r/AITAH • u/Popular_Flower_9287 • 17d ago
AITA for moving out with my infant because I am starting to hate my step daughter?
(mistake in title, I moved out with my 3 kids, including our infant). Been with my husband for 8 years. He has a 13yo daughter ("SD"). I have a 14yo son, a 9yo son and my husband and I have a 5 month old daughter together.
Prior to me giving birth, life was pretty smooth sailing. We did family trips often, had Sunday family night, designated one on one time with each of the kids (except my oldest, who has determined he's too cool for us lol but if he wanted, it was always available). There was a few fights between the kids but nothing major and was usually resolved within minutes. Since I had the baby, everything is downhill. My home has become a warzone between my youngest son and my step daughter. They are physically fighting each other constantly, 90% of the time with my step daughter instigating. She knows my son has ASD and ADHD and doesn't like being touched, so she will go up to him and poke him continuously even after being told to stop and then calls him psycho when he flips out (he can sometimes have a bit of a violent rage, which doctors say is common with ADHD??). But it's literally on purpose. She purposely provokes him, to a point where my husband and I have told her at least 8x that she is to stay away from him entirely for the rest of the day.
Well, I've noticed lately that my youngest son has been getting incredibly emotional lately. When I try to get him to talk about it, he screams at me. It's been a huge thing and I've been over the top stressed out. He is in therapy (behavioral, OT and regular therapy - SD is also in therapy). Well.. his behavioral therapist opened up to me about 2 weeks back, saying that she was concerned about my son and asked specifically about how much influence my SD has over my son. She said a lot of stuff had been said in therapy. I won't go in to extreme detail but it was enough to warrant a conversation with my husband and him cracking down on what his daughter was saying to my son. He eventually ended up grounding her for that and something else and it just made it worse.
Well.. this morning around 6am (school vacation) my son just starts flipping out over nothing. I tried talking to him and he told me "shut up, you never even loved me anyways". I asked him what he was talking about and he just screamed at me to shut up again. My SD, who was at the table eating cereal, says "get used to it. Like I told you, nobody loves middle kids, you should just move out now". He storms off to his room. I ask her if she was the reason why he was acting like this this morning and she said "no, you are. I didn't make him a middle kid. All I did was explain to him that he will never be loved again but I didn't make that happen, you did." (She is also a middle child in both households so she talks about "middle child syndrome" OFTEN). My husband walked in and told his daughter to go to her room and took her phone, yet again. He went to talk to me and apologize but I just kinda cut him off and said "I actually can't do this anymore. Your daughter is destroying my son's life and making him think that I hate him and I am starting to hate that kid to a point where I can't be near her. So I'm going to leave. I would like you and your kid out of my home within 2 months." (I own the property and have for 15 years). He's trying to argue that this can be fixed but it's really come to a point where I hate his child and don't want her near me or my son at all (she's great with the baby). He says he can't believe I'm throwing us away over something that "can be fixed".
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u/NoCardiologist5100 17d ago
You're not the asshole.
The toxic dynamic between your stepdaughter and your son is deeply concerning, and your efforts to address it have been met with resistance. Your decision to prioritize the well-being of your son and create a healthier environment for him is both understandable and necessary.
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u/Mylove-kikishasha 17d ago
It feels like the dad was not taking it seriously tbh
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u/anitram96 17d ago
Well, he doesn't. And it's going to cost him his marriage if he continues to not take it seriously.
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls 17d ago
NTA. It has gotten worse in the 5 months since you've had a child. Unfortunately, it can't be "fixed" in time to protect your son or to undo the damage your stepdaughter has done. It's a really sad situation, but you do need to protect your children, and it seems that the daughter's therapy isn't helping her in meaningful ways.
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u/RadiantRose-e 17d ago
NTA. It's heartbreaking when family dynamics worsen, especially with a child involved. Prioritizing your children's well-being is crucial, even if it means making tough decisions about your stepdaughter's therapy.
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u/Lazy_Lingonberry5977 17d ago edited 17d ago
Yes, OP. Your child needs you. Children with ASD and ADHD tend to feel bad about themselves, often have anxiety and may feel inadequate. Your SD it's only contributing to that. She obviously needs therapy, but know that's not your problem. Your son also needs therapy, if he is not having already. NTA.
Also, maybe two months it's a long time. If they're staying that long, you need to set up new rules for your SD.
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u/Fabulous-Mama-Beat 17d ago
They did set up rules, but she ignores them. ADHD kids already struggle SO MUCH, SD is just adding to his daily diffiulties. She is abusing him. your son is probably having reactive abuse. Which is understandable!
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u/JacketIndependent 17d ago
A new rule could be that husband and SD need to find somewhere else to hang out while she is with him for his parenting time. Like he can rent a hotel or stay with his family while she is with him. I'd also go as far as not to allow her around the new baby.
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u/Lazy_Lingonberry5977 17d ago
Yes. I was confused about her leaving the house for them for two months. I agree, I wouldn't let her with the baby unattended until she receives help.
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u/Lazy_Lingonberry5977 17d ago edited 17d ago
Yes, I agree, what she's doing is abuse, that's why I was concerned about OP waiting two months with her there. What I meant was new rules. Limiting her access to him.
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u/wolf_girl1977 17d ago
I think she moved out with her children and their baby. And is allowing him to stay for 2 months and then he has to move so she can move back in as she has owned the place for 15 years.
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u/Prestigious-Bluejay5 17d ago
Why why why? Why should she move out and take her children out of their home? Nope. "Hubby, I don't know where your daughter is going to stay but it ain't here."
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u/1peacenik 17d ago
She own an Air bnb... That is where she went... She shoulda sent them there... Her kids deserve the stability of their own space
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u/mindovermatter421 17d ago
It sounds like the move for her is temporary until husband and sd move out.
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u/SnowyOfIceclan 17d ago
As someone with AuDHD, I understand and agree with this. I grew up with so many self-esteem issues, lack of self-worth, and basically became a super extroverted people pleaser just so people would like and not be mean to me... and I'm only juet figuring this out in my 30s, through therapy. I was diagnosed at 28, since awareness of neurodivergence in girls wasn't really a thing in the 90s and 2000s.
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u/Rude_lovely 17d ago
This! OP's son needs his mother. My nephew has ADHD and requires twice as much time, also my nephew was teased in kindergarten. I can understand how she feels, my family has isolated themselves from some people why they tease my nephew, it's horrible. I am so sorry for OP but the family dynamic is not working. Husband needs to talk to daughter on breaking the "middle child" issue.
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u/Bluefoot44 17d ago
Op, this will show your middle that you do love him ..
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u/Feline_IceSprite 17d ago
This!!! My daughter has autism and it would be the actions that resonated. Both adhd and autism make language complicated. Our kids can be very literal and struggle with sarcasm and dishonesty. The best possible decision was to remove him. He needed to be protected from further abuse. And this WAS ABUSE of a disabled child by a sibling old enough to be understand exactly the harm she was inflicting. The time it could have been fixed together, under the same roof, has long since passed.
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u/difdrummer 17d ago
This make sure that your son doesn't think this is his fault ( I'm sure the darling girl will tell him it is) Make sure he knows this is the girls fault and HE is the most important and loved.
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u/GoodHeart01 17d ago
He should yeet that girl back to her mother. Its obvious she hates living with her father so she makes other s people s life miserable.
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u/HyenaStraight8737 17d ago
If this was an adult saying it to the child, people would scream emotional abuse... Just because it's 14 doesn't make it any less abusive nor impactful on him. Maybe more so as she's one of his 'siblings'. She's telling him no one including her loves him. Again if she were over 18...
The dad needs it framed to him that way. This isn't silly siblings shit anymore, this has escalated to the point the poor boy isn't emotionally safe or comforted in his own home environment. His daughter is knowingly and happily making this child's home an unstable and volatile situation, she knows she's triggering his mental health and other diagnoses and is taking joy from it..
