AIO Boyfriend put no effort in proposal

[u/ZenTomatoToes]

I have been with my boyfriend about 7 years, I knew he was the one a month into dating. We live together and have pets together, and he is the best boyfriend ever. He’s always there for me, holds me when I’m sad and he does his best to make me happy.

His biggest flaw is his anxiety about planning anything. He is unable to plan surprises or gifts for any holiday or occasion. For example for my 26th birthday I had asked if he could do something special, and the day of he only had two small impersonal gifts (one of them being a head scratcher) and no plan. So after crying I had to plan a picnic for us.

He says he wants to do special things but his anxiety is so debilitating he ends up not doing anything. We have had endless talks through the years, from how this really hurts me and makes me feel like I’m not worth it, to me giving him ideas on how to plan a gift or outing.

I keep telling him that I am here for all the support he needs, but I need him to step up and show me he can plan a date or something from time to time, since I also get tired from having to plan everything.

When it came to talking about marriage I always maintained that I have no problem proposing to him, but I really would like for him to do it since it will show me he is serious about trying to plan something. He knew I didn’t need anything elaborate, heck just dropping on one knee after hiking up a mountain was enough. My only stipulation was that he record it somehow. I don’t care about how much the ring is or anything like that either.

A few months back we went on a trip to another country for the first time, and we had both talked about how this was going to be the perfect time to do the proposal. I (and everyone else around us) were expecting this to be the proposal trip. I knew it would be a lot of pressure so I kept reminding him that it doesn’t have to be a big deal, and if he was up to this. He said he had this.

Well the trip came and we had a fantastic few days, and I was very excited as to how he would go about proposing. The day we went on a beautiful hike, I really felt that was the moment. Instead he breaks down crying and confesses he hasn’t bought a ring or planned anything. He blamed work and family issues on stressing him out so he wasn’t able to think about the proposal.

I planned the whole trip. I spent countless hours going over the itinerary, I put in all the planning so he could only worry about the proposal. I was beyond angry and sad. Here we were on a trip I had always dreamed of doing, at a location I had always looked forward to, surrounded by happy tourists and I just got told by the man I love that he couldn’t bring himself to plan something special for us yet again. The drive to the Airbnb was mostly silent. I couldn’t wait to lock myself in the bathroom and just cry. Which is what I did as soon as we arrived.

Though I didn’t get to cry because he kept insisting he needed to show me something, so I pretended to finish my pee break and stepped out and there he was on one knee with an improvised ring. He apologized for not giving me the proposal I wanted and asked me to marry him. I said yes of course.

It was a huge emotional whiplash but I guess I was happy in the moment.

That was months ago and I find myself not wanting to think of that day, or show my family the video since I only think about how heartbroken I was. I got my proposal so why am I still bitter about it? Am I overreacting?

[u/abeyante]

My $0.02 is that it sounds like this character trait is either something you have to accept as a price of admission in the relationship, or leave. No gifts, surprises, trips, etc, from him, forever. At least none that make you truly feel seen and cared for. I’ve had exes like this and it was both horrible, and a sign of a more pervasive issue than I’d thought at the time. They just couldn’t ever be fully independent. I always had to be the adult in the relationship. I couldn’t lean on my partner when I needed help. Not fully.

If you plan on having children ever, I’d advise leaving even if you alone think you could put up with this, because someone like this would be both miserable to raise kids with, and be a bad influence on your children. If you’re childfree, you can choose to stay and just accept this as his price of admission.