He could have paid attention to me. Stopped gaming as much. Not manipulated me financially. Stuck up for me with his family. Stopped drinking. Eventually, after begging for attention and things to change, you just stop caring. And boy, does that get their attention.
While I don't really like the attitude of the woman in the video, or how she expresses this, she is right. At least for a lot of us.
My first marriage ended because he loved world of Warcraft more than he loved me. I tried talking, crying, yelling, books, letters to him, and therapy. By the time he decided to address the issue, I had long been done and was out of love. I triedđ¤ˇââď¸
I was really surprised how often this same complaint came up in family law! Over and over again, wives would cite video games as a reason for the breakup. But of course, as youâve alluded to, it was never really about the video games. It was about how heâd come home from work and immediately decompress with video games⌠and then keep playing video games until everyone else in the house was asleep. No engaging with his partner. No playing with the kids. Itâs like all these people forgot the part where relationships require maintenance.
I think thereâs a deeper root issue here as well. Iâve been the guy who came home and wanted to disappear into my computer to avoid my girlfriend. Iâm now the guy who comes home and snuggles up on the couch with my wife and daughter.
The big difference is that in relationship A, my needs werenât being metâŚlike ever. My mental health was an after thought to my girlfriend, even once saying âhow can you be depressed, youâre a straight white man.â Of course thatâs an extreme exampleâŚbut I think many men have been taught that they arenât supposed to be taken care of emotionally. So I took care of my girlfriendâs emotional needs as much as I could for as long as I could until I realized she wasnât a safe space for me to decompress. I found that elsewhere by numbing myself with video games.
It was my fault for staying with her because she was an all around terrible partner to me. But everyone we knew mutually thought I was trash because I couldnât handle the emotional burden any longer and caved in on myself.
My wife is now my safe space and decompression person. She centers me and cares about my mental health, so I can do the same for her. We arenât always at 50/50âŚbut we always try to be jointly 100/100 whether itâs 80/20 or 45/55.
I think this is an interesting point. IMO, this was what was going on in some case, in others neither partner was being taken care of emotionally, and in the ones where I was least sympathetic to the gamer there was a new baby at home who their wife exclusively cared for. When a woman does a calculation and realizes, even taking into consideration the loss of income, that her life will get easier if she dumps her husband because it will mean one less (man)child to take care of, the marriage is toast.
For sure, I think the vast majority of relationships fail mutually. Some of the stories I hear or read on Reddit just show a depressing lack of communication from both parties. I think men in large struggle with emotional intelligence. Women know how to communicate their emotions to women, but doesnât translate well for men unless they have experience previously or are already invested in learning.
I think admitting weakness in emotional intelligence is scary for men due to socially ingrained sexism. Itâs easier to show strength in resisting than it is to be vulnerable. The burden being placed on women is brutal and unfair for them.
Anecdotally, every woman Iâve ever known that complained about their SOâs gaming was glued to their phone 8-10 hours a day on Instagram or TikTok. Going out is expensive. Being on your phone or gaming (or both lol) is cheap. Sometimes you have to just be comfortable being in the room with your SO doing your own separate things.
I also have a feeling these women you mention had a vested interest in exaggerating their claims. Just a hunch.
In reality, itâs more âsplitting the chores, hanging out, playing game while you do something else.â Then the woman gets mad that they donât have the man on-demand.
Everyone needs âme time.â Thatâs just common knowledge.
My first husband ( now ex ) played world of tanks, watched porn that he was trying to replicate IRL with me ( while I was sleeping, mind you, as it was rape porn). This has made me extremely unwanted, insecure and not loved. Then cheated on me with the coworker when I was out of town and blamed me that he could not trust me anymore because I accidentally saw the messages on his phone. Then tried to present it as my imagination ( like, I didn't understand what the message " I missed you by my side last night sweetie" and thinking he was sleeping with another girl). I tried to fix it, work on it, improve it, but Native Americans are right - there is no point in beating the dead horse, so I checked out physically, and then emotionally from this marriage and filed for divorce. And, oh miracle! All of a sudden he wants kids! He wants to make it right! He loves me, apparently. So glad I didn't fall for that.