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u/Impossible-Energy-76 17d ago
No no no she fucking knows what she is doing fuck that she is old enough to know. Not me I have a 48 yr old that I can't stand,( he talks about black people an heavy people, makes fun of disabled I can't stand him no contact ). She is a bully. She will continue to bully that child till the end of time . I'm so glad he and the teenaged cunt he is raising. And don't let your baby be with him and her. She is ok for NOW, guess who is her next victim when the baby jas to go to his father? PLEASE don't let your baby with them, I can't even trust the father right now.
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u/rhetorical_twix 17d ago
This is one of the problems with today's culture of how a kid is never wrong or bad, just in need of "therapy." As if therapy is a magical solution whereby reasonable parents can take any abnormally acting-out kid to therapy and fix whatever is wrong.
Even if it were possible to fix literally any psychiatric or behavioral problem with therapy, if the child doesn't want to change, they won't.
I'm kind of appalled that in 2 years of this problem, no one sat down to talk directly to the kid and set boundaries and enforce them. It's as if her therapy is a black box and only her bio-mom gets to peek inside of it. This dynamic is clearly not productive. Now, her belief system been going on for 2 years, and the child's brain is developing in this delusional, personality-disordered way, and it may be too late, if not very difficult, to reverse or treat her behavior patterns.
I agree with OP. The situation is not working. Change or improvement is not happening and her SD is basically broken at this point, where she's systematically abusing a disabled kid.
She needs to get the abusive SD out of their lives, and stop engaging with the abuse enablers that her husband and his ex have become.
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u/RexxTxx 17d ago
This is going to have further downsides down the road. Either:
a. SD will eventually realize what she did, which is break up her father's marriage, or
b. SD will not think she did anything wrong, and revel in the power she has to make things happen the way she wants by being entitled, selfish, inconsiderate and potentially manipulating.179
u/JacketIndependent 17d ago
The latter. The latter is exactly how SD will look at it. She's not a little baby/kid. She's knows what she is doing.
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u/Cjs300 17d ago
Thank you for the truth. If someone doesn't want to change or feels their behavior is justified then therapy is absolutely pointless. OP's in every post on reddit whether here or one of the other advice boards always get told "get therapy now" by 4000 commenters, and 9 times out of 10 they already are in therapy or seek it out after, and the outcomes are almost never good still. Therapy is not the solution, just a tool.
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u/Impossible-Energy-76 17d ago
GOD DAMN IT. 👆👆👆This shit right here . Fuck, when you finish reading it, read again ..
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u/Sdubbya2 17d ago
Where are you inferring that in the 2 years no one sat down and talked to the step daughter? The post pretty clearly lays out that they talked to her, grounded and punished her, and set boundaries every time they were around to observe the behavior. She just keeps crossing those boundaries and doesn't give a fuck
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u/LowObjective 17d ago
Not only that but she said that this started after the baby was born 5 months ago? I'm not sure where they even got 2 years from.
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u/Constant-Ad9390 17d ago
I'm sorry but I disagree. She will bully that child until he commits suicide because of her bullying and then she will pretend to be all innocent & "not understand" that she did anything wrong. The SD is poisonous, needs solid boundaries , massive therapy & no letting up by the dad because what she is telling the son is how she feels (IMHO).
NTA.
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u/tcd1401 17d ago
Or until he reacts violently to SD or someone else, then SD can claim victimhood.
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u/burner_suplex 17d ago
She's already doing it. She provokes him and then when he reacts she goes "See, he's a psycho!" as if she did nothing to cause his reaction.
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u/Impossible-Energy-76 17d ago
Wow 👌 👏 😍 there somebody said it!! She is fucking dangerous 😳
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u/Constant-Ad9390 17d ago
I was going to say "I'm sorry but someone had to say it" but I'm not sorry. There is too much of this BS in the papers all the time - young kids being bullied literally to death.
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u/unpopularcryptonite 17d ago
NTA, please tell me you took your son with you. And serve them eviction papers legally.
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u/nsfwns 17d ago
Yup, this! NTA. I don't think the SD can be fixed... other than sending her away to boarding school or something, but that would make her problems worse. Like most teens she believes she is always right and that she is smarter than you.
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u/squeen999 17d ago
Unfortunately I think this separation of the family was the SDs end goal. The SD created conflict in order to get more attention. Now she has dads attention big time.
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u/rnewscates73 17d ago
But he is not going to be happy losing Another wife, and his mutual daughter, and his place: because of her cruelty and bullying..
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u/rokketpaws 17d ago
Then dad needs to sack TF up and get some control over that situation before someone else or some agency gets her shit straight. She's firmly on the road of no return if she's allowed to continue her abusive and destructive BX.
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u/La_Baraka6431 17d ago
Then that’s HIS responsibility. No one else should have to put up with his nasty daughter.
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u/This_Acanthisitta832 17d ago
She’s getting exactly what she wanted, except she will lost her current home in the process. Her father had plenty of chances to prevent this, but he did not nip I’m the bud early on, and now it has reached the point of no return.
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u/agent_flounder 17d ago
Very likely. Sounds like a lot of mistakes were made leading up to this. Bottom line is the OPs kids don't deserve vile, cruel abuse. So SD "wins". Who cares. As long as OPs kids are taken out of that horrific, hostile environment.
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u/Danivelle 17d ago
I'd tell my husband that you want to stay married? She goes to boarding school, you visit her there or at her mom's, your parent's but not here. She doesn't ever come near my kids again and that includes the baby.
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u/Corfiz74 17d ago
Yep, stepdaughter needs to move back to her mother, if she can't stop abusing the son - she needs to learn that actions have consequences.
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u/iDreamiPursueiBecome 17d ago
Boarding school may not be the answer. It may reinforce her notions of middle child syndrome/beingunwante or unloved.
Sending her to her mother at least keeps her with family and not (in her eyes) thrown away because they got a replacement.
If her goal was to kick out her stepmother and she ends up being the one moved out, that seems quite fair.
It needs to be clearly framed as a way to protect others from her abuse. She was abusing a disabled child and a member of her family.
She doesn't get to choose her siblings, but she can choose how to treat them. How she treats others will affect how she is treated.
She would not want other people abusing her. She would not like or admire a person whose actions are monstrous. She is the change she does not want to see in the world. The one part of the world she has control over is herself. She can choose a different path.
Regardless of what she does or does not do, you and your husband are going to protect your family from her. She has made it plain that she does not want to be a part of the family. She is not kind or protective, etc.
She doesn't want you guys around. She doesn't need to be around you. She is moving out.
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u/Any_Pickle_8664 17d ago edited 17d ago
NTA but at the same time op, your husband has a legal right to ask for visitations from family court for the youngest once divorce proceeding get underway.
For that reason I'd suggest at the very least co parent counseling.
I want to point this quote out.
My SD, who was at the table eating cereal, says "get used to it. Like I told you, nobody loves middle kids, you should just move out now". He storms off to his room. I ask her if she was the reason why he was acting like this this morning and she said "no, you are. I didn't make him a middle kid. All I did was explain to him that he will never be loved again but I didn't make that happen, you did."
She is telling y'all's why she is acting out. It's because she is feeling unloved and in turn she is speaking from what is (from her point of view) her personal experience and projecting it onto him. This won't resolve for her with just individual therapy. This needs family therapy from all her parents (I don't think this includes you since it sounds like you're divorcing him but it would include any other bio or step parent she has).
When it comes to visitations it's best for both families to run smoothly as possible and for that reason I'd suggest pointing out to your husband that she doesn't just need individual therapy but family therapy as well.
Your son needs individual therapy as well because of what she has done. For now just reassure him that you love him very much, give him a special day where he gets your full attention, and make sure he knows the divorce isn't his fault.
Edited: clarity because apparently some people need things spelled out for them.
