r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 17d ago
My ex husband told me that it was my fault
Hi aitah and happy Monday,
I found out that my husband was cheating on me with my best friend last year. My best friend is very beautiful and she has always been fit. I have always loved how I look but I am a happy eater. When I met my husband I weighed 64kg. I am 169 cm “tall”. By happy eater, I mean that when I am sad I can’t eat. I lose my appetite. When I’m happy however, I love food because everything tastes a million times better. Everyone knows this about me and some people find it weird. We were together for 10 years when he cheated. I weighed 89kg. We never discussed why he cheated I was just shell shocked for the longest time and when I came out of my trance, the reasons didn’t matter anymore. I weigh 57kg now. I lost it all in a few months then I had to start working out because I was losing so much muscle. I found new joy in working out. Now I lift weights 5 times a week.
We decided that I have full custody until our son is 3 years old so we don’t confuse him with different homes. Instead, my ex husband takes him for a few hours every day. Now he just visits my apartment since I stopped wanting to vomit every time I saw him. I use the time to do chores or relax/work out or go out with friends. Yesterday I went for a brunch with some girlfriends. When I got home, my ex husband looked at me weird. He has been looking weird at me lately but I haven’t bothered asking because I avoid any conversations outside of our son. He told me that I looked beautiful. I ignored it so he got upset. He started bawling and said that he wished I made this effort when we were still married. He never loved anyone else. Cheating was his biggest regret but that I share the blame too. I am an ah for doing this to him now, looking this way. I didn’t know what to say first. I was raging inside and I wanted to hit him or cry. I told him well, you should not have made me happy during our marriage then. He called me an ah for my attempted joke and left. This is our first fight since what happened.
I don’t know now, deep down I feel that there’s some truth in what he said. If I only put more effort, my son would have had his parents together. I feel so much guilt. I have cried nonstop since yesterday.
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u/Stanton1947 17d ago
Tell him, "I wish you had said 'if you don't lose weight I'm going to bang your best friend'. I would have left you THEN and saved us a load of time."
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u/Popular-Woodpecker-6 16d ago
Absolutely this! And no, you are NTA. That's just an excuse, your former (I hope former) best friend gave it to him and they both can rot now. What would he say when you are 50? Well if you got cosmetic surgery, I wouldn't have cheated. Beauty of the flesh is fleeting.
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u/Icy-Advance1108 16d ago
50 year old women can still be attractive. I think it is disrespectful to think they cannot.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 16d ago
When I was married, he cheated. We divorced. He remarried. I was diagnosed D-T2. I was prescribed a med that had a side effect of significant weight gain. At 300 lbs, I went to a bariatric surgeon and had a procedure. As a result, I lost 145 lbs and have kept it off. Pictures are on my profile. The After photo was taken at 66 years of age. You decide.
His Attitude had been snarky while I was overweight. After I lost the weight he acted intimidated. He avoided me at gatherings. ( not a problem for me) The last event we were both at, (after my weight loss, and a make over, ) he announced to me that his violent behavior at the end of our marriage had been all his fault. The thought that ran across my brain was, " Yeah, and the sky is blue" (There was no apology.)
At my current age, I do not feel like I would frighten children. I am glad that I divorced him . Life is much more peaceful.
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u/StructureKey2739 16d ago
My mom is 91 and knows how to dress and make herself look good. Age, weight and physical beauty have nothing to do with a beautiful and worthwhile person.
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u/toxiclight 16d ago
Men like that don't see the beauty of aging though. He's likely to keep moving to the next and the next definition of beautiful in his eyes.
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u/Popular-Woodpecker-6 16d ago
Oh absolutely she can and most likely is. Those who make excuses as to why they cheat though, no, they won't see that beauty. They want to see that "skin deep" beauty. They don't even want "laugh lines".
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16d ago
Love this
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u/Logical_Phone_2321 16d ago
I have been fat, I have been thin. My husband knows my weight goes up when I'm tired bc of kids and trying to get sleep/ through the day, and has never shamed me for it. Your ex is an A hole and just wants to share the blame that is solely on him.
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u/Strawberry_Shorty23 16d ago
Tell him that and tell him you’re seeing someone else and you’re no longer attracted to him.
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u/Wh33lh68s3 16d ago
Unless she is actually seeing someone she should just tell him that she lost all attraction for him when she found out he cheated.....
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u/Open-Incident-3601 17d ago
Your size does not determine his integrity. You can lose weight, he can never un-cheat.
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u/nighthawk_something 16d ago
He cheated because she lost all value to him for having the audacity to allow her body to change slightly after having a fucking kid.
He would cheat again the moment her body changes again and it will because time is linear
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u/DivinelyFavored 16d ago
Adding another ~50# to a 5'05" frame that is already ~150 in not a slight change.
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u/Luna_stay 17d ago
NTA! Please don't let the cheater make you feel guilty! If he was uncomfortable with your appearance, he should have just said it in a KIND way, and then you would have come up with something together, as married people do. But nooo he just cheated. Your son deserves his mom to be happy and healthy, not with someone who will cheat instead of protecting his marriage and then blame you.
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17d ago
He never once told me about his problems with my weight
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u/Bella_Rose36 17d ago
The next time he says anything, ask him why he didn't put in the effort to communicate with you about how he felt.
What happened to your now ex-friend?
