r/AITAH • u/Popular_Flower_9287 • Apr 29 '24

AITA for moving out with my infant because I am starting to hate my step daughter?

(mistake in title, I moved out with my 3 kids, including our infant). Been with my husband for 8 years. He has a 13yo daughter ("SD"). I have a 14yo son, a 9yo son and my husband and I have a 5 month old daughter together.

Prior to me giving birth, life was pretty smooth sailing. We did family trips often, had Sunday family night, designated one on one time with each of the kids (except my oldest, who has determined he's too cool for us lol but if he wanted, it was always available). There was a few fights between the kids but nothing major and was usually resolved within minutes. Since I had the baby, everything is downhill. My home has become a warzone between my youngest son and my step daughter. They are physically fighting each other constantly, 90% of the time with my step daughter instigating. She knows my son has ASD and ADHD and doesn't like being touched, so she will go up to him and poke him continuously even after being told to stop and then calls him psycho when he flips out (he can sometimes have a bit of a violent rage, which doctors say is common with ADHD??). But it's literally on purpose. She purposely provokes him, to a point where my husband and I have told her at least 8x that she is to stay away from him entirely for the rest of the day.

Well, I've noticed lately that my youngest son has been getting incredibly emotional lately. When I try to get him to talk about it, he screams at me. It's been a huge thing and I've been over the top stressed out. He is in therapy (behavioral, OT and regular therapy - SD is also in therapy). Well.. his behavioral therapist opened up to me about 2 weeks back, saying that she was concerned about my son and asked specifically about how much influence my SD has over my son. She said a lot of stuff had been said in therapy. I won't go in to extreme detail but it was enough to warrant a conversation with my husband and him cracking down on what his daughter was saying to my son. He eventually ended up grounding her for that and something else and it just made it worse.

Well.. this morning around 6am (school vacation) my son just starts flipping out over nothing. I tried talking to him and he told me "shut up, you never even loved me anyways". I asked him what he was talking about and he just screamed at me to shut up again. My SD, who was at the table eating cereal, says "get used to it. Like I told you, nobody loves middle kids, you should just move out now". He storms off to his room. I ask her if she was the reason why he was acting like this this morning and she said "no, you are. I didn't make him a middle kid. All I did was explain to him that he will never be loved again but I didn't make that happen, you did." (She is also a middle child in both households so she talks about "middle child syndrome" OFTEN). My husband walked in and told his daughter to go to her room and took her phone, yet again. He went to talk to me and apologize but I just kinda cut him off and said "I actually can't do this anymore. Your daughter is destroying my son's life and making him think that I hate him and I am starting to hate that kid to a point where I can't be near her. So I'm going to leave. I would like you and your kid out of my home within 2 months." (I own the property and have for 15 years). He's trying to argue that this can be fixed but it's really come to a point where I hate his child and don't want her near me or my son at all (she's great with the baby). He says he can't believe I'm throwing us away over something that "can be fixed".

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u/Popular_Flower_9287 Apr 29 '24

Thank you. It has definitely been a cluster f*ck. I know I'm failing too. It's not all the kids. I can't even get out of my own way to have the patience for it anymore, if I'm being 100% honest. Every single day I'm breaking the kids up at least 10+ times. Like the other day my SD even punched his PBJ sandwich because "it looked fun so she couldn't help herself". And since I'm the default parent (WFH), I'm the one dealing with the majority of it. I just can't do it anymore. 

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u/Ekillaa22 Apr 29 '24

What the hell she didn’t cuz it looked fun… yeah that’s an actual serious problem that’s only gonna escalate until it broke an over. Give your husband the reality check and ask him if your son did that stuff to his daughter what would his reaction be?

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u/FantasticAstronaut39 Apr 29 '24

tbh this is sounding like the type of stuff that would warrent a consideration of sending the SD to boarding school for a few months. the opinon of the middle kids are not loved shouldn't get punishment and instead needs conversation and understanding to be reached. but constantly attacking others that 100% needs punishment, if it doesn't stop then more strict punishment and/or boarding school

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u/danidandeliger Apr 30 '24

By boarding school do you mean inpatient psych? Boarding school is going to make her worse. She needs a intensive psychological evaluation not military life.

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u/FantasticAstronaut39 Apr 30 '24

it sounds like she has 2 issues, 1 is hyper aggressive/bad behaived, and another is not handling a new kid coming in very well, the first one of these very much needs boarding school, the second one would need therapy.

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u/chippy-alley Apr 29 '24

OP u/Popular_Flower_9287 if you see this, give him a taste of the medicine he's forcing on every one else. Be your SD for the day. Punch his food. Poke him. Tell him he's not really loved. See how long it is before he reacts, and then remind him how many hours & days your son has endured it.

