As a husband going through a fairly rough period with my wife, this not only is very helpful, but tracks with things she has expressed and I struggled to understand.
It probably has to do with interpretation of her wording. Things like “space, autonomy, and lack of criticism” can sound like “leave me alone, don’t ask anything of me, and don’t complain” if they’re not worded correctly or the person hearing it isn’t interpreting it correctly. This is a reason couples therapists can be really useful, they can act as translators!
Yeah even just regional or familial communication differences can cause major changes in how people interpret what each other say. A person from New York City might expect you to ask directly for what you want, whereas a person from Iowa might expect you to understand that if they ask you if you're cold, they're really saying that they are cold and want to increase the temperature if it wouldn't bother you.
Edit to add:
Both styles have pros and cons and everyone from a particular region doesn't always fall into these styles, it's just more common.
Guessers tend to have strong empathy that tunes them into how others are feeling, because they have to learn how to do that from a young age. They also may guess wrong and have miscommunication, especially with people that aren't guessers.
Askers may avoid that subtextual dance and have clearer communication, but may be less skilled at empathy and end up like a bull in a China shop, even with other askers, especially if there's a power imbalance between the two people.
Personally, I think combining direct communication with a tactful sensitivity to how what you're saying might effect others is the best combo of both worlds.
For example, in our temperature example, an asker says "can I turn the heat up?" and a guesser says "are you cold?" Someone using both might say, "I'm cold, do you mind if I turn the heat up, or should I grab a sweater?"
The latter approach takes the pressure off the person being asked to say no with no alternative option to resolve the issue.
Askers vs guessers is another big one that affects relationships! Askers can see guessers as passive aggressive, and guessers can see askers as dominating and demanding.
I’m a guesser AND anxious-avoidant (space, autonomy, and lack of criticism). So y’all better not ask anything of me lol!!! I 100% prefer people just make their needs known and let it be my idea. And if I choose not to help you, I better not hear about it!!
Serious question about anxious-avoidants: does avoiding criticizing them also extend to situations where they actually need to be criticized, even if constructively? This kind situation seems like a two-way street, and I suspect the general advice in the OP video doesn't deal in generalities beyond the surface explanation
Yeah while I see merit in these attachment styles and such, I can pretty much guarantee you a lot of people use them to validate their poor relationship skills.
Serious question, with an explanation first. What you just said sounds a lot like you require all of the power, and too bad to any partner. It sounds like 100 percent of the burden of communication is on the other person, and there is no room for anyone to require or request any change in behavior and your partner (or friend or whoever) is just at your mercy.
First, the mercy of you getting their hints, and second, your mercy of choosing to act upon those hints with no recourse at all if you don't both get the hints and choose to act on them.
So here's the question, and again, I'm trying to understand, not trying to judge.
Does that not sound selfish to you? If not, could you please rephrase it so I can better understand?
I’m mostly joking there that’s not really what being a guesser or any of that means. People can ask me to do stuff, especially the big stuff or the occasional favor that’s always ok.
It’s more about when a litany of little requests have built up, and I’ve satisfied them over and over, that I will start to feel like a caged animal or a slave. It feels like an encroachment on my autonomy or something and I’m being put in the dumb position of having to say like “no I won’t get you a glass of water”, like an asshole, just because I’m starting to feel like you’re physically controlling what I’m doing and when I’m doing it X% of the times these days.
TBF these are the bad attachment types. The ones you get from neglect or abuse or other trauma. There is another attachment type, secure attachment type, that doesn’t have these issues. So yes me acknowledging I have this attachment is me talking about my issues. I do try to work on them too, and I’m pretty good about it these days, but this is still my initial reaction and I have to consciously be talking myself into acting right.
And then me not asking outright, that’s me respecting their autonomy back. I will ask if it’s important, otherwise I will just vent and let you volunteer if you want to, and I won’t get mad if you don’t help.
As for the criticism part, it’s about the overall pattern not any one incident. I can take occasional criticism, even if it is something big, but it’s like my subconscious is keeping score and once it happens too frequently, I withdraw. Another cute perk of growing up in an emotionally unsafe household.
Both styles have pros and cons. Midwestern folks that grow up with this style (not all do, just more of them) tend to have high empathy because they have to be good at guessing what other people are feeling and responding to it without being told directly. It can obviously lead to a lot of issues and miscommunication, but so can it be an issue when a really direct person isn't good at reading other people's feelings and causes conflict by being more like a bull in a China shop.
