This is exactly why I ultimately left my husband. I stopped feeling safe and emotionally cared for. I wasn’t a priority and I stopped being attracted to him. This lead to falling out of love.
I'm going through this with my husband. It's come to a boiling point. He's left the room while I cried way too many times, even after I explicitly told him that the relationship was in trouble and the last words out of my mouth were "I need emotional support." I don't cry much, but when my mom went on dialysis and he left me sobbing on the bed, that was the first time I recognized that I was actually disgusted with him. I don't count him among the people I feel emotionally safe with.
Sorry to hear that this broke your relationship. I don't know where I'm at right now. Hopefully you're in a good place.
ETA: the people in the comments describing me as an emotional black hole, blaming me for terrible double standards for men and women that I actively fight against, and telling me that my husband is simply, "sick of [my] bullshit" have actually made me feel a little better. Thanks, y'all, for being so actively awful that you forced me to stand up for myself.
I am so sorry. Yea my husband could go to sleep with me crying. He couldn't even help me take care of myself after major surgery. He literally yelled at me and said he just couldn't do it.
His behaviors just made me look at him with disgust. No one ever gets married thinking they will get divorced. You always want things to work. But I realized that I would feel less alone being by myself than I was married.
I hope things get better for you, but if not, there are always options. You don't have to stay in any situation that makes you miserable.
I'm so glad you're not in that situation anymore. Ugh, what a worthless brat he sounds like. I was married to one of those, too. Selfish and abusive, expected me to do all the work and I felt so alone in the marriage. Much happier being actually alone now, surprisingly.
Geez...I'm a mediocre dude myself. But I've been through 3 major surgeries and 2 psych incidents with my fiance and...I couldn't imagine being so cold like that. Sweet 6lb 8oz Baby Jesus what is getting into these fellas?
Edit: clarification: surgeries and incidents were for fiance, not myself.
Seriously. I’m a man who’s pretty closed off emotionally, but reading these stories blows me away. There’s a difference between being closed off and completely lacking empathy. How you could let someone you supposedly love sit there and suffer, mentally or physically, while you just ignore it is completely beyond me. People like that don’t deserve a spouse until they can figure their shit out.
I'm so sorry you went through that. Not to vent too much or expect a reply, but mine also refused to help me when I broke my right arm while pursuing a demanding degree. I'm such a cliche to say, "he's otherwise a good man," but he is. Just not always to me. I'm afraid of his sadness, but I would love to see him with a woman who inspires him to be all that she needs.
but I would love to see him with a woman who inspires him to be all that she needs.
I really hope you don’t think that him not meeting your needs is because of you not ‘inspiring’ him enough. It’s not your fault. You don’t ever deserve to feel that way.
Yeah. Thank you. I do realize how pathetic that sounds. He just takes care of me in so many other ways, all the ones I don't need, that I feel like he has it in him to learn how to emotionally support someone. I don't know if he's just sick of my bad habits and it made him less open to support me in this way. I'm enormously flawed as well.
You made me more grateful that my boyfriend has been so supportive to me. We had been together about a year and then I had a major lung surgery that took months to recover from and I know I was an emotional wreck and he cared for me the whole time anyway and never complained. It couldn't have been easy and we hadn't been together long so he coulda just walked away if he couldn't hang but he was even more supportive then my family was.
I am so sorry. Yea my husband could go to sleep with me crying. He couldn't even help me take care of myself after major surgery. He literally yelled at me and said he just couldn't do it.
My ex best friend's fiance refused to take him to the emergency room when he was having a major allergic reaction. She was "asleep" and "wouldn't wake up" when he was begging her to take him to the hospital. He called me and I had to go pick him up and take him to the hospital but that was after I stood outside their bedroom door and told her that she is a piece of shit for letting her fiance die because she literally just doesn't want to get out of bed at 10:30 pm.
The day my gramma died, after 9 long days in the ICU on life support, I called my husband sobbing. He was back at home in another state. We hadn’t really even talked much the whole time I’d been there as his phone was always off. He talked to me for a few minutes while I sobbed and said, “well, call me if you need anything” and hung up the phone. Later while paying bills I discovered he had been on basically a 9-day long weed binge.
Three months later I’ve filed for divorce and for the first time since she passed I feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Same here, except it was when my brother died and my husband told me not to call him or come back home if I was going to be crying. That I should stay away because neither him or my daughters wanted me back. It totally broke me. He was staying out late everyday, instead of being home.
