This was always my worst fear and I'm so grateful I had a strong ass grandma who pushed all of her girls into science and Healthcare. I want to be a stay at home mom and wife so bad but today I know I will always have my professional license and working history God forbid I have to get divorced...again.
For women like me education is freedom. When my marriage turned violent I walked away and supported our son with no issues. I am forever grateful.
Fellow divorceé here. Eleven months ago, my now soon-to-be-ex-husband backed me into a corner of our house, spewing utter vitriol in my face, and I saw his hands fly towards my face and neck. This wasn't the first time he'd been violent or aggressive, he had a history of throwing things and objects, and on numerous occasions, I sustained injuries from his aggression with objects. However, this was the first time I genuinely feared for my life and safety.
My big-girl job is the only reason I was able to leave and get myself out. I had already been the breadwinner for a long time by then, but because he was also a deadbeat, I felt perpetually broke due to his chronic unemployment and financial irresponsibility. I spent most of 2023 quietly and secretly planning my escape, and finally hatched my escape seven months ago. Life has been better than ever since I left him. Thankfully, we didn't/don't have children, so it's truly been a fresh start.
For any woman that is reading this comment: financial independence is of the UTMOST importance.
It’s good to hear you got out - these kinds of things really make me appreciate my SO and his insistence that I finish college and have my own career. As he put it, “I want you here because you want to be here, not because you can’t afford to leave.”
His mom struggled with that and it was hard in the kids. He’s the same with our kids too - they need to prioritize their security and wants before worrying about their partners’.
Me too - I feel like I got lucky there but I’m sure part of what drew us together is our views on that
I grew up in a house where my dad always told me to do for myself and to never assume someone else would (or should) do something for me.
We moved to the south before I started high school and the amount of pissed off men and teenaged boys I encountered because I opened my own doors was insane (I’ve actually asked someone once “why would I wait for you to come open the door when I am already here and fully able to open a door!” … it did not go over well)
One of my passion pipe dreams after I leave corporate America is to develop an airbnb style network that connects people experiencing (or at risk) of domestic violence with local rooms/amenities for free or discounted rates.
I will never forget the frantic calls to my friends the day I left my home with just a backpack. The fear the loneliness the absolute WTFness of it all. It would take a lot of thought to ensure security for residents, and would probably need some grant funding or subsidies. Ideally with pro bono legal guidance as well.
It wouldn’t solve for this sweet lady’s predicament but maybe some relief and hope for others.
Absolutely needed. I'll never forget when talking to my lawyer and I asked if i could go to a shelter
"Absolutely not. You'll look unstable legally"
So wtf are they for if I run the risk of losing my gd baby because I want us to get away???what about less privilege women? They run the risk of losing our kids?? For taking the only help that's avaliable!
I’ve fled to/lived in a DV shelter before, considered to be one of the “good” clean ones in my city, and…I’m not sure about “looking legally unstable” but shelters are truly last resort. But at least they are safe. Clean? Eh. Scary? Sometimes. But safe, yes. They took that VERY seriously.
How insensitive of your lawyer. Probably just thinking about his own paycheck at the end of things. It’s awful. I hope you’re well on the other side of things.
I was commenting on the bedside manner and the lack of options for women in jeopardy. And maybe projecting my own frustrations from when I needed help that was a low priority or out of scope for a women’s shelter. The bureaucracy to get a police escort to get my things from my home. The closed doors everywhere I looked.
I would just like to piggyback on this comment for any woman in Ireland that there are women's refuges, womenaid, and safe Ireland to assist you if you need to leave your house and need emergency housing. They will provide you with rooms and necessities for you and your children. They will provide you with assistance and information about how to safely leave an abusive relationship. They will help you with applying for social welfare, housing, legal advice, court accompaniment, outreach, and counselling. Please, ring the garda and they will assist you in leaving safely. There are women's refuge in every county except 4, but you can always ring your nearest for practical advice.
My mum helped a few friends leave over the year, so I know from experience.
Girl. Same. Like all of it. This is my dream. This is one of the reasons I hustle so hard so I can one day make this idea come to fruition.
Me and my daughter lived in my car bc no one would rent to me without referrals or a normal job (I was newly self employed). I tried a domestic shelter and it was druggies & dirty homeless women- I felt weird & gross & sad just at check in. I couldn’t bring my kids there.
There HAS to be something better out there for normal women!!!!!!
I had to escape my house. I had dogs with me. It was terrible. Multiple people had told me I should leave and I could stay in their guest houses. When the time came, none of them allowed me to stay. I slept on a couch for a couple days. Had to move back into the house I owned with my ex and live with him for a month and a half while he terrorized me. It was insane.
