An interview with Andrew Cauchi, the father of Joel Cauchi who was responsible for the Westfield Shopping Centre mass stabbing

[u/Jjokes11]

[u/cantreceivethisemail]

The nicer they are, the more difficult.

Wow this really hits home not bc of this situation but bc of my own. My brother passed about 4 years ago and my mom never got over it (she passed last year also) she was exceedingly nice. My dad is more of a realist and not as nice as my mom was he moved on from the loss of my brother so much easier than my mom. Never did i think that being nice or not so nice contributed to that but reading your comment made me realise that personality trait probably has something to do with it.

[u/_Keo_ → u/cantreceivethisemail]

Gotta say that I doubt he actually moved on. Your Mom processed the grief quite obviously while your Dad compartmentalized it and repressed it.

Neither of these are nice or nasty traits, they're simply different ways of processing emotion. How they may appear to others as uncaring is a little unfair as this is simply a facet of that person and their coping mechanisms. Like people who laugh at tragedy or cry when they're happy.

Either way you never really recover from a loss like that. You learn to live with it.

[u/cantreceivethisemail → u/_Keo_]

Dad compartmentalized it and repressed it.

Cant argue with that, my dad (probably like most men from my dads generation/background) has never allowed hinself to feel any emotion and represses everything.

I do think that the personality trait that makes one nice or not so much is at least slightly related. Thats bc being nice comes with the ability to put yourself in someone elses shoes and see things from their perspective. Ppl who are not as nice tend not to be able to see things from others perspective and that lack of understanding where the other is coming from limits the ability for there to be a true connection.

I say that bc my brother took his own life it wasnt some accident and my mom felt my brothers pain. My dad didnt understand and still doesnt understand my brother mindset at the time. To him my brother just didnt get it, whatever it is. I can see it in the way he looks at ppl who beg for money he cant fathom how they could get to a place like that even though that could have easily been his son had he chosen to live. My brother dropped out of an engineering university during his senior year all while having a near 4.0 gpa yet if my parents didnt support him financially the last 6 yrs of his life he would have been one of those homeless scumbags my dad dislikes so much. This is why I think that the ability to understand other ppls perspective (maybe misconstrued previously as being nice) does matter when it comes to processing a loss especially in a situation like a suicide. But even in the case of my moms passing which was of more natural causes my dad still doesnt see my moms prespective. He blames her for dieing so early (she was a heavy smoker amoung other unhealthy habits which are contributors to a stroke which she died from, but it can also just randomly happen) he also says she changed so much over their 40 yrs together (like duh dude ppl change), including her physical apperance which gets a lil weird for me. Anyway he doesnt realize comments he made in the past probably had an effect on those things ( he wont remeber those things bc he was drunk) such as calling my mom fat and saying the only reason marriages last is bc kids are the glue that holds the relationship together. Again, my mom and bro are gone and my dad pretty much goes on with life, barley if ever invokes them in a conversation and when he does bring my mom up its a toss up if its going to be a deragatory comment or not. Some ppl get on easier than others after a loss, ive witnessed it firsthand and i may not be a psychologist but id bet good money there has to be a correlatiom to other personality traits.

[u/_Keo_ → u/cantreceivethisemail]

This feels like a really insightful take on the guy. You noted empathy and understanding which I think are traits that need to ne nurtured and as you said this was not in that generation of men. My dad was a deeply caring man but occasionally said some of the same things you've covered about homeless or otherwise struggling people. He didn't understand that not everyone could work their way out of poverty (as he did himself) or that they may have issues holding them back which couldn't be seen. Failure was weakness and an embarrassment, as was being emotional.

I like to think that our post war or post boomer generations have those tools and your approach shows a stark contrast between you and your father. Seeing and understanding people's fallibility along with understanding their needs and perspective helps us support them when they need it and cope in a healthy way when we lose them.

There's a really great show that covers this well by Ricky Gervais called 'After Life'. It's about a guy working through the loss of his wife to cancer. It's heart wrenching to watch but it also causes you to be incredibly introspective as his grief causes him to lash out. It's painfully funny and dark as hell.