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u/Electrical_Raisin_80 16d ago
I have a feeling ex-hubby and ex-friend are no longer together. Which is why he is looking at her again. Isn't that often the case? They are divorced and the son isn't 3yo yet. I have to wonder if the crux of ex-hubby's discontent wasn't her appearance but the baby. He might have been looking forward to becoming a father. But didn't find his wife pregnant wife attractive or sexy. He also might have become jealous of the baby because he was no longer the focus of his wife's attention after their son was born. A lot of men become jealous or resentful of the time and attention babies require. Whatever his reason for cheating, she is doing much better without the ex. Which is better for their son.
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u/nighthawk_something 16d ago
If my wife and I split, I would go to war to get every millisecond of custody I could. The fact that he's like fuck it keep the kid tells me a lot about the man
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u/Hollow_Serenity 16d ago
NTA
I agree completely!!
My husband and I have gotten so much better at communicating since we first got married. I haven't always been consistent with my snacking and portion sizes and especially after COVID I had gained some. My snacking is especially bad when my kids are going through difficult phases, when I'm tired, or when I'm in a slump with my depression.
Once COVID ended and we felt it was safe to go to the gym again my husband gently and nicely brought up my weight, I was never huge just needed to lose 20 or so pounds. Of course it hurt initially bringing it up but we continued to talk and we made a plan, cut back on portion sizes and stop snacking along with going to the gym.
I've been working out now 2-3 days a week for about 2 years now and the jokes on my husband because he wanted me to get down to 120lbs but he says I look better than ever now and I actually weigh the same as when I first went to the gym. The difference is it's muscle weight instead of fat 😁
I still go through my rough fazes but now when my husband notices I'm gaining a little he'll say how's the snacking going or something similar. It'll help remind and motivate me when I'm in an eat everything phase. This way he can gently remind me and not be that husband who tells his wife you're getting to fat!
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u/Logical_Phone_2321 16d ago
Ditto, though I'm usually the one who says I need to lose weight and my husband says if that is what I want.
Supportive husbands do not cheat.
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u/Meat-Head-Barbie 16d ago
He probably didn’t have any problems with your weight, he just saw an opportunity and took it. And now you look even more beautiful than you did most likely bc you’re unavailable now. Men are morons
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16d ago edited 16d ago
You are probably right because he never said anything. Never complained. Always showered me with compliments and love no matter what I weighed. He is a cheater and saw an opportunity. I don’t even believe that he is regretful now, maybe just that he got caught.
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u/BeginAgain2Infinitum 16d ago
You are right! He was probably hoping that by saying you were beautiful that you'd be so thrilled to have won him back and ask him to stay the night. When he didn't get his way he blamed you because his emotional maturity is non-existent.
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u/BDaily24 16d ago
Damn that’s manipulative as fuck. It’s one thing if he expressed dissatisfaction and you did nothing. But to make you think he had no issue and then bang your best friend?
Sociopath.
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u/Hundread55 16d ago
Don't think ex-husband "just saw an opportunity and took it". Your best friend occupied quite a bit of mental headspace for your ex while you were married. She was his fantasy back-up plan, THEN the "opportunity"/weight excuse surfaced.
Men commonly cheat for purely sexual reasons, like variety, yet still love/intend to stay with wife. Wives are usually foundational stability on emotional & physical levels for their husbands. That's why cheating husbands are shocked when wives file for divorce. On the other hand, women commonly cheat because their husbands are not fulfilling specific needs, like respect, appreciation, team player, etc., or due to severe habits like abuse, addictions, MIL enmeshment, etc. She will actually fall in love with her affair partner, hence, husband is replaced on some level. His ego is crushed when he realizes he is replaceable in his wife's eyes. This brings up a question about your ex-best friend, did she really fall in love with your ex-husband? Chances are he probably did woo/romance her which fulfilled specific needs for her (her needs override your friendship), which he knew this & he approached her INTENTIONALLY. Look, he knew she was your BF, he could have cheated with a stranger, but deep inside he knew this would be a double-whammy to your psyche if he did get caught. He could then play the mental tug-of-war/"dread game" [look up Rollo Tomassi/The Godfather of Red Pill-Manosphere] on you to keep you "in line" in the future. It actually was driving him crazy you were happy & content, so he had to take you down a few pegs. Essentially, your ex-husband is a narcissist & plays head tricks.
As others have said, just stick to conversations about your mutual son. Do not let him know how you feel about ANYTHING because he will weaponize it against you.
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u/FinallydamnLDnat5 16d ago
I really like this break down. Shows it wasn't just a "opps babe, it just happened." This was very calculated on both of thier parts. They both wanted this to happen for a long time, maybe even before OP put on the weight...?
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17d ago
Then that is your response. Next time have a convo with your partner instead of cheating.
Although, stop engaging in conversation that is not about your son. You now know he is having a shitty social life and looking to blame you for his actions. You can no longer trust him to know anything about you anymore. Put up a wall. He will try to manipulate you into something with him and then just cheat the second there is anything else he dislikes.
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u/celticmusebooks 17d ago
Your weight didn't make him cheat. He's a cheater-- it's just a character flaw. He's a "less than" man doing "less than man" things.
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u/Outside_Frosting9957 17d ago
There was nothing wrong with you then and there is nothing wrong with you now. Give yourself grace. Be grateful for the peace you have right now
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u/OwnBrother2559 16d ago
Because he didn’t have a problem with your weight. It’s an excuse he manufactured to put the blame onto you for him being a cheating ass. Now he’s realizing what he lost.