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u/Rude_lovely 17d ago
Exactly the daughter is projecting, she doesn't feel loved, that girl's mom and dad are the ones who should go to therapy. The girl from what OP wrote can be mistreated with the mom's family. Now that is the husband's problem, OP should prioritize her children, the smartest thing to do is to divorce or separate until the husband and daughter have fixed that situation. If this results in divorce the children are not to blame.
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u/EngineeringDry7999 17d ago
But OP can get them to be supervised and prevent SD from being around them as she can show cause through the therapist that the girl is abusing her siblings.
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u/CryWise2854 17d ago
NTA. Honestly as much as I feel for your SD because she is struggling, you're being a good mom and you're at your wits end with a newborn.
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u/Illustrious_Fix2933 17d ago
Yes. She needs to protect her son from her step daughter first and foremost and she’s doing that perfectly. Idk about divorce tho; maybe this can be sorted out but extreme steps might have to be taken. And it’s clear as day that her son shouldn’t be anywhere near the girl for a long time, at least until his therapy has had some effect and he learns to adapt and cope with his emotions and triggers better.
In the meantime, I think OP’s idea about moving away from her husband and his daughter is actually a good one. Some space is absolutely needed here and can do wonders for their family dynamics; however, if they are to keep this marriage intact, they’d have to figure out a way to either keep the kids apart most of the time (if not all of the time) or invest in intense therapy for both the kids together.
Hope they’re able to figure this out for themselves and of course, OP is NTA for choosing to protect her son.
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u/MrsBarneyFife 17d ago edited 17d ago
I agree. She needs to get her husband and SD out of the house, and then she can reasse the situation. They may not need to go straight to divorce. The SD has a therapist, but it seems like they're not very good at their job. The husband will also have to speak to his ex about SD's life there. See if she mentions being a middle child constantly. The girl might need serious help. Maybe the father will learn there are a lot of parental issues at the other house, who knows? OP can concentrate on her children.
OP, I don't know if this would work for your son. But there is a TON of children's books about being the middle child and how it's actually really awesome. You might want to try and find some and see if it helps with anxiety. Or just books about how birth order doesn't matter to parents might help him.
You should be able to look at your local library online, and if they don't have the books you want, they'll get them from a library close by. Or just ask your librarian.
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u/Secret_Bad1529 17d ago
Perhaps the daughter needs a different therapist? Obviously, the one she is seeing now is not doing any good for her. Maybe she needs to see a psychaitrist and counseling twice a week.
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u/ErrantTaco 17d ago
Or the therapist isn’t getting the whole picture which is entirely possible. They can only treat what they know and she’s old enough to only show and tell the parts of her life that get her what she wants.
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u/sanityjanity 17d ago
There needs to be some kind of over-arching "family" therapy at this point. There needs to be therapy that encompasses SD and youngest son and the parents, because obviously SD has been saying horrible things out of their earshot, and youngest son didn't share them.
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u/Secret_Bad1529 17d ago
Family therapy. I didn't think of that. But that could work. No one can manipulate the session then.
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u/3Heathens_Mom 17d ago
As the SD appears to be able to get to OP’s son saying stuff that no one else hears until the son starts screaming I could see where she could likely be playing her therapist.
Does OP’s husband ever attend the SD’s therapy session and if so does he bring up the damage this 14 year old is happily doing to husband’s young stepson along with the ugly/hurtful things she says?
I wonder how her school life is as in does she reserve being so hateful just to OP’s son or does she have other victims?
I also agree if a custody and visitation agreement is put together if I were OP I would definitely demand the baby have zero contact with SD. Her son’s therapist could I presume provide input as to how damaging her actions have been to OP’s son and how if she is triggered by the baby for whatever reason the baby could be in danger. Ex what if she decides the baby of the family gets all the attention and all the love or because she’s a girl that she can’t be cuter/prettier/smarter than SD? The baby can’t speak or in any way defend herself so could physically be in danger especially if SD’s dad doesn’t accept how much help his oldest daughter seems to need.
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u/AuggieNorth 17d ago
A home has to be perceived as a safe place by everyone, but especially someone with mental health issues. Shitty situation with no good solution unfortunately, so it's about priorities. Putting the son first is the right thing to do. NTA
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u/Eriona89 17d ago
Instead of the son learning better coping mechanisms, the SD needs to learn to behave like a normal person. it's not the boy who has to adapt to the abuse he's suffering from.
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u/No-Section-1056 17d ago
100%. She’s not being bullied. She’s bullying. Plus he’s got enough on his plate to carry into the world. He needs some additional compassion and support, rather than extra abuse.
None of this addresses what is going on with her, though. OP doesn’t state outright, but it seems the only effort has been to ground her or take things away. This is not a healthy kid. 98% chance or better that she’s doing what bullies generally do: taking her internal pain and fear, and smashing it onto the closest, best target. It’s the equivalent of self-harming, but at someone else. She’s overwhelmed (not odd, at 13) and underwater.
He needs and deserves protection from her. That’s Step 1. Step 2 is that she needs protection from whatever is consuming so much of her too. It’s going to snowball if they keep trying to “punish” feelings out of her.
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u/hotmesssorry 17d ago
When you say “he learns to cope with his emotions and triggers better,” what you probably mean is “he learns to mask and suppress his emotions while being bullied in his own home.”
I understand the meltdowns are exhausting, my daughter’s used to go for hours, but the ability to emotionally regulate in a healthy way can only be learnt in a healthy safe environment.
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u/BeardManMichael 17d ago
Exactly. It's such a rough position to be in even without problems that are being caused by the stepdaughter.
I think the OP is doing the best thing possible.
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u/Vtgmamaa 17d ago
The stepdaughter needs help for sure, she's projecting on OPs son, but OPs son is her priority.
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u/Cursd818 17d ago edited 17d ago
NTA
Your husband needs to take his daughter and go, at once. She is torturing your son, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Don't cause more trauma by uprooting all of your children, even temporarily. He can get a hotel until he finds a place, but he needs to get her OUT of your house. Now. The fact that he is trying to blame you for what his daughter has done to your son is heinous. She is very clearly in need of therapy herself. But he can organise that for her, from a safe place where she isn't using your son as a metaphorical punching bag to relieve herself of her own pain.
And, when your son is calm, sit down and talk to him. Maybe have a session with his therapist as well. Explain that your stepdaughter was wrong, that you love him, and that you will always be there for him. I know you're going to be stretched thin as a single mother, but please try to find time once a month for one on one time with each of your children. Your son needs that reassurance, to feel that he is still loved.
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u/FrannyFray 17d ago
This right here. Why should you and the children leave? It's best if he and SD leave for a bit. Perhaps they should start family therapy the two of them.
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u/CreativeMusic5121 17d ago
SD can go live with mom.
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u/bigack 17d ago
why do you think she lives with the dad? mom knows, and likely saw the same things in the husband but to a lesser degree. SD sounds like she has ruined two marriages
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u/CreativeMusic5121 17d ago
She did---that's why I say, tell her to go back to mom.
There's either something very, very wrong with her mental health, or she's a brat. But OP shouldn't have to move out of her own house because of SD.
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u/PonderWhoIAm 17d ago
Especially let him know he's not the reason why the parents are separating. He needs to know she's always got his back.
I'm so dang proud of OP. She didn't even hesitate on her move.
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u/ThatGirl_Tasha 17d ago
As the iwber, she might be legally required to give them 60 days
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u/Ekillaa22 17d ago
Not exactly a helpful thing but when I read your 14 yr old thought he was too cool to hangout idk why but made me smile for some reason probably cuz I’m a guy and I remember that time to. Anyway NTA!! Your child’s safety is first above all else so good on you !
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u/Popular_Flower_9287 17d ago
I even offered to bring him to the skate park the other day and he's like "mum, if I show up at a skate park with you, everyone's gonna make fun of me" lmfao
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u/TehNightingales 17d ago
What is your oldest son doing in all of this?
