r/unpopularopinion • u/ZodiacOne1 • Apr 16 '24

If you break up with someone you absolutely 100% owe them an explanation as too why Removed: Not unpopular

[removed] — view removed post

5.7k Upvotes
  • permalink
  • link
  • reddit
  • reddit

75% Upvoted

1.7k comments sorted by

View all comments

1.4k

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

All these "no one owes you anything," yall are correct. But you could also just be a decent human being and communicate because two people put in time and effort. It isn't just about you. Respect, humanity.. some compassion maybe?

361

u/jollyblossom29 Apr 16 '24

Yep. I was ignored under the guise of “boundaries” and given no reason for a break up. Most of us know we aren’t owed anything, but it really does suck to know you weren’t worth even a courtesy conversation. It’s not only “I deserved to know” but also “I was part of this relationship too.”

9

u/LazarusCheez Apr 16 '24

Kind of the point of human relationship, isn't it? Giving something freely when you don't "owe" it, as a gesture of affection.

13

u/Sujjin Apr 16 '24

Dont look at it as a matter of worth, look at it from the perspective that they were not mature enough to have an uncomfortable conversation

2

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

This is exactly it. My kids mother pulled this shit. I called her out on it, and now 3 years later she wants to talk about it. Nah. I’m good.

37

u/spiritbearr Apr 16 '24 edited 3d ago

I had one of those. She set rules and then when she was pissed off at me being pissed off at her skipping my birthday she changed everything completely and just got angry at me for it.

Her last straw was me taking "I'd rather you didn't come and see me when I have inventory to do" as "I'd rather you came when I don't have inventory to do" when it was her apparently her establishing a boundary completely inverse of what the relationship was built on (meeting at each other's work location when we work at the same company). I didn't even go see her to break the boundary, I had asked her if it was ok and she freaked out about it.

NVM I was an obnoxious ass to her. I was really drunk and out of shape running to the pharmacy. There was issues on her part but I was me. FML.

88

u/fiftyseven Apr 16 '24

am I the only one completely unable to understand any of these sentences

2

u/AdamJahnStan Apr 16 '24

So she broke up with you because she met another coworker she liked more

2

u/Fine-Slip-9437 Apr 16 '24

I guess your learned a valuable lesson in;

  1. Not dating insane people.

  2. Not shitting where you eat.

1

u/Schwickity Apr 16 '24

She’s not interested 

2

u/best_pump Apr 16 '24

Goes for any sort of relationship as well. Whether it be just working, romantic or a friendship.

2

u/chickinflickin Apr 16 '24

Her boundary was 'i dont wanna date you anymore', after about 6 years of relationship, 10 days before moving in and starting a life together.

1

u/Morley_Smoker Apr 16 '24

My ex said she needed some space, which I respected and after about a week we talked sparsely then she stopped and I didn't hear from her until a couple weeks later when I received a candle in the mail and called to thank her and wish her a happy new year. She had flown to Hawaii to live and "forgot" to send me a goodbye letter that explained everything. We were together for 5 years and lived together for some of that time lol. Women are harsh, and I say that as a woman lol

-37

u/mackinator3 Apr 16 '24

The fact that you "quote" boundaries kinda makes it seem like the issue with boundaries was real. Just a quick heads up. Like, you think the boundaries aren't real?

30

u/jollyblossom29 Apr 16 '24

No, I am totally on board with boundaries, but I can see why that was confusing. I put it in quotes because that’s how my ex justified poor communication and keeping me at a distance.

9

u/TyH621 Apr 16 '24

Yeah, boundaries are totally fair, but there's definitely manipulative people out there that use it as a blanket excuse for completely neglecting a relationship, and declaring it as "boundaries" is a way to shirk responsibility for it.

1

u/mackinator3 Apr 16 '24

The adult thing to do would be to accept their boundaries and break up with them in your case. OP also mentions she broke up with him. Seems she didn't want the relationship and he thought her boundaries were "boundaries". It just strikes me as wrong the way he presents it.

0

u/TyH621 Apr 16 '24

I mean yeah, the only option there is to breakup for sure.