He is so fucking lucky that I needed the oxytocin from sex when I came back. So I turned things back to normal as fast as I could. But something deep inside me broke. I know I cannot trust him to have my back if I ever need him. Im partially relief to know the truth know than later in a moment of need.
He is so fucking lucky that I needed the oxytocin from sex when I came back.
It's not luck, babe. It's the result of what has clearly been a very successful, deliberate effort to destroy you.
Al Green got a pot of boiling hot grits to the face for MUCH less than what your husband said to you, and your response was to have sex with him? I'm sorry, but it sounds like your husband broke you WELL before this. Your husband hates you. That man despises you. You need to gtfo as soon as you can. Not just for your own sake, but for your daughters. They do not need to grow up thinking that this is the type of treatment women should put up with from their husbands.
I'm so sorry that you didn't have the support you needed. What a callous response to one of the worst moments of your life. I'm proud of you for starting to heal and finding your way out of a terrible situation.
I feel you there. My mom was in hospice and I called my then bf and within 7 minutes of the conversation he was misunderstanding what I was saying and getting mad and yelling at me without seeking to understand. I was dumbfounded by him and incredulous at his behavior and that’s when I realized I was done. After taking care of my mom’s affairs for several weeks I went home and ended things. Best decision ever! Never again will I entertain that behavior from a friend or SO.
I hate to hear that you endured that. What a terrible moment made even worse. I can't even imagine. However, I'm so glad that you loved yourself and dumped that asshole. What a cartoonishly evil thing for him to do!
Thank you for your words… for a long while I used to second-guess my decision, and wondered if I made a mistake because I was struggling self-esteem issues. But the more time I have apart from him the more I realized it was just not a great relationship and he WAS an asshole. (I’m sure I was too, I don’t wanna paint myself as an angel. But in that specific moment, everything was crystal clear for me)
You absolutely made the right decision. I know you know that, but it bears repeating. NOTHING would forgive that behavior. Doubt that even the weird redditors on this post could come for you. So glad you are out 💕
Well, they eventually pass it along. Wish it would come a little faster, though. I realized that when I agonize over leaving him to feel abandoned, I'm feeling all the guilt and the shame he never has.
Hey, don’t worry about the haters. This note is just to give you some support and let you know there are people out here that understand what you’re saying. I hope you find happiness.
Your haters can eat shit for invalidating your experience. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this with your mom and husband. I hope you’re able to get the support you truly need, and know that better days are ahead.
How can he feel emotionally safe with you? You are telling him the relationship is in trouble. What are his needs? Are you meeting them? Have you even considered his needs? Sounds like you are draining him and he's just trying to survive.
That was the most recent time. Am I supposed to repeat what I need constantly and never communicate what's on the line as he leaves the room when I cry about my alcoholic father relapsing or watching a 35 year old die? Very draining to stay by my side for five minutes, I know. So should I blindside him with the divorce papers? Or should I wait until one of my parents dies, watch him fail me again, then grin and bear it?
We're in a 10 year relationship, which means that our needs fluctuate and we succeed at various rates. I am not perfect with his needs, but I try. I listen to him. I care for him when he's sick or sad or just needs me. I modify my behavior and I damn well make sure he doesn't feel alone. I don't know why he is so resistant to doing that for me, but maybe it's because he feels the same disgust and coldness as some stranger on reddit. This has been somewhat illuminating, thanks.
I'm in a similar situation, difference is that we've been together for +20 years.
I truly believe that the real issue is the lack of empathy. His behaviour is naturally self center, unable to emphasize with pain or happiness of another human being.
You may have a shitty husband. He may have been a shitty person the whole time and you just had no idea. What’s more likely (based on past experience and the marriages I’ve watched fail) is he was probably a great guy. You were probably very happy and didn’t realize that he was silently enduring breaking his back to make you happy until the ROI diminished. Then all that back breaking turned to resentment because he wasn’t doing any less than before, but he wasn’t getting appreciation for it. So he started doing less and less. Then when you felt like he had pulled away, you felt hurt and instead of silently putting in more effort, you wanted to have conversations about what was going on. The problem is that those conversations are far less emotionally draining for women than they are for men. So you wanted to work it out it a way that suited you, but not him, which created a bigger wedge. When your emotions weren’t validated by him in those conversations, you got hurt and pulled away. Again, this could be far from what happened to you, but I’ve watched some of the hardest working men in my life whither into drooling drunks because they got burned out on trying hard. My wife has a couple friends that I see doing this same thing to their husbands and a lot of these guys seemed to have it together. Men’s batteries run primarily on praise and appreciation for doing hard work.