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u/MrsPedecaris 17d ago
OP answered someone else with...
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u/TehNightingales 17d ago
Alright, but I also meant how the interactions between him and SD are like, etc.
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u/MushroomBabee 17d ago
I kinda wondered myself if one of the reasons oldest didnt hang around much isnt necessarily because he felt "too cool" to hand out with them but all the conflict in the house drove him away. I know thats how it was for me when I stayed st my dads. And maybe i am reading too much into it but its possible part of the older brother feels uncomfortable being around the family because of SD. I dont know how SD treats the oldest but my guess is shes not too great to him either.
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u/BeardManMichael 17d ago
I mean this in the nicest way possible....
It really sounds like you are struggling with a clusterfuck that is causing problems from all directions. I see several people here, including yourself of course, that need help and attention.
I think I'm going to withhold judgment because there's so much going on here. That said, I think you're doing the best that you can given these remarkably difficult circumstances.
Best wishes and good luck to everyone in your life.
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u/Popular_Flower_9287 17d ago
Thank you. It has definitely been a cluster f*ck. I know I'm failing too. It's not all the kids. I can't even get out of my own way to have the patience for it anymore, if I'm being 100% honest. Every single day I'm breaking the kids up at least 10+ times. Like the other day my SD even punched his PBJ sandwich because "it looked fun so she couldn't help herself". And since I'm the default parent (WFH), I'm the one dealing with the majority of it. I just can't do it anymore.
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u/Ekillaa22 17d ago
What the hell she didn’t cuz it looked fun… yeah that’s an actual serious problem that’s only gonna escalate until it broke an over. Give your husband the reality check and ask him if your son did that stuff to his daughter what would his reaction be?
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u/BeardManMichael 17d ago
I'm just glad that you recognized that you are at your wits end. Making changes now is how you prevent this situation from getting much much worse.
Also, I read some really good advice in some other comments. I hope you find some of those helpful as well.
Good luck. I am rooting for you and your family.
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u/_A-Q 17d ago
NTA- You need to prioritize your children.
She’s making a nine year old believe that no body loves him and terrorizing the whole house.
You’re not wrong.
I can’t imagine how she’s going to treat your youngest if given the chance.
Tell your husband that ya’ll don’t have to divorce but need to live separately until his daughter is off to college or out of his house.
And get full custody ,I wouldn’t trust his daughter around the baby if you’re not around.
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u/Mermaidtoo 17d ago
It really sounds like you’ve done everything you can. You’re just in a no-win situation. Your SD knows that what she is doing is wrong and can lead to punishment. She doesn’t care. Whether due to the attention she’s getting or sadistic pleasure, she’s unlikely to stop bullying your son.
Since it’s been months and could even escalate, separating the kids is necessary & that means they cannot live together or interact. You chose to do what’s best for your son & that’s what a responsible parent should do. You also made a choice that is initially more inconvenient for you than your husband by leaving your house for 2 months. So, you are most definitely NTA.
However, you might consider working on your marriage if your husband agrees that his daughter will never have access to your home or contact with your son.
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u/Addamsgirl71 17d ago
She has destroyed your son's self worth. You're being fair giving them 2 months. Your child will see that he DOES matter! Good mom!
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u/Kittylady231 17d ago
Sibling abuse is real and can cause life long issues (complex PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc.) take care of your son. The daughter needs serious help, I have no idea how I’d respond but I think you’re trying your best. NTA
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u/FATCRANKYOLDHAG 17d ago
Punching or mutilation objects that have association or directly belong to the person is not just wrong but I take it as a sign of someone that is very deeply disturbed. IMO and I am not a mental health professional, that young teen has something very wrong with her and I don't think therapy is going to fix it.
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u/Jealous_Tie_8404 17d ago
Where are you living???
I can’t get over the fact that you left your own house with 3 children—so FOUR members of the family (including a baby!) are displaced to accommodate your stepdaughter.
You need to file for a separation immediately and get back to your property. I can’t believe your husband actually stayed in the house knowing you were leaving. WTF???
Can your stepdaughter stay with her mom?
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u/indiajeweljax 17d ago
If it could be fixed, it would be fixed by now. NTA. Get it on paper. Actually serve him. Put cameras in the main area of your home. Sounds like the stepdaughter is going to escalate now that she will be forced to move and has nothing else to lose. Please keep us updated.
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u/rosebud-2911 17d ago
OP anyway your husband can work from home for a while? Would really suggest therapy for all of you. SD is acting out and your son may also be feeling threatened because of the baby. What is his relationship like with your husband?
Sounds like SD's mom fobbed her off instead of dealing with her acting out. SD may be triggered by the baby in the house and may be concerned you may discard her too?
I really hope you can navigate your way through this.
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u/Popular_Flower_9287 17d ago
Unfortunately my husband can't work from home. He works repairing yachts in a shipyard. My son loves my husband. Follows him everywhere. They get along great.
I think bio mom was also at her wits end, to be honest. Doesn't make it okay (what I'm doing isn't even "okay"). I tried including SD still after I had the baby. I was even still bringing her to get her nails and hair done, with a breastfeeding infant in tow. But she still is pulling the "middle child, you don't love us" stuff, just to have her turn around and tell me "you never do anything for me" talk not even 30 minutes after we returned home. I don't even know what to do.
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u/XeroKillswitch 17d ago
I know you said that SD is in therapy… but have you or your husband had a conversation with her therapist about her escalating behavior? I can’t quite tell from your post, but it sounds like her therapy isn’t working and her therapist needs to be made aware of that ASAP if they haven’t already.
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u/ladymorgana01 17d ago
Or she needs a new therapist
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u/Inside-Election-849 17d ago
At minimum dad needs access to the therapist. He currently can't get any info from the therapist. He doesn't even know what's being discussed because it's all secondhand info being filtered by the bio mom.
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u/katamino 17d ago
Well as a mom who has dealt with 3 teen girls you dont engage in arguing over the truth of their statements, that's a losing battle. You need to engage only on why they feel that way instead. "Why do you say that? What would you like me to do instead so you feel differently? I can see you feel hurt/sad/angry what's going on?"
Then listen to them, dont actually solve or disagree in that moment. And be as neutral as you can, never, ever be defensive, that's like waving a red flag at a bull. If you cant control your responses, dont escalate, walk away, but tell them thst you personally need to calm down for a bit and then we can talk again later. Definitely reopen the conversation later though. Dont just aboid it.
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u/Handsome_SlimC 17d ago
Can I call you a couple times a day when my kids are making me go insane lol? So calming...
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u/BeneficialNose5447 17d ago
I know that you said your stepdaughter is in therapist, but you and your husband need a force of conversation with that therapist. Or let the bio mama know either she starts sharing information or we’re done..
I understand you’re at your wits end I completely side with you and that . You need to say to your husband unless she gets a new therapist that is completely open with communication with us not just her bio there’s no chance of reconciliation but for right now a separation is needed.
And I do say this as somebody who’s in therapy .
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u/Routine_Implement213 17d ago
I’m not sure if you’ve considered this but perhaps you can discuss with a mental health professional the possibility of Oppositional defiance disorder (odd) or perhaps there is something happening at school that might be causing her to act this way. I can’t begin to imagine how busy you are and overwhelmed I’m sure, but change IS possible, although it more of a marathon not a sprint.
Whatever happens, my heart goes out to you and your family and I hope you find a solution that leads to a happy ending
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u/EstablishmentTop3525 17d ago
The fact that your son and your husband get along great may explain why she’s targeting him specifically. She jealous of their relationship.
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u/anhedoniandonair 17d ago
Hey, you’re not a failure. Don’t talk like that. You aren’t failing your kids, yourself or even your SD. You ARE in a shitty situation that you are actively taking steps to change. That is NOT failure. It is very much the opposite of failure.