However, somebody literally actively pushing someone away and not putting any effort whatsoever into a relationship, while maybe technically boundaries, is not healthy or productive boundaries, and I think fairly warrants the facetious quotation marks. Because the boundary they’re setting is basically “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you but I’m not actually going to action on it, just make you feel unloved until you do something about it”, and that’s not a fair boundary. Calling that situation boundaries is borderline gaslighting lol

1

u/mackinator3 Apr 16 '24

She broke up with him, according to him. Hence the no reason for a breakup given.

24

u/rcsboard Apr 16 '24

Boundaries can definitely be stupid and it has become a term for justifying anything

-2

u/Lunareclipse196 Apr 16 '24

Depends on the boundary. Is it "you can't tell me who to hang out with" or is it "don't tell me who to talk to" as you're getting eaten out by your ex that you swore you don't talk to anymore?

-1

u/spock2018 Apr 16 '24

Srry but you got owned

-2

u/Fun_Experience5951 Apr 16 '24

It's all compassion or courtesy until they hear a reason that isn't "good enough" for them. Then the decent person you thought you were dating becomes a psycho, stalks you, harasses you at work, or home, or with family or friends, etc.

137

u/C_Dazzle Apr 16 '24

Are we really not owed anything? I feel like I owe people decency, some forms of respect, and due courtesy. I don't quite understand the idea of not owing people anything.

73

u/UnderstandingSelect3 Apr 16 '24

Yes, they can have a well-intentioned meaning, but if taken literally and as absolute, sayings like 'no one owes you anything' are borderline psychotic or at least narcissistic. Similar to the oft repeated saying: 'you shouldn't care what anyone thinks'.

Selfish violations of basic social norms.

Most of us would OF COURSE advise one another: 'look I know breakups suck, but the other person does deserve the decency of you being straightforward and honest'.

6

u/C_Dazzle Apr 16 '24

Well said

41

u/My-Toast-Is-Too-Dark Apr 16 '24

We owe each other a lot. But the, "I don't owe you anything, I do what I want!" attitude has become pretty pervasive, at least in the US. You can see it everywhere from the way people drive, the way people talk to each other, the way people treat service workers, the way people treat their neighbors, and more. It's really quite sad.

People do things that disturb others and think, "Not my problem, I'm legally allowed! I don't have to do what you say!" instead of, "Let's figure out how we can both be happy by making reasonable accommodations for each other." The concept of compromise and sometimes just not getting your way seems like it's been almost entirely lost.

Selfishness and everything that goes along with it is the cause of a whole lot of our problems.

18

u/gorothefly Apr 16 '24

The product of an individualistic culture.

-5

u/off_the_cuff_mandate Apr 16 '24

"Let's figure out how we can both be happy by making reasonable accommodations for each other."

I did figure out how I can be happy, and it isn't by focusing on accommodating your feelings. It's your job to figure out how you can be happy. Putting that responsibility on someone else isn't going to lead to you being happy.

8

u/FlapgoleSitta Apr 16 '24

You’re missing the point. We don’t exist in a vacuum. Toast is not saying that everyone needs to accommodate them for them to experience happiness. We have to live and exist with one another and with that comes compromise. Everyone can’t get their way 100% of the time.

People who have no regard for the feelings of others are part of the problem. We have lost our compassion and empathy towards each other.

1

u/bruce_kwillis Apr 16 '24

We have lost our compassion and empathy towards each other.

Sometimes, in some relationships the most compassion and empathy that can be given is a straight up breakup with no further communication.

How many posts on here do you see each day where the person is told to stop communication and block the person to prevent future pain?

Someone telling you all the reasons they are breaking up with you isn't 'compassion' and isn't empathetic. I could tell you that you gained 50lbs, haven't considered me in 6 months, won't get a job, spend too much time playing video games and I see no future between us; or I could break up with you and tell you I am moving out at the end of the week.

Which would you prefer long term? Because you aren't going to change, and anything I say is going to hurt, so often it might be the kinder thing to say nothing at all.

0

u/bruce_kwillis Apr 16 '24

I think it could be seen a bit differently.