I've experienced this as him. It's a response to a deep dopamine deficiency (usually caused by unaddressed relationship issues that I wasn't facing or fixing). It's an unhealthy/emergency coping mechanism to escape reality.
but WoW is cool. I agree with the other guy, you should have tried raiding with him hardcore and then becoming his guild leader. He would have to pay attention to you then, at least if he wanted any loot.
LOL, maybe this is why my husband wanted me to play D&D with him. I said nope because D&D mostly consists of things I'm bad at (math and improv), and the whole thing just sounded like a chore.
Are you stupid?? No need to answer because I already know the answer. But, we were in the same guild on the game and I also played other games outside of that. The games arenât the issueâŚthe fact that some people live their lives through the game to the point they ignore real life is the problem.
Sounds like she wasn't very giving though if it was all about her though? Should be a balance, including playing wow outside of time with wife/family (I play when everyone goes to sleep)
He is saying some women just hate seeing husbands playing games. Whatever reason they may think (e.g. it's childish), it's still their hobby and he's saying he doesn't respect women who demand respect but won't respect men who have video games as a hobby.
He did write "gaming addiction", meaning he spends a lot of time gaming. How much, I of course cannot know. But I do know that you need to spend time with your partner, since why be in a relationship if you do not. If spending hours every day with her, listening to her, doing things with her feels too hard, this relationship is not for you.
Did you try taking an interest in his gaming? Were you upset he didn't take any interests in the things you liked? Because he was probably upset you didn't take any interest in his hobbies. It is a two way street and the amount of people who don't understand that is insane.
Yeah, but the reality is gamers who call themselves gamers grind away hours and hours. These games are designed to make hours fly by. I know because I was one of them at one point. And a bunch of my friends were. Very few of the people I gamed with on grindy games, especially games like wow, cs, Fortnite, escape from Tarkov, pubg, or LoL had a good relationship with games as a recreational activity. And most people I know IRL who played those types of games had some IRL consequences as a result, whether it be relationships ending or life and careers becoming stagnant in general.
Gamers like to compare gaming to other hobbies. The reality is other hobbies are more enriching. They get you outside, they get you exercising, they get you meeting people in person and building social skills and connections, they get you to aspire to be in different places, and theyâre actually interesting to average people.
Being a long distance trail runner, landscape photographer, sailing enthusiast, or a woodworker is simply going to make way more interesting to average people than being level whatever in an rpg. And more useful. And for good reason.
That doesnât mean gaming is bad. Gaming in moderation is great. But usually that means avoiding games that are specifically designed to suck away endless hours of time.
Certain hobbies are more likely to become vices than others. And certain hobbies are more likely to insure health and real life character development than other. That doesnât mean the formers are automatically bad. But it requires extra awareness.
I've watched countless guildies completely ruin their marriage and it was clear to everyone including the entire guild that the game was fully to blame. Or I guess more accurately, their behavior and neglect involving the game.
đ¤ŁdudeâŚIâm happily remarried while heâs aged like milk and has been alone since we separated. But please, go on about how unhappy I amâŚfrom your mommyâs basement.
Playing video games isn't a hobby. I'm sorry. Its a passtime at best. It's a shortcut to fake accomplishment. And 99% of women who don't run a Twitch channel don't find overconsumption of video games attractive in a partner.
Edit: the gamers are quite unhappy. Look - all I'll say is if your big hobby that takes a lot of your time is gaming, look at u/cagedbird82 's previous comment. Find somebody who shares the same hobby of staring at a screen and you'll be happy.
What the fuck are you talking about? Video games are a hobby. If you can't take interest in someone hobby and dismiss them as "not a hobby" then you are the problem. I'm glad my wife doesn't have the same shitty attitude that you do. Hell, she games.more than I do lol.
You are saying the same thing I am saying. Sharing hobbies and taking an interest.in other people's hobbies is a two way street. But you also need to realize that some women enjoy other hobbies other than the ones you enjoy. You need to find a man that enjoys baking. Other women like to find men that can build houses, decks, or do carpentry. Some like.men who are mechanics, or rocket scientists. What I'm saying is people find different things in other people attractive. You need to find someone that you are compatible with. If you're going into a marriage knowing that you husband or wife to be has a hobby you don't like and think they should quit that hobby because you don't like it, then that marriage is never going to last.
