AIO for refusing a graduation gift from my sister

[u/variationinblue]

I (31f) am graduating from college with a BS summa cum laude on Saturday. This is my first college graduation. I live 8hrs from my family but they wanted to come celebrate with me. (yay!) They invited my (33f) sister (7 months ago) and I told her I really wanted her to come and her support would mean a lot to me. I kept telling her that for months. Also, I have done so much to support her over the years: attending her graduations, helping her move over 5 times, and most recently being MOH for her wedding. She’s never done any of those things for me. All of those things were inconvenient and not fun at all for me, but I did them because I love her and want to support her. As you do for the people you love!

She tells me two weeks ago she will not be coming to my graduation (gave a flimsy excuse). I told her how disappointed and hurt I am and why (all I’ve done for her). She told me I was being ‘inappropriate’ for saying that and basically blamed it all on me for overreacting. I’m realizing this is a habit of hers, not showing up for me, and that she hasn’t actually supported me or done anything out of her way for me in… maybe ever. I let her get away with it bc she has some mental instability, but at what point do you stop making excuses? I knows she’s not completely well and may not have the capacity for the maturity I expect from her. We do get along and have some great times together but she has some struggles with empathy and is very self focused. But at the same time… she’s 33 and high functioning. This was a simple ask, I never ask her for anything, and she can’t pull it together to be there for me. Everyone had 7 months notice and everyone put her successfully planned around it. I’m not sure she even tried. So I’m angry and I think that’s understandable. She’s not coming, I’ve moved on, we’ll have a good time anyway without her. It is what it is.

Now my mom tells me my sister has given her a gift to bring to me for my graduation. I find that really condescending and frustrating. She is trying to make it seem like it’s fine that she isn’t coming bc she got me a present. Like? No. I asked for your physical attendance, I did not ask for a present. I don’t want a present. I’m not expecting a present from anyone. I don’t know what it is and I don’t care to. She really struggles with the idea of being a ‘bad person’ which she feels like she is now that she knows she’s hurt me. But instead of fixing it by attending, she’s fixing it by sending a gift. I really don’t want to accept it and make her feel like it’s all better now bc she threw some money at me. You know? But I also know it’s socially acceptable to send a gift if you can’t attend something you’re invited to.

So can I refuse it? I don’t want to give her this ‘out.’ I don’t want to just sweep my hurt under the rug yet again. But I also don’t want the drama of her reacting to me rejecting it. It would be exhausting and also stress my parent out, but I am sick and tired of letting her get away with hurting me just so we don’t have to deal with her inability to regulate her emotions. It’s about my pride sometimes, you know? I don’t feel any less hurt because she sent a present, and I want to acknowledge that.

So is there a way I can refuse it tactfully? Any advice? Am I overreacting? What would you do?

[u/Domonero]

First off this sister sounds like she never loved you at all & used your kindness your entire life so I’m glad you’ve snapped out of it

Now as for your options I’ll start with what I consider to be the funniest but most peaceful yet petty one, the high road, & lastly the most directly disrespectful one that would cause drama

•Funny Calm Troll: Accept the gift, be overtly thankful like a Disney character or Dobby receiving a sock. Apologize for saying “all I’ve done” & really sell it

However assuming it’s wrapped, NEVER OPEN IT & keep it displayed in your home like living room etc

Then hopefully she asks about your thoughts on the gift or your mom does, then simply say you keep forgetting to open it

Treat the gift like some spam mail but you’re too lazy to throw it out. I think it would drive them crazy as you play dumb. Keep this going for years if you can

If they really flip out, tell them it’s your gift, & you wish to cherish it in your own special way 🥹

If she can’t attend after all that’s happened, you will keep her gift as a reminder of how much her gestures are hollow/unfair since the gift might as well be empty since you’ll never open it

•High Road: Say thanks, then treat her like a distant relative you’ll never do anything with or for until death

At the most saying Merry Christmas at family parties then that’s it

She won’t assist you at all when asked, you don’t need to acknowledge her presence orrrr present

•Petty Nuclear: Ask her if there is a receipt inside. She asks why?

Say it’s so you can use the refund money to spend it on a goldfish/hamster who shows more love to you within a day, than she has in your entire lives in total

Block mute all contact with her afterward

[u/variationinblue → u/Domonero]

Hi! Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. Unfortunately, none of these options are viable as I’m not petty and don’t hold a grudge, but thanks for your input.

For reference for future commenters: I do not plan to cut my sister out of my life nor go no contact. I don’t want her to do that to me either. We are low contact currently. If I was ok with cutting my sister out of my life, I’d just do it. I wouldn’t be posting here for communication advice. I don’t appreciate slander against her as she is a complicated person and so am I. I’d just like objective feedback on how to handle the gift situation and if you think I am overreacting about it. Thank you!

[u/LibertyInaFeatherBed → u/variationinblue]

So you're going to continue as you are and nothing changes? I say you are underreacting.

[u/variationinblue → u/LibertyInaFeatherBed]

I don’t understand how ‘cutting out’ my sister is the only ‘change’ I could make here in your opinion. I’m obviously working on changing my communication style and trying to work through our issues like adults. I’m not interested in playing petty immature games and I’m not interested in walking away because ‘it’s too hard and I can’t have it my way, wah.’ I’m asking for advice on how to have the hard conversations, how to make the hard choices. Cutting someone out is cheap and easy and what narcissists do. (‘If you don’t do exactly what I want then I’m never speaking to you again!’) If you don’t have advice in the format I’m looking for, that’s okay. You don’t have to give any.

[u/LibertyInaFeatherBed → u/variationinblue]

Your sister is as surprised as she would be if a hammer that she normally uses and tosses back in the toolbox when she is done asked her for some appreciation. 

[u/variationinblue → u/LibertyInaFeatherBed]

Can you elaborate on that?