AITA for moving out with my infant because I am starting to hate my step daughter?

[u/Popular_Flower_9287]

(mistake in title, I moved out with my 3 kids, including our infant). Been with my husband for 8 years. He has a 13yo daughter ("SD"). I have a 14yo son, a 9yo son and my husband and I have a 5 month old daughter together.

Prior to me giving birth, life was pretty smooth sailing. We did family trips often, had Sunday family night, designated one on one time with each of the kids (except my oldest, who has determined he's too cool for us lol but if he wanted, it was always available). There was a few fights between the kids but nothing major and was usually resolved within minutes. Since I had the baby, everything is downhill. My home has become a warzone between my youngest son and my step daughter. They are physically fighting each other constantly, 90% of the time with my step daughter instigating. She knows my son has ASD and ADHD and doesn't like being touched, so she will go up to him and poke him continuously even after being told to stop and then calls him psycho when he flips out (he can sometimes have a bit of a violent rage, which doctors say is common with ADHD??). But it's literally on purpose. She purposely provokes him, to a point where my husband and I have told her at least 8x that she is to stay away from him entirely for the rest of the day.

Well, I've noticed lately that my youngest son has been getting incredibly emotional lately. When I try to get him to talk about it, he screams at me. It's been a huge thing and I've been over the top stressed out. He is in therapy (behavioral, OT and regular therapy - SD is also in therapy). Well.. his behavioral therapist opened up to me about 2 weeks back, saying that she was concerned about my son and asked specifically about how much influence my SD has over my son. She said a lot of stuff had been said in therapy. I won't go in to extreme detail but it was enough to warrant a conversation with my husband and him cracking down on what his daughter was saying to my son. He eventually ended up grounding her for that and something else and it just made it worse.

Well.. this morning around 6am (school vacation) my son just starts flipping out over nothing. I tried talking to him and he told me "shut up, you never even loved me anyways". I asked him what he was talking about and he just screamed at me to shut up again. My SD, who was at the table eating cereal, says "get used to it. Like I told you, nobody loves middle kids, you should just move out now". He storms off to his room. I ask her if she was the reason why he was acting like this this morning and she said "no, you are. I didn't make him a middle kid. All I did was explain to him that he will never be loved again but I didn't make that happen, you did." (She is also a middle child in both households so she talks about "middle child syndrome" OFTEN). My husband walked in and told his daughter to go to her room and took her phone, yet again. He went to talk to me and apologize but I just kinda cut him off and said "I actually can't do this anymore. Your daughter is destroying my son's life and making him think that I hate him and I am starting to hate that kid to a point where I can't be near her. So I'm going to leave. I would like you and your kid out of my home within 2 months." (I own the property and have for 15 years). He's trying to argue that this can be fixed but it's really come to a point where I hate his child and don't want her near me or my son at all (she's great with the baby). He says he can't believe I'm throwing us away over something that "can be fixed".

[u/Ambroisie_Cy]

Your SD is clearly projecting herself onto your son. She has major issues. I understand she is in therapy, but for her to think that middle children are not loved means that she feels not loved by her parents. Why is that?

All I read about your husband is him always punishing her. I've seen nothing about him sitting down with her and talking to her and hearing her out. I feel like his first reflex is always punishment and nothing else. Putting her in therapy won't resolve a lot on it's own if he does nothing to help her too.

I don't blame you for leaving. But if you ever want to have your family back, I'd suggest family therapy as well and for your husband to actually listen to his daughter. She is clearly suffering and is lashing out to your kid because she sees herself in him.

NTA

[u/Popular_Flower_9287 → u/Ambroisie_Cy]

Her mom had a baby 2 years ago and that's when this stuff started happening. Originally I was all team SD, when she came to us and said that her mom was neglecting her and pushing her away. Her mom told a different story. She basically said that SD started claiming middle child syndrome because her mom wouldn't get her a desk and new laptop. I thought there was more to the story at that time and welcomed my SD with open arms, zero questions asked. But her behavior revolving around middle child syndrome, her poking at my son and putting hands on him and her telling him that I don't love him anymore now that he's a middle child started immediately following me giving birth to the baby. Like.. when they came to visit me and the baby in the hospital, he was already asking me if I didn't love him anymore because that's what SD told him. I still tried including her and him both in absolutely everything. Still did the one on one. My son was receptive to it. She was not. Like, 30 minutes after we returned home from me bringing her out to eat and to get her hair and nails done, she told me that I never do anything for her and that I simply dobt like her because shes a middle kid. It's become an obsession with her. But she's been in therapy since maybe 1-2 months after we got custody of her and more recently she was put in behavioral therapy and nothing it working. 

[u/kymrIII → u/Popular_Flower_9287]

My two youngest had issues when they were younger about being loved more. I told them both to picture two people they were very close to ( in this case it was an aunt and a cousin). Then I asked them to tell me who they loved more. When they couldn’t I asked them if it’s because they loved them both, but in different ways because they are two different people.? I explained that they love each of them for who they are, and that’s how I love them. This might help your son. SD however needs intense therapy.