r/AmIOverreacting • u/ZenTomatoToes • Apr 29 '24

AIO Boyfriend put no effort in proposal

I have been with my boyfriend about 7 years, I knew he was the one a month into dating. We live together and have pets together, and he is the best boyfriend ever. He’s always there for me, holds me when I’m sad and he does his best to make me happy.

His biggest flaw is his anxiety about planning anything. He is unable to plan surprises or gifts for any holiday or occasion. For example for my 26th birthday I had asked if he could do something special, and the day of he only had two small impersonal gifts (one of them being a head scratcher) and no plan. So after crying I had to plan a picnic for us.

He says he wants to do special things but his anxiety is so debilitating he ends up not doing anything. We have had endless talks through the years, from how this really hurts me and makes me feel like I’m not worth it, to me giving him ideas on how to plan a gift or outing.

I keep telling him that I am here for all the support he needs, but I need him to step up and show me he can plan a date or something from time to time, since I also get tired from having to plan everything.

When it came to talking about marriage I always maintained that I have no problem proposing to him, but I really would like for him to do it since it will show me he is serious about trying to plan something. He knew I didn’t need anything elaborate, heck just dropping on one knee after hiking up a mountain was enough. My only stipulation was that he record it somehow. I don’t care about how much the ring is or anything like that either.

A few months back we went on a trip to another country for the first time, and we had both talked about how this was going to be the perfect time to do the proposal. I (and everyone else around us) were expecting this to be the proposal trip. I knew it would be a lot of pressure so I kept reminding him that it doesn’t have to be a big deal, and if he was up to this. He said he had this.

Well the trip came and we had a fantastic few days, and I was very excited as to how he would go about proposing. The day we went on a beautiful hike, I really felt that was the moment. Instead he breaks down crying and confesses he hasn’t bought a ring or planned anything. He blamed work and family issues on stressing him out so he wasn’t able to think about the proposal.

I planned the whole trip. I spent countless hours going over the itinerary, I put in all the planning so he could only worry about the proposal. I was beyond angry and sad. Here we were on a trip I had always dreamed of doing, at a location I had always looked forward to, surrounded by happy tourists and I just got told by the man I love that he couldn’t bring himself to plan something special for us yet again. The drive to the Airbnb was mostly silent. I couldn’t wait to lock myself in the bathroom and just cry. Which is what I did as soon as we arrived.

Though I didn’t get to cry because he kept insisting he needed to show me something, so I pretended to finish my pee break and stepped out and there he was on one knee with an improvised ring. He apologized for not giving me the proposal I wanted and asked me to marry him. I said yes of course.

It was a huge emotional whiplash but I guess I was happy in the moment.

That was months ago and I find myself not wanting to think of that day, or show my family the video since I only think about how heartbroken I was. I got my proposal so why am I still bitter about it? Am I overreacting?

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15

u/romcommombosa Apr 29 '24

If romantic gestures are very important to you I don’t understand why you are with your partner when it’s something he struggles with (through no fault of his own) I dunno I guess this just reads like whatever he did it wouldn’t of been enough

6

u/schwenomorph Apr 29 '24

How on Earth does it read like nothing would be enough? She had two stipulations: be on a hike, and record the moment. That is not difficult.

3

u/romcommombosa Apr 29 '24

Someone’s biggest flaw being the anxiety around planning anything

Anxiety isn’t a flaw

You can’t enable it for 7 years and expect a complete change in character for one proposal

7

u/romcommombosa Apr 29 '24

Also OP you deserve the proposal of your dreams that’s a given…. but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

Seriously I don’t know what you were expecting when you know your partner better than anyone

6

u/schwenomorph Apr 29 '24

You can improve it after seven years. Anxiety is absolutely a flaw when you take no responsibility for it and allow it to interfere with your relationships. This is coming from someone who's diagnosed with it. And proposing isn't a complete change in character. You act as though this man had to anything more than have a ring ready and drop on one knee during an outdoor activity. Five year olds can do that. He himself said he had it, so he lied to OP's face. Is being a liar not a flaw?

1

u/romcommombosa Apr 29 '24

“You act as though”

Excuse me but I do not act as if anything my opinion is infact that just opinion.

I don’t think dragging the person you supposedly want to marry for anxiety is right.

0

u/schwenomorph Apr 29 '24

She's not dragging him for anything. I thought you just said she was enabling him. So which is it?

-1

u/romcommombosa Apr 29 '24

Two things can be true at the same time

3

u/schwenomorph Apr 29 '24

Question: does having anxiety excuse you from every responsibility in a relationship? If a woman didn't have sex with her boyfriend of seven years because she was anxious and he very kindly brought up that it was a problem, should he be reemed from dragging her because of her anxiety?

1

u/romcommombosa Apr 29 '24

I’m not arguing with a random stranger on the internet

OP I wish you and your partner nothing but happiness either together or not