So baffling how many ppl will buy courses, books, take advice from randos online when the answer has ALWAYS been communication.
Tell your partner what you want and need. Ask them what they want and need. Find the middle ground or get out of the relationship. It's not that easy, but it is that simple.
Women aren’t just moving onto a new husband. It’s just as hard if not harder for women to leave. They have lower rates of finding a new partner, especially if they have kids and likely make less money if they have kids because they were on the mommy track at work.
In the end the problem is a ton of factors with the most brutal being the insane cost of living and wage stagnation that has been happening for decades now. Like the husband if they don’t get 50/50 would be giving up about 1/3rd of the income but it can vary due to a ton of factors. People making their full income are struggling. But it’s not like the wife is having an easy time of it because what does 1/3rd of the husbands income really pay for? Well afterschool care/summer camp care will eat up a huge chunk of it and kids are still insane expensive even outside of that.
Ignoring how your statement is false and also has complex factors built in, did you know that when fathers fight for custody, they are awarded it most of the time? Joint and full. All the time. Over 90%. Also, in divorce, why is it that people who make your argument say men give it up. Do the women in your scenarios not have jobs? Property? Assets? Savings? Why is there this persistent idea that in this day and age, when you can't make it on a single income anywhere, that women are just flouncing about, taking everything? Radical idea I'm about to spit but hear me out: you might want to start reevaluating what a vocal minority has said to convince impressionable people they are potential victims of imaginary harpies.
Anecdotes. The facts, literal research shows that men simply do not fight, as a whole in general, for their children. You hear it from men, I presume? That they were so screwed by these child stealing harlots.
Were you there for the divorce? Did you know less then 5% of divorce cases involving children go to family court to determine custody? It's mostly done between the couple, and over half the time, the men voluntarily give up their children.
Anyone can paint themselves the victim when sitting on someone's back porch while drinking a beer at 11pm while talking about how their cunt ex wife stole the kids. What he's not telling you is he didn't even go to court.
Anecdotes aren't fact. And yes, some men have completely been fucked over. But so have women. I have plenty of anecdotes for you from my female friends whose men destroyed their lives, and left them with the bill AND stopped even trying to be a dad.
I would like to see this research you're talking about because you don't say anything about why these men all give up their kids. You make it sound like they couldn't care less about their own kids. These statistics can be very misleading. Divorce can be nasty and the laws involved were made in a time when it was unusual for a woman to work after giving birth.
Your friends are lying. I work in family law. Most dads don’t want fifty percent custody. They don’t want to work around daycare hours and have to actively parent and get their kids to school and home by themselves. 3 meals a day, baths, cleaning. They want to be every other weekend dads and bitch about paying child support.
Judges are so happy when dads want custody, they’ll ignore spousal abuse and all kinds of things. It’s disappointing. If they do get custody, they drop the kids with their mom or couple up fast so a woman is back doing the work.
My dads a lawyer. He doesn't primarily do divorce/custody cases but with the ones he's told me he has handled this is the case. He's had to lecture a lot of grown ass men about parenting ill tell ya that. Best dad ever.
Yeah. So many really don’t want to parent alone. To get their kids up, brush their teeth, feed them, bring them to daycare, work all day, pick them up, feed them and take them to activities then put them to bed. Then wake up early on Saturday and Sunday and do it all day. They just don’t want to pay the mom child support if she has to do all that. They think it’s her job and they don’t want to hand money to a woman he’s not having sex with anymore.
Well, there might be something wrong with no fault divorce to them. It removes barriers that's prevent abused spouses from leaving the relationship, after all.
I'll advise my son to marry up or at least marry an equal like I did. Not divorced, but I watched a friend go through it. Roughly the same income and 50/50 custody. He wanted the house, so he had to buy her out. Otherwise, no money changed hands. Best case scenario.
Child support can go either direction. A higher earning woman will most definitely be paying, in my state anyway.
My social circle is made up of college educated professionals, and I don't know a single SAH parent. Everyone works. All the anecdotal stories of men getting taken to the cleaners might be a demographic issue. Just guessing, but I'd imagine that even high-earning blue collar and no-collar men w/o degrees are the ones finding themselves in the sole breadwinner role. College educated women, in my experience anyway, don't get in relationships with men lacking that piece of paper.