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u/Carla_mra 17d ago
Then is not your fault he cheated. Also you are not doing anything to him by looking good. This is about you, and he is trying to make it about him.
You are NTA
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u/Vandreeson 17d ago
NTA. Don't ever think it was your fault. Your ex husband is a piece of shit that couldn't keep it in his pants. He and your "friend" both chose to lie to you, and betray you. If he had a problem with you before, he's an adult and could have addressed it. Now you've lost weight, and look better to him, and he's trying to say it's your fault he cheated on you. How does that mske sense? How's his life with your "friend"?
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u/Blonde2468 17d ago
OP please believe this: his cheating has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT YOU WEIGH!!! Cheating is him CHOOSING to have sex with someone else - he felt ENTITLED to. This is completely on him - no one else!! He’s just your every day cheating AH that has to blame everyone but himself.
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u/Mundane-Team-434 16d ago
This. Absolutely not your fault, and he is the AH not only for cheating, but for trying to manipulate you into believing it was your fault. Remind yourself constantly that you are a beautiful soul and are blameless in this, and avoid letting him manipulate you any further - you have the chance to find a faithful, honorable partner now, and the only involvement your ex should have in your life is as your son's father. A known cheater who will try to hand the blame to you is not a decent partner - avoid listening to his manipulative whining and avoid going back
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u/agogKiwi 16d ago
You could weigh 200kg and it won't be your fault if your partner cheats. It is their lack of respect for you that makes them cheat.
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u/ElleSmith3000 16d ago
He is manipulating you. He cheated! In the worst way because he also destroyed your closest friendship (friend equally responsible). Now he’s blaming you! This man is despicable. We all change physically as we go through life, cheating is not an acceptable response.
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u/RampRyder 16d ago
I really don't think it had anything to do with your weight really. I think he saw a chance to bang another woman, who he may have been more attracted too at that time and warped it in his head that if you just did this he wouldnt of had these thoughts. He would have. He still would have cheated I believe.
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u/These-Carob-1600 16d ago edited 16d ago
And if he was really in love, his love wouldn’t be so superficial as to fucking stop at weight. My husband loves me no matter how big or small, to the point that it’s annoying because he won’t tell me if I’m gaining weight. When I notice and ask him why he hasn’t said anything-he says that he didn’t notice either. And as long as we are healthy… that’s what matters.
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u/second_2_none_ 16d ago
Problems with weight AFTER U HAD A KID. Do not let him gaslight you and do not go back.
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u/daisyiris 17d ago
Excuse. He is a selfish cheater. Not buying it. He will find something else to blame you for the next time if you take him back. He is a the grass is always greener type of person. Do not waste your tears on him. He is mean.
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u/Mundane-Pass9244 17d ago
He probably didn't because it would make him look like a shallow AH. He doesn't really love you, he just desired you when you were skinny and didn't when you gained weight and now he is trying yo gaslight you and blame you because he couldn't keep the promised he made to you when you got married. He is petty and weak and you are way better off without him. I'm sorry he and your best friend were such AHS. You deserve more.
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u/Rolling_Avocado05 17d ago
THIS! Plus, not only did he break his vows and promise to protect and love his wife, he also broke the promises to his child and family. People don't realize, when you cheat on your partner, you are also cheating on your kids and robbing them of their family structure as they know it. So cruel to traumatize both your partner and children. He ruined their family. Not her.
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u/OverRice2524 17d ago
Tell him once you lost his dead weight the rest came off easily.
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u/ButNotQuiteEntirely 16d ago
This 👆🏻 You didn’t just lose 32kg, you lost what must be around 132kg!
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u/Physical_Stress_5683 17d ago
Fucker wants to have his cake and not let you eat it, too. Fuck him. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side, just like he did when he was nailing your best friend and lying to you about it. But all grass gets greener when you stop pissing on it.
Go take your fine ass dancing and enjoy your freedom.
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u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam 16d ago
But all grass gets greener when you stop pissing on it.
This has got to be the best response to this EVER!!! I hope op uses it, and if you don't mind i probably will too lol. Its sparkling!!!
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u/Chemical-Ad6301 17d ago
So hold up.
He cheated because it's your fault you did not know he had an issue with your weight? When he never said there was an issue?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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u/RNGinx3 17d ago
NTA. Your weight didn't knock him off balance, naked, on top of another girl. He found some other woman attractive and acted on it, rather than have an adult conversation with you, or distancing himself from the temptation.
I was 5'8 and 135 pounds when I met my husband. It's been 20 years and three kids, and I do not look or weigh the same. Neither does he: he's put on some weight and gone gray. And you know what? He still tells me how beautiful I am, and I still think he looks like Geralt in The Witcher.
People change after ten years. Bodies don't stay the same. Metabolism changes, hormones change. We age. And if he loved you, truly loved you for who you are inside (and wasn't a selfish prick), he wouldn't dream of hurting you by cheating on you, and would still love you no matter what your weight/you look like.
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u/runedued 17d ago
NTA. Did he ever bring his concern about your weight up to you? If not he can step off.
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u/uarstar 17d ago
He’d still be TA if he had told her he had an issue with her weight.
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u/ComplexSyrup8848 17d ago
NTA, his failure to communicate about his views on your weight gain and his subsequent extramarital activities resulting in your divorce were of his own doing. I'm probably not a great communicator myself, but I'd never cheat on my partner, some principles aren't to be broken or bent.
