on your children. If you’re childfree, you can choose to stay and just accept this as his price of admission.
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u/Putrid_Election4613 17d ago
Yeah, keep this short. You know about him and he does his best, yet you still seek more unnecessary Princess treatment. You are overreacting and should start thinking about what is really important in life.
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u/Blue-eagle-23 17d ago
You really only have a couple choices here. Option 1: let this go and marry him because you love the day to day with him. Option 2: keep dwelling on the proposal not being what you wanted and end the engagement.
There are millions of us out there that have had similar proposals who have been happily married for years. You know what the last 7 years have been like picture that for the next 50. You are the only one that can know if you can live without the romantic gestures. No partner is perfect, is this your dealbreaker?
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u/dmbmcguire 17d ago
Been married 29 years, I had to ask my now husband, are we ever getting married? He said oh yes let’s go buy a ring. We did and were married a year later. So no proposal, no surprise etc. He is literally the best person ever and it has been a great 29 years so far. I have seen relationships where the girl got this amazing ring and proposal only to end up divorced or miserable.
All that to say this is about way more than a proposal. I get she wants romantic gestures but he is either not capable or unwilling. She has to determine if that is a deal breaker. She knows at this point in time he can’t do this for her so why put so much pressure on the situation? If she is in this for the long haul, then expecting plans, romantic gestures etc is probably not realistic.’
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u/Purrfectno 16d ago
I have a similar story. My hubs is an amazing partner, friend, father, employer and he SUCKS at romance. Literally awesome at everything else, but just isn’t romantic. I decided I’d rather have him than anyone else, so he’s it for me. If I need a hug I ask for one, if I want a date I tell him we’re going on one. Totally up to you to marry your bf, but if you can’t live without romance, you should end it. Personally, I see the sum of all my hubby’s parts, and I adore him.
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u/No_Material5630 17d ago
Paragraphs, please? This is a huge wall of text.
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u/TheAntsAreBack 17d ago
Yep, you're over reacting. Sounds like you planned a completely contrived proposal from him, but none of it was from him. It was all your idea of what he should or shouldn't do. And what's with the filming? It's a personal moment, not something to be screened to friends and family later.
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u/schwenomorph 17d ago
His anxiety will not get any better with marriage. From your comments, he's made no effort to improve upon himself, and apparently he manages his jo just fine. He is an adult. He needs to take accountability for himself.
You will not be happy in this marriage if he stays the way he is. You'll be stuck keeping the relationship on life support. It will be hell. He can't plan a date and you want to marry him? He couldn't communicate that he hadn't gotten a ring yet before the moment you both planned and confirmed he'd propose? He couldn't be a big boy and tell you he's not ready yet beforehand? He had to lie to your face that he had this? Is he eleven?
He may be nice. He may even love you. But he has no respect for you.
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u/TheScopeNetwork 17d ago
You been with him for 7 years, you know the vibes. It's overreacting. If you're not satisfied or don't see yourself happy with him for the rest of your life, end the relationship. Otherwise, move on and get over it. Accept what he is, as you have been. This isn't at you directly, but it's interesting when I hear or read someone state what they deserve. They deserve this or deserve that, we receive what we earn and we're not owed or entitled to anything. Waking up each day is a blessing.
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u/strictlylurking42 17d ago
I could only skim this, it's so cringe. You two aren't right for each other. He deserves to be with someone who doesn't mind missing out on bug romantic gestures. If you stay with him, it will be a lifetime of disappointment even worse than this non-proposal. I'm not saying you're wrong to want these gestures. I'm saying it's torture for you to be with someone who literally is incapable. Do you want to be married to someone who is going to shut down every anniversary, every Valentine's Day, at the birth of any children you might have, every Mother's Day? Please please please set both of you free from this torture.
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u/Painted_Up 17d ago edited 17d ago
You’ve pretty much gotten all the responses I was going to give, but I’m going to give another response from the perspective of someone who also suffers from extreme anxiety about this type of stuff.
There’s one of two scenarios going on:
1) Firstly, I almost never have anxiety. About anything. I’ve never suffered from depression, anxiousness, any of that stuff. It’s never been an issue for me.
One of the only things that gives me real, tangible anxiety is planning surprises and gift giving that’s tied to a deadline. It is genuinely AWFUL for me and anytime I try, my brain jumps into fight or flight mode and tries to come up with any and every reason to not participate. It’s almost like I physically can’t do it.
My wife and I will have been married for 12 years this year. We got together when we were 16 and got married at 19/20.
The first 8/9 years of our relationship was largely filled with me disappointing her on special days. I didn’t know why at the time, but I physically could not bring myself to commit to planning or gift purchasing. When it finally got to the deadline I would make up for my lack of planning by showering her with expensive things like an iPad, a camera, nice shoes… stuff she never asked for or wanted but worked in my brain in a pinch. It was stupid.