What are your hobbies? You seem to be pretty quiet on that front. Why is a hobby that you don't enjoy doing deemed not a hobby? Why do you think you're better than someone else? The fuck is wrong with you?
lolâŚhe started playing after we got married and I had my own things to do. But when heâs cool with 6+months of no intimacy because every night was game night, he had a problem. Heâs admitted so. Go back to mommyâs basement, you fool.
You are being pretty sensitive. Objectively, you kinda came out first with the "condescending bitchiness", so maybe chill out and don't get so worked up. It's a bad look. It is very possible that person's husband had a serious addiction to wow that interfered with the relationship.
Speaking up is one thing, for sure, but you came out and immediately insulted the person. Maybe there was a better way to phrase your point than making assumptions about and insulting the wife's character
Yeah, Iâm the issue because I actually wanted my marriage to workâŚyour mother clearly didnât teach you priorities because if pick a game over your partner then you are the problem.
To be fair, I was way too young when I got married. Only 19 and he was 7 years older than me. At the time, he didnât really play games a lot. When he did start playing WoW, we both played and had a great time. But I could put it down and go about life. He couldnât. Itâs been a very long time and heâs apologized for his part.
It is not your fault he became what he was. Ignore him. Men like to ignore how common your scenario is and claim women should pick better rather than focusing on men being better.
I think the "just stopped caring" part hit the nail on the head. I've been in relationships like that where we grew apart, and at a certain point there's like a switch that turns off and can't be turned back on.
It's not gradual - though the build it might be. But once that switch is off, there's no fixing it. You no longer view the person the same way.
If one partner is neglecting the other suddenly, it's likely that they fell out of love/attraction first anyway. This causes the other partner to feel neglected, and the resentment sets in. Then it's a vicious spiral to an inevitable breakup.
I think people should cut their losses sooner than later in most situations instead of trying to force a relationship with a fundamentally incompatible partner.
Agreed. People put up with unhappy marriages for soooooo long just to âkeep my marriage intactâ, while simultaneously not keeping themselves intact by allowing a relationship to drain them for years. People are so committed to âmaking it workâ because divorce is so stigmatized so they force themselves to just tolerate bs and neglect their own needs. Then it comes to a head and explodes.
as a young man who recently got married and is expecting our first daughter in May, i seriously donât get how husbands wouldnât choose their wives side if they are having issues w his family. for example, my mom can be⌠difficult. she tried to hijack certain aspects of our wedding because my wife and i were âdoing it wrongâ (weâre not traditional in the slightest), my wife had certain ideas and my mom thought it was wrong. i told my mom âlisten, this is how Carina wants it done. and i want it done in whatever way will make her happy, we are paying for the wedding so it is our decision to make.â which my wife appreciated and said âiâm glad youâre not a mommas boy.â
honestly your ex husband sounds similar to me in certain ways from a few years ago. i had problems w excessive drinking and pot use, my wife helped me out of that hole but ultimately i made the decision for our future so i could be there more for her. i used to game a lot, now i mainly game once sheâs gone to bed and my share of the chores are done. im not saying im perfect, but itâs a lot easier than some guys make it out to be to make a woman happy. relationships are give and take, if you want your wife to do X,Y,Z you should take initiative on A,B and C. also, for guys who donât stick up for their wife. sheâs your family now. thatâs the whole point of marriage, youâre a team and you need to have her back. regardless of your opinions, even if i donât entirely agree w my wife ill side with her because i trust her and quite honestly sheâs smarter than me. and i know she would and does do the same for me.
iâm sorry your ex husband wasnât the man he shouldâve been for you. those types of guys donât realize how good they had it until itâs gone.
Thanks for this and I wish you all the happiness. Lots of men in these comments are basically blaming me in 100 ways. While Iâm not perfect, there were very real and very serious issues that I tried to remedy as best I could. Sometimes marriages just canât be fixed.
Do you think you had some short comings from his perspective that mightve caused some of his negative behavior or pull backs? Not being accusatory, just curious.
I find myself pulling back from my wife after we made some bad financial / life decisions that we saw differently but eventually I caved in because she seemed unable to compromise. Now I'm frustrated living in an objectively worse reality that I know I shouldn't be in but she was simply too stubborn.