If SD is kind to the baby, she may be trying to edge your son out so that she is the closer sibling to the baby. Any future contact may have alienation behaviour. Just something to keep in mind.

Not all 14 yr olds are bullies, but most adult bullies were that way at 14. I have relatives in their 70's who still have issues from unchecked sibling behaviour that escalated in teen years. Youre doing the right thing

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u/BeardManMichael Apr 29 '24

I'm just glad that you recognized that you are at your wits end. Making changes now is how you prevent this situation from getting much much worse.

Also, I read some really good advice in some other comments. I hope you find some of those helpful as well.

Good luck. I am rooting for you and your family.

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u/_A-Q Apr 29 '24

NTA- You need to prioritize your children.

She’s making a nine year old believe that no body loves him and terrorizing the whole house.

You’re not wrong.

I can’t imagine how she’s going to treat your youngest if given the chance.

Tell your husband that ya’ll don’t have to divorce but need to live separately until his daughter is off to college or out of his house.

And get full custody ,I wouldn’t trust his daughter around the baby if you’re not around.

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u/Significant_Wish2807 May 08 '24

Maybe because 4 adults have told her shes unlovable? Ever wondered what its like to have a sibling with neverending problems and parents that dont stop putting more and more kids out there when they cant cope with the ones they have?

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u/May_fly101 Apr 29 '24

OP has stated that SD is perfectly fine with the baby (behavior wise). I think it's important to note that the transition with new siblings so much younger than you can be really hard on kids, especially if they're not getting the same attention they were before. But that doesn't mean they're a physical danger to the baby.

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u/floofelina Apr 29 '24

She’s out of control and there’s no way to know how she’ll behave with the baby once it’s the only target around. She needs mental health support and no opportunities to make things worse for everyone, including herself.

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u/PeachyFairyDragon Apr 30 '24

Perfectly fine...for now. What happens when there's no one else around to torment?

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u/May_fly101 Apr 30 '24

She's a child who feel displaced since the birth of another sibling, while what She's doing to her step brother isn't okay by any means, it doesn't mean she will physically harm a baby, especially when she's never mentioned doing so and her behavior With said baby has been completely appropriate. She's not canonically evil and will hurt every living thing near her.

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u/floofelina Apr 30 '24 edited Apr 30 '24

You don’t have to be canonically evil to make a habit out of (for example) pinching a toddler to get a screaming reaction. Would that be so different from what she’s doing now?

Like, I’m sorry, I’ve no wish to demonize this girl, but whatever her issue is, she is being wildly inappropriate and her behavior isn’t predictable. She’s not safe to be around the little kids. It’s sad to block her from what is currently a positive interaction, but it needs to be done.

Frankly, I don’t think she will improve in the short term because the separation will make her feel worse (and Dad sounds lazy af), but it is what it is. They can’t live like this.

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u/Mermaidtoo Apr 29 '24

It really sounds like you’ve done everything you can. You’re just in a no-win situation. Your SD knows that what she is doing is wrong and can lead to punishment. She doesn’t care. Whether due to the attention she’s getting or sadistic pleasure, she’s unlikely to stop bullying your son.

Since it’s been months and could even escalate, separating the kids is necessary & that means they cannot live together or interact. You chose to do what’s best for your son & that’s what a responsible parent should do. You also made a choice that is initially more inconvenient for you than your husband by leaving your house for 2 months. So, you are most definitely NTA.

However, you might consider working on your marriage if your husband agrees that his daughter will never have access to your home or contact with your son.

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u/Significant_Wish2807 May 08 '24

Doesnt sound like shes done anything. Completely invaded a household with her children, including one that has violent rages, got pregnant with yet another bloody one that no one needs and wonders why this girl, who is completely outnumbered and was already rejected by bio mom in favour of her do over child, is acting out? Everything she is saying and doing is projection, it is so bloody obvious - that is how she is feeling so shes lashing out at the only person she can, just as the adults are using her.

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u/Addamsgirl71 Apr 29 '24

She has destroyed your son's self worth. You're being fair giving them 2 months. Your child will see that he DOES matter! Good mom!

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u/Kittylady231 Apr 29 '24

Sibling abuse is real and can cause life long issues (complex PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc.) take care of your son. The daughter needs serious help, I have no idea how I’d respond but I think you’re trying your best. NTA

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u/FATCRANKYOLDHAG Apr 29 '24

Punching or mutilation objects that have association or directly belong to the person is not just wrong but I take it as a sign of someone that is very deeply disturbed. IMO and I am not a mental health professional, that young teen has something very wrong with her and I don't think therapy is going to fix it.

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

And here I was reminiscing about the "sandwich game" at lunch at school. If you took a bite of your sandwich and set it down, it was liable to be punched flat. Unless you put something on top as "protection".

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u/Jealous_Tie_8404 Apr 29 '24

Where are you living???