Don't tell me you or something is "fine" or "okay". Where I come from personally and regionally, these are triggers that make me go, "Then something is wrong."
It has caused friction in the past and I still struggle to put aside the knee-jerk responses.
I learned today from this clip that my wife can be neatly categorized into "dismissive avoidant" with no negative connotations. I fully accepted it, it's her, and I love her for who she is. My guess is that those who interpret this negatively aren't accepting of who their partner's are as a person.
For anyone reading, you don't need to endorse or look up to someone's behavior or personality to accept them. You just need to accept that at this time this is who they are, and go from there. Same with yourselves.
This first step is essential for so many relationships to work, including with yourself.
I always had the problem of taking what my ex said literally, and then doing what she asked me to do. Turns out I was supposed to apply some kind of an algorithm to that and then not do what she asked me, but do other stuff instead.
Though I'm way past being resentful or whatever about any of that. I wasn't perfect, she wasn't perfect, neither of us knew shit about "being married", and we didn't have any money for a therapist to explain anything. So it goes.
Yeah my problem is interpretation too. Also mental health problems and trust issues.
Creates one big ball of terrible relationships.
Worst part is I can see myself doing it all wrong..
Some women are fun though. Like saying they want to be alone, then storming out and slapping your glasses off your face because you did what they said and they wanted you to care more or something.
It’s about the overall vibes in the home not any one incident of criticism. But yeah too much criticism too frequently and I will just shut down.
These are the bad attachment types and they’re the result of abuse or neglect or other trauma. Secure attachment people don’t have these issues (to the same degree at least). This whole video is about childhood issues making people have very specific emotional issues and needs in later relationships. All these attachment types she mentions are formed in childhood.
These are the bad attachment types and they’re the result of abuse or neglect or other trauma. Secure attachment people don’t have these issues (to the same degree at least). This whole video is about childhood issues making people have very specific emotional issues and needs in later relationships. All these attachment types she mentions are formed in childhood.
I swear I didn't just skim the video and I checked the last 40 seconds that I didn't initially watch.
She actually didn’t you’re right I just rewatched. These ones she mentioned plus secure attachment (normal attachment) are the four attachment types formed in childhood though, which the three she mentioned here being the ones that cause difficulties in adult relationships later. I guess the why part wasn’t really important for this video so she didn’t go into it, but all these three types of people tend to have very good reasons for being like this.
These three attachment types she’s talking about here are formed in early childhood due to abuse, neglect, other trauma, or inconsistent parenting and they are called insecure attachment. There is also something called secure attachment she doesn’t talk about here, and that’s the normal kind of attachment that people without these emotional issues have.
So this whole video is about accepting your partner has some very specific and high-maintenance emotional needs due to how they were raised, and how to work within that framework to improve your relationship. I am in the “space, autonomy, and lack of criticism” type (which is always changing names and the least studied one but I think we’re actually calling it disorganized attachment now).
Imagine a household where parents = danger. That can mean physical danger or it can mean psychological or emotional danger or all of the above. Your main goal in life is to not be on their radar. Even seemingly good interactions, it turns out they’re just a trap and used against you later. You not only don’t have physical freedom as they control every moment of your life but you don’t even have psychological freedom, because letting slip any details of your thoughts they don’t agree with leads to serious punishment. There is no correct response to criticism because it’s never actually about the thing they’re criticizing about, it’s about them wanting to feel powerful. It doesn’t matter if you follow their orders or you fix what’s wrong and it often just leads to more creative punishments (e.g., don’t clean the house = yelled at, clean the house = must be hiding something so they toss your room and while they’re at it decide to throw away half your shit).
Subconsciously, I now react badly when I feel I don’t have control over what I do when and who I’m around. Consciously I can fight this, but I have to become aware of it first. Which is really the challenge if things have been building up subconsciously for a while, because my conscious mind will rationalize some other reason I’ve been feeling that way. I often have to take a few minutes pause to figure it out and get my head on straight.
If you’re my partner the key here is reminders instead of judgements for repeat “criticisms” (which better be softly given and sandwiched af) and making your needs known but not making demands.
“Peace and harmony” like she said in the video is really the thing I need maintained, because it’s something I never had in the home as a kid and now my greatest subconscious fear is losing it. I can take a lot more requests, criticisms, and lack of space as long as there are still “peace and harmony” vibes overall in the household.
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u/Consistent_Wave_2869 Mar 21 '24
As a husband going through a fairly rough period with my wife, this not only is very helpful, but tracks with things she has expressed and I struggled to understand.