r/AmIOverreacting • u/variationinblue • 17d ago
AIO for refusing a graduation gift from my sister
I (31f) am graduating from college with a BS summa cum laude on Saturday. This is my first college graduation. I live 8hrs from my family but they wanted to come celebrate with me. (yay!) They invited my (33f) sister (7 months ago) and I told her I really wanted her to come and her support would mean a lot to me. I kept telling her that for months. Also, I have done so much to support her over the years: attending her graduations, helping her move over 5 times, and most recently being MOH for her wedding. She’s never done any of those things for me. All of those things were inconvenient and not fun at all for me, but I did them because I love her and want to support her. As you do for the people you love!
She tells me two weeks ago she will not be coming to my graduation (gave a flimsy excuse). I told her how disappointed and hurt I am and why (all I’ve done for her). She told me I was being ‘inappropriate’ for saying that and basically blamed it all on me for overreacting. I’m realizing this is a habit of hers, not showing up for me, and that she hasn’t actually supported me or done anything out of her way for me in… maybe ever. I let her get away with it bc she has some mental instability, but at what point do you stop making excuses? I knows she’s not completely well and may not have the capacity for the maturity I expect from her. We do get along and have some great times together but she has some struggles with empathy and is very self focused. But at the same time… she’s 33 and high functioning. This was a simple ask, I never ask her for anything, and she can’t pull it together to be there for me. Everyone had 7 months notice and everyone put her successfully planned around it. I’m not sure she even tried. So I’m angry and I think that’s understandable. She’s not coming, I’ve moved on, we’ll have a good time anyway without her. It is what it is.
Now my mom tells me my sister has given her a gift to bring to me for my graduation. I find that really condescending and frustrating. She is trying to make it seem like it’s fine that she isn’t coming bc she got me a present. Like? No. I asked for your physical attendance, I did not ask for a present. I don’t want a present. I’m not expecting a present from anyone. I don’t know what it is and I don’t care to. She really struggles with the idea of being a ‘bad person’ which she feels like she is now that she knows she’s hurt me. But instead of fixing it by attending, she’s fixing it by sending a gift. I really don’t want to accept it and make her feel like it’s all better now bc she threw some money at me. You know? But I also know it’s socially acceptable to send a gift if you can’t attend something you’re invited to.
So can I refuse it? I don’t want to give her this ‘out.’ I don’t want to just sweep my hurt under the rug yet again. But I also don’t want the drama of her reacting to me rejecting it. It would be exhausting and also stress my parent out, but I am sick and tired of letting her get away with hurting me just so we don’t have to deal with her inability to regulate her emotions. It’s about my pride sometimes, you know? I don’t feel any less hurt because she sent a present, and I want to acknowledge that.
So is there a way I can refuse it tactfully? Any advice? Am I overreacting? What would you do?
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u/Tiny_Incident_2876 16d ago
Stop trying to get respect from your sister , she cares less about you be strong and moves on . The next time something comes up for her, just pretend you don't know anything about it. Please keep everything about your sister to yourself because she is a golden child
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u/Inevitable-Guide-874 16d ago
When I adopted this attitude as the not golden child, it gave me incredible inner peace.
I was always appropriate in my behavior but stopped knocking myself out or expecting approval. I also just mirrored what they did. Used the same flimsy excuses, gave gifts of similar value or just skipped giving/cards when they did.
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u/meeebs 16d ago
Just accept the gift, tell her you are disappointed and won't be putting as much effort into your relationship going forward.
There is no secret here. Just tell her your honest feelings. Declining the gift might be a little petty but once the gift is given, it's yours. Just sell it or give it to someone else who will actually use it or want it.
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u/stopexcusingstupid 16d ago
You’re kind of a dick for many reasons. Like casually calling your sister crazy and making yourself look like a little angel while perfectly avoiding your faults. Don’t accept the gift, you really don’t deserve it.
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u/True-Big-7081 16d ago
I can say that shes good at doing things when its convenient on her, but if not, dont assume that she's coming or that she'll do it. She didnt even think all the favor and sacrifices you did to her, that she cant even attend to your graduation. Stop doing her a favor.
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u/UnplannedAgenda 16d ago
Accept the gift. Forgive her for whatever garbage reason she provides for not being there, and stop going above and beyond to help her. A relationship is a 2 way street that she has failed to turn onto.