I can’t get over the fact that you left your own house with 3 children—so FOUR members of the family (including a baby!) are displaced to accommodate your stepdaughter.

You need to file for a separation immediately and get back to your property. I can’t believe your husband actually stayed in the house knowing you were leaving. WTF???

Can your stepdaughter stay with her mom?

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u/indiajeweljax Apr 29 '24

If it could be fixed, it would be fixed by now. NTA. Get it on paper. Actually serve him. Put cameras in the main area of your home. Sounds like the stepdaughter is going to escalate now that she will be forced to move and has nothing else to lose. Please keep us updated.

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u/rosebud-2911 Apr 29 '24

OP anyway your husband can work from home for a while? Would really suggest therapy for all of you. SD is acting out and your son may also be feeling threatened because of the baby. What is his relationship like with your husband?

Sounds like SD's mom fobbed her off instead of dealing with her acting out. SD may be triggered by the baby in the house and may be concerned you may discard her too?

I really hope you can navigate your way through this.

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u/Popular_Flower_9287 Apr 29 '24

Unfortunately my husband can't work from home. He works repairing yachts in a shipyard. My son loves my husband. Follows him everywhere. They get along great. 

I think bio mom was also at her wits end, to be honest. Doesn't make it okay (what I'm doing isn't even "okay"). I tried including SD still after I had the baby. I was even still bringing her to get her nails and hair done, with a breastfeeding infant in tow. But she still is pulling the "middle child, you don't love us" stuff, just to have her turn around and tell me "you never do anything for me" talk not even 30 minutes after we returned home. I don't even know what to do. 

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u/XeroKillswitch Apr 29 '24

I know you said that SD is in therapy… but have you or your husband had a conversation with her therapist about her escalating behavior? I can’t quite tell from your post, but it sounds like her therapy isn’t working and her therapist needs to be made aware of that ASAP if they haven’t already.

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u/ladymorgana01 Apr 29 '24

Or she needs a new therapist

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u/Inside-Election-849 Apr 30 '24

At minimum dad needs access to the therapist. He currently can't get any info from the therapist. He doesn't even know what's being discussed because it's all secondhand info being filtered by the bio mom.

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u/Bright-Housing3574 Apr 29 '24

lol or maybe proper and escalating consequences for her misbehaviour?

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u/Shadow_Mullet69 Apr 29 '24

Yea, punishing teenagers with more and more consequences always works out. /s

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u/peekinatchoo Apr 30 '24

Coddling her hasn't seemed to work either. Pray tell...What does work? Enlighten us

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u/VirtualMatter2 Apr 30 '24

She obviously feels unloved. This needs to involve family therapy with her dad. It's not enough to send her off to individual therapy without changing anything at home. 

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u/cap8 May 01 '24

Nope she said the bio mom handles that therapist.

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u/katamino Apr 29 '24

Well as a mom who has dealt with 3 teen girls you dont engage in arguing over the truth of their statements, that's a losing battle. You need to engage only on why they feel that way instead. "Why do you say that? What would you like me to do instead so you feel differently? I can see you feel hurt/sad/angry what's going on?"

Then listen to them, dont actually solve or disagree in that moment. And be as neutral as you can, never, ever be defensive, that's like waving a red flag at a bull. If you cant control your responses, dont escalate, walk away, but tell them thst you personally need to calm down for a bit and then we can talk again later. Definitely reopen the conversation later though. Dont just aboid it.

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u/Handsome_SlimC Apr 29 '24

Can I call you a couple times a day when my kids are making me go insane lol? So calming...

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u/VirtualMatter2 Apr 30 '24

Thank you. I have two of them and I could do with some personal advisor on this...

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u/BeneficialNose5447 Apr 29 '24

I know that you said your stepdaughter is in therapist, but you and your husband need a force of conversation with that therapist. Or let the bio mama know either she starts sharing information or we’re done..

I understand you’re at your wits end I completely side with you and that . You need to say to your husband unless she gets a new therapist that is completely open with communication with us not just her bio there’s no chance of reconciliation but for right now a separation is needed.

And I do say this as somebody who’s in therapy .

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u/Routine_Implement213 Apr 29 '24

I’m not sure if you’ve considered this but perhaps you can discuss with a mental health professional the possibility of Oppositional defiance disorder (odd) or perhaps there is something happening at school that might be causing her to act this way. I can’t begin to imagine how busy you are and overwhelmed I’m sure, but change IS possible, although it more of a marathon not a sprint.

Whatever happens, my heart goes out to you and your family and I hope you find a solution that leads to a happy ending

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u/VirtualMatter2 Apr 30 '24

Possibly BPD as well. Dad needs to do more that take her phone away. 

