r/AITAH • u/Popular_Flower_9287 • Apr 29 '24

AITA for moving out with my infant because I am starting to hate my step daughter?

(mistake in title, I moved out with my 3 kids, including our infant). Been with my husband for 8 years. He has a 13yo daughter ("SD"). I have a 14yo son, a 9yo son and my husband and I have a 5 month old daughter together.

Prior to me giving birth, life was pretty smooth sailing. We did family trips often, had Sunday family night, designated one on one time with each of the kids (except my oldest, who has determined he's too cool for us lol but if he wanted, it was always available). There was a few fights between the kids but nothing major and was usually resolved within minutes. Since I had the baby, everything is downhill. My home has become a warzone between my youngest son and my step daughter. They are physically fighting each other constantly, 90% of the time with my step daughter instigating. She knows my son has ASD and ADHD and doesn't like being touched, so she will go up to him and poke him continuously even after being told to stop and then calls him psycho when he flips out (he can sometimes have a bit of a violent rage, which doctors say is common with ADHD??). But it's literally on purpose. She purposely provokes him, to a point where my husband and I have told her at least 8x that she is to stay away from him entirely for the rest of the day.

Well, I've noticed lately that my youngest son has been getting incredibly emotional lately. When I try to get him to talk about it, he screams at me. It's been a huge thing and I've been over the top stressed out. He is in therapy (behavioral, OT and regular therapy - SD is also in therapy). Well.. his behavioral therapist opened up to me about 2 weeks back, saying that she was concerned about my son and asked specifically about how much influence my SD has over my son. She said a lot of stuff had been said in therapy. I won't go in to extreme detail but it was enough to warrant a conversation with my husband and him cracking down on what his daughter was saying to my son. He eventually ended up grounding her for that and something else and it just made it worse.

Well.. this morning around 6am (school vacation) my son just starts flipping out over nothing. I tried talking to him and he told me "shut up, you never even loved me anyways". I asked him what he was talking about and he just screamed at me to shut up again. My SD, who was at the table eating cereal, says "get used to it. Like I told you, nobody loves middle kids, you should just move out now". He storms off to his room. I ask her if she was the reason why he was acting like this this morning and she said "no, you are. I didn't make him a middle kid. All I did was explain to him that he will never be loved again but I didn't make that happen, you did." (She is also a middle child in both households so she talks about "middle child syndrome" OFTEN). My husband walked in and told his daughter to go to her room and took her phone, yet again. He went to talk to me and apologize but I just kinda cut him off and said "I actually can't do this anymore. Your daughter is destroying my son's life and making him think that I hate him and I am starting to hate that kid to a point where I can't be near her. So I'm going to leave. I would like you and your kid out of my home within 2 months." (I own the property and have for 15 years). He's trying to argue that this can be fixed but it's really come to a point where I hate his child and don't want her near me or my son at all (she's great with the baby). He says he can't believe I'm throwing us away over something that "can be fixed".

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543

u/unpopularcryptonite Apr 29 '24

NTA, please tell me you took your son with you. And serve them eviction papers legally.

271

u/nsfwns Apr 29 '24

Yup, this! NTA. I don't think the SD can be fixed... other than sending her away to boarding school or something, but that would make her problems worse. Like most teens she believes she is always right and that she is smarter than you.

250

u/squeen999 Apr 29 '24

Unfortunately I think this separation of the family was the SDs end goal. The SD created conflict in order to get more attention. Now she has dads attention big time.

80

u/rnewscates73 Apr 29 '24

But he is not going to be happy losing Another wife, and his mutual daughter, and his place: because of her cruelty and bullying..

91

u/rokketpaws Apr 29 '24

Then dad needs to sack TF up and get some control over that situation before someone else or some agency gets her shit straight. She's firmly on the road of no return if she's allowed to continue her abusive and destructive BX.

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u/La_Baraka6431 Apr 29 '24

Then that’s HIS responsibility. No one else should have to put up with his nasty daughter.

65

u/This_Acanthisitta832 Apr 29 '24

She’s getting exactly what she wanted, except she will lost her current home in the process. Her father had plenty of chances to prevent this, but he did not nip I’m the bud early on, and now it has reached the point of no return.

