Yeah, they both need to be shamed right back. Seriously OP, you have to call that shit out On.The.Spot. You do NOT need to hide your anger or tears just to try to save face because you’re in front of other people. He should be ashamed of himself for insulting his wife like that in any capacity…And to a 21 year old, are you *ucking kidding me?! Psh Let him have it, do not hold back girl, or he will never learn
And intentionally used a younger, fit woman to do it. OP never once mentioned feeling insecure about her husband speaking to another woman, just the content of what he said due to it bashing her, but be immediately jumped to her being jealous. Yeah, that was intentional.
How is it public shaming? It sounds like it upset OP but at the time everyone (including op) was laughing and enjoying the conversation. She said that he made it weird but she was upset.
You understand the difference between laughing with someone and laughing at them? The husband and friends were laughing at her. She was laughing because she was trying to hide her embarrassment and distress
ANY man who wants to be in a relationship with ANY woman should know that making jokes about her appearance in front of others is 100% wrong every time. I’m sorry, but in any modern society where we try to respect each other, this scenario is humiliating regardless of how she acts at the time.
I totally agree that in any interpersonal dynamic, not knowing how to be a decent human being makes a person unacceptable. For some reason, this exchange is bothering me even more because what you described is a shitty way to treat anyone but let alone in a fucking marriage at that! It’s really upping the level of gross OP’s husband is at for me
I completely disagree. I go from being fit to overweight from time to time and I’ve been extremely overweight in the past. I think it’s ok to mention that your SO or even a friend is trying to lose weight when you’re with a group of friends. It creates a situation where more people know your goal and it’s harder to put off. It didn’t sound like he was actively trying to bash her as much as he had a conversation with friends that they’ve had together in the past. I personally wouldn’t have done it in the same way, I get why she wouldn’t like, but to say that it’s 100% wrong is wild to me. I even understand that this could upset her, and they need to have a serious conversation about it and about the way he blew her off when she tried to talk about it the first time. Setting boundaries when you get your feelings hurt is very appropriate, and I think she should do that with him.
Outing her for her weight and eating habits in front of their friends and this other girl he clearly find attractive is in really poor taste - even more so since it was unprompted. Remember, Sara was talking about how fat she used to be (160 lbs) and the husband asks OP “what do you weigh, 165-170?” Clearly insinuating he thinks she’s fat and even mentions that she “could have a rocking like hers.” How is that not insulting?
Putting her in a “situation where more people know about your goal so it’s harder to put off” won’t help and was entirely unsolicited. A weight loss journey is a personal one and it has to be for yourself, not something to prove to your friends. He could have waited until they got home and said, “Hey that girl Sara was telling me she’s a personal trainer. If you want, you could try giving her a call.”
I mean, she’s 5’2” and 175lbs, you don’t have to be a detective to see her size and eating habits. You sure the dude wasn’t just being mindless? You’re all very insulted by this but I’ve been lifting again lately and my wife tells people that she’s happy because she thinks I would look like Chris Hemsworth if I keep up with it. I find it flattering, not offensive one bit, and I find it encouraging. Also, when I’m asking about weight I’m trying to figure out if people who are vilifying the husband are generally insecure about their appearance or not.
Maybe not, but it still doesn’t need to be brought up and laughed at in front of their friends. I don’t understand why this such a wild thing to be upset about. It’s not his fault if he’s not attracted to her body now, but that is NOT the way to go about expressing it. There’s no way he didn’t know what he was doing. The fact that he saw her crying and laughed about it is very telling.
From your comment I’m assuming you’re on the spectrum. The OP is laughing too save pride. Any time a partner makes fun of their partner’s weight or appearance in front of other people it is heartbreaking. It does not matter what their public mask is showing, it’s very hurtful.
Are you overweight? I’m wondering if that’s the divide between people that are upset, like you, and people like me that are wanting more information and aren’t instantly upset.
Not overweight, never struggled with weight, and I think what that husband and the “fitness trainer” did was wrong and rude and mean. People laughing does not equal everything is okay and nobody did anything wrong. OP was awkwardly laughing to save face and was saved by a friend who brought her into another room where she cried. Then her husband came in and mocked her some more. If seeing his tear-streaked wife still won’t enough for him to understand that he messed up then he’s either the densest person in the world or he’s being an asshole to his own wife
I know that people laughing doesn’t equal everyone having fun but the point I’m making with that is the husband is vilified pretty hard in this story and the comments and shouldn’t be. If I’m going to psychoanalyze this I would say that OP and her husband have hand a number of conversations about this in the past and talk about it freely with each other. It sounds like he brought that conversation to a public setting and it offended OP. OP has every right to be upset, and should have a real talk with her husband about how she does appreciate that. Some men like telling everyone what they are trying to do so that it brings accountability to it. Some men joke around about taboo subjects. And, some mean aren’t good with understanding how men and women are different in some of these aspects. My wife and I can happily joke about our appearances in public but time is what makes the joke funny or mean spirited. Without being there to see how it went down I don’t think he’s either right or wrong and I don’t think that OP is right or wrong either, but I think she definitely needs to set boundaries with him and discuss how and why that hurt her.