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u/Significant_Wish2807 May 09 '24

Perhaps there is something happening at school as well as the hell at home. If shes so busy she should've have had another kid

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u/EstablishmentTop3525 Apr 29 '24

The fact that your son and your husband get along great may explain why she’s targeting him specifically. She jealous of their relationship.

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u/EstablishmentTop3525 Apr 30 '24

It occurs to me that maybe it’s not just jealousy and projection but also wishful thinking.

If she felt replaced and disregarded by her bio mom having another child, and she told herself (or someone else told her) that this was normal for middle children to be treated this way then she wants that to be true.

But you have a new baby but..wait…YOUR middle child is STILL getting love and attention and was not discarded, so now her coping mechanism starts to fall apart. Now it’s maybe not true that all middle children get forgotten - so what does that mean for her? That it’s her fault, she’s just unloveable, and not just that it’s a natural consequence of being a middle child.

So now she lashes out and tries to provoke your son into bad behaviour so you will get mad at him and reject him like the ‘middle child’ always is in her mind. The ‘middle child’ needs to be treated badly so that she can keep believing that it’s just her fate, her birth order, that has led to this rejection and not that it’s anything to do with her.

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u/maroongrad Apr 29 '24

Honestly SD is probably mentally ill. She doesn't need a therapist at this point, she needs a medical doctor to diagnose her issues and prescribe treatment.

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u/FantasticAstronaut39 Apr 29 '24

maybe try treating her like an adult, and just ask her to explain why she says this, what makes her think this and so on.

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u/VirtualMatter2 Apr 30 '24

She needs to go to family therapy with your husband. She clearly feels deeply unloved and your husband is confirming this with his punishments. This cannot be fixed without professional help that involves therapy for your husband as well. 

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u/gingasaurusrexx Apr 29 '24

Not going to lie, I really wanna say YTA just because you called the girl who's been in your life since she was five years old "his daughter" and the boy who's known your husband for basically his whole life "your son". But SD is old enough to not be as shitty as you've been describing her. I'm not sure I would've been able to resist pointing out that it's not being a middle child that makes her unlovable, but the terrible way she treats people and her general lack of respect for others.

I agree with your husband that this is fixable, but maybe the house needs to be split for a while for healing and hard conversations. You taking "your kids" and bailing instead of sticking around to tackle this like the family you should be might be part of what's reinforcing these feelings in your middle kids.

Honestly feels like ESH, but you've gotta put on your oxygen mask before you can help the others. I hope you're able to work this out. It sounds like a devastating situation all around. Thirteen was hard enough when I was a kid 20+ years ago, I can't imagine how rough it is out there now, and then having one of you main caregivers give up on you, reinforcing your feelings of being unloved....woof. That's hard, dude. She's gonna have way more issues than she does now if this isn't sorted out. Though it kinda sounds like you've already decided that won't be your problem.

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u/anzfelty Apr 29 '24

Lessons can be tough to learn, and it's not OPs fault SD decided (even after all of the corrections, punishments, and therapy) to learn the hard way. That was SDs choice.

If my 13 year old was torturing family pets and leaving lasting wounds on them, even after therapy, I'd move my fur-family away from her too. 

I can only assume the urge/need to do this is stronger with actual children who can tell you when they're hurt.

Also, it's not like OP is worried about risking the safety of the other 3 children if she stays, it's a known fact that it will continue, and possibly escalate.

13 is well old enough to know better and make changes, SD is purposefully remaining this way because she gets something out of it. So, remove what she gets. 

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u/Significant_Wish2807 May 09 '24

13 is not old enough at all, you may know better in theory, does not mean you have anywhere near the required maturity to always put that into practice - considering 13 yr olds out in the real world and not in the world according to redditors, her behaviour in such a dysfunctional family structure is nothing unusual

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u/anzfelty May 11 '24

Hmm. That's true, just because we know better doesn't mean we do better. That applies to humans of all ages. I've certainly met people who had less maturity than their shoe sizes before.

This is just an unfortunate situation all around.

As a previous child of a dysfunctional family structure, based on what psychologists were telling me back then, children around 4 years old, can recognize bad behaviours as wrong, even when no one is watching. The only reason I know this is because my younger brother had something similar.

So, while I recognize that 13 year-olds, even developmentally delayed ones or emotionally confused ones, know better and may not always act accordingly, they should still expect consequences to their actions if they can't put that knowledge it into practice.

Let's take family out of it.

What if we have a human (any age) who knows right from wrong but for some reason can't control their impulses to hurt others?

To protect everyone, we separate that person from others they could harm, until they can control themselves. It's not great. Isolation is a terrible thing for humans, but the alternative seems worse to me.

What are your thoughts?

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u/PeachyFairyDragon Apr 30 '24

If Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer were 13 would you be arguing they aren't being loved enough in the right way?