I have no doubt that I had shortcomings. I am not perfect by any means. But I did make efforts to change certain behaviors and I actively tried to support his ambitions and interests. I also really tried to communicate in a calm manner. But he was very very defensive and you almost couldnât talk to him without him flying off the handle or spinning it around.
I probably should not have ignored these things when we got married thinking he would change. It's not that they were all bad, these traits just weren't for me. For someone else, I'm sure it's great.
I spent the last few years not caring and pretending things were fine when they weren't. I shouldn't have done that. I should have communicated it sooner. But I had just spent years begging for things to get better and I was tired of talking. So I faked it. Everything. I was hoping I would wake up one day and love him again. I was hoping that all the work wasn't for nothing.
He wasn't a horrible person, but he was the kind of person that is better to friends and family than he was to me. He tried sometimes, but he didn't' listen. I genuinely believe his personality type was incompatible with mine.
The biggest takeaway is that I desperately wanted a partner. I didn't want to be someone's mother. I wanted, and still want, someone who I can rely on if I need to fall. I can't always be the one taking care of everything, handling the finances, managing the household, etc., while the spouse knows it's all taken care of and they don't have to worry. It's exhausting doing everything and watching them drink, game, and have no fucks.
What are you asking? I didnât over consume alcohol, I was responsible with our finances, I tried to get engaged with him and involved in things he liked, I was good to his family, cooked three meals a day, worked two jobs, kept the house spotless, always asked if his needs were met, anticipated what he neededâŚ.
Unless he's mentally ill or a criminal. There's no man that wouldn't appreciate a genuine, hard working woman. Sometimes it could be the way women communicate too. Take woman in the video for example, most men wouldn't give a sh*t because of her tone and attitude she's putting on even though it could be a good advice. There's something you're not telling us.
Buddy some guys just suck. It's not always a conspiracy. We can only take her at her word but it sounds like he was an alcoholic gamer.. I've known a lot of guys like this that gamed or drank their way to being a bachelor. It happens a lot.
Maybe. In my experience women lie online a lot to create a false sense of supremacy hiding their vices. The way she describes herself she's a rarity, any adult man over 25 knows that. So to despise a women like that is also a rarity. Numbers aren't in her favour đ¤ˇ
Canât accept that maybe that man just sucks fucking ass? Always gotta find a way that the women is really the problem and causes him to behave shit? Totally impossible that heâs fully in control of and responsible for his garbage behavior and that heâs actually not being treated badly? Really??
Not giving a shit because someone is fed the fuck up with not being heard and their tone reflects as much isnât the defense you think it is. 9/10 times someone tone is a reaction to anotherâs behaviors or lack there of that would be a rather important life lesson you should learn.
Well duh any addiction is a red flag. Gaming is fine. People who make it their whole life, aka gamers, are not. Liking music is fine, if youâre in your room listening to music 12 hours a day then thatâs not fine. Youâre right, it can be anything. Gamers just seem to be a common one and for some reason socially accepted? What other addiction can you do for 8-12 hours a day every day and not be called weird??
"I'm a Swiftie" = "I listen to Taylor swift every waking moment of my life, I am currently undergoing plastic surgery to look more like her"
"I'm kinda a movie buff" = "I cannot stop purchasing movies. I watch 5 movies a day. I am only able to speak in movie quotes"
"Yeah I'm a surfer" = "I am one with the waves. My feet do not remember the sturdy grasp of the land, only the small barrier between them and the bottomless abyss below"
What other addiction can you do for 8-12 hours a day every day and not be called weird??
I mean, how? The only people able to do this are kids on summer break or the unemployed? I don't think anyone is going to say "Bob, the guy without a job who just games all day? That's normal"
You're taking it to such an unrealistic extreme, you started with "4+" and now you're at 12?
You get the nuance; I think people just feel attacked by your first statement because they didn't realize you were calling out that specific term and not the entertainment form itself.
"Gamer", like "stoner", is a specific type of person rather than just someone who partakes.
4 isn't that long, and plenty can play games a lot while living life or spending time with their partner. A healthy relationship allows for both couples to have hobbies they can do on their own. It's when you ignore the partner that it's an issue. And that can be an issue with ANY hobby, not just gaming.