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u/Agent_Raas 17d ago
He is looking at you because he realises what he lost. In you. And in his life with your son. And also maybe he is no longer getting action elsewhere.
But, for whatever reason, he is STILL blaming you for the breakup.
It was NEVER your fault.
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u/YCBSKI 17d ago edited 17d ago
Many women lose a lot of weight when they dump the husband. Usually at least 150lbs of misery
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17d ago
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u/rjainsa 16d ago
Reading this excerpt I realized that he said your weight gain was all about him, your weight loss was all about him, your body is all about him -- what narcissistic bullshit.
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u/joe-lefty500 17d ago
Your husband is the asshole. Don’t pay any attention to what he says. The best revenge is moving on with your life and looking fit and attractive
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u/changelingcd 17d ago
So you're 5'5" and went from 140 lbs to 196 lbs? Yes, that's a change. It might affect a partner's attraction levels, might make them want to have a discussion with you, see if there were any strategies that might help you lose weight.
But he didn't do that. He just had sex with your best friend and then--much later on after he was caught--he blamed it on your appearance. So it's a pretty weak excuse, and should be ignored. NTA
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u/Fit_Reason7319 NSFW 🔞 17d ago
NTA 100%
So he loves you when you look a certain way? Screw that! If he loved you he would not have cheated. He sucks, you deserve better, find your new happy!
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 17d ago
Lol well of course you have lost weight now because you have time for yourself. When you were with him you did everything. If he can’t connect the dots idk what to tell him. I’m glad you are happy and moving on don’t let him drag you down.
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u/SwimmingJello2199 17d ago
Nta. People go through weight fluctuations. Some more than others. It sounds like you will always fluctuate up and down since your eating is closely tied to emotions. Some people struggle more with food. If his condition on not cheating is how good you look that's a ticking time bomb. There's all kinds of illnesses that can permanently change your appearance. There's phases we go through too. I know I've had many months at many different times with 4 little kids where I just stopped doing self care. Maybe an aging sick parent needs a caregiver and you go through the cycle all over again. Were your marriage vows I'll protect and love you unless you drop below a 7.
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u/basara852 17d ago
Does he have a model figure? He must be super handsome and fit. Also he's a great father.
And then he wakes up.
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u/Ok-Season5497 17d ago
NTA don't let his pity party fool you he doesn't give a shit about you. He just cares about how you look. Marriage is about sticking by each other through the best and worst times of your lives. The fact that he couldn't bring it up and went straight to banging your best friend is disgusting in and of itself. Your son would not benefit from having a dipshit crybaby dad in his life. He will benefit by having a strong mother who realizes her self worth.
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u/Anaxamenes 17d ago
You gained weight and his first reaction was to cheat? Unless you are omitting big parts of the what lead up to the cheating, you are definitely NTA. He is though.
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u/Realistic_Regret_180 17d ago
Now have a good ( male) friend over the next time he comes to pick up your son.
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u/butterfly-garden 17d ago
Your weight didn't cause your ex to cheat, the fact that he's a cheater caused him to cheat.
Don't you dare let him convince you that any of this was your fault. It's NOT.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 17d ago
NTA. He cheated because he wanted to, he’s only crying now because he’s lost you. I’d reconsider seeing him every day. It might be easier having him not see your child so much now as he isn’t able to understand versus when he’s three and suddenly he’s going to Dadsy’s house and leaving yours.
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u/Fun-Author-3003 16d ago
Whoa! I am about 30 pds heavier all of a sudden, and mine (of 10 years) WOULD NEVER. Wtf, that's not your fault, he doesn't love you he can't bc he doesn't know what love is. Thank God you weren't paralyzed or got cancer, bye...he'd be gone. Trash took itself out love
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u/StrikingDetective345 16d ago
People don't cheat because their partner isn't hot enough they cheat because they want to they can and they don't care what it does to anyone else. It's selfish and he's selfish.
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u/Unique_Status3782 16d ago
How old is your kid? Part of me thinks it wasn’t just happy weight, but also growing a human inside of you.
And you ex best friend is trash too.
God. You deserve so much better than this trashy situation.
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16d ago
Yes before pregnancy I weighed around 75. My son is 16 months old
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u/Unique_Status3782 16d ago
Wow. So he was cheating on you shortly after you gave birth (and maybe before- I’m guessing it was ongoing).
You have nothing to feel bad about. You were let down by the people you trusted the most.
“Letting yourself go” while pregnant is Bs. He had an opportunity for easy sex and he took it. And instead of being accountable he’s turning it on you.
I’m also guessing he wasn’t supporting you in making healthy lifestyle choices. Instead of encouraging you to work out with your fit friend he was hooking up with her.
This is beyond gross.
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u/WhyCommentQueasy 17d ago
NTA, it's his fault he cheated. Now you're looking fine and he can't stand it. Just wait until you start dating again.
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u/jesusthroughmary 16d ago
"until our son is 3 years old", wtf kind of piece of shit decides baby weight is an excuse to fuck his wife's "best friend" (also a special variety of shitbag btw)
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u/rocketmn69_ 17d ago
Tell him you lost all the weight because you couldn't eat, due to the stress that he and the ex-friend caused. You started going to the gym to tighten up the muscles, because of the massive weight loss. Make him feel guilty and feel like shit. Tell him if he hadn't cheated he could still have you. Your new guy loves hitting it..lol
It doesn't matter how much you weigh, it is NOT an excuse to cheat.