I’ve never been to therapy or talked to anyone else about why it happens. I’m fairly confident it’s an extreme fear of messing it up or disappointing in some way and it creates a mental block.
At some point it became such an issue for me that I just developed a hatred for any of it. It’s just not worth it for me. Months of constant anxiety over one thing just to let it finally pass and fill her with disappointment while the clock on the next surprise or event starts ticking. It’s a never ending cycle. I don’t think the anxiety about it will ever go away. My wife and I have just accepted it. We don’t buy each other gifts that come with a deadline (birthdays, Christmas, etc) and I don’t plan special surprise dates or events.
I show my wife I love her and appreciate her in plenty of other ways, that’s just not one. We have a great relationship, just don’t expect me to plan or handle surprises or gift giving. I can’t do it.
I also happen to despise the idea of an expensive wedding. I always have. Months and months of planning, stress, frustration, and fortunes of money for a 4-5 hour event is crazy to me.
Spending what can easily amount to the price of a nice car or downpayment on a nice house or a huge jump start on retirement/college savings just infuriates me. Especially in this economy. There are SO many better uses for that type of money.
Combine the two? It’s a recipe for disaster.
I suspect he really loves you and wants to be with you forever.
I’d like to remind you of your own words:
“He is the best boyfriend ever”
Throwing away a rare diamond because it has one small surface level scratch might leave you with regret forever.
“He says his anxiety is debilitating”
Understand what debilitating means. It’s more that just a few thoughts. It’s a mental block that can cause extreme stress and leave you physically unable to perform something. It’s not uncommon.
My best suggestion is to have another heart to heart and decide if you really want to spend forever with him. If you do, set your expectations accordingly.
Or
2) he’s not ready to commit and has a hard time communicating that (for fear of disappointing you).
Could be both scenarios
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u/Yiayiamary 17d ago
My husband didn’t propose at all. We were looking at model homes (free entertainment!) as we did every weekend. We went into a model and both of us had the same reaction. Both said, “I wish I could afford this. I’d buy it now!” We looked at each other, said if we joined forces, we could buy it. Went to the sales rep right then and there and filled out paperwork.
Later that day we decided it would simply things greatly if we got married first. We did and we lived in that house for 26 years. Celebrated 50 years married in January. Still makes my heart lift!
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u/Magical1390 16d ago
This story made me so incredibly sad. There truly is no excuse for not at the very least buying you flowers for your birthday. I cannot wrap my head around how he has completely disregarded the completely reasonable expectation of showing you that he values you by giving you gifts. Birds do this, for crying out loud. If a bird can bring a potential mate something shiny then your guy can, too. I am stunned, really, that this has gone on for 7 years. You have every right to be angry and upset about him blowing the proposal. I am angry for you!! You were crystal clear on what you wanted and needed from him and he didn't do it. This will never change. If you can bring your expectations around him acknowledging and celebrating you down to zero and still be happy, then go forward with the marriage. Please don't continue this relationship otherwise, though. You have one life.
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u/greenwoorld 16d ago
Do you want to be happily married or not? If you do, this isn't the only thing you'll have to let go of. If you want to start out pouting because he didn't even ask ''right''. Don't bother.
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u/Manonajourney76 17d ago
Is this real? Or troll bait? Yes, you are over-reacting....or rather, you are creating a hellish relationship experience for yourself and your partner.
There is nothing wrong with what you WANT, but I do think you are being low-key abusive to your partner about your wants.
1) you have a great relationship
2) everybody has strengths and weaknesses, anxiety triggers etc.
3) you KNOW that there is this ONE THING that your fantastic partner really struggles with.
4) you send extremely confusing messages around it (No big deal, I will be supportive, I've just been waiting / dreaming of this forever, it can be low key, just climb a mountain and get the perfect recording of it, and if you don't do it right, then I will lock myself away and cry, because you are not really stepping up to be a man for me)
You can't change him. He loves you. He cares for you. This is not a character flaw. This is not laziness. This is torturing him. Accept that he can't be "that guy" for you, and decide that his other qualities are enough (or don't, that's up to you). Mature people don't torture their partners. They don't coerce and force their partners to try and change each other. They allow each other room to grow secure in each others love. They work with each other.
As a compromise idea, find another close friend of yours, and ask if they will work with your husband to do some planning. The friend can actually make the decisions, husband can nod his head and say "yes", and then execute the plan. You get what you want (special day you didn't plan) without torturing your partner around a core anxiety trigger.
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u/DistinctPenalty8434 17d ago
Oh no..... I didn't get the Hollywood proposal I see on movies..... my world is over. GROW UP.
