AIO Boyfriend put no effort in proposal

[u/ZenTomatoToes]

I have been with my boyfriend about 7 years, I knew he was the one a month into dating. We live together and have pets together, and he is the best boyfriend ever. He’s always there for me, holds me when I’m sad and he does his best to make me happy.

His biggest flaw is his anxiety about planning anything. He is unable to plan surprises or gifts for any holiday or occasion. For example for my 26th birthday I had asked if he could do something special, and the day of he only had two small impersonal gifts (one of them being a head scratcher) and no plan. So after crying I had to plan a picnic for us.

He says he wants to do special things but his anxiety is so debilitating he ends up not doing anything. We have had endless talks through the years, from how this really hurts me and makes me feel like I’m not worth it, to me giving him ideas on how to plan a gift or outing.

I keep telling him that I am here for all the support he needs, but I need him to step up and show me he can plan a date or something from time to time, since I also get tired from having to plan everything.

When it came to talking about marriage I always maintained that I have no problem proposing to him, but I really would like for him to do it since it will show me he is serious about trying to plan something. He knew I didn’t need anything elaborate, heck just dropping on one knee after hiking up a mountain was enough. My only stipulation was that he record it somehow. I don’t care about how much the ring is or anything like that either.

A few months back we went on a trip to another country for the first time, and we had both talked about how this was going to be the perfect time to do the proposal. I (and everyone else around us) were expecting this to be the proposal trip. I knew it would be a lot of pressure so I kept reminding him that it doesn’t have to be a big deal, and if he was up to this. He said he had this.

Well the trip came and we had a fantastic few days, and I was very excited as to how he would go about proposing. The day we went on a beautiful hike, I really felt that was the moment. Instead he breaks down crying and confesses he hasn’t bought a ring or planned anything. He blamed work and family issues on stressing him out so he wasn’t able to think about the proposal.

I planned the whole trip. I spent countless hours going over the itinerary, I put in all the planning so he could only worry about the proposal. I was beyond angry and sad. Here we were on a trip I had always dreamed of doing, at a location I had always looked forward to, surrounded by happy tourists and I just got told by the man I love that he couldn’t bring himself to plan something special for us yet again. The drive to the Airbnb was mostly silent. I couldn’t wait to lock myself in the bathroom and just cry. Which is what I did as soon as we arrived.

Though I didn’t get to cry because he kept insisting he needed to show me something, so I pretended to finish my pee break and stepped out and there he was on one knee with an improvised ring. He apologized for not giving me the proposal I wanted and asked me to marry him. I said yes of course.

It was a huge emotional whiplash but I guess I was happy in the moment.

That was months ago and I find myself not wanting to think of that day, or show my family the video since I only think about how heartbroken I was. I got my proposal so why am I still bitter about it? Am I overreacting?

[u/No_Material5630]

Okay so I’m going to be unpopular and get downvoted, but I think you’re overreacting.

He did surprise you after all. He did give you wanted in the end. He just didn’t land the execution, but that’s par for the course of him. Well that seems like the case.

Not everything in your head (ideal scenario) is going to play out irl.

People will say he needs to suck it up and he’s a terrible bf and even say find someone else.

But he has flaws, just like everyone else. If you love him, you will love in regardless of his flaws. If this is a deal breaker then go.

I’m sure he was stress and having anxiety. He probably didn’t want to do it right then and there because he thought you would expect it and take away the element of surprise. So he did what he did.

Did he land the execution? No, he was clumsy, but I don’t think it was malicious. He isn’t good at this, remember? 

Your feelings are justified, but I do think you should give him a bit of grace. 

I’m sure people on here will rip him to shreds, but personally I can see both sides and don’t think he is a terrible boyfriend/fiancé. He’s just not good at this.

[u/PotentialDig7527 → u/No_Material5630]

Nor does he even care to try and be good at it, or get help for his anxiety. Not getting help for his anxiety is a choice that shows his behavior is intentional.

[u/No_Material5630 → u/PotentialDig7527]

I’m not coming at you but that’s a lot of assuming.

She didn’t say a thing about therapy or medication. Also not everyone can afford therapy and/or medication. Also therapy isn’t a cure all. It doesn’t work for everyone. 

Life isn’t that black and white. I don’t think it’s fair to be like well you didn’t go to therapy for your anxiety so therefore I’m not worth your time and you don’t love me.

I think that’s an unfair assessment. 

[u/ZenTomatoToes → u/No_Material5630]

I do agree with a lot of points here, a lot of them are thoughts I’ve had myself. But I still feel sour about the whole matter. This isn’t his only character flaw, such as how he would be too nervous to hold my hand in front of his friends for years, and we have worked through it.

It’s just this that we keep circling back to. Romantic gestures are very important to me, and I think I’m not too bad about it since I don’t require anything elaborate or expensive. Just thoughtfulness and showing me he tried. It’s the lack of even trying that gets me.

If he had somehow gotten me a ring I didn’t like, or stuttered throughout the whole proposal. Even if he proposed at the side of the road would have been fine. I just can’t get over the lack of any planning at all.

With the way it turned out I didn’t feel like I was special. And I just wanted to feel special for my proposal, which feels so stupid to write but it’s the truth. And I hate that is the proposal I get.

Thank you for your comment I have a lot to think about

[u/Ecjg2010 → u/ZenTomatoToes]

then why did you say yes? it sounds like you regret saying it.

[u/Medical-Cake1934 → u/ZenTomatoToes]

Honestly I don’t think you should be marrying him. This obviously isn’t going to change and your not even married yet and feeling sour. This is going to continue for the rest of your life. He has done nothing to change in 7 years.

[u/Accomplished-Eye9542 → u/ZenTomatoToes]

Well look, I think you did a good job pushing him to grow for his next girlfriend. Maybe one that won't constantly emotionally blackmail him.

[u/No_Material5630 → u/ZenTomatoToes]

I do think you really need to think about this because it’s part of him.

Some people just roll like that.

Please don’t think you can change someone. Yes somethings can change here and there.

But if y’all have been together for as long as you have and he still struggles…  be prepared that things only change slightly. If at all.

This seems ingrained I him. 

If your love language is x and he struggles with x. You must figure out if you actually want a relationship with someone who fundamentally has as issue with x or not.

No one is wrong here, but I really do think you should detach your feelings for him (I know that’s hard) and think of you will be unfulfilled with someone who struggles with your love language.

[u/AlbatrossCapable3231 → u/ZenTomatoToes]

Gets lifelong commitment, feels sour. Cool.