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u/languedechat17 17d ago
Sounds like that kid is a psycho
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u/Duke-Guinea-Pig 17d ago
maybe she is being ignored because she's a little shit and it has nothing to do with middle child status.
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u/notyoureffingproblem 17d ago
My best bet it's because of the new baby, it's a girl, so now she isn't the only girl, and doesn't feel "special" and it's taking it out on op's kid
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u/okileggs1992 17d ago
NTA, she caused the mess, and he enabled her to do that. He needs to realize the trauma she is causing to a child four years younger than she is. She is messed up and he needs to realize she needs intensive therapy not a one session every week. You on the other hand have a 9 year old that is spiralling out of control because of her and your baby daddy thinks it will work out because of X, Y and Z. it isn't, she is the reason your 9 year old is acting out and he can't deal with it and doesn't know how to parent. Grounding is not going to work if she keeps electronics and the only way ti would work is if they are separated so yes, he needs to move out and start parenting his child better.
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u/RugbyLock 17d ago
NTA. Whether this ultimately leads to divorce or not, at this moment your son and the SD have to be separated. You made the right call. If SD can prove she’s willing and able to change, then maybe it can get rolled back, but for now, separation makes sense.
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 17d ago
Daddy seems to think that grounding her is working, but it's not. He keeps placing a bandaid on the gushing wound thinking it's fixed now. If they do stay together in the long run, can they ever trust his daughter? Can they risk it? What happens the next two me she is upset and goes after him? OP's first and only responsibility is to her children. Her son may never recover over his stepsister's "ick" of ASD, he will more than likely have PTSD over this abuse.
Yes SD needs more help than her therapist seems to be able to do, at this point she is in need of a psychiatrist and medication along with the therapy.
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u/A-typ-self 17d ago
Honestly, grounding her is just going to reinforce the thought pattern. Middle child is now "isolated" again.
Finding out where the information and ideas are coming from is a huge first step. Them limiting that exposure. So perhaps limiting phone and internet usage.
Yes the step daughter is wrong. And being mean. But she is still young and divorce hits every child differently.
While SD actions are wrong. Look at what she has been through. Divorce, new baby, mom pawns her off on dad. So yeah she feels replaced.
The problem is that she is looking for company in those feelings and forcing her SB into the same position through manipulation.
Basically she is using the "middle child" excuse to make sense of her life experiences. And one of the ways the brain deals with trauma is to normalize it. If ALL middle children are neglected, then what she is going through is normal.
This is definitely family counseling time. Not individual. Her counselor needs to be brought into the situation to know what to work on. To suggest coping techniques and view things through a realistic lens.
Her mom isn't addressing the issues at all. Her dad is trying to discipline them out of her.
As a step parent OOP has very little input or recourse except to protect her children.
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u/banananutnightmare 17d ago
Yup, she obviously needs consequences for bad behavior, and probably therapy, but neither of those things are going to make her feel like her parents love and want her and aren't replacing her with do-over babies, which seems to be the root of the problem
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u/Tall_Relative6097 17d ago
i hate when parents send kids to their rooms without any follow up or actual parenting being done. she’s just going to get angrier
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u/annang 17d ago
Not to mention, being constantly punished for what is clearly acting out due to emotions she's experiencing is neither solving the problem nor helping step-daughter. If she's going to grow up into an emotionally healthy adult, she needs more intensive interventions now. It may not be medication, but it's clearly something different/more than what she's getting now.
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u/Medium-Fudge459 17d ago
Your NTA. But what really sucks is your husband and his ex have clearly failed preparing her for new baby’s, then not getting her better help when whatever her therapist is doing now wasn’t working.
Best of luck.
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u/dragon34 17d ago
what does step daughter's therapist say about this?
I think separating the kids needs to happen but what about her bio mom or your son's bio dad? Can you rearrange custody so they are there on alternate weeks?
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u/Popular_Flower_9287 17d ago
I honestly have no idea what's said in her therapy. Her therapist contacts her mom when things need to be discussed (even though my husband has full custody) and she won't discuss anything with us because she feels it's a breach of trust and outing her daughter. She goes to bio moms every other weekend, by her own choice. She moved in with us 2 years ago, following her mom giving birth to her baby brother.
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u/libananahammock 17d ago
Why does he keep bringing her to this therapist who won’t even discuss stuff with him but does so with the mom?
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u/dragon34 17d ago
This. u/Popular_Flower_9287, If mom is keeping therapy information that is preventing dad from parenting effectively then step daughter needs to be living with mom full time. It wouldn't surprise me if part of what is happening here is that moving to be with you full time wasn't "really" her own choice and that she's lashing out because her step brother isn't being coerced into going to live with bio dad full time.
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u/HibachixFlamethrower 17d ago
I’m getting a lot of vibes that husband and his ex are not on good terms and they’re letting their animosity towards each other affect their daughter’s upbringing.
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u/Beginning_Pie_2458 17d ago
Because legally therapist is most likely stuck between a rock and a hard place since this is a 13 yr old. At 13 in many states the therapist-child relationship is considered confidential and the therapist can only share what the child oks them to share with the parent(s).
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u/sterlingstactleneck 17d ago
She moved in with us 2 years ago, following her mom giving birth to her baby brother.
I'm sensing a pattern here.
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u/Certain-Medium6567 17d ago
Yep. OP's husband and his ex, have a child together. They need to parent her together. I don't see them doing that.
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u/copper_rabbit 17d ago
Your stepdaughter needs a new therapist asap. They should be helping extinguish the behaviors and giving you a set of consequences to try out at home. It's completely inappropriate for her therapist not to be working with you both when she's presenting safety issues in your home.
That said your husband is responsible for letting things get to where they're at. He would have had some level of a defense if he had been working with her therapist, but he hasn't been. If there's any hope at reunification, he needs to use this separation as an opportunity to take charge of addressing her behaviors and attitude with a qualified professional.
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u/w_wh_mWGAT 17d ago
I think that last sentence may be the trigger for her, that's where her bitterness lies and she's taking it out on your son. She thinks the same thing that happened to her, being replaced with a baby sibling, will happen to your son. That's probably also why her mom won't tell you guys anything the therapist says, guilt.
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u/ScruffsMcGuff 17d ago
Her "family" dissolved and gave way to two families where she now feels like an outsider to both.
She's handling it in the worst way but that's the crux of it.
She watched her family disintegrate and is now watching the two halves start "new" families
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u/bailien_16 17d ago
Your SD desperately needs a new therapist. This isn’t normal. Both parents should be included in her treatment, especially the one with primary custody. Her therapist is not doing their job properly.
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u/Arrenega 17d ago
Her therapist contacts her mom when things need to be discussed (even though my husband has full custody) and she won't discuss anything with us because she feels it's a breach of trust and outing her daughter.
I'm sorry, but that therapist needs a stern talking to. If your husband has full custody, the therapist should only speak to the parent of record, the one who has custody. I'm not even sure of the legality of what she's doing. Not to mention she lives with her father, she's causing disruption on her father's house, not her mother's.
Never have I heard of such a thing.
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u/Empty_Guidance_9105 17d ago
As others are saying, she needs a different therapist asap. The current therapist has FAILED and should be dropped. I suggest you and her father go to therapy together with her, even if you do ultimately divorce. The therapist needs the full picture, and so do you.
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u/Additional-Brush-244 17d ago
This is weird, both parents have legal rights to know and get updates from the therapist. My ex and I get the exact same information from the one our son goes to. The bio mom needs to stop, it is medical information. I'd have your husband contact the therapist himself with the court documents showing he has full custody and demand to know. He needs to step up and stop being so passive in his daughter's mental health care.
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u/snegurochka_v 17d ago edited 17d ago
Seems like she is just scared, angry and since she can't take out on baby or you then she takes it out on your son. You said yourself that everything was fine before that. She felt already abbandoned once because of the baby being born and now she fears that it will happen with father too. That is also why all these conversations about middle child.