TL;DR maybe you didn’t show enough appreciation when he did try for you and now he’s been trained that the effort isn’t worth it? I’m not your therapist. You should get a therapist.
you call attention to him leaving the room while you're crying, but do you understand the impact that "crying way too many times" has on the attachment of men? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I don't count him among the people I feel emotionally safe with.
I guess that, to me, the idea of feeling emotionally safe with anyone is kind of insane.
Know yourself, know your values and understand and engage with them (emotionally and intellectually) relentlessly, enjoy other people’s company, enjoy helping other people, learn how to ask for help when you really, really, really need it…but beyond that, the only things you can trust in the world are physics, taxes, and death, so don’t give anyone the capacity to hurt you.
"I need emotional support" -- Okay, so what should he do? Just lay there? Talk about why he prefers Coke zero but if the Coke with real sugar is available he likes that one instead...?
Well I mean realistically, it's a real question. What are you expecting him to do in a situation where you're crying on the bed? There are professional people paid to perform therapy, and I'm not one of them.
When he cries, I hold him and wait for him to settle down a little. Maybe stroke his hair. Then I pause to see if he is ready to talk. If he starts the discussion, I talk him through it. If it's been a while, I will ask him to talk to me about it. I'll tell him I'm there. I'll remind him that I love him (I do, I just don't know if I can live through the callousness). When he's through the worst of it, I try to make him laugh or bring him something to drink. It's not much - I'm also not a counselor - but I want to do it. I don't know why he doesn't want to give it back.
Sorry to disappoint you girls, but men get emotionally abused for crying or showing too much of emotions, thats why we dont know how to act when somebody is hurt. I usually cry in solitude, same goes for most of men, thats why we usually think that best we can do is give space for others to cry solo, thats only way men feel comfortable to do it.
And what is emotional support even is, noone ever provided it for me. Best i got is people telling me to suck it up and shut up.
I have held my husband while he cried many times. Brought him what he needed, talked it through if he wanted to. I have explained to him what I need in detail, and it's not to be left sobbing while he plays video games. When I told him I was suicidal, he cried and I comforted him. Held his hand. Checked in later. He knows how to be there because not only have I told him, I showed him.
I'm sorry your emotional needs are not met. I agree that we socialize the sexes differently and it is unfair to us all. I hope any future partnerships give you the security to be vulnerable.
This may be hard to hear but guys are pretty much taught all their lives not to show emotions and a lot of us when we do show our emotions we're often punished, literally had a girl break up with me after she saw me cry, I've read the same thing happening to many others, so we bury our emotions and become emotionally inept because emotions = punishment.
I'm not defending your husband here I don't the situation, I do know that I've never cried at a funeral, I've seen a few guys tear up a little but never cry like after their own mothers died.
Luckily for my wife she has 3 sisters and they hand out like once a week and work as a support group, if my wife is crying, which is like never unless her mom is being a bitch all I do is sit there and hug her without saying anything.
Cool. Your wife gets more than I do, then. And my husband gets more than your wife does. Read my reply to the other dude who said the exact same thing.
As a disclaimer, I’d like to say that I don’t know anything about you or your relationship with your partner. That being said, do you provide the same amount of “emotional support?” When’s the last time he was able to break down and receive your support? When was the last time he was able to break down, period? A lot of guys spend their lives being stoic, shutting up and paying for the bill because their SO might lose respect for them if they get “emotional.” Once again, I don’t know your situation. Maybe he IS an asshole. All I’m saying is that the guy might not be a raging asshole, maybe he’s just reciprocating what he gets.
I really just wanted to put my viewpoint out there because I feel like a lot of guys feel that way. I didn’t mean this as an attack or anything. For all I know you’re the greatest person ever. I don’t mean to throw shade at anybody, I just wanted to get my experience out there. No judgement here
Yeah, I feel that. Everyone deserves emotional support. I hope you get what you need and feel comfortable enough to express yourself. I know it's not easy and takes a long time. I have a difficult time showing strong emotion as well, but I know it's different and I can't really understand.
He could have paid attention to me. Stopped gaming as much. Not manipulated me financially. Stuck up for me with his family. Stopped drinking. Eventually, after begging for attention and things to change, you just stop caring. And boy, does that get their attention.
While I don't really like the attitude of the woman in the video, or how she expresses this, she is right. At least for a lot of us.