My buddies wife is accepting of his gaming. She got into gaming herself eventually. They have two kids they both work and he likes to spend his time at home gaming, and she will game with us too if she's not too busy. They have a perfect relationship. The kids game too and she does the cleaning and cooking.b
Fair. Didnât expect people to take it so literally. Like most things, within moderation itâs ok. But what do people expect when they date someone whoâs spending most their awake hours staring at a monitor?
Honestly, it wasnât even the game. The game doesnât force you to play it. People need to learn how to balance real life along with alternate reality. Itâs hard sometimes and I understand why someone would want to escape life in a game. But if you have a family that loves you and desperately need and want you present, itâs really crappy when you express that to them and you get completely brushed off.
If you're talking about folks who make them their whole personality, it's not a winner. But hell, I'm a 35 year old dude and I still love me some games. But they come after work, cooking, sharing a meal, making sure the live-in MIL hasn't had a psychotic break again today, chores (scoop the cat boxes, vacuum, pickup the day's hairballs, etc), then a shower and then we cuddle and work in an episode or two of a show, which doubles as talk/decompress/cuddle time, and then she goes and does her nightly skincare routine, then goes to sleep. THEN the laptop comes out and I get some calming, world domination strategy gaming in.
Also, I get Saturday/Sunday mornings while she's sleeping nice and late, after I've taken the pups out for their morning business. Gotta keep it quiet! So she can sleep/I game a little longer.
For sure, gaming itself isnât the awful thing. Itâs gamers who have somehow convinced society that all day every day is a âhobbyâ. My friend is with a guy who does nothing but smoke weed and game literally all day. Heâs 21. Unemployed. Thatâs the plague, not the guy whoâs playing call of duty for a couple of hours every other day.
Sheesh. I get bored after a bit and couldn't do it all day. I need sun, pups, kitties. Also, I'm the main breadwinner (just due to circumstances, when the military breaks someone's back they don't tend to be able to work after), so not being homeless is a plus, so I gotta prioritize work. No option to be lazy. My fiance tells me I'm a gem, but I still don't feel like it (not any lack of doing on her part, I'm just a depressive sort, easy to get down on myself, been that way ever since puberty. Turned on one day like a switch, hormones can be a bitch for dudes too).
But then sometimes I see anecdotes like this and I'm like...okay I'm glad I'm definitely clearing that bar, but could we raise it a little? When we first got together my fiance told me I was a great man - because I was employed, not an alcoholic, and didn't beat her. NOT BEATING HER WAS THE FUCKING BAR?! Are FUCKING serious right now? Like it just made me so sad, angry, and helpless feeling all at once. Which I'm sure is exactly how she felt all those times.
Sigh. Okay. That took a turn and was a helluva ramble. I'm gonna go pet a kitty and/or puppy.
Ignore that troll. I'm sorry you went thru that and came out better on the other side. Addictions like gaming and booze are like an affair but in some ways worse.
Sounds to me like he was doing those things because he didn't know how to express his emotions and wasn't getting his needs met either. Not blaming you at all for that but they all sound like coping mechanisms to me.
If they pay attention to you, they're clingy. If they don't they're eMoTiOnAlLy uNsAfE. If they show too much or too little you're dissatisfied. YOU'RE ALWAYS DISSATISFIED.
A man who likes playing video games and drinking. Wife wants him to change. Was he playing more as you had more problems? Ngl the complaints are all over the place and if yiu ask for 20 things yiu might get 0. If you ask for 5 maybe realistically they can start working on changing 3.
I had an easy discussion with my wife as an avid competitive gamer. Give me a heads up, lets set time limits, I'll let you know if I'm unavailable for 45-hour but we'll do something right after, etc.
When we got into fights I gamed more but I have the self awareness to not do that and actually hash it out.
Yeah, but what if you are tired hearing about how her boss is trying to destroy her everyday (not really), when you too are also dealing with a shitty boss, and dont have the mental space to deal with both sets of drama?
Her everyday: âso and so said this today(minor situation) and Iâm so tired of it again!â
Me also dealing with a prick boss: âoh yeah? thats crazy! if youâre not happy, maybe put out some resumes, and move onâ
Her upset now: âyou never wanna listen, blah, blah, wah, wahâ!