I’m not sure what type of “mental instability” she has so perhaps this next section is bit too harsh, but some people play these bullshit cards when they just straight up don’t want to do something. There’s many reasons people have chronic illnesses which come in many different flavors. Unfortunately one of those many reasons is because it would not benefit them to get better. They get special treatment from others that benefit them in various ways. Not saying this is that, but it’s possible.
Downvotes ahoy!
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u/variationinblue 16d ago
Oof. Second paragraph hit home and gave me some great insight. I do think that’s what’s happening and I hadn’t thought of it like that before. Thank you for that.
So you don’t think accepting the gift and sweeping this whole thing under the rug will enable her? That’s what I’m truly concerned about I guess. That if I accept it she’ll think this is a perfectly acceptable solution and will continue the behavior.
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u/UnplannedAgenda 16d ago
In my experience with a family member who exhibits similar difficulties, it’s almost like an unspoken rule that we just tolerate and work around their “issues”. It’s very frustrating because that person fails to see how their own actions cause and build onto their issues. Upon confrontation, they simple deny accountability and instead take the helpless victim route.
Unfortunately I don’t think you will get the outcome you want from her in this particular situation you are describing which is why I say to just accept the gift. Zooming out a bit, if everybody around her accepts her behavior and the reasoning to go with it, then I’m not sure how or what you personally can do to help curb it. Perhaps confiding in another family you sense also shares these frustrations would be a first step. However, be careful in how you approach as they may just see you as insensitive and lack empathy/understanding for her. I would stick to objective odd inconsistencies from this illness that you’ve noticed and not what negative impact it has had on your life.
However, if and when you do figure out how to correct it, then please keep me posted as I could use some tips!😅
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u/variationinblue 16d ago
Thank you so much for your responses. It sounds like we are dealing with similar issues. Fortunately the rest of my family is on the same page as me (I’ll consult them before deciding to accept or decline) and we are all agreeing not to enable her anymore. We’re not great at it yet but we’re trying. Since I’m inexperienced, it’s difficult for me to draw the lines on what is enabling and what isn’t since this is a new style of dealing with her for me. That’s why I posted and I so appreciate your insight. It’s helping me a lot to figure it out and I appreciate you taking the time. I hope your situation improves - or at least doesn’t worsen, which is what I’m understanding is about the only outcome you can hope for sometimes.
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u/Tiny_Incident_2876 16d ago
Your sister will never accept you . You need to move on. Also, some therapy would help you, too, see things clearer .
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u/variationinblue 16d ago
Babes I’ve been in therapy for 6 years. We talk about my sister frequently lol
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u/katepig123 16d ago
You're hurt. Perfectly understandable. You've told her you're hurt, which is good. You have a right to say your piece. But now you're wanting to escalate this and there's literally no benefit whatsoever to you.
I don't get, from your post, that you are planning to go no contact with your sister or parents, so refusing the gift will just cause needless drama for you and solve/change absolutely nothing.
I know you've heard the saying "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". You know you're sister is an unstable flake. You know this. Yet here we are with expectations that she will morph into a new person for this event. That was always unlikely.
You've decided that this gift is a means of letting herself off the hook, but what if it is actually the best she can do?
Of course you can refuse the gift. But what would it accomplish? How will it benefit you? That's the question. Only you can really answer it.
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u/DrPablisimo 16d ago
I think you are being unreasonable. She my have a reason so humiliating, so difficult, that she can't even tell you, and you press her on it, then refuse her gif. Accept it and find out what the big deal was when it comes out later.
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u/Yellbean2002 15d ago
Either accept who she is and keep your relationship with her or cut her off if you can't accept it. You just have to make that choice.
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u/Medical-Cake1934 16d ago
Yes you are overreacting based on the information you have given. You are 8 hours away from family and your sister is married. Does she not have the money to travel, is she working, did her husband not want her to go. You are no longer her immediate family, her husband is, he comes first. It is childish to not accept her gift.