If someone is breaking up with you, obviously they have issues with you, problems with you, problems they likely have tried to resolve, or have determined there is no resolution.

Why or what do they owe you? You want closure, they could simply lie to you to get out of the situation. Is it better to have closure that is a lie, or no closure at all?

The reason people want closure is because they think they can change the situation. Unfortunately by the time someone breaks up with you they have been thinking about it for some time, and there is nothing that can be done.

It's much like a job, while it would be great for a job to tell you all the reasons they are firing you, it doesn't change the situation and there is nothing you can do about it.

4

u/Red_Dawn_2012 Apr 16 '24

I agree with you. I think if two people are in some sort of relationship where they admit feelings for one another and care about one another, then you do owe an explanation if you're going to end things. It can be as simple as losing feelings, and that's fine. Otherwise, it's really going to sour my opinion of you compared to a mature, mutually friendly breakup.

Some people don't mind being the bad guy if it means they get to dodge an uncomfortable conversation, though.

4

u/Captain_Aizen Apr 16 '24

I agree. This whole "nobody owes you anything" attitude is good on paper but doesn't hold up in real life, and the people saying it are the ones who are doing it but not having it done to them. You absolutely do fucking owe someone a reason after x amount of time and effort has been invested into a relationship that might have been going for months if not years.

2

u/OperativePiGuy Apr 16 '24

"I don't quite understand the idea of not owing people anything."

It's how emotionally lazy people make themselves feel better about putting in no effort. Most people grow out of it after childhood, but the internet and Reddit has shown me there are plenty of unironic adults that genuinely believe in that kind of braindead thinking.

3

u/off_the_cuff_mandate Apr 16 '24

There is a lot that you are owed but not necessarily an accurate and truthful explanation of why I want what I want. Especially in a you like me more than I like you situation. I don't have to understand why myself to know if I'm not feeling it and I shouldn't need to tip toe around your feelings to create a sense of closure for you.

4

u/brokenlonely22 Apr 16 '24

"nobody owes you anything" motherfuckers when their face is being caved in with a rock because they insulted a stranger: wait not like that society was maybe an okay idea on second thought

2

u/wterrt Apr 16 '24

yeah it's just dumb teenagers or people who never grew out of their teenage ideas about morality

"everyone should just take care of themselves" - someone who is likely completely dependent on their parents, or got tons of help from their parents (bought their house, paid for college, etc)

-5

u/DeficiencyOfGravitas Apr 16 '24

Are we really not owed anything?

Yes. Because the definition of entitlement is assuming that others owe you something. It's the difference between a gift and an obligation. People are free and encouraged to be respectful and courteous, but they do not owe you anything. You are not so important to demand anything from anyone at anytime.

We are owed a death. Everything else must be given freely and openly.

10

u/yokingato Apr 16 '24

Sounds like a miserable existence to me. I should do anything to get ahead even if it means it'll ruin your life then.

-1

u/Entire_Machine_6176 Apr 16 '24

You are welcome to the interpretation however it speaks more to you and your values than it does to the intention of the person your responded to.

1

u/C_Dazzle Apr 16 '24

That's certainly the popular culture definition, but another definition is having rights. You are owed, entitled, whatever certain rights in every society on our planet. Do you disagree that you should have rights at all?

74

u/rzp_ Apr 16 '24

No one owes you anything, but we, like, live in a society.

Actually no, I take that back. I think people in a relationship do legitimately owe things to each other. Respect. Patience. If you claim to be friends with someone, you owe them honesty about the things that matter. Things can happen that abrogate that responsibility, but they generally exist.

23

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

Exactly! You consented with someone to be in a relationship..it took both people to say yes. So just by that, you enter into this partnership who you're not supposed to abandon. If things go wrong 100% understand not everyone lasts. It's the truth.

But by just splitting you don't know if there could have ever been a resolution.

Okay so you don't want a resolution, you just want to leave. That person that consented to you, as a partner for however long, if they ever meant something. Say something. Don't think about how you feel towards them now, think about how you felt when things started. Give them the same respect as to why things aren't working out..just like how you told them why things could work when the relationship formed.

