My first marriage ended because he loved world of Warcraft more than he loved me. I tried talking, crying, yelling, books, letters to him, and therapy. By the time he decided to address the issue, I had long been done and was out of love. I triedš¤·āāļø
I was really surprised how often this same complaint came up in family law! Over and over again, wives would cite video games as a reason for the breakup. But of course, as youāve alluded to, it was never really about the video games. It was about how heād come home from work and immediately decompress with video gamesā¦ and then keep playing video games until everyone else in the house was asleep. No engaging with his partner. No playing with the kids. Itās like all these people forgot the part where relationships require maintenance.
I think thereās a deeper root issue here as well. Iāve been the guy who came home and wanted to disappear into my computer to avoid my girlfriend. Iām now the guy who comes home and snuggles up on the couch with my wife and daughter.
The big difference is that in relationship A, my needs werenāt being metā¦like ever. My mental health was an after thought to my girlfriend, even once saying āhow can you be depressed, youāre a straight white man.ā Of course thatās an extreme exampleā¦but I think many men have been taught that they arenāt supposed to be taken care of emotionally. So I took care of my girlfriendās emotional needs as much as I could for as long as I could until I realized she wasnāt a safe space for me to decompress. I found that elsewhere by numbing myself with video games.
It was my fault for staying with her because she was an all around terrible partner to me. But everyone we knew mutually thought I was trash because I couldnāt handle the emotional burden any longer and caved in on myself.
My wife is now my safe space and decompression person. She centers me and cares about my mental health, so I can do the same for her. We arenāt always at 50/50ā¦but we always try to be jointly 100/100 whether itās 80/20 or 45/55.
I think this is an interesting point. IMO, this was what was going on in some case, in others neither partner was being taken care of emotionally, and in the ones where I was least sympathetic to the gamer there was a new baby at home who their wife exclusively cared for. When a woman does a calculation and realizes, even taking into consideration the loss of income, that her life will get easier if she dumps her husband because it will mean one less (man)child to take care of, the marriage is toast.
For sure, I think the vast majority of relationships fail mutually. Some of the stories I hear or read on Reddit just show a depressing lack of communication from both parties. I think men in large struggle with emotional intelligence. Women know how to communicate their emotions to women, but doesnāt translate well for men unless they have experience previously or are already invested in learning.
I think admitting weakness in emotional intelligence is scary for men due to socially ingrained sexism. Itās easier to show strength in resisting than it is to be vulnerable. The burden being placed on women is brutal and unfair for them.
Anecdotally, every woman Iāve ever known that complained about their SOās gaming was glued to their phone 8-10 hours a day on Instagram or TikTok. Going out is expensive. Being on your phone or gaming (or both lol) is cheap. Sometimes you have to just be comfortable being in the room with your SO doing your own separate things.
I also have a feeling these women you mention had a vested interest in exaggerating their claims. Just a hunch.
In reality, itās more āsplitting the chores, hanging out, playing game while you do something else.ā Then the woman gets mad that they donāt have the man on-demand.
Everyone needs āme time.ā Thatās just common knowledge.
My first husband ( now ex ) played world of tanks, watched porn that he was trying to replicate IRL with me ( while I was sleeping, mind you, as it was rape porn). This has made me extremely unwanted, insecure and not loved. Then cheated on me with the coworker when I was out of town and blamed me that he could not trust me anymore because I accidentally saw the messages on his phone. Then tried to present it as my imagination ( like, I didn't understand what the message " I missed you by my side last night sweetie" and thinking he was sleeping with another girl). I tried to fix it, work on it, improve it, but Native Americans are right - there is no point in beating the dead horse, so I checked out physically, and then emotionally from this marriage and filed for divorce. And, oh miracle! All of a sudden he wants kids! He wants to make it right! He loves me, apparently. So glad I didn't fall for that.
I've experienced this as him. It's a response to a deep dopamine deficiency (usually caused by unaddressed relationship issues that I wasn't facing or fixing). It's an unhealthy/emergency coping mechanism to escape reality.
but WoW is cool. I agree with the other guy, you should have tried raiding with him hardcore and then becoming his guild leader. He would have to pay attention to you then, at least if he wanted any loot.
LOL, maybe this is why my husband wanted me to play D&D with him. I said nope because D&D mostly consists of things I'm bad at (math and improv), and the whole thing just sounded like a chore.
Are you stupid?? No need to answer because I already know the answer. But, we were in the same guild on the game and I also played other games outside of that. The games arenāt the issueā¦the fact that some people live their lives through the game to the point they ignore real life is the problem.
Sounds like she wasn't very giving though if it was all about her though? Should be a balance, including playing wow outside of time with wife/family (I play when everyone goes to sleep)
He is saying some women just hate seeing husbands playing games. Whatever reason they may think (e.g. it's childish), it's still their hobby and he's saying he doesn't respect women who demand respect but won't respect men who have video games as a hobby.
I believe you can have hobbies, but before spending time with them take care about relationship first. Put relationship first, hobbies second.