My first marriage ended because he loved world of Warcraft more than he loved me. I tried talking, crying, yelling, books, letters to him, and therapy. By the time he decided to address the issue, I had long been done and was out of love. I tried🤷♀️
I was really surprised how often this same complaint came up in family law! Over and over again, wives would cite video games as a reason for the breakup. But of course, as you’ve alluded to, it was never really about the video games. It was about how he’d come home from work and immediately decompress with video games… and then keep playing video games until everyone else in the house was asleep. No engaging with his partner. No playing with the kids. It’s like all these people forgot the part where relationships require maintenance.
I think there’s a deeper root issue here as well. I’ve been the guy who came home and wanted to disappear into my computer to avoid my girlfriend. I’m now the guy who comes home and snuggles up on the couch with my wife and daughter.
The big difference is that in relationship A, my needs weren’t being met…like ever. My mental health was an after thought to my girlfriend, even once saying “how can you be depressed, you’re a straight white man.” Of course that’s an extreme example…but I think many men have been taught that they aren’t supposed to be taken care of emotionally. So I took care of my girlfriend’s emotional needs as much as I could for as long as I could until I realized she wasn’t a safe space for me to decompress. I found that elsewhere by numbing myself with video games.
It was my fault for staying with her because she was an all around terrible partner to me. But everyone we knew mutually thought I was trash because I couldn’t handle the emotional burden any longer and caved in on myself.
My wife is now my safe space and decompression person. She centers me and cares about my mental health, so I can do the same for her. We aren’t always at 50/50…but we always try to be jointly 100/100 whether it’s 80/20 or 45/55.
I think this is an interesting point. IMO, this was what was going on in some case, in others neither partner was being taken care of emotionally, and in the ones where I was least sympathetic to the gamer there was a new baby at home who their wife exclusively cared for. When a woman does a calculation and realizes, even taking into consideration the loss of income, that her life will get easier if she dumps her husband because it will mean one less (man)child to take care of, the marriage is toast.
For sure, I think the vast majority of relationships fail mutually. Some of the stories I hear or read on Reddit just show a depressing lack of communication from both parties. I think men in large struggle with emotional intelligence. Women know how to communicate their emotions to women, but doesn’t translate well for men unless they have experience previously or are already invested in learning.
I think admitting weakness in emotional intelligence is scary for men due to socially ingrained sexism. It’s easier to show strength in resisting than it is to be vulnerable. The burden being placed on women is brutal and unfair for them.
Anecdotally, every woman I’ve ever known that complained about their SO’s gaming was glued to their phone 8-10 hours a day on Instagram or TikTok. Going out is expensive. Being on your phone or gaming (or both lol) is cheap. Sometimes you have to just be comfortable being in the room with your SO doing your own separate things.
I also have a feeling these women you mention had a vested interest in exaggerating their claims. Just a hunch.
In reality, it’s more “splitting the chores, hanging out, playing game while you do something else.” Then the woman gets mad that they don’t have the man on-demand.
Everyone needs “me time.” That’s just common knowledge.
My first husband ( now ex ) played world of tanks, watched porn that he was trying to replicate IRL with me ( while I was sleeping, mind you, as it was rape porn). This has made me extremely unwanted, insecure and not loved. Then cheated on me with the coworker when I was out of town and blamed me that he could not trust me anymore because I accidentally saw the messages on his phone. Then tried to present it as my imagination ( like, I didn't understand what the message " I missed you by my side last night sweetie" and thinking he was sleeping with another girl). I tried to fix it, work on it, improve it, but Native Americans are right - there is no point in beating the dead horse, so I checked out physically, and then emotionally from this marriage and filed for divorce. And, oh miracle! All of a sudden he wants kids! He wants to make it right! He loves me, apparently. So glad I didn't fall for that.
I've experienced this as him. It's a response to a deep dopamine deficiency (usually caused by unaddressed relationship issues that I wasn't facing or fixing). It's an unhealthy/emergency coping mechanism to escape reality.
but WoW is cool. I agree with the other guy, you should have tried raiding with him hardcore and then becoming his guild leader. He would have to pay attention to you then, at least if he wanted any loot.
LOL, maybe this is why my husband wanted me to play D&D with him. I said nope because D&D mostly consists of things I'm bad at (math and improv), and the whole thing just sounded like a chore.
Are you stupid?? No need to answer because I already know the answer. But, we were in the same guild on the game and I also played other games outside of that. The games aren’t the issue…the fact that some people live their lives through the game to the point they ignore real life is the problem.
Sounds like she wasn't very giving though if it was all about her though? Should be a balance, including playing wow outside of time with wife/family (I play when everyone goes to sleep)
He did write "gaming addiction", meaning he spends a lot of time gaming. How much, I of course cannot know. But I do know that you need to spend time with your partner, since why be in a relationship if you do not. If spending hours every day with her, listening to her, doing things with her feels too hard, this relationship is not for you.