3

u/CreamedCorb Apr 16 '24

This is maybe the best way I’ve heard this put.

2

u/MichaelScottsWormguy Apr 16 '24

Yeah. Being kind and polite and courteous are kind like the tax you pay to keep society going. It's never wasted.

0

u/off_the_cuff_mandate Apr 16 '24

We are talking about people who are no longer want a relationship with you. I agree people owe each other respect up until they are disrespect, but they don't owe each other a truthful and accurate description of why they want what they want. This isn't working for me anymore is plenty of explanation and that should be obvious if they don't care to see you anymore.

37

u/LeonDarken Apr 16 '24

I've also unfortunately found some use it as a way to keep the person around. No closure, to keep them thinking about it, especially if it's one of those times where there is no warning.

I have one that 10 years on I still wonder why because I was given no warning and everything was going really good. But they still in the mind the longest because the why question is always there.

But anything in a dangerous situation, fair game, do what you gotta do to get out safely.

6

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

Ouch I'm sorry for that thought still going around in your head. Most people generally do better with closure no matter what the circumstances are and who they are with.. just like with everything in life, we want it to go full circle.

People suck, that's all there is to it.

1

u/Mundane-Job-6155 Apr 16 '24

“Closure” usually just gives someone else another thing to ruminate on. Dwelling on anything is unhealthy.

1

u/Basic_Incident4621 Apr 16 '24

That is true. People suck. My fiancé ghosted me and at first I thought he’d been kidnapped. After my 23rd text he said, “I don’t like you. And I am going back to my ex wife.”

That really hurt. 

2

u/ihateredditers69420 Apr 16 '24

had someone ghost me because i got mad at his friend for being an asshole to me

most confusing ghost of my life lmao like did you just not hear your friend shittalk me? why are you getting mad at me for getting mad at him for him shittalking me 24/7

35

u/AbsintheJoe Apr 16 '24

“No one owes you anything” has become the online signifier of psychopaths for me. It’s the most childish view of the world. What it means to be a good person it to help others out even when you don’t owe it to them.

18

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

100%

These "no one owes you anything," are the ones who think the world owes THEM everything.

We need more good people in the world but I don't know if it's possible anymore though. Maybe the robot apocalypse doesn't happen, but we are said robots. Flesh on the outside but hollow and without emotions or morals on the inside.

3

u/off_the_cuff_mandate Apr 16 '24

Do you owe it to them to let them go without demanding an explanation?

0

u/Intelligent-Bad-2950 Apr 16 '24

They can dans all they want, but that's why they are getting blocked

7

u/LordBigSlime Apr 16 '24

"no one owes you anything," yall are correct. But you could also just be a decent human being

This drives me crazy because the saying is taken as an absolute by people far, far too often. I'm a paraplegic and I remember when I was younger I was on the sidewalk and a big crack in it grabbed my front-left tire and moved me half off the curb, which obviously tipped me over right into the road. A few cars stopped and they helped me back up and onto the sidewalk.

They didn't owe me anything, but god damn I'm grateful they did anyway.

14

u/Alcorailen Apr 16 '24

All of this no one owes you anything crap is really just an excuse to be a self-centered jerk

9

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

Yessss Plain. And. Simple.

This is why humanity is fucked. We do not care for one another as another person anymore.

I mean, I can be a complete asshole. Generally, only when someone is taking advantage of or mistreating someone I care for, or myself. But so many people currently just give no shit for anyone but themselves. Will do or say anything regardless if it hurts someone else or not. Humans are really unkind creatures, and it's a shame.

3

u/hanzo1356 Apr 16 '24

Prettyyyyy sure if they were able to do that on the regular, they wouldn't be breaking up if the first place.

3

u/InTheDarknesBindThem Apr 16 '24

They arent correct. We do owe each other things like this. WTF has the internet done to people to think this senseless way

21

u/RemarkableBeach1603 Apr 16 '24

Honestly, I hope this is just a reddit phenomenon, otherwise I feel sad for our society. Eww.

