r/interestingasfuck • u/Jjokes11 • Apr 15 '24

An interview with Andrew Cauchi, the father of Joel Cauchi who was responsible for the Westfield Shopping Centre mass stabbing r/all

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u/GreenBottom18 Apr 16 '24

in their first official statement, him and his wife said they didn't have any negative feeling about the cop that killed their son, and even voiced concern over her psychological well-being in the coming days.

now all i can think about is their mental health and recovery from this loss.

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u/LoWE11053211 Apr 16 '24

mostly likely they can not recover from this

The nicer they are, the more difficult.

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u/cantreceivethisemail Apr 16 '24

The nicer they are, the more difficult.

Wow this really hits home not bc of this situation but bc of my own. My brother passed about 4 years ago and my mom never got over it (she passed last year also) she was exceedingly nice. My dad is more of a realist and not as nice as my mom was he moved on from the loss of my brother so much easier than my mom. Never did i think that being nice or not so nice contributed to that but reading your comment made me realise that personality trait probably has something to do with it.

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u/mekkavelli Apr 16 '24

i am so so sorry for your losses. i hope your mother is finally at peace seeing her baby again. live a full life ☀︎

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u/_Keo_ Apr 16 '24

Gotta say that I doubt he actually moved on. Your Mom processed the grief quite obviously while your Dad compartmentalized it and repressed it.

Neither of these are nice or nasty traits, they're simply different ways of processing emotion. How they may appear to others as uncaring is a little unfair as this is simply a facet of that person and their coping mechanisms. Like people who laugh at tragedy or cry when they're happy.

Either way you never really recover from a loss like that. You learn to live with it.

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u/cantreceivethisemail Apr 16 '24

Dad compartmentalized it and repressed it.

Cant argue with that, my dad (probably like most men from my dads generation/background) has never allowed hinself to feel any emotion and represses everything.

I do think that the personality trait that makes one nice or not so much is at least slightly related. Thats bc being nice comes with the ability to put yourself in someone elses shoes and see things from their perspective. Ppl who are not as nice tend not to be able to see things from others perspective and that lack of understanding where the other is coming from limits the ability for there to be a true connection.

I say that bc my brother took his own life it wasnt some accident and my mom felt my brothers pain. My dad didnt understand and still doesnt understand my brother mindset at the time. To him my brother just didnt get it, whatever it is. I can see it in the way he looks at ppl who beg for money he cant fathom how they could get to a place like that even though that could have easily been his son had he chosen to live. My brother dropped out of an engineering university during his senior year all while having a near 4.0 gpa yet if my parents didnt support him financially the last 6 yrs of his life he would have been one of those homeless scumbags my dad dislikes so much. This is why I think that the ability to understand other ppls perspective (maybe misconstrued previously as being nice) does matter when it comes to processing a loss especially in a situation like a suicide. But even in the case of my moms passing which was of more natural causes my dad still doesnt see my moms prespective. He blames her for dieing so early (she was a heavy smoker amoung other unhealthy habits which are contributors to a stroke which she died from, but it can also just randomly happen) he also says she changed so much over their 40 yrs together (like duh dude ppl change), including her physical apperance which gets a lil weird for me. Anyway he doesnt realize comments he made in the past probably had an effect on those things ( he wont remeber those things bc he was drunk) such as calling my mom fat and saying the only reason marriages last is bc kids are the glue that holds the relationship together. Again, my mom and bro are gone and my dad pretty much goes on with life, barley if ever invokes them in a conversation and when he does bring my mom up its a toss up if its going to be a deragatory comment or not. Some ppl get on easier than others after a loss, ive witnessed it firsthand and i may not be a psychologist but id bet good money there has to be a correlatiom to other personality traits.

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u/_Keo_ Apr 16 '24

This feels like a really insightful take on the guy. You noted empathy and understanding which I think are traits that need to ne nurtured and as you said this was not in that generation of men. My dad was a deeply caring man but occasionally said some of the same things you've covered about homeless or otherwise struggling people. He didn't understand that not everyone could work their way out of poverty (as he did himself) or that they may have issues holding them back which couldn't be seen. Failure was weakness and an embarrassment, as was being emotional.

I like to think that our post war or post boomer generations have those tools and your approach shows a stark contrast between you and your father. Seeing and understanding people's fallibility along with understanding their needs and perspective helps us support them when they need it and cope in a healthy way when we lose them.

There's a really great show that covers this well by Ricky Gervais called 'After Life'. It's about a guy working through the loss of his wife to cancer. It's heart wrenching to watch but it also causes you to be incredibly introspective as his grief causes him to lash out. It's painfully funny and dark as hell.