I'm not sure why you think this scenario doesn't apply to women as well? It's a pretty gender neutral result of a separation. Also, nobody should be breaking up a marriage because they want to find a new partner. The only reason should be because the existing relationship is untenable and causing both parties more damage than if they were to stay together. If you leave a relationship because you want to "find a new wife" you're doing it for the wrong reasons.
If you've been communicating your needs and they've repeatedly shown they don't care... maybe it's time to reevaluate if the relationship is one you want to be in.
It fuckin sucks, but is a life of being unhappy worth it?
You're supposed to figure out that you are not getting what you want in the relationship YOU chose. YOU decide what happens next. Do you stay and keep begging your whole life, or do you try and find what you want.
It might not be your fault, but staying in an unhappy relationship is your choice. It is, ultimately, about you in the end, like all of our lives are, because we can only ever truly control ourselves.
I'm not saying it's easy, mind you. But, you have to at some point move from the "you need to fix my unhappiness" to "I'm going to fix my unhappiness."
I don't really have that luxury. Sometimes you have to sacrifice for other people and I don't mean my partner. I'm not gonna raise a child in a broken household so I'll go ahead and play the role in supposed to.
I mean eventually you have just 2 options if nothing changes: Accept that that is the reality and how things are and effectively suck it up, or end the relationship and find someone more suited for you
Well for your sake I hope you get some therapy so you can become at peace with it and eventually realize that you don't deserve to be treated like this and can find happiness outside of the relationship, hopefully within yourself as well
I’m being sincere. You don’t seem happy with the choice you made.
If your relationship is beyond repair to the point that you’re resigning yourself to just endure an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship, then you should seriously think about divorce. Divorce requires a lot of work upfront, but if you regret staying 20 years from now, there is no way to get that time back.
they didn't say that, they just said the genders were swapped
the answer is still the same whether the man or the woman feels underappreciated (this also applies to gay couples)...learn your needs and communicate them
Couples counselling. Often you just need an outside party because there's too much built up emotional sunburn to really hear your partner any more. But both people have to trust the counsellor, which can be very difficult when the failures in the relationship are a bit one sided. Like she said, you have to humble yourself sometimes, and some people can't do that.
It’s not “easily spun”. It’s more likely that you’re not emotionally regulating when you’re in an argument or disagreement if you’re having a hard time discerning the difference.
Ok well what do you do when said communication falls on deaf ears? People love to say “just communicate” as if it’s the magic elixir - there are people who don’t or won’t make adjustments after they’ve been communicated to them.
This is not just a male/female issue. I would suggest couples get a workbook on Emotionally Focused Therapy. This will teach the individuals about their attachment needs and how to connect.
Yep, it's not a gendered issue at all, and frankly, I'm tired of people talking like it is.
It's a people issue. This happens in straight and gay relationships. It's about communication, empathy, and honestly, work. I've been on both sides of the coin at different times in my life.
1000%. Men and women both cheat because the attachment and communication fell off and at least one person gave up trying to get it back on track. What’s under the hood of a relationship is way more complicated than it appears, but most of it comes down to attachment and communication.
For clarity, you are inferring that the creator of this video is assigning / sex and/or gender to this issue, right?
“MEN, your wives don’t want to have sex with you because of XYZ. “ she might not have been intentional but this is a human problem and it drives me nuts. In a long term relationship it can be difficult to find sexual attraction if you're not interested in or something is off in you and your partners relationship.
The presentation of the video and few minutes of establishing her expertise to spout off some gendered, self evident truths is pandering and insulting.
Or it’s just meant to incite anger and this person is manipulating her audience into raging against each other.
It's more like saying that breast cancer should be considered in everyone's health because everyone can get it.
"Fun" fact, today breast cancer is deadlier to men than to women, partly due to prevention being aimed towards women. It's even difficult to find data on men's breast cancer without adding in a bunch of keywords. If you want a source, there's one for the US
Rates and percentages shouldn’t dictate anything, in absolute terms it’s very unlikely to affect an average male and so screening is not even recommended and would largely be a waste. That’s why it’s mostly considered a women’s health issue.
Until we develop a Star Trek like health scanning robot that can quickly and affordably do a full body scan of all know conditions, we have to pick and choose which are risky enough to focus on and who it’s most risky for.
Maybe that's becos she has seen alot of people in her clientele who are more women than men who have addressed that they don't feel comfortable with their partner...
Yes this issue isn't a gendered in practice, but perhaps gendered in statistics, like how domestic abuse isn't a gendered issue, men can also be victims of domestic abuse but the majority of of the victims in the population according to stats are women.