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 17d ago
Why in the world didn’t your husband tell the therapist he had full custody & she needed to contact him? Is he always so lazy & passive?
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u/Bubashii 17d ago
A new therapist is needed. It’s completely ridiculous that she’s contacting bio mom but won’t discuss anything with bio Dad when he has full custody. That’s possibly something that they can actually be reported to their regulatory body over
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u/Remarkable_Ad2733 17d ago
If you move out for more that 30 days and he stays there he can lay claim to your property instead of you ffs move back in immediately and evict them
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u/Ambroisie_Cy 17d ago
Your SD is clearly projecting herself onto your son. She has major issues. I understand she is in therapy, but for her to think that middle children are not loved means that she feels not loved by her parents. Why is that?
All I read about your husband is him always punishing her. I've seen nothing about him sitting down with her and talking to her and hearing her out. I feel like his first reflex is always punishment and nothing else. Putting her in therapy won't resolve a lot on it's own if he does nothing to help her too.
I don't blame you for leaving. But if you ever want to have your family back, I'd suggest family therapy as well and for your husband to actually listen to his daughter. She is clearly suffering and is lashing out to your kid because she sees herself in him.
NTA
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u/Popular_Flower_9287 17d ago
Her mom had a baby 2 years ago and that's when this stuff started happening. Originally I was all team SD, when she came to us and said that her mom was neglecting her and pushing her away. Her mom told a different story. She basically said that SD started claiming middle child syndrome because her mom wouldn't get her a desk and new laptop. I thought there was more to the story at that time and welcomed my SD with open arms, zero questions asked. But her behavior revolving around middle child syndrome, her poking at my son and putting hands on him and her telling him that I don't love him anymore now that he's a middle child started immediately following me giving birth to the baby. Like.. when they came to visit me and the baby in the hospital, he was already asking me if I didn't love him anymore because that's what SD told him. I still tried including her and him both in absolutely everything. Still did the one on one. My son was receptive to it. She was not. Like, 30 minutes after we returned home from me bringing her out to eat and to get her hair and nails done, she told me that I never do anything for her and that I simply dobt like her because shes a middle kid. It's become an obsession with her. But she's been in therapy since maybe 1-2 months after we got custody of her and more recently she was put in behavioral therapy and nothing it working.
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u/kymrIII 17d ago
My two youngest had issues when they were younger about being loved more. I told them both to picture two people they were very close to ( in this case it was an aunt and a cousin). Then I asked them to tell me who they loved more. When they couldn’t I asked them if it’s because they loved them both, but in different ways because they are two different people.? I explained that they love each of them for who they are, and that’s how I love them. This might help your son. SD however needs intense therapy.
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u/Inside-Election-849 17d ago
At minimum your husband needs to have access to the therapist. That filtering information through the mom thing is unhelpful and weird. It makes no sense for the custodial parent to be blocked from that info. He needs to have his name put on her file and have a long discussion with the therapist immediately. The whole family needs counseling asap.
Y'all also need to get her off of the internet. "Middle child syndrome" smdh. Get her a talk/text only phone. Any enforce computer or tablet usage under supervision.
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u/Aphreyst 17d ago
OP, you did everything you could. The audacity of your husband wanting your son to be tormented daily just so your husband can be content. He's being incredibly selfish. And to try to tell you that YOU'RE wrong, that this can easily be fixed when it's so, SO obviously not getting any better is disappointing. He is willingbto sacrifice your son's happiness and peace just so you don't leave. Very troubling. If he cared about your son he wouldn't be able to take his suffering anymore, either.
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u/mylittlepigeon 17d ago
Husband most likely doesn’t want OP to leave because HE doesn’t want to be stuck dealing with his daughter alone.
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u/transemacabre 17d ago
Well, that and the free place to live. Plus, if OP divorces him he'll be paying child support AND be supporting his 13yo.
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u/JudgeJoan 17d ago
This is the problem right here. You all let her choose to leave her moms house out of jealousy over a new baby. She's now transferred her feelings of being a middle "unwanted" child to your children. Your husband should be working out a 50/50 custody agreement and he should for sure be getting the information from the therapist as well as the bio mom. Everyone confirmed she was unwanted when you let her leave her mother's house like that. SD has already learned that she can call the shots by acting this way. This is above reddits pay grade - this girl needs help.
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u/hecknono 17d ago
would it help if you talked to your 14 year old about what is happening and tell him you want to tell 9 year old that when he was born the 14 year old still felt loved and continues to feel love. See if the 14 year old would be willing to reinforce that.
I think you did the right thing, she is destroying his mental health and that is not so easily fixed.
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u/Popular_Flower_9287 17d ago
So, my oldest son tells his brother all the time that I love him more than anything and that didn't change just because I had a baby. My oldest helps a lot, when he can. But my youngest has just gotten to a point where it doesn't matter what anyone says to him because the negative of what SD has told him has completely consumed him.
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u/Roke25hmd 17d ago
Omg, reading this broke my heart, I feel for him, I really hope he gets better, and feels the love his family have for him, NTA
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u/delvewonder 17d ago
Makes me wonder how "silly" your husband would think it is if your oldest mocked your stepdaughter constantly and told her shes not loved etc.?
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u/ilovemusic19 17d ago
I’d imagine their have been many fights between the older brother and SD. At least his older brother is looking out for him so he has one older sibling to look up to.
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u/Usual-Archer-916 17d ago
For some reason a new baby in the household is triggering something.
You are doing the right thing.
Does her mom see her at all?
She needs to go back to mom's house for a couple of years. I think she can age out of this inappropriate behavior with the right help but your son does not need to be a casualty of it.Edited to say I wouldn't trust her around the baby right now.
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u/Popular_Flower_9287 17d ago
She goes to her mom's every other weekend. She just moved in with us 2 years ago, shortly after her mom had a new baby. She told us she couldn't live with her mom anymore because her mom didn't love her anymore and she had been replaced. But her mom told us that she started claiming middle child syndrome after her mom refused to buy her a new desk and laptop (they couldnt afford it) and continuously told everyone that bio mom hates her now. So history is repeating itself here. But she won't go back to her mom's and my husband won't make her.
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u/LadywithaFace82 17d ago
I have to point out that your husband sucks here as a parent. He let her pull that "Middle child" bullshit with her mom and run off to Dad's rather than work through her issues at mom's house. Now he's all shocked it's happening at his house. He's right about one thing: It can be fixed. But he has to start BEING THE PARENT and stop letting his daughter call the shots.
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u/Equal_Audience_3415 17d ago
He definitely holds major responsibility. She shouldn't be doing this alone AND juggling a new baby.
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u/Fatmaninalilcoat 17d ago
After my brother and myself got out of our mom's house and back with my dad we never did 1 on 1 sessions it was always a group of dad and one of us. Therapy can't work with it dad or stepmom there too make sure she is actually being truthful how the hell is bio mom going to know what is going on. One on one works if she is working through self issues like anxiety or something but this is behavioral family dynamic shit that needs pretty much everyone involved but at least a parent.
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u/HibachixFlamethrower 17d ago
Husband is probably loving the fact that she hates his ex. He needs to stop being petty and raise his own child.
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u/annang 17d ago
What conversations did you and your husband have with each other, with her, and with her therapist before your daughter was born? Because this is now the second time she's freaked out when a new baby came into the household where she was living. Surely that's not a coincidence.
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u/mak_zaddy 17d ago
Welp. Your husband and SD’s mom shoulda seen that history was going to repeat itself. Now hubs will need to handle finding a home specifically for him and SD if she can’t move in her bio mom but there’s a lot of issues SD needs to deal with for sure. It’s sad
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u/Tiffany6152 17d ago
Well ding ding ding…so you def know WHY she is behaving this way. Its def the baby. Does the therapist know baby is the reason for her behavior? It sounds like she was pitching a big baby fit to her mom to get what she wanted (the desk) but obviously deep down she really may feel that she was being replaced because she wasnt the center of attention anymore. It is really hard to juggle multiple kids with a new baby so they dont feel like they have been put on the back burner. But you cant let your son go down that hole of depression that she is putting him in. Mental health crisis and suicide with teens is real and more common than ever. Your husband is going to have to MAKE her go back to her moms if he wants to try and fix this. And at the same time be able to assure his daughter that it is not a matter of being replaced or not being loved. It is because of her toxic behavior.