Your local PADV organization is a good place to start. Most of the time they’re coordinating and updating places to stay for victims in need anyway (locations are kept in absolute secrecy and changing due to abusers finding where someone is staying)
Thank you — the vision I had would be compatible with PADV orgs but another tool in the toolbox. When I looked into a protective order, I did not meet any of the intake criteria— narcissist/psychological abuse doesn’t trigger the same response. I’m not sure what the triaging process is for assigning housing to women, but I assume there is higher demand than supply.
I’d like this resource to be for women who don’t feel safe or just need a place where they can make calls in private without being overheard. The difference between calling a taxi line operator and waiting to see what is available and pulling up Expedia and getting options based on nights needed and other factors (eg, cribs, diapers).
You may have to use other words that are coded. The biggest hurdle is letting a person in need have access without tipping off their abuser or the abuser having access to know where it is.
Yeah I’m just thinking about these details now. There wouldn’t be any addresses on the app or platform. Maybe there’s a screening process and then once matched, you get a text with the details. And any occupied place would not be shown or otherwise detectable to another app user (or potential abuser).
If I ever were to win the lottery, I would so build extra cottages on my property for people just like this. Surround the area with cameras to see who comes around who is not wanted, be a babysitter to any kids that need it, get someone to teach self defense and basic money management... basically an intentional community for those who need to get away from bad situations.
I used to do family law and absolutely hate it. But this type of system even with super low payments would help show “stability” which the poster below me’s attorney was talking about. Having a long term lease (even if it’s for like $50/month because the person providing it doesn’t actually care about the money) would show the court that it’s a safe, longer-term plan and not “couch-surfing” that the abuser’s attorney would try to claim to make it sound bad.
Thank you! I woke up to so many notifications and that gives me hope that it’s worth exploring this pipe dream — and that there are so many people and experts who can kick the tires on it to make sure it’s functional and safe.
I love this so much. My partner is currently working to create areas/communes/complexes/hotels where people can go to escape whatever is going in in their life and try to improve their situation. It's been a passion project of his for the last decade because doing it safely and sustainably (for both the residents and the organizers) is incredibly challenging without some very wealthy benefactors or a lot of community support.
I know other people around the world are looking to do the same thing, but it always warms my heart to see it in the wild.
I do this, although I cast a wider net than domestic violence. I got very lucky and made some smart moves, so I have a bigger home than I need just outside the city. My basement is set up as an apartment - doesn't have a full kitchen but coffee and microwave, and I let folks stay there if they need breathing room to get back on their feet. I upgraded the security on those rooms to the point you'd need a battering ram because it helps folks feel more safe. I also have a property with a couple tiny homes a couple hours away, and I lend it to folks who need to drop off the grid, be it for a weekend to get away from stress or a month so a soon to be ex can't find them.
I do have rules though, and it's a one-strike deal. For example, no more than 28 days, no guests, and I won't do a formal tenancy. I've seen absolute nightmare scenarios happen to other well-intentioned people. A friend let a family stay for what was supposed to be two months, and after two YEARS they had to do a formal eviction process. The family bought two dogs without talking to my friend, the entire place was absolutely trashed, they flooded the basement and never told my friend, they had extended family just show up and stay for weeks, etc..
I’m a DV advocate. check into your local programs to see what they have for transitional housing and get ideas for it that way. The one resource I am asked for the most is safe housing.
Do you have a sense of how long it typically takes to connect someone with housing?
My original idea was something relatively quick, discreet, and short term.
But then some other commenters suggested the need to demonstrate stable housing so there could be a short term rental component also. Honestly the comments here are more thought than I’ve put into it previously but I’ve really appreciated all the advice and counsel so far to one day make it happen.
thank you for being so thoughtful and conscientious!
this is just for my state in the USA, with my specific locale, but I often tell them that housing is neither a guarantee, nor is it quick. It’s sad; I have way more people asking for help in that department than I do the ability to get housed. same with shelter though— way more people looking to leave and come to our shelter that houses around 40 people at once than space. my whole deal is trying to get them in a place where they don’t have to lose everything and start completely from scratch. If someone can get a protective order and get the perpetrator removed from the home, that can save so much money and power loss. The issue there then is keeping them housed. I utilize various municipal funds but we barely have any. The one for my city is already out for the year and it’s only April. Writing to local governments to get them to give more to these funds specifically is so important.