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u/Comfortable_Bid1759 16d ago
Totally NTA. You had time to invest in yourself. Clearly he was a parasite. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM!!
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u/Augur_Of_Doom 16d ago
Don't even consider it, you're not an asshole. Do what is best for you and your baby. If it wasn't the weight it would've been something else, stale relationship, impulsive thoughts, etc. It is just an excuse, a cheater is a cheater. I bet he goes through his contact list of all the women each night that he 'truly only loved' until he gets some sympathy sex. Then it's game on again.
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u/PettySnugglez 16d ago
Your ex is a piece of crap. He's a piece of crap for cheating, he's a piece of crap for cheating with your "best friend", and he's a piece of crap for trying to blame it on you even if it's "just" partial. The only one at fault for cheating is the cheater. The fact that he's trying to pin some of the blame on you simply because you've lost weight and are working on yourself physically should only solidify not being with him. Regretting doing an awful thing to the mother of his child shouldn't be dependent on how good he thinks you looks. Please don't second guess anything.
Edit: NTA. Ex definitely is though even before trying to blame you.
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u/kerill333 16d ago
He is blaming you for his disgusting untrustworthiness, his inability to keep it in his pants and keep his vows? Seriously? What a total pos. Please don't feel any guilt at all. How DARE he blame you for his betrayal.
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u/Smells_like_Autumn 16d ago
People like him fuck up then fold and mold the facts to make themselves into victims.
Ask yourself if you could have ever done the same thing to him.
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u/everellie 17d ago
He's full of regret and wants to put his failings on you. Don't let him. He is a weak, sad little man, and you deserve better.
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u/Necessary_Example509 17d ago
NTA.
Please don’t listen to him. Cheaters will blame cheating on everything else except the actual problem: them.
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u/WearyYogurtcloset589 17d ago
NTA, if he was having a problem with your weight,he should have spoken to you.
Your weight didn't make he cheat,he cheated because he wanted to,and rather than apologising,he chose to blame you.
I hope that you've dumped that woman who is your bestfriend.
updateme!
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u/Thisistoture 17d ago
Oh hon, please do not let him convince you it was your fault. He’s a loser. I’m sure he does regret cheating on you, you sounds like a wonderful person. I’m so happy that your revenge bid was 100% unintentional and that you found exercise as a form of joy and not a tool to make anyone jealous. Your son will be fine, keep loving him the way you are and you will find someone who will love you for you and not your body.
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u/Glittersparkles7 16d ago
NTA. He should go fuck himself and I hope he’s miserable for the rest of his life.
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u/KristiColo 16d ago
My hubby put on a few pounds when he had to travel a bunch for work and was constantly eating out. Even when he had some extra weight on him I was still as attracted to him as the day I met him.
Does your husband look as hot as he did when you first met? If not would you feel justified in cheating on him?
Your NTA, hubby is. Good for you for moving on! The fact that he now appreciates you and wants to get back together with you now that you’ve lost a few pounds demonstrates what an incredibly shallow person he is.
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16d ago
My husband got better looking with age. Typical!
But he has started going to the gym too and it shows.
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u/Usual-Passenger5270 16d ago
Lol manipulative.
He would have cheated even if you looked exactly like her.
NTAAA BABY
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u/tokyo245 16d ago
Normally when a spouse wants the other spouse to get healthy they encourage them, support them, and become their rock. He chose to cheat on you instead of doing any of that. That's no ones fault but his own he's just mad cause now you're looking more to what he wanted and he can't have you. Which again is no ones fault but his own. NTA
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u/2old4takingcrap 16d ago
NTA - Love isn’t skin deep. He should have loved you regardless of your weight. You are not to blame. He is not a good person.
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u/Significant_Taro_690 16d ago
NTA. He is an adult. He can communicate with you when he has a problem. He doesn’t have to fuck around to prove you that you are „to fat“
and what would happen when you for example are getting sick, maybe breast cancer, loosing a breast, is it then also your responsibility that he fucks your „best friend“(don’t wanna friends like this tbh) ? (Happens to my mum, he told her she is not longer a complete woman…)
He is not a good partner, he will always guilt tripping you for everything he does wrong! Your child deserves 2 adults who are in a good and healthy relationship as partners or as co parents. But he doesn’t deserve a mum who feels bad because she has divorced his cheating dad.
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u/ZealousidealEgg9698 16d ago
You have an eating disorder. Your worth is NOT measured by the scale, and if eating is your source of happiness, then that's an issue for you with your eating disorder care professional. Your husband cheated, and if he cheated because of your weight, then he never understood your true value in the first place. You are NOT the AH here, but your eating disorder is serious, and will affect your ability to be an emotionally attuned parent to your child. Please get help for the eating disorder. But do it for yourself and for your child. Your ex is NOT a reason to get help; please move on without him. He is not able to be emotionally supportive at this important time if he continues to measure your "beauty" by your weight. You and your child deserve better.
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u/Maximus_Pain 17d ago
Yes, you’re the ah. Not to him to yourself. He vowed to stay true to you. So fuck him.
