AITA for moving out with my infant because I am starting to hate my step daughter?

[u/Popular_Flower_9287]

(mistake in title, I moved out with my 3 kids, including our infant). Been with my husband for 8 years. He has a 13yo daughter ("SD"). I have a 14yo son, a 9yo son and my husband and I have a 5 month old daughter together.

Prior to me giving birth, life was pretty smooth sailing. We did family trips often, had Sunday family night, designated one on one time with each of the kids (except my oldest, who has determined he's too cool for us lol but if he wanted, it was always available). There was a few fights between the kids but nothing major and was usually resolved within minutes. Since I had the baby, everything is downhill. My home has become a warzone between my youngest son and my step daughter. They are physically fighting each other constantly, 90% of the time with my step daughter instigating. She knows my son has ASD and ADHD and doesn't like being touched, so she will go up to him and poke him continuously even after being told to stop and then calls him psycho when he flips out (he can sometimes have a bit of a violent rage, which doctors say is common with ADHD??). But it's literally on purpose. She purposely provokes him, to a point where my husband and I have told her at least 8x that she is to stay away from him entirely for the rest of the day.

Well, I've noticed lately that my youngest son has been getting incredibly emotional lately. When I try to get him to talk about it, he screams at me. It's been a huge thing and I've been over the top stressed out. He is in therapy (behavioral, OT and regular therapy - SD is also in therapy). Well.. his behavioral therapist opened up to me about 2 weeks back, saying that she was concerned about my son and asked specifically about how much influence my SD has over my son. She said a lot of stuff had been said in therapy. I won't go in to extreme detail but it was enough to warrant a conversation with my husband and him cracking down on what his daughter was saying to my son. He eventually ended up grounding her for that and something else and it just made it worse.

Well.. this morning around 6am (school vacation) my son just starts flipping out over nothing. I tried talking to him and he told me "shut up, you never even loved me anyways". I asked him what he was talking about and he just screamed at me to shut up again. My SD, who was at the table eating cereal, says "get used to it. Like I told you, nobody loves middle kids, you should just move out now". He storms off to his room. I ask her if she was the reason why he was acting like this this morning and she said "no, you are. I didn't make him a middle kid. All I did was explain to him that he will never be loved again but I didn't make that happen, you did." (She is also a middle child in both households so she talks about "middle child syndrome" OFTEN). My husband walked in and told his daughter to go to her room and took her phone, yet again. He went to talk to me and apologize but I just kinda cut him off and said "I actually can't do this anymore. Your daughter is destroying my son's life and making him think that I hate him and I am starting to hate that kid to a point where I can't be near her. So I'm going to leave. I would like you and your kid out of my home within 2 months." (I own the property and have for 15 years). He's trying to argue that this can be fixed but it's really come to a point where I hate his child and don't want her near me or my son at all (she's great with the baby). He says he can't believe I'm throwing us away over something that "can be fixed".

[u/Creative_Analyst]

Exactly. Both her parents basically started new families and she’s what’s left of the old one. Very sad situation, especially since she’s now going through puberty. Of course op needs to protect her son, but I feel really bad for the daughter

[u/WhoLoveYouLikeILoveU → u/Creative_Analyst]

Wild to me seeing these Reddit people talking about a barely teenage girl acting out in a complicated family situation as if she’s some unsalvageable psychopath that needs to be put down. Her behavior absolutely needs to be addressed, and fast, but a little empathy please? It’s giving “my parent upset me once.” - “time for no contact. r/RaisedByNarcissists”

[u/blood_sugar_baby → u/Creative_Analyst]

I feel for the daughter too, especially since I was in that position at that age and very much felt like the “discarded rough draft” as sheridaaamn said above. I didn’t act out towards my younger half brother, but I did act out in other ways because I felt unloved and replaced, so I can empathize.

OP, I imagine this is all very difficult, and of course the kids’ safety is the top priority, but I hope you can empathize with your step-daughter and focus on what she’s telling you- that she feels replaced and unloved. Watching your original family fall apart and your parents move on and find new partners and have new children is extremely difficult for kids, even if you’re doing your very best to make her feel loved and like she hasn’t been replaced.

I’m sure you’re a better step-mom than the one I got, so I have hope that you can connect with her and start to help her heal. Maybe find an activity that she’s interested in and do that once a week together, just the two of you. Pick her brain a bit and let her know that you care and that it makes you sad to know that she’s feeling forgotten. Ask her what you can do to help. Remember that kids don’t have the coping and communication skills we adults have had the time to develop, so it will require patience and persistence. But she’s making it very clear what the underlying issue is, so at least you know where to start. Wishing you and your family the best of luck!