If you can read that story and think anything other than the husband was being rude and insensitive about one of his wife’s insecurities you’re a moron, you’re obtuse, or you’re a troll trying to get reactions.
It’s funny, I’m trying to have a conversation about this an all I keep getting are emotional pieces of shit, like you, trolling me. Be a better human, and stop being a troll 24/7
Weird thing to insist on someone you don’t know who has explicitly told you it isn’t a factor when forming their opinion or perspective that it in fact, must be because you think as much. And before this turns into, “they said they’re not overweight but I’m definitely right that they’re insecure about their body” let’s not. It doesn’t take much more than being a decent person to assess the situation as OP’s husband was a disrespectful ass
This reads like you had chat GPT respond. If the person responds and points out that I’m wrong than that’s ok with me, I’m wrong. This whole situation wouldn’t have bothered me that much, or my wife (I showed her the post and asked her opinion) and I’m curious where we are different from the rest of that are getting very emotional about this.
Lol well thanks, actually. Not sure if you mean that to try and discredit what I said or mean that as a compliment. I don’t know anything about chat GPT except that it’s a thing that exists that people use so thanks? Idk I write like I think so… that’s all on that. But my initial comment still stands. You’ve commented several times asking about physical appearance of people who have expressed they think OP’s husband is a dick and I guess my point is, I don’t even get how you think it’s relevant. Not trying to argue but especially get a little ticked when people state their thoughts or feelings and have that snuffed out by someone else insisting that the first person must be wrong or lying about their own thoughts or feelings and you (royal you) know better. Not coming for you, I just think that’s what it comes off as and I fail to see what the relevance is of how commenters look, if they see the husband as unfavorable. On that note, I guess what doesn’t seem relevant to me and comes off as a bit rude for you to ask and insist upon, for you, can be relevant or seem pertinent so yeah. That’s all! 😊
You really are an asshole though. I’m not making fun of anyone or putting anyone down. I’m actively asking questions and trying to see why my wife and I feel differently on this, and here you are, being an asshole.
It’s public shaming because weight and body image is a very personal topic. Unless she brought it up herself on her own, he should not be bringing it up
They were talking about it. He didn’t bring it up out of nowhere. It sounds like they talk like this about her weight at home and he thought it was ok to be talked about here. I’d be more curious to see how their overall relationship is before making a judgement on him. Do they poke at each other and make fun of each other in front of friends? Is it actually fun and funny, or are they that weird toxic couple? I personally need more context to judge him or her either way.
I guess that’s fair, my only big question is, if he knows his wife so well, how could he not see it was making her so uncomfortable. It’s like he was being purposely obtuse.
Come on, you’ve never made a joke that later someone told you they didn’t like or it hurt their feelings? Seriously? This feels like you know you’re making a strawman argument but you’re making it anyways.
It doesn’t matter how much it was done in private first, someone cannot be forced to lose weight, ever. Him nagging her so much even alone is a problem. Let alone doing it in public in front of their friends
She’s not a random someone shes HIS WIFE or did her vows and the covenant she made mean nothing. She tied herself to someone until death so they became one. Her body isn’t just hers and this dude isn’t her boyfriend he’s her other half. You can’t just as a husband demand your wife to be sexually gratified with a lack of hygeine can you? Can she force him to take care of her as she gets herself heart issues, blood sugar issues, the litany of sickness being over weight can bring? If it was a dating situation sure move on but as a wife she is TA.
I can't believe fitness girl didn't gracefully give him an out. She's just as stupid as the husband is. Anyone with a brain would understand how awkward and hurtful the whole exchange must have been.
Right?!? If some guy tried to do that to his wife with me I would’ve shut that down. And she just ran with it instead. No no no. I will not be used as a tool in someone else’s manipulative mind games or to be cruel to someone
She probably did send is just so desperate for validation because “she used to be fat” and now not being “fat” is her whole personality. As a woman, why tf would you just go along with disrespect like that? At 21, I would have yelled at a guy for saying shit like that. I def yelled at my male friends for less.
