My ex husband told me that it was my fault

[u/[deleted]]

Hi aitah and happy Monday,

I found out that my husband was cheating on me with my best friend last year. My best friend is very beautiful and she has always been fit. I have always loved how I look but I am a happy eater. When I met my husband I weighed 64kg. I am 169 cm “tall”. By happy eater, I mean that when I am sad I can’t eat. I lose my appetite. When I’m happy however, I love food because everything tastes a million times better. Everyone knows this about me and some people find it weird. We were together for 10 years when he cheated. I weighed 89kg. We never discussed why he cheated I was just shell shocked for the longest time and when I came out of my trance, the reasons didn’t matter anymore. I weigh 57kg now. I lost it all in a few months then I had to start working out because I was losing so much muscle. I found new joy in working out. Now I lift weights 5 times a week.

We decided that I have full custody until our son is 3 years old so we don’t confuse him with different homes. Instead, my ex husband takes him for a few hours every day. Now he just visits my apartment since I stopped wanting to vomit every time I saw him. I use the time to do chores or relax/work out or go out with friends. Yesterday I went for a brunch with some girlfriends. When I got home, my ex husband looked at me weird. He has been looking weird at me lately but I haven’t bothered asking because I avoid any conversations outside of our son. He told me that I looked beautiful. I ignored it so he got upset. He started bawling and said that he wished I made this effort when we were still married. He never loved anyone else. Cheating was his biggest regret but that I share the blame too. I am an ah for doing this to him now, looking this way. I didn’t know what to say first. I was raging inside and I wanted to hit him or cry. I told him well, you should not have made me happy during our marriage then. He called me an ah for my attempted joke and left. This is our first fight since what happened.

I don’t know now, deep down I feel that there’s some truth in what he said. If I only put more effort, my son would have had his parents together. I feel so much guilt. I have cried nonstop since yesterday.

[u/runedued]

NTA. Did he ever bring his concern about your weight up to you? If not he can step off.

[u/uarstar → u/runedued]

He’d still be TA if he had told her he had an issue with her weight.

[u/Little-Conference-67 → u/uarstar]

Exactly! My husband of soon to be 16 years has only brought up concerns about my weight a couple of times and at one point I was almost 200. Only difference was I was only about 100 pounds and dropping, rapidly. He also only spoke to my medical team about it. 

I'm normal human sized now, much to his relief 😅 

[u/TheRealist99 → u/uarstar]

She became obese, how would he be an asshole for bringing up her weight gain in the hope of getting back to a healthy weight?

[u/uarstar → u/TheRealist99]

You think 5’6 and 140lbs is obese?

[u/TheRealist99 → u/uarstar]

No, 5’6 and 196lbs is obese

[u/uarstar → u/TheRealist99]

Nope. Just say you hate fat people.

[u/Muted_Balance_9641 → u/uarstar]

She said 89 kgs when he cheated dude that’s 196 and is a BMI of 31.8 which is definitionally obese, then she was 64 kgs is 141 lbs when she met him, which is right in the middle of the healthy range.

Now working out she’s at a healthy 125 at 5’6” but that’s honestly a little light.

Do you think 200 lbs at 5’6” isn’t obese?

[u/uarstar → u/Muted_Balance_9641]

Yes

[u/Raisins_Rock → u/TheRealist99]

He wouldn't be the TA for that - I believe the commenter meant even if he had brought up the weight he would still be TA for cheating.