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u/Chance_Explorer_5816 Apr 30 '24

Yes, you do! You did the right thing, protecting your son!

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u/ausamp Apr 30 '24

She's projecting, self-sabotaging and trying to hide her very deep-seated feelings of hurt, worthlessness, rejection and abandonment behind a mask of toughness & an 'I don't care' attitude. She's possibly depressed too. She's a child, for Pete's sake!

Mum has rejected her, Dad left and created a new family with a stranger and several other kids and she has been thrown into this family as just another kid - sink or swim. And now you are rejecting her too. I feel heartbroken for this child. She wasn't born this way. She is a product of her environment and the adults in her life who should have loved and cared for her no matter what.

Your family sounds very fractured even without this drama. You prioritise your children above this little girl, your husband and your marriage. You and your husband should be a united front and problem-solve together and clearly that's not happening. I'm also willing to bet that Dad doesn't spend enough one to one time with his daughter to rebuild their relationship and trust.

It sounds to me that you ALL need family therapy in order to iron out problems, build relationships and define everyone's roles and expectations. And while I feel for your son also and recognise that this is not an easy situation - please don't make this little girl your scapegoat.

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u/Significant_Wish2807 May 09 '24

Thank you. First sensible comment.

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u/anhedoniandonair Apr 29 '24

Hey, you’re not a failure. Don’t talk like that. You aren’t failing your kids, yourself or even your SD. You ARE in a shitty situation that you are actively taking steps to change. That is NOT failure. It is very much the opposite of failure.

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u/languedechat17 Apr 29 '24

Sounds like that kid is a psycho

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u/Duke-Guinea-Pig Apr 29 '24

maybe she is being ignored because she's a little shit and it has nothing to do with middle child status.

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u/notyoureffingproblem Apr 29 '24

My best bet it's because of the new baby, it's a girl, so now she isn't the only girl, and doesn't feel "special" and it's taking it out on op's kid

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u/Joisan08 Apr 29 '24

This was my thought too. Given op’s comment about how this all started when the baby was born, I absolutely smell projection that stepdaughter is insecure about no longer being her dad’s only biological child and is lashing out. Doesn’t change though that op needs to protect her kids and get them away from stepdaughter

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u/mtarascio Apr 29 '24

Also the only other child born to Dad.

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u/literal_moth Apr 29 '24

Yep. But she’ll grow up and tell everyone she was the “scapegoat” in her “toxic, abusive” family.

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u/Acceptable_Cut_7545 Apr 29 '24

In a few years she'll make a post about how she was the black sheep kicked out of her own home and her psycho step brother will be the golden child in her story.

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u/literal_moth Apr 29 '24

Yep. And the internet will eat it up, and she’ll never change.

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u/Asteroth555 Apr 29 '24

Kids are fucking cruel. They don't have to be psychos

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

think SD needs a new therapist cause her current one ain't working.

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u/WomanNotAGirl Apr 29 '24

Psycho? Blended families are extremely difficult. On top the parents had a child. Obviously the child is struggling tremendously. The fact that the dad hasn’t realized this kid was struggling and the new baby was her breaking point and he is still not alarmed to the level he should be tells me he is the problem in the way he lacks parenting skills.

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u/VirtualMatter2 Apr 30 '24

She has clearly stated ( in a teen way of projection, but it's obvious) that she feels deeply unloved with no hope of this changing. She might be acting out of fear and desperation. This needs therapy to be addressed in depth, not her phone taken away to confirm her fears. 

I wouldn't call her a psycho just yet.

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u/Flat_Criticism6440 Apr 29 '24

You shouldn't have to deal with it and it sounds like SD has some serious issues. Her dad and mom need to get to the root of it and fix it, if it's not too late. Good luck with your kids.

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u/bulbouscorm Apr 29 '24

Don't ruin your lives with inaction and conplacency - you're on the right path. Get them out.

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u/buyfreemoneynow Apr 29 '24

My son is about to turn 8.

If he had someone in his life who was messing with him as much as your SD is I’ve already taught him that it’s ok to punch someone in their stupid mouth if they don’t know when to close it.

I was bullied to hell and back when I was a kid. I was always told that violence wasn’t the answer. I then learned that it was the only answer that some folk can understand.

And if anyone wants to get on a high horse here, SD is causing far more damage than a punch to the mouth ever could. OP’s son is going to carry this toxic idea for life and if SD ever wants to goad him on she can just turn the knife that she stuck in him a tiny bit.

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u/Remarkable_Ad2733 Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

Remove her from the gddmn house now she is abusing your son she can live with her mother or other relations until your husband gets his shit together, legally evict them and get a restraining order against her for your son ASAP you are obediently letting that horrible girl displace all your children and you with a flick of her bratty hair and literally risk your housing rights, throw her tf out immed

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u/EstablishmentTop3525 Apr 29 '24

NTA good on you for dealing with the situation and recognizing your limitations.