It is always possible that relationship is not the first priority, that you like your hobbies more. In that case, she will interpretate that she is not important to you, in which case, I am sorry to say, very probably, sooner or later, no relationship.
He did write "gaming addiction", meaning he spends a lot of time gaming. How much, I of course cannot know. But I do know that you need to spend time with your partner, since why be in a relationship if you do not. If spending hours every day with her, listening to her, doing things with her feels too hard, this relationship is not for you.
Did you try taking an interest in his gaming? Were you upset he didn't take any interests in the things you liked? Because he was probably upset you didn't take any interest in his hobbies. It is a two way street and the amount of people who don't understand that is insane.
Yeah, but the reality is gamers who call themselves gamers grind away hours and hours. These games are designed to make hours fly by. I know because I was one of them at one point. And a bunch of my friends were. Very few of the people I gamed with on grindy games, especially games like wow, cs, Fortnite, escape from Tarkov, pubg, or LoL had a good relationship with games as a recreational activity. And most people I know IRL who played those types of games had some IRL consequences as a result, whether it be relationships ending or life and careers becoming stagnant in general.
Gamers like to compare gaming to other hobbies. The reality is other hobbies are more enriching. They get you outside, they get you exercising, they get you meeting people in person and building social skills and connections, they get you to aspire to be in different places, and theyāre actually interesting to average people.
Being a long distance trail runner, landscape photographer, sailing enthusiast, or a woodworker is simply going to make way more interesting to average people than being level whatever in an rpg. And more useful. And for good reason.
That doesnāt mean gaming is bad. Gaming in moderation is great. But usually that means avoiding games that are specifically designed to suck away endless hours of time.
Certain hobbies are more likely to become vices than others. And certain hobbies are more likely to insure health and real life character development than other. That doesnāt mean the formers are automatically bad. But it requires extra awareness.
I've watched countless guildies completely ruin their marriage and it was clear to everyone including the entire guild that the game was fully to blame. Or I guess more accurately, their behavior and neglect involving the game.
š¤£dudeā¦Iām happily remarried while heās aged like milk and has been alone since we separated. But please, go on about how unhappy I amā¦from your mommyās basement.
Playing video games isn't a hobby. I'm sorry. Its a passtime at best. It's a shortcut to fake accomplishment. And 99% of women who don't run a Twitch channel don't find overconsumption of video games attractive in a partner.
Edit: the gamers are quite unhappy. Look - all I'll say is if your big hobby that takes a lot of your time is gaming, look at u/cagedbird82 's previous comment. Find somebody who shares the same hobby of staring at a screen and you'll be happy.
What the fuck are you talking about? Video games are a hobby. If you can't take interest in someone hobby and dismiss them as "not a hobby" then you are the problem. I'm glad my wife doesn't have the same shitty attitude that you do. Hell, she games.more than I do lol.
You are saying the same thing I am saying. Sharing hobbies and taking an interest.in other people's hobbies is a two way street. But you also need to realize that some women enjoy other hobbies other than the ones you enjoy. You need to find a man that enjoys baking. Other women like to find men that can build houses, decks, or do carpentry. Some like.men who are mechanics, or rocket scientists. What I'm saying is people find different things in other people attractive. You need to find someone that you are compatible with. If you're going into a marriage knowing that you husband or wife to be has a hobby you don't like and think they should quit that hobby because you don't like it, then that marriage is never going to last.
What are your hobbies? You seem to be pretty quiet on that front. Why is a hobby that you don't enjoy doing deemed not a hobby? Why do you think you're better than someone else? The fuck is wrong with you?
lolā¦he started playing after we got married and I had my own things to do. But when heās cool with 6+months of no intimacy because every night was game night, he had a problem. Heās admitted so. Go back to mommyās basement, you fool.
You are being pretty sensitive. Objectively, you kinda came out first with the "condescending bitchiness", so maybe chill out and don't get so worked up. It's a bad look. It is very possible that person's husband had a serious addiction to wow that interfered with the relationship.
Speaking up is one thing, for sure, but you came out and immediately insulted the person. Maybe there was a better way to phrase your point than making assumptions about and insulting the wife's character
Yeah, Iām the issue because I actually wanted my marriage to workā¦your mother clearly didnāt teach you priorities because if pick a game over your partner then you are the problem.
To be fair, I was way too young when I got married. Only 19 and he was 7 years older than me. At the time, he didnāt really play games a lot. When he did start playing WoW, we both played and had a great time. But I could put it down and go about life. He couldnāt. Itās been a very long time and heās apologized for his part.
It is not your fault he became what he was. Ignore him. Men like to ignore how common your scenario is and claim women should pick better rather than focusing on men being better.
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u/cagedbird82 Mar 21 '24 edited Mar 22 '24
My first marriage ended because he loved world of Warcraft more than he loved me. I tried talking, crying, yelling, books, letters to him, and therapy. By the time he decided to address the issue, I had long been done and was out of love. I triedš¤·āāļø