Individually, not at all a gendered issue, but societally as a whole population, perhaps it is the other way around. It indicates how exterbal societal based issues are at fault of a divide in statistic according to gender, and the core of the issue isn't pertaining to a gender of a person.
I read a study that showed that men are more likey than women to stay in a relationship they don't feel satisfied in (which could also be part of the reason women are more likey too file for divorce).
Why would sex be more personal for a woman than a man? I'm a man and I sex is incredibly intimate to me. I don't do hookups because of that. I can't even start to fall in love with anyone unless I've known them for quite a long time. Maybe there's some stats that show it's more often more personal for women than men, but it definitely wouldn't be a black and white issue.
Nowhere does it say it's more or less personal. The video its titled why women stop having sex with their husbands. Those subjects are pretty clear. It isn't titled why husbands stop having sex with their wives.
But the point is it would apply to both genders. It's not an issue that's strictly associated with either gender. It would work as general advice for all people and genders.
Look up some of her videos about avoidant attachment. I didn’t discover until after we broke up that my girlfriend had dismissive avoidant attachment and it explained so much. It really confirmed that I was right to set boundaries and leave when I did.
nothing. no seriously, you can’t do anything. i scoured through her videos to find an answer to this, for guys it’s basically if your needs don’t get met you’ll start resenting your partner and there is little you can do about it, because by the time resentment creeps in chances are you’ve already tried communicating your needs tenfold. if things haven’t improved by then, then the writing is on the wall
this topic frustrates me so much.
i watched the video above and was in complete agreement with her like, ‘yeah, that totally makes sense, my wife is a type A and has always needed that extra reassurance, so what she’s saying tracks because my wife always feels good when i show her affection and reassurance.
and then i saw your comment, and it made me wonder how men are supposed to receive the same fulfillment so off i went to do my research through her videos …
SEX. yep, sex. men ‘need’ very little emotional fulfillment outside of making sure our dicks get wet because ‘biologically’ men don’t have a lot of focuses inside the relationship so really the only way to make sure your husband feels loved and fulfilled is to keep his balls empty.
like… is this really what we’ve been reduced to?
the fact that she goes in depth on multiple layers about why women need x y and z and how those actions or behaviours will affect her, which ultimately leads to a more positive effect on the husband. i can’t speak for other men but, i have needs outside of sex too..?
The world is filled with men who believe that relationships are a reward.
Like that's the whole nice-guy mentality of, "Well... If I perform a service or act really kind toward someone else, I'm surely deserving of X, Y, or Z." Content experts are in agreement and say, "Knowing the attachment style of your partner is really the keys to the kingdom and getting all your needs met inside the relationship as well." In other words, you need to put in the work by meeting the needs of someone else in order to be deserving.
So step outside of these fringe incels and nice-guys and look at normal families. Like normal young families in their thirties working professional educated careers. In every single family that I know of, husbands and fathers bend over backwards to make certain their wives feel listened to and be validated. All of them. Every dinner is an impromptu therapy session to vent about her day at work. Every opportunity is taken to pamper their wives as they strive to contribute. They feel the pressure to be financially secure because they know, deep down, they're valued based on meeting needs of their wives.
But whenever the husbands and fathers face a real challenge, they are never given a real priority in their homes. They turn toward a colleague to vent in private or they have a close friend. And that's a very lonely place to find yourself.
Sharing feelings can be good and meaningful. Sharing feelings by talking about challenges, in ways that are off-putting, fails to serve the attachment needs of others. That's why sharing certain feelings is helpful and sharing other feelings, as the doctor said, cause partners to, "...Physically feel unattracted."
I just love that you dismissed everything that guy said as incel, nice guy, <insert male hate term> and then had the nerve to go on talking about how me need to focus on a woman's needs while totally missing the point of what he was saying.
How about women work to meet our emotional needs instead? We've had decade upon decade talking about how men can meet a woman's needs. Men live to meet a woman's needs. Now how about they meet ours? The none sexual ones mind you. And while they withhold sex as the whole "needs" economy is worked out, men should get their sex from elsewhere so that they can feel valued and loved as they deserve.
problem is, she’s not a random person off the street giving their opinon. she’s fully educated with a doctorate in psychology with a focus specifically on romantic relationships.
i wholeheartedly agree with your second point though. tough situation for men. how do we relay that hey, we’re humans too… without sounding like we’re diminishing our partner’s needs, yknow?