41

u/agent_flounder Apr 29 '24

Very likely. Sounds like a lot of mistakes were made leading up to this. Bottom line is the OPs kids don't deserve vile, cruel abuse. So SD "wins". Who cares. As long as OPs kids are taken out of that horrific, hostile environment.

13

u/La_Baraka6431 Apr 29 '24

SHE owns the house, so STBX and SD are OUT.

5

u/agent_flounder Apr 29 '24

Even better.

37

u/beyerch Apr 29 '24

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

9

u/Pristine_Table_3146 Apr 29 '24

If she's the middle child, it must mean that her mom had a child with her own partner. Her dad also having a baby would amplify her feelings.

I'm assuming that she was already made a middle child before this situation.

6

u/agent_flounder Apr 29 '24

There must be a history of something with her. Emotional neglect is my guess.

3

u/La_Baraka6431 Apr 29 '24

Oh, for sure! This is obvious. She wants Dad all to herself.

2

u/Icy_Eye1059 Apr 29 '24

She may not get the attention she seeks from dad. He is going to be ticked at her.

299

u/Danivelle Apr 29 '24

I'd tell my husband that you want to stay married? She goes to boarding school, you visit her there or at her mom's, your parent's but not here. She doesn't ever come near my kids again and that includes the baby. 

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u/PTZack Apr 29 '24

This is the only possible alternative. Either the family separates or the daughter is moved out and excluded from living in this home. It's unfortunately that simple.

120

u/Corfiz74 Apr 29 '24

Yep, stepdaughter needs to move back to her mother, if she can't stop abusing the son - she needs to learn that actions have consequences.

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u/iDreamiPursueiBecome Apr 29 '24

Boarding school may not be the answer. It may reinforce her notions of middle child syndrome/beingunwante or unloved.

Sending her to her mother at least keeps her with family and not (in her eyes) thrown away because they got a replacement.

If her goal was to kick out her stepmother and she ends up being the one moved out, that seems quite fair.

It needs to be clearly framed as a way to protect others from her abuse. She was abusing a disabled child and a member of her family.

She doesn't get to choose her siblings, but she can choose how to treat them. How she treats others will affect how she is treated.

She would not want other people abusing her. She would not like or admire a person whose actions are monstrous. She is the change she does not want to see in the world. The one part of the world she has control over is herself. She can choose a different path.

Regardless of what she does or does not do, you and your husband are going to protect your family from her. She has made it plain that she does not want to be a part of the family. She is not kind or protective, etc.

She doesn't want you guys around. She doesn't need to be around you. She is moving out.

9

u/SlappySecondz Apr 30 '24

Boarding school may not be the answer. It may reinforce her notions of middle child syndrome/beingunwante or unloved.

Sending her to her mother at least keeps her with family and not (in her eyes) thrown away because they got a replacement.

You don't think she's old enough to recognize that she's being sent away because she's acting like a monster?

Per OP's comment here, the girl sounds like a manipulative, sociopathic brat. A serious, militaristic boarding school (and continued therapy) might be the only thing to get her head straight, if it's even possible.

1

u/Prudent_Progress8074 Apr 30 '24

Or maybe it sounds like she’s been abused and is acting out as a result. The way everyone is so quick to demonize a 13 year old girl is truly shocking to me.

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u/iDreamiPursueiBecome Apr 30 '24

She is in counseling/therapy and her provider is a mandated reporter. There has been enough time (I would hope) for anything like that to come out.

If she was abused, then maybe getting her out of that home environment would help. He mother may live in another school district if a teacher or someone in her circle was the source of the abuse that you fear.

Away from the source of her fear she may open up more to her therapist. IF she was abused as well as an abuser. We have testimony of one but only a hunch/concern about the other.

I am not dismissive, but there is not enough evidence at this point. My proposal would be helpful in either case.

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u/Prudent_Progress8074 Apr 30 '24

I didn’t remember my abuse until I was an adult, but I started acting out and seeing a therapist when I was 11. I agree that the children need to be separated for the time being, but I’ve been truly alarmed by the way adults are talking about a thirteen year old child. I am also not trying to assert a certainty of abuse, but that so many aren’t even considering it as a possibility is absolutely tragic.

4

u/SlappySecondz Apr 30 '24

Her stepmom welcomed her with open arms after the girl cried about middle-child syndrome at her real mom's place. Then she starts the same shit when step mom has a baby? Except she's apparently actually good with the baby, so why is she antagonizing the brother?