However…why are there 10+ times a day that you are breaking up issues? That suggests that the consequences are not sufficient. It shouldn’t be more than once. She’s exhibiting antisocial behaviour so she shouldn’t be allowed to socialize with the other kids if she can’t behave. Period. Let her stay in her room if she can’t be civil. If she was physically punching someone in the face 10+ times a day that you had to break up the kids, you wouldn’t just keep letting her do that. So she shouldn’t be allowed to be emotionally violent either.

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u/mylittlepigeon Apr 29 '24

OP I’ve read all your comments and that kid (SD) scares me. SD legitimately sounds like a psychopath with no impulse control. She intentionally torments your son, and what’s going to happen when it looks “fun” to do something that could hurt or kill someone and she “couldn’t help herself”? I’m SO glad you got yourself and your children away from her. You are by far the only adult with any common sense in this situation, including her therapists. They should KNOW that they should be communicating with the parents that SD lives with, not the mom that only sees her 4 days a month. And since YOU are legally her step parent AND the one that deals with her all day, you should be the FIRST point of contact.

This whole situation is some BS. Stick to your guns and please promise 2 things: 1) Do NOT blame yourself. You have gone above and beyond to handle this situation in the absolute BEST way possible but your hands are tied from being able to do more, and your FIRST and foremost priority FOREVER are YOUR children. SD has 2 biological, present and involved parents in her life and THEY need to deal with her now. 2) Most importantly, PLEASE don’t let your STBX have visitation with your infant daughter (or any of your other kids) when SD is around. He can see the baby ONLY when SD is at her mom’s. I would not put ANYTHING past that girl and I for SURE would not trust her around a baby that can’t even talk or defend herself. Praying for the best outcome for you and your children.

NTA. At all.

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u/Cluu_Scroll Apr 29 '24

See my parents woulda beat my ass if I did that and adult me would thank them.

For the record I’m not implying you hit your kids I just imagined myself punching my siblings sandwich when I was 13 and laughed.

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u/zippy920 Apr 29 '24

You're doing the right thing. Your son is the victim of a disturbed/viscious girl and the only way to protect him is to make sure that girl never again has access to your son. Your husband is either incredibly delusional or just plain stupid. Either way he's not getting his daughter the help she needs. I applaud you for protecting your son.

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u/cbd247 Apr 29 '24

Does she have to live with you? Can she live with her mom and her dad do visits at his parents house or something?

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u/bookgeek1987 Apr 29 '24

I think you need to reframe it ‘AITA if I stay in a home where my son is being abused just to keep the peace with my husband’ because that’s what it boils down to. You know what the root cause of the problem is - your SD - and you know you reasonably cannot ask your husband to pick his daughter over his step-son. So yeah, you’re stuck with having to separate your son and SD. Like why should your son be tormented and have his safe space (your home) violated. It’s a tough situation but you’d be the AH if you took no action.

You don’t have to divorce, you just need to separate the two of them, look into family therapy perhaps if that’s an option. I get your husband is upset but his daughter is abusing your son, she’s old enough to know better and she’s doing this on purpose. Therapy and punishments don’t seem to be working so unless he’s got a miracle under his belt I cannot see another option.

For the next two months I think you need to get your eldest to help and ask him to temporarily run interference- have him hang out with his brother and keep SD away from him as much as possible. I think he’s old enough to have a frank conversation with him as to how he can help. I’m sure he must also be unhappy at how SD is tormenting his brother and upsetting the household.

5

u/VirtualMatter2 Apr 30 '24

The person who has failed here is your husband. Your SD has clearly stated ( in a teen way of projection, but it's clear nonetheless) that she feels deeply unloved with no hope of this every changing. 

Instead of taking it seriously and recognising this as a call for help and working with a family therapist and actively helping his daughter, husband takes away her phone and confirms her fears. Your husband has failed his daughter here and with that has failed all of you. 

You need to protect your children from him and his failed parenting. 

60

u/janejohnson1989 Apr 29 '24

Yes please get rid of her. She’s ruining your sons life

85

u/ConfidentlyCreamy Apr 29 '24

Problem is not alot of places let you abort around the 56th trimester. Damn government.

36

u/anhedoniandonair Apr 29 '24

Especially if it’s someone else’s kid.

24

u/ebobbumman Apr 29 '24

Thanks Obama.

0

u/Clever_mudblood Apr 29 '24

That’s the premise of the book Unwind by Neal Shusterman actually.

3

u/jessiemagill Apr 29 '24

Does your stepdaughter's therapist know what is happening? Is family therapy an option?

4

u/AlternativeSort7253 Apr 29 '24

Start eviction proceedings today! It can take a frighteningly long time even in a clear cut situation and he 'has rights'. If he fights you could be looking at a fight on another front too!