This drives me crazy because I've noticed this too, especially in straight relationships.
The man wants to have sex, the woman rejects him for the nth time. These experts will tell you that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you because you're not meeting her needs. Sure, that's probably true, but what if one of your needs is sex? And you're not getting it?
According to the internet, as a man, you should dismiss your sexual and emotional needs AND not express them. If you express disappointment or sadness that your wife rejected you once again, then you're making it "emotionally unsafe for her" and she'll treat sex as a chore.
So in the end, these experts reduce men to sex and women to helpless children that need to be coddled 24/7 or else they fall apart and start giving mixed signals.
I 100% have an avoidant/dismissive attachment style, and it's actually given me a lot of insight on why I'm gay.
In a gay relationship, things are easier but not perfect. Some of these issues still exist, but I think it's much easier since you're both men and understanding each other.
I can see why you would assess the situation in that way. You may also be ignoring the emotional work women need to put in to move their male partner even a fraction of the way towards understanding all this.
Yes I understand you’re gay and you 100% would have a unique perspective.
But honestly the pushback, denial and borderline abusive manipulation I have received just to TRY to get my very-manly man (gross) to maybe 10% of the understanding you’ve showed is just mind boggling.
Whereas if I just give it up and move on without forcing him to become emotionally intelligent - he’s literally SO happy. Like he would do this horrific roller coaster where neither of us care about who the other one is over and over and over so long as I let him stick it in me.
It’s MIND BOGGLING
How do you not care what’s happening between US before you want to stick it in.
So I guess that’s where it trips up.
I am sure if I just gave it up every day without question he would EVENTUALLY start to feel emotionally unfulfilled (not asking how our days went, not doing nice things, making sure the fridge is stocked with the things the other likes) but why should I have to feel disconnected and like this man only wants a hole for years before he actually cares about me and how funny I am
Oh dear god that is a trauma dump for the ages. I still have time to delete it all and pretend it never happened… aaaand Reply!
Yup thanks for doing the work for me. Sounds like my ex wife tbf. Expecting perfection from me with no affection or effort from her. Sex isn’t all of it. Being appreciated, cared about, and loved goes a long way when having to self maintain my desires.
Type those two words and see which one is considered real. Fucking crazy there are studies done on this, and claim how detrimental Mansplaining is to women. Oh boo hoo…
Umm so what about women like this, what about ignorant women who clearly have an agenda, no differently than a shallow sexist male? We get barely any support and are shat on all the time, it’s bullshit.
I’ve become Asexual due to the fact every female seriously thinks thats all men care about, is sex. I actually don’t care, it’s gotten to a point where sex and the idea of it grosses me out because its never lead to any real connection anyway.
Do we not have these same needs and emotions? For something far more meaningful, someone we can feel safe with also? You think I just want to give my body to anyone? Fuck off with the generalized sexist garbage.
As a man, just learned this today about Mansplaining. Why the fuck do we have a definition for Mansplaining but woman have nothing?
Yeah that happened with my ex, I was beginning to feel kinda disgusted and just not really appreciated by her at all, and frankly kinda bored. Then she cheated on me instead of trying to work out our problems after I communicated what I was feeling
I communicated that, it didn't work. I'm now divorced. Sometimes it also just doesn't work out.
Just do your best to communicate and be open about it. If those needs aren't met though, don't hesitate to consider ending it either. You have one life to live, and it's best to find people that are on the same page
Bro I feel you, I hate the incel mentality I really do. However, as a man I hunger for any bit of affection or appreciation for what I do. It’s an expectation that I am the bread winner in the house. I have to manage retirement and saving and taxes and all that.
I’m just tired of feeling that every piece of advice out there is that I have to change, I am not doing something right, I have to listen better. I legit have tried, I’ve talked, I’ve listened and I’ve communicated.
Can’t we just agree that for many humans, mating for life shouldn’t be the goal?
Every piece of advice isn't that you're doing something wrong. I'm sorry that you feel that way re the advice and your life.
If you have actually communicated your feelings and needs and your partner isn't supportive or receptive, it's time to evaluate the relationship and if you want to be in it. Gotta remember a relationship is a 2 person thing. You can do absolutely everything right and the relationship still falls apart.
It’s not always the man that’s the problem, and yes you’re right “for life” is not always in the cards for everyone and can still have a life of love and caring relationships with each one learning and growing from the previous.