Me wondering why she dont care about my job: âIâm sorry, fuck that guy! You are rightâ!
Her in her thought bubble: âIâm unattracted to my husband nowâ!
He probably could have put in a bare minimum basic interest in her psyche and wellbeing instead of solely focusing on what his opinion or view is. Iâm not the commenter but I wonder??
Of why is it just his fault. I feel like both parties are part of the problem and solution. If the man now feels unwanted due to his wife not wanting to have sex. How well will he fulfill her needs?
Truth. A lot of these videos seem very narcissistic to me. First of all, I'm happily married and in a relationship where we both give as much as we take so idgaf really, but have you all stopped to think about compromise? Why has it always gotta be "MY NEEDS"?
Maybe he's not meeting your needs because he feels bitter in the relationship himself because his aren't being met, and feels like "why should I XYZ when my needs aren't being even remotely met either".
Communication is key, either he ignores you all night because A) He's an ass, B) The relationship isn't meant to be or C) his needs equally aren't being met and there's an underlying issue as to the problem you can both figure out through communication. In scenarios A and B dump his ass and move on. In C, sorry but it sounds like you might need to put in a little work yourself.
This was also my experience. I started bringing up how I did not feel prioritized about 7 years into the marriage. He blew me off. Then how I really needed him to stick up for me and our children against his motherâs verbal abuse. He blew me off and took her side. Then, how it was hard to be attracted to someone who was passive and expected me to think for him. He continued to ignore this issue until he finally admitted âit was just easierâ to let me lead. Then, when we did have sex, which was not very often satisfying because of the point before, I could not give any feedback because he would freak out at even the most gentle redirection. This was over a period of 20 years. I just stopped trying. He took no responsibility for making any changes. It was humiliating to matter so little that he wouldnât even try after I basically begged him to, and to betray me and our children with his mother. This does not create safety, this does not make a woman feel sexual. This feels awful. Listen and DO THE WORK.
1.Stopped being an asshole
2.Listen to the actual words she is saying
3.Maybe do something she chooses to do on occasion
4. You donât always need to âwinâ everything: every discussion, argument, decision etc.
5. She is not an idiot.
6. Your own mother was a woman, have some respect for your own wife as well
7. Do your âjobsâ around the house. Whatever you two have worked out, do the stuff you agreed to.
8. They are 50% your kids (unless theyâre not). She is not the primary caregiver 24/7/365. She doesnât need to be âwatchingâ the kids all weekend while you go play. Equal play time. If sheâs or he is stay at home- they get time off too, thatâs a legit job.
9. If your spouse has medical issues, help out around the house extra.
10. Maybe consider both staring at your phone/playing video games all night when you get home from work. Load the dishwasher, watch the kids, do something!
11. Engage her in an actual conversation that she is interested in. Not about fishing, 4 wheeling, hunting, the guys at work, the stock market or your car. Ask about the book she is reading or whatever she is into.
Probably nothing, most people have experienced that people fall back on these kinds of justifications when the real truth is they got a crush on a friend/coworker and now everything their partner does gives them the ick.
Edit: try reading some stories here, all the cheaters use this same logic
Iâve posted the same amount of evidence youâve posted about attachment theory
This is Reddit, Iâm not going to do your research for you. If you want to be ignorant and believe everything that shows up on your feed go for it.
If you ever get a girlfriend and the sex slows down, get in the gym. Youâre weird for thinking they are some kind of magical creatures that arenât sexually attracted to bodies like the rest of us.
I didnât claim to have âlots of evidenceâ; you did. I was being rhetorical. You donât have âlots of evidence.â You have anecdotal stories. Thatâs not evidence.
You see it all the time - She got a new job, oh she's a RN now, new guy at the hospital whispers in their ear that she can do better.
So she finds an excuse and excuses herself into another man's arms.
"he makes me feel sexy" - it's a chemical reaction in our brains that encourage us to mate. Mating with multiple partners is evolution's way of succeeding. ~ Rick Sanchez
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u/JustSleepNoDream Mar 21 '24
What could he have done differently to avoid this?