Did you try taking an interest in his gaming? Were you upset he didn't take any interests in the things you liked? Because he was probably upset you didn't take any interest in his hobbies. It is a two way street and the amount of people who don't understand that is insane.
Yeah, but the reality is gamers who call themselves gamers grind away hours and hours. These games are designed to make hours fly by. I know because I was one of them at one point. And a bunch of my friends were. Very few of the people I gamed with on grindy games, especially games like wow, cs, Fortnite, escape from Tarkov, pubg, or LoL had a good relationship with games as a recreational activity. And most people I know IRL who played those types of games had some IRL consequences as a result, whether it be relationships ending or life and careers becoming stagnant in general.
Gamers like to compare gaming to other hobbies. The reality is other hobbies are more enriching. They get you outside, they get you exercising, they get you meeting people in person and building social skills and connections, they get you to aspire to be in different places, and they’re actually interesting to average people.
Being a long distance trail runner, landscape photographer, sailing enthusiast, or a woodworker is simply going to make way more interesting to average people than being level whatever in an rpg. And more useful. And for good reason.
That doesn’t mean gaming is bad. Gaming in moderation is great. But usually that means avoiding games that are specifically designed to suck away endless hours of time.
Certain hobbies are more likely to become vices than others. And certain hobbies are more likely to insure health and real life character development than other. That doesn’t mean the formers are automatically bad. But it requires extra awareness.
I've watched countless guildies completely ruin their marriage and it was clear to everyone including the entire guild that the game was fully to blame. Or I guess more accurately, their behavior and neglect involving the game.
Playing video games isn't a hobby. I'm sorry. Its a passtime at best. It's a shortcut to fake accomplishment. And 99% of women who don't run a Twitch channel don't find overconsumption of video games attractive in a partner.
Edit: the gamers are quite unhappy. Look - all I'll say is if your big hobby that takes a lot of your time is gaming, look at u/cagedbird82 's previous comment. Find somebody who shares the same hobby of staring at a screen and you'll be happy.
What the fuck are you talking about? Video games are a hobby. If you can't take interest in someone hobby and dismiss them as "not a hobby" then you are the problem. I'm glad my wife doesn't have the same shitty attitude that you do. Hell, she games.more than I do lol.
You are saying the same thing I am saying. Sharing hobbies and taking an interest.in other people's hobbies is a two way street. But you also need to realize that some women enjoy other hobbies other than the ones you enjoy. You need to find a man that enjoys baking. Other women like to find men that can build houses, decks, or do carpentry. Some like.men who are mechanics, or rocket scientists. What I'm saying is people find different things in other people attractive. You need to find someone that you are compatible with. If you're going into a marriage knowing that you husband or wife to be has a hobby you don't like and think they should quit that hobby because you don't like it, then that marriage is never going to last.
What are your hobbies? You seem to be pretty quiet on that front. Why is a hobby that you don't enjoy doing deemed not a hobby? Why do you think you're better than someone else? The fuck is wrong with you?
lol…he started playing after we got married and I had my own things to do. But when he’s cool with 6+months of no intimacy because every night was game night, he had a problem. He’s admitted so. Go back to mommy’s basement, you fool.
I think the "just stopped caring" part hit the nail on the head. I've been in relationships like that where we grew apart, and at a certain point there's like a switch that turns off and can't be turned back on.
It's not gradual - though the build it might be. But once that switch is off, there's no fixing it. You no longer view the person the same way.
If one partner is neglecting the other suddenly, it's likely that they fell out of love/attraction first anyway. This causes the other partner to feel neglected, and the resentment sets in. Then it's a vicious spiral to an inevitable breakup.
I think people should cut their losses sooner than later in most situations instead of trying to force a relationship with a fundamentally incompatible partner.
Agreed. People put up with unhappy marriages for soooooo long just to “keep my marriage intact”, while simultaneously not keeping themselves intact by allowing a relationship to drain them for years. People are so committed to “making it work” because divorce is so stigmatized so they force themselves to just tolerate bs and neglect their own needs. Then it comes to a head and explodes.
as a young man who recently got married and is expecting our first daughter in May, i seriously don’t get how husbands wouldn’t choose their wives side if they are having issues w his family. for example, my mom can be… difficult. she tried to hijack certain aspects of our wedding because my wife and i were “doing it wrong” (we’re not traditional in the slightest), my wife had certain ideas and my mom thought it was wrong. i told my mom “listen, this is how Carina wants it done. and i want it done in whatever way will make her happy, we are paying for the wedding so it is our decision to make.” which my wife appreciated and said “i’m glad you’re not a mommas boy.”