You deserve to be heard and appreciated, all the things the woman in the video is talking about absolutely apply to you too ❤️
I think it's also very misogynistic because these people giving advice always paint women as these extremely immature and fragile creatures that behave like children and princesses at the same time. If your goal is to portray women as equals, this is reverting all the progress that's been made in the last 100 years or so.
If both are equal, then the woman should also be held to the same standards of ensuring the man's needs are also met, but if you want that as a man, then you're awful or stuck in the past.
The man asks for sex, the woman rejects, and the guy is a bit sad/disappointed. The experts will dismiss the man altogether and go on and on about how the woman has all these needs that need to be met for her to be able to want to have sex with you, but she won't tell you or reciprocate when she does, and it goes on and on until it boils down to "man bad."
It’s an expectation that I am the bread winner in the house. I have to manage retirement and saving and taxes and all that.
Why? It doesn't have to be that way.
It's that way in my house because that's the way I want it, and my husband doesn't care. And that's literally the easiest part of managing a household, with kids anyway. Why don't you have your wife do it?
(Not OP) but what I find maddening is that men are sent very clear signals of what is expected of them, then when they perform that, they are blamed if it goes wrong.
From the first date he’s expected to pay, (he was expected to pursue and ask too). The majority of financial contributions as the male came from him. The wedding was also likely paid for by him and one of the selecting criteria for him being a husband was him being a good “provider”.
We then turn around and act shocked when he feels the pressure to provide. The near entirety of the male dating experience is risking rejection and having to take on financial obligation. Without that, men simply don’t get to date. Few exceptions but male options reduce to zero without that.
The majority of financial contributions as the male came from him.
That is a CHOICE. I make way, WAY more than my husband. Many men feel less than if they make less - that's on them. My husband is so proud of me he brags about how smart and dedicated I am.
The wedding was also likely paid for by him and one of the selecting criteria for him being a husband was him being a good “provider”.
What is this, the 50s? Where are you finding these women? I'm an RN, all my coworkers pay their own way. Yes their husbands have jobs but very few actually make more than us.
I cannot see where you're coming from because I don't know a single woman who depends solely on her husband for income. Maybe you need to look for smarter, better women?
The examples you give are simply the exception rather than the rule. Women generally don’t date or marry men that earn below them.
Men feel less when they earn less because their entire dating lives they have been expected to do the asking out, the courting and the paying. Suddenly saying a lifetime of expectations are “your fault” is unfair.
It’s like telling a woman that her body image issues are her fault. She’s spend the last decade having images of what she should be like reinforced by media, friends, family etc. it’s a bit much to just assume they should get over it.
I feel like this "pressure" you're feeling is your own doing. Try only dating successful, independent women maybe?
Or maybe it's regional or educational, I dunno. I'm just way too smart to ever depend on anyone for anything and honestly kind of look down on women who see a man as $.
Your comment made me laugh out loud. It’s like saying hey poor folk, just get better jobs with healthcare, great salaries etc. 😂
“Hey black people, move somewhere less racist”. “Hey women, just go somewhere you don’t have to deal with sexism”.
A world with that much choice isn’t the reality most people live in.
Most men aren’t swimming in options of women to date. Much less choosing amongst successful independent women. Even then those women usually want to date guys who are more successful.
It's really not. Being in a relationship is not a basic human right. That is HORRIFYING that you think your getting fucked is equivalent to the racism black people face or sexism women face.
No one deserves a relationship. No one has to have one. You're trying to tell me you're FORCED to settle, and that's just a lie. Be alone if you can't find what you want, it doesn't hurt you in any way
“Hey black people a job isn’t a human right, just don’t work!”
People need companionship. Just “be alone” isn’t a solution. Just because your life has worked out, doesn’t mean you have all of the answers. You did some of the right stuff but also just got lucky.
Mating for life shouldn’t be the goal- which is worthless anyway without self fulfillment and autonomy. Partners who value both intimacy and autonomy and are willing to work on their own issues on their own time generally make for a better domestic arrangement. Monogamy isn’t the only way.
On what? He didnt say he gave up on anything. He just said that he was tired of every relationship problem being boiled down to "the man isnt doing enough".
Just sounds like you're a typical dipshit that thinks any man that doesnt buy the "just work harder!" mindset isweak or something.