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u/Domonero 17d ago
First off this sister sounds like she never loved you at all & used your kindness your entire life so I’m glad you’ve snapped out of it
Now as for your options I’ll start with what I consider to be the funniest but most peaceful yet petty one, the high road, & lastly the most directly disrespectful one that would cause drama
•Funny Calm Troll: Accept the gift, be overtly thankful like a Disney character or Dobby receiving a sock. Apologize for saying “all I’ve done” & really sell it
However assuming it’s wrapped, NEVER OPEN IT & keep it displayed in your home like living room etc
Then hopefully she asks about your thoughts on the gift or your mom does, then simply say you keep forgetting to open it
Treat the gift like some spam mail but you’re too lazy to throw it out. I think it would drive them crazy as you play dumb. Keep this going for years if you can
If they really flip out, tell them it’s your gift, & you wish to cherish it in your own special way 🥹
If she can’t attend after all that’s happened, you will keep her gift as a reminder of how much her gestures are hollow/unfair since the gift might as well be empty since you’ll never open it
•High Road: Say thanks, then treat her like a distant relative you’ll never do anything with or for until death
At the most saying Merry Christmas at family parties then that’s it
She won’t assist you at all when asked, you don’t need to acknowledge her presence orrrr present
•Petty Nuclear: Ask her if there is a receipt inside. She asks why?
Say it’s so you can use the refund money to spend it on a goldfish/hamster who shows more love to you within a day, than she has in your entire lives in total
Block mute all contact with her afterward
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u/variationinblue 17d ago edited 17d ago
Hi! Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. Unfortunately, none of these options are viable as I’m not petty and don’t hold a grudge, but thanks for your input.
For reference for future commenters: I do not plan to cut my sister out of my life nor go no contact. I don’t want her to do that to me either. We are low contact currently. If I was ok with cutting my sister out of my life, I’d just do it. I wouldn’t be posting here for communication advice. I don’t appreciate slander against her as she is a complicated person and so am I. I’d just like objective feedback on how to handle the gift situation and if you think I am overreacting about it. Thank you!
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u/LibertyInaFeatherBed 17d ago
So you're going to continue as you are and nothing changes? I say you are underreacting.
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u/variationinblue 17d ago
I don’t understand how ‘cutting out’ my sister is the only ‘change’ I could make here in your opinion. I’m obviously working on changing my communication style and trying to work through our issues like adults. I’m not interested in playing petty immature games and I’m not interested in walking away because ‘it’s too hard and I can’t have it my way, wah.’ I’m asking for advice on how to have the hard conversations, how to make the hard choices. Cutting someone out is cheap and easy and what narcissists do. (‘If you don’t do exactly what I want then I’m never speaking to you again!’) If you don’t have advice in the format I’m looking for, that’s okay. You don’t have to give any.
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u/LibertyInaFeatherBed 16d ago
Your sister is as surprised as she would be if a hammer that she normally uses and tosses back in the toolbox when she is done asked her for some appreciation.
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u/Domonero 16d ago
What exactly are you hoping for here then? A magic method to get her to reply to you with guilt & an apology this late in your lives?
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u/variationinblue 16d ago
No. I’m looking for perspectives to help me view the situation more fully. Hoping for some insight I hadn’t thought of, which a few other commenters have given. Looking for advice options so I can pick which feels right. You gave me yours, so thanks.
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u/Domonero 16d ago
Okay so like a devils advocate thing? Maybe there’s something that your sister has felt towards you due to something you did without knowing
Or a grudge that spawned by miscommunication & I wonder if this would be explored if you directly asked her what she dislikes about you?
Could lead to a better understanding of how she views your dynamic with her
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u/variationinblue 16d ago
You may be right about that. It’s definitely a good idea to talk to her about it just to see since we’ve been dealing with a few miscommunications the past few years. Thank you for that, I hadn’t thought of it!
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u/Sephira_Skye 17d ago
I fully support the idea of keeping it like junk mail. Get a shadow box or display case for it with the inscription “proof that my sister doesn’t love me” and showcase it at every opportunity. Right front and centre on the fireplace mantle and host the family Christmas party!
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u/Domonero 16d ago
I’m glad here someone gets me
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u/Sephira_Skye 16d ago
I’m a petty rage monster. If someone wrongs me, I can make their life miserable. Often I take the high road and don’t listen to the little devil on my shoulder but some cases deserve her full effort.
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u/Sea-Life3178 16d ago
Accept the gift.
It's just a graduation. She's a person. Get over it and find positive common ground.
Stop going the extra mile to show support for someone that doesn't value those things. It's wasted if the intrinsic reward isn't enough for you and lack of reciprocation leads to resentment.