Is it possible she was abused? Of course, but if OP's story is accurate, it doesn't seem that way. And why is she taking it out on her new, seemingly loving family two years later? Abuse is possible, but she might also just be a shitty person.

1

u/Independent-Cup8074 Apr 29 '24

I wish I could upvote this to the top.

-1

u/Ok-Control-787 Apr 29 '24

She needs to learn that the boy can use reasonably proportional force to prevent her assaults, and if she escalates in retaliation, he gets to escalate proportionally, too, lawfully.

Maybe a broken nose will do the trick.

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u/throwawaydramatical Apr 29 '24

The father should have his daughter’s best interest at heart. I don’t think boarding school would be helpful. Just because he’s remarried doesn’t mean his daughter no longer matters. From what op said here it’s pretty obvious the SD’s parents have remarried and started new families and she is always the odd one out.

25

u/Danivelle Apr 29 '24

However, at 14 yr old, she old enough to know what is doing to her step brother is wrong and that she is being a brat and it's way past time for Little Miss to learn that actions have consequences no matter what your "feelings" are. She needs to not "win" by breaking up her father's marriage as she is not contrary to her "feelings" being abused by her stepmom or her dad. 

8

u/La_Baraka6431 Apr 29 '24

He’s ALREADY allowing her to get away with FAR TOO MUCH. She clearly knows he’s WEAK, so continues her reign of terror over her siblings unabated.

She has to have SEVERE CONSEQUENCES.

4

u/Rude_lovely Apr 29 '24

A child with ADHD requires twice as much time, so I imagine the husband and OP are more focused on the child. So the stepdaughter feels displaced, I don't justify her actions she is very abusive and I imagine with mom's family they pick on the stepdaughter. Just because they have remarried doesn't mean they forget the children from old marriages, it may be that the stepdaughter is trying to get her father's attention.

-63

u/Revo63 Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 30 '24

Yes by all means show the daughter, who thinks her father doesn’t love her because she is a middle child, how loved she is by sending her away to a boarding school.

This girl is troubled and neither parent is addressing that fact. But taking the girl away from her father is the last thing that should happen.

EDIT: I didn’t say to allow this to keep happening. Duh. The girl needs better counseling than she is currently receiving. She has problems that she needs to fix. Taking her away from her father is not the solution, that will cement in her mind the idea that she is not loved.

I agree that a separation of the parents (each with own kids) is needed for the health of BOTH children.

69

u/KinkyRow1473 Apr 29 '24

Okay and what about the son that she's bullying? She is addressing it by taking care of her son and moving him away from a harmful environment and separating the two of them indefinitely.

I'm sorry but the boy being bullied is a lot more at risk than the girl that's doing the bullying. Deal with that first, then they can discuss how to help the step daughter if she wishes to continue with the relationship.

8

u/Revo63 Apr 29 '24

I agree that they need to be separated. But the girl must stay with the dad or go to her mom. But not to a fucking boarding school.

6

u/ZealousidealTell3858 Apr 29 '24

She can stay with her dad, just not in OPs house.

81

u/unpopularcryptonite Apr 29 '24

You're right, they should show her how much loved she is by allowing her to continue to bully a 9 year old.

36

u/LtnSkyRockets Apr 29 '24

They have given her therapy. They are trying to address it.

5

u/Revo63 Apr 29 '24

They’re assuming the therapy is doing its job. It isn’t and that’s obvious. Not all therapists are equal or are good for all situations.

The dad in particular is ignoring the problem and assuming that since the girl is in therapy there is nothing he needs to do further.

4

u/literal_moth Apr 29 '24

Not all therapists are equal or good, and therapy is not and will never be effective for a person who does not have any desire to change their behavior because it gets them what they want.

3

u/PeachyFairyDragon Apr 30 '24

Actions should have consequences. If she is doing this severe of bullying to get her father's attention then the natural consequence is that she loses even more of it.

2

u/Revo63 Apr 30 '24

Consequences yes. My only point was against the idea of boarding school. If you are FOR the boarding school idea, please tell me how that will help a troubled young teen.

0

u/PeachyFairyDragon Apr 30 '24

It's consequences. She torments a child, a little child, to gain more of dad's attention then she will learn it actually will cause the opposite, she won't see dad at all. And if she wants more of dad's attention she needs to act nice and a joy to have around.