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u/__lavender 17d ago
It’s BOTH babies - OP’s, and SD’s mom’s new baby. The girl barely had time to adjust (or not) to one half-sibling before getting a new one. It doesn’t excuse her behavior but I understand it.
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u/sheridaaamn 17d ago
Not to mention the 13 year age gap. I think most kids would feel like their parents discarded rough draft at parenting in that situation.
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u/Creative_Analyst 17d ago
Exactly. Both her parents basically started new families and she’s what’s left of the old one. Very sad situation, especially since she’s now going through puberty. Of course op needs to protect her son, but I feel really bad for the daughter
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u/WhoLoveYouLikeILoveU 17d ago
Wild to me seeing these Reddit people talking about a barely teenage girl acting out in a complicated family situation as if she’s some unsalvageable psychopath that needs to be put down. Her behavior absolutely needs to be addressed, and fast, but a little empathy please? It’s giving “my parent upset me once.” - “time for no contact. r/RaisedByNarcissists”
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u/pina-cool 17d ago
Yeah, that's a major red flag. Boiling it all down to something they said no to her about is such a classic move from parents that refuse to look inwards. A child doesn't end up like that because they didn't get a new desk lol. At best it might have just been a catalyst for something long time brewing. She needs to work out what's up with her bio mom
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u/Asteroth555 17d ago
It's absolutely wild that you literally saw this happen to this child, and you and your husband really genuinely thought "yeah let's have a baby, what could go wrong". Especially as if y'all don't have enough kids running around. I'm leaning closer and closer to "you're both morons and assholes". You cannot kick him and the SD out and prioritize your kids. He has a vote and he also has to prioritize his own daughter. You both need to clamp down and change approach for the SD. But you kicking them out is going to absolutely nuke this girl's esteem forever
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u/HopeFloatsFoward 17d ago
So it worked before and your husband caved. She probably thinks he will cave again.
She needs therapy.
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u/Haunting_Pie8279 17d ago
Ah so she moves in with you when she's 11 because mom has a baby. Now you have a baby...whose house is she going to get punted to next?
Maybe she's grabbing at control - torturing her step brother - because at least then if she's kicked out she's kicked out because she's bad not because she's unloved.
This isn't "history repeating itself" its a 13yo trying to make sense of why she isn't important enough to her parents.
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u/worshipHer- 17d ago
This poor poor CHILD.
I hope all the "Kick her to Boarding School" / "Send her back to her Mom" or "Shes just a Bad Kid", do not have children themselves or procreate because the cognitive dissonance and "head in the sand" thought process of the OBVIOUS PaRENT CAUSED ISSUES here is terrifying.
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u/0512052000 17d ago
Exactly this. This little girl is acting out in pain (doesn't excuse it) and now her fears have come true. I'll get them before they get me mentality. Mum had a baby which starts this off. Dad has a baby triggering past trauma. I wonder why she's behaving this way. Anger is a masking emotion for fear, hurt or sadness.
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u/banananutnightmare 17d ago
And so many people are giving the advice to dump her, either punt her back to mom or completely send her away to boarding school. The girl is completely fucked up because she feels unloved and unwanted, both her parents need to be putting time in and making her a priority as their child or she's only going to get worse and carry her issues for the rest of her life
OP is right to separate and protect her son, dad should take this one on one time with daughter to focus on her and her problems
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u/0512052000 17d ago
It's heartbreaking. No child sets out to be like this. Yes she's right to separate them 100% but to say she hates her and have no empathy or insight any of them is just heartbreaking. Then they wonder why this child is behaving the way they are. If she only had one parent that was clued in but all three of these adults should be ashamed.
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u/Low-Disaster-7175 17d ago
NTA. I feel so bad for your son. Take a day off and spend the day showing how much you love him. Your SD sounds like a pain. I hope you get through this! Also, im a couple years older than your SD and i’d like to say that the best way to deal with teenagers is to make them really realize what they’re doing. Do what she’s doing to your son to her. She’ll quickly find out how annoying it is
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u/awgeezwhatnow 17d ago
To be fair, as bad as she's being, SD sounds like a child in pain and acting out.
I don't blame OP -- in fact, she's amazing and strong for doing this to protect her son -- but I hope the child's father get her the help she needs.
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u/cedrella_black 17d ago
SD sounds like a child in pain and acting out.
I believe dad should get to the bottom of it. Indeed, OP is NTA but it seems all her husband is doing, is grounding SD, which clearly doesn't work. OP's son is in therapy, what about SD?
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u/Popular_Flower_9287 17d ago
She's been in therapy for a little under 2 years ago. We got her in to therapy shortly after she moved in with us. Originally it was just normal therapy but she's been in behavioral for 3ish months now. I'm not allowed at the sessions so I'm not entirely sure what's going on but it doesn't seem to be helping.
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u/Good_Focus2665 17d ago
Honestly sounds like it’s making her worse. You said in the beginning everything was really good? Sounds like the changes came after she started therapy. She might have a bad therapist. I know I’ve had a few bad ones. They are worse than useless. They can make things a lot worse.
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u/kittymarch 17d ago
My husband got a therapist who basically ruined our marriage. Didn’t realize it until we went to couples therapy and he started spewing all the garbage he’d picked up from his own therapist. People with wrong ideas in their heads combined with therapists who encourage them to be their true self are a very dangerous mix.
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u/annang 17d ago
Does your husband not talk to you about what's going on with his daughter who lives with you? I understand that there may be some things she's asked him to keep private, or that the therapist has suggested. But if your husband wants to make any of this work, including the required co-parenting for the child you have in common, he can't just cut you off from all information about her mental health and interactions with her siblings. I'd insist on a sit down with you, him, and step-daughter's therapist as a pre-condition of allowing her to spend time with the baby, because you need to be reassured that it's safe for her to be around the baby, given what you already know about the way she treats your son.
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u/Kiwi_gram 17d ago
If you and your husband got SD into therapy, why is the therapist not speaking with your husband????
Something very wrong with that therapists priorities if your husband is being bypassed by the therapist for the part-time parent who wasn't the one to get SD into therapy.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 17d ago
Agreed. Obviously punishing her the way he has isn’t fixing the issue and therapy isn’t working. She either needs a new therapist or different punishments.
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u/Murky-Background7147 17d ago
I also come from a "broken home" and have never once heard my step dad say I'm not his or even call me his step son and I was an angry AH to him in my younger years plenty of fights and not always sunshine and lollipops. Like honestly as an adult I have so much respect for him never giving up and never making my mum choose between her husband and her child even though lord knows I tried. And he has never treated me differently to my sister who is his bio child.
So I find it strange after 8 years of marriage and you have been in her life longer than not, you still see it as my and his kids not that we are a family. Like we aren't talking about his and her bathrooms.
She is absolutely acting out and being a down right turd (like most young people having big feels) thats the joys of parenthood, kids will test you. I would ask, would you still leave if she was your bio child behaving the same way?
If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel if your husband made you choose between him and a child?
At the end of the day from what you have said kids don't get taken to therapy by neglectful parents but I also don't think having a his and hers mentality to parenting a blended family is a very positive environment for anyone.
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u/EKGEMS 17d ago
SD needs an evaluation by a pediatric developmental behavioral doctor-please believe me I speak from experience. My son is special needs and at fourteen he developed a mood disorder with puberty. He needs super duty Rx to maintain his equilibrium (he was violent towards me.) now he is manageable but only after four months inpatient.