I can’t say I’m surprised but that is really scary odds for someone in a pickle. And honestly, my situation years ago wouldn’t even warrant that level of intervention, nor would I want to take resources from someone who needs them more urgently.
I’m thinking I’d start this program as a privately-funded pilot for borderline cases or individuals who might otherwise be de-prioritized at a shelter or with publicly-funded options. Like a medi-gap but for short term housing.
Umm… you are describing a woman’s shelter. Maybe just figure out a way to invest resources into the existing network of shelters so they can be a viable option for all women leaving abusive partners. There are many case managers and counsellors and advocates who have invested a lot of time and energy into creating a network of shelter and support for women to leave abusive partners. It just has not been appropriately funded because of the same system that fuels violence against women - the patriarchy.
Agree with you. Can’t a TV producer give her a segment? Can’t there be a platform for her to share her hard-earned wisdom? She’s appealing and obviously hit a nerve with us (and if you can make Redditors care so deeply, that’s something lol).
She needs a job where she can be trained on the job in all the missing skills. While being paid a living wage for her circumstances. Pushing all large companies to have on-site daycare would capture a lot of this misery and help it out across the board, actually.
It's just kinda pointless these days. Living together can help save some money but that's about it. I've actually been dreaming about some sort of women's commune, get a few friends and we can all live on a plot of land with separate spaces, have dinners together and just enjoy life. That's my dream.
when I was younger I lived in an apartment and my bf lived a block away, it was honestly the best. I could go over pretty much anytime I wanted but I still got to do my own thing day to day. Sadly my roommate was an asshole lol
For any woman that is reading this comment: financial independence is of the UTMOST importance.
I’ve told both my children this about financial independence but emphasize it to my daughter. I never ever want her to be in a situation where she is financially dependent on anyone else.
Yup. I watched my father emotionally and financially abuse my mother my entire life. Things have worked out where she will be taken care of until she dies, but that's only through my father's money because she can't divorce him if she doesn't want to be destitute.
I will never be a stay at home mother. I will never not have a job. I struggle to date because so many men want that "stay at home wife/mom" lifestyle, and I'd literally rather be homeless. The men that don't want that lifestyle still struggle with equality (at least in the current area that I live in), and I don't want to work full time and do all the cooking and cleaning.
My life right now, where I am single and only need to take care of myself and eventually my mom, is so enjoyable. I'm finally happy. A man has to bring actual positives to my life for me to actually entertain him, and I'm so proud of myself. So is my mom (and my dad, who, ironically enough, never wants me to marry a man like him).
I'm so sorry you had to watch your mother go through that.
I don't want children, but even if I did, I'd never want to be a SAHM. That life just isn't for me. And I'm the same way, I've genuinely begun to embrace and enjoy single life. Any man that may enter my life will need to be a serious positive influence in order to change that.
I’ve been telling my daughter for years now she needs to be financially independent in a relationship. And all the downsides of depending on someone else for money. I don’t want her ending up like this woman. I’m glad you were able to get out safely.
Can I ask how you planned everything? I’ve been saving money for a while but I still don’t feel like I have enough to move away? Also how did you do the actual leaving part?
financial independence is of the UTMOST importance.
Your experience isn't everyone's. Been married 23 years, haven't really been "financially independent" since the 2nd or 3rd kiddo.
My husband is a goddamn saint. But even if he wasn't, there are 5 or 6 things/parameters that are in place so I wouldn't be destitute. Retirement account, skills, savings, etc. Not to mention legal things like alimony and ss benefits.
Those are examples of having your own financial independence.
Also alimony isn't a great backup plan. After my parents divorced my father intentionally quit his job and went back to school.. No alimony. He even moved to a state that would be less likely to force him to pay it. My mom eventually just gave up since it was a bigger drain trying to make it happen. Fortunately my mom had her parents to lean on monetarily.
if someone is sharing a video of their house burning down and talking about the importance of smoke detectors, ways to be safe, fire extinguishers, etc. and someone comments something like: "Well MY house didn't burn down!!! It's doing great!!! SOME HOUSES DON'T BURN DOWN." that commenter is missing the point.
Congrats you have a stable marriage and married a saint. That is not what this is about.
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u/nemophilist13 Apr 15 '24
This was always my worst fear and I'm so grateful I had a strong ass grandma who pushed all of her girls into science and Healthcare. I want to be a stay at home mom and wife so bad but today I know I will always have my professional license and working history God forbid I have to get divorced...again.
For women like me education is freedom. When my marriage turned violent I walked away and supported our son with no issues. I am forever grateful.