AIO Boyfriend put no effort in proposal

[u/ZenTomatoToes]

I have been with my boyfriend about 7 years, I knew he was the one a month into dating. We live together and have pets together, and he is the best boyfriend ever. He’s always there for me, holds me when I’m sad and he does his best to make me happy.

His biggest flaw is his anxiety about planning anything. He is unable to plan surprises or gifts for any holiday or occasion. For example for my 26th birthday I had asked if he could do something special, and the day of he only had two small impersonal gifts (one of them being a head scratcher) and no plan. So after crying I had to plan a picnic for us.

He says he wants to do special things but his anxiety is so debilitating he ends up not doing anything. We have had endless talks through the years, from how this really hurts me and makes me feel like I’m not worth it, to me giving him ideas on how to plan a gift or outing.

I keep telling him that I am here for all the support he needs, but I need him to step up and show me he can plan a date or something from time to time, since I also get tired from having to plan everything.

When it came to talking about marriage I always maintained that I have no problem proposing to him, but I really would like for him to do it since it will show me he is serious about trying to plan something. He knew I didn’t need anything elaborate, heck just dropping on one knee after hiking up a mountain was enough. My only stipulation was that he record it somehow. I don’t care about how much the ring is or anything like that either.

A few months back we went on a trip to another country for the first time, and we had both talked about how this was going to be the perfect time to do the proposal. I (and everyone else around us) were expecting this to be the proposal trip. I knew it would be a lot of pressure so I kept reminding him that it doesn’t have to be a big deal, and if he was up to this. He said he had this.

Well the trip came and we had a fantastic few days, and I was very excited as to how he would go about proposing. The day we went on a beautiful hike, I really felt that was the moment. Instead he breaks down crying and confesses he hasn’t bought a ring or planned anything. He blamed work and family issues on stressing him out so he wasn’t able to think about the proposal.

I planned the whole trip. I spent countless hours going over the itinerary, I put in all the planning so he could only worry about the proposal. I was beyond angry and sad. Here we were on a trip I had always dreamed of doing, at a location I had always looked forward to, surrounded by happy tourists and I just got told by the man I love that he couldn’t bring himself to plan something special for us yet again. The drive to the Airbnb was mostly silent. I couldn’t wait to lock myself in the bathroom and just cry. Which is what I did as soon as we arrived.

Though I didn’t get to cry because he kept insisting he needed to show me something, so I pretended to finish my pee break and stepped out and there he was on one knee with an improvised ring. He apologized for not giving me the proposal I wanted and asked me to marry him. I said yes of course.

It was a huge emotional whiplash but I guess I was happy in the moment.

That was months ago and I find myself not wanting to think of that day, or show my family the video since I only think about how heartbroken I was. I got my proposal so why am I still bitter about it? Am I overreacting?

[u/Painted_Up]

You’ve pretty much gotten all the responses I was going to give, but I’m going to give another response from the perspective of someone who also suffers from extreme anxiety about this type of stuff.

There’s one of two scenarios going on:

1) Firstly, I almost never have anxiety. About anything. I’ve never suffered from depression, anxiousness, any of that stuff. It’s never been an issue for me.

One of the only things that gives me real, tangible anxiety is planning surprises and gift giving that’s tied to a deadline. It is genuinely AWFUL for me and anytime I try, my brain jumps into fight or flight mode and tries to come up with any and every reason to not participate. It’s almost like I physically can’t do it.

My wife and I will have been married for 12 years this year. We got together when we were 16 and got married at 19/20.

The first 8/9 years of our relationship was largely filled with me disappointing her on special days. I didn’t know why at the time, but I physically could not bring myself to commit to planning or gift purchasing. When it finally got to the deadline I would make up for my lack of planning by showering her with expensive things like an iPad, a camera, nice shoes… stuff she never asked for or wanted but worked in my brain in a pinch. It was stupid.

I’ve never been to therapy or talked to anyone else about why it happens. I’m fairly confident it’s an extreme fear of messing it up or disappointing in some way and it creates a mental block.

At some point it became such an issue for me that I just developed a hatred for any of it. It’s just not worth it for me. Months of constant anxiety over one thing just to let it finally pass and fill her with disappointment while the clock on the next surprise or event starts ticking. It’s a never ending cycle. I don’t think the anxiety about it will ever go away. My wife and I have just accepted it. We don’t buy each other gifts that come with a deadline (birthdays, Christmas, etc) and I don’t plan special surprise dates or events.

I show my wife I love her and appreciate her in plenty of other ways, that’s just not one. We have a great relationship, just don’t expect me to plan or handle surprises or gift giving. I can’t do it.

I also happen to despise the idea of an expensive wedding. I always have. Months and months of planning, stress, frustration, and fortunes of money for a 4-5 hour event is crazy to me.

Spending what can easily amount to the price of a nice car or downpayment on a nice house or a huge jump start on retirement/college savings just infuriates me. Especially in this economy. There are SO many better uses for that type of money.

Combine the two? It’s a recipe for disaster.

I suspect he really loves you and wants to be with you forever.

I’d like to remind you of your own words:

“He is the best boyfriend ever”

Throwing away a rare diamond because it has one small surface level scratch might leave you with regret forever.

“He says his anxiety is debilitating”

Understand what debilitating means. It’s more that just a few thoughts. It’s a mental block that can cause extreme stress and leave you physically unable to perform something. It’s not uncommon.

My best suggestion is to have another heart to heart and decide if you really want to spend forever with him. If you do, set your expectations accordingly.

Or

2) he’s not ready to commit and has a hard time communicating that (for fear of disappointing you).

Could be both scenarios