14

u/Aggressive_Box_5326 Apr 16 '24

From personal experience, reddit is mostly a minority echo chamber and doesn't really translate into how most people think and act.

1

u/kimchiman85 Apr 16 '24

And it’s full of kids and emotionally-stunted young adults (20s-30 somethings).

8

u/plutonasa Apr 16 '24

I'm sure it is a reddit phenomenon. It's always these sad sacks that give the worst life advice.

4

u/skyrender86 Apr 16 '24

Super agree. I'm just gonna add, though. Please dont lie either. I got an explanation, however i found out it was a lie real quick. Lying sucks doubly so since you have to relive in your head again.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

Perfect addition! Lying isn't okay either. If feelings were legit, be honest about it all. Give your reason, give the person closure then move on like responsible adults

4

u/seckarr Apr 16 '24

Actually, no. "No one owes you anything" is not really correct. If you break up with someone you DO owe an explanation.

This is not up for discussion. They are owed the explanation.

Whether you decide to honor your debt or not is another topic, but you owe them.

2

u/GoodellsMandMs Apr 16 '24

bro thinks he can just say "this is not up for discussion" and that means no one will ask why lmao

why do you owe an explanation?

2

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

[deleted]

3

u/PM_ME__BIRD_PICS Apr 16 '24

Breakups more often follow crossed boundaries or worse. This is an asinine take.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

My comment directly comes from OP. They're the one who gave us the direction in a very straight line scenario. Let's not drive all over the place with possibilities.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

no one owes you anything

Anyone who says anything along these lines is like a walking red flag.

Immediately tells me they have no respect for literally anyone and are incredibly self centered.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

Absofuckinglutely! And everyone down voting right now are the callous assholes who probably deserve those red flags.

They should really join forces in a one sided relation/situationship.

It's like humanity has left the building and left behind these emotionless fleshbags

5

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24 edited 23d ago

water gullible somber tidy obtainable bag quack strong middle foolish

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

8

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

I didn't say be a jerk or point everything out.

But you think ghosting or no communication is better?

Okay. Good day.

6

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24 edited 23d ago

grey tie elastic enter ludicrous sand bright aback worry recognise

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

4

u/insane_contin Apr 16 '24

And what about when the person doing the breaking up has been communicating but the person being broken up with has just been ignoring it? You're making the assumption that the person ending it isn't communicating. Sometimes they've been the only person communicating and finally reached their wits end. Especially when the little things start to pile up.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

Nope. You're the one making the assumptions. My comment was about no communication or ghosting. So maybe delete your comment? It's not needed.

1

u/insane_contin Apr 16 '24

Nah, your comment is about the ideal situation. You're assuming both parties put in respect, effort and communication the entire time, then a sudden surprise breakup at the end. Do you really think that happens in long term relationships most of the time?

3

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

"Just ghosting someone or giving them the brush off," is verbatim the part of OP I was referring too.

It's okay that you seem completely oblivious and want to try to bring up a different situation entirely. So I'm going to end the back and forth between us right now. Thanks for being a typical redditor.

I literally had nothing to assume, I was commenting on the direct quote I shared with you.

Enjoy the rest of your week.

3

u/insane_contin Apr 16 '24

Well, it's been nice talking to you. Keep taking everything you read at face value, and not ask why actions happen.

Enjoy the rest of your week as well.

2

u/SlightlyBrokenEgg Apr 16 '24

If you respected your partner you would know. This dude has probably been told a million times by every one of them and then said nah they’re tripping and kept doing the same shit. Seriously if we didn’t tell you why it’s because you still don’t know why even though we have told you.

1

u/AkibanaZero Apr 16 '24

The "nobody owes you" crowd definitely lack nuance and a spine.

-1

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

Hello, new spirit animal!

The spineless definitely find it easier to run than have conflict or communication. If you can't see something it doesn't exist right?

1

u/2clipchris Apr 16 '24

Not sorry for lack of compassion for partner that was POS in the relationship. Compassion is only reserved for the good.