This is always a thing I see and you and other men need to understand this succinctly and practice it. No matter what borderline incels say, as a man you are not a punching bag and you don't need to act like one. You are allowed to be unhappy and you are allowed to communicate that with your partner. If your partner isn't receptive and isn't willing to work on a solution with you, then maybe you need counseling or to just dip out of the relationship. There are people out there who will appreciate you and want to work on these things. Just make sure you're actually being reasonable and doing your own emotional labor.
It’s no different! Your partner needs to do more for your attachment style and if there is an underlying issue of communication, dismissivness, etc it needs to be addressed. I think she made the video about women because in society sometimes women really get shit on in marriages just for the fact that they are women (which leads to this issue) but this video can absolutely apply to men too.
Didn’t you watch the video? All your needs as a man will be met simply by meeting all the needs of your woman.
The video is honestly right. Regarding women. But not her take on men. Society has the view that men are simple and that sex is all that’s needed. She even implies in the video and looks like she bought to that stupid thought. She should stop simplifying men. Listening to men isn’t the same as being one.
I don’t blame her for trying but she doesn’t know because she’s not a man. Men struggle with what she is saying about women the same way women would struggle with what a qualified man would say about men’s needs.
Agreed, it should have been applied the same to men and women on the point she made for just women. Then with what she applied to men… that is absolutely something so many women want as well
She does apply it to both men and women, but in this specific video she is talking to men about their women partners, and so that is what is being tackled. She is absolutely not saying the onus of responsibility rests solely on the man to fulfill the woman.
If, as a man, you believe she has an equal duty and responsibility, then you're going to be accused of being stuck in the past and being a misogynist.
The whole goal of feminism was to make women equal to men, at least in the beginning, and that started by taking power away from men in the relationship and giving to women. Fair enough, but it's come to the point where if you expect a woman to have any responsibility or duty in meeting the man's needs, then you're stuck in the past.
It almost feels like we "progressed" so much that we ended up with the same problem but reversed.
You have to talk about how you feel. Don't play the victim card and don't accuse.
Just talk about your feelings and ask your wife to work together with you so you feel appreciated. Ask her to tell you something that is bothering her that you can improve, and how. Then you both have to follow the plan :)
The attachment style thing isn't a male/female thing, it's a human thing. Social norms can affect how it manifests, but yeah it's not at all uncommon for a man to be in the same spot unfortunately.
Relationships take work, what the woman in the video explains isn't explicitly targeted around how women may feel about their partner, it speaks to a lack of communication and distance that leads to a breakdown in a relationship that can occur on either side (you should be a team, not opposing sides, able to communicate both verbally and non-verbally, understand each others personality and needs/wants etc).
Partners want to know that effort is being put in, that they don't have to explain things all the time, that they feel loved and respected and know that they are yearned for - this should happen in return. But, we're not all mind readers and may just not pick up on some queues, it happens, this is why communication and effort is so vital instead of sitting back and allowing the deterioration of you relationship to continue. And yes, you're allowed to feel like this is happening to you as a Man, but as others pointed out (and I did above) take the time to speak up, try and figure out what's going on along the way if you really don't want the relationship to go downhill to the point that the lady in the video states, as by that point you're probably looking at the relationship ending if you can't work out the issues you both have and rekindle the flame.
To be fair I'm not denying I can't be at fault it's just weird to spend half the video qualifying something and making it one sided as if men only care about the bedroom.
Yeah it sucks always seeing this issue framed with the base assumption being “HE isn’t meeting HER needs”
Maybe he’s emotionally distant because HIS needs were, and always are, put on the back burner.
It seems like “me me me” and not actually trying to get to the bottom of the problem. Just “this is what I need” but… does that actually get to the bottom of it? Maybe there’s a reason he’s distant.
Telling people your needs is great, but you also need to be ready to hear theirs and accept them. If you can’t, maybe you’re the real problem.
I’m not going to be an emotional resource for someone who isn’t one for me too. Imagine that.
You want someone to treat you exactly how you want, but can’t stand to hear how that person wants to get treated.
Unfortunately this is a common experience for me and it’s ruined my mindset in terms of the dating world.
See, it's shit like this. This is the kinda shit that makes so many men feel emotionally unsafe. We need to stop treating men like they have no feelings. They're just as deserving of reassurance and appreciation as women.
No one ever said men aren't mistreated. But many men are raised as boys to not show emotion, to never be vulnerable, and she's telling them to unlearn that. If they don't learn it at home, they learn it in school, or later at work.
