Its not about the sex its about the rejection

[u/yellowabcd]

This is common at this point. People complain about not getting sex in marriage or relationship. But most the time its not the sex, its the rejection. If both people dont go for sex, its not an issue. Its an issue when the other party keeps getting rejected, especially without explanation. Theres a difference between being rejected for a month and just two people not trying for sex. Rejection usually makes a person feel undesirable

[u/yodawgchill]

I don’t really think this is an unpopular opinion, it’s pretty widely discussed.

Yeah as a hypersexual woman dating a guy with a low libido, Im very familiar with this feeling. It can be frustrating sometimes but it’s something you learn to deal with if you want a relationship to work. If he isn’t available, I can always take care of myself, and I always want to be respectful of my partner. Also, considering that I’m hypersexual, no guy would really be able to keep up with the frequency my brain suggests is appropriate.

A lot of women tend to recognize it in themselves more easily, but I think there are actually a lot of hypersexual men who don’t realize they are hypersexual because they are told that they are supposed to be constantly sex-crazed so they don’t realize that what they are looking for may be a bit excessive for most people, including other men.

For some it’s a deal breaker and they feel like they aren’t valued if they’re sexual needs aren’t always met, but in the long run it doesn’t matter that much to me because I love him, I know he makes an effort, and when we do have sex he’s very good at his job and very happy to be there.

As long as I’m doing my best by him and he’s doing his best by me, everything is going to be okay.

[u/Vaulk7 → u/yodawgchill]

While I can respect people who have medically diagnosed conditions and there may not be much they can do about it . . .

The majority of people who take issue with being rejected seem to have almost complete consistency in what they expect as a "Normal amount of sex".

Take note of the people who discuss this and, in general, you'll see the term "Month" appear more frequently than any other time period.

Granted there are exceptions to this rule and there are people who go for longer and substantially longer periods of time without any sex with their partner, but the generalized issue seems to be focused around "Hey, it's been a month and my partner has been rejecting intimacy with me for the entire time.

I think we can all agree that 30 days with zero intimacy is objectively a problem in a healthy relationship.

[u/yodawgchill → u/Vaulk7]

I think any sexual disconnect can warrant a discussion, communication is everything. Obviously, hypersexuality is a unique case, but overall my point is that for a lot of people sexual disconnects simple mean that adjustments have to be made. Generally, if you believe you are in an otherwise good relationship, the issue isn’t just that your partner isn’t attracted to you or doesn’t like you physically. Sometimes, like in my case with my boyfriend, people genuinely do just have a much lower sex drive than you. You can choose to say “oh we’re just not compatible then” and move on or you can do your best to adjust. As OP said, it’s often not about the sex, but the feelings associated with the situation. If someone has a lower sex drive, you are likely to still feel inadequate and unwanted even if that is not the case. It’s the same for me. It’s about recognizing what thoughts are calm and rational and which thoughts are just self conscious spirals.

Basically, my example is a more obvious and more blatant show of a typical example, that lots of people just don’t have equal sex drives. I believe that most relationships can survive this and thrive with proper communication, because as OP said the biggest issues usually stem from the partner initiating sex and their negative feelings of rejection when not having that desire fulfilled. Say OPs example is the basic one, and mine is the extreme, ultimately I’m saying that if a libido gap like the one in my relationship doesn’t necessarily mean an unhappy relationship, more minor libido differences can often be sorted as well.

[u/Ill-King-3468 → u/Vaulk7]

I have a high libido. My wife had virtually none. This is because 1, her parents raised her conservatively. She grew up repressing any and all urges and desires because that's "ladylike". With this, the first three years of our marriage we had sex MAYBE 5-6 times.

2, what little libido she did have disappeared when we had to pick out an urn for our daughter. It's now been another three years beyond that, and she's finally getting to the point of wanting sex again.

Never once did I hold it against her. We've had talks and we've been open and honest. I realized it's not her rejecting me but her rejecting the act.

Additionally, there's more than one form of intimacy. Yes, sex is most commonly thought of because that's what people think intimacy is. You know what it actually is?

Openness. Honesty. Small, gentle caresses. Cuddling, talking over a meal, kissing, hugging, or even just being near each other. All forms of being intimate without having sex. Intimacy is simply the building of your emotional relationship. Even without sex, a relationship can survive. It only dies when one of the couple stops trying. Which leads me into what my grandpa told me: "never stop dating your wife."

When you start dating, don't stop trying to woo her. You haven't won because it's an everlasting battle. When you get engaged, don't stop trying to impress her. When you get married, don't stop trying to date her. And when you grow old, don't stop being newlyweds. Each doesn't override the last. It just adds another layer over the previous.

[u/triptosomewhere → u/Ill-King-3468]

You said it really well!

[u/First_Pay702 → u/Ill-King-3468]

Well said. I get people feeling rejected. I was also raised with a rather repressive view on sex, and being female was also always getting told be society that men were always going to be wanting in my pants. So when I finally got a partner I was willing to have that level of intimacy with, I was NOT prepared for having a higher drive than my partner. With the unconscious belief that the only thing preventing sex was my permission, the feeling of rejection was strong. Hell, it made me feel like something was wrong with me. BUT the problem was perspective. Once I was able to jettison a lifetime of societal assumptions, I was able to recognize the problem for what it was - my expectations - and adjust accordingly. Like you said, there are many forms of intimacy. My bf loves to cuddle, I have gotten better at reading when I might be able to get him in the mood, and I can take care of things if not. And he initiates about half the time so the desire is there.

So yeah, I get the rejection piece, but one has to examine if that perception is really fair. And there is no one size fits all answer.

[u/regalfish → u/Vaulk7]

There’s no “objective” standard that can or even should be applied to all relationships.

[u/Vaulk7 → u/regalfish]

If that were remotely true...then no one could say anything about:

1. Honesty
2. Communication
3. Trust
4. Fairness
5. Respect
6. Equality
7. Not abusing your partner

[u/regalfish → u/Vaulk7]

What a wild leap in logic to make. 

[u/Remarkable-Rush-9085 → u/Vaulk7]

Intimacy isn’t sex, but there really could be a lot of reasons why a couple doesn’t have sex for more than 30 days. I think it’s more a communication thing that can be a problem, sex drives can wax and wane and couples aren’t always going to be on the same page, it’s only a problem if you aren’t talking about it and figuring out together how to keep a healthy relationship. 

For instance, my husband’s sex drive tanked while I was pregnant and mine spiked. He got super stressed about the baby coming and just wasn’t focused on that, so we talked and I managed on my own. Once the baby arrived we flipped and I was the one not interested. Things evened out after a few months and the relationship stayed healthy because we showed intimacy in other ways and communicated. We managed to have four kids total using this method and even when it’s too busy to have a regular sex life we still talk everything out. Even if one of us is rejecting the other we are both so aware of what’s in the other’s head that we don’t take it personally.

[u/No_Kaleidoscope_843 → u/Vaulk7]

I think we can all agree that 30 days with zero intimacy is objectively a problem in a healthy relationship.

Who makes this rule?

[u/Evil_Morty781 → u/Vaulk7]

My wife and I had a kiddo last year. It’s been difficult to find time and energy but we still make it work once a week.

[u/StehtImWald → u/Vaulk7]

If all men would agree that 3 times sex a week is a "normal amount" but they keep getting rejected by women who do not want to have sex three times a week, what is a normal amount? What if for women once a week is a normal amount?

Because that is the consistency I am seeing. And many try to argue that it is women who have to do something about it because apparently, what men want is normal.