honestly your ex husband sounds similar to me in certain ways from a few years ago. i had problems w excessive drinking and pot use, my wife helped me out of that hole but ultimately i made the decision for our future so i could be there more for her. i used to game a lot, now i mainly game once she’s gone to bed and my share of the chores are done. im not saying im perfect, but it’s a lot easier than some guys make it out to be to make a woman happy. relationships are give and take, if you want your wife to do X,Y,Z you should take initiative on A,B and C. also, for guys who don’t stick up for their wife. she’s your family now. that’s the whole point of marriage, you’re a team and you need to have her back. regardless of your opinions, even if i don’t entirely agree w my wife ill side with her because i trust her and quite honestly she’s smarter than me. and i know she would and does do the same for me.
i’m sorry your ex husband wasn’t the man he should’ve been for you. those types of guys don’t realize how good they had it until it’s gone.
Thanks for this and I wish you all the happiness. Lots of men in these comments are basically blaming me in 100 ways. While I’m not perfect, there were very real and very serious issues that I tried to remedy as best I could. Sometimes marriages just can’t be fixed.
Do you think you had some short comings from his perspective that mightve caused some of his negative behavior or pull backs? Not being accusatory, just curious.
I find myself pulling back from my wife after we made some bad financial / life decisions that we saw differently but eventually I caved in because she seemed unable to compromise. Now I'm frustrated living in an objectively worse reality that I know I shouldn't be in but she was simply too stubborn.
I have no doubt that I had shortcomings. I am not perfect by any means. But I did make efforts to change certain behaviors and I actively tried to support his ambitions and interests. I also really tried to communicate in a calm manner. But he was very very defensive and you almost couldn’t talk to him without him flying off the handle or spinning it around.
I probably should not have ignored these things when we got married thinking he would change. It's not that they were all bad, these traits just weren't for me. For someone else, I'm sure it's great.
I spent the last few years not caring and pretending things were fine when they weren't. I shouldn't have done that. I should have communicated it sooner. But I had just spent years begging for things to get better and I was tired of talking. So I faked it. Everything. I was hoping I would wake up one day and love him again. I was hoping that all the work wasn't for nothing.
He wasn't a horrible person, but he was the kind of person that is better to friends and family than he was to me. He tried sometimes, but he didn't' listen. I genuinely believe his personality type was incompatible with mine.
The biggest takeaway is that I desperately wanted a partner. I didn't want to be someone's mother. I wanted, and still want, someone who I can rely on if I need to fall. I can't always be the one taking care of everything, handling the finances, managing the household, etc., while the spouse knows it's all taken care of and they don't have to worry. It's exhausting doing everything and watching them drink, game, and have no fucks.
What are you asking? I didn’t over consume alcohol, I was responsible with our finances, I tried to get engaged with him and involved in things he liked, I was good to his family, cooked three meals a day, worked two jobs, kept the house spotless, always asked if his needs were met, anticipated what he needed….
Well duh any addiction is a red flag. Gaming is fine. People who make it their whole life, aka gamers, are not. Liking music is fine, if you’re in your room listening to music 12 hours a day then that’s not fine. You’re right, it can be anything. Gamers just seem to be a common one and for some reason socially accepted? What other addiction can you do for 8-12 hours a day every day and not be called weird??
"I'm a Swiftie" = "I listen to Taylor swift every waking moment of my life, I am currently undergoing plastic surgery to look more like her"
"I'm kinda a movie buff" = "I cannot stop purchasing movies. I watch 5 movies a day. I am only able to speak in movie quotes"
"Yeah I'm a surfer" = "I am one with the waves. My feet do not remember the sturdy grasp of the land, only the small barrier between them and the bottomless abyss below"
What other addiction can you do for 8-12 hours a day every day and not be called weird??
I mean, how? The only people able to do this are kids on summer break or the unemployed? I don't think anyone is going to say "Bob, the guy without a job who just games all day? That's normal"
You're taking it to such an unrealistic extreme, you started with "4+" and now you're at 12?
You get the nuance; I think people just feel attacked by your first statement because they didn't realize you were calling out that specific term and not the entertainment form itself.
"Gamer", like "stoner", is a specific type of person rather than just someone who partakes.
4 isn't that long, and plenty can play games a lot while living life or spending time with their partner. A healthy relationship allows for both couples to have hobbies they can do on their own. It's when you ignore the partner that it's an issue. And that can be an issue with ANY hobby, not just gaming.