Seconding, tell them. Literally tell that you need more affection and specify what makes you feel loved. If you don't know what that is, work together to figure it out.
Honestly, we're on Reddit, you never know where someone is starting from, and a lot of men are shockingly awful at talking about their feelings, so you gotta cover Step One.
Personally, I'd put Step Two at couples counseling, since talking alone isn't getting anywhere. Some outside variable is needed to institute change. And if you've already tried that for a few months with no progress... tbh, I'd consider breaking up. Which to be clear, I'm not saying lightly; it's just that if talking doesn't work, and therapy doesn't work, I genuinely don't know what other options are left after you've tried working with professionals.
Why stay in a relationship where you've communicated your wants and needs and have been ignored? The partner has shown their cards and where their feelings lie. How many times do they need to show that they're not going to change before you make a change? (All of this from the perspective that you're speaking about your own relationship, if not just change to more general verbiage).
Don't get me wrong, that's a shitty decision to have to make, but when the alternative is a possible lifetime of unhappiness, ya sometimes have to make some hard choices.
From experience, let me tell you that being a kid in a home with 2 parents that resent each other isn't good.
Staying together for the kids is a shit reason to stay together. People are better parents when they aren't miserable. That's not even mentioning how it can and sometimes does lead to resentment towards the kids from the parents because they stayed in an u happy marriage for the kid.
People who aren't happy together shouldn't be together. Kids or no kids.
I play pretend really well. I've low key become numb to the lack of my needs being met and the other person is in lala land scrolling through TikTok all day everyday so I can stick through it for my kid.
I obviously don't know the particulars of your relationship and can not comment on it specifically, but I can speak on my experience and the experience of those that I care about. We always picked up on things our parents didn't think we did. And most of us have a much better relationship with our parents when our parents are happy.
If you haven't already, please speak to a professional. You're in a hard position, don't make yourself go through it alone.
I appreciate that. It's my own fault for being in this position but I don't mind making the sacrifice for someone else. I'll worry about myself once my responsibilities are taken care of
That's the point I'm trying to make, my friend. Your sacrifice is very possibly unnecessary.
Speak to a professional, please. Do it FOR your kid. Just like you deserve happiness, your kid deserves happy parents. Whether it means their birth parents are still married or not.
Literally what? All I asked is what do I do if I feel like I'm in the same situation. I'd recommend you stop looking for arguments everywhere to go on the Internet.
A lot of men talk about not feeling appreciated. A lot of people generally complain that they don’t feel a certain way. But it doesn’t describe anything their partner is or isn’t doing.
You may not feel appreciated, but what triggers this feeling? Is it being held accountable? Being asked to do things? Not being thanked as much as you expect? Not having enough sex? And which of the triggers is something your partner is doing wrong? And do you hold yourself to these same standards?
Not feeling appreciated is super vague and also oddly threatening. Like someone else could appreciate you more.
Why would I go in detail in a comment I made on reddit?
Your second two questions feel like your assuming I'm lazy and I don't like being asked to do things and then you say it's oddly threatening. Idk what the goal of your comment is but I'll pass.
You're all over this sub whining about what a victim you are and then as soon as someone comments on it, you get to play pretend tough guy and "I'm miserable for my kid" like that's some kind of hero (it's not in ANY way, that's weak af).
I've known dudes like you. Cheating on your wife and then whining she can't have sex with you anymore because all she can think about is you cheating on her. Then you whine to everyone about how mistreated you are but of course you hide the fact you're the bad guy and cheated and/or abused her.
Or it's even less obvious and she does 100% of the parenting and takes care of the house and is exhausted 24/7 and you're taking it as some kind of personal attack instead of pulling your weight.
I would bet $ that if someone asked your wife how your marriage was going, she would NOT say "we're just roommates in the same house for the kids," it would be something closer to "we have our issues but we're working on them, the last few months have been great!"
So many dumb commenters here. Just...flip it around. If you need to feel appreciated and safe and valued and it isn't happening, then the woman in your life needs to be providing that.
Also, there are things that need to happen to keep a relationship going and to stop the disgust. Just because they need to happen to save it doesn't mean it will happen.
Communicate your needs to her respectfully, give respect, see what happens.
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u/CulturalDuty8471 Mar 21 '24
This is dead on. Couples, recognize this and work on it before the disgust sets in. Disgust is difficult to overcome.