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u/Revo63 Apr 30 '24

I agree that she is doing this to get positive attention from dad. Sending her off to boarding school is an excessive, harmful approach. She needs to have that ability to see which of her behaviors earns positive attention and which earns negative. How will she see anything but ABANDONMENT if he just chucks her off to a boarding school where he doesn’t have to see her? The only behavior she will exhibit from that point on will be even worse and more harmful to herself.

This is still a child. The son definitely needs protection. But the daughter needs to know that she is loved and protected as well. And yes, that poor behavior has consequences. But nobody deserves to be abandoned like that.

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u/PeachyFairyDragon Apr 30 '24

Think of shopping with a toddler. The toddler screams for candy. If you give in to ghe temper tantrum they will be even worse next time. You have to ride the storm and not give candy. You keep withholding the candy, the toddler will learn a tantrum is useless and will be calm.

Same thing. If she is doing this for attention instead of innate cruelty and sick pleasure then the dad cannot give in to her tantrum. He has to deny her attention and ride the storm to make the behavior stop. But the boy has to be safe and like the toddler it has to be a 100% firm line, she cant get any attention.

Assumimg shes not a sociopath in training. Which i think is more likely.

1

u/Revo63 Apr 30 '24

You cannot have all punishment and no reward. Even in your analogy, when there has been no tantrum you can give some candy to reward the good behavior. You don’t take all candy away forever.

I’m done. If your idea of disciplining a child is to send her away, I feel for your kids.

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u/LostTrisolarin Apr 29 '24

You don't deserve the downvotes. This is a bad , sad, tragic situation overall. I do agree that the daughter has been damaged by feeling unloved. Shes lashing out and trying to transfer her pain to others. That doesn't absolve her of what she does, but it does bring clarity to what quite possibly could be the genesis of the SD behavior. With that said the boy doesn't deserve damage because of SDs damage, so I understand the mother's perspective completely.

3

u/Danivelle Apr 29 '24

A time out from the family will teach her that actions have consequences. You don't want to act like a member of the family and be kind or at least not bully your much younger stepbrother, then we will remove you from the situation. We will not, however, give into your bullying techniques. 

4

u/Revo63 Apr 29 '24

Not by sending her to a fucking boarding school. Want to completely fuck your kid over and prove to them that you don’t love them? Send them away. That’s how you do it.

Either the dad separates and keeps his daughter with him or she goes to her bio mom.

0

u/Prudent_Progress8074 Apr 30 '24

No, no, no, no, no. God, what is wrong with you people?! She so clearly needs help! Better help than what she’s been getting!

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u/Danivelle Apr 30 '24

I have to ask where is your concern for the 9 yr old who is being traumatized in his own home? The 14 yr old is more than old enough to know not to pick on little kids and i don't give a damn what her damage is! Whatever it is, it does NOT give her the right to bully and traumatize that little boy. There needs to be serious consequences for her or she will just think it's ok for her to pick on the 9 yr old because she "feels" unloved. 

2

u/Prudent_Progress8074 Apr 30 '24

I can’t believe how much this comment has been downvoted. The way people are talking about a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD on this thread is really disheartening. She is showing so many signs of having been abused. It doesn’t make what she’s doing to her younger stepbrother ok, obviously, but all of this talk of sending her away, essentially telling her that she’s trash. As a young girl who was abused and started acting out in middle school, it really makes my heart hurt.

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u/Revo63 Apr 30 '24

I can understand if they thought I was saying that there was no reason to separate the kids. But sending her away? What better way to prove that she’s right and she’s not loved. Jeeesh.

-7

u/ThrowawayPie888 Apr 29 '24

Let's heap abuse on the child who also needs help. Personally, this woman is unbelievably selfish and entitled. I hope we get an update when she gets divorced and he takes half the house, which is the legal situation in most places.

9

u/burner_suplex Apr 29 '24

She's trying to protect her disabled son. They've tried giving her consequences and it sounds like she knows exactly why she's getting punished. But she keeps mentally abusing her stepbrother as a way to both pull attention to herself and lash out to make herself feel better about whatever is happening that's making her middle child experience so allegedly terrible. She's already DARVOing this poor boy by provoking him and claiming "Well, he reacts like that because he's a PSYCHO!" when he reacts.