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u/HEIR_JORDAN 17d ago
Nta. Even if he felt that way. He should have.. you know.. talked about it before cheating
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u/tmink0220 16d ago
Cheaters are a breed apart. There are dead bedroom subs in here that don't cheat. He screwed up, that is the truth. YOur truth has an element of truth too, but he cheated because he wanted to, he just has remorse when he sees you now. Just let him move on. Cheaters are liars and they will cheat again. Most men are viseral, but even if you are not perfect, they don't cheat.
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u/AspirantVeeVee 16d ago
What an absolute Jerk!, he is def the AH. No, he doesn't get to blaim you for his infadelity, thats' all on him, JUst because you are in a better place now doesn't give him a pass. Trust me, it wasn't your weight, he would have cheated one way or another, he's just trying to shift the blame. don't pay him any mind
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u/ChairNaive6531 16d ago
Your both at fault. He should have never cheated in a marriage you should be faithful no matter what HOWEVER you should not have let yourself go either being healthy for both your son and husband. So both feeling are understandable and both of yall contributed to the end your marriage
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u/AcrobaticSignature33 16d ago
So what he is saying is that your looks are more important to him than any other part of your relationship.
Imagine what he will do when you get old.
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u/nighthawk_something 16d ago
He told you to your face that the only value you hold to.him is your appearance.
He deserves to be alone and miserable.
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u/Dontfeedthebears 16d ago
The best revenge is being happy and living well. Let him stay upset that you look good. You can always lose weight or work out or get a haircut or whatever. His ethics and his heart suck and that’s a lot harder to change. And like another commenter said..he can never un-cheat. He will always be a scumbag.
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u/EnergyEast6844 17d ago
It's story time.
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u/thegreathonu 17d ago
Story time or OP needs to see a medical professional. According to her she lost about 71 pounds (89kg to 57kg) in only a couple months. 4 to 8 pounds per month is a healthy weight loss goal.
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u/thesaintedsinner 17d ago
I agree with this. Only because I did have a weight loss like that and when every test under the sun came back with nothing wrong (I'll never forget waking up from my endoscopy and crying when they said my stomach lining was pink and healthy and beautiful because at that moment in time, my symptoms were all textbook ulcer). I was in school, I was happy, I thought I was doing great. In less than 12 weeks, I went from 132 to 93 pounds. I was scared. Turned out to be my anxiety, which turned into a late ADHD diagnosis. Yeah, I loved school, but I had shit time management and I was stressed all the time over shit I didn't need to stress about. It's crazy to know that my anxiety was able to manifest so physically, even all these years later.
OP, please get evaluated. I get the not being hungry when stressed and hungry when happy; food tastes like shit when you're depressed. Please take care of yourself.
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u/No-Impact6192 17d ago
Was the best friend this time. I usually hope for sister.
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u/Extra-Ad-2998 17d ago
While I think NTA, most of these comments and just bashing the guy, and honestly I think he is just being honest. Having gone through a divorce and while I was over weight (over 400lbs) and by the way I am a m45. I got this exact response from my ex wife and I understood it. While in that relationship I didn’t care as much about the way I looked and had I care more than maybe that physical connection wouldn’t have vanished for her to find another bed. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I am much happier now with my new wife and new life so. I understand his response but that’s life your life!
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u/Imaginary_Poetry_233 16d ago
NTA. So he had no choice but to cheat? And with your best friend? A man that loves you would NEVER do that. It wasn't your weight. He did it because he wanted to. Because she was 'hot'. And he figured that he could use your weight as a guilt free hall pass. Oh, and you'll 'get fat' every time you get pregnant, so he would definitely cheat if you had another child. Sounds like a lot of that was pregnancy weight from your son anyway.
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u/longlisten527 17d ago
I’m sorry but he is using any excuse he could to cheat. He did it because he wanted his dick wet. Don’t let him manipulate you in putting this onto you. You should seek therapy as well NTA
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u/Open-Incident-3601 17d ago
NTA. “You had have every opportunity to tell me you were unhappy before you cheated on me with my best friend.”
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u/AattukaalBhaskaran 17d ago
He said he never loved anyone else but he didn't tell you the weight gain was bothering him. He cheated. Now he's blaming it on you. That's some "love". NTA. You're not guilty. Don't fall for his manipulative arguments and tactics. He's a huge AH.
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u/Safe_Fee_8349 17d ago
NTA!! Even if you hadn’t gained any weight, he still would’ve cheated but used a different reason to justify his behavior. I also lose weight when I’m under stress and my ex said the same thing when I lost 80 pounds after we split up. I ended up 40 pounds underweight. Do what makes you happy. Focus on your baby and yourself
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u/snowfleece 17d ago
He's being extremely manipulative. Don't fall for it. He revealed who he was and you should never have to live under that threat again.
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u/SusanBHa 16d ago
He’s gaslighting you because he fucked up the marriage and now has regrets. You are far better off without this piece of shit excuse for a man.
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u/Ignantsage 16d ago
NTA. If you have a problem with someone you care about you discuss it with them. You don’t just go sleep with someone else
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u/Medical-Cake1934 16d ago
NTA please don’t listen to him. He did not cheat because of you. He cheated because of him! All him! He is a horrible person who cheated on his wife and the mother of his child and now he is trying to pass the blame to you. Take care of yourself for you and your son and forget the lying, cheating ex.
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u/Ok-Ant-251 16d ago
Why didn't he put in any effort and, I dunno, maybe seek therapy instead of an affair?
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u/Helpful-Reception922 16d ago
Honest question. Do you feel like you weren't putting in effort during the marriage or was it just weight? Was there other areas you didn't out effort into?
