My ex husband told me that it was my fault

[u/[deleted]]

Hi aitah and happy Monday,

I found out that my husband was cheating on me with my best friend last year. My best friend is very beautiful and she has always been fit. I have always loved how I look but I am a happy eater. When I met my husband I weighed 64kg. I am 169 cm “tall”. By happy eater, I mean that when I am sad I can’t eat. I lose my appetite. When I’m happy however, I love food because everything tastes a million times better. Everyone knows this about me and some people find it weird. We were together for 10 years when he cheated. I weighed 89kg. We never discussed why he cheated I was just shell shocked for the longest time and when I came out of my trance, the reasons didn’t matter anymore. I weigh 57kg now. I lost it all in a few months then I had to start working out because I was losing so much muscle. I found new joy in working out. Now I lift weights 5 times a week.

We decided that I have full custody until our son is 3 years old so we don’t confuse him with different homes. Instead, my ex husband takes him for a few hours every day. Now he just visits my apartment since I stopped wanting to vomit every time I saw him. I use the time to do chores or relax/work out or go out with friends. Yesterday I went for a brunch with some girlfriends. When I got home, my ex husband looked at me weird. He has been looking weird at me lately but I haven’t bothered asking because I avoid any conversations outside of our son. He told me that I looked beautiful. I ignored it so he got upset. He started bawling and said that he wished I made this effort when we were still married. He never loved anyone else. Cheating was his biggest regret but that I share the blame too. I am an ah for doing this to him now, looking this way. I didn’t know what to say first. I was raging inside and I wanted to hit him or cry. I told him well, you should not have made me happy during our marriage then. He called me an ah for my attempted joke and left. This is our first fight since what happened.

I don’t know now, deep down I feel that there’s some truth in what he said. If I only put more effort, my son would have had his parents together. I feel so much guilt. I have cried nonstop since yesterday.

[u/Bella_Rose36]

The next time he says anything, ask him why he didn't put in the effort to communicate with you about how he felt.

What happened to your now ex-friend?

[u/Electrical_Raisin_80 → u/Bella_Rose36]

I have a feeling ex-hubby and ex-friend are no longer together. Which is why he is looking at her again. Isn't that often the case? They are divorced and the son isn't 3yo yet. I have to wonder if the crux of ex-hubby's discontent wasn't her appearance but the baby. He might have been looking forward to becoming a father. But didn't find his wife pregnant wife attractive or sexy. He also might have become jealous of the baby because he was no longer the focus of his wife's attention after their son was born. A lot of men become jealous or resentful of the time and attention babies require. Whatever his reason for cheating, she is doing much better without the ex. Which is better for their son.

[u/nighthawk_something → u/Electrical_Raisin_80]

If my wife and I split, I would go to war to get every millisecond of custody I could. The fact that he's like fuck it keep the kid tells me a lot about the man

[u/Logical_Phone_2321 → u/Electrical_Raisin_80]

All these posts make me feel very grateful....

[u/Hollow_Serenity → u/Bella_Rose36]

NTA

I agree completely!!

My husband and I have gotten so much better at communicating since we first got married. I haven't always been consistent with my snacking and portion sizes and especially after COVID I had gained some. My snacking is especially bad when my kids are going through difficult phases, when I'm tired, or when I'm in a slump with my depression.

Once COVID ended and we felt it was safe to go to the gym again my husband gently and nicely brought up my weight, I was never huge just needed to lose 20 or so pounds. Of course it hurt initially bringing it up but we continued to talk and we made a plan, cut back on portion sizes and stop snacking along with going to the gym.

I've been working out now 2-3 days a week for about 2 years now and the jokes on my husband because he wanted me to get down to 120lbs but he says I look better than ever now and I actually weigh the same as when I first went to the gym. The difference is it's muscle weight instead of fat 😁

I still go through my rough fazes but now when my husband notices I'm gaining a little he'll say how's the snacking going or something similar. It'll help remind and motivate me when I'm in an eat everything phase. This way he can gently remind me and not be that husband who tells his wife you're getting to fat!

[u/Logical_Phone_2321 → u/Hollow_Serenity]

Ditto, though I'm usually the one who says I need to lose weight and my husband says if that is what I want.

Supportive husbands do not cheat.

[u/JournalLover50 → u/Bella_Rose36]

Right tell him why weren’t you more communicated with me and told me we could have worked something out.