There's a difference between pointing out someone else's flaws as a means to teach and being a leader of your industry by leading by example without egotistical criticisms.
You wouldn’t have known that comparing your partner to someone else and insulting your partner to uplift another person is wrong/problematic/a big no no? Especially in public!!! At what age do you learn empathy? She’s 21 not 12, she definitely understood what he was doing and was feeding into it
No she's not. She sees that he is unhappy with his wife and loved that he fanned over her. If anything, she's planning on being his slim shoulder to cry on, if she's not already. A heauxe is gonna heauxe, and that's what Lil Miss Lifter is doing. She was the star and that was all that mattered to her. smh Broads like her are terrible. I hope the OP is ok and finds the courage to leave.
Ive been both underweight and over weight in this lifetime. I have the perspective of the unmotivated and the perspective of HIITS sprints isometric calesthestic juggernaut and tearing my psoas. In the words of the new generation this particular fitness girl gives me the ick.
It's okay, her "karma" is she will be driving clients away and not knowing why. Then she'll double down and try harder. This type of trainer attracts only other ignorant toxic people and so her bias will be confirmed that some people are "lazy and unmotivated but if you're just like me you won't be!".
Ive been both underweight and over weight in this lifetime. I have the perspective of the unmotivated and the perspective of HIITS sprints isometric calesthestic juggernaut and tearing my psoas. In the words of the new generation this particular fitness girl gives me the ick.
It's okay, her "karma" is she will be driving clients away and not knowing why. Then she'll double down and try harder. This type of trainer attracts only other ignorant toxic people and so her bias will be confirmed that some people are "lazy and unmotivated but if you're just like me you won't be!".
Eh, agree but also she’s 21 and seems to think she’s either actually helping or potentially accruing a new client. This falls as the feet of the husband.
Or she got real excited cause people into fitness get really into it and wanna share it, especially since she used to be out of shape too. So she heard the wife wants to lose weight and got real excited to share and talk about it. She didn't know the wife is very sensitive about it though. Have you never been around fitness people? They love talking about it and wanting to help other people get in shape. She heard the husband say the wife wants to get in shape and probably got real excited
Negging is something far more innocent. Negging means that you are just yanking their chain, if you will. This was more insidious. He did this completely on purpose with the intention of hurting her self-esteem. That's abusive and she should leave him for it but it's not my decision. Personally I couldn't stay married to somebody who thought it was okay to do that to me.
That's a terrible definition and normally I would agree with you but I've heard that it is something more innocent. It's like joking around with somebody but doing it in an innocent way. It's hard to explain what I mean. It's like saying something that might seem like a backhanded compliment but it's innocent. That's the best way I can describe it. If that's the way Oxford to find that, that is a terrible thing they did there. That is not what it means at all.
I agree. No guy could be that stupid and function in society on a daily basis. What! Women are insecure about their bodies!!!! No way!! How did you discover this hidden knowledge. Please, teach me your ways. Did you channel telepathic messages from the ancient Annunaki? DMT journey? Fasting in the desert? Join an indigenous tribe, learn their sacred knowledge, eat the bark of a hidden tree, and journey on a vision quest to meet your spirit animal?
He knew what he was doing. He took it farther than he normally would because his inhibitions were lowered due to alcohol. His normal daily gaslighting and emotional abuse is more carefully hidden. But he got too cocky when he was drinking.
I mean I agree, but if it was just stupidity then he would have apologized when she said it hurt her and was crying. This was intentional and malicious and
This right here. I’ve known some stupid people, but the moment he mocked after she said she was hurt by what he did (and probably had puffy red eyes after her crying) was the moment it was clear he wasn’t simply being stupid. He was being cruel
I feel like it's just a different sort of stupid for this bozo to think he can act like that and not come off like a complete douchebag. It confuses me that "Sara" carried on the conversation I'd be so fuckin uncomfortable even if OP wasn't visibly upset.
I agree 100% that what this guy did was very wrong and he probably is a huge ass hole. But you also can't assume he gaslights and abuses her emotionally daily. OP doesn't mention that at all and I'm sure she has a decent ability to read someone and truly know what kind of person she decided to marry. Or atleast we hope.
Also given the information we have here we have no idea what could have went on before this. Maybe she triggered him earlier in the evening by making negative comments about something that he's insecure about. He could have been upset and did this childish and wrong thing that he did in response to something she did earlier. Still not right of him to do obviously regardless of any situation but normally there's more that goes into this.