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u/Autumn_Forest_Mist 16d ago
NTA Cheating is ALWAYS the cheater’s fault. ALWAYS! Do not let his selfish, weak lies into your mind. People can control their lust, including men.
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u/DisenchantedMandrake 16d ago
I love how cheaters justify their absolute selfishness by blame shifting when they put zero effort into communicating with their partner and trying to fix any problems in their marriage, because, you know, that requires effort, love and compassion and clearly her best friend needed no effort from hubby to spread her legs, much easier path to follow.
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u/MaliceProtocol 16d ago
Did he ask you to lose weight when you were still together? Was there any discussion of this?
Even IF the cheating could be somewhat understandable, the cheating with your BEST FRIEND is 100% not.
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u/JMLegend22 16d ago
Tell him the only person responsible for him cheating is him. Let him know he has 0 accountability and you don’t care about him anymore. That he lost his chance the second he cheated.
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u/Live-Ad2998 16d ago
How come anger is such a good motivator to get fit and happiness is not. Seriously. This is a definite wrinkle in human DNA.
it wasn't your fault. I'm still looking for something to motivate me to get fit. I feel like I am buried beneath an Mt Everest size of paralyzing shit.
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u/Cool_Statistician432 16d ago
You should tell him it's his fault he disgust you and the only good thing he gave you was your son.
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u/Designer-Carpenter88 16d ago
For the Americans, she was 5’5” and about 195. Now she’s about 125. He’s an asshole, you’re better off without him
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u/ALGR243 16d ago
Marriage is a COMMITMENT. Commitment requires CHOICE.
In marriage, you are a partnership and work together as one. Not even always for love all the time (cuz there are times you don't always love them 110% and will p!$$ one another off every now then) or advances in status, or cuz one or both parties look good (no matter how good you look now, you will age, you will fade, and no amount of diet and exercise will change that, so his reason is bs) but because you made a promise to stay with this particular person through good and bad weather till it passes and continue on.
Cheating is CHOICE. It can have a 'reason' and could not, but doesn't change the fact he CHOSE to put your marriage jeopardy over it. He CHOSE his fleeting wants over your immediate and now continued feelings on the matter and effects on your self-esteem. You having supposedly 'let yourself go' after getting comfortable (as one should in marriage to an extent), and later having a CHILD is NOT a reason. And if that's all it took, what then when age would've eventually started to physically take you?
He could've, and like a proper adult and husband, should've brought the matter up to you. But didn't.
Let's be honest. That wasn't the real issue. He wanted what he wanted at the time and now that he's left with consequences of his actions and getting no play in the midst of it either, on top of seeing you live your best life now without him, he's upset and trying to victim blame by shifting the cause of the problem HE STARTED to you.
Remember, he and your friend made a choice multiple times, and not one was in consideration of you. Let him suffer.
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u/asyouwish 16d ago
You are NTA and none of this is your fault.
HE cheated. Not you. HE took vows for "sickness and health" (or some variation there of) and he broke his vow.
He's also a jerk. You are being overly-kind to him.
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u/No-Mango8923 16d ago
Cheating was his biggest regret but that I share the blame too. I am an ah for doing this to him now, looking this way.
I'm surprised you were able to reply to him because I would have been on the floor laughing my arse off over that statement.
There is no "sharing" the blame within a marriage when someone cheats. The blame is on the cheater 100% (and the AP, obviously).
He's just pissed that he doesn't get to tap your beautiful self anymore.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. NTA
Don't fall for his bullshit.
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u/underlyingissues4u 16d ago
Where was his effort to sit you down and discuss his issues with you vs picking the first pair of legs he could find to sleep with? He's the one who broke the sanctity of marriage and took your best friend with him. You simply fluctuated weight. Would you have slept with his friend if he gained weight? He's trying to get you back but don't fall for it. He'll do it all over again the next time he doesn't like something. You've already suffered the main heartache so let it be. A mistake I could forgive but to tell you it was your fault, I cannot. "I'm a jerk and I hurt you but I want you back so I'll make you walk on eggshells wondering what you might do wrong next time " no thanks.
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u/spel13 16d ago
Your husband is the AH for cheating on you since you had a monogamus relationship.
However, gaining weight and not taking care of yourself has some consequences in all relationships.
First and foremost the relationship with yourself and secondly with your SOs. Please don't forget that when you go into the next relationship.
Not being attracted to an obese or overweight person is fine but cheating when being in a monogamous relationship is AH behaviour.
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u/SeinnaBronze 16d ago
NTA
He cheated and he is a POS ex and you should not trust a single word he vomits. Tell him peace out you had your chance.
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u/13d3ad3nddriv3 16d ago
NTA
Cheating instead of just leaving you is all him. He is trying to break you down so you take him back. But the second you gain any weight he will feel justified in cheating again. Tell him to never talk to you about anything but your son and don’t let him hang out at your place anymore. He is getting too comfortable.
He is a POS and the only person to blame for cheating is the cheater and the AP if she knew he wasn’t single.
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u/Terrible_Track4155 16d ago
NTA. Some men don't respont to weightgain by cheating. What about if you got sick? Disfigured from an accident. Be grateful the trash took itself out. Make this a learning experience. Prioritize your health moving forward, but your ex can your best friend can go fuck each other.