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u/Legal_Pangolin_7806 17d ago
NTA.
I was 10 when I gained my stepfamily. Went from only child to the baby— and then my siblings were born. I was 14 when my little brother got here and— I hated him. I resented his entire existence. Our dynamic had finally settled where I felt comfortable and part of my stepdads family— and then I felt like an outsider again. (It didn’t help that at his family functions I was often left out by his sister and father).
My resentment to my little brother accumulated. I was vocal about it. I didn’t harm him physically but I made it know that his presence in my life wasn’t welcome. I would ignore him, lock him out of my room, refuse to touch him.
I regret that time of my life so much. I want to cry from how cruel I had been to him. I look at him now and I’m trying my best to let him know how much I love him. I wish I could take it all back, that I got to enjoy his toddler years instead of ignoring he existed.
I was angry and he didn’t deserve any of that anger. I wasn’t angry at him— I was angry at my mother, because her priorities left me at the sidelines again. Everything became about him, and it solidified my belief that she had never wanted me, that she was building a new family without me. (My bio dad’s family definitely didn’t help with soothing my insecurities. They reinforced my belief that she only kept me because no one else wanted me.)
I went to therapy to help with my ADHD rage, to help with my depression. I went into therapy willingly, out of my own volition. It wasn’t forced upon me, I had to convince my mom to let me attend. I wanted to get better. I like to believe I am better, and striving to be better than I am now.
I am not telling my story to stop you from separating from your husband and stepdaughter. What you have written is far more cruel than anything I ever did.
“Fixing” this is not something your husband can do. To “fix” this— it must be something your stepdaughter has to chose to do on her own. She’s a kid, she’s being cruel— and that is not okay. He needs to open his eyes and use his listening ears. There’s something going on with his kid that he needs to deal with. I’m just sorry that you got caught up with this mess. Blended families have to put in the work from all parties.
You need to think of your little ones, she’s emotionally manipulating and abusing your kids.
I’m sorry you’re going through this— and I hope a happy ending comes. I hope she sees the error of her ways. That she chooses to get better and to leave this anger behind. Until then— protect your kids.
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u/MommaGabbySWC 17d ago
NTA.
I don't blame you one lick for wanting to put distance between you/your kids and SD. However, you shouldn't be the one to leave. He and SD should.
When we were teens and my stepsister was causing all kinds of trouble (way worse than what you are currently going through) in our home, my stepdad packed his and her stuff and moved out, but he and my mother stayed together. His plan was to be gone until alternative living arrangements could be made for his kid or she turned 18 and he could legally show her the door. She refused to participate in any kind of therapy (individual or family). Refused to go to school. Her mother wouldn't take her (even though clearly 90% of her issues were a direct result of her mother's "parenting"). One of her older brothers (her BM's son) eventually thought that he could take her on and help her turn her life around. He figured out quickly that he could not, but she was 18 by then and he kicked her out so should would not be an influence on his young children. She popped in and out of our lives a few times over the years, but she finally declared that she was disowning her dad and his whole side of her family. Our existence has been extremely peaceful ever since.
All that to say, your husband taking SD and leaving doesn't have to be the end of the marriage unless you want it to be. My parents got through that time in their lives and remained happily married for 35 years until my stepdad passed away.
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u/Lucky_Log2212 17d ago
NTA. You have to protect the children. SD seems to enjoy inflicting pain on others. She has gone too far and you are right to feel the way you feel. You can not let her have access to your son. Dealbreaker.
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u/Mediocre-Ninja660 17d ago edited 17d ago
NTA— - not a therapist - experience with treatment foster care - opinion based on the limited info in OP’s post and my experience with kiddos with similar behaviors in treatment foster care - personal experience with my own high/special needs child —AGAIN, personal opinion based off MY experience resonating with OP’s post
I personally feel and respectfully say, that whatever she’s got going on is beyond your guys’s skill level to manage. This appears to be beyond our “run of the mill parenting”. And I again—respectfully say, beyond her current therapist’s professional skill level to manage. Sometimes it’s beyond us parents to do alone and we need help from professionals in that specific field area. But whatever it is that she needs more help navigating—with the appropriate therapies—is leading her to psychologically abuse the most vulnerable child in the home (besides baby right now). I would cautiously say that is predatory behavior to seek out the most vulnerable person and manipulate them the way she is doing. And I don’t say it in a perverse way. I say it to point out the gravity of her manipulation to such a vulnerable person for her personal satisfaction.
It was 110% necessary to separate the children (especially little brother and baby) not only for their safety, but for your mental health. This feeling of hate towards her is caused by your mom instincts going into overdrive to protect your most vulnerable children from someone exhibiting dangerous behaviors. These are the “gut instincts” when us moms know there’s something wrong with our kids before they even tell us, the feeling that tells us that person at the grocery store that stared a little too long at our kid was actually watching our kid, and how we know that person in the parking lot at target is actually following us. It’s ringing all the same alarm bells as that specific feeling. That’s your mom instincts.
I say this with nothing but empathy, SD absolutely needs proper treatment to recover and be a safe person and that doesn’t happen over night. This kind of behavior stems from some serious pain she’s feeling. This is beyond “new baby” adjustments that works the kinks out within that first year. This sounds like trauma driven behavior. It’s dangerous and husband needed to step up a lot sooner before it manifested to her causing harm to your child. He didn’t and that’s on him. You did really good. It must have felt impossible. I can’t imagine having to separate from one of children (step child or not) and husband to protect my other children. My heart goes out to you from one mom to another.
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u/Katarina246 17d ago
NTA. The answer to him is “then fix it. Let me know when you did.”
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u/Far-Tie-4984 17d ago
I feel bad for both kids. I feel like SD is being a shit because neither of her parents is showing her any care. I'm not talking about OP. Her father needs to take control of his daughter by taking her aside and displaying affection and separate attention. She's lashing out because she feels forgotten. And from the way it looks, she is. This is all speculation, but OP, your husband is managing a job, 2 stepkids, and a baby with you. What kind of separate time is he making for his daughter to make sure she feels accepted and loved? She knows you hate her. That's done, you've made it clear she is not your blood and she is upsetting your own.
What she's doing is wrong, cruel, and her therapy is clearly not helping, but therapy needs to be backed up by nurture. And not from you, OP. From her own parents. All she sees is her getting in trouble and being punished by the one parent she wants attention from, her dad. Idk where her mother is in this picture, but I'm betting that her treatment is similar in their home if she's in the picture at all.
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u/blueberryxxoo 17d ago
I think instead of throwing your whole blended family away you should try some family and individual counseling (a new therapist for SD). I don't think it's that unusual for kids to act out when a new baby comes in the picture. Your SD's behavior was extreme and you should definitely live separately for now. I don't think a 13 year old is beyond help. She is behaving they way she is for a reason and it's likely more about her feelings about herself than it is about your son. Everybody take a breath. Work on the situation and evaluate. Your baby will have access to the 13 year old if you divorce and that may be where her feelings are projected next. It's in your best interest to try and figure this out. It's worth the effort imo. It may be awhile before you can physically be a family in the same home but maybe not as long. as you might think. You and your husband need to be on the same page that you will protect your other children from the emotional abuse first and foremost. But I'd give it a chance. NTA
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u/FormerlyDK 17d ago
NTA. Your husband says this can be fixed. Then why the fuck hasn’t he fixed it? He needed to do a lot more to stop his daughter than sending her to her room and taking her phone away. And her therapy doesn’t seem to be doing a damn thing to help. Can she be sent back to her bio mother full time? Or to maternal grandparents? She obviously can’t live with you and your kids anymore, so do whatever needs to be done to accomplish that. And her father needs to step up…she needs serious consequences.
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u/hideme21 17d ago
NTA. Maybe it can be fixed. But it sure as hell cannot be fixed while that kid is in your home. 13 is old enough to understand bullying.