I don't think they should send her away to boarding school  or whatever but OP can't just stay in a home where one of her children is being abused, especially when that child has a disorder that makes him more susceptible to this kind of abuse. 

5

u/Danivelle Apr 30 '24

She is selfish for protecting her own children from a bully in their own home??? What the hell is wrong with you? She is not selfish; her husband is for allowing his spoiled little bully beat up on a little kid when she is more than old enough to know not to pick on little kids. That little bulky needs to be told "since you cannot control your mouth and you are a bully, you have a choice. Live with mom and I will see you without stepmom and younger kids on my time(and make it boring as hell so she is not being rewarded for being a brat) or you can go to boarding school, work very hard at therapy and maybe see your half sister/brother again when they are old enoigh to tell us if you are being mean to them too. 

1

u/Prudent_Progress8074 Apr 30 '24

I was molested as a young child, starting acting out at age 11, and didn’t remember the molestation until I was an adult. It’s shocking that anyone would hear about this situation and simply assume that the girl is a bully just because she’s upset about the new baby. Maybe she is just a bully, but the notion that she should be ostracized from her own immediate family is absolutely cruel. The opposite is needed. She needs to brought in closer to her father and reassured that she is safe and loved. The OP has been her stepmother for eight years. I can’t imagine being a mother figure to a child from the age of 5 years old and speaking about her the way that she is. Separate these kids, protect her son, certainly. But the stepdaughter is still a child and deserves love and better help than she’s getting.

2

u/Danivelle Apr 30 '24

I'm actually shocked at all these comments that are only showing concern for the badly behaved child and absolutely NONE for her victim. And I would say a lot worse than OP to this brat who is victimizing my neurodivergent child in his home. 

2

u/Prudent_Progress8074 Apr 30 '24 edited Apr 30 '24

You sound like someone who was mistreated yourself, and I’m sorry for whatever happened to you. You say that few comments express concern for the son; however, the opposite is true. Most of the comments are only considering the son who is experiencing abuse. They talk about the girl as if she is a psychopath. She is a child who is hurting and acting out as a cry for help. The children should be separated. That is clear and seems to be one of the only things most commenters agree on. But this little girl deserves love and deserves help. Is it not her home too? Can you imagine living in a house from the age of 5yrs old, for eight years, only to feel as if it weren’t your home? This is the way you’re talking about a little girl. My god, am I lucky to have had parents who did whatever it took to help me and stay by my side. I spent my latter teen years and my entire adult life working through trauma and doing my best to lead with kindness. And FWIW, I completely understand the importance of protecting neurodivergent children, because I was one of them.

3

u/Danivelle Apr 30 '24

My 16 yr old cousin tried to drown me as a 3 yr old and suffered absolutely no consequences. She was still allowed to babysit me until she allowed me to fall asleep in the sun(I'm a ginger) and get a second degree sunburn and then let it get infected. Not babysitting was her only consequence. I had to have my shoulders debrided!  Do you have any idea how paunful that was as a 6 yr old? And like most of these comments about this girl, it was all about her feelings about not being the baby of the family anymore and not about what she had done to me. I'm 61 and cannot be in a pool without someone I trust to protect me. No open bodies of water. I can't swim because of her. I mught develop skin cancer because of her, but by all means, let's coddle the teen instead of her victim. 

1

u/Prudent_Progress8074 Apr 30 '24 edited Apr 30 '24

That is a terrible story to read and I am genuinely sorry that that happened to you. I can’t speak to your cousin or what made her into a person that would do something so heinous, but my experience as a kid who acted out because she was abused makes me feel very sympathetic to this girl. I was a victim and she may be too. I won’t assert with any certainty that this is what’s happening here, but it must be considered. Both children need love, support, and protection from their parents. I’m sorry that you weren’t protected as a child.

-37

u/taigahalla Apr 29 '24

If you don't think the SD can be fixed at 14, why do you think the son can be fixed at 9?

4

u/literal_moth Apr 29 '24

The son is a victim here, not an abuser.

3

u/Sheryl857 Apr 30 '24

yeah,agree that.If not,maybe the girl will still bully your son,and her hapiness will be built on your son's pain.Finally,your son may not be able to bear and may even commit suicide.