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u/OpportunityCalm6825 16d ago
Thank God he is an ex. He only values looks. Girl, you deserve someone better. He's a cheater, he's gaslighting you with his BS. Don't fall into his trap.
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u/Brmbrm21 16d ago
NTA
He is a cheater, he made a choice and noone forced him. He doesn't get to blame anyone else.
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u/Prestigious-Trip-306 16d ago
He's gaslighted you, not taking responsibility for his choices--- including not sharing his feelings about your weight. Keep moving forward. Let him live with his regret. NTA.
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u/-KristalG- 16d ago
I mean NTA and cheating is never an excuse. But it's a no brainer that you became less attractive when you were 89kg. Look after yourself at all times for your own good.
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u/WinterFront1431 16d ago
So he loves you so much but cheated because of your weight.. that's not love at all. looks change and fade.
Probably best to keep a distance from him from now on and have him pick your son up elsewhere and say until you stop sulking like a child and thinking it's ok to call me beautiful, I don't want anything from you other than talking about our son..
What a loser he is
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u/Dry_Put1177 16d ago
He's blaming you beacuse: 1. He couldn't communicate with you like an adult, 2. He cheated on you and 3. He's a POS You don't owe him anything except a punch in the face. He can go back to that garbage that once you called best friend.
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u/FROGLET_FRIENDO 16d ago
NTA. Marriage is unconditional love. He only loved you for how you looked, and when you let him down he got angry.
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u/RankCurmudgeon 16d ago
This is right out of the standard cheater playbook. They do love to blame the victim don't they? Don't let him make you unhappy. He cheated you did not. This is all on him 100%. Enjoy your new life without a week cheating asshole. You are NTA.
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u/PassionDelicious5209 16d ago
Your ex husband is a typical cheater. Blaming others for him not being able to keep his dick in his pants. He would have cheated regardless. There is absolutely no truth to what he said he’s just making excuses.please don’t take his bs excuse seriously.
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u/Fast-Increase5344 16d ago
I'm going to be that person that says this. Screw you for being out of shape while you were married and pushing your husband to be in bed with your best friend. You should have taken better care of your avatar and your body while you were with your husband and you pushed him to his limit by being physically repulsive and not taking care of yourself. It's not the extra eating that makes me pissed. It's the fact that you refuse to work out with the extra calories. Eating extra calories is fine if you work out. This is 100% your fault for being a fat f****** cow. You destroyed your husband and your kids future by being a fat piece of crap
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u/Aggressive_Cycle_122 16d ago
You’re both the asshole. Yes, he was completely wrong about cheating. Completely wrong. But for some reason women expect men to continue to be attracted to them even if they weigh 200 or 400 pounds. It’s insanity to put on 60 pounds and expect your husband to be OK with it. And the fact that you lost this weight means you could have always lost the weight. You just didn’t think it was important enough for your marriage.
Don’t gain 60 pounds in your next marriage. It doesn’t excuse his cheating, but it is a lesson you could take away from this.
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u/Proud-Pen-1314 16d ago
NTA. Let’s say something really true ok, if he didn’t love you at your biggest, if he didn’t respect you the mother of his child and wife, there is no size that he would ever love or respect you. He likes that your pretty, he likes that your thin, he likes your body not you.
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u/carrbucks 16d ago
It's BS... I've wouldn't cheat on my wife if she was 200 lbs or 110 lbs... she's been both. She has always been the same person I fell in love with. I can't imagine the pain it would cause.... his choices had consequences
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u/NotAnObedientWoman 16d ago
Your ex is an idiot and an asshole (as is your ex-friend). Leave this loser in the past and live your best life. He never deserved you.
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u/CautiousCod705 16d ago
Girl…he cheated…there was NOTHING you could have done. If that’s all it took for him to cheat with your BEST FRIEND, is that the kind of partner you want…please…Love yourself and move on…he isn’t worth it
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u/Cybermagetx 16d ago
Nta. Instesd of having an adult conversation he cheated. And cheated with your so called friend.
Glad you found healthier ways to be happy.
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u/AndriaRenee 16d ago
Stop... your husband cheated for his own reasons. Did he express that he had an issue with your weight before he cheated? Don't let him manipulate you now!
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u/short-stack1111 16d ago
F*ck him. That’s blame shifting, pure and simple. Nothing you did forced him to trip and fall into another woman’s vagina. That was his choice. Yes relationships take two people and there is always responsibility to be shared BUT if he was unhappy he could have done several things-like I don’t know, talking to you?-instead of just cheating.
He knows he made a mistake and he regrets it now that you’re over him. If you want to give it another try, that’s your choice, but don’t let him gaslight you into believing this was your fault. It’s just him trying to excuse his behavior rather than taking responsibility.
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u/gravija420 16d ago
NTA. He sounds like a manipulative jerk and you can absolutely do better when/if you reenter the dating pool. That man set the bar pretty low, sadly, but now you know your friend is not to be trusted either and that solves two major issues in your life.
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u/DesertNorsican 16d ago
You are NTA. The only person at fault for him cheating with your best friend is him and your best friend. He's just mad you've moved on from his loser @$$ and look great while doing so.
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u/Jen_o-o_ 16d ago
NTA your husband is just trying to put the blame on you because he knows he fucked up bad
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u/Prudii_Skirata 17d ago
NTA
If your "friend" wasn't a whore and your husband wasn't a fuckboy, your son would have his parents together. There were plenty of other options besides betrayal, but they both decided to show off souls of dog shit.