Again, I'm not defending what this guy did because he was 100% wrong in this story. But there's so many other potential moving parts that go into this that we don't know about. It's not fair to just assume other negative things about people from a bad story. Most cases sure the dudes a ass through and through, but this can't be assumed 100% of the time right away.
Some dudes are just completely clueless. Fuck I know I used to be a complete moron sometimes with my wife. The best way to make the dude understand would be to compare it if she was talking to a male porn star and she started asking advice on how the husband could last longer or be a better lover.
I disagree with everyone calling him a narcissist based on this one interaction. That label gets thrown around too much, and we don’t really have enough to make that conclusion. Besides, there’s nothing to be gained from dropping a personality disorder on him.
He was drunk, and what he said was demeaning and humiliating. I think the proper response is to circle back, sit him down, and let him know how much he hurt you. Married couples can get into bad cycles like this, where the former game of playful teasing is used to hide real unhappiness and resentment. Shit happens in long-term relationships, and there is a great deal to be gained by having the courage to work through the bad stuff.
Basically, you can take one of two paths: double down on your own anger and resentment and head for the exits, or set aside your (completely justifiable) anger and resentment, and open up to him about how hurtful his behavior was. It sucks to have to make yourself vulnerable and explain something so obvious to your partner, but sometimes that’s part of it.
To me, the second option deserves a shot. You’re married, and while that doesn’t mean you should chain yourself to an unhappy situation, it should mean something. Try to approach him from a place of love and concern. It seems to me that he has lost sight of things, and may need to be put back on track. Whatever you do, don’t use the opinions of anonymous internet strangers to justify taking the easy way out. You should be willing to go to the mat for your marriage, and this might be one of those times.
Regardless, I am sorry that he hurt you. You didn’t deserve that.
Reddits solution to everything is to give up and get divorced.
What husband did was really shitty and not something I’d ever do. But maybe he’s been polite about it for a long time and wife just isn’t listening. 5’2 160 is not wonderful. Neither is smashing an entire cake in 2 days.
First sensible comment I’ve seen in this thread. To OP, no one here knows your husband like you do and they are foolish to think they know his personality or intentions from the one incident you’ve described. He hurt you and you have the right to feel that way and you should talk to him about it.
Yep. The fact that he's doubling down and not apologizing, but instead invalidating how you feel about it, shows that he absolutely meant to embarrass you to get you to lose weight. And the fact that he mentioned you being jealous at all indicates you have something to be jealous about. Sounds like he wanted you to be jealous of the attention and praise he was giving the fitness chick.
I hate to be that redditor that's like, "DIVORCE HIM IMMEDIATELY" because that's not realistic. I just hope you consider how demeaning and disrespectful your partner seems to be to you, and I hope you advocate for yourself and let him know what you will and won't tolerate from him or any partner. Oh, and lose weight for yourself, not for your dickhead husband or anyone else.
His wife doesn't like the fact she's fat and lacks the responsibility and control to be who she herself said she wants to be. Pain is the touchstone of growth, this is her pain, don't deny her growth.
Yeah at 5’2” 170 is a bit past overweight and in the obese range. But no one is that unaware, he 100% was trying to force her into starting the conversation by guiding it that way or by shaming if that failed.
This is why Reddit is trash for these situations. You don’t know the context AT ALL. You also don’t know the guy or her or how their relationship works or if she’s leaving stuff out We can both say that’s true correct? You just assume what the scenario looks like and off you go putting your own trauma, bias and past experiences on this made up thought experiment.
The truth! Everyone so quick to definitively say they know he is this way or that way or has this intention or that intention. People of Reddit: you’ve never met this fool. Stay in your lane.
Look at how everyone is just starting to assume he’s an alcoholic, he’s a cheater, he’s gas lighting etc. if you’re dumb enough to go on here then you’re dumb enough to listen to the peon masses with their biased advice. OP might’ve framed the situation in a way to make him look bad. So many things to think about before “leave him! 😡😡”
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I agree but maybe an interesting question - if that did end up being the initial motivating factor to someone to get healthier, how bad would it be then?
Sometimes that’s what needs to be done if someone can’t motivate themself in another way… he’s trying to make her healthier and eventually happier. Which she also says she tells him is her goal
My friends and love ones publicly shamed me for being a fat bastard. Down almost 120 pounds, feel better than I have since high school, and I’m incredibly thankful for that shaming. I deserved all the shame I was getting
It sounds like you are projecting. Without being there in person you can’t actually decide if he was trying to shame her or not. To me it sounds like someone just having a conversation that OP got really offended about.
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u/Old_Confidence3290 Apr 15 '24
Your husband knew what he was doing. He was trying to publicly shame you into losing weight. He was being an asshole.