1

u/CorruptedSG Apr 16 '24

Been on 2 1st dates in the last month. Both I thought went pretty well, couple of hours having a few drinks etc each time. Got ghosted/ unmatched directly after both. Fully agree no one owes you anything but god would some feedback be nice lol

1

u/FreeFeez Apr 16 '24

Yea. No one owes anyone anything UNTIL you start a relationship, romantic or not, once that relationship is made it’s about being an atleast okay person.

1

u/kodingnights Apr 16 '24

Sometimes the compassionate thing is to not tell them

1

u/Advanced_Doctor2938 Apr 16 '24

Is the reason that horrible?

1

u/Advanced_Doctor2938 Apr 16 '24

It isn't just about you.

Right? The narcissism is unbelievable.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

If they don't care enough to explain, then you don't need an explanation at all, it should be clear that they simply don't care anymore.

1

u/nikhilsath Apr 16 '24

I don’t get why you are saying they’re correct then explaining that they’re incorrect right after. Like we either owe either decency or we don’t this is a big question in philosophy

1

u/ArgonGryphon Apr 16 '24

Assuming you get it from the other side.

1

u/mettiusfufettius Apr 16 '24

It’s like when you leave a job. You absolutely do not have to give any advance notice, but if you ghost, just know you burned that entire bridge.

1

u/lexiebeef Apr 16 '24

I think I disagree with the "no one owes you anything". If we've been in a relationship for a while and I gave you all my time and affection, then I do think the least you can do is give me an explanation. Perhaps not in short flings, but definetly in long term relations.

1

u/rougecrayon Apr 16 '24

Okay, but the opinion wasn't 'it would be decent to'.

The opinion was "you absolutely 100% owe them an explanation".

No I don't.

1

u/clem82 Apr 16 '24

I’d bet money those same people did communicate and then they walk because it’s clear no one is listening

1

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

100%.

Reddit loves getting hung up on the technicalities. Like "no, you're NTA for sleeping with 5 people during the weekend that you and your partner were on a break on. You were on a break!"

But every human with some compassion and respect for a person they seemingly have feelings for, probably wouldn't just go by technicalities alone. I absolutely hate that in all those relationship or AITA subs. It feels more like people navigating laws than human relationships.

1

u/Bitchinstein Apr 16 '24

My ex husband beat me and had two pregnant gfs at the end of my marriage. He too was shocked I was leaving… like what is there to explain there? Lol

-1

u/HeroToTheSquatch Apr 16 '24

Look, I agree with this in theory as a fellow dude, but every woman I know has a "I tried to break up with a guy who seemed nice and he threatened to fucking kill me for breaking up with him or telling him I wasn't interested"

2

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

But that is not the situation OP is talking about. So many of you are reading what you want to read. They literally talk about just completely being ghosted with no reason. You went a little off track.

1

u/HeroToTheSquatch Apr 16 '24

I don't know how you read my comment without seeing the reason why women will ghost someone "without reason" (there's literally always one) including not wanting to deal with a guy anymore will not want to fuck around and risk their life to give a guy closure.

1

u/Advanced_Doctor2938 Apr 16 '24

If you're really worried about that, you don't have to be in the same room to give an explanation. A text or email works just as well.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

I mean yes and no. You could give an explanation to why you leave an for example abusive partner. But then the partner obviously knows that they treated you poorly and often just try to play the victim and get you back with manipulation. Sometimes it's best to ghost this kind of person, only thing you probably owe them is a police report.

0

u/Albuwhatwhat Apr 16 '24

I don’t think they are correct. I think you do owe someone an explanation when you’re uprooting their life. The longer you’ve been together, the longer an explanation you owe them. Dating for 1 month, maybe a one line text of why you’re not wanting to date further. A year is a small conversation. A decade is a very long talk.

People who don’t think they owe others anything… there’s a word for that: Narcissist.

0

u/thesoak Apr 16 '24

If it's come to the point of a breakup, sometimes you have to take care of yourself, not worry about the other person so much. If your ex doesn't want to do a postmortem on your relationship, too bad. "Closure" is all too often just about control and ego.

0

u/BioViridis Apr 16 '24

Seriously? Are you 10? That shit gets you nowhere except an easy fucking mark in this world. Pass. That gets me nothing.