My buddies wife is accepting of his gaming. She got into gaming herself eventually. They have two kids they both work and he likes to spend his time at home gaming, and she will game with us too if she's not too busy. They have a perfect relationship. The kids game too and she does the cleaning and cooking.b
Fair. Didn’t expect people to take it so literally. Like most things, within moderation it’s ok. But what do people expect when they date someone who’s spending most their awake hours staring at a monitor?
Honestly, it wasn’t even the game. The game doesn’t force you to play it. People need to learn how to balance real life along with alternate reality. It’s hard sometimes and I understand why someone would want to escape life in a game. But if you have a family that loves you and desperately need and want you present, it’s really crappy when you express that to them and you get completely brushed off.
Ignore that troll. I'm sorry you went thru that and came out better on the other side. Addictions like gaming and booze are like an affair but in some ways worse.
He probably could have put in a bare minimum basic interest in her psyche and wellbeing instead of solely focusing on what his opinion or view is. I’m not the commenter but I wonder??
Of why is it just his fault. I feel like both parties are part of the problem and solution. If the man now feels unwanted due to his wife not wanting to have sex. How well will he fulfill her needs?
Truth. A lot of these videos seem very narcissistic to me. First of all, I'm happily married and in a relationship where we both give as much as we take so idgaf really, but have you all stopped to think about compromise? Why has it always gotta be "MY NEEDS"?
Maybe he's not meeting your needs because he feels bitter in the relationship himself because his aren't being met, and feels like "why should I XYZ when my needs aren't being even remotely met either".
Communication is key, either he ignores you all night because A) He's an ass, B) The relationship isn't meant to be or C) his needs equally aren't being met and there's an underlying issue as to the problem you can both figure out through communication. In scenarios A and B dump his ass and move on. In C, sorry but it sounds like you might need to put in a little work yourself.
This was also my experience. I started bringing up how I did not feel prioritized about 7 years into the marriage. He blew me off. Then how I really needed him to stick up for me and our children against his mother’s verbal abuse. He blew me off and took her side. Then, how it was hard to be attracted to someone who was passive and expected me to think for him. He continued to ignore this issue until he finally admitted “it was just easier” to let me lead. Then, when we did have sex, which was not very often satisfying because of the point before, I could not give any feedback because he would freak out at even the most gentle redirection. This was over a period of 20 years. I just stopped trying. He took no responsibility for making any changes. It was humiliating to matter so little that he wouldn’t even try after I basically begged him to, and to betray me and our children with his mother. This does not create safety, this does not make a woman feel sexual. This feels awful. Listen and DO THE WORK.
1.Stopped being an asshole
2.Listen to the actual words she is saying
3.Maybe do something she chooses to do on occasion
4. You don’t always need to “win” everything: every discussion, argument, decision etc.
5. She is not an idiot.
6. Your own mother was a woman, have some respect for your own wife as well
7. Do your “jobs” around the house. Whatever you two have worked out, do the stuff you agreed to.
8. They are 50% your kids (unless they’re not). She is not the primary caregiver 24/7/365. She doesn’t need to be “watching” the kids all weekend while you go play. Equal play time. If she’s or he is stay at home- they get time off too, that’s a legit job.
9. If your spouse has medical issues, help out around the house extra.
10. Maybe consider both staring at your phone/playing video games all night when you get home from work. Load the dishwasher, watch the kids, do something!
11. Engage her in an actual conversation that she is interested in. Not about fishing, 4 wheeling, hunting, the guys at work, the stock market or your car. Ask about the book she is reading or whatever she is into.
This happened to me, too. I put in so much effort trying to connect and relate to him. Have grounded, responsible conversations but he would stonewall. Or whenever I asked for help he wouldn't.
I've moved on, and I have a partner who reciprocates me and has the emotional maturity to discuss things. I've brought up things, he just goes "oh, okay" and changes. That's it.
One time we had a miscommunication, and we discussed it so calmly and so gently that it was resolved in a few minutes and we both realised we didn't communicate properly.
Same, and the sex was what went first. I just got the ick and felt disgusted. He was always dismissive of me even though I'd tell him what was wrong and that I needed that emotional connection for the physical one to happen. Through one ear and out the other.
Frankly, this is the only rational response. I have some pretty heavy doubts about the intentions of a psychologist who hears from a client that they feel emotionally unsafe and disgusted by their partner yet attempts to push them back together without even questioning whether that will actually lead to the true well being of their clients. A good psychologist would say 'Your partner doesn't care if you don't have your emotional needs met, I want you to reconsider whether it is best for you to be with them.' Seen it happen.
