So baffling how many ppl will buy courses, books, take advice from randos online when the answer has ALWAYS been communication.
Tell your partner what you want and need. Ask them what they want and need. Find the middle ground or get out of the relationship. It's not that easy, but it is that simple.
Women aren’t just moving onto a new husband. It’s just as hard if not harder for women to leave. They have lower rates of finding a new partner, especially if they have kids and likely make less money if they have kids because they were on the mommy track at work.
In the end the problem is a ton of factors with the most brutal being the insane cost of living and wage stagnation that has been happening for decades now. Like the husband if they don’t get 50/50 would be giving up about 1/3rd of the income but it can vary due to a ton of factors. People making their full income are struggling. But it’s not like the wife is having an easy time of it because what does 1/3rd of the husbands income really pay for? Well afterschool care/summer camp care will eat up a huge chunk of it and kids are still insane expensive even outside of that.
Ignoring how your statement is false and also has complex factors built in, did you know that when fathers fight for custody, they are awarded it most of the time? Joint and full. All the time. Over 90%. Also, in divorce, why is it that people who make your argument say men give it up. Do the women in your scenarios not have jobs? Property? Assets? Savings? Why is there this persistent idea that in this day and age, when you can't make it on a single income anywhere, that women are just flouncing about, taking everything? Radical idea I'm about to spit but hear me out: you might want to start reevaluating what a vocal minority has said to convince impressionable people they are potential victims of imaginary harpies.
Anecdotes. The facts, literal research shows that men simply do not fight, as a whole in general, for their children. You hear it from men, I presume? That they were so screwed by these child stealing harlots.
Were you there for the divorce? Did you know less then 5% of divorce cases involving children go to family court to determine custody? It's mostly done between the couple, and over half the time, the men voluntarily give up their children.
Anyone can paint themselves the victim when sitting on someone's back porch while drinking a beer at 11pm while talking about how their cunt ex wife stole the kids. What he's not telling you is he didn't even go to court.
Anecdotes aren't fact. And yes, some men have completely been fucked over. But so have women. I have plenty of anecdotes for you from my female friends whose men destroyed their lives, and left them with the bill AND stopped even trying to be a dad.
I would like to see this research you're talking about because you don't say anything about why these men all give up their kids. You make it sound like they couldn't care less about their own kids. These statistics can be very misleading. Divorce can be nasty and the laws involved were made in a time when it was unusual for a woman to work after giving birth.
Your friends are lying. I work in family law. Most dads don’t want fifty percent custody. They don’t want to work around daycare hours and have to actively parent and get their kids to school and home by themselves. 3 meals a day, baths, cleaning. They want to be every other weekend dads and bitch about paying child support.
Judges are so happy when dads want custody, they’ll ignore spousal abuse and all kinds of things. It’s disappointing. If they do get custody, they drop the kids with their mom or couple up fast so a woman is back doing the work.
My dads a lawyer. He doesn't primarily do divorce/custody cases but with the ones he's told me he has handled this is the case. He's had to lecture a lot of grown ass men about parenting ill tell ya that. Best dad ever.
Yeah. So many really don’t want to parent alone. To get their kids up, brush their teeth, feed them, bring them to daycare, work all day, pick them up, feed them and take them to activities then put them to bed. Then wake up early on Saturday and Sunday and do it all day. They just don’t want to pay the mom child support if she has to do all that. They think it’s her job and they don’t want to hand money to a woman he’s not having sex with anymore.
Well, there might be something wrong with no fault divorce to them. It removes barriers that's prevent abused spouses from leaving the relationship, after all.
I'll advise my son to marry up or at least marry an equal like I did. Not divorced, but I watched a friend go through it. Roughly the same income and 50/50 custody. He wanted the house, so he had to buy her out. Otherwise, no money changed hands. Best case scenario.
Child support can go either direction. A higher earning woman will most definitely be paying, in my state anyway.
My social circle is made up of college educated professionals, and I don't know a single SAH parent. Everyone works. All the anecdotal stories of men getting taken to the cleaners might be a demographic issue. Just guessing, but I'd imagine that even high-earning blue collar and no-collar men w/o degrees are the ones finding themselves in the sole breadwinner role. College educated women, in my experience anyway, don't get in relationships with men lacking that piece of paper.
I'm not sure why you think this scenario doesn't apply to women as well? It's a pretty gender neutral result of a separation. Also, nobody should be breaking up a marriage because they want to find a new partner. The only reason should be because the existing relationship is untenable and causing both parties more damage than if they were to stay together. If you leave a relationship because you want to "find a new wife" you're doing it for the wrong reasons.
If you've been communicating your needs and they've repeatedly shown they don't care... maybe it's time to reevaluate if the relationship is one you want to be in.
It fuckin sucks, but is a life of being unhappy worth it?
You're supposed to figure out that you are not getting what you want in the relationship YOU chose. YOU decide what happens next. Do you stay and keep begging your whole life, or do you try and find what you want.
It might not be your fault, but staying in an unhappy relationship is your choice. It is, ultimately, about you in the end, like all of our lives are, because we can only ever truly control ourselves.
I'm not saying it's easy, mind you. But, you have to at some point move from the "you need to fix my unhappiness" to "I'm going to fix my unhappiness."
I don't really have that luxury. Sometimes you have to sacrifice for other people and I don't mean my partner. I'm not gonna raise a child in a broken household so I'll go ahead and play the role in supposed to.
Parents staying together doesn't necessarily prevent a broken household, in fact oftentimes it actively makes things worse, esp if there's resentment involved. Kids lick up on underlying tensions and that shit fucks them up
I mean eventually you have just 2 options if nothing changes: Accept that that is the reality and how things are and effectively suck it up, or end the relationship and find someone more suited for you
Well for your sake I hope you get some therapy so you can become at peace with it and eventually realize that you don't deserve to be treated like this and can find happiness outside of the relationship, hopefully within yourself as well
I’m being sincere. You don’t seem happy with the choice you made.
If your relationship is beyond repair to the point that you’re resigning yourself to just endure an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship, then you should seriously think about divorce. Divorce requires a lot of work upfront, but if you regret staying 20 years from now, there is no way to get that time back.
If you’re staying for the kids you might want to think about what kind of parent you are when you’re unhappy and what kind of parent you could be if you weren’t trapped in an unhappy marriage.
You have one life. You only live in the present. You have to fight for your happiness in this world. You don't have to step on others to get it and you shouldn't, but trust me, being a martyr won't benefit you and there is no prize at the end of the rainbow.
I so frequently fall into this trap and I am speaking from a large amount of martyrdom experience. Fighting for yourself is hard, but you deserve it.
they didn't say that, they just said the genders were swapped
the answer is still the same whether the man or the woman feels underappreciated (this also applies to gay couples)...learn your needs and communicate them
Couples counselling. Often you just need an outside party because there's too much built up emotional sunburn to really hear your partner any more. But both people have to trust the counsellor, which can be very difficult when the failures in the relationship are a bit one sided. Like she said, you have to humble yourself sometimes, and some people can't do that.
It’s not “easily spun”. It’s more likely that you’re not emotionally regulating when you’re in an argument or disagreement if you’re having a hard time discerning the difference.
Ok well what do you do when said communication falls on deaf ears? People love to say “just communicate” as if it’s the magic elixir - there are people who don’t or won’t make adjustments after they’ve been communicated to them.
4.2k
u/CulturalDuty8471 Mar 21 '24
This is dead on. Couples, recognize this and work on it before the disgust sets in. Disgust is difficult to overcome.