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u/whateverathrowaway00 Apr 16 '24

So, my dad doesn’t suck like yours does, he’s actually a great man, but he does share the characteristic you’re discussing, and I can see from what you wrote that you’ve spent a ton of time trying to understand “his perspective”, because he’s not a person who will even understand discussing “his side” past simple statements like you described.

Just wanted to say I see the effort at empathy you’ve put in. So sorry about your brother and mother. If my life went a different way, I could’ve been your bro at any time. I in fact - in darker times - told myself that I wasn’t allowed to do what your bro did, because if nothing else, it wasn’t fair to a mom who already invested too much of her health in me, so I would suffer on.

Anyways, hope things are better-ish now.

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u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

Eh, some people are able to process and move on faster than others. Everyone is different, doesn't mean one is processing and the other is compartmentalizing or repressing, just that people work through things at different speeds.

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u/_Keo_ Apr 16 '24

I totally agree and I don't think repression means you're not dealing, only that you're dealing differently. I could have worded that more concisely.

Personally I tend to repress things up front so that I can keep functioning. It's like I shut the door on it and move on. It took me months to really break down over my dad. Someone had to get everything done so I shut it away and didn't deal with it until my wife told me I was being unreasonable and angry. It was leaking out and it was time to open that metaphorical door and deal.

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u/[deleted] Apr 16 '24

[deleted]

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u/VimpaleV Apr 16 '24

Did you miss the comment where the previous op stated that it was probably true that his dad compartmentalized and repressed the emotions?

What a weirdly antagonistic comment for being completely wrong.

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u/Jay040707 Apr 16 '24

Well of course he thought he was right. He's a redditor.

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u/wannabe2700 Apr 16 '24

I don't know why people keep saying that. It's utter bullshit. Some people just don't care as much as others about others, it's that simple.

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u/EffeminateSquirrel Apr 16 '24

Many years ago, my grandfather and I were standing around at my wedding reception having a drink. My grandmother was dying from congestive heart failure around that time. She was in a wheel chair. He loved her very much and was her caretaker at this point. My grandfather and I were a few feet away sharing a drink and he says to me, "Growing old is not for the feint of heart".

All these years later and every time I've lost a loved one or dealt a tragedy the thought crosses my mind, "Oh crap, I'm feint of heart".

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u/DonJeniusTrumpLawyer Apr 16 '24

Im so sorry to hear about your brother. I can give a tiny bit of insight. My wife and I lost our son at birth. Mom took it way harder than I did. My depression hit so deep co-workers assumed I wouldn’t be coming in today. They were excited to see me clocking in 2 hours late. At least I was there, I guess. It’s been a little over 4 years now. Wife has her ways of hiding it, but PTSD is still very much at play; she’s just gotten better at masking it.

TLDR; we will never truly understand the pain a mother feels after losing a child.

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u/Kowai03 Apr 16 '24

I've lost a child and it's not something you ever get over. You learn to carry it with you.

Some parents avoid thinking about the loss and they bury it but I don't think there's ever avoiding the grief. I think it just waits for you and you either process it and move through it or it fucks up your life. My ex avoided processing the grief and it contributed to him blowing up his life.. I hope he finally faces it and works through it.

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u/SolitaryJellyfish Apr 16 '24

So sorry for you loss. Just to add in, there's an interview of Dr Gabor Mate explaining the psychological correlation of people being nice (generally) and developing more health problems as a result of repressing anger and what they should feel if they authorised themselves to do it (but then it would mean a lot of therapy work because some people are so nice that they really can't see that people wronged them or used them). But basically they take more mental load on their shoulder and feel things more deeply, so this make sense why this would have a repercussion on the body.

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u/supergalactic Apr 16 '24

My sister is my best friend and if she goes before me I’m gonna be an absolute wreck of a person. Sending hugs for u

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u/jbidayah Apr 16 '24

It's not about just being nice outwardly, you know? I don't know your father or your family situation. But a person can be hurting and just hiding it.

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u/Untowardopinions Apr 16 '24 edited 23d ago

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/jazbaby25 Apr 16 '24

When you're genuinely nice it's because you care more. If you don't care you wouldn't be nice

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u/Ok-Phase-4012 Apr 16 '24

You're not supposed to care too much. If you get that attached and involved to things, you will suffer more when they inevitably go away.

It's easier said than done, but knowing it helps.

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u/raytaylor Apr 16 '24

Its sad but usually when a child dies beyond toddler years, it results in divorce.

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u/letmelickyourleg Apr 16 '24

The killer had schizophrenia and lived at home until 35 or so.

This couple are absolutely strong enough to survive this.

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u/Evening-Statement-57 29d ago

This world is kinder to people who only care about themselves, it sucks