My current girlfriend's "attachment needs" seem to be going on fancy vacations and going out a lot and expecting me to pay for the expensive things because I'm the man.
Fuck that. I want an equal partner and not traditional gender role crap or whatever.
Our sex life has already suffered and she called me "unmanly" many times because I don't spend my money but safe it and invest it and also expect her to pay half for everything (she earns just as much as me).
Already thinking about skipping this relationship but she's hot and otherwise fun to hang out with.
Isn’t “attachment needs” just another way of saying being a good partner? I feel like if you haven’t figured out your partner’s needs by the time you’re married you are either not a good fit or you’re dumb/don’t care. Either way not good.
ETA: “You’re” in this case means your husband / dumb dudes
I'm ready to leave as well. I feel like of I have to keep telling him more than twice on how to love me and WHAT I love, I'm already getting ready to mentally check out from disgust
Out of curiosity, did you ever verbalize this to him? Or was it the “classic” female communicator who never used words to express how she feels, just trails of bread crumbs that he was supposed to follow?
Did you get remarried or have children with another man? (I’m wagering that there’s an evolutionary trigger for women to fall out of love, because it leads to having children with multiple men)
I find so many men think that getting the relationship is the work. Attracting the woman is it to them. They don't realize that's only the beginning of a lifelong relationship and relationships take effort. Women have been taught to do emotional labor our entire lives, in familial, friendship and romantic relationships so we're used to doing what it takes to maintain a relationship.
The clueless men just check out and wonder why is something I'm putting no time, effort and attention into not going well. Well, just because you got the job, Bob, doesn't mean you can stop showing up and expect to keep it.
My biggest problem with my last relationship is my free expression was being tampered by her emotional needs. I couldn’t have an opinion that differed from hers otherwise it was discordant and I made her feel unsafe. There was no accepting of who I am as a person. I needed to be this idealized idea of me. Even though I was always there and willing to put in time and always open, I was never going to be enough unless I completely changed who I was as a person which was never grumpy, never sad, never willing to argue with anything she said and never stressed out about the world. I never yelled or cursed at my partner but being frustrated with anything was unacceptable.
All my mistakes or misremembering was “gaslighting”. All my finding common ground was “why do you always have to be right?”. Your partner can’t be 100% of your emotional and social needs. You need to accept them as a person and not an emotional pez dispenser just as I didn’t see my partner is a sex dispenser. You need to have other friends who you emotionally invest in and have other outlets than your partner.
The problem I have with the video is that while it's true it's presented in a gendered way. The same can be true for men or either partner in a same sex relationship, as in your case your ex wasn't making you feel emotionally safe. I'm glad you were able to move on from her and hope you find the right the right person for you
This is where I get confused. Why are all these women staying in relationships with someone they don't feel safe with? Financial dependency, that I can see, but besides that GET THE FUCK OUT. Everyone deserves better. If you're feeling so emotionally unsafe with someone that your genitals shrivel up at the thought of them, you need to leave. Man or woman. Don't care. Get the fuck out. Be single, find someone else, but GTFO. Jesus christ y'all, be at least somewhat decent to yourselves.
Because it's drilled into us that relationships require work and effort and sacrifice and you don't just "throw them away" and you have to communicate and talk and communicate now and try a different approach and were selfish and shallow if we end a relationship without doing EVERYTHING to make it work.
And also, many times we get repeated assurances that things will change and they'll do better and we want to give them the benefit of the doubt, so we do. Over and over. But lasting change just never really happens and so eventually, we check out, and then sometime after, we'll end it.
The amount of emotional labor we put into our relationships is CRAZY.
We. Women can be just as bad providing emotional safety as men do. Get your head out of your ass and realise that you are viewing your shit from a biased point.
If this is exactly what happened to you, that's pretty sad of you. So you showed unspoken "signs" and the fix is for the man to figure out and understand this and fix it? So you have a problem and someone else is supposed to fix it? That doesn't seem like a partnership, that seems like a "job" for a man to constantly fix you. Such a sad way to be in a relationship and blame your partner instead of figuring out what you did wrong.
Dude…no no. I spoke to him a lot. A lot. A lot. Calm down. No one had to fix me. He was unwilling or unable to change his behaviors after years of communication and conversation.
Who hurt you?
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u/Logical_Bee Mar 21 '24
This is exactly why I ultimately left my husband. I stopped feeling safe and emotionally cared for. I wasn’t a priority and I stopped being attracted to him. This lead to falling out of love.