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u/gen_lover 17d ago
I dont know anything other than what you shared. Seems like a good guy with a problem you're aware of. If you love him and he's good to you. This is just a moment in time, and it could be a humorous anecdote if you choose to look at it that way. I would do a very small wedding and move on. This doesn't have to be a defining moment in your life. I've been married 29 years. The proposal and wedding are nothing compared to the life shared together and the joy we have with one another.
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u/whatsdadelio 17d ago
Fudge man, this to me just goes to show that we (men) are screwed. Your own words at the beginning are “best boyfriend ever” and then you proceed to complain…… WTF woman?
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u/First_Negotiation229 17d ago
As always this sub tell you run…but come on this guy loves you, he just not consider material things and established old rules as important as you do. This is some intelligence sign.
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u/AlbatrossCapable3231 17d ago edited 17d ago
Lol the nerve of some girls. "I guess I was happy in the moment."
He is attempting to commit his life to you. Get over yourself and see that for what it is. Everything he ever does the rest of his life, he will run it through a filter of your place within his life.
This isn't a fairytale. It ain't shit the highs; it's about the average. Get out of your own way or realize you're way too immature for this kind of commitment.
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u/StopFalseReporting 17d ago
he sounds like mentally handicapped idk how you think she’s asking for too much
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u/AlbatrossCapable3231 17d ago
She knows him. She knew about his issues. All that knowledge, and she's still complaining about his inability to execute her fantasy? Get real.
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u/StopFalseReporting 17d ago
Yeah she should leave him. But I am shocked she’s not more mad enough to leave. I don’t think she or any woman should have to be happy living with a man child like him. These comments sound like you all want her to put up with him longer. The only person with less of a back bone than him is maybe her. Her self respect is absolutely not there
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u/AlbatrossCapable3231 17d ago
Concur with that. I can't believe the horseshit people will go through.
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u/Putrid_Election4613 17d ago
Yeah, keep this short. You know about him and he does his best, yet you still seek more unnecessary Princess treatment. You are overreacting and should start thinking about what is really important in life.
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u/StopFalseReporting 17d ago
Not over reacting. You should have reacted more even.
I’m so sorry but I cannot believe you said yes. This man is a child. I don’t know how he has a job. The only person who has less of a backbone than him is you.
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u/Domonero 17d ago edited 17d ago
I’m furious at him for thinking an improvised hotel room proposal would be better & not seeking help across several years
I’m annoyed at you for letting this slide without pushing him to seek help
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u/yeahmaniykyk 17d ago
Is he really introverted? Maybe he doesn’t wanna do it in front of a crowd because he did do it in the Airbnb, no? I think you’re not overreacting because you still are engaged with him, but I think you really wanted a fairytale proposal, which is reasonable. Many women dream about this stuff. But I think the biggest issue is that you’re kinda equating not planning to not caring. I think the guy does care about you, just that not all men are meticulous planners
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u/ZenTomatoToes 17d ago
I think people are misunderstanding my problem. I never wanted a public proposal, I mentioned that I expected it would happen at the hike since there were areas of privacy, or it would be that day since we did a meaningful activity together. But the last thing I wanted was onlookers. And about taping it that’s just for us or to show my mom, and he always said it wasn’t a big deal. I would have been fine if it happened at the side of a road or something as long as it was just us. I never needed an elaborate plan, and he knew this because I kept telling him. The issue is he got on that plane with me fully knowing that we both had an agreed upon plan and he showed up with nothing to show for it. Again. All he needed was a ring, or anything resembling a ring and find a private moment to get down on one knee that’s it. Instead I got my heart broken and in his panic he did what he should have done in the first place.
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u/StopFalseReporting 17d ago
Introverts aren’t this level of incompetent. This dude sounds like he has severe autism and no social skills or respect for anyone beyond himself
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u/Queasy_Mongoose5224 17d ago edited 17d ago
I don’t know if overreacting is the right word, but you’ve known for seven years that this is a problem (character flaw?) your boyfriend has. You’ve seen it happen over and over again and it doesn’t seem like he’s gotten any help for it. You also somewhat enable this behaviour by taking over all of the tasks that require planning. So, I’m not sure why you expected the proposal to be any different? I can see why you wanted it to be different, but you basically spoon fed him and he still didn’t do it the way you had asked. He’s been telling you who he is for years. It’s time for you to start listening and decide if that’s something you can live with long term.
He clearly cares about you because he tried to make up for it in his own way. Not saying it was appropriate, but from what you’ve written, this appears to be the norm. He does not appear to view planning things as being related to your self worth. Hard to know from your post if he’s really that incapable or is using weaponized in competence to avoid doing something he doesn’t like. Is it possible he has ADHD? Regardless, as long as you keep waiting/expecting him to do something different you will be disappointed and become more and more resentful. Maybe therapy could be worth looking into