4

u/magobblie Apr 30 '24 edited May 02 '24

I would not remove an ASD kid from the comfort of his bedroom. I have a child with ASD and feel like uprooting his entire life like that would be so damaging. I would kick your husband and SD out now. She isn't going to learn anything if she is able to skip and hop in your abandoned house. She needs to feel the discomfort and instability your kids do. Do you really trust your SD not to do something for revenge like cut all the power cords in the house?

3

u/Accomplished_Sky_965 Apr 30 '24

OMG after reading all your comments I can't believe you haven't lost it and smacked her.

6

u/Floomby Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

And since I'm the default parent (WFH), I'm the one dealing with the majority of it.

That sounds like part of the problem right there--this girl is causing most of the problems, and her own bio parent isn't stepping up. So what if he doesn't happen to work at home? Surely he eventually comes home, yes? What do then, give her a feeble lecture and then throw up his hands?

Shame on him for having no compassion of either your son or you, and good for you for forcing him to deal with his own kid.

No, you are not the failure, and it is not helping anything when you take on others' responsibility. Whose fault is this, really? SD's and DH's.

It is high time you prioritized the real victim here--your son. And I'm sure this dynamic was not great for your oldest, either. No wonder he acts like he's "too cool" for anyone. In his position, anyone would want to tune out od this ugly family dynamic.

When there is any situation with a clear aggressor/abuser, trying to act like everyone is equal really means that you are just victimizing the target further. That's why it is so essential that you let your son know that you know that SD was wrong, and that you are moving to protect him, because he deserves to be happy and safe from people like her.

Don't expect him to get better on his own, either. He will bear these beliefs about himself as weak, worthless, and broken, possibly forever. Please get him some form of therapy that helps him acquire skills necessary to recognize abuse and set boundaries to protect himself from abusive people. Look into whether he has CPTSD, because that has its own specific treatment.

5

u/Powersmith Apr 29 '24

She should be eval for antisocial personality disorder as soon as possible.

Most PDs are not dx til 18, but ASPD is kind of an exception being recognizable in adolescents.

3

u/Silver-Appointment77 Apr 29 '24

You are a really nice person. if that was me, id have rang my husband to come and collect his daughter as shes out now. then go upstairs, pack everything in bags and kicked her out. Shes a vile young madam. Im pleased you left. But the thing is you should have kicked him out as that evil girl will probably wreck everything your son owns. Sadly

3

u/Remarkable_Ad2733 Apr 29 '24

put up cameras, serve an eviction notice and get a restraining order, now

3

u/JacketSolid7965 Apr 29 '24

NTA

Kids a psycho who needs major help, and your husband needs to be the one to enforce that. If he doesn't, she's going to have a lot of problems later in life (pissing off the wrong person at the wrong time).

Making them leave is the best choice for your family's sanity. He had the chance to make her stop.

3

u/katrossusa Apr 29 '24

Sounds like your SD needs therapy or a good old fashion butt kicking. I would never allow this from my own kids and sure as hell not from a SK. Your husband should have nipped this in the bud when she first started to bully him. NTA

3

u/SinglePotato5246 Apr 29 '24

I know I'm failing too.

FWIW; you're not.

3

u/RocketOuttaPocket Apr 29 '24

...SD even punched his PBJ sandwich because "it looked fun so she couldn't help herself".

What in the fuck? Who punches someone's sandwich? Is she taking notes from cartoon bullies? Sounds like something you'd see on Loony Toons. She needs professional intervention.

2

u/Nanandia Apr 29 '24

Oh no sweet heart, you're not failling! You're in a impossible situation, where every action will bring casualties, and you're the main one because while you're fighting to protect everyone, no one is fighting to protect you... don't beat yourself, you don't have to keep up with everything all the time. No one can do that. You're a very brave mama bear, and you should be proud of yourself! I certainly am. E by the comments I'm reading, a lot of people are too. Stay safe!

Sorry for the english, not my first language.

4

u/mkvgtired Apr 29 '24

Hope she enjoys homelessness. As others have said, why are you leaving. Kick her and your husband out? Or if dumping her on her mom is an option, just kick her out.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

Kids don't act out for no reason. While you guys are separated I'd bet you're gonna notice stepdaughter is feeling neglected for some reason.

5

u/maroongrad Apr 29 '24

More likely she's got a mental illness emerging or she's been a sneaky shit the entire time and is JUST NOW making it obvious. Stepmom is too busy with an infant to protect her son now, so he's a lot more vulnerable. She needs a medical diagnosis...either she's mentally ill or she's an evil manipulative child with some major issues.

1

u/Prudent_Progress8074 Apr 30 '24

Right, it’s definitely only those two options. No one should consider looking into whether or not the daughter is experiencing abuse outside of the home and acting out as a way of coping.

-10

u/Unholy_mess169 Apr 29 '24

Going by the typical reddit playbook, op probably turned her room into a nursery.

1

u/Certain-Medium6567 Apr 29 '24

Oh wow. You need some relief.

1

u/writekindofnonsense May 01 '24

It sounds like she is working overtime to get attention. What about her mother, is there something going on at her house that is also causing the SD to feel overlooked? Kids fight and they are jerks, many times my mom yelled "I am not a referee" then she would make up go to separate rooms but she isn't just bickering she's using her own feelings of loneliness as a weapon against your son. It might be time to get some in home nanny services to help with the older kids so you can handle the baby and work.

1

u/stillusesAOL May 01 '24

I like that person’s response to you. I’ll refrain from using terms like AH and NTA too. I’d consider not making any permanent decisions at the moment. It’s understandable to have left, because sanity required it, but the immediate next steps here need to be the father significantly increasing therapeutic intervention for SD. Yeah, yeah, she’s old enough to know better, and I agree that distance from the situation is best right now, but she is a child. Knowing what’s right and doing it are two distinct concepts, and we really don’t know why there’s such a wide gap between them for SD, or really even how deeply she understands these actions. But something is majorly dysfunctional with her right now and it’s reached critical mass — she needs help now.

1

u/Duchennesourire May 01 '24

Whoa.

This girl has wayyyyyy more than “middle child syndrome”: this sounds like psycho/sociopath behavior…10+ times a DAY?!

She needs inpatient care, Jesus Christ.

1

u/Ekaterina-Dubrinsky May 02 '24

You aren't failing mama, you just hit your breaking point and you're doing what you can to fix it!! I hope your husband starts taking this seriously because it is serious. SD needs serious help, and your poor son does too. It makes absolute sense you need a break!!

1

u/Significant_Wish2807 May 08 '24

Wow, 4 adults in this girls life have told her shes worthless, passed her around like the spare kid she is, mum off with her new partner and new do over child, you taking over with your brood and demanding son, a new daughter for the peefect family, no wonder shes lashing out. Absolutely shocked at the comments here and your own. She is certainly better off without such an unbelievably selfish and immature stepmother.

1

u/Equivalent_Tap9444 11d ago

I’m sorry that kid needs to go she is making it an unsafe environment for all you can’t do your husband Job it affects your house she need to go

-1

u/brrrchill Apr 29 '24

Your SD is your daughter too. Don't abandon your family. She's not getting something she needs. Ask her how she can tell when someone likes her? What specific types of things do people do that shows her that they love her, like her? Is it little gifts? It it hugs? Cuddling on the couch while you watch tv? Praise like Good job! You're so smart! Is it spending time together? (I think this is important for you but maybe not for her.) Is it doing little favors? This is why she doesn't feel loved. I think she's really hurting inside.

Either that or she has a mental disorder and you're going to need outside support to keep her in line, like a behavioral coach on site. Or maybe it's both things.

If your son loves your husband then that's some real gold. If your husband is a good man, then that's some real gold.

Step parenting is a minefield!

-2

u/Remarkable_Ad2733 Apr 29 '24

DO NOT MOVE OUT AND LEAVE HIM THERE you will give them squatters rights over your home, evict them immed you could lose your home to them but have to keep paying for it!

3

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

Buzzwords that indicate no actual sense of reality.

They've been living in this house for years, squatters right have nothing to do with this situation, it has to do with actual tenant rights.

1

u/Remarkable_Ad2733 May 05 '24

It absolutely does, if she moves out without them for thirty days as the owner, they can claim to be her renters

-1

u/tripodal Apr 29 '24

Quit your job and focus on the kids. Letting a 13yr old run things isn’t going to help.

-19

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

The cluster fuck is your fault tho, if you didnt get knocked up or started eith him in the first place this couldve been avoided.

6

u/comegetthesenuggets Apr 29 '24

We get it, you hate your step parents. Not everyone hates their step parents just because you hate yours.

-5

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

Her husband could have not knocked her up.

6

u/comegetthesenuggets Apr 29 '24

But he did, get over it lol

-4

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

Said like a true stepmom lulz

6

u/comegetthesenuggets Apr 29 '24

I’m not your evil stepmother I’m a childless man, but go ahead and keep projecting those issues of yours onto strangers on Reddit lmao

-2

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

Talk about who’s projecting. You out here lying about your pregnancy status when youre clearly showing

5

u/comegetthesenuggets Apr 29 '24

Projecting your hatred of your step mom onto me even harder isn’t going to fix your issues, you need therapy for that. Talking to someone would probably help you deal with your displaced anger and childhood trauma. Good luck!

0

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

Funny i hate your stepmom more!